First Timester - DONE!

That's right. Now that we are fully 13 weeks pregnant, we are finished with our first trimester. We are looking forward to this next trimester tremendously! Kelly will hopefully start feeling better and start getting bigger. Also, this will be the trimester of the holidays! LOL - can you tell I'm excited??

In any event, rather than do a weekly post about development, I'm going to post the full events of the second trimester. This is pretty cool...

Fetal development: What happens during the second trimester?
Fetal development takes on new meaning in the second trimester. Your baby will begin to look like a newborn — and may even be able to hear you! As your pregnancy progresses, your baby may begin to seem more real. You may hear the heartbeat at your prenatal appointments, and your enlarging abdomen may force your favorite jeans to the back of the closet.

While you're adjusting to the changes in your body, fetal development takes on new meaning. Two months ago, your baby was simply a cluster of cells. Now he or she has functioning organs, nerves and muscles. You may be amazed by how much your baby changes from week to week.

Week 13: Baby flexes and kicks (incidently, we're already finished with this...according to the Mayo Clinic, your 13th week is the first week of your second trimester. We actually feel like the 13th week is the last week of the 1st trimester...but what do we know??)
You can't feel it yet, but your baby can move in a jerky fashion — flexing the arms and kicking the legs. This week, your baby might even be able to put a thumb in his or her mouth.
Your baby's eyelids are fused together to protect his or her developing eyes. Tissue that will become bone is developing around your baby's head and within the arms and legs. Tiny ribs may soon appear.

Week 14: Hormones gear up
The effect of hormones becomes apparent this week. For boys, the prostate gland is developing. For girls, the ovaries move from the abdomen into the pelvis.
Meconium — which will become your baby's first bowel movement after birth — is made in your baby's intestinal tract. By the end of the week, the roof of your baby's mouth will be completely formed.

Week 15: Skin begins to form
Your baby's skin starts out nearly transparent. Eyebrows and scalp hair may make an appearance. For babies destined to have dark hair, the hair follicles will begin producing pigment. The bone and marrow that make up your baby's skeletal system are continuing to develop this week. Your baby's eyes and ears now have a baby-like appearance, and the ears have almost reached their final position.

Week 16: Facial expressions are possible
Sixteen weeks into your pregnancy, your baby is between 4 and 5 inches long and weighs a bit less than 3 ounces. He or she can now make a fist. Your baby's eyes are becoming sensitive to light. More developed facial muscles may lead to various expressions, such as squinting and frowning. Your baby may have frequent bouts of hiccups as well. For girls, millions of eggs are forming in the ovaries.

Week 17: Fat accumulates
Fat stores begin to develop under your baby's skin this week. The fat will provide energy and help keep your baby warm after birth.

Week 18: Baby begins to hear
As the nerve endings from your baby's brain "hook up" to the ears, your baby may hear your heart beating, your stomach rumbling or blood moving through the umbilical cord. He or she may even be startled by loud noises. Your baby can swallow this week, too.

Week 19: Lanugo covers baby's skin
Your baby's delicate skin is now protected with a pasty white coating called vernix. Under the vernix, a fine, down-like hair called lanugo covers your baby's body.
Your baby's kidneys are already producing urine. The urine is excreted into the amniotic sac, which surrounds and protects your baby. As your baby's hearing continues to improve, he or she may pick up your voice in conversations — although it's probably hard to hear clearly through the amniotic fluid and protective paste covering your baby's ears. Thanks to the millions of motor neurons developing in the brain, your baby can make reflexive muscle movements. If you haven't felt movement yet, you will soon.

Week 20: The halfway point
Halfway into your pregnancy, your baby is about 6 inches long and weighs about 9 ounces — a little over half a pound. You've probably begun to feel your baby's movements.
Under the protection of the vernix, your baby's skin is thickening and developing layers. Your baby now has thin eyebrows, hair on the scalp and well-developed limbs.

Week 21: Nourishment evolves
Although the placenta provides nearly all of your baby's nourishment, your baby will begin to absorb small amounts of sugar from swallowed amniotic fluid. This week, your baby's bone marrow starts making blood cells — a job done by the liver and spleen until this point.

Week 22: Taste buds develop
This week, your baby weighs in at about 1 pound.
Taste buds are starting to form on your baby's tongue, and your baby's brain and nerve endings can process the sensation of touch. Your baby may experiment by feeling his or her face or anything else within reach. For boys, the testes begin to descend from the abdomen this week. For girls, the uterus and ovaries are in place — complete with a lifetime supply of eggs.

Week 23: Lungs prepare for life outside the womb
Your baby's lungs are beginning to produce surfactant, the substance that allows the air sacs in the lungs to inflate — and keeps them from collapsing and sticking together when they deflate. "Practice" breathing moves amniotic fluid in and out of your baby's lungs.
Your baby will begin to look more like a newborn as the skin becomes less transparent and fat production kicks into high gear.

Week 24: Sense of balance develops
By now, your baby weighs about 1 1/2 pounds. Footprints and fingerprints are forming.
Thanks to a fully developed inner ear, which controls balance, your baby may have a sense of whether he or she is upside-down or right side up in the womb. You may notice a regular sleeping and waking cycle. With intensive medical care, babies born at 24 weeks have more than a 50 percent chance of survival. Complications are frequent and serious, however, such as bleeding in the brain and impaired vision.

Week 25: Exploration continues
Your baby's hands are now fully developed, although the nerve connections to the hands have a long way to go. Exploring the structures inside your uterus may become baby's prime entertainment.

Week 26: Eyes remain closed
Your baby weighs between 1 1/2 and 2 pounds. The eyebrows and eyelashes are well formed, and the hair on your baby's head is longer and more plentiful. Although your baby's eyes are fully developed, they may not open for another two weeks.

Week 27: Second trimester ends
This week marks the end of the second trimester. Your baby's lungs, liver and immune system are continuing to mature — and he or she has been growing like a weed. At 27 weeks, your baby's length will have tripled or even quadrupled from the 12-week mark.
If your baby is born this week, the chance of survival is at least 85 percent. However, serious complications are still possible.

Flowing Happiness

This morning virtually flowed with happiness for me. Bailey was a in a great mood, Kelly (although more sick than she has been in a while) was in a good mood and I was in a fabulous mood. Lots of giggles happened at breakfast, lots of kissing happened before breakfast and a general good mood followed us until we parted ways at work.

Ahhhh, how I love mornings like this.

The weather has me feeling like a million bucks. It's been relatively cool (80-85) with little humidity. In the morning the air is crisp and as soon as the sun goes down, the crispness comes back. It makes me think of crisp apples, orange pumkins, the smell of fall and the onslaught of Christmas stuff in the store.

God, I come alive when it starts to trend towards fall. This is, hands down, my favorite time of the year. I get, literally, breathless with excitement when I think about a few short years from now when Bailey will be getting ready for school. I found myself daydreaming this morning about having to hold myself back in Staples while Bailey reads through her supplies list and makes her selections. This was my absolute favorite thing about the end of summer when I was in school. After our massive clothes/supplies trip that we would make every year, I would come home and organize all my clothes and supplies. Happily creating piles and ordering by subject. I would repack my bookbag a million times before the start of school. God, I loved it. And I am going to get to go through it all over again over and over as our children get ready for school. No doubt, Bailey will love it as much as I did. She's like that. She has already picked up on so many of the things that we like - order, tidiness. Perhaps she won't have the same level of compulsion that I did...but I bet she will. LOL!

Anyway. Today is a good day. A really good day and my mind is thinking about fall and Christmas and cool weather and trips to see family for the holidays. Happiness.

Love for Littler Honey

Kelly and I had a conversation last night about lonliness and what it means to be lonely when you're in a relationship as close as ours. She shared with me that she's been feeling a bit lonely lately because I've been so remote. I pretty much said the exact same words.

It was strange hearing that from my partner. Not because I deny it, but because in my remoteness, I hadn't stopped to consider that she was probably feeling the same way that I have been lately.

One of the thing that that she said was that she feels like everything is so disconnected from this baby. This was another revelation to me, because in my heart everything that we are doing right now is for this baby. Every bit of work, every ounce of struggle is to bring this life into the world and make him or her part of our family. In the aggregate, it's all for the baby.

But I realized as I listened to her that the aggregate is not what counts most of the time. Ever notice that? Your heart, your soul, your life can be exactly where you want it to be and yet you still feel unhappy, because in the moment, it's the little things that we look for to find our comfort and stability. There can be no doubt that I love this growing child - Kelly would never deny that - or that we will bond when he or she is born as much as I have bonded with Bailey. These things are known and are not questioned.

But in the moment, I am often doing something other than rubbing Kelly's belly, talking to or about the new baby, focusing in the moment. There seems to be very little outward excitement about having a second child. I cannot deny that I have found it very difficult to verbalize my joy and anticipation. I have felt overwhelmed in ways that I have never felt overwhelmed before, these last couple of months. Kelly blames herself for this, but it's not Kelly. It's not the work that has come out of Kelly being so sick. It's me. It's how I cope, how I get through.

I could list the reasons - I know them all by heart. But that ignores, again, the moment and focuses on the aggregate. The mood that has been hanging over the McFadden house the last few months has been one of frantic energy, trying to keep the details from falling out from under us, leaving little time for joy or reflection on this new addition we are bringing to our family.

I am writing this down because for me, the first step in recognizing what has become a near-toxic mix is to shine a bright light on it. I can see now, after listening to my beautiful wife, that I need to slow down. Not so much for me, but for her and for our Littler Honey and for Bailey. My energy needs to focus inward, into our family and the details be damned.

