Another First

Yes, the very first dreaded cold of her time at childcare is upon us. Our Bailey is home today, all stuffed up, coughing up phlegm and generally feeling poopy. We've consulted with her doctor, who told us just to love her a little more, keep her on Tylenol for any aches and pains, and to watch for fever. We're keeping her out of childcare for today and maybe tomorrow.

Maybe we're panicking...but this is her FIRST time feeling shitty. Makes us both feel SOOOO bad for her!!!!!

Another Video

Here is another video of Bailey talking to Kelly on that same night. We haven't had much chance to take pictures or videos...but I promise we'll try to do better!

Mundane

I could go on and on about how exhausted Kelly and I are. I could talk for a million years about how difficult it is to parent a child as active and as engaged as Bailey. I could scream, I could cry, I could beg for a break and still nothing will change the reality.

Kelly and I are in this thing and we're both stretched as tight as we can go. The only reason that we haven't broken yet is that we have each other and we have a daughter that needs us. We collapse into bed at night and take a few deep breaths, hold hands and fall asleep. It's not enough to keep our relationship going, but for now it'll have to do. It's all we've got for each other.

I spent a good part of the weekend crying. Kelly would have too, if she were a cryer. It's shitty to feel like the greatest thing we've ever done is the most difficult. It's hard to be this strung out. It's hard to keep doing it, even when the self-protection instinct says to just run away.

And blah, blah, blah. I've said it all before. It's gotten old. I'm sick of saying the same things. I'm sick of feeling the same things. We need a break, but 2 hours isn't enough time to rejuvenate, and we have no family here.

So, for now, I'm going to enjoy watching our beautiful daughter swing beside me and start to wake up. I'm going to savor each peaceful, easy moment in an effort to make the difficult ones a little easier. I'm going to hug Kelly more, and try to forgive myself for what I perceive to be my failings as a mother and partner.

I think that all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep waiting for the day when it gets just a little bit easier.

The Other Half of my Brain

willing to fight - ani difranco

the windows of my soul
are made of one way glass
don't bother looking into my eyes
if there's something you want to know,
just ask
i got a dead bolt stroll
where i'm going is clear
i don't have time for you to wonder
i'll just tell you why i'm here

'cause i know the biggest crime
is just to throw up your hands
say
this has nothing to do with me
i just want to live as comfortably as i can
you got to look outside your eyes
you got to think outside your brain
you got to walk outside you life
to where the neighborhood changes

tell me who's your boogieman?
that's who i will be
you don't have to like me for who i am
but we'll see what you're made of
by what you make of me
i think that it's absurd
that you think i
am the derelict daughter
i fight fire with words
words are hotter than flames
words are wetter than water

i got friends all over this country
i got friends in other countries too
i got friends i haven't met yet
i got friends i never knew
i got lovers whose eyes
i've only seen at a glance
i got strangers for great grandchildren
i got strangers for ancestors

i was a long time coming
i'll be a long time gone
you've got your whole life to do something
and that's not very long
so why don't you give me a call
when you're willing to fight
for what you think is real
for what you think is right

To Tide You Over...

Here's a video of Bailey taken on Tuesday of her talking to Kelly during her naked girl time. She just doesn't talk to me this way...she saves her best conversations for her Mommy!!! I promise, I'll post more pictures and an update on Bailey this weekend!

An Update

I promise that I'll post more when I have longer to write. Both Kelly and I are extremely busy at work and working through the transition of me back to work. We rush to work, rush home and then spend as much time together and with Bailey as we can.

What I can say is that it is working beautifully. Bailey is transitioning easily. Her eating habits are staying the same, she is sleeping just fine and she seems just as happy as she ever has. The only thing that I have noticed is that she requires a lot more snuggling when we get her home from daycare. I suspect that it is a comfort thing and that she is missing all the time she spent in my arms for the first three months of her life. She doesn't seem distraught by the changes, though, much to our relief.

In fact, we don't mind that she wants snugly time, because that's what we want too!

All said, we are both extremely pleased by the center and the care that Bailey is receiving. It's incredible to NOT feel horrible about putting her in childcare...I've heard some pretty awful stories from people who have a different experience than we've had. I feel very fortunate that we are one of the lucky ones.

You know, we didn't get so lucky with Bailey's immediate disposition. She was extremely difficult at first, not laid back and that was tough. But, it seems that those very same qualities that made it so hard in the beginning are making it so much easier now. She's resilient, independent, curious and interested. She fascinated by the other kids, the sounds, the sites and loves new people. She doesn't act like she misses us...she just seems to be okay with it.

Now, it's only been two days. But, the first few days can tell a lot. And so far, we're happy. Very happy.

She did GREAT!

That's the short version of the story. The longer version goes like this:

SHE DID GREAT!!!! LOL!

Seriously, yesterday was a fabulous day all around. I think it was little more stressful for Kelly than it was for Bailey and I, but that stands to reason. The morning went smoothly, except that Bailey wouldn't eat for me. I was up and showered by 5 AM and then got Bailey up at around 6:30 AM. I wanted to leave lots of time at the center in case I had questions or anything. Bailey was still sleeping and needed to be woken, which I did slowly. We played for a few minutes and then I dressed her and got her ready for the day. I tried to feed her a bottle, but she seemed to play with it.

ASIDE: Bailey seems to be going through this weird stage of eating. She plays with her bottle, drinking a couple of ounces and then spitting out the rest until you take the bottle away. Rather than force feed her, we let her spit it out and then come back to it. The problem, though, is that she seems to want to come back to it after 10 or 15 minutes, and at her daycare, they don't seem to do that. Yesterday, they fed her 8 AM and she took 3 ounces (she usually eats 6 in a setting). The didn't feed her again until 11 AM (which is the appropriate three hours), and again she only took 3.5 ounces. They fed her again at 11:30, another 2 ounces. That interval seems appropriate, but I am worried about her only taking 3 ounces in three hours. Seems like she was probably hungry. Then again, Bailey is incredibly efficient about getting her needs met (screaming generally does the trick), so if she was hungry, she would have been screaming. So...hmmm...

Anyway - I took her to child care, and it was great. They were immediately comforting to me and Bailey didn't react negatively. She seemed fine. In fact, she seemed interested in all the new colors, sounds, and people. When I left, she was on a playmat, laughing and talking to the mirror above her. They were getting ready to feed her. When I called the first time, she was napping (it only lasted 30 minutes, but still...). When I called the second time, she was having her 11 AM feeding and had pooped and everything was fine. When Kelly picked her up, she was sitting in a bouncy chair just hanging out and looking at everything around her.

