Nothing major, but over the weekend, Kelly and I decided to go back to our values and get rid of most of our cable, our internet connection at home and our telephone.
It was also a financial decision.
We were spending $160 a month on a packaged deal - including all three. We had high speed internet access, way too many digital cable channels and a telephone. The thing is, though, we were also watching too much television and I was spending too much time on the internet.
Kelly and I both feel very strongly that home time should be spent at home...not at home with your nose in the computer or zoning out to the TV. We generally hate the values that are presented on TV and have never put Bailey in front of the TV. Sometimes, on Sunday mornings, we will turn on PBS and let her watch whatever is on. And sometimes she actually pays attention for a minute or two. But she's never watched TV and so she's not really into it.
What it really comes down to is that we just don't want to be that family. I don't want for us to sit around and watch TV together as a family, when we could be talking, reading, playing games, being outside. We just think there are better options. Rather than just say that, we decided to actually make it happen.
Now, instead of $160 a month, we are paying $20 for limited basic cable (just the networks, PBS and the weather channel!).
We've been wanting to take this plunge for a while. I'm so happy we finally did!
11/03/2008
10/31/2008
100% Momma
LBB stands for Life Before Bailey. I realized this morning that I can hardly remember it. I do remember it some days (particularly when I'm sick of wearing "Momma" hat and I dream of what things used to be like). But I also know, quite clearly, that I remember things with a VERY rosy tint.
In reality, LBB was all about preparing for Life After Bailey. She was our first dream.
And lord, did she ever come through.
We're going through an interesting time with Bailey and with each other in general. Bailey is ALL about me right now. She has been for a while, but as she is able to vocalize her needs and wants more and more, it becomes more pronounced. At the same time this is happening, Kelly is getting more and more pregnant and subsequently, more and more in need of gentleness and tenderness. Kelly is certainly not exempt from the hormone overload that comes with pregnancy, and she is feeling the effects.
It's an interesting place for me to be. If I could isolate my relationship with Bailey, I would say that I love what is happening. It is truly remarkable to be her hero. There is nothing more special to me than having my daughter light up when I see her, rush into my arms and smother me with hugs and kisses. When she looks at me adoringly and says I love you, my heart is as full as it has ever been. When she needs me close when she's tired and when she responds so absolutely to my bad moods, I feel so central and validated and needed. These are good, good feelings.
But then, I glance over at Kelly and I feel bad. It hurts me that Bailey is so heavily into me, on behalf of Kelly. I look at my wife, who loves Bailey more than she's ever loved another person (me included) and I feel like she is being cheated. I wonder if she is feeling hurt, left out or lonely and I want to fix it. So I urge Bailey to hug Mommy, to kiss Mommy, to take her book and read with Mommy and when Bailey refuses, I feel even worse. If it were me on the other end of Bailey's indifference, I would feel terrible.
(Sometimes, I wish it WERE me on the other end of Bailey's indifference. The break, occasionally, would be nice.)
I haven't talked to Kelly about this. I am almost afraid of opening Pandora's box. It's almost as if acknowledging our differences would make it worse. I don't know.
I know that children love unconditionally and that right now, Bailey needs me for whatever reason. Bailey and I have bonded the way that two Taurus's with incredibly strong needs bond. She and I mirror each other, and we love in the same ways. Intensely, large and with the strength of steel.
I tell myself that right now, Bailey needs the kind of love that I give. I am demonstrative, loud, exciting. I play with her hard - throwing her around, doing somersaults, chasing, squealing and laughing. We crawl on the floor, we make messes and we clean up. I hold her for hours at a time, cooking and talking about the things in the kitchen. I let her take risks and I'm there when those risks fail.
Later, Kelly will need the kind of love that Kelly gives. The same way that I do. Later, when Bailey is going nuts with trying to live in this world and figure out how to tame all those hormones and restlessness (and she will. She is like me, and I know how hard it is), she will need Kelly's calm. In the same way that Kelly brings peace to my crazy head, she will be a steady guide for Bailey. Kelly is, literally, the calm in the storm of our life. The storm that I often am the creator of. Bailey is so much like me, she really is. Her response to life is so similar to mine. I get her, because I AM her. And at some point, that is going to ROUGH for us. We will butt heads as strongly as we snuggle now. When push comes to shove, in later years it will be me she is fighting with, and Kelly who is keeping us both from flying off into outerspace.
It's possible that this is only a concern of mine and is not echoed by Kelly. She is far more philisophical and much less emotional than I am.
In reality, LBB was all about preparing for Life After Bailey. She was our first dream.
And lord, did she ever come through.
We're going through an interesting time with Bailey and with each other in general. Bailey is ALL about me right now. She has been for a while, but as she is able to vocalize her needs and wants more and more, it becomes more pronounced. At the same time this is happening, Kelly is getting more and more pregnant and subsequently, more and more in need of gentleness and tenderness. Kelly is certainly not exempt from the hormone overload that comes with pregnancy, and she is feeling the effects.
It's an interesting place for me to be. If I could isolate my relationship with Bailey, I would say that I love what is happening. It is truly remarkable to be her hero. There is nothing more special to me than having my daughter light up when I see her, rush into my arms and smother me with hugs and kisses. When she looks at me adoringly and says I love you, my heart is as full as it has ever been. When she needs me close when she's tired and when she responds so absolutely to my bad moods, I feel so central and validated and needed. These are good, good feelings.
But then, I glance over at Kelly and I feel bad. It hurts me that Bailey is so heavily into me, on behalf of Kelly. I look at my wife, who loves Bailey more than she's ever loved another person (me included) and I feel like she is being cheated. I wonder if she is feeling hurt, left out or lonely and I want to fix it. So I urge Bailey to hug Mommy, to kiss Mommy, to take her book and read with Mommy and when Bailey refuses, I feel even worse. If it were me on the other end of Bailey's indifference, I would feel terrible.
(Sometimes, I wish it WERE me on the other end of Bailey's indifference. The break, occasionally, would be nice.)
I haven't talked to Kelly about this. I am almost afraid of opening Pandora's box. It's almost as if acknowledging our differences would make it worse. I don't know.
I know that children love unconditionally and that right now, Bailey needs me for whatever reason. Bailey and I have bonded the way that two Taurus's with incredibly strong needs bond. She and I mirror each other, and we love in the same ways. Intensely, large and with the strength of steel.
I tell myself that right now, Bailey needs the kind of love that I give. I am demonstrative, loud, exciting. I play with her hard - throwing her around, doing somersaults, chasing, squealing and laughing. We crawl on the floor, we make messes and we clean up. I hold her for hours at a time, cooking and talking about the things in the kitchen. I let her take risks and I'm there when those risks fail.
Later, Kelly will need the kind of love that Kelly gives. The same way that I do. Later, when Bailey is going nuts with trying to live in this world and figure out how to tame all those hormones and restlessness (and she will. She is like me, and I know how hard it is), she will need Kelly's calm. In the same way that Kelly brings peace to my crazy head, she will be a steady guide for Bailey. Kelly is, literally, the calm in the storm of our life. The storm that I often am the creator of. Bailey is so much like me, she really is. Her response to life is so similar to mine. I get her, because I AM her. And at some point, that is going to ROUGH for us. We will butt heads as strongly as we snuggle now. When push comes to shove, in later years it will be me she is fighting with, and Kelly who is keeping us both from flying off into outerspace.
It's possible that this is only a concern of mine and is not echoed by Kelly. She is far more philisophical and much less emotional than I am.
10/28/2008
More Voting Thoughts
Thanks for your feedback on my voting crisis. I really do appreciate other people's thoughts when it comes to stuff like this.
I guess, perhaps, I'm just another disenfranchised voter. I truly believed in the system for the vast majority of my life. I realized that it only worked because we bought into it and that in order for a democracy to represent its people, we all actually had to participate.
But then, I started looking around. And honestly, I just don't see where I'm represented. I can't marry the woman that I love and have it be recognized by the government. I can't elect to not pay my taxes when I completely disagree with what the money is being spent on. I'm smack in the middle of the middle-class squeeze and nobody seems to care of that. I'm not too poor and I don't make enough money to enjoy the money I do make.
Honestly, folks, I'm just tired. Maybe it's a blanket statement, but I'm sick of lying politicians. Monica - you made a great comments (which I wholeheartedly agree with) that perhaps the politicians voted for the bailout to secure their own relection. But that's the problem. My litmus test used to be whether someone was a democrat or not. Now, it's the bailout.
Here's the thing, though. I get home so late. In order to vote, I have to either miss my Bailey's bath and bedtime or I have to bring her with me and make her stay up late in a line. Or, I have to leave work early and use my PTO time. All, to do something I don't believe in.
I'd rather just go to bed. It's all exhausting.
In the end, I'll probably end up voting. Maybe in the morning. I'll go and mark my ballot and vote for Nader and that will be that. But I gotta tell you - I think it's a waste of time.
I guess, perhaps, I'm just another disenfranchised voter. I truly believed in the system for the vast majority of my life. I realized that it only worked because we bought into it and that in order for a democracy to represent its people, we all actually had to participate.
But then, I started looking around. And honestly, I just don't see where I'm represented. I can't marry the woman that I love and have it be recognized by the government. I can't elect to not pay my taxes when I completely disagree with what the money is being spent on. I'm smack in the middle of the middle-class squeeze and nobody seems to care of that. I'm not too poor and I don't make enough money to enjoy the money I do make.
Honestly, folks, I'm just tired. Maybe it's a blanket statement, but I'm sick of lying politicians. Monica - you made a great comments (which I wholeheartedly agree with) that perhaps the politicians voted for the bailout to secure their own relection. But that's the problem. My litmus test used to be whether someone was a democrat or not. Now, it's the bailout.
Here's the thing, though. I get home so late. In order to vote, I have to either miss my Bailey's bath and bedtime or I have to bring her with me and make her stay up late in a line. Or, I have to leave work early and use my PTO time. All, to do something I don't believe in.
I'd rather just go to bed. It's all exhausting.
In the end, I'll probably end up voting. Maybe in the morning. I'll go and mark my ballot and vote for Nader and that will be that. But I gotta tell you - I think it's a waste of time.
Please, Please, Please!!!
Please, let it snow tomorrow. I want to see some of the white stuff drifting down from a slate gray sky. Even if it is only a couple of flakes. Even though none of it will stick.
Please, please, please. Let it snow tomorrow.
Please, please, please. Let it snow tomorrow.
10/27/2008
To Vote Or Not
I'm torn. I've never been torn before about voting. Never. I have always known that I would go, that I would vote and that I would vote a straight democratic ticket. I'm a party loyalist.
But this time around, I'm torn.
Not about who I would vote for. I've jumped that hurdle already.
The question is IF I will vote at all.
I completely, 100%, totally, wholeheartedly disagree with the government bailout. I sided fully with the Republicans who initially stood in the way of passage (of course, they rolled over like fucking little pigs when a bunch of pork was added). I think it is irresponsible and won't work as planned in any event. In fact, have you seen the latest. The banks that were supposed to use the money to give out loans, thus putting more money into circulation, boosting the economy and all that...you know, the "plan". Well, that's not happening. Instead, those same banks are using our dollars to aquire smaller banks, strengthening their own bottom line. And the credit markets are still not loosening up the way that they could.
It makes my blood absolutely boil.
What makes my blood boil over is that REALITY that we will pay for this for a long, long, long, long time. Bailey's children will still be paying for it. They talk about it like it is an investment. And maybe in a couple of years, I'll be proved wrong. LOL. Maybe.
But I'm not buying it. Not one bit.
I'm absolutely livid with my government.
I made a promise on the day that the bailout was pushed through that I would never vote for another member of government who voted for the bailout.
That includes both of the presidential candidates.
So, if I go to the polls, I will be writing in Nader as my candidate. I will not vote for Obama, even though he is who I would have supported. I cannot vote for McCain, even if he had not voted for the bailout. There are two ballot initiatives - one dealing with voting early and the other dealing with slots - but I'm not sure that I care about those issues enough to get myself to the polls.
Perhaps, if I lived in a state that was swinging (Virginia for example), I would feel more inclined to change my position. But my state isn't swinging. We're a solid blue state and my vote is going to be "pointless" anyway.
I'm interested in other people's thoughts. I really am. Just know that nothing will convince me to vote for Obama. It's not that I don't want him to be president. I do, actually. But I won't cast my ballot, ever again, for someone who voted for the bailout. But what about Nader? Since it won't matter, does anyone have any opinions? Can anyone come up with one good reason why I should spend my precious time with Bailey standing in a voting line?
But this time around, I'm torn.
Not about who I would vote for. I've jumped that hurdle already.
The question is IF I will vote at all.
I completely, 100%, totally, wholeheartedly disagree with the government bailout. I sided fully with the Republicans who initially stood in the way of passage (of course, they rolled over like fucking little pigs when a bunch of pork was added). I think it is irresponsible and won't work as planned in any event. In fact, have you seen the latest. The banks that were supposed to use the money to give out loans, thus putting more money into circulation, boosting the economy and all that...you know, the "plan". Well, that's not happening. Instead, those same banks are using our dollars to aquire smaller banks, strengthening their own bottom line. And the credit markets are still not loosening up the way that they could.
It makes my blood absolutely boil.
What makes my blood boil over is that REALITY that we will pay for this for a long, long, long, long time. Bailey's children will still be paying for it. They talk about it like it is an investment. And maybe in a couple of years, I'll be proved wrong. LOL. Maybe.
But I'm not buying it. Not one bit.
I'm absolutely livid with my government.
I made a promise on the day that the bailout was pushed through that I would never vote for another member of government who voted for the bailout.
That includes both of the presidential candidates.
So, if I go to the polls, I will be writing in Nader as my candidate. I will not vote for Obama, even though he is who I would have supported. I cannot vote for McCain, even if he had not voted for the bailout. There are two ballot initiatives - one dealing with voting early and the other dealing with slots - but I'm not sure that I care about those issues enough to get myself to the polls.
Perhaps, if I lived in a state that was swinging (Virginia for example), I would feel more inclined to change my position. But my state isn't swinging. We're a solid blue state and my vote is going to be "pointless" anyway.
I'm interested in other people's thoughts. I really am. Just know that nothing will convince me to vote for Obama. It's not that I don't want him to be president. I do, actually. But I won't cast my ballot, ever again, for someone who voted for the bailout. But what about Nader? Since it won't matter, does anyone have any opinions? Can anyone come up with one good reason why I should spend my precious time with Bailey standing in a voting line?
10/24/2008
Going Home
Day's over. I had a wonderful lunch with my wife and she gave me a small bag of swedish fish. And her presence. I have two whole days to spend with my wife and our daughter. Two days to feel our baby boy wiggle and kick. Brunch on Sunday with the best group of women in DC and a bottle of wine with one glass left in it for tonight.