For those of you know me, you know how hard this is. I take great comfort in a clean house, an orderly schedule and predictability. The task, to let go of some of that to make room for my family, is a large one for me. But I love my wife, my daughter and our growing baby more than I love order, cleanliness or predictability. Kelly and I make a fantastic team, but only when we are working together. And we stop working together as soon as we begin to get lost in the details. Our relationship demands attention, and after a period of time where we do not give each other the attention we need, we begin to fail from the inside out.

I will not let that happen. Not now. Not when she needs me to be an emotional part of this pregnancy and not just the glue that holds our life together. I have to trust that the world will not crumble if the dishes are not done every day. I have to trust that I will not crumble if my perfectly ordered life takes on a bit of disorder. These are things I will discover.

What I know is that my wife needs me. And I will not fail her. It's time to show outwardly, all the joy and love that I have been experiencing internally.

Random Tidbits

There is this guy in my office who is a complete asshole. You know the type...I'm sure everyone (even those without offices) have them around at some point in their day. He's a short, little man...even shorter than me. He struts around, with his chest all puffed out, looking all important. He never smiles. Never returns my cheerful good mornings. Never even looks at me really. I'm staff and he's AN ATTORNEY. I imagine he thinks of his title a bit like that. I usually chuckle silently to myself after he passes, thinking that he probably suffers from short dick syndrome. LOL.

In any event, I've written this guy off as bad job a long time ago. And then, this morning as I was standing in line at Starbucks, I watched him come in with his wife. And I saw a man transformed. His eyes crinkled. He couldn't keep the smile from blossoming on his face every time he looked at the woman he loved. She was the same way. She was focused completely on him and he on her. They kissed a couple of times and it was with such obvious passion that it almost felt obscene. Almost...except that it was loving and not sexual. I happen to know that they have young twins (I saw them once in the elevator with their girls...and he was just as pompous then). I know how much work it is to raise children, and so I was as impressed by their ability to hang on to that kind of love for each other amist the craziness of baby-raising.

In that one moment, this pompous asshole became a human being and I realized yet again how many layers there truly are to every one of us. It was a good reminder.

As for vacation planning, Miss. Andrea, it's what I do. I enjoy discovering places that I'll be going at some point! We'll decide as a family where we truly want to go, but I like to have references all over the country (and the world) of what is possible. That's all. And it kills the bored hours at work when I am refusing to work.

Bailey has discoved bubbles. We've played with them before, and she enjoys herself, but she's never sought them out. Until last night. She ran over to the place where the bubbles are kept and stood under them pointing and calling out "Momma" "Bubbles" over and over again. I have no idea where she learned that they were called bubbles. We haven't played with them frequently. It was cute. Both the asking and then watching her chase bubbles, get over-excited and then squeal. Cute, cute, cute.

Speaking of cute - when you ask Bailey if she is sleepy, she squints her eyes up, then takes her finger and pokes it near her eyes, usually pulling down her eyelid. If she is not sleepy, she just shakes her head no. We find it incredibly convenient that she tells us when she is sleepy. Not that we don't already know from her behavior, but it is easier knowing that she knows she's tired. And it's super cute watching her tell on herself. LOL!

We're in language development stage right now. I have no idea where she learns the words that she learns. I have even less idea how she understands everything. There is a lot that she doesn't say, but when you talk about it she obviously knows what it is. For instance, she won't (can't?) say open or closed yet, but she sure does know what open and closed means. Yesterday, she was helping me make dinner and I asked her to get me two pots. She opened the drawer where the pots were and picked up two pots and handed them to me. She seemed undecided and then grabbed the third small pot. I told her that I only needed two, so she put the small pot back in. As she was stepping back, she reached back in. I thought that she was going to take another pot out, so I started to correct her. Instead, she adjusted the pot so that it was back in its proper location within the drawer, perfectly straightened out and even. Then she closed the drawer. How funny it is to see Bailey imitate me. I'm compulsive about my kitchen. She's obviously witnessed that. So the next chore was to get the ravioli out of the fridge. She was able to follow those instructions, but didn't know what the ravioli was until I pointed it out to her. Apparently ravioli isn't in her vocabulary yet. We opened it and I asked her to throw away the plastic cover. I asked her to "put it in the garbage". She seemed confused. Didn't know what "garbage" meant. So then I asked her to "throw it away". She knew exactly what that meant and did it.

Watching this process was enlightening. Obviously, we say "throw it away" more than we refer to the garbage. Which makes sense. We usually talk about taking the garbage out when she is in bed. She doesn't hear that very often.

It also drove home a very important point. None of these things have been directly taught to her. She's learning through observation and her own listening skills.

The point. Time to stop swearing. Like now. Right now. Right this second. Another "fuck" should never cross my lips when she is around. Obviously, I'll fail at that...but seriously, this is the time when she could open up her cute little mouth and reveal the true nature of MY potty mouth.

As for Littler Honey, all is well. I will not say out loud that Kelly is feeling better because that my jinx the very minor trend we are seeing. She is still vomitting every morning and she is still quite nauseated most of the time. But her energy is picking back up. Actually, it's not. Her energy is declining (in direct proportion to the growth spurt the baby is going through). But she seems more alive - more together. Less consumed by trying to make it through each minute.

But I'm not saying that out loud.

A couple of days ago, we recieved the gift that I had purchased for Kelly. I got her a pair of Uggs slippers. LOL - these things cost $100 bucks. I was thinking they better have built in hands to massage her feet. But I had a gift card from my boss, so I got them. With the other $100 I bought some baby clothes. Some very cute, very expensive baby clothes that we never would have gotten if we hadn't had a gift card. And lord, they are CUTE! They are gender neutral, of course. Three onsies, a little pant outfit and hat, bib and booties. They all match each other. The are my favorite sage, olive and unbleached cotton colors. While I stood there looking at them, I got excited again. I keep having these moments. It so different for me, this time, not being the birth mother. I don't have that child in my uterus, reminding me every day of what is happening and what is coming. I also don't have the kind of time I had before Bailey was born. In some ways I feel like a bad mother and partner because I'm not falling all over myself with anticipatory excitement. But the thing is, I am excited. I find myself rolling the world "children" around in my mouth and mind four or five times a day. I've had a couple of dreams that include a black-haired boy with curly hair. My whole heart is focused on this child and bringing this child to us. But the reality is that our new baby will share the spotlight with Bailey in a way that Bailey never had to. My heart is shared now, not captivated by one soul. So it's different. In no way less meaningful. But different.

I guess this has gotten long enough. The term "tidbits" doesn't apply anymore. Perhaps I should rename this post "Random Novel". Back to non-work.

Work

I'm going through a complete disconnect from work right now. I'm not sure why it's happening this time around, but it's happened before.

I'm not unhappy or anything with my job. But the priority that I place on my job always comes behind Bailey, Kelly, Home, Me (in that order). Right now so much of what me and Kelly do is about one of the first four things...and that leaves work shit out of luck.

Lucky for me, my coworker on maternity leave returned and my work load has been cut in half. It still hasn't picked back up, but it will. As soon as we shake out the who-does-what stuff again, my projects will get more intense.

But for this week, I'm kind of on a vacation-while-at-work. I'm doing what I have to and trying to appear busy. After all, who will REALLY know if what I'm doing is planning our 2010 family vacation or finding preschools for my daughter?

I don't even feel guilty.

Too Soon?

I've always been an advance planner. Nobody who knows me would deny that...and I would even admit that at time, I am an advanced planner to a fault.

With that said, I have begun the process of finding a suitable preschool for Bailey when she turns two. I have no issues with the facility that Bailey is in right now. She loves it and they love her. But, it is not a preschool. It is glorified babysitting. Which is fine right now. She doesn't need structured learning...any schedule at all pretty much counts at this stage. But when she turns two, and is moved into a bigger room with a higher child/teacher ratio, it is much more important that the activities be structured and focused on learning. What we do not want is for her to be one of a pack of kids that are just running crazy without an appropriate learning environment.

This morning, I think I found what I am looking for. It's a child care facility - ages 8 weeks-12 years that has a pre-preschool program in their two-year old rooms. 3-4 year olds have a MD state certified preschool program and the five year olds have a certified kindergarten program. What is most important is that the teachers are actually teachers - they all have certifications in early-childhood education. Of course, not every staff member that interacts with the children are certified, but the classroom teacher is. And she is the one who sets the curriculum.

We have to factor in Bailey's birthday when thinking about this stuff. Bailey will turn five on May 2nd, 2012. This means that she will be pretty young when she starts kindergarten in August of that year. We want for her to be prepared and ready to go into a classroom and we think the best way to do that is by having her in a preschool (rather than childcare) environment.

The facility is only 9 miles from our house, so it won't present a huge logistical nightmare. The "problem" though is going to be having two children in two different centers. We would really like for our new child to be with Ms. Delta and Ms. Susan at our current facility. With that said, I am open to exploring thier infant options, as it would be much, much easier to have them both in one facility.

The biggest seller of this program for me is that in their parent handbook, they showed a picture of a lesbian couple with a child. Perhaps it is just for show, but it's important to me.

We'll tour the facility and if we like it, get on the waiting list. I'm not opposed to transferring Bailey whenever a spot opens. Assuming, of course, that we like the facility and what we see when we take our tour.

Have You Ever

Have you ever just stood still in the middle of your swarming life, listened to the sounds, allowed the emotions of your thoughts and feeling to crash over you and felt every one of them in excrutiating detail?