So, it went well. When she got home, she was exhausted and Kelly put her down for a nap. She slept for 2 1/2 hours!!! She got back up and played for a couple of hours and then went down for the night at 7 PM. She slept until 2:30 this morning, ate and then went back down until 6 AM.

When she is doing full days (Kelly got her early yesterday at 12:45), she is going to be absolutely exhausted by the time we get there to pick her up. It is likely that she will come home and crash out for a while. I wonder if our nighttime will change a bit - if she'll end up napping when we get home at 4 PM and then staying up a bit later. We'll see.

They said that she was fine during the day. They commented many times that she was incredibly advanced for her age. She did her sleeping thing, where she pulls the covers over her face to try and block out the light. She will eventually figure out rolling over and will learn that she can bury her face in her arms when she's on her belly...she'll probably start sleeping better when she figures this out.

I was fine yesterday. I rushed home from work and was able to get there just in time to jump into the bath with her. I was able to take a short bath with her and then do the nighttime bottle feeding (lots of cooing and snuggling). It was nice to have this unexpected time with her. I missed her like crazy yesterday, but wasn't worried about her. I wasn't upset to not be with her, and I knew that she would be alright at childcare. What I did miss was holding her close to me. It felt weird to be seperated from her, and I physically ached for the closeness. Her smells, her ways of moving...that stuff.

Kelly struggled with knowing that she wasn't with me. That part of it is harder for her, because she has been working for a couple of months now and leaving Bailey all day...but with the comfort of knowing that she was with me. Now, it's a different story and that was tough for her.
But, all told, it went well. I am very encouraged. We have had nothing that would indicate that we won't be perfectly happy with this arrangement and Bailey seems like she is going to be just fine. In fact, I suspect with all the other kids around, that Miss. Bailey will talk sooner, walk sooner and generally develop faster than she would if she were at home. After all, there's so much to do and see and be a part of...and right now, she can't get to it on her own. I bet that will change quickly...LOL!

First Day Back

I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to let everyone who is following our saga know that the first day back had gone okay so far. Bailey is going well, she was fine at the drop off and seems to be adjusting well.

I'll post more when I have time...right now, I'm still trying to get my bearings here at work!!!!

Thinking About Rodney

Yesterday, while I was driving home from somewhere, I heard "The Rose" by Bette Midler. I hadn't heard it in years, and I found myself driving along, crying about my brother for the first time in about a year.

Rodney died in August of 2005, but it was around this time in 2005 that he was nearing the end of his life. After a massive drug overdose, and close to 6 weeks of up and down deterioration, we decided that he would be taken off life support. At this time two years ago, we hadn't yet made that decision, but we were close.
Two years ago, Kelly and I were going to move to Maine. As a way to get us all together and to save money on the movers, I had asked my brothers to help us move. The deal was that we would pay for their flights and they would be our heavy lifters. We had it all mapped out. And it was perfect - we would all end up being together for a little bit of a family reunion.

Instead, Kelly got a great job offer and we ended up not moving to Maine. Rather than cancel the trip, we all agreed to still get together in Maine. Matt and Rodney planned this really cool multiple day journey to Boston with their respective girlfriends. It was going to be a great time.

But before that could happen, Rodney had his drug overdose. We all flew to West Palm Beach thinking that he was going to die (that is what the doctors had told us). He didn't die. Not yet. I left after two days, because I was so angry that I couldn't be near him. I was so frustrated that he had done this to himself. But that is another story.

Instead of canceling the trip to Maine, Matt and I still went. Rodney was in a skilled nursing facility at the time, as it looked like he might have some sort of recovery. The brain works in mysterious ways and apparently the cells take a while to die, even after they have been permanently and irreparable damaged. For 6 weeks, we didn't know what would happen. He was on state aide, so the bounced him around to skilled nursing facilities and then back to the hospital when he started to deteriorate more. The bitch of it all is that we are not rich, and couldn't spend the money to be with him. Eventually, we had to go back to our respective lives. He was all alone down there, in a persistive vegetative state.

Anyway, so Matt and I ended up in Maine for what was supposed to be a family reunion. It didn't feel like much of a reunion. A day into the trip, Mom got a call from a hospice nurse who happened to be working a shift at the hospital Rodney was staying at. After a long conversation with her, and then long conversations with Matt and I, we all decided that Rodney would not want to be kept alive by artificial means. He was too vibrant in life to "live" that way.

So we went back to West Palm Beach. The three of us spent 10 days with him in hospice while he wasted away. We watched him die and then we watched him rot. I say it that way because in the beginning, you could still tell there was life in his body. His spirit hadn't left yet. I swear, there were moments when I was sitting by his bed and holding his hand and talking to him that I would look into his eyes and he was there. I remember thinking, "Dear God, his spirit is trapped in this dying body. He needs to be free." I remember grieving, knowing that I would never hear his voice again.

I can't remember at what point I realized that Rodney was gone. What I remember is that the room stopped feeling like a peaceful place of dying and started feeling like a tomb. The smells changed from our normal smells to that of death and decay. It started to feel creepy, where before it had felt peaceful. I would leave and go out and smoke more often. Sitting outside in that horrible, hot and humid air, I would stare into the sky and try to soak up as much heat and life as I could. Walking back into that dark, cold room was so hard. They kept it very cold in there. To keep the smell of death to a minimum, I suspect. I would look at my brother, with his head cocked back at an unnatural angle, the skin on his lips peeling away from lack of water, his skin turning pasty and gray and sinking into his face, and wonder how I would ever recover from seeing that.

Eventually, I had to leave. Leave the hospice. Leave the state. I had to come back home, to my wife's arms. To the only place that felt warm to me. I needed to be reheated from the inside. I needed for her to reach through the pain of that experience and remind me that death was not coming and that I was still alive.

I left before Rodney's body died. I left on a Wednesday. I returned to work on Thursday. On Friday, at about 3:30 in the afternoon, I got a call from my mother that Rodney's body had finally given up and he was gone. It was August 5th. I walked from work to meet Kelly. We went out to dinner - PF Changs and I drank a mixed berry martini. I remember every minute of that walk, of the dinner, of the martini. I remember that I felt numb, and how blissful it felt to feel that way. I had been so consumed and every emotion had felt like it was on overdrive for so many days. With his death, I was finally able to let go and begin to accept that he was gone.

