Shit Blogger

I know, I'm a bad blogger (I can almost see Andrea nodding her head in agreement right now). I could offer up the same old reasons, but I'll save you the wasted words.

Bailey is finally recovering from her latest round of illness. After a trip to the ER on Memorial Day night and then a follow up trip to her pediatrician on Tuesday, it was determined that Bailey had double ear infections, hand/food/mouth disease, a yeast infection and very swollen gums from teething. Poor girl! She was in lots of pain and was a complete mess. We never realized about the various ailments because she never had a fever and all her other symptoms were classic teething.

She is now recovering with the help of antibiotics and is finally herself again.

Everything else is status quo. I think that is why I don't write as often as I should. Not much changes when you have a baby. I mean, we do the same things each day. Her schedule is our schedule. We're up at 4 AM every morning and in bed by 8:30. We don't really watch TV, so I can't even talk about that.

Work is going fine for both of us. We are perpetually busy. I'm finally getting used to having my coworker out and have picked up her slack without too much trouble. I'm busier. And honestly, I've made some stupid mistakes. But my boss is incredibly understanding and hasn't had any problems. Reviews are next week and she's hinted that I'll get a great raise (in a down economy, I'm happy about that). So all is good. We're doing our thing.

The highlight of June for me is Pride. I'm super excited. I'm going to try to figure out a way to get out dancing at the girl parties. It may happen. It may not. Kelly probably won't join me. It's just not her thing and I don't want to force her to do what she isn't interested in doing. Then there is the issue of how to get back home. I guess I'll have to party without drinking. Which is fine. Or maybe not go. We'll see.

Anyway - some picture are below. Most of you have probably already seen them from the email, but maybe not! Enjoy in any event!

Mothering

I had a friend on MySpace write a blog about her mother and it got me thinking about my own. As with any mother-daughter relationship, Mom and I have struggled more with our relationship since I've gotten older.

At first, I wanted to blame her. She didn't give me enough, she wasn't present enough. She didn't call often enough. She wasn't interested in the person I've become. She hated me for leaving Maine and for settling away from her.

Once I worked through the initial stages of anger (which took a long time), I got to place of pure hurt. I still believed all of the above, but I wan't angry about it. I blamed myself. I found ways that didn't exist that I must be at fault. I manufactured my own human failings to explain what I thought must have caused her dislike of me.

And now, I'm in a different place. Over the past year, I've come to realize one very important fact. My mother never failed me and she never failed as a person. She simply, like every other parent in this world, couldn't live up to the idealized standard that I had set for her. As it turns out, my mother is human. She is not a super human. She doesn't have mystical powers to fix what is broken with me, she can't read my mind, she can't be everything to me that I might need in any given moment. More than that, she has human feelings. Perhaps she did feel hurt and a bit betrayed when I moved to DC and made my life here. Afterall, I am her daughter and my life happens for the most part outside of her daily life. That would make me sad. And maybe even angry. But because she is my mother, I didn't allow her to have those feelings and I certainly didn't validate them.

It's funny, this relationship thing. I think, in all ways, I expected that my mother would never be any different than the person that I thought she was. The thing is, though, is that we are often not fully ourselves with our children. I know that I am not my entire person with Bailey. She sees the parts of me that she needs to see and the parts of me that I can allow myself to be when I am parenting her. For instance - Bailey is not a part of my love affair with Kelly and she never will be. And yet, that is a huge, huge part of what defines me as a person. And when Bailey is older, I may make decisions that come from that part of me. And Bailey will probably not understand those decisions. Why would she? It's a part of me she doesn't know.

I think I'm rambling, and making my point badly.

I guess, what it all comes down to is that growing up for me, in the context of my relationship with my mother, has been hard. It is difficult, no matter how much understanding I try to inject in my thinking, to accept that I am not the center of my mother. Perhaps that is selfish, but it is also honest. And, I think, natural. I think it's a good thing that I was so attached to the woman who birthed and raised me. I think these are good struggles, and if I could remove myself emotionally from them, I would probably be quite pleased with what I'm seeing.

But I can't remove myself. There is still the part of me that wants to be the first factor in my mother's life. Even though I would be very, very angry if I actually was. Does that make sense?