Bring on the hot bath, the soothing wine, the lull of my wife and the joy of my daughter.
I'm done being bitchy today.
(but...I will still laugh the first time Bailey drops the F-bomb. I wasn't joking about that...LOL!)
Bring on the hot bath, the soothing wine, the lull of my wife and the joy of my daughter.
I'm done being bitchy today.
(but...I will still laugh the first time Bailey drops the F-bomb. I wasn't joking about that...LOL!)
Grumpy
I woke up this morning grumpy. Bitchy is probably a more accurate description, but I'm trying to curb my nasty swearing habit.
Actually, I'm not. I'll be honest because today there is no other option. I don't give a shit about swearing. I really don't. Some people think it makes you sound uneducated. Some people think kids should not swear. Some people just think it's bad form.
Whatever.
I don't give a shit about swearing either way.
If you don't swear, good for you. I do. I like to swear. I think a well-placed "fuck" can really punch up a person's sentence. Hell, I think a poorly placed "fuck" is still a good exclamation point.
And I don't care if kids swear. The only reason I care is because other people look at you like you're a bad parent if you kid drops the "shit" or "fuck" bomb in public. Don't kids get frustrated too? And I am of the mind that shouting "shit" or "fuck" when something is shitty or fucked up is appropriate. I don't see why our kids shouldn't be able to express themselves in the same way.
Same thing with the word "cunt". I'll not get into this one. But needless to say, it's one of my favorite words and I don't understand why people think it's such a bad word. I really don't.
The point - I'll probably laugh the first time Bailey drops the f-bomb. Honestly. And I'll probably tell her that using those words around other people is not appropriate until she is old enough to tell them to fuck off when they correct her. And inside, I'll still be laughing. Because I think it's funny. I really do.
Anyway. I've probably offended some people with this post. And I don't care today. Cause I'm grumpy. Bitchy, really.
Actually, I'm not. I'll be honest because today there is no other option. I don't give a shit about swearing. I really don't. Some people think it makes you sound uneducated. Some people think kids should not swear. Some people just think it's bad form.
Whatever.
I don't give a shit about swearing either way.
If you don't swear, good for you. I do. I like to swear. I think a well-placed "fuck" can really punch up a person's sentence. Hell, I think a poorly placed "fuck" is still a good exclamation point.
And I don't care if kids swear. The only reason I care is because other people look at you like you're a bad parent if you kid drops the "shit" or "fuck" bomb in public. Don't kids get frustrated too? And I am of the mind that shouting "shit" or "fuck" when something is shitty or fucked up is appropriate. I don't see why our kids shouldn't be able to express themselves in the same way.
Same thing with the word "cunt". I'll not get into this one. But needless to say, it's one of my favorite words and I don't understand why people think it's such a bad word. I really don't.
The point - I'll probably laugh the first time Bailey drops the f-bomb. Honestly. And I'll probably tell her that using those words around other people is not appropriate until she is old enough to tell them to fuck off when they correct her. And inside, I'll still be laughing. Because I think it's funny. I really do.
Anyway. I've probably offended some people with this post. And I don't care today. Cause I'm grumpy. Bitchy, really.
10/23/2008
Mirrors
Mom used to say that having children was like having a mirror held up in front of you at all times. You see the best and worst and everything in between...but you sure don't miss any of it.
As I was riding the bus to work this morning, I found myself contemplating Bailey and the human being that she is. She lives so fully in every moment. She doesn't just see something, she examines it. She touches, smells, tastes and absorbs it. Whatever "it" may be at the moment. When she is excited, she points and exclaims loudly. She talks a mile a minute and immerses herself in the exciting moment.
Nothing is halfway with Bailey. She is all or nothing. If she doesn't want something, she says "no" very simply and moves on. Nothing will distract her or convince her that she actually wants whatever she said she didn't want. But when she does want something, watch out. If you are not prepared to provide it, she will make it clear via all available methods that she NEEDS it. NOW. RIGHT NOW, DAMN IT.
But see, if you are stronger than she is, she will back down. When I say no to Bailey, she fights vocally and physically. But most of the time, when I respond strongly, she backs down. It's almost as if she is say, "Okay, Momma, you win." But if she senses weakness in you, she will push and push until you give in.
The child has humor. She doesn't even mean to have humor most of the time, but her approach to life is often comical. Because her actions and responses to the world around her are so big and exaggerated, it's often just funny. I find myself laughing at her all the time and truly enjoying her experience.
She's also brave. She can go into just about any situation and handle it. The other day, at the doctor's office, she didn't flinch when the doctor came in. She let him look in her ears, examine her hands and feet and even opened up and said "ahhhh" when he asked her too. Yes, she needed to be close to me, but she wasn't afraid of him. When he was finished she said "Thank you, Doc" and told him "bye bye".
And she's loving. She's so loving. She loves to be loved and she loves to see love. We have always had a "kissing circle" in our house. One of us starts and then everyone has to kiss everyone. Recently, though, she has been pushing my head to Kelly's during our kissing circles and saying "Momma kiss Mommy" or the other way around. She is learning about love, seeing our closeness and responding to it. She gives love too and finally says "I love you" back to us. She has learned to kiss with her mouth closed...and I must admit that I miss the big, open-mouthed, sloppy kisses of the past.
So back to this morning. As I was riding on the bus, I realized that these qualities of Bailey's that I so love and cherish in her are very similar to the qualities that my Momma always says she loves and cherishes so much in me.
It's the mirror thing. Bailey, by just existing in her own world as her own human being, reflects back the very best of us.
As I was riding the bus to work this morning, I found myself contemplating Bailey and the human being that she is. She lives so fully in every moment. She doesn't just see something, she examines it. She touches, smells, tastes and absorbs it. Whatever "it" may be at the moment. When she is excited, she points and exclaims loudly. She talks a mile a minute and immerses herself in the exciting moment.
Nothing is halfway with Bailey. She is all or nothing. If she doesn't want something, she says "no" very simply and moves on. Nothing will distract her or convince her that she actually wants whatever she said she didn't want. But when she does want something, watch out. If you are not prepared to provide it, she will make it clear via all available methods that she NEEDS it. NOW. RIGHT NOW, DAMN IT.
But see, if you are stronger than she is, she will back down. When I say no to Bailey, she fights vocally and physically. But most of the time, when I respond strongly, she backs down. It's almost as if she is say, "Okay, Momma, you win." But if she senses weakness in you, she will push and push until you give in.
The child has humor. She doesn't even mean to have humor most of the time, but her approach to life is often comical. Because her actions and responses to the world around her are so big and exaggerated, it's often just funny. I find myself laughing at her all the time and truly enjoying her experience.
She's also brave. She can go into just about any situation and handle it. The other day, at the doctor's office, she didn't flinch when the doctor came in. She let him look in her ears, examine her hands and feet and even opened up and said "ahhhh" when he asked her too. Yes, she needed to be close to me, but she wasn't afraid of him. When he was finished she said "Thank you, Doc" and told him "bye bye".
And she's loving. She's so loving. She loves to be loved and she loves to see love. We have always had a "kissing circle" in our house. One of us starts and then everyone has to kiss everyone. Recently, though, she has been pushing my head to Kelly's during our kissing circles and saying "Momma kiss Mommy" or the other way around. She is learning about love, seeing our closeness and responding to it. She gives love too and finally says "I love you" back to us. She has learned to kiss with her mouth closed...and I must admit that I miss the big, open-mouthed, sloppy kisses of the past.
So back to this morning. As I was riding on the bus, I realized that these qualities of Bailey's that I so love and cherish in her are very similar to the qualities that my Momma always says she loves and cherishes so much in me.
It's the mirror thing. Bailey, by just existing in her own world as her own human being, reflects back the very best of us.
10/21/2008
Connor Update
Kelly gave a really good time line last night, and it's worth posting...
0-7 Weeks Pregnant: massive boob growth, exhaustion.
7-17 Weeks Pregnant: everything under the sun and horrible, horrible sickness.
17-21 Weeks Pregnant: not so sick, but tremendous hunger.
That is the latest development. Kelly is so hungry. She rarely feels full, but she eats and then feels too full. It's the classic pregnancy conundrum.
Connor is growing very fast right now. It seems like every time we look at Kelly's belly, it is bigger. There is no hiding her pregnancy and she is wearing the full on maternity clothes. He belly button, while not popping yet, is pretty close.
Kelly's tummy has begun to itch. I catch her scratching it daily, and I can tell that she doesn't really know she is doing it.
Connor moves with a patterned regularity. Or rather, Kelly feels the patterns now. About 20 minutes after eating, Connor gets excited and starts moving. I finally felt him kick over the weekend. We've been trying for a while, and it has been obvious that I would have felt him long before now...but timing never works out. It finally worked this weekend and I felt our son moving. It was super exciting...
Kelly is now sleeping with two pillows - one in front and one in back - to relieve some of the pressure. Getting up off the floor is getting more difficult, but that is mostly because she has a pinched nerve in her back. The pregnancy is making that much more painful than it usually is. Chiropractic visits are in the future...
We have our 22 week appointment next Monday. More stats then!
0-7 Weeks Pregnant: massive boob growth, exhaustion.
7-17 Weeks Pregnant: everything under the sun and horrible, horrible sickness.
17-21 Weeks Pregnant: not so sick, but tremendous hunger.
That is the latest development. Kelly is so hungry. She rarely feels full, but she eats and then feels too full. It's the classic pregnancy conundrum.
Connor is growing very fast right now. It seems like every time we look at Kelly's belly, it is bigger. There is no hiding her pregnancy and she is wearing the full on maternity clothes. He belly button, while not popping yet, is pretty close.
Kelly's tummy has begun to itch. I catch her scratching it daily, and I can tell that she doesn't really know she is doing it.
Connor moves with a patterned regularity. Or rather, Kelly feels the patterns now. About 20 minutes after eating, Connor gets excited and starts moving. I finally felt him kick over the weekend. We've been trying for a while, and it has been obvious that I would have felt him long before now...but timing never works out. It finally worked this weekend and I felt our son moving. It was super exciting...
Kelly is now sleeping with two pillows - one in front and one in back - to relieve some of the pressure. Getting up off the floor is getting more difficult, but that is mostly because she has a pinched nerve in her back. The pregnancy is making that much more painful than it usually is. Chiropractic visits are in the future...
We have our 22 week appointment next Monday. More stats then!
Some days...
Some days I hate that our child is a daycare kid.
What we thought was teething turned out to be a "pretty bad" case of hand/food/mouth. There is a more official name (I even know what it is) but I can't spell it. So, even though it makes her sound like a sick cow or sheep, I say hand/foot/mouth.
She turned a corner overnight, and while she is home with me today (daycare policy), she is feeling much better. The worst of it was this weekend, when we thought she was teething.
We should have known. Teething has never hurt Bailey before.
I'm feeling much better, much less grumpy. I hate missing work - am I the only one who feels like a lazy slacker when I have to call in?
Our 11 year anniversary was this weekend. 11 years. 11 years since my entire life stopped and reformed itself around the most amazing woman I have ever met. 11 years since who I was and who I always wanted to be merged into who I am. 11 years since I found the meaning of happiness and 11 years since I discovered the honesty of loving another human being without pretense or question.
11 years. It feels like such a long time, and yet, I can remember every (nearly) moment.
I gave Kelly my heart again (symbolized with a hand-blown glass heart) and she gave me triple chocolate M&M's. LOL - sounds funny and yet, it was perfect. I've wanted those M&M's ever since I first saw them at Target. And they DID NOT disappoint.
Bailey got us a Wii to celebrate. We spent the rest of the weekend bowling, golfing, playing baseball and I spent quite a bit of time boxing. Good exercize. Super, super fun. We are getting Wii Fit (which is actually the reason that Bailey bought the Wii in the first place). I'm looking forward to it. It really is as fun as they say it is...
Kelly commented last night that Bailey got us the gift of time together. The last few nights, instead of sitting in our respective places and zoning out to TV, we've been on our feet, laughing, talking and playing games together.
I could be a Wii commercial.
It was a fantastic 11 year anniversary...with the promise of many more to come! I love you, honey.
What we thought was teething turned out to be a "pretty bad" case of hand/food/mouth. There is a more official name (I even know what it is) but I can't spell it. So, even though it makes her sound like a sick cow or sheep, I say hand/foot/mouth.
She turned a corner overnight, and while she is home with me today (daycare policy), she is feeling much better. The worst of it was this weekend, when we thought she was teething.
We should have known. Teething has never hurt Bailey before.
I'm feeling much better, much less grumpy. I hate missing work - am I the only one who feels like a lazy slacker when I have to call in?
Our 11 year anniversary was this weekend. 11 years. 11 years since my entire life stopped and reformed itself around the most amazing woman I have ever met. 11 years since who I was and who I always wanted to be merged into who I am. 11 years since I found the meaning of happiness and 11 years since I discovered the honesty of loving another human being without pretense or question.
11 years. It feels like such a long time, and yet, I can remember every (nearly) moment.
I gave Kelly my heart again (symbolized with a hand-blown glass heart) and she gave me triple chocolate M&M's. LOL - sounds funny and yet, it was perfect. I've wanted those M&M's ever since I first saw them at Target. And they DID NOT disappoint.
Bailey got us a Wii to celebrate. We spent the rest of the weekend bowling, golfing, playing baseball and I spent quite a bit of time boxing. Good exercize. Super, super fun. We are getting Wii Fit (which is actually the reason that Bailey bought the Wii in the first place). I'm looking forward to it. It really is as fun as they say it is...
Kelly commented last night that Bailey got us the gift of time together. The last few nights, instead of sitting in our respective places and zoning out to TV, we've been on our feet, laughing, talking and playing games together.
I could be a Wii commercial.
It was a fantastic 11 year anniversary...with the promise of many more to come! I love you, honey.
10/19/2008
Miserable Weekend
What a miserable weekend.
Bailey is currently teething 4 molars. Her gums are horribly swollen and even an every three hour regimen of Tylenol, Motrin, Tylenol cannot keep the pain away. Last night she was up every 2 hours, sobbing and begging me to help her and clutching her jaw. The days have been miserable with a clingy, miserable child.
It's been a long weekend.
And wouldn't you know...it happened on the weekend of our anniversary. Of course.
More later. It wasn't all bad this weekend. But I'm exhausted, moody and even though we just put Bailey down, she is in her bed screaming for me. I'm miserable too.
Bailey is currently teething 4 molars. Her gums are horribly swollen and even an every three hour regimen of Tylenol, Motrin, Tylenol cannot keep the pain away. Last night she was up every 2 hours, sobbing and begging me to help her and clutching her jaw. The days have been miserable with a clingy, miserable child.
It's been a long weekend.
And wouldn't you know...it happened on the weekend of our anniversary. Of course.