This picture was taken at my graduation in May of 2002. It was the last time we were all together. Rodney came to visit me in DC early in 2003. In June of 2004, he overdosed on drugs and we all flew to West Palm Beach. He made a full recovery that time. In June of 2005, he overdosed on drugs again, and I never heard his voice again.

I miss him everyday. I wish that he hadn't lived so hard. I wish that he could meet Bailey. I wish that he had a chance to find real, lasting love. I wish that we had spent more time together and that our relationship hadn't been so rocky. I wish I hadn't felt so angry when he died. I wish that his death hadn't been so incredibly visual. I wish that I could remember him, without remembering the way that he died.

Most of all, I wish him peace. Where ever you are, whatever happens in the end, I hope that you have found peace, big brother.

The Rose - Bette Midler

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

Harry, Harry, Harry

There are very few things in this world that are more important to me than spending time with Kelly and my daughter. I love our weekends together. I get everything done on Friday so that I can spend as much time with them, uninterrupted by the mundane tasks of living, as possible. Most of the time, there is nothing that matters more to me.

But not this weekend. This weekend, a man is taking over my life. That's right, folks...a man by the name of Harry Potter is taking over!

My book, according to UPS, is in Waldorf. It will be delivered sometime tomorrow...hopefully early. And the second that 800 page book gets into my hands, I'm reading.

Now...I know that I will have to take a couple of breaks. I'm fully aware that at some point, I'll need to give Kelly a break from baby duty. And I might have to pee and eat as well. Maybe. But, for the most part, I'm doing nothin' but reading.

Just to give you an idea...at the last release, I attended that midnight party (something I haven't ruled out this year. If I find that I can't sleep tonight, I just may sneak out and get a copy from my local bookstore...). I picked up my book at around 2:00 AM. I read until 6:30 in the morning, slept for a couple of hours, than read for another eight hours. Oh yes, friends, I'm serious about this.

I LOVE THESE BOOKS!!! And given that I have spent the last three months devoting myself entirely to parenting (and bitching about parenting), I think that I deserve a couple of hours to read. Don't you?

This muggle is addicted.

I'm So Lucky

Look at my beautiful family. Aren't they absolutely perfect?? I truly am a very lucky woman...

Rollercoaster

It's up and then it's down...and then it's back up.

After sleeping 9 hours last night (from 7 PM - 4 AM), she crashed out again this morning from 4:30 - 8:15 AM. She never did wake up when I was writing that last post. She did, however, manage to poop again at some point during that morning sleeping session and it looked MUCH better. (It feels strange to say poop looked good...but there you have it.) She got up and ate (she only wanted 4 ounces). She didn't vomit much. We played on the bed. We played in the exersaucer. I wore her and we explored the house and stared at each other in the mirror. We giggled. We laughed. We smiled and stuck our tongues out at each other. At around 10:15, Bailey let me know she was hungry again by starting her fussing and putting her hands in her mouth so far that she gagged herself. (She likes to make her point). I mixed up a bottled with six ounces and brought her upstairs. She ate, stopping midway to burp and puke (not so bad this time) and then she finished. After she finished she giggled for a few minutes and then fussed a little, and then went to sleep. She was sleeping at around 10:45. She's still sleeping. It's 12:51.

I've been trying to figure out what the difference is. It's not me. The formula is different. But, what I think is the true winner is...TYLENOL!!!!

Bailey is teething. I don't care what people say about age. She drools constantly, she brings everything to her mouth and she chews on anything that can get to it. And her little gums have this little hard spots on them and she gets really excited when we press on those spots. You can almost see the relief on her face. Last night, with her evening bottle, we gave her Tylenol. She slept 9 hours. This morning, with her bottle at 10:30, I gave her another dose because she was doing the mouth thing that I think is indicating that her teeth hurt her. She's still sleeping.

I'm convinced. Certainly yesterday couldn't have been comfortable for her with the constipation, but I also think that her mouth was hurting her. A terrible combination.

Man. This mothering is a learning curve from hell. But, now we've got another tool in our arsenal to help her feel a little better. I'm not a big fan of medicating, but hell. If she's in that much pain and a little Tylenol can help her feel this much better, I'm all about it.

Today is a good day.

Random Mumbling

It's 6:27 AM and Bailey is barely asleep. This is okay, given that she slept for 9 hours last night, uninterrupted. Another good thing, because yesterday was tough.

We had switched Bailey's formula to AR Lipil because she has been spitting up. A lot. Like she'll drink 6 ounces and then spit up 3 of them. All over me. Which I find highly disgusting. And because I can't shower and change my clothes after each gurgly vomit session, I sought out a solution.

And it worked. The AR Lipil is made of an easy to digest rice starch that slightly expands in her belly, preventing it from coming up every time she hiccups, burps or gets upset. Groovy.

The problem is that after two days, the poor girl still hadn't pooped. She's a regular girl. Usually regular to the hour (every day at around 3 PM, right after her bottle). She produced one little hard pebble yesterday morning, after lots of straining. Then all day yesterday, in between long bouts of crying, she would strain and get the poop look, but nothing would happen. *sigh*

I played the press the legs back game and encouraged her while she was pushing. I even took her diaper off at one point to allow for a more natural exit if she could make it happen. No dice.

So, instead of a happy baby who didn't spit up on herself, I had a constipated baby who was (pardon the language) fucking miserable all day long and who wouldn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. She only got about 2 hours of broken sleep the entire day (from 8 AM until she went to bed at 7 PM). Any mother in the world will tell you that is NOT ENOUGH for an infant.

All was good in the morning. It wasn't until the afternoon, and the building exhaustion took over, that things really fell apart. We walked. We bounced. We sang. We played. We had alone time. We rode in the carrier. We went outside. We looked at the pictures on the wall. We did everything. Tried everything. As it turns out, Bailey was just tired and was in too much pain to sleep. She did end up crashing out for about a half hour when Kelly got home. But it was a tentative sleep at best and she ended up falling apart just as I served dinner (a delicious meal of BBQ'd corn, garlic potatos, asparagus and tofu). I tried the usual tricks that generally allow me to eat dinner - 10 minutes is all I need to get it all down. Didn't work.

I ended up having to set my food aside three bites into it and bring Bailey upstairs to do her nighttime routine. As I showed you yesterday, this usually calms her right down. Not yesterday. She cried the entire way through naked girl time - breaking for one split second to smile at me while I took her diaper off. She sobbed through bath time. She screamed while I put lotion on her and while Kelly got her into her pajamas.