I just had one of those moments. I was sitting in the cafe here at work, eating my Lean Cuisine and reading my book. For no reason at all, I set my book down and staring at the mac and cheese in my meal, had one of those moments.

In the 30 seconds that it lasted, I felt more joy, love, calm and ecstacy than I have ever felt.

This is my life. This is my wife. This is my daughter. That child growing in my wife's uterus is mine. Those are my cats. That is my house, with my sunny yellow kitchen that my wife painted just for me. This is my ring, laced with the promise of forever. This is the soul of my life, the meaning, the purpose. This is my calling. I am right where I am supposed to be. This is my definition of love.

They Survived

It turns out that my wife and my daughter can, in fact, survive without me for two days.

I am back from Austin, no worse for the wear. The wedding was beautiful, the reception was a rockin' good time with lots of drinking and dancing. Matt's wife is a wonderful, wonderful woman and her family is fantastic. Matt and Aarica are happily celebrating their honeymoon in Mexico right now. My dress was fine, the dress I had to buy quickly for a surprise dinner the night before the wedding was fine. My heels created the expected monster-sized blisters on my baby toes. I saw a "killer wasp" killing and then eating a tarantula. I drank a lot.

It was a good weekend. And Kelly and Bailey survived just fine without me (although, I can say that I think they were both delighted to find me home again!). I never realized that leaving would be so hard when there is a little girl (and a big girl) waiting for me and wanting me back with them. Leaving sucked. Being gone sucked. But it worked out, and in the end, I'm glad I went.

We are 12 1/2 weeks pregnant. Kelly may or may not be starting to feel better. I refuse to say anything right now, because the relief this weekend may have been a fluke. We'll see.

I was thinking that I can't believe we are few short days away from our second trimester. WHAT??? Where did the time go??? With Bailey, it felt like every single day dripped by and each new week couldn't move quickly enough. Now, we're nearly done the first 1/3 of this pregnancy, we find out our baby's gender in 6 weeks or so and it seems like it all just started. It's amazing.

I saw a tiny baby in Austin this weekend and I experienced a surge of joy that soon, we will have another one of those little loves in our arms. I absolutely cannot wait! I am so happy that we'll be able to have a tiny infant one more time. Having seen how quickly they grow up, I am grateful that we get one more shot at the tiny-baby phase. Seeing the tiny, scrunchy little bundle this weekend brought it all home.

In other news...last night I was smothering Bailey (go figure). I was saying, "Honey, can I have a kiss?" She pushed me away, backed up, pointed to her book and said "wanna read a book". It was clear as day. Seriously, this girl is talking up a storm and putting words together in ways that blow my mind. And what she understands is beyond my comprehension. When did she learn all of this? She answers questions appropriately. For instance, if I ask her if she wants another bite, she'll say no. If I ask her if she wants water, she'll either nod and reach for the water or point to the fridge and say "milk". Sometimes she says no. She tells us she wants to "eat eat" when she's hungry. Every morning while she is getting dressed she says "where is pitter". She loves the cats. When she loses something she holds up her hands and says "where is it?" She'll cry and ask for her "bobo" when she wants her binky.

It gives me incredible joy and pride to know that she is learning to communicate. Honestly, it makes life so much easier. Rather than trying a million things until the one is finally found, we just let her tell us what she wants. It's so much easier.

The other thing is that Bailey has officially outgrown many of her clothes. She has moved out of 2T and is into 3T. We need to go shopping for her soon, because she's got very little to wear. We just went out and bought her a new pair of shoes...size 6 Nikes. Size 6?!? When did she get so big???

They grow up so fast. So fast it's almost blurry.

Water & Guilt

Kelly isn't drinking enough fluid. She has not reached the official dehydration state, but she is getting there. There are two distinct problems. The first is that during the day, she is bloated as all hell. Drinking anything makes her belly feel heavy and puts a lot of pressure on it. Which in turns makes her feel very, very sick. At night, she is afraid to drink a bunch of water because the couple of times that she has done it, she's been up all night peeing. And getting up rapidly in the middle of the night makes her sick. And not getting enough sleep makes her sick.

She's up shit creek without a paddle. And without any shit, either...but that is an entire other story and Kelly has not approved me discussing her bowels and the lack of movement coming from them. Oopps...did I just talk about it???

Water needs to happen, though. She knows it. I know it. If not, she'll be taking water intravenously from a drip in the hospital. I can't imagine that will make her feel any better.

Kelly mentioned last night that she feels badly for all the things that I'm doing for her, for Bailey and for the rest of our life right now. She feels badly, but at the same time she doesn't have the energy to give a shit. She admitted to being self-centered right now.

Not that she needed to admit that. I didn't need an explanation.

Here is the thing. I have a whole new understanding for non-birth partners. Be them male or female, the job of taking care of a pregnant woman and all the rest of life that continues is difficult at best. It's impossible at its worst. I also have developed the utmost contempt for non-birth partners who don't care for their pregnant woman the way that I am caring for Kelly. The idea that a woman would have to suffer through what Kelly is suffering through with the full back up support of another person discusts me. You can bet that I'll have some heated conversation with useless partners that cross my path for the rest of my life.

But that wasn't the point. The point is that I don't need for Kelly to apologize or even acknowledge what I am coping with. The thing is, we are both pregnant. Kelly's entire job right now is to care for, carrying and grow our child. Because of the intensity of this process for her, it's all she can manage to do...and it's the only thing that can be expected of her. You can't just walk away from being pregnant. Kelly never gets a break. Never. She's pregnant every minute, of every day without fail.

And I am too. I am carrying a different load, but it is one that is no less important or meaningful. Without me, Kelly would not be able to do what she is doing with any level of comfort or joy. Her life would be impossible. My contribution right now is not to our child, but to our child's birth mother. And it is a contribution that allows her to continue in this pregnacy. I know that. I don't need her to apologize for what she sees as extra work on my part.

We chose to be pregnant together. While I didn't know what that meant from this perspective, I would certainly never shirk my duties to my wife and our child now. And that is that.

So, Kelly. Stop apologizing. Your job right now is Our Littler Honey. What you have left, give to Bailey. You do not owe me any apology and you certainly should not be feeling badly because I can physically do what you cannot right now. You take care of our child and I'll take care of you. Deal?

And just for the record - I don't feel guilty that you are going through this and I am not. I didn't want to carry another child, and we knew full well that you could have this happen (given your family history). I don't feel guilty that it did. But I do have the expectation of myself that I will work just as hard as you are right now and make things just as easy as I can for you right now. What I am doing is done out of love for you, nothing more and nothing less.

Holding Pattern

We are still here, still existing. Kelly is still sick and we're working through it (mostly minute by minute). We're praying for the moment that this part is finished.

I'm leaving for Austin in two days. Kelly is worried sick about me being gone and having Bailey. Her Mom and Dale will be coming down to help, but Kelly is still worried. I'm the rock right now...and even though she knows that things will be fine, she worries about having me so far away.

I must say that it makes me feel vital and needed to have her worried about me being gone for two days. Every day seems like a bit of a struggle, but under all of this is the reality that Kelly and I do actually still need one another. Marriage, in so many ways, becomes a choice that we make every day after a while. I like that I can look into her beautiful blue eyes and know that I am still essential to her. It's an unspoken "I love you".

In any event, I don't want to leave, but I do want to go to my brother's wedding. I'm torn between excitement and sadness about leaving my girls. I'm ready for the break, and yet, I'd give it up if I thought that would be the right decision.

So I'll go. I'll get on that plane, fly away and maybe relax a bit. I'll wear a pretty dress and drink with grown ups and maybe do a bit of dancing. I'll spend time with my mother and my brother and my sister-in-law and my neices and nephew.

And then I'll fly back home, where my heart will be waiting for me and where I know I'll always belong.

NOT 200

If you'll glance above, you'll see that our lovely ticker for Our Littler Honey has changed from a number in the 200's to a number in the 100's! Now...I know this means very little...but it's a step closer!!!! It makes me happy, in any event.

This morning, I got on the bus and sat down. A kind woman tapped me on the shoulder and informed me that my shirt was on inside out. I told her thank you, thinking to myself "Silly Momma, sleep is for wimps."

I've gotten to the point where I cannot successfully dress myself. Lord.

Bad Olympian

Okay, so we all know I'm not an Olympian...but I do seem to be the only person on the face of the planet who isn't watching the Olympics and who really doesn't care about what is happening. I certainly don't begrudge anyone their enthusiasm, and I feel bad that I don't have more of it myself.

Perhaps it's because we're so damn tired? Being pregnant, the parents of Bailey and trying to maintain our own relationship has left us burning the candle at both ends with a lot of exhaustion to show for it.

Kelly is still sick. She's now progressed to vomitting multiple times a day. We're going to try a new drug - something other than the Reglan that she was given at her last appointment. Maybe that will help. We've both set our sights on Week 15, when we hope that this will have mostly gone away. Time is the best healer in this situation, but boy, we wish it would happen more quickly.

In any event, we're hanging in there. I enjoy listening to people talk about the Olympics and the few minutes I catch here and there make me pretty happy too. For this year, that is enough.

The First Belly Shot

Finally! Hopefully these will be posted on Fridays from now on...

Here is our baby bump at 11 weeks, 2 days pregnant!

Isn't she cute???

11 Weeks Pregnant

Well, we are officially 11 weeks pregnant...only 29 more weeks to go. There isn't much to say except that being 11 weeks pregnant sucks for every single member of the McFadden family (with Kelly in the lead for dealing with suckiness). In any event, we've made it this far. Here's what's going to happen in week 12.

