Yesterday, as I was driving home from the parking lot where the bus drops me off, I heard a song. It had been a long, long day with a couple of major problems at work. My coworker is leaving and things are crazy. Honestly, work is going to be tough for the next four months.
But as I was driving home, I heard Edwin McCain's "I'll Be." I have posted the lyrics before, and they have always reminded me of Kelly. Her love for me is immense and being loved by her is like stepping out into the warm sun when you're ice cold. She is my heart, my soul...my love.
But as I was singing along to this lyric:
"You're my survival, you're my living proof, that my love is alive...and not dead"
I found myself picturing not Kelly, but our Bailey. Our little love who has taught me the true meaning of love without end, hope without fear, selflessness without selfishness.
She is everything to us. Our whole world is wrapped up in that little girl who made our family complete. Perhaps someday we will bring another child into this world, but for right now, for today, Bailey is the love of our lives.
For anyone who is interested in a written account of post partum depression that very closely mirrors what I went through, read "Down Came The Rain" by Brooke Shields. Kelly got me the book for my birthday, and I cried my way through it as I remembered the experiences of the first six months of Bailey's life. I've shared a lot, but I could never share it all. She does a great job of describing it.
Of course, the written word can never capture the fear, shame, guilt and anger that plagued me. It is, however, a short read that portrays her experience in a way that can be understood by those who haven't gone through post partum depression.
And what a sharp contrast my feelings are now. I'm not sure if the tears I cried when I was reading were because I was remembering or because I was so thankful that I made it through that alive and have come out the other side. I'm not sure it matters.
4/29/2008
4/28/2008
First Year Photos
Here are the first year photos we got taken of our Bailey on Saturday. Can you believe that she is almost a year old???
Long and Rambling
I've become a bad blogger again. After keeping up with this at least once a day for a while, I got lost in real life again!
I'm back, but I must say that I will probably not be back every day. A big change is happening at work. I am one of two coordinators in an office of four. There is my boss - our manager - me and CJ (the two coordinators) and then Morrice - our assistant.
Well, CJ is scheduled to be induced to have her baby on May 3rd. She is planning to work Monday - Thursday of this week. After Thursday, I'm on my own. Because of the economic slowdown, the firm is not going to replace her in any capacity (unless of course you count my overtime as replacing CJ). I'm going to spend the next 16 weeks working my ass off.
Not that I mind or begrudge her the time with her daughter (of course), but it will effect my reality.
Anyway - the point of that is to say that I'm gonna be busy...super busy.
We had some unexpected downtime this weekend. Bailey hasn't been feeling well and yesterday she took a 3 hour nap. Seriously. Got up at around 7:15 and then went back to bed for 3 hours at 9:30. For the first hour and a half, Kelly and I worked frantically to get stuff done. I was washing our sheets and scrubbing our bathroom (something that SORELY needed to be done). I try to do that while she is sleeping because I use all kinds of chemicals (I know, I know...but they make me feel cleaner, if I'm not!). As I was madly scrubbing away, she never woke up.
Eventually, Kelly finished her banking stuff and moved on to grilling lunch. I finished the bathroom and then we remade the bed. She grilled while I showered. Still, no Bailey. I went downstairs after my shower (which wasn't short), and did the dishes, cleaned up her toys and got her lunch ready. Kelly grilled 3 packages of soy hot dogs and 16 turkey burgers (we all love them, they are healthy, quick and low fat!). Still, no Bailey.
FINALLY, just as I was finishing prepping lunch, Bailey woke up.
It's funny because there was never really a minute where to stopped to relax. It felt like an unexpected gift to get a bunch of shit done...but not really relaxing. And we missed her the entire time. We kept asking each other - "have you heard her yet?" When she finally woke up, we were so happy!!!
She slept all night, straight through and is just now waking up. Literally, 13 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I can't remember what that feels like!
I'm back, but I must say that I will probably not be back every day. A big change is happening at work. I am one of two coordinators in an office of four. There is my boss - our manager - me and CJ (the two coordinators) and then Morrice - our assistant.
Well, CJ is scheduled to be induced to have her baby on May 3rd. She is planning to work Monday - Thursday of this week. After Thursday, I'm on my own. Because of the economic slowdown, the firm is not going to replace her in any capacity (unless of course you count my overtime as replacing CJ). I'm going to spend the next 16 weeks working my ass off.
Not that I mind or begrudge her the time with her daughter (of course), but it will effect my reality.
Anyway - the point of that is to say that I'm gonna be busy...super busy.
We had some unexpected downtime this weekend. Bailey hasn't been feeling well and yesterday she took a 3 hour nap. Seriously. Got up at around 7:15 and then went back to bed for 3 hours at 9:30. For the first hour and a half, Kelly and I worked frantically to get stuff done. I was washing our sheets and scrubbing our bathroom (something that SORELY needed to be done). I try to do that while she is sleeping because I use all kinds of chemicals (I know, I know...but they make me feel cleaner, if I'm not!). As I was madly scrubbing away, she never woke up.
Eventually, Kelly finished her banking stuff and moved on to grilling lunch. I finished the bathroom and then we remade the bed. She grilled while I showered. Still, no Bailey. I went downstairs after my shower (which wasn't short), and did the dishes, cleaned up her toys and got her lunch ready. Kelly grilled 3 packages of soy hot dogs and 16 turkey burgers (we all love them, they are healthy, quick and low fat!). Still, no Bailey.
FINALLY, just as I was finishing prepping lunch, Bailey woke up.
It's funny because there was never really a minute where to stopped to relax. It felt like an unexpected gift to get a bunch of shit done...but not really relaxing. And we missed her the entire time. We kept asking each other - "have you heard her yet?" When she finally woke up, we were so happy!!!
She slept all night, straight through and is just now waking up. Literally, 13 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I can't remember what that feels like!
4/23/2008
I'm Grateful
It seems like it's time for another list of what I am grateful for:
1) We can afford our mortgage. In a time when many, many people are having to foreclose, we are still doing alright, even with two car payments and a new baby.
2) Our jobs are economy-proof. Again, this means a lot right now.
3) We can still afford to contribute 10% of our income to retirement.
4) Retirement is still an option for us.
5) Our health insurance, life insurance, vision insurance, dental insurance and all the other perks of working for a major corporation and a government agency are still in tact.
6) We are all healthy.
7) Most of the people that I know are being sheltered from the worst of the financial recession that nobody will call a recession.
8) We can choose to travel if we want too.
9) We can still afford to buy fresh fruit, fresh veggies and organic dairy products.
10) Our families are healthy and happy.
11) We're going to become Aunts again (Congratulations, Jodie and Thomas!!)
12) We have each other - come what may, we have each other.
There are a million other things I'm grateful for, but I see the kind of toll that the economic downturn is having on many people. I watch folks who just can't make the ends meet any more and I am so grateful that we are not in that position. Don't get me wrong - we're not rolling in the dough by any means. But we can afford our choices and that means something. It's something I am proud of (because we've made good choices) and it's something I am grateful for (because even when you make good choices, life is not always that simple).
1) We can afford our mortgage. In a time when many, many people are having to foreclose, we are still doing alright, even with two car payments and a new baby.
2) Our jobs are economy-proof. Again, this means a lot right now.
3) We can still afford to contribute 10% of our income to retirement.
4) Retirement is still an option for us.
5) Our health insurance, life insurance, vision insurance, dental insurance and all the other perks of working for a major corporation and a government agency are still in tact.
6) We are all healthy.
7) Most of the people that I know are being sheltered from the worst of the financial recession that nobody will call a recession.
8) We can choose to travel if we want too.
9) We can still afford to buy fresh fruit, fresh veggies and organic dairy products.
10) Our families are healthy and happy.
11) We're going to become Aunts again (Congratulations, Jodie and Thomas!!)
12) We have each other - come what may, we have each other.
There are a million other things I'm grateful for, but I see the kind of toll that the economic downturn is having on many people. I watch folks who just can't make the ends meet any more and I am so grateful that we are not in that position. Don't get me wrong - we're not rolling in the dough by any means. But we can afford our choices and that means something. It's something I am proud of (because we've made good choices) and it's something I am grateful for (because even when you make good choices, life is not always that simple).
4/22/2008
Ray of Sunshine
Wow...Bailey has just taken a 180 degree turn from the baby she was in her first three months. You remember - the dreaded crying days.
She is now such a little love. She smiles and giggles all the time. She is friendly, excited and happy most of the time. The few times that she isn't are directly related to food or sleep (usually, she needs one or the other). She is incredibly smart. She is funny and inquisitive. She is actually pretty easy going - she doesn't mind running errands all day and she's fine with being at day care. She's good with people. Her development is either on track or beyond.
God, she's just such a perfect child right now. I wouldn't mind freezing time and enjoying this a bit longer. I know she'll change at some point. Next week will bring a whole new version of this child that I love so much. Kelly and I are fine with that...but man, we both just love the little baby that she is now and the little girl that she is becoming.
THIS is the part of parenting that I dreamed about for years.
She is now such a little love. She smiles and giggles all the time. She is friendly, excited and happy most of the time. The few times that she isn't are directly related to food or sleep (usually, she needs one or the other). She is incredibly smart. She is funny and inquisitive. She is actually pretty easy going - she doesn't mind running errands all day and she's fine with being at day care. She's good with people. Her development is either on track or beyond.
God, she's just such a perfect child right now. I wouldn't mind freezing time and enjoying this a bit longer. I know she'll change at some point. Next week will bring a whole new version of this child that I love so much. Kelly and I are fine with that...but man, we both just love the little baby that she is now and the little girl that she is becoming.
THIS is the part of parenting that I dreamed about for years.
4/21/2008
B's First Birthday Party
That's right. Even though our ticker still hasn't ticked off her first birthday, Bailey's party was this past weekend.
My mom, my best friend and my brother were in town for the festivities and helped me and Kelly throw a rockin' good party.
Good lord. What a bunch of work!!!
BUT, it was exactly what we wanted it to be. There were a few kids, one baby (our favorite little boy, Danny and his two moms) and lots of our neighbors and friends. Bailey was inundated with lots of new toys to play with and Sunday night I made the switch (boxed up too-young toys, moved older toys upstairs for evening play, and set out her new toys downstairs for frequent exploration).
Andrea (my best friend) and I made a wonderful birthday cake that was the highlight of the event. It was a large circle with a star shaped cake on top. We frosted with vanilla and then covered the cake in primary colored fondant stars. I have pictures, of course, and will post them later. I feel like it was the best part of the party...
Bailey did great - she loved the crowds, loved having people around, loved opening presents, loved her first taste of real sugar (she got her own mini star cake) and didn't seem at all upset by the loud singing. I wasn't surprised about that though...she loves the crowds.
By the time the house cleared out, it was too late to put her down for a nap, so we kept her up until 6:30. We brought her upstairs and did her bath and gave her the bottle. She fell asleep in my arms for the first time in many months (she usually puts herself to sleep in her crib after crying for a few minutes). She didn't wake up when I stood up and snuggled close when I hugged her. She slept solid for 13 hours. Poor, tired girl!!!
She was an absolute dream. No tears, no fear...just all smiles and happy baby joy.
All in all, it was very successful. I'm glad it's over for this year, but it was a great first birthday!
My mom, my best friend and my brother were in town for the festivities and helped me and Kelly throw a rockin' good party.
Good lord. What a bunch of work!!!
BUT, it was exactly what we wanted it to be. There were a few kids, one baby (our favorite little boy, Danny and his two moms) and lots of our neighbors and friends. Bailey was inundated with lots of new toys to play with and Sunday night I made the switch (boxed up too-young toys, moved older toys upstairs for evening play, and set out her new toys downstairs for frequent exploration).
Andrea (my best friend) and I made a wonderful birthday cake that was the highlight of the event. It was a large circle with a star shaped cake on top. We frosted with vanilla and then covered the cake in primary colored fondant stars. I have pictures, of course, and will post them later. I feel like it was the best part of the party...
Bailey did great - she loved the crowds, loved having people around, loved opening presents, loved her first taste of real sugar (she got her own mini star cake) and didn't seem at all upset by the loud singing. I wasn't surprised about that though...she loves the crowds.
By the time the house cleared out, it was too late to put her down for a nap, so we kept her up until 6:30. We brought her upstairs and did her bath and gave her the bottle. She fell asleep in my arms for the first time in many months (she usually puts herself to sleep in her crib after crying for a few minutes). She didn't wake up when I stood up and snuggled close when I hugged her. She slept solid for 13 hours. Poor, tired girl!!!
She was an absolute dream. No tears, no fear...just all smiles and happy baby joy.
All in all, it was very successful. I'm glad it's over for this year, but it was a great first birthday!
4/15/2008
Been A While
Phew...so much has happened since I last wrote and I haven't had any time to sit and post.
Briefly (because there are a million things to do today), I'll try to fill you in.
1) I'm on vacation. Last week M-Thur. was complete hell. Work was exhausting and wretchedly busy with my boss and my coworker out two days with a nasty stomach flu and me preparing to be on vacation. Ugg. Makes me shiver just to think about how rough it was.
2) On Thursday night, some of my oldest and dearest friends flew in from Maine with their daughter. We spent Friday playing tourist on the National Mall - did the entire loop and then spent some time at the Natural History Museum. Saturday found us in Baltimore enjoying the Inner Harbor and the Maryland Science Museum and then the Melting Pot for dinner. Sunday was spent at the Zoo. Monday was Spy Museum day. All the time in between was a ton of laughs, many bottles of wine, lots of fantastic conversation and very little sleep. We had a fantastic time. And I think they did too. I think they left exhausted...but with lots of good experiences. I can't wait to see you guys again!!!! I love you!
3) Today, I'm alone. Tonight, I pick up my Mom and Andrea from the airport. I need to spend the rest of the day cleaning up the house, getting the guest room cleaned and the bed remade. I need to clean the bathrooms. I need to finish the laundry. Lots of "need to".
4) Kelly and I are finally getting prepared for Bailey's birthday party. It will be on Saturday and it's gonna be so much fun! We are having it a bit early so that my Mom and Andrea can be present. We have picked a theme and one night this week we're going out to get all the stuff that we need. I have a vision and it's going to be SOOOO awesome!! Because many of the folks who read this are coming, I can't share too much...
Okay. Well. That doesn't seem like a lot. But I'm exhausted!!!! I can't wait for Mom and Andrea to be here. They will happily occupy our little girl's time and give me some time off my feet, off baby duty and just time to relax. I can't wait...seriously.
Pictures and more news to come!
Briefly (because there are a million things to do today), I'll try to fill you in.
1) I'm on vacation. Last week M-Thur. was complete hell. Work was exhausting and wretchedly busy with my boss and my coworker out two days with a nasty stomach flu and me preparing to be on vacation. Ugg. Makes me shiver just to think about how rough it was.