Finally, the bottle hit her lips and we calmed down. We switched her back to her Gentleese formula in hopes of producing a poop. We figured that if one of us has to suffer (me withe the vomit or her with constipation) that the suffering should be mine. Seems like that is what parents do. She sucked down 8 ounces while we read to her and then she cried when I took the bottle away and burped her. She cried while I laid her down and spit out the binky when I gave it to her. She cried herself to sleep, which mercifully only took about 10 minutes. She didn't wake up again for 9 hours, and when she did, we discovered that at some point in the night, the formula had done the trick and she had pooped. It was hard and pebbly, but at least it was out. I suspect that her poop today will be better.

Meanwhile, I sat outside on the front porch and cried about what a horrible mother I was for feeling like this was a horrible job and for secretly wishing I could give her back...or at least trade her in for a less broken model.

Lordy. This is the hardest job I've ever done.

Pictures and Videos

Here are some recent (like a couple days ago) pictures and videos!

Look at me! Only 10 1/2 weeks old, and already, I can hold my head up and sit in my bumbo alone!!! My toes are pretty cool, too!

I wake up slowly and like to have the time to wake up on my own.

But I'm always happy to see Mommy or Momma coming to "rescue" me from my swinging bed!
But, I'm still tired. I think I'll just sit her and space out while Momma snaps pictures.
My, aren't you amusing. Hurry it up, Momma. I'm getting hungry.
Okay, ENOUGH! I've been patient long enough! Where is my bottle??? Can't you see I'm a starving girl??? (Notice here that she's NOT crying. She's yelling. LOL!)
Well, I wouldn't have to yell if you'd stop taking pictures and feed me. I mean, honestly, how many more ways can I say it?

Just to illustrate the hot/cold nature of our little doll, here is a video of her "fussy girl" time right before we bring her upstairs to begin her nightly bedtime rituals:



And here she is, just a mere five minutes later, enjoying herself immensely!!! This is "naked girl" time, which will be followed by a bath and then her bedtime bottle. She knows this and is very happy!

More Good News

Today is, apparently, just a good day! I got some really good news from my boss this afternoon. She and HR have approved an alternative work schedule for me!!!

Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I will be working from 9:30 AM to 5:30 PM. I'll spend the morning with Bailey and drop her off at daycare at around 7:45 AM. I'll catch the last bus into the city. I'll be home by 7 or 7:30 PM depending on the traffic and if I get caught up at work.

BUT...on Tuesday and Thursday, I'll leave the house at 5 AM and catch the 5:24 bus into the city. I'll be at work by 6:30 AM and will leave the office to catch the first bus home at 3 PM. I will pick Bailey up from childcare at around 4:15 or 4:30 and will get to spend the evening with her!!!

Kelly will work the opposite shifts from me.

What this means is that 1) Bailey will only be in child care for approximately 8 hours a day, 2) both Kelly and I will get some of the prime evening hours with her during the week, and 3) we will have an hour or two in the evenings after Bailey is in bed to spend together!!!!!!

For two people who commute about three hours a day, this is an absolutely IDEAL situation!!!!!

I am so freakin' happy. Have I mentioned how much I love my job?????

We Have a Date!

You might be wondering if I'm talking about a date for Kelly and I, but NO! What I'm talking about is a COURT DATE to finalize the adoption proceedings that will ensure that Kelly is never denied her legal rights as Bailey's mother!

On August 24th, Kelly and I will be in court with our daughter and the judge will put her stamp of approval on the papers that ensure that nobody can ever deny Kelly's right to parent our child. She will forever more be legally and financially responsible for Bailey. Should something ever happen to me, there will be no question about who "gets" Bailey.

More importantly, Bailey's birth certificate will be amended to read "Parent: Michelle McFadden. Parent: Kelly McFadden." No mother, no father. Just her two parents. The two people in this world who promise beyond all doubt to love her forever, and to make this gigantic place just a little more sweet.

If you are interested in being present for the proceedings, let us know and we'll give you the details. Anyone who wants to come is welcome to attend. Our attorney assures us that the courtroom on these days are like one big kids birthday party with all kinds of families being created and sealed by the court.

I can't wait!!!!

Growing Grouch

Goodness. When Bailey grows, so does her grouchiness. Lordy. I could just hide under the bed and rock back and forth.

Okay, so it's not really that bad. I am, afterall, the world's biggest drama queen. But it IS pretty bad. She's eating (or wanting to eat) constantly. We've had to change her formula, because she was spitting up almost as much as she was eating. Not fun, let me tell you. I love her dearly, but I'm not interested in having 5 ounces of vomit on me after each feeding. Yuck.

She's also developed this nice little habit of flailing her arms around while she is eating. I've started holding her arms down and telling her "no flailing, Bailey". In response, she looks at me and begins her extremely loud and high pitched whine while still sucking on the bottle. When I relax my grip on her arms, she continues to flail. So, I get to choose between the high pitched whine that makes me want to scream, or being hit by her little flailing hands...which also makes me want to scream.

And, to make matters worse, she's sleeping like absolute shit. Why is it that when she needs the sleep the most, she sleeps the worst? It takes her 20-30 minutes to fall asleep and then when she finally does get to sleep, the littlest thing wakes her. I'm not willing to let her sleep in our bed, and I'm not sure that she would even if I were to allow it. I'm just too heavy a sleeper. I can't ensure her safety, so it's a no go.

The crib still isn't working out. I keep trying, and she keeps hating it. They are sure going to have fun with her at the daycare. Lucky them.

But, on a more positive note - she's so incredibly engaged these days. Honestly, she just blows my mind with her ability to grasp a concept and then figure out how to recreate. For instance, she can turn the pages on the little book on her exersaucer. And this is not just reaching out and randomly, by mistake turning the pages. Oh no. She actually concentrates and uses her finger tips to grasp the little tab on the side of the page and pulls it. She doesn't get it every time and when she doesn't, she gets frustrated and yells at the book. It's funny and she's so freakin' smart!!!!

I realized this morning while she was playing in her exersaucer that she is beginning to grasp the concept that what she can't see is still there. I think this because she will work her way around in the exersaucer (yes, she can spin herself at 11 weeks), but then look over her shoulder for the toys that she can no longer see. She's making the connection that they are still there, even though they are not in her sight range. To encourage this, whenever I come up the stairs to get her when she wakes from a nap, I talk to her all the way up the stairs. I think that it helps her understand that I'm here, even if she can't see me.

Maybe not, but maybe it actually will help.

Anyway. She's starting to finally drift off and I need to shower. She hasn't slept much this morning and so I haven't had the time to get a shower in. I feel nasty. Time to make it happen while she sleeps...