More later. It wasn't all bad this weekend. But I'm exhausted, moody and even though we just put Bailey down, she is in her bed screaming for me. I'm miserable too.
10/16/2008
10/15/2008
She's Brilliant
I think our child is brilliant. I say this knowing that I'm completely biased and that Bailey is probably just a normal kid. But still. I think she's a genius.
Especially because she cares about the same things I do.
For instance - she likes things clean. After eating she holds out her hands and asks for them to be cleaned.
Another example - last night, she proved that she knows how to close the dishwasher, lock it and then turn it on (to the right cycle, I might add). She proved it because she did it.
And she talks. She talks like I have never heard another child her age talk. There is nothing she can't say and she repeats everything. Last night on the way home, she recited all the colors in the rainbow to me (including black, brown and white). She said all her numbers, 1-10. She is beginning to string words together in ways that make sense. For instance, if I say "your dinner" she repeats "my dinner". She knows when things are hers and when they aren't. She talks about her "brother Connor". She asks to color, knows where they are kept and asks appropriately. The other day, she stood in the family room and pointed to the kitchen saying "paint". We didn't understand her (we had never heard her use the word before). After about 5 times, of us looking and point to various other objects, she went to the fridge (her art supplies are on top of the fridge) and said "color".
God, I love her. She makes me laugh, she makes me stare at her and wonder where this incredible creature came from. How could I have grown her? She seems to be the very best of both of us, wrapped up into this walking, talking little girl. She's got attitude that I adore, even when it pisses me off. She's smart, she's funny, she's charming and god, she is so beautiful to me.
On the way out of daycare this morning, she asked for a final kiss goodbye and when I gave it to her, she wiped the tears out of her eyes, smiled at me and said "goodbye Momma". So simple, and yet it's the reason my day will be spectacular.
I'm not sure who to thank. I'm not a God person, but if I were, I'd think him/her. I'm not very spiritual, and yet I know that she is not just a product of our love. She is a creature unto herself, and a gift from this life. She is the best thing that has ever happened to Kelly and I, and there are no words...none...that could ever express the joy she has brought to our lives.
What a love child she is. And god, what love we feel.
Especially because she cares about the same things I do.
For instance - she likes things clean. After eating she holds out her hands and asks for them to be cleaned.
Another example - last night, she proved that she knows how to close the dishwasher, lock it and then turn it on (to the right cycle, I might add). She proved it because she did it.
And she talks. She talks like I have never heard another child her age talk. There is nothing she can't say and she repeats everything. Last night on the way home, she recited all the colors in the rainbow to me (including black, brown and white). She said all her numbers, 1-10. She is beginning to string words together in ways that make sense. For instance, if I say "your dinner" she repeats "my dinner". She knows when things are hers and when they aren't. She talks about her "brother Connor". She asks to color, knows where they are kept and asks appropriately. The other day, she stood in the family room and pointed to the kitchen saying "paint". We didn't understand her (we had never heard her use the word before). After about 5 times, of us looking and point to various other objects, she went to the fridge (her art supplies are on top of the fridge) and said "color".
God, I love her. She makes me laugh, she makes me stare at her and wonder where this incredible creature came from. How could I have grown her? She seems to be the very best of both of us, wrapped up into this walking, talking little girl. She's got attitude that I adore, even when it pisses me off. She's smart, she's funny, she's charming and god, she is so beautiful to me.
On the way out of daycare this morning, she asked for a final kiss goodbye and when I gave it to her, she wiped the tears out of her eyes, smiled at me and said "goodbye Momma". So simple, and yet it's the reason my day will be spectacular.
I'm not sure who to thank. I'm not a God person, but if I were, I'd think him/her. I'm not very spiritual, and yet I know that she is not just a product of our love. She is a creature unto herself, and a gift from this life. She is the best thing that has ever happened to Kelly and I, and there are no words...none...that could ever express the joy she has brought to our lives.
What a love child she is. And god, what love we feel.
10/14/2008
The Inbox
Why is it that my inbox never seems to decrease in size? I come in every single day with the intention of getting to that last email and having very little left. It never happens.
I counted today, and I recieved 124 emails from 7 AM to now (it's about 2:45). I leave in about 5 minutes, which means tomorrow morning I'll have another 40 or 50 unread messages. How can that possibly be??
Anyway. Off to get my beautiful, non-technologically savvy baby girl who makes this all worthwhile.
I counted today, and I recieved 124 emails from 7 AM to now (it's about 2:45). I leave in about 5 minutes, which means tomorrow morning I'll have another 40 or 50 unread messages. How can that possibly be??
Anyway. Off to get my beautiful, non-technologically savvy baby girl who makes this all worthwhile.
Thoughtful
Peace is not a word that I would have used to describe myself in the past 17 months. The process of becoming a mother, figure it out and then adjusting accordingly has not been easy for me.
When I was carrying Bailey, I was so excited and happy. I had no idea what was coming, or that I would feel like a freight train had hit my life and taken away everything I held dear when she arrived. Part of that was the severe round of post partum deppression I dealt with, but the majority of it was simply that I had no idea what it meant to be a mother. I was incapable of imagining the incredible need of a child and what that means for the people who meet those needs. I just didn't know.
When she arrived - all 10.9 pounds of her - with her very loud cry and her terrible sleep schedule, I completely lost my mind. It wasn't just the tasks, it was everything. It was the percieved loss of my life, in all aspects. I felt like there was absolutely nothing left once we were done being parents and all we had in the end was a crying, colicky baby who didn't sleep well and who just kep taking, taking, taking. I hated being a mother. I craved the life that I had before I was a mother and when I hit my lowest point, I wanted what I had before I ever met Kelly. I dreamed of moving backward in time, back to college and partying and the release of drinking, dancing, smoking and being young.
I was anything but peaceful. I wasn't even happy.
Of course, none of this had anything to do with Bailey. She was doing exactly what an infant is supposed to do. I never blamed her, but I did want to escape from her. I imagined her the end of my life.
It's hard to say those things, but there you have it. It's my truth and I will never hide from it.
But things have changed. A lot.
Maybe it's just that I am older. Maybe it's because I know that I can be a good mother and that together, Kelly and I have raised a child who is thriving. She's is happy, loved, comfortable and has a life that many would envy. We give her what she needs and she is a wonderful child because of it.
Kelly and I have found each other again. Through it all, we never really lost each other, but we came damn close. We never checked out, but we could have. It got that bad. And we've come through that. We've emerged out the other side stronger, happier and better partners, people and parents because of it.
And now, we have a son on the way. Every dream we've ever had, is coming true.
I feel excited about the arrival of Connor in a way that I didn't feel (and didn't know to feel) with Bailey. I know what is coming. I understand that Kelly and I will be exhausted and that for the first year or so, there will be nothing left over. I also know that as this child grows into a toddler, we will come back to center. Maybe a different center than the one we had before Bailey, or the one we've just recently found again...but we will find center again. I know how hard it is.
But I also know how wonderful it is. Every moment that I spend with Bailey reminds me that no matter who difficult the moment may be, there is such a rich and wonderful reward at the end of it. Seeing her grow, and knowing that Kelly and I are the reason she is thriving, is such an amazing feeling.
Maybe it's just trust. I can't imagine that the process of having an infant could be any more difficult than it was with Bailey. But I trust that if it is, Kelly and I will stay strong through it. And even if we are not strong, we are both there 100%.
I feel peace. I do not want what I used to have. I want what we've created. I see my life and I can't imagine it without Kelly, without Bailey and without Connor. My definition of myself is as a mother and a wife. I am not, and don't want to be, anyone other than who I am.
I am peaceful. And I can't wait for our son to be born. I cannot wait to fold him into our life.
When I was carrying Bailey, I was so excited and happy. I had no idea what was coming, or that I would feel like a freight train had hit my life and taken away everything I held dear when she arrived. Part of that was the severe round of post partum deppression I dealt with, but the majority of it was simply that I had no idea what it meant to be a mother. I was incapable of imagining the incredible need of a child and what that means for the people who meet those needs. I just didn't know.
When she arrived - all 10.9 pounds of her - with her very loud cry and her terrible sleep schedule, I completely lost my mind. It wasn't just the tasks, it was everything. It was the percieved loss of my life, in all aspects. I felt like there was absolutely nothing left once we were done being parents and all we had in the end was a crying, colicky baby who didn't sleep well and who just kep taking, taking, taking. I hated being a mother. I craved the life that I had before I was a mother and when I hit my lowest point, I wanted what I had before I ever met Kelly. I dreamed of moving backward in time, back to college and partying and the release of drinking, dancing, smoking and being young.
I was anything but peaceful. I wasn't even happy.
Of course, none of this had anything to do with Bailey. She was doing exactly what an infant is supposed to do. I never blamed her, but I did want to escape from her. I imagined her the end of my life.
It's hard to say those things, but there you have it. It's my truth and I will never hide from it.
But things have changed. A lot.
Maybe it's just that I am older. Maybe it's because I know that I can be a good mother and that together, Kelly and I have raised a child who is thriving. She's is happy, loved, comfortable and has a life that many would envy. We give her what she needs and she is a wonderful child because of it.
Kelly and I have found each other again. Through it all, we never really lost each other, but we came damn close. We never checked out, but we could have. It got that bad. And we've come through that. We've emerged out the other side stronger, happier and better partners, people and parents because of it.
And now, we have a son on the way. Every dream we've ever had, is coming true.
I feel excited about the arrival of Connor in a way that I didn't feel (and didn't know to feel) with Bailey. I know what is coming. I understand that Kelly and I will be exhausted and that for the first year or so, there will be nothing left over. I also know that as this child grows into a toddler, we will come back to center. Maybe a different center than the one we had before Bailey, or the one we've just recently found again...but we will find center again. I know how hard it is.
But I also know how wonderful it is. Every moment that I spend with Bailey reminds me that no matter who difficult the moment may be, there is such a rich and wonderful reward at the end of it. Seeing her grow, and knowing that Kelly and I are the reason she is thriving, is such an amazing feeling.
Maybe it's just trust. I can't imagine that the process of having an infant could be any more difficult than it was with Bailey. But I trust that if it is, Kelly and I will stay strong through it. And even if we are not strong, we are both there 100%.
I feel peace. I do not want what I used to have. I want what we've created. I see my life and I can't imagine it without Kelly, without Bailey and without Connor. My definition of myself is as a mother and a wife. I am not, and don't want to be, anyone other than who I am.
I am peaceful. And I can't wait for our son to be born. I cannot wait to fold him into our life.
10/11/2008
Connor Patrick McFadden
It's a boy! Our ultrasound was perfect - we saw a healthy baby boy, with all the right parts in all the right places. He had a heartbeat of 141. They are estimating his size right now at 13 ounces, and he measured 20 weeks, 6 days. Just a few days over what his actual "age" is. So far, he's looking to be right on track.
All of us are super-happy and could not be more excited for February!!!
Can you see his face??
That is the placenta right above him.
Kissing the placenta...or so it seems!
A beautiful face shot!
The most telling shot of all...there is no mistaking his gender!
Kelly at 20 weeks...Connor is a growing boy!
All of us are super-happy and could not be more excited for February!!!
Can you see his face??
That is the placenta right above him.
Kissing the placenta...or so it seems!
A beautiful face shot!
The most telling shot of all...there is no mistaking his gender!
Kelly at 20 weeks...Connor is a growing boy!
10/09/2008
Things I Think About While Driving Home
This post should probably be name 'Why Mikki Rides the Bus"...but whatever. I've been driving a lot recently (more than I should, given gas prices and a $14 a day price tag to park downtown) and I find myself having very involved, very deep thoughts while I drive. Not always nice. In fact, most of the time, not nice. Here are a couple
A few weeks back, I was thinking about guns and gun ownership. Some people know that Kelly owns a 38 that her grandfather and she bought together when Kelly was 18 (I think that was the age). It's a big, loud, scary gun and with the kick ass bullets her grandfather gave her, it would stop an elephant. Now, I've always came from a home were guns were an evil thought. Okay, maybe not evil, but definately not present or accepted. We had a "no war toys" policy - Mom just didn't like us playing with weapons or toys that faked like weapons. So, when I moved in with Kelly, I had this love/hate facination with the gun. After a while, Kelly took me to her dad's house where I shot a 22 rifle for the first time ever. I was unable to shoot the 38...I was still too scared of the loud bang. In any event, the gun is put away in a hard-to-reach location, there is a locked trigger lock and the bullets are in a completely different location. When the kids are older, they will be educated about weapons and the gun itself will be locked in a safe, away from them.
But we are still gun owners. Which sometimes takes me by surprise.
So as I was driving home the other day, I was thinking about all of this. And I tried to imagine a situation where I would find that gun in my hand and if I would have the balls to shoot someone. I mean, honestly, what a thought. But anyway. I realized, in a split second of seeing red that if someone ever tried to hurt my wife or my children, I would shoot them without a second thought. I see the world in black and white most of the time, and while I pride myself on being a relative liberal with strong belief in the justice system and the ability of people to reform or change, I would still kill a person who tried to hurt them. Without regret.
That's a strange thing to realize about yourself and I hope I never have to test my willingness to kill for my family.
An equally horrifying thought that I had yesterday while driving home was the image of me getting into a high-speed car crash and not surviving.
See, I am an aggressive driver. Not when Bailey is in the car (see above, about protecting my family), but when I am alone and driving home from work, I'm aggressive. I think it comes from two places.
First, I like high intensity, rhythmic motion. It's why I loved clubbin'. It's what I love about groups of people in protest. And if you have ever driven in DC rush hour traffic, you know that it is high intensity emotion, and I am one of them. Kelly hates driving in the shit. She gets angry at the assholes (like me) and equally frustrated with the people who drive to slow and create road blocks. But not me. I feed off the energy (and anger) of the people driving around me. I roll down the windows, crank up the most thuggish music I can find, and drive like a bat out of hell. I do it safely (or at least, in my mind) and I am not stupid. AKA - I don't drive on medians, I don't whip into a stopped lane at 40 mph. But I am aggressive. If you give me an inch, I'm going to take it. If you cut me off, I'm going to respond. If you give me a chance to cut you off, I probably will.
Not pretty, but there you go. There is something about living on the razor-edge of danger that I enjoy. I admit it.
The other reason, I think, is that I see every car, every lane of gridlock, every slow moving vehicle as the obsticle between me and my family. I get out of work around 5 three days a week, and by the time I get the car and get home, it's 6:30 PM. Bailey goes to bed around 7 PM. So if I get caught in traffic, I miss seeing her for an entire day. By my way of thinking, that means that all the fuckers out there on the road, are in my way. They are the people that stand between seeing my child and not seeing her. And, if you remember from above, nothing makes me more angry than that which stands between me and Bailey.
So, the thought that I had while I was driving home last night was that someday, I'm going to make a mistake. And the speed, the aggressivness will not be worth it when the worst occurrs. The thought was enough to slow me down. A lot.