2) On Thursday night, some of my oldest and dearest friends flew in from Maine with their daughter. We spent Friday playing tourist on the National Mall - did the entire loop and then spent some time at the Natural History Museum. Saturday found us in Baltimore enjoying the Inner Harbor and the Maryland Science Museum and then the Melting Pot for dinner. Sunday was spent at the Zoo. Monday was Spy Museum day. All the time in between was a ton of laughs, many bottles of wine, lots of fantastic conversation and very little sleep. We had a fantastic time. And I think they did too. I think they left exhausted...but with lots of good experiences. I can't wait to see you guys again!!!! I love you!
3) Today, I'm alone. Tonight, I pick up my Mom and Andrea from the airport. I need to spend the rest of the day cleaning up the house, getting the guest room cleaned and the bed remade. I need to clean the bathrooms. I need to finish the laundry. Lots of "need to".
4) Kelly and I are finally getting prepared for Bailey's birthday party. It will be on Saturday and it's gonna be so much fun! We are having it a bit early so that my Mom and Andrea can be present. We have picked a theme and one night this week we're going out to get all the stuff that we need. I have a vision and it's going to be SOOOO awesome!! Because many of the folks who read this are coming, I can't share too much...
Okay. Well. That doesn't seem like a lot. But I'm exhausted!!!! I can't wait for Mom and Andrea to be here. They will happily occupy our little girl's time and give me some time off my feet, off baby duty and just time to relax. I can't wait...seriously.
Pictures and more news to come!
4/08/2008
It All Winds Together
I know that my last post was probably hard for some people to read. It's never easy to talk about sexual assault or any kind of abuse. It's even harder, I think, when the person describing it is willing to put it all out there in a cold, unpadded way.
I shared the story for many of the same reasons that I blog. One - because I think it's nice to have a written record of life. I've kept a journal for years and while this started as a pregnancy blog, it's evolved into many of the stories that define who I am and what my life is.
Second - I think that it is important to talk about this stuff. Many people don't. It sits inside and it eats them up. Or they just don't think it's appropriate to share. But I have always believed, and will continue to believe, that shedding light on any matter makes the matter more clear. I have to talk, to think through, to feel my ways along the twisted paths of emotion. I always, eventually, find the truth. Perhaps not the truth that would work for everyone, but the truth for me, in my life, as a woman.
The story of my father defined many parts of my life and while it makes me angry, I have to accept that it will continue to effect me. I hope that it will not continue to define who I am, but rather will aid in shaping my future. The act will only lose it's power if I talk it through and allow the emotions to have their place.
I'm not afraid of anger. I'm not afraid of sadness or depression. No more than I am afraid of being happy and at peace. I recognize, though years of self exploration, that all emotions have their place and the only emotion that I fear is numbness. I have been numb before. I've have experienced pain so great that I wanted to die. That is what I fear.
Each new event in my life, each new sunrise, each new breath that I take changes me and shifts the subtle patterns of my life. Some things, like the rape I experienced as a child, never shifts comfortably. It will always hurt when it finds a new place in my experience. Other things wrap themselves around me in a way that comforts, protects and brings peace. My love for Kelly is that way. My love for our daughter is that way.
The only thing that I know for certain is that my life will continue to evolve. I'll never be "at peace" in the way that some people are. I allow emotion in and I CHOOSE to feel it to the fullest. I accept that my life will be a series of highs and lows because of that choice. I recognize that some people may find me exhausting or "too much". I will forever be labeled a drama queen because most people cannot find the words to describe me in any other way. And I'll keep talking. I'll keep experiencing my world in a way that is extreme to some.
For me, it is not extreme. It is proof that I am alive. That my father didn't destroy my ability to feel and love and hurt and grow. That my experiences, however traumatic, are NOT the sum total of who I am. Every day that I am able to experience emotion, I am reminded that I am human, that my heart is still functioning and that my soul is able to keep on moving forward.
This is my truth as I know it.
I shared the story for many of the same reasons that I blog. One - because I think it's nice to have a written record of life. I've kept a journal for years and while this started as a pregnancy blog, it's evolved into many of the stories that define who I am and what my life is.
Second - I think that it is important to talk about this stuff. Many people don't. It sits inside and it eats them up. Or they just don't think it's appropriate to share. But I have always believed, and will continue to believe, that shedding light on any matter makes the matter more clear. I have to talk, to think through, to feel my ways along the twisted paths of emotion. I always, eventually, find the truth. Perhaps not the truth that would work for everyone, but the truth for me, in my life, as a woman.
The story of my father defined many parts of my life and while it makes me angry, I have to accept that it will continue to effect me. I hope that it will not continue to define who I am, but rather will aid in shaping my future. The act will only lose it's power if I talk it through and allow the emotions to have their place.
I'm not afraid of anger. I'm not afraid of sadness or depression. No more than I am afraid of being happy and at peace. I recognize, though years of self exploration, that all emotions have their place and the only emotion that I fear is numbness. I have been numb before. I've have experienced pain so great that I wanted to die. That is what I fear.
Each new event in my life, each new sunrise, each new breath that I take changes me and shifts the subtle patterns of my life. Some things, like the rape I experienced as a child, never shifts comfortably. It will always hurt when it finds a new place in my experience. Other things wrap themselves around me in a way that comforts, protects and brings peace. My love for Kelly is that way. My love for our daughter is that way.
The only thing that I know for certain is that my life will continue to evolve. I'll never be "at peace" in the way that some people are. I allow emotion in and I CHOOSE to feel it to the fullest. I accept that my life will be a series of highs and lows because of that choice. I recognize that some people may find me exhausting or "too much". I will forever be labeled a drama queen because most people cannot find the words to describe me in any other way. And I'll keep talking. I'll keep experiencing my world in a way that is extreme to some.
For me, it is not extreme. It is proof that I am alive. That my father didn't destroy my ability to feel and love and hurt and grow. That my experiences, however traumatic, are NOT the sum total of who I am. Every day that I am able to experience emotion, I am reminded that I am human, that my heart is still functioning and that my soul is able to keep on moving forward.
This is my truth as I know it.
4/07/2008
A Bit Of History
This post may disturb some people, so please, read with caution.
When I was 7 years old, my father raped me on Father's Day night. We had spent the day with him at my Mami and Grampa's house (his mother and father). He left us with them while he went to a party in the evening. When he came home, drunk and all fucked up on cocaine, he did shit to me that no father should ever do to their daughter. The next night, after being safely returned home to my mother, I told her what happened. After contacting all the right authorities, I spent a good long time talking to the DA, testifying before a Grand Jury and then eventually being prepped to testify against my father in court. The night before the trial, he plead guilty and was given a year of prison time and was told that he could have no contact with any children (including us) for three years. He served 4 months and was let out. I never heard from him again, although I have seen him a couple of times since then. I was seven years old.
My mom got me in very good therapy, and through the years, I've been back a number of times. I can't remember if it was one of those therapists or if it was my mother...but someone told me once that I would deal with the sexual assult over and over again...because each new phase of my life would bring it back in a different way.
I am fat because of what happened to me when I was kid. While my father was fucking me, he was calling me his sweet "little" girl. To this day, when I lose weight, I feel powerless and weak. I have tried and tried and tried - and will continue to try - to work through this and find the key that will empower me to overcome this.
Through my teenage years, I had sex with everyone who would have sex with me. I couldn't seperate true affection from sexual gratification. I never really even knew what sexual gratification was. I thought that sex was supposed to feel bad. I thought crying after sex was just what people did. Worse, I had no understanding of what my body was worth or why it shouldn't just be somebody else's fuck toy.
It wasn't until I met Kelly that I learned what it feels like to be touched by someone who loves me. And being loved by this incredible woman, both physically and emotionally, has healed many scars. Kelly is at the root of much of what has healed since that time.
But now I have a child. More to the point, I have a daughter. And for the first time I am experiencing the one emotion that has alluded me until now.
Anger.
And not just any anger. But ferocious, burning hot fury that bubbles up from inside of me and makes me want to kill the man that is half of my DNA.
If I could be detached and clinical I would. I am grateful now that I will never see him, because I am not sure that I could contain this anger.
I look at my daughter - at her beautiful body and her innocence. I watch her at night as I bath her, as I put lotion on her. I touch her skin and I smell her hair and I am as intimate with her as I have ever been with another human being.
I think about the blind faith that she has in me and in Kelly. The complete trust that goes beyond the word.
And then I remember that when I was begging to be the one that got to share Daddy's bed, that is the kind of trust that I had. When he first wanted to "snuggle" I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. When he suggested that I was hot and that I should take off my clothes, I never once thought that I should be afraid. And in the few minutes that it took for him to commit the most violent act you can commit against a child, my whole fucking world was shattered.
I grew up in a second. I lost what innocence I had left. I learned many, many lessons that night - and I will spend the rest of my life combatting the effects of what my father did to me.
I spent years worried about having a child. I would tell my therapists that I was afraid that I would be a perpatrator. What if I did what my father did to me? I carried that fear about with me until the day that my daughter was born from my body. Holding her, in that crazy, drugged-out state that I was in, my first thought was "I could never hurt you." In a second, years of worry were erased and I knew that I would fucking kill anyone that ever did what was done to me.
I wonder how long this will last. Will it fade? I used to think that I had forgiven my father. That the miserable, drug-eroded life that he lives was punishment enough for what he did to me. And then, I look at my daughter and I see myself. And I fucking hate him. I hate him more than I have ever hated another human being.
When I was 7 years old, my father raped me on Father's Day night. We had spent the day with him at my Mami and Grampa's house (his mother and father). He left us with them while he went to a party in the evening. When he came home, drunk and all fucked up on cocaine, he did shit to me that no father should ever do to their daughter. The next night, after being safely returned home to my mother, I told her what happened. After contacting all the right authorities, I spent a good long time talking to the DA, testifying before a Grand Jury and then eventually being prepped to testify against my father in court. The night before the trial, he plead guilty and was given a year of prison time and was told that he could have no contact with any children (including us) for three years. He served 4 months and was let out. I never heard from him again, although I have seen him a couple of times since then. I was seven years old.
My mom got me in very good therapy, and through the years, I've been back a number of times. I can't remember if it was one of those therapists or if it was my mother...but someone told me once that I would deal with the sexual assult over and over again...because each new phase of my life would bring it back in a different way.
I am fat because of what happened to me when I was kid. While my father was fucking me, he was calling me his sweet "little" girl. To this day, when I lose weight, I feel powerless and weak. I have tried and tried and tried - and will continue to try - to work through this and find the key that will empower me to overcome this.
Through my teenage years, I had sex with everyone who would have sex with me. I couldn't seperate true affection from sexual gratification. I never really even knew what sexual gratification was. I thought that sex was supposed to feel bad. I thought crying after sex was just what people did. Worse, I had no understanding of what my body was worth or why it shouldn't just be somebody else's fuck toy.
It wasn't until I met Kelly that I learned what it feels like to be touched by someone who loves me. And being loved by this incredible woman, both physically and emotionally, has healed many scars. Kelly is at the root of much of what has healed since that time.
But now I have a child. More to the point, I have a daughter. And for the first time I am experiencing the one emotion that has alluded me until now.
Anger.
And not just any anger. But ferocious, burning hot fury that bubbles up from inside of me and makes me want to kill the man that is half of my DNA.
If I could be detached and clinical I would. I am grateful now that I will never see him, because I am not sure that I could contain this anger.
I look at my daughter - at her beautiful body and her innocence. I watch her at night as I bath her, as I put lotion on her. I touch her skin and I smell her hair and I am as intimate with her as I have ever been with another human being.
I think about the blind faith that she has in me and in Kelly. The complete trust that goes beyond the word.
And then I remember that when I was begging to be the one that got to share Daddy's bed, that is the kind of trust that I had. When he first wanted to "snuggle" I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. When he suggested that I was hot and that I should take off my clothes, I never once thought that I should be afraid. And in the few minutes that it took for him to commit the most violent act you can commit against a child, my whole fucking world was shattered.
I grew up in a second. I lost what innocence I had left. I learned many, many lessons that night - and I will spend the rest of my life combatting the effects of what my father did to me.
I spent years worried about having a child. I would tell my therapists that I was afraid that I would be a perpatrator. What if I did what my father did to me? I carried that fear about with me until the day that my daughter was born from my body. Holding her, in that crazy, drugged-out state that I was in, my first thought was "I could never hurt you." In a second, years of worry were erased and I knew that I would fucking kill anyone that ever did what was done to me.
I wonder how long this will last. Will it fade? I used to think that I had forgiven my father. That the miserable, drug-eroded life that he lives was punishment enough for what he did to me. And then, I look at my daughter and I see myself. And I fucking hate him. I hate him more than I have ever hated another human being.
New Videos and Photos
Playtime with Mommy
Bath Time Fun
Peekaboo Baby
Mommy & Bailey at the Kite Festival
At the Kite Festival
Sunburned Baby
Brushing Her Teeth
Brushing Momma's Teeth
Momma & Bailey
COOKIE!!!
Love the Giraffe!
She Got My Curls
Walking
Helping Mommy
WAHOO! TAPE!
Bath Time Fun
Peekaboo Baby
Mommy & Bailey at the Kite Festival
At the Kite Festival
Sunburned Baby
Brushing Her Teeth
Brushing Momma's Teeth
Momma & Bailey
COOKIE!!!
Love the Giraffe!
She Got My Curls
Walking
Helping Mommy
WAHOO! TAPE!
4/03/2008
Finally!
Finally, our baby girl is getting some more teeth. Her top two teeth are pushing through. We can only assume that explains her unusual fussiness and inability to sleep comfortably. Poor baby. She's also snotty and coughing a lot right now...so maybe another cold.
10:30 last night found us waiting for the Tylenol to kick in so that we could all get some much needed sleep.
Here's to more teeth!
10:30 last night found us waiting for the Tylenol to kick in so that we could all get some much needed sleep.
Here's to more teeth!
4/02/2008
Orange is Her Color
Orange is emerging as Bailey's favorite color. Here are the clues:
1) Her first orange onsie the she ever owned was met with extreme excitment when she first saw it. Ooohhh and ahhhh and lots of clapping.
2) She always picks orange when presented with many colors. It is the one that she points to.
3) She says orange...or at least, the baby version of it. It's at least recognizable as an "orange" attempt.
Yellow is a strong second. She could care less about the other colors.
1) Her first orange onsie the she ever owned was met with extreme excitment when she first saw it. Ooohhh and ahhhh and lots of clapping.
2) She always picks orange when presented with many colors. It is the one that she points to.
3) She says orange...or at least, the baby version of it. It's at least recognizable as an "orange" attempt.
Yellow is a strong second. She could care less about the other colors.
4/01/2008
New Kids On The Block
My whole freakin' month has been made by the simple little statement that the New Kids on the Block are reuniting!!!!!
HOLY SHIT! Do you know how happy this makes me???
I am a total junkie. I will go to their concert, even it if sucks. I am going to get the CD's and start listening again. I lived in a room with wallpapered walls - all New Kids for year.
