Nothing More Beautiful

I have never seen anything more beautiful than this photo. I love you, Kelly and Connor.

Welcome Connor!

Connor Patrick McFadden was born on February 23, 2009 at 7:20 PM. He weighed 8 Pounds, 1 Ounce at birth and is 19 inches long. He and his Mommy worked very, very hard in 29 hours of labor, with two hours of intense pushing...but in the end a c-section was needed to bring him into the world. We are all doing well. The birth story to follow...

Last Day of Work - 4 More Days

We had our doctor's appointment yesterday and all I can say is that Kelly and I walked out of there feeling very discouraged.

She has gone from 70% effacement to 80% effacement. She is still a "loose 1" centimeter dialated. The doctor tried very hard to get a second finger in and in the end said that it was such a "tight 2" that she still was going to record it as a loose 1. Connor has dropped a bit lower - recording at a -1 station. He's been here before, though.

So, all told, our week of every-night contractions really didn't net us much. Our doctor stripped Kelly's membranes again, leaving her in a near constant state of pain that started about two hours after we left the hospital and didn't stop through the night. She's almost constantly crampy, she's sore, she's discouraged and she just wants this to stop.

The only good news was that her bag of waters is "bulging". This doesn't mean much, but it is better than nothing. She really could go at any time - as soon as that water breaks, we're on. But that could just a likely not happen.

So cervidil is a must - we'll be admitted on Monday night. We probably won't sleep much Monday night, which is fantastic preparation for the pitocin that will start at 7 AM on Tuesday morning.

We went to bed last night discouraged, frustrated and very tired. Both of us are sort of lost in our own frustrations. Kelly really wanted me to stay home with her today, but I just can't do it. I need to give my job the respect that they are giving me - in other words, I can't take a day off unless I need to. Especially when it is the last day that I'll be in the office for eight weeks. I know that she was very frustrated when I left this morning, which left me feeling frustrated and guilty.

Our mothers arrive tomorrow. I am so looking forward to having the grandparents around. I'm tired. I'm weary through to my very core, and I need for something to lighten up, just for a few minutes. With the grandmothers around, at least I will be able to decrease my full focus on Bailey a bit and begin to give some attention to the other areas of my life. At least, until Tuesday. I don't know - it just feels like their arrival is bringing a cool, calming breath of fresh air.

So, we continue to wait and every pain that Kelly has, every contraction, every pulling, every "lightning bolt" through her vagina leaves her feeling more anxious and more discouraged.

I can't wait for Monday.

To Work Or Not...5 Days and Counting

For the first time in months, I slept in our bed last night. I've mentioned that I've been in the guest bedroom for a while, for two reasons. Kelly wakes up constantly and I snore...so when she tries to get back to sleep, it's nearly impossible. The other reason is that Bailey has been restless the last few months, so I keep the monitor and limit the number of times Kelly is woken up to her body, rather than a restless toddler.

But we're pulling closer in a way that can only indicate that labor is near. Kelly needed me last night to be near her, and I needed to be there. She had three or four very powerful contractions through the night, after another evening of false labor that stopped when she layed down. She woke up this morning to more contractions, lots of cramps and sharp, shooting pains. I hung around about a half hour longer than usual, because I'm worried about being so far away. I keep telling myself that I'm only a 45 minute drive home, and that if her water breaks or if she goes into real labor, I can get there quickly.

I'm not reassured, though.

Kelly's anxiety is going up as each new round of contractions get harder. She's having fears of the epidural not working or any one of the reasons why she may not be able to get one. She is counting on the relief. She has never wanted to birth vaginally without pain medication and her worst fear is that she won't have a choice. As her anxiety goes up, my need to protect her does to. There is nothing more difficult right now than knowing that my role is to support, but that I can't take it away. I can't carry her pain, her fear, her frustration. It's very hard.

So here I am at work, my mind completely numb to the job that is before me. I don't care about the prep for my leave. I don't care about anything that I have to do here. What I care about, and my entire focus, is at home having contractions that go nowhere. I know that she wishes I were there with her, but she also knows that I need to be here. There are relatively few provisions made for people who are not pregnant prior to delivery.