It's also the primary reason that I take the bus whenever possible. On the bus, I sleep or read. I don't do stupid shit like drive aggressively. I may hate the slow ass bus driver. I may get off the bus sick of my commute and miserable. But I get off the bus safely.
Pleasant thoughts, huh?
Tomorrow's the big day. If Littler Honey is willing to share his or her private parts with us, we will announce our chosen name...for those of you who don't already know! After the ultrasound appointment, we are spending the day together - shopping and being together. I CAN'T WAIT!
A few weeks back, I was thinking about guns and gun ownership. Some people know that Kelly owns a 38 that her grandfather and she bought together when Kelly was 18 (I think that was the age). It's a big, loud, scary gun and with the kick ass bullets her grandfather gave her, it would stop an elephant. Now, I've always came from a home were guns were an evil thought. Okay, maybe not evil, but definately not present or accepted. We had a "no war toys" policy - Mom just didn't like us playing with weapons or toys that faked like weapons. So, when I moved in with Kelly, I had this love/hate facination with the gun. After a while, Kelly took me to her dad's house where I shot a 22 rifle for the first time ever. I was unable to shoot the 38...I was still too scared of the loud bang. In any event, the gun is put away in a hard-to-reach location, there is a locked trigger lock and the bullets are in a completely different location. When the kids are older, they will be educated about weapons and the gun itself will be locked in a safe, away from them.
But we are still gun owners. Which sometimes takes me by surprise.
So as I was driving home the other day, I was thinking about all of this. And I tried to imagine a situation where I would find that gun in my hand and if I would have the balls to shoot someone. I mean, honestly, what a thought. But anyway. I realized, in a split second of seeing red that if someone ever tried to hurt my wife or my children, I would shoot them without a second thought. I see the world in black and white most of the time, and while I pride myself on being a relative liberal with strong belief in the justice system and the ability of people to reform or change, I would still kill a person who tried to hurt them. Without regret.
That's a strange thing to realize about yourself and I hope I never have to test my willingness to kill for my family.
An equally horrifying thought that I had yesterday while driving home was the image of me getting into a high-speed car crash and not surviving.
See, I am an aggressive driver. Not when Bailey is in the car (see above, about protecting my family), but when I am alone and driving home from work, I'm aggressive. I think it comes from two places.
First, I like high intensity, rhythmic motion. It's why I loved clubbin'. It's what I love about groups of people in protest. And if you have ever driven in DC rush hour traffic, you know that it is high intensity emotion, and I am one of them. Kelly hates driving in the shit. She gets angry at the assholes (like me) and equally frustrated with the people who drive to slow and create road blocks. But not me. I feed off the energy (and anger) of the people driving around me. I roll down the windows, crank up the most thuggish music I can find, and drive like a bat out of hell. I do it safely (or at least, in my mind) and I am not stupid. AKA - I don't drive on medians, I don't whip into a stopped lane at 40 mph. But I am aggressive. If you give me an inch, I'm going to take it. If you cut me off, I'm going to respond. If you give me a chance to cut you off, I probably will.
Not pretty, but there you go. There is something about living on the razor-edge of danger that I enjoy. I admit it.
The other reason, I think, is that I see every car, every lane of gridlock, every slow moving vehicle as the obsticle between me and my family. I get out of work around 5 three days a week, and by the time I get the car and get home, it's 6:30 PM. Bailey goes to bed around 7 PM. So if I get caught in traffic, I miss seeing her for an entire day. By my way of thinking, that means that all the fuckers out there on the road, are in my way. They are the people that stand between seeing my child and not seeing her. And, if you remember from above, nothing makes me more angry than that which stands between me and Bailey.
So, the thought that I had while I was driving home last night was that someday, I'm going to make a mistake. And the speed, the aggressivness will not be worth it when the worst occurrs. The thought was enough to slow me down. A lot.
It's also the primary reason that I take the bus whenever possible. On the bus, I sleep or read. I don't do stupid shit like drive aggressively. I may hate the slow ass bus driver. I may get off the bus sick of my commute and miserable. But I get off the bus safely.
Pleasant thoughts, huh?
Tomorrow's the big day. If Littler Honey is willing to share his or her private parts with us, we will announce our chosen name...for those of you who don't already know! After the ultrasound appointment, we are spending the day together - shopping and being together. I CAN'T WAIT!
10/07/2008
143
143 is our number. Simple and stupid, I know, but it is ours. For those of you who don't know, it stands for I love you. It is the number of letters in each word of the phrase.
We have been using it since the moment we met. Okay, well maybe not the moment, but since we said I love you to each other 10 days after we met, I think that counts as the "moment". Now, it's used in many ways - scribbled on notes in the morning, held up to the review mirror when one is driving behind the other, texted to each other at random points in our lives, written on cards.
And today marks 143 days left of this pregnancy.
So, my love, 143. In every possible way.
We have been using it since the moment we met. Okay, well maybe not the moment, but since we said I love you to each other 10 days after we met, I think that counts as the "moment". Now, it's used in many ways - scribbled on notes in the morning, held up to the review mirror when one is driving behind the other, texted to each other at random points in our lives, written on cards.
And today marks 143 days left of this pregnancy.
So, my love, 143. In every possible way.
10/06/2008
Momma's Little Shadow
We had another fantastic weekend. Is it the weather?? Maybe...a lovely 70 degrees and bright sunshine both days. I adore weather like this...
So, Sunday we took Bailey to the Zoo. She's been a number of times, but of course, remembers none of them. She's been super interested in animals recently, so we thought we would see what she did with real animals.
We had a fabulous time! Bailey loved it all, and spent most of the time walking (running) from exhibit to exhibit. She was cute as we walked by the pandas - every time she would get to a new opening in the fence, she would crouch down low and "look" for the animals. She spotted many of them and seemed entirely confused about it all. She enjoyed the small mammal house most of all - she loved the little monkeys that darted all over the place and the small, rodent-like animals best of all.
Kelly and I were pretty sad though it...it's hard for both of us to see animals trapped in cages. I hate it. But, there you go. After an incredibly over-priced lunch that Bailey wouldn't touch, we brought her home where she took a 4 hour nap!
So...she shadow part? Well, as I was attempting to herd Bailey, I kept getting ahead of her. I would turn around and walking backwards, looking at Kelly. Every single time that I turned around, Bailey did too and walked backwards! The first time, I thought she was about to make a break in the opposite direction. But she didn't. She started walking backwards. Just like me. Then, when I would turn around and face front, she would too. SERIOUSLY cute.
Another of Bailey's traits is that she loves to clean with us. Any time of cleaning or yard work will do. She had the time of her life last night - Kelly was cutting down the dead flowers and Bailey was picking them up and putting them in the garbage. A minor incident with a HUGE spider put the damper on yard work for me, but Bailey loved it. And isn't afraid of spiders at all. But, speaking of the mimicking...Kelly killed the huge spider. It jumped out of the garbage bag and when it hit the sidewalk, Kelly stamped on it. I know, I know...but that spider was huge. Second later, along comes Bailey, stamping madly in the same spot as Kelly.
She's so freakin' awesome. God, we love being her Moms.
About Littler Honey - Kelly is feeling him or her every day, about four times a day she reports. He or she is very active after Kelly eats or when she squishes her belly. She is looking very pregnant now - there is no hiding it. Her belly is completely transformed from the flat tummy she's lived with her entire life into a smooth, round, baby ball. She's absolutely beautiful.
We are waiting with anticipation for Friday's ultrasound. I've said it before, but I can't wait until we know if we are having a little boy or a little girl. Bailey thinks it is going to be a "sister". We taught her "brother" and "sister". Every time we ask her now if she wants a brother or a sister, she answers sister.
I'm sick today, so headed home soon. I'm wanting to curl up on the couch and bury my head. Nothing major...just a cold. But yucky!
So, Sunday we took Bailey to the Zoo. She's been a number of times, but of course, remembers none of them. She's been super interested in animals recently, so we thought we would see what she did with real animals.
We had a fabulous time! Bailey loved it all, and spent most of the time walking (running) from exhibit to exhibit. She was cute as we walked by the pandas - every time she would get to a new opening in the fence, she would crouch down low and "look" for the animals. She spotted many of them and seemed entirely confused about it all. She enjoyed the small mammal house most of all - she loved the little monkeys that darted all over the place and the small, rodent-like animals best of all.
Kelly and I were pretty sad though it...it's hard for both of us to see animals trapped in cages. I hate it. But, there you go. After an incredibly over-priced lunch that Bailey wouldn't touch, we brought her home where she took a 4 hour nap!
So...she shadow part? Well, as I was attempting to herd Bailey, I kept getting ahead of her. I would turn around and walking backwards, looking at Kelly. Every single time that I turned around, Bailey did too and walked backwards! The first time, I thought she was about to make a break in the opposite direction. But she didn't. She started walking backwards. Just like me. Then, when I would turn around and face front, she would too. SERIOUSLY cute.
Another of Bailey's traits is that she loves to clean with us. Any time of cleaning or yard work will do. She had the time of her life last night - Kelly was cutting down the dead flowers and Bailey was picking them up and putting them in the garbage. A minor incident with a HUGE spider put the damper on yard work for me, but Bailey loved it. And isn't afraid of spiders at all. But, speaking of the mimicking...Kelly killed the huge spider. It jumped out of the garbage bag and when it hit the sidewalk, Kelly stamped on it. I know, I know...but that spider was huge. Second later, along comes Bailey, stamping madly in the same spot as Kelly.
She's so freakin' awesome. God, we love being her Moms.
About Littler Honey - Kelly is feeling him or her every day, about four times a day she reports. He or she is very active after Kelly eats or when she squishes her belly. She is looking very pregnant now - there is no hiding it. Her belly is completely transformed from the flat tummy she's lived with her entire life into a smooth, round, baby ball. She's absolutely beautiful.
We are waiting with anticipation for Friday's ultrasound. I've said it before, but I can't wait until we know if we are having a little boy or a little girl. Bailey thinks it is going to be a "sister". We taught her "brother" and "sister". Every time we ask her now if she wants a brother or a sister, she answers sister.
I'm sick today, so headed home soon. I'm wanting to curl up on the couch and bury my head. Nothing major...just a cold. But yucky!
10/02/2008
An Unlikely Place
Kelly and I find ourselves in the completely unfamiliar territory of agreeing 100% with the conservative republicans that are voting down the bailout. Strange. Really, really strange.
I may get a bunch of hate mail for this, but here's the thing. If you made SMART decisions, decisions not driven by the mortgage lender, by your own desire to own the biggest home on the block and your need to define your place in society by what you own, you wouldn't be in the position of losing your home. Period. Everyone has a choice in this. Everyone. I am so tired of the talk of bailing out the people and companies that were not honest with themselves and their finances back when they had that chance.
Now, this bailout certainly isn't bailing out any of the little people, so I'll get off that topic. But the financial systems are in the same position. Because of over-valued property (in a completely ridiculous way, I might add) and corporate greed, we find ourselves in the position of having to face the music.
Perhaps I'm being shortsighted, but I'm not so sure that long-term recession would be so bad for this country. A little poverty, failed businesses all over the place and one BIG FUCKING REMINDER to live within your means.
As for those companies that everyone seems to find so crucial that our children will be paying for this pork-filled bill, well they can fuck off. Let 'em die. That's what I say. They deserve it.
I have enough trust in the capitalist system (which I hate, by the way) to know that it will bounce back. If we all lose a tanker load of value in our stocks, they will eventually come back. Our market will self-correct. No amount of government-injected, tax-payer funded dollars will prevent the system from doing what it will.
So, rock on conservative republicans. This may be the only time I ever agree with you...but I'm sure backing you now.
I may get a bunch of hate mail for this, but here's the thing. If you made SMART decisions, decisions not driven by the mortgage lender, by your own desire to own the biggest home on the block and your need to define your place in society by what you own, you wouldn't be in the position of losing your home. Period. Everyone has a choice in this. Everyone. I am so tired of the talk of bailing out the people and companies that were not honest with themselves and their finances back when they had that chance.
Now, this bailout certainly isn't bailing out any of the little people, so I'll get off that topic. But the financial systems are in the same position. Because of over-valued property (in a completely ridiculous way, I might add) and corporate greed, we find ourselves in the position of having to face the music.
Perhaps I'm being shortsighted, but I'm not so sure that long-term recession would be so bad for this country. A little poverty, failed businesses all over the place and one BIG FUCKING REMINDER to live within your means.
As for those companies that everyone seems to find so crucial that our children will be paying for this pork-filled bill, well they can fuck off. Let 'em die. That's what I say. They deserve it.
I have enough trust in the capitalist system (which I hate, by the way) to know that it will bounce back. If we all lose a tanker load of value in our stocks, they will eventually come back. Our market will self-correct. No amount of government-injected, tax-payer funded dollars will prevent the system from doing what it will.
So, rock on conservative republicans. This may be the only time I ever agree with you...but I'm sure backing you now.
9/30/2008
15 Minute Break
Our new lawyers successfully started yesterday and all the work, preparation and aggrevation paid off. It was a completely successful day. More orientation over the next couple of days, but the first day is always the most important. I think we did good.
Anyway.
First, our doctors appointment. We went in for our regular 18 week check up on Friday. The lesson of the day is never, ever schedule OB appointments in the afternoon. After waiting an hour (while Kelly got progressively hungrier and crankier), we finally met with our doctor. Actually, we met with the only male doctor in the practice. We are at one of those places where any one of our doctors may be the one on call when we deliver...we've now met them all. I was a bit apprehensive about meeting the male doctor, but he was wonderful and now we really don't care who delivers us.
The appointment was short and sweet. We heard a very healthy heartbeat. I'm guessing the number was in the high 150's. I say guessing, because when I asked him what the heart rate was his response was "It's a great heartbeat, 160 is just about average." I assume that to mean that his or her heartbeat was right up there with average. I also failed to see what the measurement was, although he did take it this time. He didn't tell us, and I didn't ask. Kelly scolded me later for that. Kelly has gained 12 pounds so far. She is right on track with the expected weight gain. She's a bit worried because 7 of those 12 pounds were gained in the past four weeks. But we continue to believe that it's because she is no longer as nauseous all the time and able to eat. And she's been craving sweets. No issues with the weight, but there you have it.
The other information to come from the appointment was a theory that seems to fit about why Kelly was having chest pains. Our doctor told us about this thing that happens when the joint that connects your breast bone and your ribs becomes inflamed. It can cause heart-attack like symptoms, but then generally just goes away. When inflamed, it hurts to breath at all because the expanding lungs push on the joint, causing it to move. It's the movement that causes the pain. It's common in pregnant women who vomit, because the vomitting can cause the inflamation. We were relieved and happy to finally have something that fits both the symptoms and the reason why it just stopped.