Kelly's still not prepared to begin sharing her belly, although it's super cute! For now, you'll just have to take my word for it...she's definately showing!

Week 12:

By now, nearly all of your baby's organs, structures and systems are fully formed. Your baby's heart begins pumping several quarts of blood through your baby's body every day. While your baby's brain is not the same size it will be at birth, it does have the same structure. Your baby's fingers and toes have separated and his hair and nails continue to grow. Your baby is approximately 2.5 - 3.5 inches and weighs about 12 - 14 grams.

Also, the external genitals can now show definite signs of male and female sex, however it will probably still be impossible to tell by ultrasound whether you are having a boy or a girl. Where there was only reflex movement before, your baby now moves spontaneously and at random, but he is still too small for you to feel him. With the use of a doppler, you might be able to hear your baby's heart beat at your next doctor's office visit. It will sound very fast and will sound similar to that of running horse. Once you hear this sound, you can rest assured that your risk of miscarrage is greatly reduced.

I'm A Shit

Kelly's puking in the shower, Bailey in bed with a 102.9 temp and I have to leave them to go to work. I feel like the worst mother and wife in the world right now, and no amount of logic is going to help that. God, I wish we were closer to Maine or West Virginia.

I HATE Not Having Family

Bailey's being sent home from daycare with a temp of 102. We can't bring her in tomorrow. We both have to work tommorrow. God, I hate these fucking days when we REALLY need help and don't have anyone around that we can just dump her on.

Bailey's 15 Month Checkup

Bailey had her 15 month checkup this morning. All is well - she's finally going through that weight loss thing that everyone said would happen when she started walking. Well, she started walking 5 months ago and never lost any weight. But now...she's 27.1 pounds and 31.5 inches long. Everything is good - she's at or above (mostly above) all her developmental milestones. She got two shots...she didn't like that...but quickly recovered to her usual sunny self. She has one shot at her 18 month check up and then NO MORE until she's 4 years old. Perfect! Just in time for us to have another baby...LOL!

Kelly vomitted again this morning. We'll be fully 11 weeks pregnant tomorrow, so we're hoping (praying??) that things will begin to start to even out. We hold out very little hope...right now, we just trod through the days and wait for this part to end. Kelly's feeling shitty. She's emotionally overwhelmed by the sickness, and while she is holding herself together, it's wearing on both of us. We are a bit snippy with each other and we're both feeling a bit like we've got the worse end of the deal. It's funny how couples often turn inward with thier shit and start slinging it at each other when the chips are down. We try not to - we actively try to avoid it - but we're human. We both get up each day and start a new day and let the old day go. It's the best we can do right now.

Bailey's got a cold with a slight fever. Nothing more than that, but it's made her pretty clingy and needy. She's super-sweet, but even super-sweet gets old when what she's wanting is to never be out of someone's arms. And that someone is usually me. But okay. It's all good.

This crazyness is our life and we wouldn't change it. We might change the sickness if we could, though...LOL!

Could It Get Any Worse?

So, we thought that we might hit a break through in Kelly's sickness around 10 weeks, but we were wrong. It has gotten worse. In the last 6 days, Kelly has thrown up in the morning twice. Both times, she was spewing oatmeal in the shower right after waking up. Mind you, this is on two different kinds of anti-spew drugs.

The timing is right - HCG peaks in your system at around 10 weeks, holds steady for 2-3 weeks and then begins to decline around 13 weeks. It's the decline in HCG that will make this horrible sickness go away.

The science of it doesn't help. Kelly feels awful and is emotionally and physically exhausted from dealing with it day in and day out. She wants it over with, needs a break and can't wait to start feeling better. I'm with her. But it's easier for me. Honestly. No matter how hard it may be for me, it's harder for her. I know that.

Bailey slept like shit last night, which means I did too. She's got a cold and some minor allergies. The three nights before last night, she was taking Tylenol Cold before bed to help clear the congestion so that she could sleep. We didn't give her any last night, because her nose has cleared up mostly. But without the included antihistamine, she didn't sleep well. From 10:30 - 2:30, she was up 5 times. At 2:30, I finally held her for long enough that she fell into a deep sleep in my arms (I fell asleep in her room, holding her) and when I put her down she stayed asleep until 6:15. Of course, I got up at 4:45. I'm exhausted.

National Night Out was last night and we hosted. It was a wonderful experience. I am reminded every time we hang out with our neighbors how much I love our community. They are good people. They are planning an end-of-summer BBQ (not AT ALL planned by me)...and then Kelly and I are going to host a holiday party the first week of December. We had a great time.

Time

Not surprising, time has slowed way down for Kelly but seems to be moving at light speed for me. I can't believe we're already 10 1/2 weeks pregnant...and Kelly can't believe we are only 10 1/2 weeks pregnant. Funny how time does that.

Kelly's belly is a constant source of interest for both of us...again, probably not surprising. I love the little pop. I love how you can feel her uterus more in the morning - I'm assuming the baby shifts to the front as she sleeps mostly on her belly, with a slight lift to keep the pressure off. She is spending more time touching her tummy where the baby is - I remember doing that too. Even though we can't feel him or her yet, this child is very present for Kelly. For me too...but differently.

My brother is getting married for the second time in two weeks. I'll be flying to Austin for a whirlwind couple of days. It's got me thinking about love. I'll have more to post on this topic...but right now I've got to run to a conference call. Duty calls.

Pictures and Bobo

I know I promised a picture of Kelly belly...but she is being shy. Actually, the problem is that her normally flat tummy is not so flat right now...and yet it's not baby. It's bloat. Her uterus can be felt about an inch above her pubic hair line, but that doesn't account for her tummy. It pops right out - sometimes further than other times...but it's not baby. And she's shy about that, I think. She hasn't said "I'm shy"...but she did say that she didn't want to take a picture of bloat.

So for now, dear friends, the bloat is all mine to stare at, rub, talk to, kiss and generally make an ass of myself over. I love her bloat. I also love the little bit of her uterus that we can feel. I love that she is growing our child and I love that I am able to watch this happen. Her body is so different already...and it will only change more. I love every second of it.

We'll start posting pictures when Kelly's ready to share.

Bailey has changed the name of her Binky. This is the first time that she has taken something we've created (in this case a name) and changed it to fit her own thoughts. She calls her "binky" her "bobo". And, as we have always said we would, we have changed our name for it as well. After all - it is hers to change if she wants to.

She also uses Mommy and Momma interchangably. We are both Mommy and Momma depending on what name she is currently using. Doesn't matter who she's looking at and there is very little distinction between us.

Kelly and I still call each other Mommy and Momma, until such time as Bailey picks names for us and sticks to them. Then, we'll follow suit.

Bailey and I had another lovely adventure in the pool this weekend. She's really starting to love the water. Which is great...cause I love it too and when the kids are old enough, we'll be spending much of our summer the local pools. Slathered head to toe in SPF 50...but at the pool...

10 Weeks Pregnant

And so it begins. Kelly and I will begin to document the stages of our pregnancy for you. I will start taking pictures at the end of the day on Thursday nights of Kelly's little belly. We switch weeks on Friday morning. As of this morning, we are fully 10 weeks pregnant, beginning our 11th week. The weeks displayed will be for the coming week - meaning the week below is Week 11. We do this so that we have some idea of what is happening during that particular week of development.

There is no belly shot today...but I will add one to this post this evening (after I've gotten a belly shot), so check back!

WEEK 11

Your babies organ systems are now all fully functioning and he has a skeleton, nerves and blood circulation. Your baby has tiny feet that are fully formed and shaped and could stand on an adult's fingernail. Because the most critical part of baby's development is now over, most birth defects will have already set in you baby's body. The remainder of the pregnancy for your baby will be about rapid growth, organ maturation and getting ready for delivery. Your baby is actually growing so quickly now that he will start out this week being approximately 21 - 25 mm or 0.85 - 1.0 inches and by the end of the week will have doubled that and be approximately 44 - 51 mm or 1.75 - 2.0 inches and weight approximately 7 grams! Your baby's head is still about 1/2 of his body length, and will remain this way for a while. The baby's eyelids are fused now and the irises are developing. Your baby will also begin to get baby teeth, fingernails, toenails and hair follicles this week.

Wrong Impression

I may have given the wrong impression yesterday - Kelly and I are not struggling. At all. I was only voicing my thought that it's hard sometimes to have to work through relationship bumps when you're so busy doing other stuff. The point, and I made it badly, was that I can understand why and how so many relationship fail after a child is brought in.

In any event, we are not struggling at all. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Having my wife pregnant has reminded me a million times over why I love her so much. Kelly is not often "weak" in a visible sort of way. I know her better than anyone, so I know that she is actually a huge, huge softie under her exterior. But for the most part, what she presents to the world is that of a pretty tough chick, with a rational logical mind driving her decisions. She doesn't often waver in her decisions and rarely second-guesses herself. Or at least, that is what the world sees.

But this pregnancy has reduced Kelly to a much more obvious vaulnerable state. She cannot hide that she feels like shit or that the most basic tasks make her exhausted and naseated. She can't pretend to feel normal. She can't ignore the hormones that race through her. She just can't.

Seeing her in this way makes me love her more than I ever thought possible. I feel very protective of her. If someone were to make her cry, they would not be happy with the outcome. I feel like it is my job, my duty, my responsibility to carry as much of the burden as I can while she works through this.

And while I may sometimes bitch about the strain of that on my shoulders, I wouldn't change it for a second. This is my wife. I love her.