We have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Our regular Friday appointment was rescheduled. That will give us more information about what this past week of contractions has meant. For Kelly's sake, I hope that she has made progress. She has commented many times that she will be devestated if all of this has netted nothing. So we'll see. If Kelly continues to be in this much pain through tonight, I will not work tomorrow. I can't be this far away from her.

Even if I can't do anything to relieve the pain, having me close to her comforts her. Today, I will be wrapping up my job in preparation. Uggg. I wish I were home.

9 Days or 6 Days...

9 Days by the ticker...6 days (counting today) until we are admitted to the hospital and the induction begins. We're likely 7 days away from his birth.

We're tired and ready and excited. Kelly had another round of 2 1/2 hour contractions that were both painful and regular last night. Again, they stopped. This morning, she woke up crampy and having lots of BH contractions. If this shit is practice, her uterus is going to be the strongest uterus ever. Hell.

I'm back at work today and this is the last place I want to be. To make it worse, I forgot my cell phone at home. What kind of wife forgets her cell phone when her wife could go into labor at any point? Hell.

I'm ready to be done with this and have our baby. We're ready to move on and get to the business of raising two children.

Bailey is hanging in there, but showing the effects of having two very distracted mothers. It's hard to stay focused on her all the time. We are doing our best, and right now, that's just gotta be good enough.

Nothing New

I wish that I had more news, but I don't. We are still waiting. Kelly has had on and off contractions for days now - some powerful, some just the usual BH. Nothing that has stopped her in her tracks.

We had our usual round of testing yesterday and all is well. We had the final ultrasound before the induction. We may go this week, we may not. One thing is certain...next Monday we check into the hospital and we won't be leaving until we have our son!

I leave you with 37 and 38 week belly shots. We can't see much of a difference, but at this point, that is normal. She's big, though...measuring 40 weeks at her 38 week appointment. Here's to a healthy Connor!

37 Weeks

38 Weeks

12 Days...and Waiting

Friday's appointment went well. At the time, Kelly was a "loose one" centimeter dilated and 70% effaced. Our doctor stripped Kelly's membranes. We also scheduled our induction date. We will begin the induction process with cervidil on February 23 at 4:00 PM, with Pitocin following the next morning.

Since that time, Kelly has lost her mucus plug (on Saturday morning) and has been experiencing some irregular (and sometimes regular) contractions that are coupled with quite a bit of pain. While we both fully recognize that none of this means that we're in labor yet...it does seem like things are happening.

I am still thinking that we'll go into labor tomorrow. For a few minutes, I thought it would be tonight...but as soon as Kelly laid down, the contractions stopped. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe we'll go all week and need to be induced. We shall see.

For now, we will continue the light walking and occassional breat-pumping. We'll encourage it along as we can and see what happens.

15 Days

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

We both had an irritated night, which led to stupid argumenents and an eventually storming off by Kelly to our bedroom where she went to sleep. I retired for the night in the guest room. Not a great night.

But, we woke up this morning and both of us seemed determined to leave it in yesterday. Which makes it a good Thursday.

Tonight we read "Week 39" in our baby book. We read the week ahead because that is what will be happening.

Tomorrow is our 38 week check up and the day that we will scheduled our final induction date. We are both anxious to see what, if anything, the contractions have been doing to Kelly's cervix.

I have this feeling that we won't be pregnant on Monday. I've had it since yesterday morning. While I expected it to go away, it has not. Intuition or hope...I'm not sure. We'll see. It'll be nice to have a date.

Connor's "nursery" in our room is super, super cute. We have everything ready. We put his swing downstairs yesterday. Bailey pointedly ignored it. His car seat is ready. We have a couple of things to order and then, we're done. Bring him on!

Bailey knows something is up and is reacting strongly. She is very, very clingly to me and seeks me out if I am out of her sight for more than 10 minutes. She is reverting back a bit - begging for her "bobo" as soon as we walk through the door. Part of that is that she is nursing a low grade cold and not feeling great. But the other part of that is that she is sensing our anxiousness and anticipation. I'm sure she has figured out that big change is coming, even if she doesn't know what that big change is. More than ever, I am thankful that my job is giving me 8 weeks off. Bailey is going to need the attention and with two of us at home, we can divide and conquer in ways that we could not if I had to work.

So we wait.

16 Days

The countdown continues.