In other baby news, Littler Honey has become active. Kelly feels him or her at least once a day and the feelings are becoming more obvious. It's such a joy for me every time she says the baby moved. I like that. It's reassuring. Now...if only I could feel him or her. Kelly is popping quite a bit. I will be posting a "photo" post after this one with some new pictures of Bailey and the 18 weeks belly shot. It's not much different from the 16 week photo, but her belly is definately changing. She's getting fuller at the top of her belly and you can really see the definition between her "normal" tummy and the baby belly. It's really quite beautiful...
Bailey is doing very, very well. She is mimicking every word we say and usually with a high degree of accuracy. She's such a happy baby girl. She is the light of our lives. She's eating well, finally has 8 teeth and is sleeping the "right" number of hours. She's still the charmer she always was. Interestingly, she is going through a clingy phase with us. She's not really into anyone but Kelly and I and with us, she is very into being held, hugged and close. Not that we mind. There really isn't anything better than a super-huge hug from Bailey. She's a big girl...size 3T already.
Kelly and I are gearing up for potty training. Bailey is ready. All that we need to do is get onboard and start the process. She tells us when she has peed and when she has pooped. Sometimes she is wrong, but she does try to tell us. We need to make it happen. For some reason, we haven't jumped on it. Not sure why.
My final piece of update is that I wanted to share my great weekend. I have spent a lot of time recently being frustrated and putting that out there. This weekend was such a departure from that frustration that I have to share it. Everything was basically normal, except that Kelly and I were gentle and kind to one another. We loved each other the way we used to when we have all kinds of free time and no worries other than each other. We spent all of the time that Bailey was sleeping over the couple of days together, rather than working or doing chores. We watched a movie, we snuggled in bed. We talked. We hugged. It was fantastic and much needed for both of us.
And then, on Sunday, Bailey and I had a completely fantastic day together. I'm not really sure why, but we just both really enjoyed each other all day. We played in the kitchen (her in the sink, me cooking and doing food prep for the week). Kelly watched football and did little stuff here and there. And then, at the end of the day, after being cooped up inside because of rain all weekend, Bailey and I went outside to play. I pushed her on her bike and we stomped in puddles in our bare feet. When it started to rain again, we ran inside to the garage. Bailey stood looking at the rain and then took my hand and pulled me out into it. She twirled around, getting soaked, and stamped her little feet in the puddles and giggled the whole time. We played in the rain together for about 15 minutes. At the end, we were both cold and wet and my soul was brimming with joy. That girl gets to the very best places in me. It's funny, ironic, perfect that it took my daughter pulling me out in the rain and twirling around to help me find my center.
Anyway.
First, our doctors appointment. We went in for our regular 18 week check up on Friday. The lesson of the day is never, ever schedule OB appointments in the afternoon. After waiting an hour (while Kelly got progressively hungrier and crankier), we finally met with our doctor. Actually, we met with the only male doctor in the practice. We are at one of those places where any one of our doctors may be the one on call when we deliver...we've now met them all. I was a bit apprehensive about meeting the male doctor, but he was wonderful and now we really don't care who delivers us.
The appointment was short and sweet. We heard a very healthy heartbeat. I'm guessing the number was in the high 150's. I say guessing, because when I asked him what the heart rate was his response was "It's a great heartbeat, 160 is just about average." I assume that to mean that his or her heartbeat was right up there with average. I also failed to see what the measurement was, although he did take it this time. He didn't tell us, and I didn't ask. Kelly scolded me later for that. Kelly has gained 12 pounds so far. She is right on track with the expected weight gain. She's a bit worried because 7 of those 12 pounds were gained in the past four weeks. But we continue to believe that it's because she is no longer as nauseous all the time and able to eat. And she's been craving sweets. No issues with the weight, but there you have it.
The other information to come from the appointment was a theory that seems to fit about why Kelly was having chest pains. Our doctor told us about this thing that happens when the joint that connects your breast bone and your ribs becomes inflamed. It can cause heart-attack like symptoms, but then generally just goes away. When inflamed, it hurts to breath at all because the expanding lungs push on the joint, causing it to move. It's the movement that causes the pain. It's common in pregnant women who vomit, because the vomitting can cause the inflamation. We were relieved and happy to finally have something that fits both the symptoms and the reason why it just stopped.
In other baby news, Littler Honey has become active. Kelly feels him or her at least once a day and the feelings are becoming more obvious. It's such a joy for me every time she says the baby moved. I like that. It's reassuring. Now...if only I could feel him or her. Kelly is popping quite a bit. I will be posting a "photo" post after this one with some new pictures of Bailey and the 18 weeks belly shot. It's not much different from the 16 week photo, but her belly is definately changing. She's getting fuller at the top of her belly and you can really see the definition between her "normal" tummy and the baby belly. It's really quite beautiful...
Bailey is doing very, very well. She is mimicking every word we say and usually with a high degree of accuracy. She's such a happy baby girl. She is the light of our lives. She's eating well, finally has 8 teeth and is sleeping the "right" number of hours. She's still the charmer she always was. Interestingly, she is going through a clingy phase with us. She's not really into anyone but Kelly and I and with us, she is very into being held, hugged and close. Not that we mind. There really isn't anything better than a super-huge hug from Bailey. She's a big girl...size 3T already.
Kelly and I are gearing up for potty training. Bailey is ready. All that we need to do is get onboard and start the process. She tells us when she has peed and when she has pooped. Sometimes she is wrong, but she does try to tell us. We need to make it happen. For some reason, we haven't jumped on it. Not sure why.
My final piece of update is that I wanted to share my great weekend. I have spent a lot of time recently being frustrated and putting that out there. This weekend was such a departure from that frustration that I have to share it. Everything was basically normal, except that Kelly and I were gentle and kind to one another. We loved each other the way we used to when we have all kinds of free time and no worries other than each other. We spent all of the time that Bailey was sleeping over the couple of days together, rather than working or doing chores. We watched a movie, we snuggled in bed. We talked. We hugged. It was fantastic and much needed for both of us.
And then, on Sunday, Bailey and I had a completely fantastic day together. I'm not really sure why, but we just both really enjoyed each other all day. We played in the kitchen (her in the sink, me cooking and doing food prep for the week). Kelly watched football and did little stuff here and there. And then, at the end of the day, after being cooped up inside because of rain all weekend, Bailey and I went outside to play. I pushed her on her bike and we stomped in puddles in our bare feet. When it started to rain again, we ran inside to the garage. Bailey stood looking at the rain and then took my hand and pulled me out into it. She twirled around, getting soaked, and stamped her little feet in the puddles and giggled the whole time. We played in the rain together for about 15 minutes. At the end, we were both cold and wet and my soul was brimming with joy. That girl gets to the very best places in me. It's funny, ironic, perfect that it took my daughter pulling me out in the rain and twirling around to help me find my center.
9/29/2008
I'll Write More Later
Today is the big day - 25 new laywers starting today. I've got lots to update you all on - doctor's appointments, Kelly's chest pains, dancing in the rain with our wonderful daughter and an absolutely luxurious, fantastic, no-work, all play, love my wife kind of weekend.
I'll write more later. I promise! For now, I'm off to orient 25 newbies.
I'll write more later. I promise! For now, I'm off to orient 25 newbies.
9/23/2008
Rage On, Dear Friends
Sorry it's been a while since I've written. Seems like time warps sometimes.
Since I've last written, Our Littler Honey has made what seems like tremendous growth. Kelly's tummy has just popped right out there. She is still wearing pretty big and baggy clothes, so when seen by normal people, she looks "slightly" pregnant. She could still pass if you didn't look for a long time. But with her clothes off...dear lord, people! Her little tummy is not little anymore. It pops right out. She is carrying very low, but starting to fill out in the top part of her belly. Her belly button has become hollow - you can see all the way to the bottom and the sides are flat instead of creased. Her belly is smooth and by the evening, the skin is quite tight. She is beautiful naked, and while I wouldn't share that vision with anyone, I kind of wish that people could see her. She has a beautiful pregnant body.
She is still sick and still on Zofran every six hours. We keep waiting for the sickness to stop, but it really hasn't. With that said, it is much, much more manageable than it was in the early stages. The only time that she vomits is in the morning and that is becoming rare. Perhaps once or twice a week. She is nauseated a lot, though. I think she is afraid to come off the Zofran. Eventually our doctors will just pull her off and that will be that. But for now, the Zofran comforts her and prevents serious nausea.
She is emotionally exhuasted from the effort of being pregnant. Being sick for three months straight, every single day, is rough. I think she's reached the when-the-fuck-will-this-be-over stage. And we still have a long way to go.
We have our next doctor's appointment on Friday. Our regular 4-week check up. Hopefully all will be well and we'll hear a healthy heartbeat. There is certainly no reason to suspect otherwise, but that heartbeat is damn comforting.
Kelly hasn't felt the baby kick since the first time. It's still pretty early for that, though, so we are not worried. Besides, it's only exciting the first 100 kicks or so...LOL!
The 20-week ultrasound is in about 2 1/2 weeks. We super-anxious about it. We haven't seen the baby since he or she was a tiny blob with a heartbeat. It will be nice to see a human-esque image. More importantly, if all goes well, we will have a name to put with the baby once it is over. That seems like such an important thing this time around. We both can't wait.
Bailey is now able to say both of the names that we have selected. It's really funny. She rolls them around in her mouth and some version of them comes on out. She's super cute about it. The other day, she came up to me and patted my belly and said "baby". We've been doing that with Kelly's belly for a couple of months now. She's obviously confused about the concept, but it is still cute. It's going to be funny to see how she reacts to the newborn. LOL. Funny or not...
Everything else is status quo. It will be nice when life slows down a bit and the holidays come. We are very much looking forward to the holidays this year...
Since I've last written, Our Littler Honey has made what seems like tremendous growth. Kelly's tummy has just popped right out there. She is still wearing pretty big and baggy clothes, so when seen by normal people, she looks "slightly" pregnant. She could still pass if you didn't look for a long time. But with her clothes off...dear lord, people! Her little tummy is not little anymore. It pops right out. She is carrying very low, but starting to fill out in the top part of her belly. Her belly button has become hollow - you can see all the way to the bottom and the sides are flat instead of creased. Her belly is smooth and by the evening, the skin is quite tight. She is beautiful naked, and while I wouldn't share that vision with anyone, I kind of wish that people could see her. She has a beautiful pregnant body.
She is still sick and still on Zofran every six hours. We keep waiting for the sickness to stop, but it really hasn't. With that said, it is much, much more manageable than it was in the early stages. The only time that she vomits is in the morning and that is becoming rare. Perhaps once or twice a week. She is nauseated a lot, though. I think she is afraid to come off the Zofran. Eventually our doctors will just pull her off and that will be that. But for now, the Zofran comforts her and prevents serious nausea.
She is emotionally exhuasted from the effort of being pregnant. Being sick for three months straight, every single day, is rough. I think she's reached the when-the-fuck-will-this-be-over stage. And we still have a long way to go.
We have our next doctor's appointment on Friday. Our regular 4-week check up. Hopefully all will be well and we'll hear a healthy heartbeat. There is certainly no reason to suspect otherwise, but that heartbeat is damn comforting.
Kelly hasn't felt the baby kick since the first time. It's still pretty early for that, though, so we are not worried. Besides, it's only exciting the first 100 kicks or so...LOL!
The 20-week ultrasound is in about 2 1/2 weeks. We super-anxious about it. We haven't seen the baby since he or she was a tiny blob with a heartbeat. It will be nice to see a human-esque image. More importantly, if all goes well, we will have a name to put with the baby once it is over. That seems like such an important thing this time around. We both can't wait.
Bailey is now able to say both of the names that we have selected. It's really funny. She rolls them around in her mouth and some version of them comes on out. She's super cute about it. The other day, she came up to me and patted my belly and said "baby". We've been doing that with Kelly's belly for a couple of months now. She's obviously confused about the concept, but it is still cute. It's going to be funny to see how she reacts to the newborn. LOL. Funny or not...
Everything else is status quo. It will be nice when life slows down a bit and the holidays come. We are very much looking forward to the holidays this year...
9/18/2008
Perspective
Just a bit of perspective - yesterday was a rough day. Obviously. But I wouldn't want anyone (Kelly included) to think that I'm not happy overall or satisfied with my life. I am, but there are days when I can't see the forest for the trees. I get lost in the every day crap and forget that I'm actually happy where I am.
The problem is that "happy" is an overall term. So I can be both happy with my life and miserable in the moment. Sometimes, I'm both happy in the moment and happy in my life. Overall, things are good.
I have a great friend who emailed yesterday and reminded me not to get stuck in the always/never trap. In other words the "it's always going to be this way, things will never change." I do get stuck there sometimes, although I think that I keep some perspective most of the time.
Things are not really different today. All the same needs are there and the same reality of not getting those needs met is still there. Maybe it's sleep deprevation, but I don't feel nearly as fatal about it today. It's all perspective, I guess.
The problem is that "happy" is an overall term. So I can be both happy with my life and miserable in the moment. Sometimes, I'm both happy in the moment and happy in my life. Overall, things are good.
I have a great friend who emailed yesterday and reminded me not to get stuck in the always/never trap. In other words the "it's always going to be this way, things will never change." I do get stuck there sometimes, although I think that I keep some perspective most of the time.
Things are not really different today. All the same needs are there and the same reality of not getting those needs met is still there. Maybe it's sleep deprevation, but I don't feel nearly as fatal about it today. It's all perspective, I guess.
9/17/2008
It's Midnight
It's midnight and I am blogging because I need to do something before calling it a night.
Turns out I did make it home in time for the bath. Here is how it happened:
Over the past few days, Kelly has been having weird pain in her chest. Not in her lungs. Nothing that could be easily described or explained away. After three days (two of which the pain was pretty severe), she decided to go to the hospital. She went without me this morning, assuring me that she was just being silly and that they would tell her it was gas and send her home. Being as stressed as I was, I accepted that answer.
She called me at 2:30 and told me that I would need to pick Bailey up. They had done an EKG, lots of blood work testing her gall bladder, liver and for clots. Because she is pregnant and cannot do a CAT Scan to check for blood clots in her chest, they had to do an ultrasound on her legs to see if there was any sign there.
I immediately jumped into the car and headed to the hospital. When I arrived, she was sitting and waiting for the results. About 20 minutes after I got there, the doctor came in and told her that everything was clear. It's not a clot, she has no heart issues, there isn't really anything to explain it. So they sent her home with a warning to watch the signs.
We had a lovely evening with Bailey and then I got to work. The clock is about to strike midnight and I am going to bed. In 4 hours my alarm is going to go off to greet me (kick me) into a new day.
Hopefully a better one than today has been.
