New Blog

I wrote on Christmas morning about a new initiative I have for 2010 to blog every day.  For some time I have also wanted to open my blog up to the public - not be so secretive about it.  We initially "went private" because we were posting a lot of personal information.  We were using our real names, posting picture of our children, details about things like when we'll be on vacation.  You know - stuff you don't want out on in the real world. 

So we went private and my blog got limited to those of you who took the initiative to actually ask or  and then sign up for a password and then to come check it every day.

Well, in the new year, I am going to begin a new blog.  I have linked it to this post and there will be a link to it on the sidebar soon.

I have chosen to call it "Our Little & Littler Honey Lite".   The point of it will be to document the lives of our children.  I have to say that I am going to do less soul searching there and more documentation.  Of course, my personality will come through, but the deep shit won't make it to that blog.  Hence...the "Lite".  In any event, this blog will remain open and I may post here from time to time.  Sometimes there are things I just need to get off my chest.  This site will remain password protected.


Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas 2010, everyone! What a beautiful thing it is to sit in front of a beautiful Christmas tree, loaded with gifts from Santa. I know that the kids are going to wake up soon and the insanity will ensue. Right now, I am loving the quiet, peaceful moments.

I am missing my family this year in a way that I haven't in years. I am craving the load craziness that we used to have - the joy, the noise, the people. I wish that I were surrounded, and that our children had the same kind of excitment that I had growing up. I can only do so much to create magic - sometimes other people are needed. I spent quite a bit of time yesterday crying - I'm not that there was any reason, except feeling lonely.

A conversation with Andrea helped pull me out my funk. Last night ended well, although early.

After an incredibly festive season, I am ready to put Christmas away this year and excited to think about how I will avoid these blues next year. We'll be with family - or family will be with us - in some way.

I have a new initiative for this coming year. My goal is to blog every morning, before the kids get up. I have missed blogging my life. I haven't made much time for it and I miss it. I like having the record. The other, more important reason, is that I want to keep a record of how our first year goes as a stay-at-home family. The good, the awesome...the difficult. All of it. I want to have a clear record, so that if lose sight, I have something to look back at.

So, that is my New Year's resolution. There is more, but I need to make a pumpkin pie before the family wakes up. I need to get it in the oven so that we are able to put the cinnamon rolls in the oven - as is our tradition - when everyone wakes up.

Merry Christmas, everyone!


For My Children

Bailey and Connor. My loves. You are the joy in my life...really the joy of my life. You are the reason for all I do, and everything happens with you at the front of my heart.

These last few months have been chaotic at best. We have all struggled a bit and the ground has felt shaky.

I have decided to leave my job and be your Momma exclusively. A part of me has struggled with this decision, because I do not want you to think less of me for not being a powerful business woman and your parent. I want you to see me as strong, capable and able. I am afraid, in some ways, of not making my own money and not having all the luxuries of working. I am a bit apprehensive about spending all day, every day defined as your parent and what that means for the woman who is not your parent.

But then, my loves, I look at you. And I realze that every moment I spend away from you is a moment of your life I miss. I look at you and I see the best definition of me that I have ever known. I feel your hugs and the way my body aches after carrying one or both of you for extended periods of time, and I know that there is nothing else I would rather do.

The losses in this decision are few, and carry no weight, when I am with you.

Sometimes I feel like I don't say enough how truly central you are to my life. I cannot imagine a world that did not include the two of you.

Connor, my beautiful son. You are everything I ever dreamed you would be. You love with such openness and the joy you find in the world has opened my heart to it's beauty. I love your nose crinkle when you smile and the way your tongue is always out of your mouth. I love how you crawl - with your head down, barreling forward. And I love how you stop in the middle of it, sit up and look around to make sure you are still on course. I hope that measured trait stays with you. I love how you grab and taste everything and your impish smile when you know you are doing something you shouldn't. Most of all, I love that perfect baby pout of yours and the way your face crumples when you don't get your way. You have moved into our family, with all the grace and beauty that is you. I simply adore you, son of mine.