I'm so happy. Happy, happy, happy, happy!!!!
BRING ON MY BOYS!!!!
HOLY SHIT! Do you know how happy this makes me???
I am a total junkie. I will go to their concert, even it if sucks. I am going to get the CD's and start listening again. I lived in a room with wallpapered walls - all New Kids for year.
I'm so happy. Happy, happy, happy, happy!!!!
BRING ON MY BOYS!!!!
3/30/2008
Sunburn
We failed. We took Bailey downtown yesterday to the Kite Festival and to see the Cherry Blossoms. And like very, very bad parents we forgot sunscreen. Thank god it was cold and she was covered from head to toe. The only thing that got burned is her face, and while it is pretty red, it's not horrible. She is acting like nothing happened - no chills, no soreness when we touch it. It appears that we got off easy on this one...lesson WELL learned, without too much pain.
Of course, we feel like shit about it. Our house is now equipped with SPF 8 for Kelly, SPF 30 for me and SPF 50 for Bailey. My face got burned too.
We had a wonderful time, though. We met up with Maverick Mama and her son (who is absolutely adorable!!!). We walked, talked and were surrounded by thousands of other people doing the same thing. Bailey got so exhausted by it that she fell asleep in her stroller, leaning over the edge, looking at the ground. Very, very cute!!!! She is such an extrovert. Loves the crowds.
It was a long day and when we got home and got Bailey down, I did all the weekly shopping and Kelly painted the guest bedroom.
Needless to say, we didn't spend a lot of time just relaxing yesterday. So far today, we've been cleaning and just hanging out. We'll go out at some point. Bailey isn't napping so she's kind of clingy.
Anyway. Enough randomness! Below are some new videos!
Walking
Our Bubbles Playing with Bubbles
Of course, we feel like shit about it. Our house is now equipped with SPF 8 for Kelly, SPF 30 for me and SPF 50 for Bailey. My face got burned too.
We had a wonderful time, though. We met up with Maverick Mama and her son (who is absolutely adorable!!!). We walked, talked and were surrounded by thousands of other people doing the same thing. Bailey got so exhausted by it that she fell asleep in her stroller, leaning over the edge, looking at the ground. Very, very cute!!!! She is such an extrovert. Loves the crowds.
It was a long day and when we got home and got Bailey down, I did all the weekly shopping and Kelly painted the guest bedroom.
Needless to say, we didn't spend a lot of time just relaxing yesterday. So far today, we've been cleaning and just hanging out. We'll go out at some point. Bailey isn't napping so she's kind of clingy.
Anyway. Enough randomness! Below are some new videos!
Walking
Our Bubbles Playing with Bubbles
3/28/2008
Random Thoughts
I had a lot of expecations when I was on my way to becoming a Momma. I had all kinds of standards and all kinds of "rules" that would be followed. Oh yes, I was a judgemental bitch when people did things that I thought were not good for their kids.
So, first, let me just apologize to anyone who may have been subjected to one of my rants about "how it is" and "how it's going to be." All I can say is that I had no clue then. And I have a big fucking clue now.
See, what happened is that nothing happened the way I anticipated. Nothing. From the second that I got pregnant, Bailey began to dismantle my expectations and replace them with my reality. First being sick, then being sicker, than being miserable, then...on and on and on. Nothing - not one thing - has been as I expected it to be.
And I was THAT girl. You know. The one who demanded that things were going to be just as I wanted them and that I would make it fit. And further more, if you did something different or insisted that it wasn't always so easy, I was certain you were a shitty parent and that I could do it better. I admit it. I sucked.
Well...okay, maybe not. But I was mis-informed.
Now, I look at the love of our lives and I realize that, while I still may be judgemental, I've come a long, long way. I don't think feeding your kids Pop Tarts is the right thing to do. And I'm willing to say that I won't let Bailey have them. But, I can at least recognize that some parents have different battles to fight. Some parents don't care about the issue of food. Food happens to be something that I care deeply about. One lesson I've learned is that what is important to me as a parent isn't always important to the people around me. Nor should it be.
Another lesson I've learned - I'm not always right. That was a hard one for me to learn. Really hard. Still is hard to admit. But I do accept that my method of parenting isn't the best. I would argue that it is the best method for Bailey - because it has been tested, adapted, tested and readapted to fit her personality...but it's not the method of parenting that everyone should use. A coworker recently told me that I should write a book about parenting and I laughed. I realized in that moment that he couldn't tell the difference between honest knowledge and just someone willing to talk about what I know. I reminded him that I have no "insider" knowledge. That I'm just some girl with lots of opinions trying to raise our daughter. That's it. Nothing really to write about there. That I'm willing to talk about my opinions may set me out from the rest, but it doesn't validate everything that comes out of my mouth.
I've definately been wrong. I've made all kinds of mistakes in this. Kelly and I have had to have some very frank conversations when one of us acts in a way that the other isn't comfortable with. We've adjusted. We've worked together. We've fought and we've figured out what works for Bailey.
We still do. Every day we change our methods. Every day we take it one step at a time.
The biggest lesson I've learned in all of this is that nothing is ever going to be the way that I expect it to be. Most of the time, our life is going to twist and turn in the breezes of the choices that we make, the people that we are and the child that Bailey is becoming.
My goal now is simply to be flexible. To go with it. To try to understand when people make choices that I disagree with and to spend a few minutes actually thinking about their choice in their life, rather than try to rationalize their choice through my own.
Funny how parenting has changed me in some very important ways. In ways that I never expected but am truly thankful for. I think I'm a better person now...and only getting better!
So, first, let me just apologize to anyone who may have been subjected to one of my rants about "how it is" and "how it's going to be." All I can say is that I had no clue then. And I have a big fucking clue now.
See, what happened is that nothing happened the way I anticipated. Nothing. From the second that I got pregnant, Bailey began to dismantle my expectations and replace them with my reality. First being sick, then being sicker, than being miserable, then...on and on and on. Nothing - not one thing - has been as I expected it to be.
And I was THAT girl. You know. The one who demanded that things were going to be just as I wanted them and that I would make it fit. And further more, if you did something different or insisted that it wasn't always so easy, I was certain you were a shitty parent and that I could do it better. I admit it. I sucked.
Well...okay, maybe not. But I was mis-informed.
Now, I look at the love of our lives and I realize that, while I still may be judgemental, I've come a long, long way. I don't think feeding your kids Pop Tarts is the right thing to do. And I'm willing to say that I won't let Bailey have them. But, I can at least recognize that some parents have different battles to fight. Some parents don't care about the issue of food. Food happens to be something that I care deeply about. One lesson I've learned is that what is important to me as a parent isn't always important to the people around me. Nor should it be.
Another lesson I've learned - I'm not always right. That was a hard one for me to learn. Really hard. Still is hard to admit. But I do accept that my method of parenting isn't the best. I would argue that it is the best method for Bailey - because it has been tested, adapted, tested and readapted to fit her personality...but it's not the method of parenting that everyone should use. A coworker recently told me that I should write a book about parenting and I laughed. I realized in that moment that he couldn't tell the difference between honest knowledge and just someone willing to talk about what I know. I reminded him that I have no "insider" knowledge. That I'm just some girl with lots of opinions trying to raise our daughter. That's it. Nothing really to write about there. That I'm willing to talk about my opinions may set me out from the rest, but it doesn't validate everything that comes out of my mouth.
I've definately been wrong. I've made all kinds of mistakes in this. Kelly and I have had to have some very frank conversations when one of us acts in a way that the other isn't comfortable with. We've adjusted. We've worked together. We've fought and we've figured out what works for Bailey.
We still do. Every day we change our methods. Every day we take it one step at a time.
The biggest lesson I've learned in all of this is that nothing is ever going to be the way that I expect it to be. Most of the time, our life is going to twist and turn in the breezes of the choices that we make, the people that we are and the child that Bailey is becoming.
My goal now is simply to be flexible. To go with it. To try to understand when people make choices that I disagree with and to spend a few minutes actually thinking about their choice in their life, rather than try to rationalize their choice through my own.
Funny how parenting has changed me in some very important ways. In ways that I never expected but am truly thankful for. I think I'm a better person now...and only getting better!
3/27/2008
Daycare Drama
Sometimes I wonder how it is that your average daycare provider can be so stupid.
I'm being unfair.
We've moved Bailey to just one bottle during the day. We have a feeding schedule for her. All they have to do is finish her breakfast when she arrives (we start it before we leave), then feed her lunch #1 around 11 AM, lunch #2 around 2:30 or so and give her one bottle in between the two lunches. And she can have snacks (cherrioes, graham crackers...the organic, no sugar ones that we provide) anytime she wants. And water all day. Lots of water.
For the past two days they have managed to fuck that up. They keep giving her a second bottle at 2:30 or three instead of her food. Because it is easier for them to feed her a bottle.
Well, we've set them straight. Twice now. We'll see if she get a bottle or food this afternoon. If they give her a second bottle today, I'm taking the problem to the director.
I'm being unfair.
We've moved Bailey to just one bottle during the day. We have a feeding schedule for her. All they have to do is finish her breakfast when she arrives (we start it before we leave), then feed her lunch #1 around 11 AM, lunch #2 around 2:30 or so and give her one bottle in between the two lunches. And she can have snacks (cherrioes, graham crackers...the organic, no sugar ones that we provide) anytime she wants. And water all day. Lots of water.
For the past two days they have managed to fuck that up. They keep giving her a second bottle at 2:30 or three instead of her food. Because it is easier for them to feed her a bottle.
Well, we've set them straight. Twice now. We'll see if she get a bottle or food this afternoon. If they give her a second bottle today, I'm taking the problem to the director.
3/26/2008
Feeling Blah
Yesterday and today I have been struck with some weird ailment. It's the same thing that Kelly and Bailey had last week. I'm not sick, but my body aches like I am. And the ever-present tummy gurgling and rushing trips to the potty. But that is it. No fever. No real sickness that would justify taking some time off work.
Anyway.
Just a couple more weeks until my friends and then my family come to visit. I'll have a total of 10 days off work, and I can't wait! I need the break.
We've weened Bailey down to three bottles a day - for a total of 22 ounces. She drinks lots of water in between and is currently eating like a horse. She must be going through another growth spurt. Or maybe it is the walking. She walks every where she goes now, so perhaps it is the increased calories being burned. She's definately getting longer - her legs are losing some of those thick rolls that have been around since her birth. She looks so much like a little girl. Her hair is getting impossible too. It's just long enough to be a pain in the ass, but not long enough yet to put up. But, oh, the curls are so sweet!
Funny, we said that we wanted a little girl with my curls and Kelly's eyes. We got her.
The Easter Bunny brought Bailey some bath toys and some "First Marks" paints. She absolutely loves the bath toys and plays when them every night. We got her some bath crayons and we had a fantastic time playing with them. Bailey couldn't figure them out. Same with the paints. She still puts everything in her mouth at least once, and wasn't really happy when she did that with the paints. Or rather, I wasn't really happy and that made her unhappy. She managed to smash the tips on the paper a couple of times creating big splotchy dots...but really, Kelly and I enjoyed ourselves more than she did. But it was fun!
Anyway.
Just a couple more weeks until my friends and then my family come to visit. I'll have a total of 10 days off work, and I can't wait! I need the break.
We've weened Bailey down to three bottles a day - for a total of 22 ounces. She drinks lots of water in between and is currently eating like a horse. She must be going through another growth spurt. Or maybe it is the walking. She walks every where she goes now, so perhaps it is the increased calories being burned. She's definately getting longer - her legs are losing some of those thick rolls that have been around since her birth. She looks so much like a little girl. Her hair is getting impossible too. It's just long enough to be a pain in the ass, but not long enough yet to put up. But, oh, the curls are so sweet!
Funny, we said that we wanted a little girl with my curls and Kelly's eyes. We got her.
The Easter Bunny brought Bailey some bath toys and some "First Marks" paints. She absolutely loves the bath toys and plays when them every night. We got her some bath crayons and we had a fantastic time playing with them. Bailey couldn't figure them out. Same with the paints. She still puts everything in her mouth at least once, and wasn't really happy when she did that with the paints. Or rather, I wasn't really happy and that made her unhappy. She managed to smash the tips on the paper a couple of times creating big splotchy dots...but really, Kelly and I enjoyed ourselves more than she did. But it was fun!
3/25/2008
ALLLLLL DAAAAA!
Have I mentioned yet that Bailey says "All Done". Except she says it kind of like "ALLLL DAAAA!". She doesn't add the "ne" to the end of the word.
But she does say it when she is all done with something, so she knows what it means. When she's all done eating, all done having her hair washed, all done sleeping, all done getting dressed, all done getting her diaper changed, all done being on the floor, all done with us not paying 100% attention to her...well...just about any time that she is all done with anything. Sometimes coupled by a squealy whine.
LOL
I have pictures and videos. I just have been a damn slacker. Tomorrow morning, I'm home with Bailey. Hopefully I'll have the time before she gets up to upload some of them.
Kelly was asked this morning by another mother at childcare how we have the time to cut up fresh fruit. She didn't say anything, but as she looked at the other two children who were being fed poptarts, she thought "How can we NOT find the time. Look at the alternative." I hate to be judgemental...but how can any parent justify feeding (or allowing their child to be fed) a fucking frosted strawberry Pop Tart for breakfast? I mean, Kelly and I are not the queens of all healthy food (that would be Susanne, actually...who makes the most incredibly healthy stuff for their little guy...) but we're sure as shit not going to let her eat juice and Pop Tarts.
Geez. And people wonder why kids have weight problems and diabetes and can't concentrate or focus. I think that Sugar 101 should be a required class for parents.
Anyway.
Speaking of food...Bailey will eat just about anything as long as you give her a fork. She'll even let you feed her while she's trying to feed herself, as long as she has a fork.
And we've started to eat at the dining room table (well, we're starting to try anyway). Time for family meals to start. She's old enough now to start to process what it means to truly be a family...and eating meals together at the table has always been a value we've held. Now is the time to get it started.
Happy Tuesday, everyone!
But she does say it when she is all done with something, so she knows what it means. When she's all done eating, all done having her hair washed, all done sleeping, all done getting dressed, all done getting her diaper changed, all done being on the floor, all done with us not paying 100% attention to her...well...just about any time that she is all done with anything. Sometimes coupled by a squealy whine.
LOL
I have pictures and videos. I just have been a damn slacker. Tomorrow morning, I'm home with Bailey. Hopefully I'll have the time before she gets up to upload some of them.
Kelly was asked this morning by another mother at childcare how we have the time to cut up fresh fruit. She didn't say anything, but as she looked at the other two children who were being fed poptarts, she thought "How can we NOT find the time. Look at the alternative." I hate to be judgemental...but how can any parent justify feeding (or allowing their child to be fed) a fucking frosted strawberry Pop Tart for breakfast? I mean, Kelly and I are not the queens of all healthy food (that would be Susanne, actually...who makes the most incredibly healthy stuff for their little guy...) but we're sure as shit not going to let her eat juice and Pop Tarts.