This morning I woke up feeling very anxious about the last remaining preparations. I bombarded Kelly the second she woke up with the things that need to get finished. The list is relatively short and doesn't include anything difficult. Here it is:
1) Wash and put together all the fabric covers (for the carseat, the swing, the bouncy chair)
2) Get batteries for all the things that play music or light up.
3) Get a couple more quilted pack n' play sheets.
4) Get a moby wrap.
5) Prep the guest room for our guests.
6) Install the second car seat base in my car.

See. Not much. And nothing that can't be accomplished in like 20 minutes. But still.

So on the way the work, I got to thinking about everything that I still need to do to prep for an 8 week leave at work. And that is when I realized that the stress I was feeling had everything to do with my work prep and really nothing to do with my home prep. We are ready for Connor to come home...but I'm not ready to leave work. There are all kinds of things still to do and I need to finalize my instruction sheet. Without an assistant, my coworker is going to be taking on a lot. I'm putting my "babies" in the hands of other people...and while I know that they are completely capable of making sure that my work gets done on time, I am still nervous. I take a lot of pride in having my job completed and in doing a damn-near-perfect job. I am really good at what I do. It's one of the areas in my life where I don't have to second guess myself. I've never gotten a review that wasn't perfect or very, very close to perfect. So handing things off is tough for me.

I didn't have this problem when I went on leave last time, because I didn't give a shit. I was 9 months pregnant and wanted to be all done. I was HAPPY that I didn't have to think about it for 3 months. This time around, I'm experiencing some serious stress about it.

But, I'll work through it and when I walk through the doors for the last time, I will refocus all of my energy on Kelly, Connor and Bailey. I know what is important.

But, I think I may need to throw my blackberry away while I'm on leave. I think it might be more stressful to have access to my work email. We'll see.

Speaking of work, my coworkers threw me a baby shower yesterday! It is our only baby shower this time around. Most people are kind of ambivalent about this baby. It's been a bit hard on us...there really hasn't been much recognition. I say this, not to make anyone feel bad, but to underscore how nice it was to have the shower yesterday. We got a ton of really cute little baby clothes and a beautiful basket to put diapers, wipes and other essentials in. It's perfect, because we were looking for something just like that!

On the topic of recognition - please don't think that we are unhappy with our family and friends. We're not. But, the thing is, while this is a second child...it is Kelly's first pregnancy. I know that we are unique...with a new baby following so closely behind the first, we don't need anything. And we're far away from our family and friends (most of them, anyway). But still. Kelly's kind of felt like she's been overlooked - as if it doesn't really matter that we're pregnant. Part of that is hormonal and part of that is that this is often how it is in our life. I put myself out there in a big way - through this blog and just through my normal life. I make people a part of my head, of my heart and what is important to me. Kelly sort of blends into the background in many ways, for most people. She isn't out there or as open as I am. It is easy to overlook her in the tornado that is me and Bailey. I understand that better than anyone.

But, she IS pregnant. And this is her first pregnancy. And it's very important to her, in ways that she can't express. To have it be overlooked has been tough on her.

I didn't mean to go off on that. I really didn't. And again, I don't mean for this to make any people or group of people feel bad. But it is the reality. I also don't need any excuses from people. I know everyone's situation and that is all good. We're not upset or angry or even hurt. It's just a reality, and we get that.

Enough of that.

We're inching closer. Friday will be the day that we set the induction date. Kelly had her first "painful" contraction last night. She's had lots and lots of contractions that feel like menstral cramps, some more uncomfortable than others. But nothing that she would classify as painful. Until last night. Just one. And it was very, very quick. It's the tale of things to come...

17 Days

Been a few days...but there isn't much new to add. Kelly's got another bios-scan today. We are anxiously awaiting news about the amount of fluid. If it's high, we'll likely be induced in the next couple of days.

We are holding steady...not much going on other than being pregnant and waiting for Connor.

I'll keep you posted.

21 Days

The Friday appointment went well...everything is right on track. Kelly's cervix is a "tight one" and soft. Connor is still at a -1 station. In other words...it's going to be a while.

Interestingly, her weekly sono showed a slightly elevated amount of amniotic fluid. Our doctor told us that this could be because of any number of things and that it really isn't a big deal. The "acceptable" scale tops out at 20 and Kelly's fluid measured 20.6...so right there. There is nothing for concern, but if the ultrasound finds that her fluid has increased on Tuesday, they will do the induction.