Negotiation

Seems like my life is a constant series of negotiating potential catastrophes. From the small (avoiding the cat vomit in a mostly dark house at 4 AM) to the huge (dealing with the major gut issues in my relationship that never seem to resolve themselves).

Some other days, it feels like my life is a series of leaps into pockets of joy, and all the rest of the shit of life is just that. Shit that really doesn't affect the pockets of happiness.

Today, I'm sort of in between. There is some stuff going on with me and Kelly - nothing bad, nothing relationship-altering, but stuff. It used to feel so easy all the time to negotiate our relationship. All we really had to consider is ourselves and ourselves in relationship to each other. If we needed more time together, we bought a bottle of wine, rented a movie and had the time. If we needed space, one of us took off for an afternoon. If we wanted to play, we played. If we wanted to have sex, we had it. The common denominator here is that we were able to negotiate our relationship in an instant-gratification kind of way. See a problem (or potential problem), come up with an idea of how to fix or prevent the problem. take action. It was quite simple in retrospect.

It's all different now. Most of the time potential problems are not even spotted, because we are too busy trying to keep our head above water. The occasional time that we spot a problem before it actually becomes a problem is often met with casual indifference. It's not an immediate concern, you see, and there are always a million other things to do. And when the problems actually creep up, when there becomes something that we need to negotiate, we both go into the conversation already exhausted, already fed-up, and even resentful that there is yet another fucking thing we have to deal with. Even the simple things can produce the most frustrating conversations.

I point no fingers. Kelly and I are equal victims and perpetrators of this. Sometimes the issues are heavier for me, sometimes they are heavier for her. The common truth seems to be that we both loath having to deal with any issues at all. And to expect a relationship to be perfect, when it gets next to no maintenance is just foolish.

Like I said at the beginning, Kelly and I are not having problems and our relationship is no at all in peril. But there are moments when you realize that what you've been pushing off until the next day (in this case, basic relationship maintenance) has now become an urgent issue. Giving it attention fixes the problem, but it doesn't prevent the added exhaustion and the frustration that comes from having one more thing to take care of, to do, to pay attention to, to maintain.

In any event, we'll muddle through. What pulls me along during the most difficult moments is knowing that no matter what else is true, I know that 40 years from now, when all this is over, Kelly and I will still be side by side, holding hands, loving each other and wishing that we could do it one more time. I know that to be true and when the moment becomes to much, I close my eyes and picture that in my head...our two white Adirondack chairs, sitting side by side, overlooking the ocean, with a lifetime of love, of negotiation, of friendship, of shared vision, of history wrapped around two old women.

Oh...and...

I am buying my ticket to go see the New Kids on the Block reunion tour today.

Yes.

I am one of THOSE girl.

And I must say that I absolutely cannot...and I mean ABSOLUTELY CANNOT...wait!!!!!

Kelly refuses to go. She laughs at me.

Poor girl. She doesn't know what she's missing.

Me, I'm gonna go and scream like a little bitch for my hotties, sing and dance my ass off, and remember the days when I kissed the posters on my walls and couldn't get enough of them!

BRING IT ON!!!!

Lessons in Sharing

All is pretty calm and peaceful in the McFadden home.

Kelly's sickness is leveling out. It's still bad, but it's becoming more managable. I don't know if that is because she's more used to it now or if it's because it's getting better. Whatever it is, we are grateful.

Bailey is fantastic. She has developed a new word..."MINE". This is never spoken softly. It is always yelled, as she's holding whatever it is up and away from whomever she is scolding. She says it with her little eyebrows pursed and her mouth set in a defiant line. Oh yes. We love childcare.

We spent a couple of hours with Danny yesterday while his Moms did some shopping. We had a couple of hours with just Danny while Bailey slept. He is such a sweet little guy. He struggled a bit when his Mommy left him, but quickly calmed down and spent the majority of the time just sweet and playing. Bailey woke up a couple of hours after he arrived. They played together.

It was during this that we finally had to accept that our daughter isn't perfect. She kept trying to take Danny's toys!!! And as she is significantly larger than Danny, she usually suceeded. She would walk right up to him, grab whatever he had and scream "MINE". Well.

I should pause for a second here and say that I don't deal well with kids that do that. It makes me so angry. The hardest part of parenting for me is turning off my instinctual response (which would be grab the toy from her and say...nope...it's MINE...which would only teach her that the biggest person in the room actually can win). Instead, I have to step back for a second, compose myself and deal with the situation in a way that is appropriate, rational and fair. LOL - that's hard for me, actually.

So, my response to her was to walk over, get on her level, put my hands on her hands, and tell her that we don't take toys from other kids. I gently took the toy away from her (not yelling, not tugging) and handed it back to Danny. Bailey immediately went for it again. I intervened again, stopping Bailey from taking the toy and telling her that we must share our toys and that if she did it again, she would have timeout. I backed off. Bailey hesitated, but went for Danny's toy again.

Before I continue, I should point out that Danny had moved on. See, Danny is so calm and indifferent to all that. You could almost hear him thinking "Well, fine...have it. I'm gonna get this one over here." He wasn't upset, didn't seem phased in the slightest. Perhaps a bit disgusted with Bailey's behavior (or is that me projecting my emotions???) but otherwise, perfectly content to just let her have the toy.

Me, on the other hand, will not let Bailey think that is an acceptable form of interaction. So, as promised, I took the toy away from her and set her down on the "timeout" bench. This bench sits in our living room and is quite remote from the house, without being isolated. We think it will be ideal as a timeout spot. I sat with her, of course, and I explained (as she was screaming) that we cannot take toys from other people. 30 seconds later, I let her down. Of course, a 15 month old doesn't understand much, so the timeouts must be kept very short. She calmed immediately and went back to playing nicely.

We did this 3 more times (for a total of 4 30-second timeouts in about an hour). She would play really well after the timeout for about 10-15 minutes and then she seemed to forget herself. Each time, I would intervene and go through the process again.

BUT, after the 4th timeout, Bailey seemed to get it. Danny was playing with the ball (there are three of them in our house), but Bailey wanted it. She started to take it from Danny but stopped when I spoke to her. She backed off. Danny pushed the ball towards Bailey. Bailey picked it up and brought it back to Danny...SHARING!!!! She did fantastic for the rest of the day - sharing, or playing with her own toys while Danny played with other. Of course, we rewarded this great behavior with lots of clapping, "good jobs" and hugs.

Let's just say she had much more interest in whatever Danny happened to be playing with, but she was not aggressive about it. At one point, I had to use a bit of a "tone" with her and indicated that if she didn't stop what she was doing she would get a timeout. She dropped her little head and walked over to the timeout bench! Poor girl.

Later that night, as we were putting on lotion, we told her how good she had done and how proud of her we were. We know that she doesn't really get it all right now, but the point is not the specific words. It's the patterns of behavior. We will have expectations of her behavior...but they are not that she will be perfect. The expectation is that she will learn and correct her actions when needed. And, I think, it's fair for her to expect that we will admit when we are wrong and (in my case) to find ways of dealing with my own frustration at her behavior that are fair to her.

She may be only 15 months old, but she's not too young to understand human emotion. She got it when I was upset with her behavior. She got it when were cheering for to do something right. And she showed a definate improvement in behavior when she understood the consequenses of a timeout. What more can you ask of the child??

More importantly, I don't expect this to stick. At this age, I suspect we will do this same cycle over and over again. It takes a long time to develop self-control. LOL - I'm still working on it...hehehe!

Back in the Clear

Wow - yesterday sucked. Enough said about that.

The doctor's appointment was a joke. The receptionist scheduled us for a pregnancy confirmation. Of course, we didn't need to confirm pregnancy having had three betas and an ultrasound at the fertility clinic. They figured this all out at 9:30 when our appointment was supposed to have started at 9:10. It just so happened that our wonderful doctor was on the premises and was able to meet with us. She wasn't supposed to...after all according to their records, we were there for a simple blood draw.

We were told that they would do the "pap" and then do the "OB intake" at our next visit.

We finally get back to the exam room and wait another 10 minutes. Dr. Jones (who really is wonderful) came in and sat down. We told her about how badly Kelly's been feeling. Basically, she said that other than Zofran, which Kelly is already on, the only cure is time. She offered suggested, she was appropriately sympathetic. She offered Kelly the proverbial carrot by telling her that the "peak" for HcG (the hormone causing all the problems) is 10 weeks and after that it starts to decline. We're 9 weeks tomorrow. We have some hope.

So then, we asked her why a pap was necessary? We reminded her that were just there in January for our annual exams. She realized that it wasn't necessary. So then she said that she would swap for cultures - to test for basic STD's. We told her that all that was done by the clinic before insemination - it's a requirement. Of course, they didn't have our records from Columbia (although they did have a letter from Dr. Sachs).

Basically, there was nothing to be done. We left after getting Kelly's weight (so far, it looks like only a pound has been gained from her starting weight). We go back on the 4th, were we will do the OB Intake. Not sure what that is, but there you have it. By then, they will have all of our medical records and we hope that Kelly won't be so sick.

I have nothing more to say on yesterday...best just to keep it all in the past and try to forget it happened.

But Everything Is Okay

Just realized that some of you might be worried about the health of our child - everything is fine. We are all fine and dandy. Just a shitty, shitty, shitty day.

Today's Doctor's Appointment

Everything sucked today. I'm in such a shitty mood that I can't talk about it. Maybe tomorrow.

This May Sound Awful...But...

If I had known how sick Kelly was going to be carrying this child, I would have suggested stopping at one and letting Bailey be an only child.