I see now that mothering an adult is a nearly impossible task. I understand, in some ways, why so many mothers and daughters who had great relationships grow apart. The women that I know who have untouched relationships with their mothers are women who really didn't ever change the dynamic. Their mothers still live for them.

And while that sounds nice, it wouldn't be what I wanted for myself or my mother. I get so jealous sometimes when I'm talking to my coworker. Her mom lives five minutes away from her and is their childcare provider. She is there at every major event, for every major milestone and the two are, essentially, best friends. That sounds nice. Except then, I think about myself when I am mothering an adult. When Bailey is all grown up and living her life, I am not going to live my life for her. That is going to be my time to re-fire my love affair with Kelly, to travel, to be the Mikki that exists outside of Bailey.

And when I am honest with myself, that is all my own mother has done. She morphed into a person. A full person with a life, with dreams, with hopes, with love and with daily functions that are completely outside of her children. As a woman, I am proud of her. As her daughter, I am lost without her.

I'm not sure where it goes from here or even that there is a destination to be found. My mother and I will forever be entwined in each other's lives in whatever ways we choose to put each other there. We have history and a story and what the future brings, I cannot say.

What I do know, and can say for perhaps the first time in my adult life, is that at it's very core my relationship with my mother cannot be defined as a friendship. Our relationship cannot be changed in a way that makes it easier for us, because to do that would mean that I would lose the most essential part of how I define myself. When it comes to my mother, I am a daughter. I choose that relationship and that definition because to do any less would be dishonorable and dishonest to the woman I call my mother. And to the love that I have for her.

What's New?

In a word, nothing. Honestly, things are perpetually crazy in our life and chaotically wonderful.

We are looking forward to our long weekend. Not much doing except a birthday party for dear Danny on Monday. Maybe we'll BBQ. Maybe we'll have a picnic. Maybe we'll sit on the floor with our Bailey and let the house go to shit and the laundry remain undone. Not likely. But maybe.

I'm excited about Pride this year. My plan is to get us to march with the family contingent. I say "my plan" because I have not yet secured a "yes" from Kelly. I am unlikely to secure one until a couple of days before the event...LOL! But, we'll at least go to the parade.

I love being around all those gay people. I love the gay boys. I love all the butch dykes. I love being surrounded by people who love like me and who have families like mine. It makes me feel comfortable and at peace. Perhaps, it's because I know that I am always surrounded by people who are different than me. I don't know.

In someone else's life, Kelly and I would go out on Pride night to the dyke parties happening all over town. I'd get drunk, dance till I wanted to fall over and be surrounded by beautiful women. Then, I'd sleep late the next day and have a late brunch with my wife after a night of partying.

That's someone else's life, though. In reality, we'll take our very tired child home after the parade. She'll fall asleep in the car and that will be that!

Transition

Our baby is no longer a baby. It's official.

She is being transitioned into "Toddler 1" at daycare. This means that she will have a set napping schedule, she will nap on a cot rather than in a crib, she will have scheduled "outside time" on the playground, she will eat at a table, in a little chair with a fork and spoon. It also means that she'll have new teachers, a new room full of bunches of new toys and activities and her friends. Recently, all the kids her age are being moved - it'll be nice for her to be in a room of kids 12-24 months.

To that end, Kelly and I have begun talks of transitioning her at home into a toddler bed. And killing her use of the binky. As it is now, she only uses it when she is going to bed. She only has formula right before bed.

Within the next two months, she will be broken completely from the binky, will no longer drink formula and will have learned how to use a cup (no more sippy cups), and will either have been moved or will be close to moving into a toddler bed at home.

Dear god. That's a toddler.

Nana & Pappy!

This weekend, Nana and Pappy are coming from West Virginia to see Bailey (and us...LOL). It's going to be a fun weekend - and relaxing for us. It's always nice when there are extra hands in the house to entertain Bailey. Not that she is much work these days, but still...

And it'll be good for them to see each other!!!

Crazy How Big She's Getting!!!

It looks bad, but damn, the girl loves it!!!



Her latest trick...feeding herself. She just recently figured out the spoon.



The Doll House her Nana and Pappy got for her first birthday!