The Last Week

The last week begins. I have five more days to be the primary care giver of my daughter.

I have mixed feelings...but not the ones you'd probably expect.

I have no doubt that Bailey is going to be just fine in child care. I went to child care, and I still bonded to my mother. I was fine. I have no physical or mental disorders because of it. Like anything, I have no doubt that it will be an adjustment for all three of us, and her first couple of weeks will probably be very difficult for all of us...but overall, she's going to be just fine.

My mixed feelings are this weird combination of excitement and guilt. I'm actually excited to be going back to work. I'm happy that I won't be her primary caregiver anymore. Not because I don't enjoy it (I do) but because I am so ready for there to be some Mikki that doesn't include Bailey. I am ready to have some of my individuality back. And, man, that makes me feel guilty!!!!

I feel like I'm supposed to be all broken up about taking our child to be cared for by other people...but I'm just not. Kelly is definitely struggling. She worries more than I do about Bailey in general, and she's worried about the transition for her. She will have much more time with Bailey without me around (which is a great thing...but like everything else, it's an adjustment). More than that, we both recognize that with the addition of an entire full time job, our lives are about to shift into super warp drive.

After this week, all the house cleaning, shopping and basic care for our home is going to have to take place on the weekends...which is also the only time that we'll have to spend as a family. I'm going to try to squeeze a lot of it into the mornings when I'm here with Bailey, but who knows if that will actually work out.

Either way, we're about to get super busy. If we though our relationship took a hit when Bailey came along, it's about to take another severe beating. Do you know how hard it is to try to be intimate, have conversation, be adults together when all you really want to do is roll over and fall asleep? We haven't gotten to that horribly snippy point with each other (we've been lucky that way, I think), but we have both noticed that our time together is almost gone. There are a lot more quick kisses, and a lot fewer lingering hugs.

I guess that is to be expected...but like I've said, it's an adjustment.

I'm looking forward to warp speed. It's how I work the best. I perform well under stress. The challenge for me is going to be letting go of my need for everything to be my way and just let our life happen. It's going to be more important to get quality time with my wife and daughter than it is that the house be spotless every day. I'm just going to need to remember that.

Have I Ever Mentioned...

...that I ADORE being Bailey's Momma?

I'm not sure that I've said that yet. Amidst all of my struggle and outright bitching about the ways things have changed, I may have forgotten to slip in there that this is such an incredible thing to be doing.

I love the way that she looks at me. I love her little smiles. I love it when we take a bath together and she quiets down and completely relaxes again my body, kicking her little arms and legs. I love the way she smells. I love the way her cheeks gives as I kiss those round little balls. I love the way that snuggles her face into my neck and seems to smell me. I love the little things she does that are so cute my heart nearly breaks. I love it that when I'm feeding her, she grabs my hands and clings to them. I love it when I catch her waking up and she lifts her little arms above her head, thrusts her back and hips up, lifts her chin to the sky and stretches like she's never stretched before.

I love how I feel when other people look at her and just coo and glow with her beautiful she is. I love it that for all my struggles and angst, Bailey is smart and beautiful and seems to be growing just fine. I love it that, in the end, this little doll baby is all ours and that we didn't have to struggle with infertility to make it happen.

I'm just in love with our Bailey. I'm in love with my role as her Momma. I've never loved a person like I love her. It goes without saying that words do not do justice to what my heart feels.

Finally. These seem to be the blissful motherhood feelings that I expected 10 weeks ago!

Growing Girl

We think our Bailey is going through that famed 3-month growth spurt. She's still about two weeks away from being three months, but these things are not an exact science, right?

She's eating like a starving person. 5 ounces every 2 1/2 - 3 hours and then about 8 right before bed. Last night, she had 4 ounces at 5:30 PM, then 8 ounces with one teaspoon of cereal at 7:45 PM. Then, she slept until 4:45 this morning (over 8 hours, if you're counting!). She was back up for another 5 ounces, then back down and she's still sleeping (it's almost 7 AM).

That's what I'm talking about.

Yesterday seemed to be a series of naps followed by eating, about 15 minutes of playtime and then some more napping.

With all the extra eating and sleeping, we can only assume that she's growing. It makes sense.

Yesterday, we went "school shopping". Bailey is heading to daycare after next week and I wanted to pick her up some cheap clothes. My philosophy about infant clothes is that they are in them for such a short period of time, that quality doesn't really matter (unless it effects how they fit). To that end, we went to WalM*rt and purchased five pairs of baby sweats, five white onsies and 10 pairs of socks that will actually stay on her feet. Everything is 6-9 month size and looks a little bit big. I'm hoping that they will last her through August. I didn't buy more because...well...like I said...she's growing! I don't want to send her in anything nice, because it's daycare. I want to make sure that she is comfortable and warm enough. I also want to make sure the providers have as easy a time changing her as possible. So...her first school shopping experience. It was fun!

Today, we grocery shop and get the house cleaned up. I want this weekend to be as simple as possible. We're having some friends down for BBQ this weekend, but other than that, it's going to be just us and I want to spend it relaxing.

Momma Love

It's amazing that love can multiply so quickly. I remember her first five weeks like an almost nightmarish haze. They were so difficult for me.

And now, it's like she's a whole new child. Literally. She's sweet, predictable and has a very distinct pattern of behaviors. She only cries when she's tired or hungry, and both are easily soothable. She's friendly, inquisitive, likes new people, enjoys playing, is easily amused and is just plain adorable.

I love her so much. I'm so glad that we got through that first major hurdle. I finally feel like an adequate mother.

Have I mentioned that I adore her??

Caught In The Act

I've mentioned before that Bailey hates to sleep when it's not dark outside. She struggles to fall into a deep sleep and is easily woken. Well, I've been noticing over the past couple of days that she has started to pull the blanket up over her face when I put her down. My guess is that she's figured out that it's darker when you do that! I always pull the blanket down off her face, because I'm paranoid...but I took a picture this morning before I did that.

She's so damn cute. And, apparently, smart!


AND...just to prove my post from yesterday about the inter-connectedness of her happiness and her tongue, I've managed to catch a few really cute shots. Notice that, if she's smiling, her tongue is showing...LOL!



Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule...

When She's Happy

When Bailey approves of whatever you are doing (cooing, making weird noises, smiling at her...whatever) she sticks out her tongue and kind of wags it around at you. Then she her face breaks into this huge smile.

You always know if you're on the right track with keeping her amuse if the tongue starts to come out.

Very cute...and something I don't ever want to forget!