My heart has never broken so much as it did last night, laying with my wife in our bed while she cried and asked me what she was going to do, how she was going to get through it and when it would stop. I've never seen such a defeated look in her eyes, or seen her look so scared of something.

This has kicked her ass and is now continuing to kick her while she's down and it's breaking my heart.

Below the surface, I know that it's worth it. All those little platitudes don't really mean shit right now, though, and it's so hard not to say them. I want to wrap her up and fix it...make it go away...like I have every other awful thing that has infected my wife's life. But I can't. I have to stand back and witness her journey through this incredibly difficult process. I can't fall back on the simple words like "it'll be okay" and "this will end". While those things may be true, they are meaningless right now while she is in the thick of it and they sound like diminishing comments when I say them. I don't want to disregard the power of how badly she is feeling.

The depression is kicking in. Because she feels so badly, she has a hard time spending time with Bailey. Bailey is responding in kind, by being a bit standoffish to Kelly. Last night, Bailey tried to hit Kelly when Kelly came to me for a hug - a sure sign that Bailey is getting possesive of me. It's hard for me to not lash out at Bailey when she does that, because I know it hurts my wife. Yet, I know that Bailey doesn't understand the complexities of human emotion. She is acting on instinct alone. Hard to juggle that one. I've managed so far - but the whole fucking thing sucks.

Here's another platitude: we'll get through this. All three of us, and Littler Honey too. We have a doctors appointment in the morning tomorrow (our first with our OB after being released from the fertility clinic)...maybe Dr. Jones will be able to come up with some drug cocktail that will help Kelly get through the physical part of this. I will carry our life, and as much of her heart as can be carried.

We're tired. Very, very tired.

On a very different note, Bailey has learned a new word. "Shit". At least, we think it is shit. I was trying to teach her "sit" at the playground on Sunday. I'd point to her chair and say "would you like to "sit". She would shake her head no. Yesterday, I was sitting on the floor with her and she was playing with my cell phone. I flipped it open for her (because she can't do it on her own) and she was enjoying playing with the buttons and making the phone light up. She accidentally flipped the phone shut. She turned around and looked at the phone and said "shit". Kelly looked up from the couch and looked at me and said "that sounded an awful lot like the s-word". I laughed. I know that is the wrong response, but honestly, I couldn't help it. There is no way I could keep it in. It exploded out of me.

So then, I looked at Bailey and I said "Did you say sit?" She looked at me, smiled and sat down on her butt. Then she stood up. I said "sit" and she sat down. We played that game three or four more times. On the last "sit" she shook her head no. So...we know that she knows the word sit and what it means. Why would she say "sit" to a phone that had closed and she couldn't get open?

It's possible, though, that she was saying sit. But if she was, her "sit" sounds so much like "shit" that nobody will ever believe that she isn't swearing.

That was a brief moment of hilarity in an otherwise tough night.

Momma Time

A lovely weekend was had by all (except Kelly...more on that later). My mom flew in for a conference on Saturday morning. Kelly, Bailey and I all drove to the airport to fetch her. What a wonderful thing it is to see my mother. It always makes me feel like a bit of my heart has been rejoined with the rest. Bailey had just woken up from her nap (she almost always sleeps in the car) and regarded her Grammie with a great deal of suspiciousness. Nothing I did from the passenger's seat could make her crack a smile. Her pursed little eyes never wavered from Grammie...but not a smile to be seen.

She warmed up over time, of course. Our daughter spends a good bit of time taking the measure of a person before she will spend any time charming you. But once you're in...watch out!

Saturday was spent just hanging out. Bailey is always a bunch of work, but it was a lovely chore with my mom around to see her interacting with her world. She napped a bit, we all hung out. It was nice. After putting Bailey to bed, and getting Kelly some oatmeal, my mom and I set out to satisfy my craving for steak and a martini. We spent a couple of hours dining and talking (I had the most wonderful "Appleicious Martini" and a delightful ribeye). We topped it off with a piece of shared cheesecake. It was extremely relaxing and reminded me of the parts of my mother I miss the most, and of what we gave up when we decided not to move to Maine. It would be nice to be able to have dinner with my Mom a couple times a month.

Sunday was a mamouth day of getting shit done, taking care of my wife and entertaining Bailey. After getting up at 5 AM to spend a few minutes with Mom, I left for the city to drop her off at her conference hotel. When I left, both of my girls were still in bed (and I expected them to stay that way until I got back...it was only 6 AM!!!). But the best laid plans...Bailey woke up shortly after we left. Kelly tried to ignore her to get her to fall back asleep (usually works), but this time, I didn't. She really believed she was ready to get up (she wasn't). Kelly popped out of bed (bad, bad idea) and managed to get her dressed and downstairs in her high chair eating. Kelly started to eat herself (a very small bowl of cereal), when she vomited for the first time during this pregnancy. The problem is that Kelly NEVER gets out of bed without eating first. And it's a substantial breakfast usually - I bring her oatmeal or cream of wheat. And the eating/waking process takes her about a half hour...and that is just so that she feels good enough to stand and make it to the shower.

She called me after vomiting, wondering where I was. I was just dropping Mom off, so still in the city and at least 45 minutes away. She muddled through and I flew home. Bailey, who had insisted so stridently that she wanted to be awake, was simply exhausted when I got home and Kelly, who shouldn't have been up in the first place, was sicker than she's been yet. I took over, sending Kelly to the bathroom to shower and think about her next meal. After about a half hour it became obvious that Bailey needed to go back to bed. She went down without a fuss. I went to pick up a quiche for Kelly and then mowed the lawn while Bailey napped. I showered. I got the house picked up. Kelly hung out, trying to will herself into feeling better. When Bailey woke up, we ate and then Bailey and I headed out. We shopped, we played, we had a good time. While we were gone, Kelly was able to get the laundry mostly done and the upstairs vacuumed. Sweet wife that she is.

So it goes. Today, I am playing hooky. It's Momma-day. I took myself out for breakfast, bought shoes for the dress that I'm wearing to my brother's wedding next month, have read for hours and am about to take a nap. When I wake, I'm going to take a bath. Oh yes. I do love a Momma-day.

To sum up a very long story...we're good. Kelly is sick as hell and we're getting through it. She's emotionally exhausted from feeling like shit and from having her entire world simply stop and focus on being sick. She's physically exhausted from being pregnant, from not being able to sleep at night, and from trying to pretend she feels normal on some level. Without a doubt, this pregnancy is kicking her ass. I comfort where I can, make food and try to carry her load...but this is, in many ways, a solitary journey. I can only offer my understanding and try to help her through it. We both know it is time limited. For her sake, I hope that time is sooner rather than later.

Bailey is good. She's normal. She's doing her thing. She's funny, charming, sweet, challenging and exactly what I would expect a toddler to be.

And I'm hanging in there. As I told my mom on Saturday night, the best part about this entire difficult pregnancy while Bailey is in a challenging age is that for the first time in nearly 3 years...I feel strong again. I feel in control, happy, capable and like I am finally being the woman I've always known myself to be. That's a good feeling.

I'm Amused...I Can't Help It

So this morning, I was talking to one of the moms at our current daycare who is pulling her child out and moving her to a new center. Out of curiousity, I asked which one. She said it was Lakeside - a church run, brand new, MUCH cheaper childcare facility in Waldorf.

I checked it out.

Their website clearly states that they have a Christian-teaching method. They call their facility "your child's Christian home away from home." They use teaching books and methods developed by leading Christian scholars. Their books unabashadly state that they teach God as the created and final law on all things (science, math, english...every thing).

Let me stop for just a minute here, lest you all get the wrong idea about me. I am, obviously, not Christian. I'm not sure what my label would be, but certainly not Christian. That doesn't mean that I have any issues with the faith or the people who choose to believe. I certainly have issues with Christianity in the aggregate, but when we're talking about people who believe and the teaching of Jesus Christ...I think this is all fine and dandy. Not for me. But fine.

So I figured - what the hell? I gave them a call. I spoke with the Assistant Director. I told her that we had heard great things and were interested in exploring their facility as an option for our 14 month old daughter. On the heels of that statement I explained that we were an open lesbian family, that I was not a believer in Christianity and that my wife was a non-practicing Christian. I asked how that would fit, if at all, within the context of their childcare facility. I further explained that I am not worried at all about the Christian aspect, but that I needed to be clear that they would not have a problem with our family, with the fact that Bailey does not have a father, and with the fact that neither of us will ever tell her that Christianity is the only belief their is to choose from.

LOL -the woman was taken aback, I think. Her first response back to me was "You're not a Christian? Do you believe the word of God?" To which I promptly answerd, "No, but I think my wife does."

The conversation just went from there. She didn't really understand why it was important that we were a lesbian family. She made the comment that all the kids say "Mommy"...I'm not exactly sure how that fits, but there it is. I told her that it was important because ignoring Bailey's family is the same thing as acknowledging it in a negative way. It becomes most important on days like Mother's Day (when Bailey has two women to celebrate) and Father's Day (when Bailey has none). It is also important in normal conversation, for instance, when teacher's talk about "Mommy" and "Daddy" and ask Bailey to respond. The woman didn't understand why it needed to be an issue at all.

I explained, as patiently as I could, that the "issue" is that it cannot be ignored or "not mentioned". It's a level of respect and education that has to be done, and Kelly and I are willing to take that one...but only with their cooperation.

After 15 minutes, I gave up. I checked them off our list of centers to consider and realized (one more time) that I'll never fit into a Christian community. It's just not my thing.

Sexpert

I'm still contemplating how I become the latest and gratest sexpert. I've always been able to picture my goal, imagine my way there and then make it happen. It's how I got the girl, it's how I made it through college, it's how I've succeed at my jobs.