Increased fluid can be from something as simple as the baby just recently urinated, or it can be from something as horrible as Connor not being able to swallow. Of course, since this is the first time this has shown up as a potential "something to watch", it really isn't all that concerning. We'll see what is going on when we have the ultrasound on Tuesday.

Other than that, we continue to wait.

22 Days

Not much to say today. Not much has changed since yesterday. Still swamped at work, still waiting for Connor to be born, still the same pre-labor signs with nothing else.

Tomorrow is the internal check. That will hopefully give us some new information. If not, we're 2 weeks an a couple days away from induction.

Friday is going to kick my ass. Kelly's appointment in the morning, my annual exam with the same doctor right after, a physical with blood work at noon (I have to get a letter of good health from my family doctor for the adoption file), a standard get-more-meds meeting with my psychiatrist (have I mentioned that I'm on meds?...hmmm...may have forgotten to mention that), and then a trip to Children's Hospital to have the infant car seat installed in the Honda. We tried so hard to do it ourselves (we've done it now many times with Bailey's seat) but couldn't get it right. So off I go.

It'll be a full day...but at least I won't be at work.

I'll blog tomorrow night with news about the internal exam (hers, not mine...LOL!).

Happy Thursday.

23 Days...and No Time

23 days (18-19 really) and counting. I'm fucking slammed at work and it just keeps piling on. So far, I've not lost my mind, but I reserve the right to lose it any point. I can't wait for leave.

You know it's sad when you are praying for the birth of your child just to get a break from work.

Congrats to our good friends Irina and Anika! They now have a little baby boy, Gregory, born on February 2nd at around 8 PM. All three are doing well and he came in at 7 pounds and 20 inches long!

Connor, now it's your turn little guy!

The non-stress test and ultrasound yesterday were great. The technician told Kelly that Connor was "very, very low"...which is awesome! Kelly has had the pressure pains which she has been told are responses from the cervix doing its thing almost constantly. Anytime she stands up or walks, she has contractions (some with discomfort, some without) and the sharp shooting cervix pains. We really, really hope to get some good news about progress at our Friday check up. Keep your fingers crossed...we are ready for our son to be born!

So, back to the grind. I have looming deadlines and a limited time to get them complete. I hope to leave for my leave with nothing "undone". It's a futile effort, but being the dedicated employee that I am, I'll keep pushing toward that goal.

24 Days...and Pissy Moods

The countdown says 24 days...but with our promised induction if we go to 39 weeks, we are really only 19 or 20 days (depending on if they induce on 22nd or 23rd). That's not so bad. It still feels like forever, but I think we're hanging in there. Kelly is not sleeping very much these days. We'd like to talk to her body and explain that while she has never birthed a child, she already has one...so there is no need for the biological function of sleepless night before birth to prepare for the sleepless nights after birth.

Poor girl. She's tired. Very, very tired.

Bailey is doing well. Yesterday marked her first day in the 2-year old room full time. She has adjusted beautifully, but is struggling a bit with the set nap time. In the toddler room, they always went to bed right after lunch and then the kids slept as long as they wanted to. In her new room, they wake them up at 2:30 PM. Bailey doesn't like to be woken up, her teacher reports.

She had potty time 3 times yesterday at school. She is now wearing pull ups exclusively, except at bedtime. Since she is still in her crib and she can't open her door yet, the potty at night is still her diaper. She also sat on the potty twice at home last night. So far, she has never actually gone on the potty...but she is very happy to sit there. She is especially happy to be able to have a "paper towel" (her name for toilet paper) and be able to wipe herself. She gets very excited about this.

We have an Elmo Potty Time video that she is in love with. We have given in to the DVD Gods and let her watch some of her videos while we prepare dinner every night. On the flip side, she is eating better and we all eat together as a family...so that is a trade off, right? I digress.

She loves her Elmo Potty Time video and last night she decided that her Elmo needed to sit on the potty. It was very cute. She tells him what to do and then gets frustrated with him when he can't "sit up" on his own. I have to work hard not to laugh at her.

We've got low expectations for now. She is 21 months old. If she is potty trained by the time she is 27 months, we'll be happy. With the "peer pressure" at school, it will happen quickly.