And Bailey. God, I almost cannot find words. You are the daughter that I dreamed of. I know you from somewhere so deep and primal. You are spirited, joyful and fully engaged in the world. You usher me through every "first" in parenting, and flawed though I may be, your love for me remains pure. You are such a gift to me. You giggles, your pouts, your tears, your wonder - through you, I see the world and your life has defined my place in it. I only hope that I can give you a fraction of what you have already given me.

My loves, your Mommy and I are strong. I know that sometimes we fight and you see it. But trust in this: we are okay and we will be. Our love started long before you were born, and it endures as strongly as it ever was. I hope that you see in us what true love can be. I hope that when it is your turn to find love, that we are a model for you to use. I love your Mommy. Our lives are forever braided together, and no amount of daily stress can change that. We will be your parents, always. We will love you, and each other, without condition or fail.

My sweet babes, I love you. From the very tips of my toes to the depths of my soul. Always.

Your Momma


I Should Be Working

But not for long!!!! It's almost 10 PM at night - and I should be working. But I find myself so frustrated with work right now, and I am short-timing in a major way. The Christmas tree is sparkling at me and I am so distracted.

Life is good right now. I feel like I can breathe. There are still the normal conflicts - the daily shit that just drudges up when you have two people as different as Kelly and I trying to make a life together. But me - the inside me - is finally feeling a sense of calm and purpose.

January 6th is the new date. I am submitting my notice on December 21 - the Monday following the Friday when I get my year-end bonus. I am done January 6th - staying long enough into the new year to collect my 401K partner match for 2009 and to ensure that I have my medical and dental insurance until the end of January. But then, the work part of my life is done for now.

It's amazing - I feel like I've been chasing my tail for years with my career. First - I never really had a career. I had jobs that paid well (for the most part) and that provided me with insurance. In other words - I was a grown up. But my jobs never, ever felt like career paths to me. I mean, I don't want to work in a law firm my entire life. Honestly, I don't like lawyers that much (no offense to any lawyers out there). I've worked for big firms where the lawyers make a shitload of money and the staff make peanuts in comparision. I've shined - I've been a super hard worker and kicked ass. But I've never felt like I was doing something that I just HAD to do for the rest of my life. It was just always what I was doing at the time - nothing more.

And then I had kids and the job was just what I was doing because I needed the income. While I pregnant, my current job provided me with great health insurance and then a fully paid maternity leave. After Connor was born, this same job gave me 8 weeks to be with them. I mean, it's been awesome. And I've worked my ass off for them.

But now, I have a new focus. My entire gaze has turned inward to my family. The second I gave myself permission to let go of the image I held of myself as a big, powerful worker, my entire focus shifted. Which was my first sign that I had been focusing in the wrong place all along.

I know this for sure - for right now, this is the very best and most right choice. I belong with my children. They need me and I need them. My wife needs a wife. My home needs a full time caretaker. Our life as a family needs a shepard - a guide. We need the organization and the attention that comes from having an adult devoted to nothing more than making the 1000 piece puzzle that is raising children come together. And there is no person better suited to this than me.

I am bracing myself for the challenges, and I know there will be many. I have good friends who are around, who are stay at home Moms themselves, who I have been in close contact with. I am asking the tough questions and really listening to what people are telling me. Mostly, I'm listening to my gut. My gut tells me to take this slowly, to expect transitional issues from all four of us, to not create an image of how it's going to be and to be ready to be flexible.

I am as ready as I can be for this new phase in my life. I have no idea what comes next. I am leaving it in the hands of fate. For now, I am going to allow myself to stop worrying about the world at large and just let myself focus here - on my home, my family and myself.


Connor P

Connor had his surgery yesterday for tube insertion and ateniod removal. Mommy and Momma were worried, but all went well. We reported to Children's Hospital at 5:45 AM. Neither of us had slept much, we were short on caffine and hadn't really eaten. We registered quickly - having to do a bit of education about being a two woman family. Kelly was holding Connor and I was handling the paperwork. Well, the woman registering us was weirded out by that and wanted Kelly to sign. Connor was a bit freaked out, though, and prefers Kelly when he is in those moods. I wasn't about to take him and piss him off right before surgery. So I told her that, even though Kelly was the bio mom, I would be signing the paperwork. She then spent 5 minutes examining the adoption decree (which we had brought with us) to make sure that was going to be acceptable. In the end, it was fine and I didn't need to make a scene.