But, I have no idea how to attack this one.

I see many problems.

1) Sexology or some variation is not a mainstream field of study. The majority of the studies are coming out of San Francisco and I live on the other side of the country. It's not like Pheonix online offers distance learning classes on human sex.

2) I have no time or money to pursue this dream. That's a big one. We can't afford for me to go back to school. If we could, I'd head to one of the local college, and study psychology and biology with a focus on human sexuality. But we have no money and my $60K in loans that I already have means I'm not digging myself deeper. As for the time, I am willing to figure it out, even though it would mean not sleeping.

3) Once I've figured out the education side of it...cause let's face it, all I have on my side is a deep interested and bit of dabbling in the dark side on a personal level...how do I avoid becoming a boring sex therapist talking to people who can't seem to make their marriage spark? I want to dabble deeper into the sexual practices of the human being. Even though it may seem seedy to some, I'm interested in sexual perversion...or at least, what society deems as sexual perversion.

All these thoughts. I think, right now, the dream is unattainable. The best I can do is spend time at the library, check out books on the topic and read. Self-education is free and I can read on the bus as I commute.

*sigh* Why did I ever think I wanted a degree in busines???

Living Outside My Brain

My mother in law once accused me of thinking too much. She's also accused Kelly of that same thing. I say "accused" because it really did have a negative twist to it.

I've never been offended by the comment. I do think a lot. I don't see the news and let it wash over me; I process the information, make judgement, form opinions and blend it all with any previous knowledge I may have on the subject. I then file all that information away for a day when I may need it. And often, I vocalize that process.

For those of you who have read this blog since the beginning, you're probaby well aware of the processes that I go through in any situation. My brain and my mouth seem to be connected in a way that sometimes isn't great...but more often is just the way that I move through any situation. I feel, I process, I vocalize, I complete. That seems to be my cycle.

Lately, though, I feel like I've not been able to think very much. It seems that the endless string of chores and processes of carrying for our daughter has led me to a place where my brain feels a bit like it's on auto pilot. I often don't watch the news right now. While I felt passionately about the Democratic primary season, I have lapsed into boredom with the campaign. When I read, it's crap - brain-candy books or dumb-ass celebrity magazines. I don't check CNN.com anymore - I check People.com. Hell, I don't even listen to good radio - I listen to Hot 99.5 and thump my way through every drive.

I wonder what that is about? Am I bored? I know that I am happy in my life and in my choices...but perhaps my brain is bored? I'd accept that.

The problem that I have is that I feel very little passion about the things I used to feel passion for. I used to get all excited about politics. Now, I don't give a shit. I'm disillusioned and, honestly, don't believe that huge change will occur (except in slow, gradual shifts). I don't really feel passionately about world affairs, although I feel guilty when I'm uninformed. I don't really care about the environment, except to work on making the changes that I need in order to not feel like the world's worst person (moving to cloth bags, recycling, etc.). I'm not even all that interested anymore in the whole feminist thing. I mean, I feel a pang of excitment when I see a group of radical women gathered together focused on a mission...but not enough that I want to be one of those women.

You know what I am passionate about?

Sex.

And not having it. I like that as much as the next person, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm interested in the world of perversion and sexual desire that people keep hidden. I'm interested in who is having sex, how good that sex is, why it's good, why it's not and how it effect lives. And not in the micro sense. I don't care if my neighbor is getting laid or my buddies are rocking both ends of the candle. I care about it in the aggregate. What drives us sexually as human beings? We know that sex is as essential to people as food, water, and air. How we operate within that dynamic is what interests me.

I'd love to study it. I'd love to teach it. I've thought about becoming a sex-toy dealer. You know, have sex toy parties like they have tupperware parties. But that is far more campy than I'm interested in. I don't really care to spend a bunch of time with 20-something straight girls who giggle at the sight of a dildo. I'm beyond all of that.

What I would like to do is interview people. I'd like to sit down with 1000 people and talk to them about sex - their thoughts, their feelings, their desires, their disappointments and satifactions. And then, I'd like to write about what I heard. Not in the Kinsey model of information - but in a casual, non-medical kind of way. Kind of like, did you know that of the 1000 people I talked to, 850 of them use sex toys on a regular basis?

And once I've done that, I'd love to delve deeper - into the really seedy, underground sexually deviante practices of the people around us. The stuff that many people think about, but are too scared to explore. I'd love to just blow the roof off all this convention around sex and open people up to a discussion about sex and why really matters.

The problem is that I'm not sure how to go from an MCLE & Professional Development Coordinator at a major law firm with a degree in Business and Accounting to the latest and greatest sex-expert. Anyone have any ideas?

Bailey's Tantrums and Daycare Delights

I'm super happy to be able to report that we have had a signficant breakthrough with the tantrum situation. Our method of waiting her out and letting her go seems to be working, because in the past week she hasn't thrown one tantrum. We've learned a little bit, as well. We've learned that by distracting her before she is full-blown, we can often prevent the tantrum all together. We've also learned that her tantrums are often started because she is interested in what we are doing (i.e. when I'm cooking). If I pick her up, show her what I'm doing and then offer her a new activity (such as playing in the cupboard that is safe for her to play in, that prevents the tantrum. The best lesson of all, though, is that when Bailey is tired we need to put her to bed. No matter how early it may seem to us. This past week, Bailey has been in bed between 6:30 and 6:45 PM every night. And she sleeps, uninterupted, until we get her up around 6:30 AM. On the weekends, she is sleeping until we get her up at 8:30 or 9 AM. And then she takes a 2-3 hour nap during the day. Maybe a growth spurt? Maybe she just likes to sleep. Who knows. What I do know is that if we try to keep her up, every little disappointment is reason to explode into crazy tantrums that go on and on and on.

Watching her cues and listening to them, is working well.

The sad part about it, though, is that it seem that more often than not, I will not see my daughter on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Those are my late days - meaning I get her up, feed her breakfast and drop her off at daycare, catching the bus around 8 AM...which puts me to work around 9-9:15ish. I leave work between 5 and 5:30...depending on the day. But, that means I'm not home until 6:30 or 7 PM...and Bailey is already in bed. I always go up and snuggle her sleeping body...but that is not interaction. It's comfort for me...very slight comfort...and nothing else.

It's for the best, though, so I just have to learn to accept it. Eventually her schedule will shift again, and she will stay up a bit later.

As for the daycare delights...seems that Bailey has picked up screaming and slapping as means of getting what she wants from the other kids. We have observed her letting out a high pitched yell when she is frustrated. Not a long drawn out yell, but one that (if it could be words) would be a bit like "DAMN IT". You know...that kind of yell. Kelly also watched her slap a doll that another child was playing with yesterday when Bailey wanted it. Of course, she immediately stepped in and firmly told Bailey no. We'll see how long it takes us to break of her those habits.

On a completely different front, it seems that our daughter's personality is changing. Remember how incredibly extroverted she used to be? That's changing. She used to love to come into her room at daycare and be the center of attention. Perhaps that is because it was an infant room and it was mostly quiet and mostly peaceful. Well, now, she enters her classroom and wants to sit quietly at the table. We bring her in a little bit of a waffle or fruit for her to snack on and she sits and observes the other kids before joining the fray. It seems that some of her immediate need to be the center of attention is diminishing. It's interesting to watch.

Coping

I'm absolutely astounded at how much work it is to be the partner of a pregnant woman. This is second only to how incredibly astonished I am at how much work being pregnant is for Kelly.

Kelly pointed out to me this weekend that I slept my way through the first trimester. Being the childless couple that we were at the time, that was possible. I slept and Kelly busied herself with the house chores that she wanted to do (like the easy task of painting the entire downstairs...LOL). I specifically remember reclining on the couch and waking up to eat and putter around for a couple of hours and then going back to sleep. It was so easy in retrospect.

Kelly, on the other hand, is shafted in two ways. First, her pregnancy is about 10 times more difficult than mine was. Seriously. I know that I complained a lot and if you thought I had it rough, you can begin to understand how hard this is on Kelly. Her entire world is timed in 1 hour increments and every decision is made based on getting enough (but not too much) of the right foods (these change every day) and when she can take her medication to prevent even worse sickness.

Let me just spell this out so you have some idea. We'll take a random couple of hours from any given day. So say it's 10 AM and Kelly had just eaten a half cup of bran cereal with some soy milk. The food is probably not sitting great and her belly is aching from cramps (because every time she eats, she gets cramps). She sits down for about 15 minutes, because her head is spinning and she needs to let the food settle so that it will stay down. She sips water or apple juice or gatoraide if any other that happens to sound good at the moment. Her food finally settles and her body decides it will keep it about a half hour after the food is consumed. She has about 15 minutes to be a normal human being, so maybe she plays with Bailey or wanders around the house trying to help with some of the chores. About 15 minutes into that, her head starts spinning again. Time to think about food. She spends the next 15 minutes looking at the contents of the cupboard or the fridge trying to figure out what looks good. Meanwhile, spending all that time looking at food makes her naseous. The other option is that I spend 10 minutes in the kitchen calling out options, most of which are met with groans and thinly-veiled disgust. We finally settle on something and I am usually the person who makes whatever she's decided on because by this time, she's already so naseated from the process of figuring it out that she can't stand to be in the kitchen. I bring her her food and she then must spend the next 10-15 minutes psyching her mind and body out to be able to even touch the food in front of her. 10 minutes later, she may have gotten the food in (we're talking about 1/2 cup of food or less) and then the game begins again.