Geez. And people wonder why kids have weight problems and diabetes and can't concentrate or focus. I think that Sugar 101 should be a required class for parents.
Anyway.
Speaking of food...Bailey will eat just about anything as long as you give her a fork. She'll even let you feed her while she's trying to feed herself, as long as she has a fork.
And we've started to eat at the dining room table (well, we're starting to try anyway). Time for family meals to start. She's old enough now to start to process what it means to truly be a family...and eating meals together at the table has always been a value we've held. Now is the time to get it started.
Happy Tuesday, everyone!
3/24/2008
The First 11 Months
This email is personal. Very, very personal.
I spent about an hour on the bus this morning reflecting on the first 11 months of Bailey's life and our new life as parents. It started out with thinking about getting Bailey dressed this morning and how easy it is for me now. I know just how to make her giggle, how to turn putting socks on into a "get your tootsies" game, how she likes to play peek-a-boo with the neck of her shirt and that by the time it get to her pants, we better hurry up because she's all done with getting ready. That led to thinking about holding her in my arms while she is having her first bottle and the amazing way her warm, soft body feels snuggled into the crook of my arms, her head on my shoulder.
And thinking about that reminded me of the hours of regret and fear that I felt when she was first born.
It's amazing how much has changed.
When she was first born, I would have said that all the changes we were going through SUCKED. I would have said that the differences in our relationship, the changes in me as woman and the changes demanded by an infant all sucked. And when I held that up against how much work it felt like at the time, I would have told you that I wasn't sure if it was worth it.
I'm not sure when that changed. I'm not sure when her cries stopped grating on my nerves and just become her voice. I'm not sure at what point I looked at Kelly and saw her as my wife AND Bailey's mother and didn't feel jealousy. I'm not sure when I first held her hand in bed at night, when we were both too exhausted to have sex (even though we wanted to) and didn't feel some level of anger at the way our life has changed. I can't pinpoint the moment that what used to be stopped being something that I actively missed.
But it happened.
I think that when I gave birth to Bailey, I gave birth to myself as well. I gave birth to me as a mother. And I don't go gently into anything. I'm not sure why I held the unrealistic expecation that would go gently into motherhood.
What I do know is that I can't imagine a world without my little ray of sunshine in it. I remember what our life was like before, and there are passing moments when that life seems a lot easier. But it never feels better than the life I'm living now. Not anymore. I watch Bailey go through her world, leaning on us and learning from us, and I feel like I have found my purpose. At least, my purpose for right now.
It's taken me almost a year. But finally, finally I feel normal again. I have good days, great days, bad days, okay days...but never days when I wish I could undo what I've done. Never days when I wonder what it would be like if I had made a different decision.
I wish mothering and being a wife were simple. I wish that it was predictable and that love didn't change, go through troubled times or require committement and then recommitment. I wish that I wasn't so fucking complicated all the time.
One thing is for sure, though. My girls are my world. They define the very best of who I am and what my love is capable of creating. I'm proud of myself for coming through this, even if nobody else can understand what I mean when I say "coming through it".
I love you, Kelly. And Bailey, someday when you read this, know that I love you too. With all of my heart and more.
I spent about an hour on the bus this morning reflecting on the first 11 months of Bailey's life and our new life as parents. It started out with thinking about getting Bailey dressed this morning and how easy it is for me now. I know just how to make her giggle, how to turn putting socks on into a "get your tootsies" game, how she likes to play peek-a-boo with the neck of her shirt and that by the time it get to her pants, we better hurry up because she's all done with getting ready. That led to thinking about holding her in my arms while she is having her first bottle and the amazing way her warm, soft body feels snuggled into the crook of my arms, her head on my shoulder.
And thinking about that reminded me of the hours of regret and fear that I felt when she was first born.
It's amazing how much has changed.
When she was first born, I would have said that all the changes we were going through SUCKED. I would have said that the differences in our relationship, the changes in me as woman and the changes demanded by an infant all sucked. And when I held that up against how much work it felt like at the time, I would have told you that I wasn't sure if it was worth it.
I'm not sure when that changed. I'm not sure when her cries stopped grating on my nerves and just become her voice. I'm not sure at what point I looked at Kelly and saw her as my wife AND Bailey's mother and didn't feel jealousy. I'm not sure when I first held her hand in bed at night, when we were both too exhausted to have sex (even though we wanted to) and didn't feel some level of anger at the way our life has changed. I can't pinpoint the moment that what used to be stopped being something that I actively missed.
But it happened.
I think that when I gave birth to Bailey, I gave birth to myself as well. I gave birth to me as a mother. And I don't go gently into anything. I'm not sure why I held the unrealistic expecation that would go gently into motherhood.
What I do know is that I can't imagine a world without my little ray of sunshine in it. I remember what our life was like before, and there are passing moments when that life seems a lot easier. But it never feels better than the life I'm living now. Not anymore. I watch Bailey go through her world, leaning on us and learning from us, and I feel like I have found my purpose. At least, my purpose for right now.
It's taken me almost a year. But finally, finally I feel normal again. I have good days, great days, bad days, okay days...but never days when I wish I could undo what I've done. Never days when I wonder what it would be like if I had made a different decision.
I wish mothering and being a wife were simple. I wish that it was predictable and that love didn't change, go through troubled times or require committement and then recommitment. I wish that I wasn't so fucking complicated all the time.
One thing is for sure, though. My girls are my world. They define the very best of who I am and what my love is capable of creating. I'm proud of myself for coming through this, even if nobody else can understand what I mean when I say "coming through it".
I love you, Kelly. And Bailey, someday when you read this, know that I love you too. With all of my heart and more.
3/22/2008
Bailey's Cookie
Our Bailey has a new best friend. A furry, blue best friend with big eyes. Santa brought "Cookie" for a Christmas surprise for Bailey. He mentioned as he was dropping it off that every little child should have something to hug and hold while they were in their crib. I guess he thought that she would want it for a security "blanket".
Well, up until about a week ago, Bailey pretty much ignored Cookie. I mean, she was fine with sharing the crib with Cookie, but she wasn't really attached.
All that has changed. Oh yes. Bailey LOVES her Cookie. L.O.V.E.S. When you lay her down, she snuggles Cookie in the crook of her arm and presses her face against his. She holds hims tight. When you go in to get her in the morning, she's holding Cookie.
Ahhh yes. She loves Cookie.
One rule about Cookie...he cannot leave the house. Cookie will not go on adventures with Bailey. He's an inside security "blanket". Daycare doesn't allow her to bring anything, so this rule is really just built on being practical.
3/21/2008
Love $3 Wine
I stopped at Trader Joes this morning and picked up a couple of bottles of $3 Shiraz. I brought it back into the office and my coworker informed me that it was "$2 buck Chuck". After laughing at her, she explained to me the story...
Apparently this wine maker - Charles Shaw - bought a whole bunch of land in Napa Valley during the horrible drought they had in the 90's. He got the land for "pennies" and bought a ton of it. He cultivated it, replanted and (just as he suspected it would) the drought eventually ended. Now, he makes pretty good Napa Valley wine for dirt cheap.
And, much to my surprise, he sells it for dirt cheap. Each bottle was $2.99. You can only get it at Trader Joes in this area.
Gotta love a dude who isn't a capitalist trying to get all the money he can. And who makes a perfectly decent Friday-night Shiraz!
Bottoms UP!
Apparently this wine maker - Charles Shaw - bought a whole bunch of land in Napa Valley during the horrible drought they had in the 90's. He got the land for "pennies" and bought a ton of it. He cultivated it, replanted and (just as he suspected it would) the drought eventually ended. Now, he makes pretty good Napa Valley wine for dirt cheap.
And, much to my surprise, he sells it for dirt cheap. Each bottle was $2.99. You can only get it at Trader Joes in this area.
Gotta love a dude who isn't a capitalist trying to get all the money he can. And who makes a perfectly decent Friday-night Shiraz!
Bottoms UP!
3/20/2008
275 Million Dollars
I've spent a good portion of the last few days imagining what I would do with $275 Million Dollars (that is in caps for a reason...because it seems like a proper noun to me). I have come up with my laundry list. And these ARE in a particular order...as in, what I would do first, second, third...
1) Plan (and pay for) a wildly extravegant 3-week trip to Disney World in which I rode every single ride a couple of times, dined in every restaraunt, went to every show, swam in every pool and did, well...everything.
2) Call our financial planner
3) Call Terrance (our accountant, if we ever needed one)
4) Pay off our student loans
5) Pay off our cars
6) Pay off our credit cards (although this is pretty much already done)
7) Pay off our mortgage
8) Put in my two-week notice at work (but I'd give them a month or so to replace and then stay on long enough to train my replacement)
9) Start house shopping for a beautiful 4-bedroom home somewhere within 10 miles of the city, not on any of the major commuter roads and with some semblance of a back yard (cause Kelly probably wouldn't leave her job, so we couldn't leave the DC area)
10) Start the process of selling our current home
11) Open an education/trust fund for Bailey and fund it with 500K
12) Start trying for our second baby
13) Open many investment, retirement and other wealth-protection accounts as deemed necessary
14) Hire the most fabulous gay interior decorator I can find to help us decorate our new, glorious home
15) Hire a really nice personal trainer who will kick my ass every single day until I'm skinny
16) Get a breast lift, tummy tuck, laser hair removal and all kinds of skin treatments
17) Go shopping!!!!
18) Get Bailey into a language immersion program somehow - a school, a private tutor, something...that will teach her multiple languages
19) Start planning for where we will travel when Kelly gets some vacation time
20) Throw the wedding of my dreams during the Christmas season and fly all of our family and friends from all over the country to be a part of it
What would you do?
1) Plan (and pay for) a wildly extravegant 3-week trip to Disney World in which I rode every single ride a couple of times, dined in every restaraunt, went to every show, swam in every pool and did, well...everything.
2) Call our financial planner
3) Call Terrance (our accountant, if we ever needed one)
4) Pay off our student loans
5) Pay off our cars
6) Pay off our credit cards (although this is pretty much already done)
7) Pay off our mortgage
8) Put in my two-week notice at work (but I'd give them a month or so to replace and then stay on long enough to train my replacement)
9) Start house shopping for a beautiful 4-bedroom home somewhere within 10 miles of the city, not on any of the major commuter roads and with some semblance of a back yard (cause Kelly probably wouldn't leave her job, so we couldn't leave the DC area)
10) Start the process of selling our current home
11) Open an education/trust fund for Bailey and fund it with 500K
12) Start trying for our second baby
13) Open many investment, retirement and other wealth-protection accounts as deemed necessary
14) Hire the most fabulous gay interior decorator I can find to help us decorate our new, glorious home
15) Hire a really nice personal trainer who will kick my ass every single day until I'm skinny
16) Get a breast lift, tummy tuck, laser hair removal and all kinds of skin treatments
17) Go shopping!!!!
18) Get Bailey into a language immersion program somehow - a school, a private tutor, something...that will teach her multiple languages
19) Start planning for where we will travel when Kelly gets some vacation time
20) Throw the wedding of my dreams during the Christmas season and fly all of our family and friends from all over the country to be a part of it
What would you do?
Back to Good
Things are better today. I don't know what was up yesterday. Just an off day, I guess.
Last night, we had a kissing circle. When I got home, I immediately snuggled Bailey and then kept her on my hip as I made my way around the house. She doesn't let you put her down when you first get home (and we don't mind). Of course, I also give my wonderful wife a kiss hello. I was holding Bailey when I kissed Kelly and she was watching intently. She usually just laughs and claps when we kiss (she likes it...LOL), but last night she decided she wanted in on the kissing action.
SO CUTE!
She went back and forth, first kissing me and then kissing Kelly. Then Kelly and I would kiss. Then it was Bailey's turn again. We did about 4 rounds of this before Bailey decided she was done. In fact, when Kelly went to kiss her again, she got a hand right to the nose. LOL!
Later, Bailey wanted to do the kissing circle again.
It's incredibly awesome how sweet and affectionate she is. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it makes me feel to know that our child wants us close to her and wants us to be affectionate with her. There are some things that cannot be described in words, and the wonderfulness of being loved by your child is one of those things.
Easter is this weekend (right???). It's funny - because Kelly and I are not religious, this holiday sort of slips by without much notice. However, I have seriously wonderful memories of Easter when I was a kid. The Easter Bunny always came, and it was so awesome. We would always go to my Grammy's house and eat ham with all the fixins'. Her house always felt like Spring to me - she would have dafodils and it was always so much fun. I just remember it being this happy, bright, exciting holiday.
So, we're going to try to do the same. We'll make a dinner (anyone interested in joining us??) and as she gets older, we'll do an easter egg hunt. The Easter Bunny will always come (even when she stops believing). When she is old enough to pick it herself, we'll get her a pretty easter dress or outfit (if she's not a dress girl).
Just a random, special day in Spring. Honestly, we should just celebrate the spring equinox, since that is really what we are doing.
Happy Thursday, everyone! Only one more day until Friday!
Last night, we had a kissing circle. When I got home, I immediately snuggled Bailey and then kept her on my hip as I made my way around the house. She doesn't let you put her down when you first get home (and we don't mind). Of course, I also give my wonderful wife a kiss hello. I was holding Bailey when I kissed Kelly and she was watching intently. She usually just laughs and claps when we kiss (she likes it...LOL), but last night she decided she wanted in on the kissing action.
SO CUTE!
She went back and forth, first kissing me and then kissing Kelly. Then Kelly and I would kiss. Then it was Bailey's turn again. We did about 4 rounds of this before Bailey decided she was done. In fact, when Kelly went to kiss her again, she got a hand right to the nose. LOL!
Later, Bailey wanted to do the kissing circle again.
It's incredibly awesome how sweet and affectionate she is. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it makes me feel to know that our child wants us close to her and wants us to be affectionate with her. There are some things that cannot be described in words, and the wonderfulness of being loved by your child is one of those things.
Easter is this weekend (right???). It's funny - because Kelly and I are not religious, this holiday sort of slips by without much notice. However, I have seriously wonderful memories of Easter when I was a kid. The Easter Bunny always came, and it was so awesome. We would always go to my Grammy's house and eat ham with all the fixins'. Her house always felt like Spring to me - she would have dafodils and it was always so much fun. I just remember it being this happy, bright, exciting holiday.
So, we're going to try to do the same. We'll make a dinner (anyone interested in joining us??) and as she gets older, we'll do an easter egg hunt. The Easter Bunny will always come (even when she stops believing). When she is old enough to pick it herself, we'll get her a pretty easter dress or outfit (if she's not a dress girl).
Just a random, special day in Spring. Honestly, we should just celebrate the spring equinox, since that is really what we are doing.
Happy Thursday, everyone! Only one more day until Friday!