It's The Litte Things

My love is about the little things. If I had to, I couldn't pick the one quality that made me fall in love with Kelly. In all honesty, when I fell in love with her, I didn't know her. I believe that I have loved Kelly since the second I started breathing on this planet, and my only task was to wait the 18 years it took me to find her. But the things now that I love about her seem so small. And yet, when I add them up, they are the total of my heart.

It's the little things. It's the way that she smiles at me when I'm getting out of the car after work. It's the cold, clamminess of her hands at night as we're laying in bed and she's just put a ton of lotion on them. It's the way that no matter how many times she shaves her legs, they are never quite smooth. It's how when she's sick, the only thing that can comfort her is putting her head on my shoulder. It's how she sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night, frantic, thinking that we're going to roll over on Bailey even though she never shared our bed with us. It's the way that she looks fresh from the shower, with water on her eyelashes. It's watching her eyes go from sky blue to stormy gray and then back again. It's in the simple way that she touches me without thinking about it. The satisfied look in her eyes when we're all sitting at the table sharing dinner. It's the way that she checks her blackberry and always apologizes because she knows how much it annoys me. It's because of our last kiss of the day when we are both sleepy and the way her breath smells in the morning.

It's because I know all of these things about her and she knows them about me. It's in every good, bad, fantastic, horrible moment we've ever had.

I look at her every day and every day I fall in love again. Not because of any one thing, but because of all of them.

No, Not Me

I found myself thinking today about newly single people. I'm not sure why - for sure, my relationship is rock solid. But I was thinking about it.

It must be so strange. I mean, you've planned your life with someone. The road, for as long as you can see it, has this other person in it. You share responsibilities, obligations, history, stories. There is one person in the world that knows you as they know themselves - completely, deeply and without blinders. It's the person that you've whispered in the night with, shared dreams and fights and made love to. It's the person with whom you've laid your plans and whose hand you hold as you chase your dreams.

And then, they are not.

What a strange concept.

I guess, because I've never been in a situation where I fell out of love, I don't get it. I've never understood divorce for that reason. How do you just leave someone? I suppose that a divorced person would say that life becomes better when the inevitable finally happens. But that is hard for me to understand.

Anyway. Random thoughts from the one square inch of my brain that is not dedicated to being a mother.

Nuttin' Much

I would blog more if I had more to write about. I fear that I get tedious with my stories of commuting, cleaning, sleeping, grocery shopping, caring for our child, loving my wife, working and then getting up to do it all again. The details are boring. And not much changes, really.

But, we did have a wonderful Mother's Day. Bailey and I got Kelly a picture frame. One of those really dorky kinds that has sculpty clay. I rolled it out while she was eating and then cleaned her hands. The next few minutes of trying to get her to press her hand into the clay in any meaningful way were challenging. I ended up with a passable hand print, not quite centered on the clay, with some grime and cat hair thrown in for good luck. At this point, I began to work on the detailing- putting her name and date and some cutsey little message about how much Mommy is loved. Bailey picked that time to be "ALLLLLL DONE" with being in her high chair. When I didn't immediately react to pick her up and remove her from the high chair of hell, she began to scream. Loudly. Then she would pause. A few seconds later, more loud screaming. It took me a few minutes to get the messages written into the clay. They were sloppy and too thin to be seen from a distance. But, damn it, that picture frame went into the oven.

Can't say I didn't try! And Mommy seemed quite happy with it.

I got brunch at Mimi's - which is exactly what I was wanting. There is nothing like a warm coffee cake muffin and a monterey omlet with fresh avacado to make me a happy woman!

Karen spent some time with Bailey later in the day and Kelly and I actually got to spend a couple of hours alone. We went shopping. For Bailey. And then rushed back home to be with her, because honestly, we just plain missed her. She is our joy, our light, our center. And even much needed time alone seems to pale when she's not with us.

Guess that is how you know you've really transitioned into being a parent.

Happy Mother's Day everyone! Hope yours was a wonderful as ours!

1 Year Check Up

Her stats:

Her weight is 25.8 pounds (97th Percentile)
Her height is 33 inches (or 2 feet, 9 inches) (97th Percentile)
Her head is normal - exactly in the 50th percentile

She has 5 teeth that have popped through and one more that is so close they counted it as pooped through. She has two more on the bottom and then she'll start working on getting her molars.