Bubble Baths and Other Milestones

Just so that I don't forget these things:

At 8 weeks and 1 day old, Bailey weighed 14 Pounds, 9 ounces and was 24 inches long.

At 8 weeks and a couple of days, she sat up by herself for the first time. She had been leaning against some pillows and she pulled herself from a semi-reclined position and then proceeded to sit up unsupported for about 2 minutes. STRONG girl!

At 8 weeks and 5 days, Bailey drank 1 teaspoon of cereal in her bedtime bottle. She slept for 7 hours.

At 8 weeks and 6 days, Bailey drank 1 and 1/2 teaspoon of cereal in her bedtime bottle and slept for 8 hours. This was her first time sleeping through the night (from appoximately 8 PM - 4:15 AM). Since Kelly gets up at 4:35 and I'll be getting up at 4 AM...this is a full night. She got up, ate and then went back down for another three hours.

For the past week or so, Bailey will sit for many books in a row. Her favorites are Rainbow Fish, Baby Animals Counting (a bright pop up book), The Family Book, Barnyard Dance, Pokey Little Puppy and Unstoppable Me. She'll sit for approximately 20 minutes while you read to her.

She's got the nighttime ritual down to a science! Every night we have about 20 minutes of naked girl time, where she gets to be completely naked and we coo and talk to her. Then to the bath. Sometimes, Bailey and I bath together in the big bathtub (usually 2-3 times a week) and sometimes she gets a bath in her little tub. It really depends on how tired she is and how close to 7 PM it is. We try to have her out of the bath, lotioned up and in her sleeper by 7 or 7:15. She eats - this takes about 20 minutes with burping time - and then we cuddle. While she's eating Kelly and I read "I Love You, Goodnight" to her. Sometimes we read "Do You Love Me" as well. Cuddle time is when she falls asleep. She's usually asleep by 7:30. We put her in her swing and she usually wakes up. She'll fidget and whine for a while. Sometimes we play the game where she spits out her pacifier and then cries for it back. I have a limit of 2 times. I'll put it back in her mouth twice. After that, she does without. She's usually sound asleep by 8...but sometimes it is 8:30. She hates to sleep when it's not fully dark...we can't wait for the time change.

At 8 weeks, 5 days, Bailey took her first bubble bath with Momma. She loves the big bath. I hold her arms and she kicks her legs and watches as her toes peek out of the water. She had fun playing with the bubbles last night. I'm working on getting her to really love being in the water and to trust me while she is in the water. I'm going to teach her to swim as soon as possible. So far, it's working well. She LOVES her bath time with me.

At around 7 1/2 - 8 weeks, Bailey started wearing 9 month clothes comfortably. She's already begun to outgrow her size 2 diapers. We've purchased the Swaddlers, size 2-3 to transition her.

Her favorite pastime is still watching our faces as we mimic and make funny faces at her. She likes high pitched sounds. She still loves staring at the "mobile in the sky" (the ceiling fan) and she had yet to take any notice of the cats.

We've noticed that she will actively watch the TV if it's on and she's feeling a bit tired. For that reason, we turn the beast off. Very soon, we will ditch cable again. Now that I'm going back to work, I have very little need for it. We'll be back to our 20 channels for $14 a month. No TV for Bailey.

She's seriously growing up...

Love Is...

...watching your child wake up, stretch her little arms above her head, scrunch her face up and grunt and groan as she works out the kinks from a good night sleep.

...changing her diaper while she stares at you with her piercing blue eyes, smiling and cooing the entire time.

...laughing as she gets distracted by the mobile and arranges her beautiful features into an expression that says, "OH...that's still here!"

...holding your child as close as possible, while she grips your hands and stares into your eyes and eats.

...playing with her, watching explore the world around her and laughing as she discovers new sounds, textures, and colors.

...knowing just when she is ready to stop and have some quiet time.

...reading three stories together, while she melts into your arms and stares at the pages of the book.

...carrying her upstairs to her swing, putting her and covering her up. Watching her snuggle down as the swing begins to move.

...staring at her as her eyes get heavy and begin to close.

...smiling gently at her when she peaks her eyes open to make sure that you are still close.

Love is knowing that no matter how difficult, how trying, or how frustrating this may be, I will ALWAYS be my Bailey's Momma. Where she leads, I will follow. And hopefully, through all of this, I will be able to help clear the path of her life of some obstacles.

Love is knowing that I will always put her first, even when I don't want to.

Love is knowing that even on the worst of all possible days, in the midst of what might feel like hell, I would still choose to have her again.

When you read this, Bailey, years from now...know that I love you with all my heart. My struggles are not about you. They are mine, and your life is a blessing to me.

Oh...

The "Honesty" post is not directed at anyone, and it is not my intention to make anyone feel guilty. I'm just blogging about the world as I see it, my experience with mothering and everything that goes along with it. These are my emotions, my feelings, and it's my reality.

If you felt guilty or got defensive, you might want to think about why...

Pictures and Videos!

Oh, Happy Day!!!

I'm a SUPER STAR!

Wow...this new toy is pretty cool!

We now know what she'll look like when she's seriously concentrating on something...LOL!

Bemused Kelly-like expression...

Getting her morning work out...this is a NINE MONTH sleeper, by the way...

Practicing to give Lil' Kim a run for her money...

Don't let her fool you...she HATES her crib...

This is Bailey in her new exersaucer! This is footage for her very first time in it!



The next two videos are more exersaucer playtime, but the next morning. Notice her intensity...

Here's Some Honesty

I've been reading blogs and thinking about parenting for a long time. I've been preparing for parenting for years. I've actively wanted a child since I was 18 years old (I'm28 now), but knew that I wanted to be a parent long before then. Kelly and I spent years, literally, preparing for our child. During pregnancy, I read books and literature and talked to parents and tried to get as much information as I could. I read about postpartum depression and could list the symptoms for you if you wanted. I paid attention, I had the right attitudes. I did everything that any expecting mother could possibly do to ensure that the experience of motherhood was as simple as possible.

Well, it didn't turn out that way for me. Here's an analogy. You know when you are watching the high dive on the Olympics and the announcers make a really big deal about the next diver? You watch as they are climbing the stairs and all their past dives are being displayed. They are at the top of their game, the best of the best. And you anticipate this incredible dive - lots of loops and twists, perfectly aligned body that slips effortlessly into the water with no splash, an eruption of applause, game over for everyone else. Instead, the diver takes that first leap and everything goes wrong from there. The turns are sloppy, the legs come apart, the entrance into the water is crooked and a huge splash bombs out of the pool. The diver comes up, swims to the edge of the pool, climbs out and stands under the shower water pretending it never happened, barely blinking when the losing scores are flashed for the world to see. And everyone talks, and replays all the failures and slows it down and points out the flaws with their little white TV marker. And by the time the event is over, all you can remember is how badly that one diver fucked up.

