For My Children

Bailey and Connor. My loves. You are the joy in my life...really the joy of my life. You are the reason for all I do, and everything happens with you at the front of my heart.

These last few months have been chaotic at best. We have all struggled a bit and the ground has felt shaky.

I have decided to leave my job and be your Momma exclusively. A part of me has struggled with this decision, because I do not want you to think less of me for not being a powerful business woman and your parent. I want you to see me as strong, capable and able. I am afraid, in some ways, of not making my own money and not having all the luxuries of working. I am a bit apprehensive about spending all day, every day defined as your parent and what that means for the woman who is not your parent.

But then, my loves, I look at you. And I realze that every moment I spend away from you is a moment of your life I miss. I look at you and I see the best definition of me that I have ever known. I feel your hugs and the way my body aches after carrying one or both of you for extended periods of time, and I know that there is nothing else I would rather do.

The losses in this decision are few, and carry no weight, when I am with you.

Sometimes I feel like I don't say enough how truly central you are to my life. I cannot imagine a world that did not include the two of you.

Connor, my beautiful son. You are everything I ever dreamed you would be. You love with such openness and the joy you find in the world has opened my heart to it's beauty. I love your nose crinkle when you smile and the way your tongue is always out of your mouth. I love how you crawl - with your head down, barreling forward. And I love how you stop in the middle of it, sit up and look around to make sure you are still on course. I hope that measured trait stays with you. I love how you grab and taste everything and your impish smile when you know you are doing something you shouldn't. Most of all, I love that perfect baby pout of yours and the way your face crumples when you don't get your way. You have moved into our family, with all the grace and beauty that is you. I simply adore you, son of mine.

And Bailey. God, I almost cannot find words. You are the daughter that I dreamed of. I know you from somewhere so deep and primal. You are spirited, joyful and fully engaged in the world. You usher me through every "first" in parenting, and flawed though I may be, your love for me remains pure. You are such a gift to me. You giggles, your pouts, your tears, your wonder - through you, I see the world and your life has defined my place in it. I only hope that I can give you a fraction of what you have already given me.

My loves, your Mommy and I are strong. I know that sometimes we fight and you see it. But trust in this: we are okay and we will be. Our love started long before you were born, and it endures as strongly as it ever was. I hope that you see in us what true love can be. I hope that when it is your turn to find love, that we are a model for you to use. I love your Mommy. Our lives are forever braided together, and no amount of daily stress can change that. We will be your parents, always. We will love you, and each other, without condition or fail.

My sweet babes, I love you. From the very tips of my toes to the depths of my soul. Always.

Your Momma