9/22/2009

Too Much

I think that I haven't been writing lately because I feel like one little tip of the scales could send this whole thing crashing into the sea.

I have always tried to be honest on this blog, but sometimes it's hard to admit the truth of things. Kelly and I are struggling so much in this parenting thing. The combination of ridiculous work commutes, children and absolutely no help has us down. Kelly is still recovering from pregnancy and post partum. She's still breastfeeding and pumping almost 20 ounces a day. She's exhausted and her hormones are not back to normal. I'm just starting a new job, which is good, but ads this whole new level of stress and anxiety.

Bailey and Kelly are struggling in their relationship right now. Bailey requires a very, very strong guide to keep her in line. She doesn't respond to subtly or calm. She responds to loud and demanding. She responds to someone who takes no shit and loves just as hard. In short, she responds to the extremes on either end, and Kelly is not extreme in any way. She runs in the middle. And so Bailey just rolls right over her, ignores her and generally makes her life miserable. I think I make it worse, because I try to make it easier on Kelly and so I take the brunt of caring for Bailey. But that just reinforces Bailey's behavior and undermines Kelly.

We can see the problem, but don't have the energy to fix it. It's just easier to conquer and divide - and so we end up with hers and hers children - rather than parenting both equally.

We really are struggling. I'd love to post all kinds of fun, cute little stories and pictures. Yes, of course, those wonderful moments exists. But they feel buried under trying to just make it through every day.

Meanwhile, Kelly and I have never been further away from each other. There just isn't time to maintain us. And while we keep trying to tie our boats together, it feels like we're just slipping apart. And again, we're powerless and lack any energy to fix it.

I keep telling myself that we'll get through this and it will get easier. But that feels like empty words to me. I feel like I'm staring down the black hole of another toddler and the three or four years it's going to take for this to be done feels like forever.

We're struggling. Can you tell?

9/21/2009

Our Vacation

So sorry I haven't been writing -we spent last week at the Outer Banks. Things have been super crazy, and I don't have much time to write. I will write the details later.

I am starting my new job today - as BD Coordinator for Latham. I'm excited and nervous and have a million irons in the fire. I hope that everyone doesn't stop reading...I promise, as I slow down a bit, I'll write more.


9/10/2009

Running Crazy

I'm busy, busy, busy at work. That's the long and short of it all and quite simply, I don't have time to talk.

But.

I did promise to try to be a better blogger.

These days, I'm just feeling overwhelmed. It used to be that once a year, right around the fall, I got this inexplicable urge to rattle the cage. Make changes. It always correlated really nicely with school starting. It was a change, a new challenge. Even if a week into classes, I was tired of them, the change always worked to pull me out of my funk.

After school, it was the holidays. The approaching fall meant time to plan for what is the best time of the year for me.

This year, nothing is working.

I am restless. Not restless in a bad way - not like I have been after the birth of my children. Restless - like I need to find a purpose. A passion. I am loath to admit that this is probably just another side effect of having young children and commuting and working and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I mean, how fucking boring is that? How uninspired and unoriginal.

I want something. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to find it. And I don't have time to search. I don't have money to buy new experiences.

But more than all of those "don'ts", I don't have time to feel restless.

Somethings gotta give.

9/04/2009

The Long Weekend

I'm so glad that today is Friday. Although, I have to admit that the weekends are more work these days than the weeks. Bailey requires lots from me right now, so the weekends are filled with her. BUT - it's a weekend, so that can't be too bad.

Tonight is pizza and beer night. I love Fridays.

I've been busy preparing a holiday calendar of events that will keep us occupied through October, November and December. I have attempted to find a series of things that are local to our home that help me feel more like a part of the community I live in. I'm trying.

Not much else going on. Connor is feeling better. Thank god.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

9/03/2009

Me and Blogging

Okay - I must admit, I've slacked off on blogging a bit since I became a woman of Facebook. The instant gratification, the ability to quick post updates - those things appeal to my senses. This blog has taken a bit of a back burner in the craziness of normal life, because, well...I spend more time writing here than I do there. And that takes more time. Which is something I don't have.

But last night Kelly wondered out loud if we would be able to memorialized Facebook in the same way that we will do this blog (it will eventually become a book for our children). And, of course, the answer is no. So, here I am today. Posting my entry. I'll try to do this every day...or at least every other day. For my kids. And for those of you who come reading every day!