3/19/2008
Off
I'm off today. Kind of bitchy. Kind of moody. Mostly just weirdly sad and feeling lonely for no reason at all. I'd like to drink milk and eat mac and cheese and watch old movies all day. I'd love to close all the blinds and ignore the world.
I'm not sure what's wrong.
Blah.
The best thing that happened was this morning when I went in to get our B Bunny up. She saw me, picked her head up off the matress, smiled and then dropped her head back down on the matress. She then proceeded to raise one arm and wave it feebily until I picked her up. LOL. Such a tired baby girl!!!
She fed herself with a fork for the first time last night. She's been having strangeness around her eating these days. She wants food, but no matter what you give her, she doesn't want it. Also, she doesn't like cheese, which just stumps me. When I'm hungry, anything with cheese will work. Just the opposite with Bailey. Anyway.
I was trying to get her to eat some spagetti with baby meatballs and she wouldn't have any of it. just didn't want it at all. Not one single bit. Refused it, in fact. Until I stripped her down, plopped her back in her high chair, gave her the container and her infant fork and let her go at it.
Cute, cute, cute! She was covered, but did a great job getting some of it into her mouth. Most of it, she just played with. But whatever. I'm going to trust the "experts" here when they say that if a child doesn't eat when food is offered it's because they are not hungry. Or another way to say it - your kid won't let herself starve. I'm not going to worry about it. We'll just keep offering her food and let her decide when and what to eat.
How's that for flexible from the world's most control-freakish woman (about some things, anyway).
I think I pissed our day care people off today. I watched one of the women put a child who was no more than 10 months old into a high chair and break up a frosted strawberry pop tart and put it on his tray. I was completely disgusted, and I couldn't help myself. I said "is that child really eating a Poptart for breakfast"?? She just looked at me and said, "yes, this is what is on the menu". I said, "don't ever, ever, ever give Bailey a pop tart, okay? It's nothing but sugar...it hardly even qualifies for dessert, much less breakfast." She looked offended.
But for god's sake. A fucking Pop Tart? And they wonder why we refuse to let her eat their food.
See what I mean. I'm off today.
I'm not sure what's wrong.
Blah.
The best thing that happened was this morning when I went in to get our B Bunny up. She saw me, picked her head up off the matress, smiled and then dropped her head back down on the matress. She then proceeded to raise one arm and wave it feebily until I picked her up. LOL. Such a tired baby girl!!!
She fed herself with a fork for the first time last night. She's been having strangeness around her eating these days. She wants food, but no matter what you give her, she doesn't want it. Also, she doesn't like cheese, which just stumps me. When I'm hungry, anything with cheese will work. Just the opposite with Bailey. Anyway.
I was trying to get her to eat some spagetti with baby meatballs and she wouldn't have any of it. just didn't want it at all. Not one single bit. Refused it, in fact. Until I stripped her down, plopped her back in her high chair, gave her the container and her infant fork and let her go at it.
Cute, cute, cute! She was covered, but did a great job getting some of it into her mouth. Most of it, she just played with. But whatever. I'm going to trust the "experts" here when they say that if a child doesn't eat when food is offered it's because they are not hungry. Or another way to say it - your kid won't let herself starve. I'm not going to worry about it. We'll just keep offering her food and let her decide when and what to eat.
How's that for flexible from the world's most control-freakish woman (about some things, anyway).
I think I pissed our day care people off today. I watched one of the women put a child who was no more than 10 months old into a high chair and break up a frosted strawberry pop tart and put it on his tray. I was completely disgusted, and I couldn't help myself. I said "is that child really eating a Poptart for breakfast"?? She just looked at me and said, "yes, this is what is on the menu". I said, "don't ever, ever, ever give Bailey a pop tart, okay? It's nothing but sugar...it hardly even qualifies for dessert, much less breakfast." She looked offended.
But for god's sake. A fucking Pop Tart? And they wonder why we refuse to let her eat their food.
See what I mean. I'm off today.
3/18/2008
The Uh-Oh Factor
I've finally figured out why I can't vote for Obama.
He gives me the "uh oh" feeling.
Just so you know, I have a VERY well-tuned "uh-oh" response. Years of sexual abuse as a child, followed by years of sexual self-abuse as a teenager perfected the response in me. I know, in my gut, when I find something shady and uncomfortable.
And I get a major "uh-oh" feeling from Obama. Just don't trust him. Can't do it. Won't vote for someone when I would recoil if they offered me their hand to shake.
Since I can't vote Republican on principal (thanks for reminding me, M & S) and I can't vote for Obama (and it sure does look like he's going to get the nod, doesn't it?), and I can't just sit out the vote (that would be completely against every principal I have), I'm going to vote for Nader (unless of course Hillary gets the nod, and then I'll rejoice).
If Nader isn't running by the time the election rolls around and my only choices are McCain or Obama, I'm writing in Kelly's grandfather. Because even if I completely disagree with his politics, I trust the man.
Anyway. Not that it matters much to anyone else, but I've been trying and trying to figure out why I can't stand Obama when everyone else seems to have bought what he's saying. I just don't buy his rhetoric (for lots of reasons, all mentioned in a previous post)...but more than that, I don't trust him. I think he's a liar and I think there is something to him that is just bad.
And the only reason - and I mean the ONLY reason - that I have for that is the "uh-oh" feeling that I get every single time I hear him speak. And if there is one thing that I trust, it's my gut.
He gives me the "uh oh" feeling.
Just so you know, I have a VERY well-tuned "uh-oh" response. Years of sexual abuse as a child, followed by years of sexual self-abuse as a teenager perfected the response in me. I know, in my gut, when I find something shady and uncomfortable.
And I get a major "uh-oh" feeling from Obama. Just don't trust him. Can't do it. Won't vote for someone when I would recoil if they offered me their hand to shake.
Since I can't vote Republican on principal (thanks for reminding me, M & S) and I can't vote for Obama (and it sure does look like he's going to get the nod, doesn't it?), and I can't just sit out the vote (that would be completely against every principal I have), I'm going to vote for Nader (unless of course Hillary gets the nod, and then I'll rejoice).
If Nader isn't running by the time the election rolls around and my only choices are McCain or Obama, I'm writing in Kelly's grandfather. Because even if I completely disagree with his politics, I trust the man.
Anyway. Not that it matters much to anyone else, but I've been trying and trying to figure out why I can't stand Obama when everyone else seems to have bought what he's saying. I just don't buy his rhetoric (for lots of reasons, all mentioned in a previous post)...but more than that, I don't trust him. I think he's a liar and I think there is something to him that is just bad.
And the only reason - and I mean the ONLY reason - that I have for that is the "uh-oh" feeling that I get every single time I hear him speak. And if there is one thing that I trust, it's my gut.
3/17/2008
So...We Partied
We ended up going out on Friday. Our baby girl was sound asleep the entire time and we felt like it was good. So, after putting her to bed, we showered and got ready. It felt strange to both of us to be showering and doing our hair and makeup (in my case) and putting on clothes when generally, we are undressing and getting into bed around that time.
At around 10 PM we headed out to a local bar. Karen came with us and we met a couple of our friends at the bar. A wonderful all-girl rock band was playing...a band that has a HUGE lesbian following. They apparently travel wherever this group goes, so there are "regulars" even though the bar where they are at keeps changing. We had a "reserved" table in honor of Kelly's birthday.
We had fun. Kelly drank a couple of beers (I was driving). In between sets, the DJ played hip hop club music. Some people danced. It was a good time, all told.
What struck me, though, and what Kelly and I talked about after is that not much changes in a lesbian community. My Kelly has spent a lot more time in gay bars than I have and a WHOLE LOT more time around bar-going lesbian women. All night long, she just did what she does best...she watched people and took in what was going on. And when she says "nothing changes" and "all lesbians in every bar I've ever been too always look the same", I trust her.
What I figured out, and was dismayed to realize, is that what I'm looking for, I'll never find. I've been searching for a replacement for those years when I partied with Jocelyn or Erika or Steph or Max. Years when going out was just what you did, stumbling home was fine and sleeping until noon the next day to get up and eat a greesy omlet to go back to back and sleep some more was fine. I've been looking for the days when the baby didn't wake up at 6:30 AM even if you were exhausted and when the stage coach didn't turn into a pumkin at midnight.
In other words, I've been looking for something that I'll never, ever find. And now that I've been out again, seen the same old girls looking for the same old things and dancing to the same old music and drinking the same old beer and playing the same old games, I think that I'm happy to just hang out with my good friends and my wife and drink a bottle of wine. Maybe. We'll see.
At around 10 PM we headed out to a local bar. Karen came with us and we met a couple of our friends at the bar. A wonderful all-girl rock band was playing...a band that has a HUGE lesbian following. They apparently travel wherever this group goes, so there are "regulars" even though the bar where they are at keeps changing. We had a "reserved" table in honor of Kelly's birthday.
We had fun. Kelly drank a couple of beers (I was driving). In between sets, the DJ played hip hop club music. Some people danced. It was a good time, all told.
What struck me, though, and what Kelly and I talked about after is that not much changes in a lesbian community. My Kelly has spent a lot more time in gay bars than I have and a WHOLE LOT more time around bar-going lesbian women. All night long, she just did what she does best...she watched people and took in what was going on. And when she says "nothing changes" and "all lesbians in every bar I've ever been too always look the same", I trust her.
What I figured out, and was dismayed to realize, is that what I'm looking for, I'll never find. I've been searching for a replacement for those years when I partied with Jocelyn or Erika or Steph or Max. Years when going out was just what you did, stumbling home was fine and sleeping until noon the next day to get up and eat a greesy omlet to go back to back and sleep some more was fine. I've been looking for the days when the baby didn't wake up at 6:30 AM even if you were exhausted and when the stage coach didn't turn into a pumkin at midnight.
In other words, I've been looking for something that I'll never, ever find. And now that I've been out again, seen the same old girls looking for the same old things and dancing to the same old music and drinking the same old beer and playing the same old games, I think that I'm happy to just hang out with my good friends and my wife and drink a bottle of wine. Maybe. We'll see.
Glorious Day
This is the best day of the year. On this day, at 7:42 AM, 33 years ago, the love of my life was born and my destiny was determined.
I have no words that could possibly describe how wonderful my wife is, how much I love her or how grateful I am to whatever God or Gods exist that brought her to me. I only hope that the fudgy, chocolate cake I baked will convey how much I adore her!
;-) I love you, Kelly McFadden. You are everything to me and I am so, so happy you were born.
I have no words that could possibly describe how wonderful my wife is, how much I love her or how grateful I am to whatever God or Gods exist that brought her to me. I only hope that the fudgy, chocolate cake I baked will convey how much I adore her!
;-) I love you, Kelly McFadden. You are everything to me and I am so, so happy you were born.
3/14/2008
Sinus Infection
That's what it is. A sinus infection.
Her doctor says that sinus infections often become ear infections, so "lets put her on antibiotics for a couple of days" just to prevent that.
Preventative antibiotics.
Honest to fucking god.
I hate today.
Her doctor says that sinus infections often become ear infections, so "lets put her on antibiotics for a couple of days" just to prevent that.
Preventative antibiotics.
Honest to fucking god.
I hate today.
Still Sick
Kelly is at home with Bailey today. When B woke up her temp was 100.4 (not really a temp). Kelly gave her some Tylenol just to be safe since it went up to 102.6 last night. About an hour an a half later, she took her temp again it had gone UP to 100.9 inspite of the Tylenol.
I think it's pretty clear that she's not feeling great.
I got to work today at 5:45 AM. I'll be leaving early to relieve my honey of sick-baby duty. I doubt we're going out tonight, but I guess you never know.
Kelly's calling the doctor now. We'll see if they want to see B or just let it work its way through on its own. I'm a wait and see type of girl...but Kelly gets nervous.
Here's hoping it's nothing. I'm not so keen on antibiotics and don't want Bailey on them for a THIRD time. We'll see.
I think it's pretty clear that she's not feeling great.
I got to work today at 5:45 AM. I'll be leaving early to relieve my honey of sick-baby duty. I doubt we're going out tonight, but I guess you never know.
Kelly's calling the doctor now. We'll see if they want to see B or just let it work its way through on its own. I'm a wait and see type of girl...but Kelly gets nervous.
Here's hoping it's nothing. I'm not so keen on antibiotics and don't want Bailey on them for a THIRD time. We'll see.
3/13/2008
Another Fever
As we speak, Kelly is currently rescuing Bailey from daycare with another 101.9 fever. Or at least, that is what it was when they called us. Maybe higher now, maybe lower.
Go figure. This would happen the day before we were planning to go out and party for the first time in...well...ever. We've never been to a bar before. And we have plans and friends and a band and KELLY'S 33rd BIRTHDAY to celebrate.
But, alas. It doesn't look like it's going to happen.
Go figure.
Go figure. This would happen the day before we were planning to go out and party for the first time in...well...ever. We've never been to a bar before. And we have plans and friends and a band and KELLY'S 33rd BIRTHDAY to celebrate.
But, alas. It doesn't look like it's going to happen.
Go figure.
Well...That Didn't Change.
I always wondered when I was not a parent how I would respond to my own kid being whiny. I hated it when the kids were not mine. You could take the sweetest, most wonderful, most lovely child and the second they started whining, I checked out. All done. HATED IT. Absolutely despised it.
In fact, on rare occasions, it made me irrationally angry.
So I always wondered if it would be different when it was my own sweet, wonderful, lovely kid being whiny.
Turns out, it isn't any different at all. I still hate it. With every fiber of my being.
The only thing that has saved me from diving head first into the first oncoming bus is knowing that right now, whining is the only way she has of expressing her displeasure. If she simply babbles, I won't get that she needs something...in fact, would think the babbling is cute. Whining lets me know, quickly, that she is hungry, unhappy, tired, needing a new diaper...whatever.
Knowing that doesn't make me like the whining any more, or despise it any less...but it does provide some level of understanding. I try to coax her into responding differently. For instance, when she wants to be picked up, she'll tug at my legs and whine. I alway finish what I'm doing (as much as I may understand her communicating, I'm absolutely NOT going to immediately respond to bad behavior...and whining is bad.) and then I look down at her and ask her if she wants to come up. I'll hold my hands out like she does and say "Up? Do you want to come up?"
Sometimes she's mimicks me. Sometimes she ignores me and cries harder. The clock is often an indicator as to which it'll be.
In any event, she gets a free pass for right now. As soon as she has words and can use them, my response to whining is going to, "Oh, I'm sorry, Bailey. I can't understand when you don't use your words."
And that's it. Because MAN...I HATE the whining. HATE IT!
In fact, on rare occasions, it made me irrationally angry.
So I always wondered if it would be different when it was my own sweet, wonderful, lovely kid being whiny.
Turns out, it isn't any different at all. I still hate it. With every fiber of my being.
