This May Sound Awful...But...

If I had known how sick Kelly was going to be carrying this child, I would have suggested stopping at one and letting Bailey be an only child.

My heart has never broken so much as it did last night, laying with my wife in our bed while she cried and asked me what she was going to do, how she was going to get through it and when it would stop. I've never seen such a defeated look in her eyes, or seen her look so scared of something.

This has kicked her ass and is now continuing to kick her while she's down and it's breaking my heart.

Below the surface, I know that it's worth it. All those little platitudes don't really mean shit right now, though, and it's so hard not to say them. I want to wrap her up and fix it...make it go away...like I have every other awful thing that has infected my wife's life. But I can't. I have to stand back and witness her journey through this incredibly difficult process. I can't fall back on the simple words like "it'll be okay" and "this will end". While those things may be true, they are meaningless right now while she is in the thick of it and they sound like diminishing comments when I say them. I don't want to disregard the power of how badly she is feeling.

The depression is kicking in. Because she feels so badly, she has a hard time spending time with Bailey. Bailey is responding in kind, by being a bit standoffish to Kelly. Last night, Bailey tried to hit Kelly when Kelly came to me for a hug - a sure sign that Bailey is getting possesive of me. It's hard for me to not lash out at Bailey when she does that, because I know it hurts my wife. Yet, I know that Bailey doesn't understand the complexities of human emotion. She is acting on instinct alone. Hard to juggle that one. I've managed so far - but the whole fucking thing sucks.

Here's another platitude: we'll get through this. All three of us, and Littler Honey too. We have a doctors appointment in the morning tomorrow (our first with our OB after being released from the fertility clinic)...maybe Dr. Jones will be able to come up with some drug cocktail that will help Kelly get through the physical part of this. I will carry our life, and as much of her heart as can be carried.

We're tired. Very, very tired.

On a very different note, Bailey has learned a new word. "Shit". At least, we think it is shit. I was trying to teach her "sit" at the playground on Sunday. I'd point to her chair and say "would you like to "sit". She would shake her head no. Yesterday, I was sitting on the floor with her and she was playing with my cell phone. I flipped it open for her (because she can't do it on her own) and she was enjoying playing with the buttons and making the phone light up. She accidentally flipped the phone shut. She turned around and looked at the phone and said "shit". Kelly looked up from the couch and looked at me and said "that sounded an awful lot like the s-word". I laughed. I know that is the wrong response, but honestly, I couldn't help it. There is no way I could keep it in. It exploded out of me.

So then, I looked at Bailey and I said "Did you say sit?" She looked at me, smiled and sat down on her butt. Then she stood up. I said "sit" and she sat down. We played that game three or four more times. On the last "sit" she shook her head no. So...we know that she knows the word sit and what it means. Why would she say "sit" to a phone that had closed and she couldn't get open?

It's possible, though, that she was saying sit. But if she was, her "sit" sounds so much like "shit" that nobody will ever believe that she isn't swearing.

That was a brief moment of hilarity in an otherwise tough night.