Connor
Connor had a pretty scary incident happen on Tuesday night. He started fussing at around 9:30 at night - right as we were going to bed. I picked him up and snuggled and rocked him. While I was doing this, I noticed that his breathing sounded wierd. I'm not sure how else to describe it. It just sounded a bit off. I blew it off, thinking that he was sleeping or wimpering or whatever. After about 15 minutes of him drifting in and out of sleep and fussing some more, I decided to take his temperature and perhaps give him some Tylenol. He is still working on those teeth and teething pain has been known to keep him awake at night. I sent Kelly downstairs to get the Tylenol and then turned on the light to to the temp and diaper change. I noticed that he looked strange - faintly blue. Again, I kind of blew this off in my head. It was very low lighting, he was lying on a green blanket and wearing a baby blue sleeper. I just sort of assumed that the reflection of the colors around him coupled with him not feeling great was probably the cause. His temp was nothing - 99.5. Kelly came upstairs and the first thing she said was "does he look blueish to you?" Well, now that we had both had independant observations of this strange coloring, we got a little wierd. I decided to try to make him cry, with the thought that the screaming would get the blood flowing and the big gasps of air would fill his lungs with oxegyn. I pinched his upper thighs and rubbed his body vigorously. He responded a little bit, at one point screwing up his face like it was going to be a blood curdling scream. But, oddly, his face didn't get red. Around his eyes got red, but the rest of him stayed thier weird bluish tint. We started to wonder if we should call 911. Or should we go to the ER. Or should we do nothing and are we being paranoid? I called my Mom. Because, when in doubt, isn't that waht you do?? After describing the symptoms to her (and hearing myself say it all out loud) we decided to call the pediatrician's emergency number. I spoke with a nurse for about 30 minutes. She listened to his breathing. By this time, Connor was happily breast feeding and the breathing from his nose seemed fine. He was responding to stimulus normally. Kelly and I had moved away from panic and into just wondering what the hell happened. In the end, he was fine. He ended up sleeping on my chest for most of the night, because we were just weird about leaving him unattended. He woke up the next morning and seemed perfectly normal.

Of course, a couple of hours after being at daycare, Kelly got a call. Connor has pink eye in both eyes and the start of ear infections in both ears. Apparently, he's had this cold that was happening internally for the most part. He hasn't had a hugely runny nose or anything. But it's caused this pink eye and would have been the cause of two ear infections if we hadn't taken him in. Was this the cause of the weird blue incident? We don't know. But after a round of eye medicine and a dose of antibiotics for all the above, he seems to be feeling much better this morning.

Turns out that Connor's an illness-creeper. He doesn't just display the signs of not feeling well until he REALLY does not feel well. Bailey is the exact opposite. The littlest bit of discomfort is cause for meltdown city and a flat refusal to sleep. Connor can be sick and we don't even know it, and therefore we don't treat it, until it's gotten to the point of no return. He's subtle. It creeps up on us and then WHAM! We have a very sick boy.

Other than this illness, Connor is doing well. He's fully sitting up on his own and is using his ability to roll to get to places. He is working on the mechanics of crawling, but isn't there yet. His teeth have not popped through. It seems that, as with Bailey, his gums are very strong and it takes a lot of work (and time) for them to come through the gums. This is GREAT for his dental health in later years. And horrible for teething, because it's a long and painful process for all of us.

Bailey
There isn't much to report about Bailey. She is status quo right now. Well, I guess I could report that her not listening has taken an uptick in the last couple of days. She is pushing every single boundry that exists and is pushing back when we push her to behave. She is fully two, in every sense of that word. It's exhausting and facinating to watch all at the same time. I love her independance as much as I despise having to be the person who keeps her in line. I like watching her grow and I enjoy the good parts richly. It's the rough stuff that get me down. LOL - that must make me human. All told, she is perfection and horridness all wrapped up into one little-girl package. I am thankful that she is able to be herself and ho through her normal development stages without fear or hesitation. I take that to mean that we are doing something right.

Mikki, Kelly, Momma, Mommy, Us
I put us all together on purpose. We are fine - all sides of us are focused on this crazy thing called parenting and we are eeking out whatever little time for us that we can find. We are perpetually exhausted, but that makes us no different than any other parents of little kids. Vacation in about a week. We need it. We can't wait.