We also got schooled by her new teacher. Apparently Bailey always spills her cup at lunch. They don't use sippy cups at school. We've been, admittedly, lazy regarding the cup. It's just been easier to not let her spill it. But we were scolded by her teacher and now it's time to suck it up and clean it up if it spills. Last night at dinner, she has a cup...and didn't spill.

The other thing that her teacher would like for her to stop using is her pacifier when she's sleeping. While I understand that this is probably the next step, we put our foot down about this. Bailey is going through a zillion changes right now - potty training, new room at daycare, and the biggest of all...and new brother. We are not taking away her bobo, which is a HUGE source of comfort to her, for a while. She only has it when she is falling asleep. I'm just not concerned yet. Maybe in another 6 months, we'll force the issue. But not now.

Yesterday also marked the first day of dance class for Bailey. There is a great instructor who comes into the daycare and does a class for the 2-year old room. Bailey's first day was yesterday. The instructor sent videos of the class and it seems that Bailey had a fantastic time. For $25 a class, she had better! It's so much money to be spending on a kid who isn't even 2 yet...but we decided that she loves dancing and music so much that we would let her. If she has a great time, we'll keep it up. If we can afford it.

One more thing about Bailey - she is a comedian. Last night, I needed to cut Bailey's finger nails. She hates this process and just cried and cried and threw a fit and then cried some more and then finally complied. While she was sitting there complying, she was sobbing and trying to pull her hands away. It took 20 minutes longer than it needed to. I was very patient, though...because she obviously didn't want it done. So when I finally finished, I stood her up and started the process of calming her down. I was sitting on the floor with her while she was crying and being a drama queen. I was quietly asking her what she needed. "Bailey, honey, calm down, use your words and tell me what you need." After about 3 minutes of this, she kind of stopped crying hysterically and then said in her best full-blown whine, "I need cake".

LOL - my response was to laugh and in my head I'm thinking, "Oh honey...don't we all."

So, initially I was going to write about my pissy mood. I've been in one since I woke up. But that story just made me laugh again, so maybe it's not such a bad day after all.

A Letter To Me

Mikki -

It's almost that time again, my dear. That time when the world stops moving as you know it, time warps into this weird place where it drips by during the night and moves at light speed during the day. You and Kelly are preparing to re-enter the fourth trimester...the most difficult of them all. So from your sane, not-so-sleep deprived brain, I have a few reminders for you.

1) Having a new baby is hard. Really, it's nothing but hard. Remember that.

2) Sleep deprevation is the oldest and greatest form of torture and you don't respond very well to it. Expect that this period of time is going to suck.

3) Remember that Bailey doesn't get this. She didn't ask to have a new baby brother and will be just as shocked by it all as you will. Be gentle when she stops sleeping.

4) Kelly is not the enemy and just because she is there does not justify taking out your frustration on her. She is your partner in this.

5) This time will be different. You don't know this child yet. Give yourself time to learn to love him.

6) Post partum depression will effect you again. Not quite sure how it will manifest, but be aware that you will likely not escape it again.

7) You are not super-woman. This time around, actually try to act like you're human. Pass the baby off when you need a break. Take a nap when it is offered. Stop trying to be everything to everyone.

8) Forgive yourself daily.

9) Call your mother often.

10) When you have the chance to hug Kelly without a child in your arms, do it. You've missed her. Show her that.

11) Fuck the little things like dishes and grocery shopping and healthy meals. Fuck vacuming. Fuck it all. Just get through this period of time.

12) Enjoy the moments when it is all perfect.

13) Celebrate the little victories.

14) Remember that what feels like a deep, dark hole is just exhaustion.

15) When you need to, put on your Ipod and rock out.

Finally, Mikki, remember that the world will start rotating again. It will. Time will become normal once more and you'll look back on the exhaustion and forget what it felt like. "Normal" will have a new meaning and now matter how lost you and Kelly get, you will find each other again.

It will all be different, but not bad. Just different. Go with it. Breathe. Relax a bit. Try to enjoy it and don't beat yourself up if you can't. No matter how awful you feel and how much of a failure you think you are, you are not. If you need proof, just look at Bailey.

And if all else fails, hang on by your fingernails and know that eventually, this will feel comfortable again at some point.