That has been my experience with mothering. There was no smooth and graceful entry into this for me. I've have stumbled and bumbled and trodded my way through. I'm not great at this. Sure, I've got the tasks mastered. I mean, you change enough diapers and you get good at it. I mean, I'm not good at mothering. Not instinctual, at least.

And the worst part about it all is that NOBODY IS FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THIS PART. I KNOW I'm not the only woman to have struggled with this. I KNOW that I'm not the only mother who is so bored she could just scream. I KNOW that I'm not the only person to have wondered more than once if they made the right decision. I KNOW that I'm not the only person who is relieved to have the option of putting my child in childcare so that I can go back to work and have some space from this. I KNOW that I'm not, and yet, nobody else seems to want to talk about it.

I am so tired of having to remind myself that I'm NOT a bad mother because I don't fit that horrible fucking image we have of mothers out there. We (and I include myself in this, because I was just another judgmental fuck like everyone else before I lived through this experience) set mothers up. We tell them that this will be the most joyful experience and that all of a sudden they will develop this incredible ability to just let go of all of their own needs in order to be their child's mother. Not only will they be able to do it, but they will be happy about it! We expect human beings to simply shift their entire focus, and when they don't (or can't) we call them selfish and question their ability to be a good parent because of it.

Well, here's what I have to say to that: FUCK YOU and FUCK OFF. Because I AM a good mother, even though hanging out with Bailey isn't the best thing I've ever done. I DO love my child, even though I don't always like the constant tasks that go along with being her mother. I AM doing a good job at this, even though I haven't sunk into that blissful state that everyone seems to think mothers should live in.

It's not about being selfish or being a bad parent. And I refuse to remain silent anymore. I refuse to allow other people to define how parenting should be for me. Spend a couple of days walking in my shoes before you start telling me how to raise my child. If you think for one second that I don't wish this were easier for me, then you have the right to get right the hell out of my life. If I could fit your image of what you think a parent should be, I would. It would be so much easier if this truly were easy. I'd love that.

Because this is HARD WORK. This isn't a cake walk. It isn't simple. It isn't even very fun a lot of the time.

And we wonder why women get postpartum depression. We paint one very narrow little image of how a mother should be and SHAME her if she isn't that way. Well, I'm not that way. And my child is still beautiful. She is still the love of my life. She is still the best thing that ever happened to Kelly and I. I am still her Momma. And I'm still going to be the best parent I possibly can be.

But I'm not going to be silent and allow anyone to tell me that I'm supposed to feel differently. And when I talk about this being the hardest thing I've ever done, with the least amount of payback, feel free to leave if you don't like what you hear. Because I'm not going to stop talking. Someone has to be honest and willing to speak the truth for all those women out there who don't fit the June Cleaver mold.

Random Thoughts

Here is my radical idea for the day - let's outlaw all divorce, except where a person can prove just cause. By "just cause" I mean abuse in some form or another. In order to start to eradicate adultery, I think that we should charge a fine. If you are caught cheating on your spouse, you owe $2000. And that $2000 has to be earned outside of your normal source of income (so that the spouse who was cheated on isn't also having to pay). We'll have "work centers" where adulterers can go to earn the money that they have to pay in fines. Eventually, we'll weed out all the assholes who think that they should get married after knowing someone for 2 months and then act surprised when the person they married turns out to be different than they expected. I am so tired of all the holier-than-thou straight people of this world acting like they have a lock on marriage, just because they've been legally granted the rights to the title. OBVIOUSLY, with a 50% divorce rate, they've not got it all that right.

So, let's fix it. Let's take away the stupid requirement of heterosexuality and instead impose some REAL requirements on those couples who choose to make a LIFE LONG commitment to one another. In exchange for federal benefits, insurance benefits, pension and social security benefits, we should require that people actually stick together. The deal is this: if you marry your spouse before you are 100% certain that you want to go through all of life's shit with them and then change your mind later - TOO BAD. If you had wanted an "out" than don't take the freakin' vow.

I mean, honestly. Marriage isn't just a term. It's not just a legal structure. Isn't that what all this "sanctity of marriage" crap is all about? It's a vow to each other, to your children, to society. It's a way of saying, out loud, that no matter what happens, I'm in. I'm sticking with this person. Because I love them more than I love my ability to have sex with someone else, or to change my mind. More than I love my freedom to be independent. More than anything else, I love this person enough to commit my life, my heart, and my future to this person.

At least, this is my understanding of marriage. It doesn't matter how it's said. Kelly and I said our vows out loud to each other (at least the first set...) in a hot tub. But the commitment was already there. Before we got to that point, we had already decided that we were in. For better AND for worse. For the long term. No matter what. And we were able to make that decision because we knew who the other person was. All that glorious "new" had worn off. Our relationship was old and worn in by the time we made our vows to each other. I knew what I was getting...and any surprises that I've had have all been good. The person that I committed myself to was not a surprise to me. Because I took the time to get to know her before I gave her my future. And she did the same.

If more people took time, actually spent time falling in love and then falling out of love and then recommitting to the REAL person, we wouldn't have so many failed marriages.

And if you don't want to have no option, the solution is simple. DON'T GET MARRIED. But stop desecrating the vows that I take VERY, VERY seriously with your on again/off again bullshit crap that you call marriage. Just keep dating the person. Do what you want when you date someone. Wait to get married until you are sure.

How hard is that?

So Far...So Good

Well, we survived our first round of major shots. She had four - two in each leg, one right after the other. She cried until I picked her up, then she clung to me for a few minute. I gave her about an ounce of formula, then put her in her carseat with her binky. She fell sound asleep and is still sleeping now (three hours later). She's about to wake up and want her bottle. We'll keep her on Tylenol every four hours and hope that it doesn't get any more difficult!

Her other stats - she's grown to 24 inches (last time, she was 22 3/4 inches) and she weights 14 pounds, 9 ounces. Her head circumference is in the 50th percentile, her length is in the 95th percentile and her weight is off the charts. But, her growth curve is exactly as it should be, so there are no concerns. She's just a big girl. She's also extraordinarily healthy. The doctors are very, very pleased with her skin tone, her breathing, her development, her muscle development and her social development.

So...it looks like we have a very healthy, happy baby girl.

