To Work Or Not...5 Days and Counting

For the first time in months, I slept in our bed last night. I've mentioned that I've been in the guest bedroom for a while, for two reasons. Kelly wakes up constantly and I snore...so when she tries to get back to sleep, it's nearly impossible. The other reason is that Bailey has been restless the last few months, so I keep the monitor and limit the number of times Kelly is woken up to her body, rather than a restless toddler.

But we're pulling closer in a way that can only indicate that labor is near. Kelly needed me last night to be near her, and I needed to be there. She had three or four very powerful contractions through the night, after another evening of false labor that stopped when she layed down. She woke up this morning to more contractions, lots of cramps and sharp, shooting pains. I hung around about a half hour longer than usual, because I'm worried about being so far away. I keep telling myself that I'm only a 45 minute drive home, and that if her water breaks or if she goes into real labor, I can get there quickly.

I'm not reassured, though.

Kelly's anxiety is going up as each new round of contractions get harder. She's having fears of the epidural not working or any one of the reasons why she may not be able to get one. She is counting on the relief. She has never wanted to birth vaginally without pain medication and her worst fear is that she won't have a choice. As her anxiety goes up, my need to protect her does to. There is nothing more difficult right now than knowing that my role is to support, but that I can't take it away. I can't carry her pain, her fear, her frustration. It's very hard.

So here I am at work, my mind completely numb to the job that is before me. I don't care about the prep for my leave. I don't care about anything that I have to do here. What I care about, and my entire focus, is at home having contractions that go nowhere. I know that she wishes I were there with her, but she also knows that I need to be here. There are relatively few provisions made for people who are not pregnant prior to delivery.

We have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Our regular Friday appointment was rescheduled. That will give us more information about what this past week of contractions has meant. For Kelly's sake, I hope that she has made progress. She has commented many times that she will be devestated if all of this has netted nothing. So we'll see. If Kelly continues to be in this much pain through tonight, I will not work tomorrow. I can't be this far away from her.

Even if I can't do anything to relieve the pain, having me close to her comforts her. Today, I will be wrapping up my job in preparation. Uggg. I wish I were home.