I Should Be Working

But not for long!!!! It's almost 10 PM at night - and I should be working. But I find myself so frustrated with work right now, and I am short-timing in a major way. The Christmas tree is sparkling at me and I am so distracted.

Life is good right now. I feel like I can breathe. There are still the normal conflicts - the daily shit that just drudges up when you have two people as different as Kelly and I trying to make a life together. But me - the inside me - is finally feeling a sense of calm and purpose.

January 6th is the new date. I am submitting my notice on December 21 - the Monday following the Friday when I get my year-end bonus. I am done January 6th - staying long enough into the new year to collect my 401K partner match for 2009 and to ensure that I have my medical and dental insurance until the end of January. But then, the work part of my life is done for now.

It's amazing - I feel like I've been chasing my tail for years with my career. First - I never really had a career. I had jobs that paid well (for the most part) and that provided me with insurance. In other words - I was a grown up. But my jobs never, ever felt like career paths to me. I mean, I don't want to work in a law firm my entire life. Honestly, I don't like lawyers that much (no offense to any lawyers out there). I've worked for big firms where the lawyers make a shitload of money and the staff make peanuts in comparision. I've shined - I've been a super hard worker and kicked ass. But I've never felt like I was doing something that I just HAD to do for the rest of my life. It was just always what I was doing at the time - nothing more.

And then I had kids and the job was just what I was doing because I needed the income. While I pregnant, my current job provided me with great health insurance and then a fully paid maternity leave. After Connor was born, this same job gave me 8 weeks to be with them. I mean, it's been awesome. And I've worked my ass off for them.

But now, I have a new focus. My entire gaze has turned inward to my family. The second I gave myself permission to let go of the image I held of myself as a big, powerful worker, my entire focus shifted. Which was my first sign that I had been focusing in the wrong place all along.

I know this for sure - for right now, this is the very best and most right choice. I belong with my children. They need me and I need them. My wife needs a wife. My home needs a full time caretaker. Our life as a family needs a shepard - a guide. We need the organization and the attention that comes from having an adult devoted to nothing more than making the 1000 piece puzzle that is raising children come together. And there is no person better suited to this than me.

I am bracing myself for the challenges, and I know there will be many. I have good friends who are around, who are stay at home Moms themselves, who I have been in close contact with. I am asking the tough questions and really listening to what people are telling me. Mostly, I'm listening to my gut. My gut tells me to take this slowly, to expect transitional issues from all four of us, to not create an image of how it's going to be and to be ready to be flexible.

I am as ready as I can be for this new phase in my life. I have no idea what comes next. I am leaving it in the hands of fate. For now, I am going to allow myself to stop worrying about the world at large and just let myself focus here - on my home, my family and myself.