Turns out I did make it home in time for the bath. Here is how it happened:
Over the past few days, Kelly has been having weird pain in her chest. Not in her lungs. Nothing that could be easily described or explained away. After three days (two of which the pain was pretty severe), she decided to go to the hospital. She went without me this morning, assuring me that she was just being silly and that they would tell her it was gas and send her home. Being as stressed as I was, I accepted that answer.
She called me at 2:30 and told me that I would need to pick Bailey up. They had done an EKG, lots of blood work testing her gall bladder, liver and for clots. Because she is pregnant and cannot do a CAT Scan to check for blood clots in her chest, they had to do an ultrasound on her legs to see if there was any sign there.
I immediately jumped into the car and headed to the hospital. When I arrived, she was sitting and waiting for the results. About 20 minutes after I got there, the doctor came in and told her that everything was clear. It's not a clot, she has no heart issues, there isn't really anything to explain it. So they sent her home with a warning to watch the signs.
We had a lovely evening with Bailey and then I got to work. The clock is about to strike midnight and I am going to bed. In 4 hours my alarm is going to go off to greet me (kick me) into a new day.
Hopefully a better one than today has been.
How I Really Feel
Today, I'm stressed. Very. Stressed. I shouldn't be taking the time out of my day to write this post, and yet I am. I need the breather from what I'm doing. So here I am. Typing and stressing.
So here is the thing. What I want to be doing right now is screaming at the top of my lungs.
This morning, as I was driving to work (yes driving...because once again the fucking bus didn't have enough seats and I couldn't wait any longer for the next bus). So as I was driving, I was listening to Pink. Very, very loudly. And I realized that I was bombing down the road, driving at 80-90 miles per hour, weaving in and out of traffic. I was, in fact, driving like a fucking maniac. All the while I was praying that the cops didn't see me and make me more late. And as I'm doing this, I'm realizing that I will not be able to leave work tonight before 7-8 PM (if I'm lucky) and that means that I won't be able to see my daughter or my wife before they go to bed. And I'll come home to a messy house, with dishes to do. I'll walk in exhausted, wanting nothing more than to sit out on my front porch and smoke a joint (there, I said it) and drink a beer. And I won't do either of those things. Instead, I'll do the dishes, clean up, scoop the poop, prep Bailey and Kelly's meals for tomorrow, and maybe watch 5 minutes of late-night news. Around 11:30 or so, I'll drag myself into bed, exhausted from a day that started at 5:30 this morning and my alarm will go off at 4 AM tomorrow. And I won't have hugged my daughter. I won't have participated in her bath. I won't have loved my wife.
So I was thinking about all of this, bombing down the road to a job I don't want to be at right now, and wondering who the fuck I'm supposed to get everything done. I mean, really. How? How am I supposed to be everything to everybody? And who the fuck is anyone to me? I mean, honestly, if I'm not taking care of me and nobody else is taking care of me (this is not to snap at Kelly, she's pregnant. She's off the hook, but it does leave me high and dry), then how I am supposed to get my needs met.
What I need is a break. A real fucking break. No work. No commute. No Bailey. No Kelly. No noise. No thought. No needs that I can or can't meet. No chores. No dishes. No cats. No bills and plans for the future. Nothing. Me. Alone. By the ocean. For at least a day. I need a chance to regroup, recenter, rejuvenate my very, very tired self.
And what I was really thinking as I was crazy-driving this morning is that no matter how much I may need it, I'm not going to get it. Because my needs are not important right now. And even if they are important, they are secondary to everyone else's needs and I just have to fucking deal with it.
So here is the thing. What I want to be doing right now is screaming at the top of my lungs.
This morning, as I was driving to work (yes driving...because once again the fucking bus didn't have enough seats and I couldn't wait any longer for the next bus). So as I was driving, I was listening to Pink. Very, very loudly. And I realized that I was bombing down the road, driving at 80-90 miles per hour, weaving in and out of traffic. I was, in fact, driving like a fucking maniac. All the while I was praying that the cops didn't see me and make me more late. And as I'm doing this, I'm realizing that I will not be able to leave work tonight before 7-8 PM (if I'm lucky) and that means that I won't be able to see my daughter or my wife before they go to bed. And I'll come home to a messy house, with dishes to do. I'll walk in exhausted, wanting nothing more than to sit out on my front porch and smoke a joint (there, I said it) and drink a beer. And I won't do either of those things. Instead, I'll do the dishes, clean up, scoop the poop, prep Bailey and Kelly's meals for tomorrow, and maybe watch 5 minutes of late-night news. Around 11:30 or so, I'll drag myself into bed, exhausted from a day that started at 5:30 this morning and my alarm will go off at 4 AM tomorrow. And I won't have hugged my daughter. I won't have participated in her bath. I won't have loved my wife.
So I was thinking about all of this, bombing down the road to a job I don't want to be at right now, and wondering who the fuck I'm supposed to get everything done. I mean, really. How? How am I supposed to be everything to everybody? And who the fuck is anyone to me? I mean, honestly, if I'm not taking care of me and nobody else is taking care of me (this is not to snap at Kelly, she's pregnant. She's off the hook, but it does leave me high and dry), then how I am supposed to get my needs met.
What I need is a break. A real fucking break. No work. No commute. No Bailey. No Kelly. No noise. No thought. No needs that I can or can't meet. No chores. No dishes. No cats. No bills and plans for the future. Nothing. Me. Alone. By the ocean. For at least a day. I need a chance to regroup, recenter, rejuvenate my very, very tired self.
And what I was really thinking as I was crazy-driving this morning is that no matter how much I may need it, I'm not going to get it. Because my needs are not important right now. And even if they are important, they are secondary to everyone else's needs and I just have to fucking deal with it.
9/14/2008
Littler Honey Update
This morning, at 5:30 AM, Kelly felt Littler Honey move for the first time! Bailey had woken up (incidentally with a fever) and I had gone into her room to tend to her. When I came back in into our bedroom to let Kelly know that Bailey had a fever, she told me that she has just felt the baby for the first time. She was resting herself backwards on a pile of pillow and blankets, so her belly was kind of stretched out at the time. She felt the feeling directly below her belly button. She described it as the same feeling that you have when you get those involuntary eye twitches. Very light, very faint, but very distinct.
AMAZING!!!! Now...I just have to wait until it's my turn to feel our Littler Honey.
Here is a 16 week belly shot. Just for comparison purposes, I've put the 14 weeks pregnancy shot in there. This is why my love has been so exhausted she can't think straight.
This was Kelly on August 29th (at just a few days past 14 weeks).
And this is Kelly today (at just a few days past 16 weeks).
AMAZING!!!! Now...I just have to wait until it's my turn to feel our Littler Honey.
Here is a 16 week belly shot. Just for comparison purposes, I've put the 14 weeks pregnancy shot in there. This is why my love has been so exhausted she can't think straight.
This was Kelly on August 29th (at just a few days past 14 weeks).
And this is Kelly today (at just a few days past 16 weeks).
9/12/2008
16 Weeks!
We've made it 16 weeks!!! We are 24 weeks away from this pregnancy being over (hopefully). 24 weeks away from holding our Littler Honey. 24 weeks away from introducing the person who will have the most significant impact on Bailey's young life yet. 24 weeks from becoming a ratio of 1-1 instead of 2-1. 24 weeks away from mind-blowing exhaustion and soul crushing happiness. 24 weeks from the jumping off point for the rest of our lives. 24 weeks from moving beyond the baby-planning and baby-making phase of our life. 24 weeks until we are a family of 4...just as we've always dreamed.
And only 28 days away from knowing if the little life inside of my beautiful wife's body is a little boy or girl.
Kelly said yesterday that she is just so anxious to know this time around. Last time we were much more calm about it - if we decided to know, fine. If not, fine. This time, we are chomping at the bit to put a name to the child we are growing.
This weekend is the county fair in our area. We are both looking forward to bringing Bailey and enjoying the fall festivities! We are going to do a bit of shopping, see the animals, play some games and eat some yummy fair-food. Kelly has already claimed that she will be eating fair french fries. I'm not sure what my treat will be. The first year we went, I was pregnant and ate a bunch of everything. The second year, Bailey was tiny, tiny, tiny and I carried her around in the sling all day. I think I ate fried dough. Why it matters, I don't know...but I always associate the fair with yummy fried food!
Have a great weekend, everyone!
And only 28 days away from knowing if the little life inside of my beautiful wife's body is a little boy or girl.
Kelly said yesterday that she is just so anxious to know this time around. Last time we were much more calm about it - if we decided to know, fine. If not, fine. This time, we are chomping at the bit to put a name to the child we are growing.
This weekend is the county fair in our area. We are both looking forward to bringing Bailey and enjoying the fall festivities! We are going to do a bit of shopping, see the animals, play some games and eat some yummy fair-food. Kelly has already claimed that she will be eating fair french fries. I'm not sure what my treat will be. The first year we went, I was pregnant and ate a bunch of everything. The second year, Bailey was tiny, tiny, tiny and I carried her around in the sling all day. I think I ate fried dough. Why it matters, I don't know...but I always associate the fair with yummy fried food!
Have a great weekend, everyone!
9/09/2008
Our Littler Honey
In other news...
Our Littler Honey is growing fast and furious if Kelly's belly and her sickness, exhaustion and moodiness are any indication. Her belly is definately showing now. She is still hiding behind clothes for the most part - you can see a bit when she's dressed, but not like when she is naked. When she is naked, she has the quintessential pregnant woman body. Her belly is smooth and round, her back starting to bow and her boobs are HUGE! LOL - my baby was always a small, never have to wear a bra kind of boob girl. Now, she is definately not. Her breasts shock her...and they delight me (even though they are off limits...LOL)! It's wonderful to see her usually skinny body take on the curves of motherhood. I think it's beautiful.
She is perpetually exhausted and can't seem to get enough sleep. This is par for the course, obviously, but it doesn't make it any easier. I got to sleep through my pregnacy. Kelly doesn't have that luxury. She's exhausted and sleeps hard when she finally gets to bed. But it's never early enough and never long enough. I try to let her sleep in on the weekends, but she wakes up and then knows that Bailey is up so she gets up too. Sleeping in is just not an option these days.
Her sickness is still a factor. The vomitting has mostly stopped, except for this morning. She was particularly queasy this morning and actually puked. She spends much of her time nauseated still, but not usually followed by vomitting. She's still on Zofran every 6 hours, but we're starting to think about pushing it back. We'll see how the next four weeks go.
I think that food is the biggest drama right now. She is hungry a lot but nothing ever sounds good. It's hard for her, because in her pre-pregnancy life if she was hungry but couldn't come up with something to eat, she just wouldn't eat. In fact, she kept her weight to a tiny 125 or less all through college using this method. LOL - I make that sound like a weight technique, but it really isn't. She would just not want to deal with food and so she wouldn't.
Well, of course, that isn't an option right now. She has to eat. But food that five minutes ago sounded good now doesn't. It's still very, very touch and go. She'll can force food in, but if it is the wrong food, she'll just get sick.
She's hit the depressed wall about food. The thought of having to deal with it has brought her to tears more than once. I try to take the pain out of it by having multiple options prepared and ready to go, but that is hard all the time. We are trying not to spend a bunch of money eating out, but whatever works. Kelly hates the topic.
As for the emotional side of things...well, Kelly is typical. She's moody and then she's not. She's emotional and then she's not. She clings then she doesn't. She cries at blips of movies that she sees, even when she doesn't know the plot or anything. Country songs make her cry. She is overwhelmed by everything sometimes. She doesn't want to go anywhere, doesn't want to do anything...but she's bored. The things that she used to take in stride annoy the shit out of her. In short - she's pregnant and hard to deal with and wonderful all at the same time.
The only shocking thing about this is the contrast from how she is when she's no pregnant. My honey is not an overtly emotional person. She is extremely emotional in many ways, but she doesn't exactly put that out there. Now, she can't help but put it out there. It's just where she is at. I love it some days and I hate it other days...just like any partner of a pregnant woman.
So...what does all of this mean? I think it means that Littler Honey is doing exactly what she or he needs to be doing right now...sucking all of his/her Mommy's resources, producing hormones that make his/her Mommy kinda crazy and growing like a weed! Grow baby grow!
Our Littler Honey is growing fast and furious if Kelly's belly and her sickness, exhaustion and moodiness are any indication. Her belly is definately showing now. She is still hiding behind clothes for the most part - you can see a bit when she's dressed, but not like when she is naked. When she is naked, she has the quintessential pregnant woman body. Her belly is smooth and round, her back starting to bow and her boobs are HUGE! LOL - my baby was always a small, never have to wear a bra kind of boob girl. Now, she is definately not. Her breasts shock her...and they delight me (even though they are off limits...LOL)! It's wonderful to see her usually skinny body take on the curves of motherhood. I think it's beautiful.
She is perpetually exhausted and can't seem to get enough sleep. This is par for the course, obviously, but it doesn't make it any easier. I got to sleep through my pregnacy. Kelly doesn't have that luxury. She's exhausted and sleeps hard when she finally gets to bed. But it's never early enough and never long enough. I try to let her sleep in on the weekends, but she wakes up and then knows that Bailey is up so she gets up too. Sleeping in is just not an option these days.
Her sickness is still a factor. The vomitting has mostly stopped, except for this morning. She was particularly queasy this morning and actually puked. She spends much of her time nauseated still, but not usually followed by vomitting. She's still on Zofran every 6 hours, but we're starting to think about pushing it back. We'll see how the next four weeks go.
I think that food is the biggest drama right now. She is hungry a lot but nothing ever sounds good. It's hard for her, because in her pre-pregnancy life if she was hungry but couldn't come up with something to eat, she just wouldn't eat. In fact, she kept her weight to a tiny 125 or less all through college using this method. LOL - I make that sound like a weight technique, but it really isn't. She would just not want to deal with food and so she wouldn't.
Well, of course, that isn't an option right now. She has to eat. But food that five minutes ago sounded good now doesn't. It's still very, very touch and go. She'll can force food in, but if it is the wrong food, she'll just get sick.
She's hit the depressed wall about food. The thought of having to deal with it has brought her to tears more than once. I try to take the pain out of it by having multiple options prepared and ready to go, but that is hard all the time. We are trying not to spend a bunch of money eating out, but whatever works. Kelly hates the topic.
As for the emotional side of things...well, Kelly is typical. She's moody and then she's not. She's emotional and then she's not. She clings then she doesn't. She cries at blips of movies that she sees, even when she doesn't know the plot or anything. Country songs make her cry. She is overwhelmed by everything sometimes. She doesn't want to go anywhere, doesn't want to do anything...but she's bored. The things that she used to take in stride annoy the shit out of her. In short - she's pregnant and hard to deal with and wonderful all at the same time.
The only shocking thing about this is the contrast from how she is when she's no pregnant. My honey is not an overtly emotional person. She is extremely emotional in many ways, but she doesn't exactly put that out there. Now, she can't help but put it out there. It's just where she is at. I love it some days and I hate it other days...just like any partner of a pregnant woman.