Without a break.

Ever.

Talk about exhausting. For all of us.

I think, at this point, it's safe to say that we'll never have a third child. It's just not going to happen.

So back to this shafted thing. The second way she is shafted is that we have a child. And we don't have a simple, easy going child. Hell no. We have Bailey. Our bundle of loud, excited, challenging energy who needs almost constant interaction and who wants it from both of us. Even when I push Kelly to take a nap, to watch TV, to stay off her feet, she can't do it. And not because I won't let her...but because she feels bad. I'm carrying nearly everything right now and while I absolutely do not mind, the exhaustion is evident on me. I am an absolute failure at hiding my feelings, so when I'm stressed, tired, grumpy or bored with the same old routine, it shows. And she feels bad. But I can't pretend to feel any other way. So poor Kelly gets to try to be a part of the "normal" routine of our household while feeling like absolute shit because I'm not Donna Reed.

When I was pregnant, my easy-going, laid-back, down-to-eart, NON-drama queen wife took it all in stride. On the flip side, this strung-out, stressed out, drama queen wife of hers is not handling it with nearly as much grace as she did.

So anyway.

It may not seem it, but we are actually doing okay. We're both lost inside of the struggle of a difficult early-pregnancy, but we're coping. We know each other so well, and that helps. I can tell when she is needing me and she can tell when I need to be left alone.

Kelly made the comment that having a pregnant partner is lonely in the beginning of her pregnancy. She said "it's so fucking lonely. All you did was sleep. You'll see." Kelly isn't sleeping constantly, but my wife has been taken over by horrible morning sickness and is consumed with self preservation. It IS lonely.

We would have it no other way. This is the path we are following to complete our dream, and we wouldn't change it for a second.

But I think we'll both be happy when this passes and she can feel a bit more like herself. Herself pregnant, to be sure...but herself.

Moments

Ever have a moment where all frustration, all stress, all anger, all drama just disappears and everything is crystal clear?

I had one of those moments this morning, sitting out on my front porch after Kelly left. I went outside to listen to the birds and take a minute before getting Bailey up. I watched the comings and goings of the court, listened to the birds sing, watched the flowers sway in the breeze and the bees flying around them. I breathed the still-cool air and I realized, with perfect clarity - I am happy.

My Poor Girl

I feel so bad for Kelly!!!!!! The morning sickness seems to ramp up every day. This morning, I came out of the bathroom at around 5 AM, ready to head to work, and found her lying in bed looking like a dump truck had hit her. She told me that she couldn't move - her belly was just waiting for her to stand so that it could throw up. I asked what I could get her - would food help? Toast? Crackers? She asked for cream of wheat and one piece of cinnamon toast. As she was asking for it, I could tell that she felt bad. She caught me checking the clock, trying to gauge my morning and figure out how to make it to work on time. After looking at Kelly again, I decided that I didn't care about work and headed downstairs to make her breakfast.

I brought it up, and then headed back downstairs to stuff the dishes into the dishwasher, prepare Bailey's snacks for daycare, and get her breakfast ready so that all Kelly would have to do is scramble a couple of eggs, get her started eating (she feeds herself mostly) and then head out the door.

Kelly, I know that you are feeling bad these days, about how "needy" (your words...not mine) you are. So hear me when I tell you this - your ONLY job right now is to be pregnant and to drag yourself through your days. Trying to keep yourself fed when food makes you want to puke is exhausting. Playing with Bailey when you have a hurt back is exhausting. Waking up when your entire body is working on something other than you is exhausting. And no matter how stressed I may seem in any given moment, I KNOW how hard it is to grow a baby and I understand where you are. Please, know that I love you and will take care of you through this. You need to let go of your anxiety and lean on me. I can carry the load. I promise you that I won't let you down.

Where To Begin

Wow. So much has happened in the last couple of weeks, I don't even know where to begin.

First - thank you to everyone who has sent congratulations and well wishes. We are extremely happy and excited to be pregnant again. Kelly is doing well - although some pretty severe morning sickness has taken hold. Even with the prescription Zofran that she was given, she is still getting sick every couple of hours. So far it is slightly controllable with food, but even that doesn't help sometimes. My driving makes her sick as hell, so I'll be the passenger for the next nine months. The other thing for her is food aversions are high right now. It's funny - the jokes are always made about women craving food...but so far, it's been all about what she can't eat. She's existing right now on different types of soup, toast, fruit and cheese sticks. Not much else is going down. And at any given time, she can only keep about a half cup of food in her body. She's eating just about every hour to try to prevent sickness, but it doesn't always work. So that is rough...but we're still super happy about the pregnancy.

Second - over the weekend, Kelly went five rounds with a tricycle and lost. Big time. In fact, while attempting to yank a wheel off the tricyle, she slipped a disc in her back. Five hours after it happened (this was on Saturday afternoon) she let me take her to the ER. Slipped discs heal on their own and are really not treatable, except with pain management medication. Because she is pregnant, she cannot take most of the available drugs. They prescribed Tylenol 3 with codine, but that really isn't safe either. And it makes her her extremely queasy. With the morning sickness, the Tylenol really wasn't an option. Her doctor told her it was fine to take low doses of Motrin for pain, but she's been a bit worried and so has resisted except when the pain is unbearable. The injury puts Kelly out of commission for the time being. She is back at work today, but I don't think she should be. She's still in a lot of pain. It goes without saying that she can't pick Bailey up right now - her weight is just too much for Kelly's back.

Third - Bailey has decided to use this week as the week to begin throwing some very serious temper tantrums. Think full-on crazy tantrums. On the floor, screaming her lungs out, throwing whatever she comes into contact with, rolling her body all around, kicking, batting at anyone who comes near her. And she will do this for a long, long time. Over the weekend, on tantrum lasted about 45 minutes. Our response to this wretched behavior is to sit on the floor near her and talk quietly to her - letting her know that when she is ready to pick herself up off the floor and come to us, we will comfort her. We don't pick her up. We don't give her whatever it was that caused the tantrum in the first place. We don't walk away and ignore the behavior. We work through it with her. Finally, last night, we had a break through. It took about 25 minutes, but she picked herself up and came to me, putting her head on my shoulder and calming herself down. Then she was able to eat. 30 minutes later, at 6:30 PM she was sound asleep in bed and we didn't hear her again until she woke up this morning at 6:15 AM.

So...with the combination of full-on "morning" sickness, Kelly's back injury and Bailey's temper tantrums, our home is experiencing a bit of stress right now. This is when not having family around is very, very difficult. We could use some help. We have some friends who have pitched in where they could, but in the end, it's just difficult.

There is no doubt that we will get through this rocky time - but man, we're both exhausted, annoyed with Bailey's behavior and irritated with each other.

LOL - how's that for a happy post?

Our Littler Honey

We are very, very happy to announce that our second child, lovingly dubbed "littler honey" is officially on his or her way! Bailey's little brother or sister is due February 27, 2009...or said another way, we are 6 and 1/2 weeks pregnant.

Other than a bit of mild morning sickness, Littler Honey is treating his or her Mommy pretty good. (Yes...for those of you who know that I am Momma and Kelly is Mommy, you have probably figured out that Kelly is pregnant this time around)!

We started the journey of our second child in January of this year. I attempted to get pregnant twice, we took a month off and then Kelly attempted to get pregnant. Her first attempt failed, but her second one took and now we have our second child on the way!

I started a new blog to track the process of getting pregnant with our second child. We had thought that we were going to keep the process private for longer than this, but (because I am so excited), Kelly and I agreed to let everyone in on the secret. I have linked the other blog on the sidebar. I will not be posting there anymore, and will continue our story here. But if you want to know the back story, feel free to click on over and read!

Here are the first pictures of Our Littler Honey!

Our Littler Honey at 6 Weeks, 4 Days Old

Our Littler Honey's Healthy Heartbeat!

Homophobia at Daycare

So last night, while we are talking on the phone to one of Bailey's old childcare providers at the daycare (from the room she moved out of just recently), it was mentioned that the way her new teachers tell us apart is by referring to us a "the mom" and "the dad."

*sigh*

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate homophobia? Or that I REALLY hate it when it is based mostly in pure ignorance?

I don't believe that these women mean any harm. To them, Kelly's short hair probably indicates that she is "the man" in our relationship. My make up, big boobs and longer hair probably means I'm "the woman". I honestly believe that they mean no harm in the reference.

BUT.

No harm meant does not excuse homophobia. At all.

So, here is the conversation that I am going to have with the director of the center, the assistant director of the center and the head teacher in Bailey's classroom:

"I realize that you probably do not mean any harm by referring to Kelly as "the dad", but what I need for you to understand is that referring to Kelly as any kind of male figure is degrading and just plain wrong. Bailey has two mothers. I am Momma and Kelly is Mommy. If you can't remember those labels, our names will do just fine. I'm Mikki and she is Kelly. The bigger issue, other than the degrading reference, is that Bailey should never have to feel like her family is being called into question or is being reshaped by your language. Bailey does not have a "dad" and that is perfectly fine. Instead, she has two mothers. Her challenges at placing her family within the narrowly defined hetersexual "norm" in society will be difficult enough, without her childcare providers adding to that challenge. We expect you to be a partner in raising our child, just as you expect us to aid in your efforts with Bailey. If you cannot accept our family dynamic and celebrate it with Bailey than we will pull her from this care facility and find one that can."

How's that? Does that mask my blood-boiling anger enough that they might actually hear me? Because my next step is to take this up the chain of command and create a big fucking stink all through the Childtime Corporation.