The only thing that has saved me from diving head first into the first oncoming bus is knowing that right now, whining is the only way she has of expressing her displeasure. If she simply babbles, I won't get that she needs something...in fact, would think the babbling is cute. Whining lets me know, quickly, that she is hungry, unhappy, tired, needing a new diaper...whatever.
Knowing that doesn't make me like the whining any more, or despise it any less...but it does provide some level of understanding. I try to coax her into responding differently. For instance, when she wants to be picked up, she'll tug at my legs and whine. I alway finish what I'm doing (as much as I may understand her communicating, I'm absolutely NOT going to immediately respond to bad behavior...and whining is bad.) and then I look down at her and ask her if she wants to come up. I'll hold my hands out like she does and say "Up? Do you want to come up?"
Sometimes she's mimicks me. Sometimes she ignores me and cries harder. The clock is often an indicator as to which it'll be.
In any event, she gets a free pass for right now. As soon as she has words and can use them, my response to whining is going to, "Oh, I'm sorry, Bailey. I can't understand when you don't use your words."
And that's it. Because MAN...I HATE the whining. HATE IT!
3/12/2008
THAT'S Customer Service
This morning, I arrived at the bus stop to board my bus for the city. It was my morning to take Bailey to daycare, so I was getting on the 8:04 AM bus. The driver of this bus has the extremely annoying habit of pulling up to the stop in a way that requires everyone standing in line to take about 10 steps backwards, directly into the road. We always complain. To the point that the driver gets on the microphone and says "If you don't like the way I pull up, feel free to take another bus."
Never mind that it's just not safe to stand in the middle of the road with all the crazy ass drivers around.
So, this morning, I arrived as usually and there were three officials from the Maryland Department of Transportation there taking questions and comments. There were a whole circle of people standing around talking to them, so I just got into line and figured I'd address my concerns later (or not at all). However, sure enough, the driver pulled up like he always did.
As I was standing in the middle of the road, one of the MTA guys walked by doing a headcount. I politely asked if there was some way that the driver could go around like all the other drivers do. He said, "well, there are really no regulations about this. Sometimes a driver just pulls up this way." I said that I realized that, but this is a safety concern. In fact my exact words were "Hmmm...I wonder how fast a regulation will be created when a person waiting for the bus gets hit by a car driving too fast because the bus driver makes us stand in the road."
A little sarcastic, I know.
BUT...the MTA official looks at me, completely straight-faced and said "At least it's a low-traffic area."
LOL - now if that isn't a perfect example of 21st century customer service, I don't know what is. Lordy.
Never mind that it's just not safe to stand in the middle of the road with all the crazy ass drivers around.
So, this morning, I arrived as usually and there were three officials from the Maryland Department of Transportation there taking questions and comments. There were a whole circle of people standing around talking to them, so I just got into line and figured I'd address my concerns later (or not at all). However, sure enough, the driver pulled up like he always did.
As I was standing in the middle of the road, one of the MTA guys walked by doing a headcount. I politely asked if there was some way that the driver could go around like all the other drivers do. He said, "well, there are really no regulations about this. Sometimes a driver just pulls up this way." I said that I realized that, but this is a safety concern. In fact my exact words were "Hmmm...I wonder how fast a regulation will be created when a person waiting for the bus gets hit by a car driving too fast because the bus driver makes us stand in the road."
A little sarcastic, I know.
BUT...the MTA official looks at me, completely straight-faced and said "At least it's a low-traffic area."
LOL - now if that isn't a perfect example of 21st century customer service, I don't know what is. Lordy.
3/11/2008
3/10/2008
Wedding Band
We've finally purchased Kelly a beautiful wedding band. Since we were married in 2005, we have been wearing posie rings that we purchased on a Christmas trip to Colonial Williamsburg. They are made of sterling silver and are quite lovely. We've always known that we would buy each other rings that were a little more "substantial" when we could afford it and (most importantly) when we found the "right" rings.
We kept going back and forth about whether we wanted to have the same rings or different. What it came down to in the end is that I wanted diamonds and, while she did too, not with the same bling that I wanted.
Kelly bought me a beautiful diamond band for Christmas this year. While she was shopping for it, she found a ring that she loved for herself...but when we went back to purchase it, they had sold it and didn't have another!!! So we've been looking. Trying to find something similar that Kelly loves as much as that one.
We never found it.
Yesterday, on a whim, we stopped in at the jewlery store and wouldn't you know it...they HAD THE RING! After about 10 minutes of thinking, we decided to buy it. It's absolutely beautiful...and so incredibly Kelly. It's a feminine ring, without being girly. It's beautiful, without being showy. It's shiny without being flashy. It's diamonds, without being blingy. It's perfect.
I'll get some pictures of our rings tonight and post them soon!
We kept going back and forth about whether we wanted to have the same rings or different. What it came down to in the end is that I wanted diamonds and, while she did too, not with the same bling that I wanted.
Kelly bought me a beautiful diamond band for Christmas this year. While she was shopping for it, she found a ring that she loved for herself...but when we went back to purchase it, they had sold it and didn't have another!!! So we've been looking. Trying to find something similar that Kelly loves as much as that one.
We never found it.
Yesterday, on a whim, we stopped in at the jewlery store and wouldn't you know it...they HAD THE RING! After about 10 minutes of thinking, we decided to buy it. It's absolutely beautiful...and so incredibly Kelly. It's a feminine ring, without being girly. It's beautiful, without being showy. It's shiny without being flashy. It's diamonds, without being blingy. It's perfect.
I'll get some pictures of our rings tonight and post them soon!
Worth Thinking About
Wow. Another quote that I just have to post. I read this on another blog and just had to post it here. What an amazing truth this is.
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. It's where roots grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom has fallen from the branches, you find that this is one tree and not two.
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. It's where roots grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom has fallen from the branches, you find that this is one tree and not two.
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin
Very Emotional
We've had a new development with our B Bubbles. She has become over-the-top emotional.
Telling her no is cause for a serious hurt-feelings meltdown. For example, yesterday, she wanted to play with the DVD player. I, of of course, firmly told her no a couple of times. When that didn't work (she ignored me), I put my lunch down and went over to the DVD player, spun her around and moved her away to another toy.
WELL. This prompted a sobbing breakdown with real tears and big hiccups and all kinds of emotion. And she did this like 20 times yesterday...whenever she didn't get her way.
Another new thing - she wines constantly. If she is not happy with how something is, she wines at it or about it until it is fixed or until she finds a new way to do whatever she is doing.
Our solution to both of these terrible developments?
Ignore her. With the big sobs, we just direct her away from whatever we are telling her no about and engage her with something else. And a hug usually helps. But no coddling. No affirmations in any way that her behavior is netting her something. And the whining. Well. The whining just gets categorically ignored.
Now, more than ever, I thank god that Kelly and I are a strong couple. It's been nice to be able to look at her and hand Bailey off without a word when I'm ready to snap. I hope I've been as helpful to her.
Happy Monday everyone! I'm going to wake our B up and get started with this day!
Telling her no is cause for a serious hurt-feelings meltdown. For example, yesterday, she wanted to play with the DVD player. I, of of course, firmly told her no a couple of times. When that didn't work (she ignored me), I put my lunch down and went over to the DVD player, spun her around and moved her away to another toy.
WELL. This prompted a sobbing breakdown with real tears and big hiccups and all kinds of emotion. And she did this like 20 times yesterday...whenever she didn't get her way.
Another new thing - she wines constantly. If she is not happy with how something is, she wines at it or about it until it is fixed or until she finds a new way to do whatever she is doing.
Our solution to both of these terrible developments?
Ignore her. With the big sobs, we just direct her away from whatever we are telling her no about and engage her with something else. And a hug usually helps. But no coddling. No affirmations in any way that her behavior is netting her something. And the whining. Well. The whining just gets categorically ignored.
Now, more than ever, I thank god that Kelly and I are a strong couple. It's been nice to be able to look at her and hand Bailey off without a word when I'm ready to snap. I hope I've been as helpful to her.
Happy Monday everyone! I'm going to wake our B up and get started with this day!
3/06/2008
Sweet Spring and Other Thoughts
No matter when it happens, I love Spring.
Growing up, I would have absolutely killed for Spring to show her gentle head in early March. I remember, all too clearly, how hard March is in Maine. I remember wanting...REALLY REALLY wanting the snow piles to blocking everything, for the endless snow glare to quit. I remember being so freakin' frustrated by the constant road spray of dirt and grit (very few people in this world know about my ridiculous obsession with a clean windshield). More than anything, it's just old. The need to SEE something other than snow is huge and winter still has a strong grip.
Spring in the Mid Atlantic is nothing like Spring in the Northeast...partly because winter is not the same. Winter here doesn't happen...at least not in my definition of winter. No snow (or very few "storms"...most of which drop an inch and shut the roads down with some ice). It's not even very cold by cold standards. Sure, there are days...but only days. Not months at a time.
So when Spring comes, it comes in seemingly overnight. You wake up in the morning, as I did yesterday, and hear on the news that the temps will be in the high 60's or low 70's. So, rather than wearing your fleece (if you're me), you wear a sweatshirt...or nothing. Yesterday, walking to the bus stop at 5 PM, my sweatshirt was wrapped around my waist and I was basking in the late afternoon sun and gentle breezes...enjoying 70-degree weather. The beautiful bushes by the Sculpture Garden are starting to bloom (they are evergreen bushes, but in the spring and summer they get large white blossoms that just keep coming...I SO wish I knew what they were...I'd love to plant some). Kelly and I noticed over the weekend that many of the trees in our area are pink already - the blossoms not yet open, but definitely showing. The trees are budding.
It's spring. And even if Spring comes on the heals of a non-winter...I still love it. I love the freshness, the newness, the desire to get out of the house and be outside. I love opening the windows and cleaning and feeling like the winter is being blown away on a warm breeze. I love renewal.
Now, Spring is also a constant reminder that in just a few months it is going to be so flippin' hot in this area that I want to die. But I try to ignore that. Spring is lovely.
I blogged last night in a hurry about Bailey walking. Can you believe that she's walking??? It might be one of the first real moments that I've had where I feel like my baby is making her first steps out of my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but seriously. My boss says all the time that from the moment of birth, parenting is all about letting your children go. That the bulk of the job is loving someone so much that you love them enough to let go.
I think that's true. True in a way that I never would have understood until Bailey came to join us. I was joking with Bailey one night last week - telling her that although she may be her Mommy's favorite girl (she is...LOL), that one day Kelly would kick her out but I'd get to stay. We laugh a lot in our house about Kelly's incredible love for Bailey. Not laugh in a funny way...it's a sweet joking thing. Never in my life have I seen two people love each other the way that Kelly and Bailey do. It is a pure, pure love that has no dingy spots...nothing has tarnished it yet. Because of my early experiences with parenting, I don't have that. Inevitably, Bailey's first few months will always be connected for me to the most difficult person time in my life. Of course, that has nothing to do with Bailey...but I can't remember those months without remembering how deeply depressed I was and how much I struggled. Kelly doesn't have that with Bailey. She remembers my struggle and how it effected her...but her connection to Bailey was and still is pure. Like white light...just the perfect combination of love, adoration and sweetness.
And Bailey loves Kelly the same way. I am much less gentle with Bailey (as I am with most things in life). Of course, Bailey adores me too. But not like she adores her Mommy.
Anyway - what was the point? Oh right...letting go. I wonder at times about how we are going to be as Bailey gets older. Kelly has often joked that Bailey is not allowed to date until she's 18. And she can't have sex until she's 25 (if ever). On the other hand, we are both pretty insistent that once Bailey reaches the end of high school - it's on and out (unless she's got a job, is paying rent or going to college). But I wonder. My love is such a hard ass...until she's not. And with Bailey, she's not.
All these thoughts started because of Bailey walking. Walking is such an adult thing to do. It's what allows us to move forward, move away from, and go in our own direction. It's hard for me to think about Bailey choosing a life that could be far away from us...even though I made that choice. It's hard for me to conceive that a day will come when Bailey doesn't need us to provide her food, her shelter, her connection to the world. I know that I don't have to start thinking about these things yet, but in some ways, I think I have to. At least in the abstract. I feel like I have to envision my life as separate from Bailey's in some ways. Rather than seeing the job of parenting as molding her into something, I feel like I have to look at it as being one of her guides as she makes her way through the world.
That old song - "hold on loosely, but don't let go." Something like that. Because someday, if we do our jobs right, she will leave. She will walk away from us. She will take our hearts, that now live with her, and she will make her way in this world. And that direction, her path, could lead her thousands of miles away. It could take her to places and to experiences that we can't even conceive of. It could mean that we only see her occasionally. And I have to be ready for that. So that when she does go, I'm okay with her leaving. So that I have had years of preparing myself for the heartbreak and the incredible joy at seeing her be her own woman.
And the other side of that coin is that I don't want to define myself as nothing more than Bailey's mother. Because when Bailey doesn't need an active mother anymore...when we are parenting an adult child instead of a kid, who will we be if all we've been for years is her mother? I remind myself all the time that, no matter how huge the job feels, Kelly and I are people outside of parenting. We had a life before Bailey, and we'll have a life after Bailey. So the other side of parenting, I think, is to continue to grow and raise MYSELF. And I think that job is equally as important as the work of raising Bailey.
I'm rambling. I'm thinking a lot today. Seeing her walk struck a cord with me. She's not a helpless baby. She's a child. A girl who will one day be a woman who will one day have a life that is not all about me and Kelly. Perhaps this is the first of many inevitable feelings of loss that I will have as she grows up and out and away. How can I feel so much joy and excitement about something that also makes me feel so sad?
Growing up, I would have absolutely killed for Spring to show her gentle head in early March. I remember, all too clearly, how hard March is in Maine. I remember wanting...REALLY REALLY wanting the snow piles to blocking everything, for the endless snow glare to quit. I remember being so freakin' frustrated by the constant road spray of dirt and grit (very few people in this world know about my ridiculous obsession with a clean windshield). More than anything, it's just old. The need to SEE something other than snow is huge and winter still has a strong grip.
Spring in the Mid Atlantic is nothing like Spring in the Northeast...partly because winter is not the same. Winter here doesn't happen...at least not in my definition of winter. No snow (or very few "storms"...most of which drop an inch and shut the roads down with some ice). It's not even very cold by cold standards. Sure, there are days...but only days. Not months at a time.
So when Spring comes, it comes in seemingly overnight. You wake up in the morning, as I did yesterday, and hear on the news that the temps will be in the high 60's or low 70's. So, rather than wearing your fleece (if you're me), you wear a sweatshirt...or nothing. Yesterday, walking to the bus stop at 5 PM, my sweatshirt was wrapped around my waist and I was basking in the late afternoon sun and gentle breezes...enjoying 70-degree weather. The beautiful bushes by the Sculpture Garden are starting to bloom (they are evergreen bushes, but in the spring and summer they get large white blossoms that just keep coming...I SO wish I knew what they were...I'd love to plant some). Kelly and I noticed over the weekend that many of the trees in our area are pink already - the blossoms not yet open, but definitely showing. The trees are budding.