So...what does all of this mean? I think it means that Littler Honey is doing exactly what she or he needs to be doing right now...sucking all of his/her Mommy's resources, producing hormones that make his/her Mommy kinda crazy and growing like a weed! Grow baby grow!
Diaper Rash
Mommy and Momma are on the war path today.
Last night, when I got home, Bailey pooped and I changed her. Not such big news, huh? Except that as I started to change her, she screamed in pain and began kicking me , thrusting away from me and sobbing hysterically. She was slathered in diaper rash cream and poop, so there was no choice but to push forward and get her cleaned up. I enlisted Kelly's help. She had to pin her shoulders down and hold Bailey's head in between her knees while I pinned her legs back with one hand and proceded to clean her as gently as I could. No amuont of gentleness helps, though, when you are in that much pain.
Bailey had a raging diaper rash, all over her cha cha, in the crack of her bum and along the cheeks of her bum.
The thing is, this happened last Monday too. It took us all week to get the rash gone and then over the weekend, it went away completely. We took strident measures all week (hounding the daycare) and making sure that she stayed dry. So, you can imagine how pissed off we were that she shows up after one day at daycare with a diaper rash so bad that two adults had to restrain her while cleaning her up.
We are pissed.
Bailey has very, very sensitive skin. As such, we have some pretty strict diaper policies. We don't use wipes when she pees. Pee is sterile and until it hits open air, it's perfectly fine. So there is no need to wipe every time she pees. Instead, we fan her dry, to make sure that she is not left wet and put on a new diaper. We've been doing this since the day she was born and it works. When we do use wipes, we use 7th Generation wipes and as few as possible. Then, we fan her dry so that she is not left wet with the stuff on the wipes. We change her a lot, and always immediately after she poops. Of course, we are not perfect and we've screwed up occasionally. But she has never, ever gotten diaper rash this bad on our watch. In fact, she's never gotten a "rash" on our watch at all - maybe a little redness when she poops more than once or twice a day.
At daycare, they have a two-hour policy. They change her every two hours. Period. So, if she poops 15 minutes after she has been changed, we have absolutely NO confidence that they are not just leaving her in that poopy diaper until her diaper-timer has run out. And even if that isn't the case, obviously something isn't right. She gets this rash when she goes to daycare.
So, we're on the war path. We're doing a conference call with the director this morning and we're going to lay in on hot and heavy.
Because if I have to watch my child suffer like that again tonight, I will pull her ass out of that fucking daycare...and they certainly DO NOT want to deal with me that pissed off.
Last night, when I got home, Bailey pooped and I changed her. Not such big news, huh? Except that as I started to change her, she screamed in pain and began kicking me , thrusting away from me and sobbing hysterically. She was slathered in diaper rash cream and poop, so there was no choice but to push forward and get her cleaned up. I enlisted Kelly's help. She had to pin her shoulders down and hold Bailey's head in between her knees while I pinned her legs back with one hand and proceded to clean her as gently as I could. No amuont of gentleness helps, though, when you are in that much pain.
Bailey had a raging diaper rash, all over her cha cha, in the crack of her bum and along the cheeks of her bum.
The thing is, this happened last Monday too. It took us all week to get the rash gone and then over the weekend, it went away completely. We took strident measures all week (hounding the daycare) and making sure that she stayed dry. So, you can imagine how pissed off we were that she shows up after one day at daycare with a diaper rash so bad that two adults had to restrain her while cleaning her up.
We are pissed.
Bailey has very, very sensitive skin. As such, we have some pretty strict diaper policies. We don't use wipes when she pees. Pee is sterile and until it hits open air, it's perfectly fine. So there is no need to wipe every time she pees. Instead, we fan her dry, to make sure that she is not left wet and put on a new diaper. We've been doing this since the day she was born and it works. When we do use wipes, we use 7th Generation wipes and as few as possible. Then, we fan her dry so that she is not left wet with the stuff on the wipes. We change her a lot, and always immediately after she poops. Of course, we are not perfect and we've screwed up occasionally. But she has never, ever gotten diaper rash this bad on our watch. In fact, she's never gotten a "rash" on our watch at all - maybe a little redness when she poops more than once or twice a day.
At daycare, they have a two-hour policy. They change her every two hours. Period. So, if she poops 15 minutes after she has been changed, we have absolutely NO confidence that they are not just leaving her in that poopy diaper until her diaper-timer has run out. And even if that isn't the case, obviously something isn't right. She gets this rash when she goes to daycare.
So, we're on the war path. We're doing a conference call with the director this morning and we're going to lay in on hot and heavy.
Because if I have to watch my child suffer like that again tonight, I will pull her ass out of that fucking daycare...and they certainly DO NOT want to deal with me that pissed off.
9/05/2008
14 Week Baby Bump
Our Littler Honey at 14 Weeks. Not much difference from the last picture! My "pop" happened between 19 and 21 weeks last time. We'll see when Kelly's "pop" happens.
TGIF
This has been a long, hard week. Work is picking up like crazy as both Kelly and I are headed into our busy seasons. I had a cold all weekend, that was at its worst yesterday. It seems to have broken up some overnight. There has been lots of head-down, nose-to-the-grindstone work this week and not much else.
With that said, Bailey is doing magnificent. Her latest roster of words includes slide, water, book, outside, bike, rock, birdy, blue, doggie, cat, and a bunch of others that escape me at 5:59 AM. Her vocabulary really is huge and there is never any trouble communicating with her. She even tells us when she has gone poop or pee. We're thinking that means that we need to start working the potty. *sigh* Why do I have a block about the potty??? I guess that is another blog.
Kelly and Littler Honey are doing alright. The sickness has become sporadic, rather than constant. It is still intense when it comes, but Kelly is finally feeling good enough to not say that she feels horrible all the time. Littler Honey is 15 weeks today! We are 3/4 of the way through the first half. Or, as Kelly just said, we are five weeks away from being halfway there.
We have our 20-week ultrasound scheduled for October 10th at 8:30 in the morning. We will know if our Littler Honey is a boy or a girl at that time...if we are lucky. LOL - watch, just because we want to know this time, our baby will be shy and we won't find out!
I shouldn't jinx us that way.
No big plans for the weekend. With the rain, I suspect we'll spend quite a bit of time at the indoor pool. It's a great way to get some of the energy out...and it's beneficial all around! But first, we have to get through this crazy Friday.
With that said, Bailey is doing magnificent. Her latest roster of words includes slide, water, book, outside, bike, rock, birdy, blue, doggie, cat, and a bunch of others that escape me at 5:59 AM. Her vocabulary really is huge and there is never any trouble communicating with her. She even tells us when she has gone poop or pee. We're thinking that means that we need to start working the potty. *sigh* Why do I have a block about the potty??? I guess that is another blog.
Kelly and Littler Honey are doing alright. The sickness has become sporadic, rather than constant. It is still intense when it comes, but Kelly is finally feeling good enough to not say that she feels horrible all the time. Littler Honey is 15 weeks today! We are 3/4 of the way through the first half. Or, as Kelly just said, we are five weeks away from being halfway there.
We have our 20-week ultrasound scheduled for October 10th at 8:30 in the morning. We will know if our Littler Honey is a boy or a girl at that time...if we are lucky. LOL - watch, just because we want to know this time, our baby will be shy and we won't find out!
I shouldn't jinx us that way.
No big plans for the weekend. With the rain, I suspect we'll spend quite a bit of time at the indoor pool. It's a great way to get some of the energy out...and it's beneficial all around! But first, we have to get through this crazy Friday.
9/02/2008
Middle Class Squeeze
Kelly and I realized last night that we fall right in the middle of the middle-class vice that is squeezing everyone. And it pisses us off.
We make good money, all told. We both have good jobs and our combined income is certainly not too shabby. Especially for two girls who are 29 and 33. With that said, we can't seem to put it all together in a way that makes sense. I don't want to bitch about our finances - because that would make Kelly uncomfortable - but we are both frustrated.
So, we're making some cuts. We have this triple play internet, phone and digital cable package that is a hold over from when I was on maternity leave. We're getting rid of it. We're getting rid of our at-home internet connection and phone entirely. We don't need a home phone - we both have cell phones and everyone knows those numbers. Call us on them. We're getting rid of the internet, because there isn't anything we can't do at work. We spend most of our time at work anyway. And we don't need the expense of at home internet service right now when we barely use it. Kelly is never online at home, and I don't need to be.
As for cable, we're stepping back down to our $16 a month plan. It'll give us the basics and that is all we need.
We're getting rid of other stuff too. Time to trim back down and make it all work.
Anyway - that has been on my mind.
This weekend was lovely. We had a fantastic time at the Renaissance Festival and Watkins Park. Bailey and I went swimming twice. We hung out with M&S and their sweet, sweet Danny. We spent time reconnecting and I cooked. I made a fantastic pork loin and turkey breast. Yummy!
We make good money, all told. We both have good jobs and our combined income is certainly not too shabby. Especially for two girls who are 29 and 33. With that said, we can't seem to put it all together in a way that makes sense. I don't want to bitch about our finances - because that would make Kelly uncomfortable - but we are both frustrated.
So, we're making some cuts. We have this triple play internet, phone and digital cable package that is a hold over from when I was on maternity leave. We're getting rid of it. We're getting rid of our at-home internet connection and phone entirely. We don't need a home phone - we both have cell phones and everyone knows those numbers. Call us on them. We're getting rid of the internet, because there isn't anything we can't do at work. We spend most of our time at work anyway. And we don't need the expense of at home internet service right now when we barely use it. Kelly is never online at home, and I don't need to be.
As for cable, we're stepping back down to our $16 a month plan. It'll give us the basics and that is all we need.
We're getting rid of other stuff too. Time to trim back down and make it all work.
Anyway - that has been on my mind.
This weekend was lovely. We had a fantastic time at the Renaissance Festival and Watkins Park. Bailey and I went swimming twice. We hung out with M&S and their sweet, sweet Danny. We spent time reconnecting and I cooked. I made a fantastic pork loin and turkey breast. Yummy!
8/29/2008
It's Raining Harder Than Ever...
But, I'm doing just fine today! We had our second doctor's appointment today and got to hear our littler honey's heartbeat. It was in the 150's, trending higher (towards the 160's). I'm not saying anything, but I'm going with the old wives tale...a heartbeat above 140 is a girl and below 140 is a boy. LOL - I truly don't care, though.
We got our 20-week ultrasound order, with a strict warning not to go in before we hit 20 weeks. We'll hit 20 weeks based on our calculated due date on October 10th, so that is the day that I'm setting it up for. They say that we are due one day later than we say we are due. Since their day falls on a Saturday, we're going with our day!!!!
This time, no secrets. We're finding out the gender and we'll share.
A word about gender this time - neither of us cares, and I'm the only one with a preference. If you were to tell me to pick, I'd pick a girl. Honestly, though, I don't care. There are some really cool things that would come with raising a son, and there are some really cool things that would come with raising another girl. We'll know in 6 weeks. Hopefully. I guess Littler Honey could be shy and not flash us. We'll see...
We got our questions answered and enjoyed a quick breakfast after the appointment. How wonderful it was to sit across a table for two with my beautiful wife and enjoy breakfast. How perfect to rectify my bluesy mood. I love her. God, I love her.
We fell asleep together last night and I ended up not waking her with my snoring. We slept the night through in the same bed. Therapy for the soul, I say...
We've got a lovely weekend planned - just chillin' with friends and hanging out. Hope you all enjoy yours!
We got our 20-week ultrasound order, with a strict warning not to go in before we hit 20 weeks. We'll hit 20 weeks based on our calculated due date on October 10th, so that is the day that I'm setting it up for. They say that we are due one day later than we say we are due. Since their day falls on a Saturday, we're going with our day!!!!
This time, no secrets. We're finding out the gender and we'll share.
A word about gender this time - neither of us cares, and I'm the only one with a preference. If you were to tell me to pick, I'd pick a girl. Honestly, though, I don't care. There are some really cool things that would come with raising a son, and there are some really cool things that would come with raising another girl. We'll know in 6 weeks. Hopefully. I guess Littler Honey could be shy and not flash us. We'll see...
We got our questions answered and enjoyed a quick breakfast after the appointment. How wonderful it was to sit across a table for two with my beautiful wife and enjoy breakfast. How perfect to rectify my bluesy mood. I love her. God, I love her.
We fell asleep together last night and I ended up not waking her with my snoring. We slept the night through in the same bed. Therapy for the soul, I say...
We've got a lovely weekend planned - just chillin' with friends and hanging out. Hope you all enjoy yours!
8/28/2008
Bluesy Like The Rain
I woke up this morning on the bluesy side of the bed. I don't think there is any real reason. I just feel like my life, the really important parts, are just slipping by while I am busy trying to do the things I've convinced myself need to be done.
I've been sleeping in the guest room. Before you get all worried, nothing is wrong with Kelly and I. I snore, so when she wakes up (as she does every hour or so) she can't get back to sleep. So she wakes me up to get me to stop snoring. But I'm a heavy sleeper, so I may roll over and stop for 5 minutes, but then I start again. Usually just as she's starting to fall asleep, thus waking her up. We've always been shitty sleeping companions, but pregnancy has made these usually tolerable problems horrible. I slept in the guest room during my pregnancy and I'm doing it now during hers.
The problem, though, that comes from this is that Kelly and I have always used our time in bed right before we fall asleep to connect on a level that we just can't during the day. It's our time to touch - to be as close to each other as we can be. We hold hands, put our heads and feet together. She warms up on me and I let her. We talk, giggle, dream or just lay together and enjoy the calm that comes from connecting with each other on an unspoken level. When all is "normal" we usually get about a half hour of time like this every day, and then we fall asleep holding each other. It's very, very important time.
I didn't notice the lack of this time when I was pregnant. Probably because I was pregnant, up every hour peeing and basically miserable. And I suspect that is where Kelly is now. She's probably not feeling the same loss that I am because she's busy doing some seriously difficult work. I said at the beginning of this pregnancy that I was excited to see the other side - the non-pregnant partner side. And Kelly told me that it was hard. I didn't believe her. Now I do.
I miss my wife. The stuff about us that makes us an us. We have so little of it right now, because by the time the day is done and Bailey is down, she is exhausted. She simply cannot give me what I am seeking, and the tiny little drops that she eeks out for me between her sickness and her exhaustion feel like insignificant drops in the bucket. I try to savor them and make it last until the next drop, but I end up just getting angry and frustrated. Of course, I'm not really angry and frustrated. I am lonely.
And yet, there is nothing to be done about it. This is where we are right now. Kelly is pregnant and has to be able to go through this pregnancy in whatever way gets her through it. I know about that. I know how hard it is. I also know that in a month or so, it will change again and she'll have a bit more energy. I'll look back on this post and feel bad that I ever felt so bad.