She is a big child. Everything is proportionate, but she is the sized of an average 17 month old.

They did a development check, of course, and Bailey generally has advanced skills. Most of her development is on track for a child who is 24 months. That she feeds herself with a fork and is saying more than 10 words seemed especially surprising to them.

Of course, as proud as I am, we can't take much of the credit. Bailey is an adventurer and she's been learning a lot while exploring her world. Because of her size, she is often put with older children at daycare and that helps the development. She's also super curious and very busy. If she sees us doing something, she wants to do it.

She watched me very intently the other day as I was going to the bathroom. She watched me pull the toilet paper off the roll and wipe with it. A few minutes later, I found her pulling the toilet paper off the roll and trying to wipe with it. LOL - good baby steps towards potty training.

Another funny story. Last night, we had curry turkey. It's a good, rich, spicy curry and I absolutely love it. I gave Bailey a couple of bites. She freaked out!!! She couldn't get the spicyness off her tongue. She kept sticking it out and wiping at it, but it the spicy stayed. She hated it. I couldn't help but laugh at her. It was funny. What can I say? Kelly, of course, felt terrible and took care of the cuddling and cooling of the mouth with bits of watermelon and water. (Really, though, it was hysterical).

Back to the appointment.

She had three shots. One in her leg, and one in each arm. Man - the girl can cry when she is really upset. Honestly, it was very difficult. I hate to see her hurting, even if it is only for a second and for a very good cause. I've got a pretty high threshhold when it comes to dealing with Bailey's distress, but it got to me. I have to admit it. I struggled not to cry as I was pinning my freaking out child to my chest.

She curled up on my chest, all drawn up like she did when she was tiny, and let out big heaves and sighs when it was finished. On the way to daycare, she fell asleep.

All in all, the appointment was fine. I'm glad to know that she is healthy. They seemed pleased that she is weaned down to only 6 ounces of formula at night. They raved about her diet. They raved about her development and skills. It was a very parenting-affirming visit.

And I'm glad she's healthy. Did I mention that?

Blah

All is well. We're all doing fine. Busy as hell. Kelly in a conference all week and I'm doing both ends of the day care pick up. That's hard. I don't seem to have any time at work. And yet, here I am at work and I'm not working. Go figure.

Work is crazy. My coworker had her beautiful baby girl and for about 10 seconds I was jealous of her maternity leave. Then I remembered and now I'm not so jealous. Anyway.

Summer is coming. We spend most nights outside. Bailey loves the flowers that are growing. She points and touches and gets all excited. She tries to say flower, but it comes out all wrong. She's getting there. She sings now. "eieio". Very funny. And cute.

She's still an eating champion - her favorite is fruits and veggies. Right now, "white trees" are what she's loving (cauliflower) and carrots. And blackberries. She's also digging grapes, strawberries, brocolli and endamame. I love that she is a good eater. She refuses to eat spinach or kale. LOL.

She's in a love-bug stage. She likes to hug and snuggle a lot. This is her first real stage like this. She's far to "busy" all the time to spend much time loving. Lately she's wanted us much more than usual. It's sweet.

Not much else to tell. K and I are doing fine - being good wives to each other while we juggle everything else. We've got a rhythm and it's working.

One Year

It's amazing to think that it has been a year. A whole year that Bailey has been in our lives.

I wish I had words that could describe how wonderful this child is. I assume that every parent feels this way, and even sill, I can't begin to imagine anyone loving Bailey any more than we do. Bailey was born years and years ago, on the phone when we were first dating. We talked about having babies one day. We knew we would do it, the "when" was the only question. She was born when we first walked through the door of our home and decided to buy because we could see children running around the open floor plan. She was born over and over again as we laid beside each other in bed, talking, dreaming and hoping for the future. She has existed in our hearts, as a dream that we nurtured along and shaped our lives for.

And on that day that we found out we were pregnant, she was born into our lives and we are forever changed.

Bailey, someday you will read this and I hope you know how much you are loved. There are two people in this world would stop at nothing to see your happiness and your life become what you will someday dream it to be. We are your biggest champions and we will stand by you, no matter what, forever. You are our dream. Our love come true. You are the greatest gift I could ever give your Mommy and the greatest gift she has ever given me.

Happy Birthday to you, our love.