It's spring. And even if Spring comes on the heals of a non-winter...I still love it. I love the freshness, the newness, the desire to get out of the house and be outside. I love opening the windows and cleaning and feeling like the winter is being blown away on a warm breeze. I love renewal.
Now, Spring is also a constant reminder that in just a few months it is going to be so flippin' hot in this area that I want to die. But I try to ignore that. Spring is lovely.
I blogged last night in a hurry about Bailey walking. Can you believe that she's walking??? It might be one of the first real moments that I've had where I feel like my baby is making her first steps out of my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but seriously. My boss says all the time that from the moment of birth, parenting is all about letting your children go. That the bulk of the job is loving someone so much that you love them enough to let go.
I think that's true. True in a way that I never would have understood until Bailey came to join us. I was joking with Bailey one night last week - telling her that although she may be her Mommy's favorite girl (she is...LOL), that one day Kelly would kick her out but I'd get to stay. We laugh a lot in our house about Kelly's incredible love for Bailey. Not laugh in a funny way...it's a sweet joking thing. Never in my life have I seen two people love each other the way that Kelly and Bailey do. It is a pure, pure love that has no dingy spots...nothing has tarnished it yet. Because of my early experiences with parenting, I don't have that. Inevitably, Bailey's first few months will always be connected for me to the most difficult person time in my life. Of course, that has nothing to do with Bailey...but I can't remember those months without remembering how deeply depressed I was and how much I struggled. Kelly doesn't have that with Bailey. She remembers my struggle and how it effected her...but her connection to Bailey was and still is pure. Like white light...just the perfect combination of love, adoration and sweetness.
And Bailey loves Kelly the same way. I am much less gentle with Bailey (as I am with most things in life). Of course, Bailey adores me too. But not like she adores her Mommy.
Anyway - what was the point? Oh right...letting go. I wonder at times about how we are going to be as Bailey gets older. Kelly has often joked that Bailey is not allowed to date until she's 18. And she can't have sex until she's 25 (if ever). On the other hand, we are both pretty insistent that once Bailey reaches the end of high school - it's on and out (unless she's got a job, is paying rent or going to college). But I wonder. My love is such a hard ass...until she's not. And with Bailey, she's not.
All these thoughts started because of Bailey walking. Walking is such an adult thing to do. It's what allows us to move forward, move away from, and go in our own direction. It's hard for me to think about Bailey choosing a life that could be far away from us...even though I made that choice. It's hard for me to conceive that a day will come when Bailey doesn't need us to provide her food, her shelter, her connection to the world. I know that I don't have to start thinking about these things yet, but in some ways, I think I have to. At least in the abstract. I feel like I have to envision my life as separate from Bailey's in some ways. Rather than seeing the job of parenting as molding her into something, I feel like I have to look at it as being one of her guides as she makes her way through the world.
That old song - "hold on loosely, but don't let go." Something like that. Because someday, if we do our jobs right, she will leave. She will walk away from us. She will take our hearts, that now live with her, and she will make her way in this world. And that direction, her path, could lead her thousands of miles away. It could take her to places and to experiences that we can't even conceive of. It could mean that we only see her occasionally. And I have to be ready for that. So that when she does go, I'm okay with her leaving. So that I have had years of preparing myself for the heartbreak and the incredible joy at seeing her be her own woman.
And the other side of that coin is that I don't want to define myself as nothing more than Bailey's mother. Because when Bailey doesn't need an active mother anymore...when we are parenting an adult child instead of a kid, who will we be if all we've been for years is her mother? I remind myself all the time that, no matter how huge the job feels, Kelly and I are people outside of parenting. We had a life before Bailey, and we'll have a life after Bailey. So the other side of parenting, I think, is to continue to grow and raise MYSELF. And I think that job is equally as important as the work of raising Bailey.
I'm rambling. I'm thinking a lot today. Seeing her walk struck a cord with me. She's not a helpless baby. She's a child. A girl who will one day be a woman who will one day have a life that is not all about me and Kelly. Perhaps this is the first of many inevitable feelings of loss that I will have as she grows up and out and away. How can I feel so much joy and excitement about something that also makes me feel so sad?
3/05/2008
We Have a Toddler
It's official - Bailey is now walking. Tonight, for the first time, she took multiple (as in 6-7) consecutive steps. Not only that, she stopped in the middle, caught her balance and then kept going. And she did this multiple times tonight.
What was EVEN better...she chose to walk when she could have crawled to me just as easily.
Oh yes...we have a walker. At 10 months old!!!
What was EVEN better...she chose to walk when she could have crawled to me just as easily.
Oh yes...we have a walker. At 10 months old!!!
3/03/2008
2/29/2008
Super Excited!!!
So I'm super excited today!!! I just found out yesterday that one of my dearest and oldest friends from high school is coming down to visit us in April!
Katie and I met during a time in our lives when we were both struggling to figure out what kind of women we were going to be. In fact, the night we met was when me, Steph and Andrea sort of crashed a little party that was happening at an old abandoned train station. The LoveShack we called it. That was also the night that I met Elijah and some other folks who ended up becoming pretty good friends through those years.
Katie was always one of the best of them. You know how in any group of hell-raising teens there are always a couple that you know are just going to "make it". No matter what else, I knew that Katie was one of those.
But before we got to that point, man, we raised some hell together! We had so much fun (and a couple of times, we didn't have quite as much fun...LOL). She and I were very close through most of that time, but our brief courtship with being badasses ended in a crash and burn event at Logan Airport in Boston. My one and only time in jail was spent with her and Stacey.
LOL - we grew up and like most old friends from high school, we lost touch for a while. During that time, she had a baby, fell in love with Jeremy (who was a guy in our little crazy group of friends) and got married. They have another daughter together now. And Katie did just what we all knew she would...she got into school, kicked ass and is now living a great life.
Amazingly, our friendship has endured through all this time.
And now..SHE IS COMING TO VISIT!!! And Jeremy may come too, which would just make everything so freakin' wonderful!!!!! They are also going to bring their oldest daughter with them...which will make it lots of fun while we sight see and catch up on old times. They will finally get to meet my Kelly and our Bailey.
I'm so happy!!! I've so needed some reconnection to my past. This is one of the people who knew me before I was the woman that I am today.
I cannot wait! I can't wait to see her, to hug her, to catch up, to show her around my city, to have her in my house, to be near her...but mostly, to just have a good time with someone that doesn't need me to pretend to be someone I'm not.
I love you, Katie!!! I can't wait...absolutely CAN NOT wait to see you!!!!
Katie and I met during a time in our lives when we were both struggling to figure out what kind of women we were going to be. In fact, the night we met was when me, Steph and Andrea sort of crashed a little party that was happening at an old abandoned train station. The LoveShack we called it. That was also the night that I met Elijah and some other folks who ended up becoming pretty good friends through those years.
Katie was always one of the best of them. You know how in any group of hell-raising teens there are always a couple that you know are just going to "make it". No matter what else, I knew that Katie was one of those.
But before we got to that point, man, we raised some hell together! We had so much fun (and a couple of times, we didn't have quite as much fun...LOL). She and I were very close through most of that time, but our brief courtship with being badasses ended in a crash and burn event at Logan Airport in Boston. My one and only time in jail was spent with her and Stacey.
LOL - we grew up and like most old friends from high school, we lost touch for a while. During that time, she had a baby, fell in love with Jeremy (who was a guy in our little crazy group of friends) and got married. They have another daughter together now. And Katie did just what we all knew she would...she got into school, kicked ass and is now living a great life.
Amazingly, our friendship has endured through all this time.
And now..SHE IS COMING TO VISIT!!! And Jeremy may come too, which would just make everything so freakin' wonderful!!!!! They are also going to bring their oldest daughter with them...which will make it lots of fun while we sight see and catch up on old times. They will finally get to meet my Kelly and our Bailey.
I'm so happy!!! I've so needed some reconnection to my past. This is one of the people who knew me before I was the woman that I am today.
I cannot wait! I can't wait to see her, to hug her, to catch up, to show her around my city, to have her in my house, to be near her...but mostly, to just have a good time with someone that doesn't need me to pretend to be someone I'm not.
I love you, Katie!!! I can't wait...absolutely CAN NOT wait to see you!!!!
2/28/2008
All is Forgiven
I was kinda mean to Kelly in my last post. I offer my apologies...
The thing is, I don't have anything against her desire to NOT go out. I mean, she spent lots of years doing the bar thing every night. While she was doing that, I was in high school. LOL.
Seriously, though, that is one of the biggest differences about us. I was always right on the "right" track. I never took time off from school - went straight into college from high school and then directly into grad school. After I dropped out of grad school, I was living with Kelly and we were busy being real adults. I never really got a chance to just party and enjoy myself.
On the other hand, Kelly did all that. She spent a couple of years before buckling down in college just working and partying. She's spent more time in gay bars than she would probably care to admit and she certainly doesn't find any humor or excitment in the drama of it all. Honestly, she's just over it.
And I get that. I do. I understand it from her perspective and I respect that she doesn't want to party with me.
BUT. (there is always a 'but', isn't there?)
The problem that I have is that I don't have friends that go out anymore. My Joce is in New Mexico. My Max is in New York. My Erika is in Maine. My Rodney is not with us anymore. The people in my life who REALLY know how to rock and have a good time are not around me. And I don't want to go out alone.
First, it's lonely. Second, I don't want to deal with anyone who may see me as fresh meat (I may be being optomistic here, but you never know...some one may find me attractive). Third, it's just not safe to walk around the streets of DC by yourself on a Saturday night. I do have to think about my safety. Because while I want to dance, I don't want to be mugged, raped or worse to make it happen.
So, when what I hear from Kelly is "nope, sorry"...I just get pissed off, because I'm not sure what my other options are except to just stay home. Which, as I think I established yesterday, isn't an option.
See where the frustration comes from?
So anyway. My momma - who is a wicked fun lady is gonna go dancing with me in April while they are here. I'm excited about that! We've been out once or twice before together and always had a great time. It always makes me laugh...because we dance the same! Hehehehe...
Anyone interested in going with us? Or going out before then? (Karen, this is directed at you. I KNOW you know how to party hard!).
So, honey, I'm sorry I was so mean. And I do understand. I hope you understand where I'm coming from too. I love you.
The thing is, I don't have anything against her desire to NOT go out. I mean, she spent lots of years doing the bar thing every night. While she was doing that, I was in high school. LOL.
Seriously, though, that is one of the biggest differences about us. I was always right on the "right" track. I never took time off from school - went straight into college from high school and then directly into grad school. After I dropped out of grad school, I was living with Kelly and we were busy being real adults. I never really got a chance to just party and enjoy myself.
On the other hand, Kelly did all that. She spent a couple of years before buckling down in college just working and partying. She's spent more time in gay bars than she would probably care to admit and she certainly doesn't find any humor or excitment in the drama of it all. Honestly, she's just over it.
And I get that. I do. I understand it from her perspective and I respect that she doesn't want to party with me.
BUT. (there is always a 'but', isn't there?)
The problem that I have is that I don't have friends that go out anymore. My Joce is in New Mexico. My Max is in New York. My Erika is in Maine. My Rodney is not with us anymore. The people in my life who REALLY know how to rock and have a good time are not around me. And I don't want to go out alone.
First, it's lonely. Second, I don't want to deal with anyone who may see me as fresh meat (I may be being optomistic here, but you never know...some one may find me attractive). Third, it's just not safe to walk around the streets of DC by yourself on a Saturday night. I do have to think about my safety. Because while I want to dance, I don't want to be mugged, raped or worse to make it happen.
So, when what I hear from Kelly is "nope, sorry"...I just get pissed off, because I'm not sure what my other options are except to just stay home. Which, as I think I established yesterday, isn't an option.
See where the frustration comes from?
So anyway. My momma - who is a wicked fun lady is gonna go dancing with me in April while they are here. I'm excited about that! We've been out once or twice before together and always had a great time. It always makes me laugh...because we dance the same! Hehehehe...
Anyone interested in going with us? Or going out before then? (Karen, this is directed at you. I KNOW you know how to party hard!).
So, honey, I'm sorry I was so mean. And I do understand. I hope you understand where I'm coming from too. I love you.
2/27/2008
Up and Down and All Around
So, my lovely wife has refused to take me dancing. "I HATE bars...it's all about breeding and sex." Lest I start to sound bitter (I am), I'll leave it at this:
I NEED to go out and dance. Need it. It's not a want. It's not a "oh shucks, I'm bored" thing. I need it. Need, need, need. So. I need someone or someones to go with me. I want to go to this lesbian bar downtown. It's a women-only place (or at least, men need escorts). I'm not into going to a bar with a bunch of boys trying to get laid and I'm not into the gay-boy scene. I just want to be surrounded by women, drink a couple of martinis and a couple of beers and just dance. Dance until I'm exhausted and tired and until my brain shuts down for a few fucking hours and gives me some GODDAMN HEAD SPACE.
Anyone interested?
Not to apply any pressure, but if no one is coming, I'm going alone. By myself. In to Southeast DC. On a Saturday night. Alone. To dance. Because it's what I need.
That's the down.
The up is that I took today off and declared it Momma Mental Health Day. I took myself to IHOP for breakfast and then I went shopping. Alone. Just me and a credit card. And low and behold, I found myself 8 new shirts, a couple of summer tanks and a new pair of jeans! It was a TOTALLY successful trip and made me feel like a million bucks (until I got in the car and heard some dance music...which reminded me that I'm trying to not hate my wife right now).
I digress.
I've never had a more successful shopping trip! I stepped outside of my comfort zone (think plain or striped button downs, or plain tee shirts) and got some stuff with color, designs and that is actually styled. I might have to think about what I wear rather than blindly grab a pair of pants and a shirt, but I'm proud of myself.
I'm actually excited about doing the fashion show for Kelly tonight!
I'm even more excited that now I have something to wear dancing. (insert bitter laugh)
That about sums it up for now. B Bear is lovely - she finally had a good night's sleep last night and woke up giggling in her crib. Nothing makes me quite as happy as hearing our daughter's tinkling little laugh. I'm going to make curry turkey and broccoli for dinner tonight. My kitchen's clean. Those are good things.
Enough for now. Happy Wednesday, everyone!
I NEED to go out and dance. Need it. It's not a want. It's not a "oh shucks, I'm bored" thing. I need it. Need, need, need. So. I need someone or someones to go with me. I want to go to this lesbian bar downtown. It's a women-only place (or at least, men need escorts). I'm not into going to a bar with a bunch of boys trying to get laid and I'm not into the gay-boy scene. I just want to be surrounded by women, drink a couple of martinis and a couple of beers and just dance. Dance until I'm exhausted and tired and until my brain shuts down for a few fucking hours and gives me some GODDAMN HEAD SPACE.