What's worse is that, in many ways, I don't feel like I should be having these feelings and that I certainly shouldn't express them. Kelly is taking on everything that I am feeling these days and blaming herself for any negative emotion I have. I've said a million times that the problem is not her. It's not. It's just where we are, but I can only experience what I am feeling. I can't lie to myself and say that I don't miss our intimacy. I would be a hell of a lot more upset if I didn't miss her. THAT would be a problem.
But I don't want for her to carry my shit. I don't want for her to feel bad. She is doing exactly what she needs to be doing. And I am doing what I need to do to get through this. She worries that I'm not excited about the baby, and I think it's because I'm experiencing difficulties right now. I don't know how to express that it has nothing to do with the baby. I AM excited. I can't wait. But our children are not the only things that make us a couple, and right now, the other parts of us are being overshadowed by this pregnancy.
I blame no one and I recognize that the only way through this is to go through it. I would not change anything. Well, maybe I would. I would change my own response to it. I wish that I could be light-hearted, easy going and chill about this. I wish I could see the bigger picture and not get so hung up on the details. I wish I could be a little less selfish and I wish I needed my wife a little less. It would make it all so much easier if I wasn't so...well...so "Mikki" about everything.
But I am who I am. I can't change that, and so I have to work through it in the only ways that I know how.
So, today it's raining outside which only makes my mood worse. I have to sit in an all day staff retreat and attempt to look engaged.
My consolation is that today is my day to pick up Bailey and I get to spend the evening with her. We love to cook dinner together for Mommy. Nothing makes me happier than having dinner ready for my love when she comes home, with a happy baby on my hip. I love the feeling of connectedness that brings, and so I will look forward to it all day. And then tonight, we will read our week-by-week pregnancy book. I will look forward to this private ritual and remember that today is just one day.
I've been sleeping in the guest room. Before you get all worried, nothing is wrong with Kelly and I. I snore, so when she wakes up (as she does every hour or so) she can't get back to sleep. So she wakes me up to get me to stop snoring. But I'm a heavy sleeper, so I may roll over and stop for 5 minutes, but then I start again. Usually just as she's starting to fall asleep, thus waking her up. We've always been shitty sleeping companions, but pregnancy has made these usually tolerable problems horrible. I slept in the guest room during my pregnancy and I'm doing it now during hers.
The problem, though, that comes from this is that Kelly and I have always used our time in bed right before we fall asleep to connect on a level that we just can't during the day. It's our time to touch - to be as close to each other as we can be. We hold hands, put our heads and feet together. She warms up on me and I let her. We talk, giggle, dream or just lay together and enjoy the calm that comes from connecting with each other on an unspoken level. When all is "normal" we usually get about a half hour of time like this every day, and then we fall asleep holding each other. It's very, very important time.
I didn't notice the lack of this time when I was pregnant. Probably because I was pregnant, up every hour peeing and basically miserable. And I suspect that is where Kelly is now. She's probably not feeling the same loss that I am because she's busy doing some seriously difficult work. I said at the beginning of this pregnancy that I was excited to see the other side - the non-pregnant partner side. And Kelly told me that it was hard. I didn't believe her. Now I do.
I miss my wife. The stuff about us that makes us an us. We have so little of it right now, because by the time the day is done and Bailey is down, she is exhausted. She simply cannot give me what I am seeking, and the tiny little drops that she eeks out for me between her sickness and her exhaustion feel like insignificant drops in the bucket. I try to savor them and make it last until the next drop, but I end up just getting angry and frustrated. Of course, I'm not really angry and frustrated. I am lonely.
And yet, there is nothing to be done about it. This is where we are right now. Kelly is pregnant and has to be able to go through this pregnancy in whatever way gets her through it. I know about that. I know how hard it is. I also know that in a month or so, it will change again and she'll have a bit more energy. I'll look back on this post and feel bad that I ever felt so bad.
What's worse is that, in many ways, I don't feel like I should be having these feelings and that I certainly shouldn't express them. Kelly is taking on everything that I am feeling these days and blaming herself for any negative emotion I have. I've said a million times that the problem is not her. It's not. It's just where we are, but I can only experience what I am feeling. I can't lie to myself and say that I don't miss our intimacy. I would be a hell of a lot more upset if I didn't miss her. THAT would be a problem.
But I don't want for her to carry my shit. I don't want for her to feel bad. She is doing exactly what she needs to be doing. And I am doing what I need to do to get through this. She worries that I'm not excited about the baby, and I think it's because I'm experiencing difficulties right now. I don't know how to express that it has nothing to do with the baby. I AM excited. I can't wait. But our children are not the only things that make us a couple, and right now, the other parts of us are being overshadowed by this pregnancy.
I blame no one and I recognize that the only way through this is to go through it. I would not change anything. Well, maybe I would. I would change my own response to it. I wish that I could be light-hearted, easy going and chill about this. I wish I could see the bigger picture and not get so hung up on the details. I wish I could be a little less selfish and I wish I needed my wife a little less. It would make it all so much easier if I wasn't so...well...so "Mikki" about everything.
But I am who I am. I can't change that, and so I have to work through it in the only ways that I know how.
So, today it's raining outside which only makes my mood worse. I have to sit in an all day staff retreat and attempt to look engaged.
My consolation is that today is my day to pick up Bailey and I get to spend the evening with her. We love to cook dinner together for Mommy. Nothing makes me happier than having dinner ready for my love when she comes home, with a happy baby on my hip. I love the feeling of connectedness that brings, and so I will look forward to it all day. And then tonight, we will read our week-by-week pregnancy book. I will look forward to this private ritual and remember that today is just one day.
8/27/2008
Another Political Rant
After listening to Hillary (this morning) and reading and listening to commentary on the speech, I can say that I will cast my ballot and I will cast it for Obama.
I have to say, though, that I am not happy. I am just not a fan. Perhaps I am cynical beyond repair. Perhaps I am not ballsy enough to have bought the "audacity of hope" bullshit. But folks, I do believe that everything out of that man's mouth is bullshit.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Change cannot, does not, and SHOULD NOT happen at the hands of one person. It should not happen quickly and it should not be undertaken because we are a nation that is in a frenzy of anger about the current environment. I get that everyone wants to believe that we've found our new Messiah. That we've found the guy who will take politics to a new level of respect and that we will all be able to focus on the objective and get the job done. I get that EVERYONE wants to believe that.
Here's the problem, though, folks.
#1 - not everyone has the same objective. There are many, many people out there who don't believe this war was a mistake. They don't think we should get out of it. They disagree with raising taxes to provide better health care, better schools, better highways. They are against civil liberties that I am for. They are against a women's right to choose. They believe that guns, in all forms, should be available. These people, and there are lots of them, are out there and they believe JUST AS STRONGLY in their positions as we believe in ours.
And, here's a thought...they are not wrong. They have the right and, in fact, the responsibility to believe what they feel is right and to fight for that. AND...they stand in the way of all this bullshit "change" theory that Obama is floating around. He can't just walk into office and disregard this HUGE group of voters and politicians. Even if he really believes he can. He will NOT succeed.
What's worse - he shouldn't succeed. How awful would this country be if we let one man (or even one party) decide what is best for all of us. Isn't that what we've all been bitching about for the last 8 years???
So, I'm not buying the "Yes we can" change shit. It's just that. It's shit. And if it actually does happen, I am going to be more pissed off than I will be when it doesn't happen.
#2 Problem - whether we like it or not, our system is bigger than a dream. Experience counts. If you don't believe that experience counts, just take a look at the last 8 years. We've had an inexperienced President before and look what has happened. I find it ironic, funny even, that so many Obama supports just gloss over the fact that he has very, very little national political experience and even less international political experience. Would you hire someone to run a college who had only spent 1 semester teaching freshman English? NO. Why not? Because they don't know to run a fucking college.
Same situation. It takes political savvy, support and EXPERIENCE to do a good job. Everyone seems to be bitching about entrenchment in the government...nothing like the "same old, same old" to piss everyone off. But come on, folks. Do you really want a novice running our country at such a crucial time? I don't.
With all this said, I'm voting for the man. Because I don't see any other option. I cannot, in good conscience, vote for McCain. While I think he is the more experienced candidate, and I believe he is more prepared to run the country, I can't vote Republican. On behalf of my wife, my daughter, our unborn child and myself, I will cast my vote for Obama.
But I don't think he can win. I think we're going to lose the White House. And my only hope in all of this is that when Hillary runs in 2012, we'll have snapped out of this stupid fucking rut that we've gotten ourselves into.
Audacity of hope you say? I've got none. The political system has failed me.
I have to say, though, that I am not happy. I am just not a fan. Perhaps I am cynical beyond repair. Perhaps I am not ballsy enough to have bought the "audacity of hope" bullshit. But folks, I do believe that everything out of that man's mouth is bullshit.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Change cannot, does not, and SHOULD NOT happen at the hands of one person. It should not happen quickly and it should not be undertaken because we are a nation that is in a frenzy of anger about the current environment. I get that everyone wants to believe that we've found our new Messiah. That we've found the guy who will take politics to a new level of respect and that we will all be able to focus on the objective and get the job done. I get that EVERYONE wants to believe that.
Here's the problem, though, folks.
#1 - not everyone has the same objective. There are many, many people out there who don't believe this war was a mistake. They don't think we should get out of it. They disagree with raising taxes to provide better health care, better schools, better highways. They are against civil liberties that I am for. They are against a women's right to choose. They believe that guns, in all forms, should be available. These people, and there are lots of them, are out there and they believe JUST AS STRONGLY in their positions as we believe in ours.
And, here's a thought...they are not wrong. They have the right and, in fact, the responsibility to believe what they feel is right and to fight for that. AND...they stand in the way of all this bullshit "change" theory that Obama is floating around. He can't just walk into office and disregard this HUGE group of voters and politicians. Even if he really believes he can. He will NOT succeed.
What's worse - he shouldn't succeed. How awful would this country be if we let one man (or even one party) decide what is best for all of us. Isn't that what we've all been bitching about for the last 8 years???
So, I'm not buying the "Yes we can" change shit. It's just that. It's shit. And if it actually does happen, I am going to be more pissed off than I will be when it doesn't happen.
#2 Problem - whether we like it or not, our system is bigger than a dream. Experience counts. If you don't believe that experience counts, just take a look at the last 8 years. We've had an inexperienced President before and look what has happened. I find it ironic, funny even, that so many Obama supports just gloss over the fact that he has very, very little national political experience and even less international political experience. Would you hire someone to run a college who had only spent 1 semester teaching freshman English? NO. Why not? Because they don't know to run a fucking college.
Same situation. It takes political savvy, support and EXPERIENCE to do a good job. Everyone seems to be bitching about entrenchment in the government...nothing like the "same old, same old" to piss everyone off. But come on, folks. Do you really want a novice running our country at such a crucial time? I don't.
With all this said, I'm voting for the man. Because I don't see any other option. I cannot, in good conscience, vote for McCain. While I think he is the more experienced candidate, and I believe he is more prepared to run the country, I can't vote Republican. On behalf of my wife, my daughter, our unborn child and myself, I will cast my vote for Obama.
But I don't think he can win. I think we're going to lose the White House. And my only hope in all of this is that when Hillary runs in 2012, we'll have snapped out of this stupid fucking rut that we've gotten ourselves into.
Audacity of hope you say? I've got none. The political system has failed me.
8/26/2008
Ellen Says it Best
Here is my quote for the day, from the calendar my lovely wife gets me every year at Christmas!
"'Normal' is getting dressed in clothes tha you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you ar still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."
Amen, sister.
"'Normal' is getting dressed in clothes tha you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you ar still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."
Amen, sister.
No Sleep and Progress
Things seem to be par for the course around here. Kelly is starting to move back up the hill of feeling better. She vomits only in the mornings, right after getting out of bed. The rest of the day she is okay. She still feels extremely nauseated if she forgets to take her Zofran, though, so we know that she is not in the clear yet. Her appetite is finally picking up, also. She can eat more and figuring out what to eat isn't such a chore. I wouldn't want to give the impression that we are completely through it, but we are definitely headed in that direction.
Her sweet, sweet little baby bump is becoming less of a "bump" and more of an obvious pregnant belly. This past weekend, Kelly finally gave in and we did the necessary shopping for some maternity shirts. Can I just say that I am extremely disappointed in maternity clothes. As a large woman, I had a hard time and shopping for Kelly was equally as difficult. See, they don't make gender-neutral maternity clothes. It's all girly, frilly, lacy and CRAPPY. All the shirts are low cut to show off cleavage. The sleeves are puffy. Yuck. Even I couldn't stand the options. We found some maternity button down oxfords on JCPenny.com....I'm hoping those will work. We did leave the store with one black suit, five shirts and a pair of gray pants. That's a good start.
We have a doctors appointment on Friday. We will get our slip for our 20 week ultrasound at this appointment. We will try to hold off and not go in until the end of September or first week of October. We are pretty anxious to get a view of this littler honey...we haven't had any pictures at all since the heartbeat confirmation at 7 weeks!!! Feels like we got more ultrasounds in the first pregnancy...
I got no sleep last night. Bailey has this thing where she will go a couple of nights without sleeping. Seriously, she woke up every 45 minutes last night, just wanting to be held and comforted. Of course, I did...her cry is so pitiful and despondent in the middle of the night. But lord, I'm tired today. Between 11 PM and 4 AM, I was up with her 7 times. *sigh*
Her sweet, sweet little baby bump is becoming less of a "bump" and more of an obvious pregnant belly. This past weekend, Kelly finally gave in and we did the necessary shopping for some maternity shirts. Can I just say that I am extremely disappointed in maternity clothes. As a large woman, I had a hard time and shopping for Kelly was equally as difficult. See, they don't make gender-neutral maternity clothes. It's all girly, frilly, lacy and CRAPPY. All the shirts are low cut to show off cleavage. The sleeves are puffy. Yuck. Even I couldn't stand the options. We found some maternity button down oxfords on JCPenny.com....I'm hoping those will work. We did leave the store with one black suit, five shirts and a pair of gray pants. That's a good start.
We have a doctors appointment on Friday. We will get our slip for our 20 week ultrasound at this appointment. We will try to hold off and not go in until the end of September or first week of October. We are pretty anxious to get a view of this littler honey...we haven't had any pictures at all since the heartbeat confirmation at 7 weeks!!! Feels like we got more ultrasounds in the first pregnancy...
I got no sleep last night. Bailey has this thing where she will go a couple of nights without sleeping. Seriously, she woke up every 45 minutes last night, just wanting to be held and comforted. Of course, I did...her cry is so pitiful and despondent in the middle of the night. But lord, I'm tired today. Between 11 PM and 4 AM, I was up with her 7 times. *sigh*
8/24/2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