After registration, we waited. But not for long. They brought us back and had us change Connor into a gown. Seriously - they have little hospital gowns for tiny people! Sad and super cute. We got him changed, the nurses checked him out and cleared him for surgery. We waited in this crowded playroom for a while and then finally talked to the anesthesiologist. We asked if we could be in the room when Connor was put to sleep, but after checking they said no. In the end, I think that was for the best. Our nervousness would have made him more nervous. Then we spoke with our doctor's assistants. Then we waited. They finally came back to take Connor to surgery at 7:50 AM. We walked with him and then they took him from us. He didn't cry when he was taken...thank god.

The surgery took just about an hour. They had a monitor that told us when the surgery was complete. While we were waiting to be called back, the doctor's assistant came out and let us know that everything was fine. Connor did great. We were allowed back to recovery about 10 minutes later. Connor was groggy and in pain. They gave him a narcotic and it helped. They also gave him a Tylenol suppository and told us that he would be uncomfortable for the day, but would likely be back to himself by the next day.

The first few hours were a bit rough - he slept off and on, but when he was awake, he wasn't happy. By about 2:30, he seemed to be feeling better, though and was up and crawling and playing.

Kelly, on the other hand, got a massive migraine from the stress, lack of food, lack of caffine and very little sleep. Poor woman. After a short nap and some food, she was feeling a bit better.

We are home with Connor again today, but plan to finish up some Christmas shopping. It's gonna be a festive day!

All told, we are happy with the outcome. We hated our doctor - Dr. Zal Zal. He never did come to see us - before or after the surgery. It wasn't until we made a comment to the recovery nurse (who was amazing) that we hadn't seen the surgeon that he showed up. He walked into the recovery room, stayed for about 2 minutes, spouted off instructions we already had, and then left. If Connor ends up needing tubes again or his tonsils out, we'll go to a different doctor.

Well, we survived our first surgery...LOL!



Kelly was quick to point out that my last posy was wrong...LOL! Connor was only a couple of days away from being 9 months old when his tooth was cut...not 8 1/2 months. AND, we had not moved the crib to the lowest setting...it was moved to the middle setting.

But, since that post, it has gone down to the lowest. And Connor has gone from a tentative crawler to a full blown crawler! On Saturday, he just took off. He's a boy on the move!

His 9 month check up was yesterday. He weighed 21 pounds, 11 ounces. For the life of me, I can't remember his length, but I know he was very close to the 75th percentile. He's a big boy! He was also given the first of two H1N1 shots and a hep B vaccine. Then we had to get his blood drawn. He was cleared for surgery next week.

So, I think the time has come to let you all in on the newest plans. On December 31st, I am submitting my notice and staying home with our kids. I have always said that I never wanted to do this, but once again, fate called my bluff. Turns out that forgiving myself allowed me to see beyond my fear and my own perception of myself as an unfit parent. I want to be with my kids. My life revolves around my family. I am so tired of allowing the insanity of my job come before them. We worked it out financially, and on January 15, I start a new job. Probably the hardest one I've ever had! But I can't wait.

Kelly, with her characteristic risk management, has been hesitant. She agrees with all the "why's" but she worries about me. Which makes her a good wife. She's on board and together we will make this work.

I am excited, and feel like I have found the right solution for right now. No promises for the future - I'm not making plans. For now, I'm going to do this...later? Who knows...and frankly, who cares?


He Has a Tooth!

He's leaping through life again, friends...

Connor finally, finally, finally has his first tooth at just about 8 1/2 months.

And he's standing for periods of time on his own. Not long, of course, but getting there. We had to move the crib down to the lowest setting so that he would not fall out when he stands up in it.

God, it's going fast.