Anyone interested?
Not to apply any pressure, but if no one is coming, I'm going alone. By myself. In to Southeast DC. On a Saturday night. Alone. To dance. Because it's what I need.
That's the down.
The up is that I took today off and declared it Momma Mental Health Day. I took myself to IHOP for breakfast and then I went shopping. Alone. Just me and a credit card. And low and behold, I found myself 8 new shirts, a couple of summer tanks and a new pair of jeans! It was a TOTALLY successful trip and made me feel like a million bucks (until I got in the car and heard some dance music...which reminded me that I'm trying to not hate my wife right now).
I digress.
I've never had a more successful shopping trip! I stepped outside of my comfort zone (think plain or striped button downs, or plain tee shirts) and got some stuff with color, designs and that is actually styled. I might have to think about what I wear rather than blindly grab a pair of pants and a shirt, but I'm proud of myself.
I'm actually excited about doing the fashion show for Kelly tonight!
I'm even more excited that now I have something to wear dancing. (insert bitter laugh)
That about sums it up for now. B Bear is lovely - she finally had a good night's sleep last night and woke up giggling in her crib. Nothing makes me quite as happy as hearing our daughter's tinkling little laugh. I'm going to make curry turkey and broccoli for dinner tonight. My kitchen's clean. Those are good things.
Enough for now. Happy Wednesday, everyone!
2/26/2008
She Doesn't Know It Yet...
But, my baby is taking me dancing! Momma seriously needs to let loose a little...shake my groove thang...bust a move...whatever the fuck you want to call it, Momma needs to do it.
We're going to Phase 1. It looks a lot like the little bar I used to raise hell in when I was in college. I gotta dance. I gotta drink. I gotta feel sexy and get sweaty.
And I need a designated driver (hence, Kelly).
AND...who else would I want to dance for? I mean honestly? I can't go dancing without my sexy wife with me!
Not sure when...maybe a week or two from now? I've gotta at least let the idea sink in...LOL...and find a babysitter!
We're going to Phase 1. It looks a lot like the little bar I used to raise hell in when I was in college. I gotta dance. I gotta drink. I gotta feel sexy and get sweaty.
And I need a designated driver (hence, Kelly).
AND...who else would I want to dance for? I mean honestly? I can't go dancing without my sexy wife with me!
Not sure when...maybe a week or two from now? I've gotta at least let the idea sink in...LOL...and find a babysitter!
2/25/2008
Clothes and Mommy's Birthday
Once again, I'm having a clothes crisis. Not because I've grown out of or into a bunch of clothes, but just because I absolutely hate everything I own.
Anyone who knows me know that I hate shopping and I think spending money on clothes is stupid. I don't hold anything against anyone who feels different (in fact, I'm married to a woman who values nice clothes ALOT). I just don't want to put the time or the energy into finding nice clothes. And I don't want to pay for them. I'm a klutz and a mess and I'll just ruin them with stains or something.
This probably all goes back to having been a fat kid when there were very few fat-kid clothing options. And I'm not exactly stylish. Never have been. I can't match clothes at all - so I rely on all of my shirts matching all of my pants so that no matter what I select, it works. Perhaps not perfect, but passably. I own two pairs of work shoes - one brown and one black. On the weekend, I wear the one pair of jeans I own over and over again and then wash them through the week for the next weekend. During my pregnancy, I owned three pairs of maternity pants - one black and one tan for work and one pair of jeans for the weekend.
I buy Walmart/Target or clearance rack shirts. Why spend money on something that I'll stain anyway? Honestly? Also, I hate shopping. I hate it that fat-girl clothes are always stretchy (because that is what fat girls want...something that clings to their fat). I hate it that fat girl shirts are always too long - I'm not ashamed of my ass...If I wanted to cover it, I would.
Occasionally, however, I have a fit like I did this morning. I pulled all the clothes out of my closet that I don't wear (most of them) and that don't fit (some of them) or that are older than three years (quite a few of them) and threw them all on the bed. What I can donate, I will. Everything else (most of my clothes have rips or stains or something that will make them undesirable) will get thrown away. Hanging in my closet right now are 5 work shirts, 3 pairs of work pants, 5-6 beater tee shirts that I'll wear on the weekend, and one shirt that I bought for Valentine's day a couple of years ago. That's it.
Kelly and I have a date to (soon, I hope) take the day off work, bring Bailey to daycare and go outlet shopping.
Here's the best part of my wife - she can shop like a demon. She is a CRAZY shopper. She will pour through racks and racks of clothing and pull out the three things that I might actually wear. I will also pick clothes that are too big or too small (thus becoming extremely discouraged, extremely quickly)...but not Kelly. She can pick out a shirt that will fit me, that will look good and that is cheap every single time. The woman has talent.
I abhor shopping. I hate it. But Kelly makes it tolerable and the outlet malls make me feel less guilty about spending a couple hundred dollars on clothes. Because, after all, I do have a professional job and I do actually have to wear clothes that are somewhat nice to work.
Enough of that.
Kelly's birthday is just around the corner. My baby is going to be 33. Once again, I'm confronted with the maddening dilemma of what to get her. I always pick out shitty gifts for her. She's the shopper (as I've already established). To make it worse, I also have to take Bailey shopping for Kelly. Uggg. Any suggestions for gifts for the woman who needs nothing, wants very few things that are within my price range and what she does want, she wants to pick out herself? Something other than a gift card and a smack on the ass?
Lordy. I hate shopping.
Anyone who knows me know that I hate shopping and I think spending money on clothes is stupid. I don't hold anything against anyone who feels different (in fact, I'm married to a woman who values nice clothes ALOT). I just don't want to put the time or the energy into finding nice clothes. And I don't want to pay for them. I'm a klutz and a mess and I'll just ruin them with stains or something.
This probably all goes back to having been a fat kid when there were very few fat-kid clothing options. And I'm not exactly stylish. Never have been. I can't match clothes at all - so I rely on all of my shirts matching all of my pants so that no matter what I select, it works. Perhaps not perfect, but passably. I own two pairs of work shoes - one brown and one black. On the weekend, I wear the one pair of jeans I own over and over again and then wash them through the week for the next weekend. During my pregnancy, I owned three pairs of maternity pants - one black and one tan for work and one pair of jeans for the weekend.
I buy Walmart/Target or clearance rack shirts. Why spend money on something that I'll stain anyway? Honestly? Also, I hate shopping. I hate it that fat-girl clothes are always stretchy (because that is what fat girls want...something that clings to their fat). I hate it that fat girl shirts are always too long - I'm not ashamed of my ass...If I wanted to cover it, I would.
Occasionally, however, I have a fit like I did this morning. I pulled all the clothes out of my closet that I don't wear (most of them) and that don't fit (some of them) or that are older than three years (quite a few of them) and threw them all on the bed. What I can donate, I will. Everything else (most of my clothes have rips or stains or something that will make them undesirable) will get thrown away. Hanging in my closet right now are 5 work shirts, 3 pairs of work pants, 5-6 beater tee shirts that I'll wear on the weekend, and one shirt that I bought for Valentine's day a couple of years ago. That's it.
Kelly and I have a date to (soon, I hope) take the day off work, bring Bailey to daycare and go outlet shopping.
Here's the best part of my wife - she can shop like a demon. She is a CRAZY shopper. She will pour through racks and racks of clothing and pull out the three things that I might actually wear. I will also pick clothes that are too big or too small (thus becoming extremely discouraged, extremely quickly)...but not Kelly. She can pick out a shirt that will fit me, that will look good and that is cheap every single time. The woman has talent.
I abhor shopping. I hate it. But Kelly makes it tolerable and the outlet malls make me feel less guilty about spending a couple hundred dollars on clothes. Because, after all, I do have a professional job and I do actually have to wear clothes that are somewhat nice to work.
Enough of that.
Kelly's birthday is just around the corner. My baby is going to be 33. Once again, I'm confronted with the maddening dilemma of what to get her. I always pick out shitty gifts for her. She's the shopper (as I've already established). To make it worse, I also have to take Bailey shopping for Kelly. Uggg. Any suggestions for gifts for the woman who needs nothing, wants very few things that are within my price range and what she does want, she wants to pick out herself? Something other than a gift card and a smack on the ass?
Lordy. I hate shopping.
2/24/2008
Steps and Baby Love
Our Bailey is a walker. She has now taken multiple steps on her own multiple times. The first reported steps were at daycare, but since then (that was on Tuesday the 19th), she's taken several steps for both of us. Deliberate steps...not accidental ones. She will still always choose crawling as her means of transportation, but not for long. Her little legs are so cute.
Bailey's been a bundle of baby love recently. She just seems to be happy and comfortable in her world. Her schedule is predictable, she gets lots of time with each of us individually and together, she is sleeping great at night (between 10 1/2 and 11 1/2 hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time), and she is getting lots of of yummy, healthy food. She is growing, learning and moving rapidly toward her first birthday.
Speaking of food. Every morning, we drop Bailey off at daycare. We start the day by putting her in one of the high chairs and getting her started on breakfast. We do the same thing every day (our girl likes her schedule). Usually breakfast is a bunch of fresh fruit and a blueberry waffle (one of the Kashi kinds with lots of fiber and protein). Sometimes it's cereal, but not often. We are starting to give her some egg...but it's hard to bring egg to daycare. Anyway. Usually fresh fruit salad (comprised of sliced fresh blueberries, fresh strawberries, apples that we've boiled slightly to soften them up, pears that have been boiled slightly and sometimes raspberries or blackberries). Every day there are a couple of other children there at the same time, being fed by the childcare folks. As far as I can tell, no other parents of the pre-toddlers make their children food like we do. The facility provides breakfast, lunch and snacks...we just don't like what they serve or how the prepare it. We recently learned that they cook their carrots in a sugar water solution to get the kids to eat them. NOT what we want Bailey to be eating. So we have strict rules in place that she is not to be fed ANYTHING that we don't provide. Never. Nothing. I digress...anyway - so these other kids are being fed. Want to know what they are eating?? Graham crackers and fruit loops. Seriously. That is their morning breakfast. Have you ever looked at the ingredient list in regular graham crackers and fruit loops? The amount of sugar alone that these children are eating to start their day is HORRIBLE. And usually, it's accompanied by juice. JUICE!!! Which might as well be soda it is so horrible.
Anyway - every morning, the daycare providers say, "Bailey, you are so lucky." One day, the father of one of the other children saw me putting the fresh fruit on Bailey's tray and asked me if I actually cut the fruit up myself. LOL. After I answered "yes" he commented that it just takes so much time.
*sigh*
Here's my rant - you bet it takes time. Kelly and I barely see each other through the week. We work split shifts so that Bailey spends as little time in childcare as possible. The person who is at home in the evening is tasked with making her food for the next day, making dinner, hand-washing bottles, picking up, entertaining the child and getting our lunches for the next day ready. It's fucking work. Our day beings at 4:00 AM just so that we get a few minutes of personal space before everything else starts. We commute constantly.
BUT...here's the thing. This is what we signed up for. I am not going to feed my kid a bunch of shit just because it's convenient. I'm not going to cut corners and be okay with fucking up her schedule just because my life is busy. It's not about me. It's not about Kelly. It's about raising Bailey and doing our very best with what we have to offer.
So...yes, it takes a while to cut up the fruit. Every Sunday I spend a couple of hours cutting broccoli, carrots and cauliflower and getting it steamed for her. So that she'll have fresh veggies to take with her to daycare each day. You bet it's work. It's lots of work. But I do it because I'm a good mother and because Bailey deserve that.
And man, I'd feel like shit if I knew that Bailey was being fed graham crackers and fruit loops.
Bailey's been a bundle of baby love recently. She just seems to be happy and comfortable in her world. Her schedule is predictable, she gets lots of time with each of us individually and together, she is sleeping great at night (between 10 1/2 and 11 1/2 hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time), and she is getting lots of of yummy, healthy food. She is growing, learning and moving rapidly toward her first birthday.
Speaking of food. Every morning, we drop Bailey off at daycare. We start the day by putting her in one of the high chairs and getting her started on breakfast. We do the same thing every day (our girl likes her schedule). Usually breakfast is a bunch of fresh fruit and a blueberry waffle (one of the Kashi kinds with lots of fiber and protein). Sometimes it's cereal, but not often. We are starting to give her some egg...but it's hard to bring egg to daycare. Anyway. Usually fresh fruit salad (comprised of sliced fresh blueberries, fresh strawberries, apples that we've boiled slightly to soften them up, pears that have been boiled slightly and sometimes raspberries or blackberries). Every day there are a couple of other children there at the same time, being fed by the childcare folks. As far as I can tell, no other parents of the pre-toddlers make their children food like we do. The facility provides breakfast, lunch and snacks...we just don't like what they serve or how the prepare it. We recently learned that they cook their carrots in a sugar water solution to get the kids to eat them. NOT what we want Bailey to be eating. So we have strict rules in place that she is not to be fed ANYTHING that we don't provide. Never. Nothing. I digress...anyway - so these other kids are being fed. Want to know what they are eating?? Graham crackers and fruit loops. Seriously. That is their morning breakfast. Have you ever looked at the ingredient list in regular graham crackers and fruit loops? The amount of sugar alone that these children are eating to start their day is HORRIBLE. And usually, it's accompanied by juice. JUICE!!! Which might as well be soda it is so horrible.
Anyway - every morning, the daycare providers say, "Bailey, you are so lucky." One day, the father of one of the other children saw me putting the fresh fruit on Bailey's tray and asked me if I actually cut the fruit up myself. LOL. After I answered "yes" he commented that it just takes so much time.
*sigh*
Here's my rant - you bet it takes time. Kelly and I barely see each other through the week. We work split shifts so that Bailey spends as little time in childcare as possible. The person who is at home in the evening is tasked with making her food for the next day, making dinner, hand-washing bottles, picking up, entertaining the child and getting our lunches for the next day ready. It's fucking work. Our day beings at 4:00 AM just so that we get a few minutes of personal space before everything else starts. We commute constantly.
BUT...here's the thing. This is what we signed up for. I am not going to feed my kid a bunch of shit just because it's convenient. I'm not going to cut corners and be okay with fucking up her schedule just because my life is busy. It's not about me. It's not about Kelly. It's about raising Bailey and doing our very best with what we have to offer.
So...yes, it takes a while to cut up the fruit. Every Sunday I spend a couple of hours cutting broccoli, carrots and cauliflower and getting it steamed for her. So that she'll have fresh veggies to take with her to daycare each day. You bet it's work. It's lots of work. But I do it because I'm a good mother and because Bailey deserve that.
And man, I'd feel like shit if I knew that Bailey was being fed graham crackers and fruit loops.
2/21/2008
This Struck Me
Kelly bought me a desk calendar for Christmas of "Wild Words from Wild Women". Today's quote struck me. I think every person who is in love should think about it...
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." ~Anais Nin
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." ~Anais Nin
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