We're so proud of her. She's such an awesome child.

Pictures!

Two Moms, one a radical liberal feminist, the other a vegetarian, driving non-gas guzzling vehicles and living in a small house. It doesn't get more American than that.

No, seriously. We're as Apple Pie as it gets.

Would you take a look at my gut? Goodness. I must be hungry.

Okay - STOP looking at my gut. I'm just FLUFFY, darn it!!!!

When in doubt...sleep. And where else more appropriate than on Momma's boobs??? Ahhh...this is lovely...

Wow...what in the world is this??? (This is her first time the her high chair!)

Shots Today

Today is the dreaded shots. She gets four shots and one ingestible. Our poor baby girl. This is gonna suck.

We have cute pictures from yesterday. When I get home, if I have time, I'll upload some. She was our Star Spangled Baby yesterday!

Also, remind me...I have a rant about marriage. Or rather divorce. It's been brewing in my head for a couple of days. I've gotta get it out. But time flies...

Anyway - I'll be back with an update if I can get Bailey down after we get home. I'm hoping Tylenol and a little bit of Momma cuddling with make it all okay.

And I'm hoping that I don't cry harder than she does. Uggg...

Happy Fourth!

I love holidays that require no work. When Bailey is older and has been joined by a sibling or two, this holiday will become about BBQ's and swimming. We'll find a beach that we want to go to (with a fresh water lake) and make it a thing. For now, though, it's just a relaxing day where Kelly doesn't have to work. She's got a long list of little projects, and I'll care for Bailey so that she can do them.

Speaking of Bailey, her hearing tests were fine. It took a little while because they needed her to be completely quiet, completely still and NOT sucking anything. LOL. It was funny trying to make that happen. We eventually got it though, and without any doubts, her hearing is fine. Phew. One bullet dodged!

The movie last night was absolutely hysterical. I'm not sure that it was worth prime time movie theater prices, but I did laugh so hard that I cried at many scenes. I really enjoyed it and am VERY glad that we went. Bailey had an excellent time with Barb and Mark. It's so nice to leave her with a sitter and pick her up happy and content. She slept great last night, too. A good six hour stretch, then another three. She's napping now in in her crib. Or trying to anyway...

So, I'm off to shower while she sleeps. Happy Fourth everyone...

Midnight Adventures

Our sweet, adorable, perfect little Bailey baby turns into a wretched monster at night.

Okay. I'm overstating a bit.

What she does is wake up, want to eat and then REFUSES to go back to sleep without crying for 20 minutes. And we have to just put her down and let her cry herself to sleep or she won't go back down at all. See the problem is not that she's not tired. While she's eating, she falls asleep with her mouth wrapped around the bottle. I'll start to take it out of her mouth, and she frantically sucks. When there is about an ounce left, I take the bottle away and burp her. I do this, because burping her almost always promotes a crying fit. So, when we've gotten all the burps out, I give her the last ounce. She almost always falls asleep during this process. Then, I slowly, slowly, slowly and gentle maneuver myself from the bed and her into her swing. I get her covered up and the swing started. Somewhere in this, she will ALWAYS wake up and start crying.

And she doesn't stop until she falls asleep.

We try bringing her into bed with us to comfort her and let her relax there. Hell, I'd let her sleep with us if she fell asleep. All it does, though, is make her cry harder. AND she grabs at me, pulling on my hair and my skin...which just makes me mad in my sleepy state. She would eat more formula, but we would then pay for that with long vomit sessions and her upset tummy. We've got to monitor how much she eats...cause she'll eat until she vomits and then want more to fill up the space she just emptied.

So, we put her down and she cries (not the loud, panicky cry...just enough to make it impossible to sleep through her). Eventually she falls asleep.

My issue with this is that I worry about her feeling abandoned. I hate the thought that she might feel like we won't respond to her cries. The problem is that when we do respond, we make the situation worse. I'm torn.

I'm wondering if she's outgrowing the swing. I am going to spend this week putting her down for her daytime naps in her crib. This weekend, Kelly is going to move the crib into our room (where it will be until she's a year old) and we'll start putting her down in her crib exclusively. Perhaps the problem is that now her body is too cramped to be in the swing for long periods of time. I don't know...it's a theory. And even if that isn't the problem, she still needs to transition to her crib for sleeping.

We're back to getting way to little sleep as we deal with this new transition. Poor Kelly...the girl looks like a mac truck has hit her...and while she is coping really well, I feel badly. I do so much better than she does with little sleep. Hopefully this will pass soon...for all of our sakes.

Today, Bailey has a doctor's appointment to get her hearing tested. She failed three times in one ear (you know, the standard hearing test) so we have to take her to a specialist. Apparently, there is no indication that she has a hearing problem, just that she wouldn't be quiet for long enough for them to accurately perform it. LOL - our loud mouth girl. The specialist has better equipment and it won't take as long or need complete silence. If she does have a hearing problem, we'll deal with it. Better to know now.

Tonight, we're leaving Bailey with a sitter for a couple of hours and going to see License to Wed with Robin Williams. Every time I see the commercials I laugh so hard I cry, so off we go. Momma needs a good laugh and Kelly is so good at indulging me when I need a short break. I'm looking forward to it...

Ahhh...sleeping beauty awakes. We have to leave the house at 8:30, so I should run and get her dressed and fed. She'll probably still scream in the car, but that's to be expected. I'll wear her when we get there and that will fix it all...

Unbelievable...

Well, today marks two months since our Bailey made her appearance into this world and our lives. I am absolutely astounded by the changes that have occurred - in me, in us, in her. It seems like every surface, every texture, every sight, every sound has changed...even those that were seemingly untouched by her presence. My vision has changed. The world is no longer in shades of pink and purple, but rather a blend. There is threat out there that I never conceived of before I was tasked with keeping our child safe. There is beauty that I couldn't have ever wondered at if I had not been blessed with the kind of pure love that Bailey has brought us. My everything is different. There is no longer a "me" without Bailey and there never will be again. There is no longer an "us" without our child. There is no longer a world where the very core of it isn't this child and this life that we are providing for her.

The enormity of it all leaves me breathless. Scared almost, but then I remember that I'm someone's rock. Kelly and I are the sum total of what makes Bailey's life safe and secure. We cannot fail...and we won't. Never have I felt so weak or so strong. Parenting is the ultimate paradox.

It's the little things. Today, for Bailey's morning nap, I have laid her down in her crib. This is the first time that I've done that. She's only been in her crib one other time while I was working in her room, and she was awake. I was trying to entertain her then, and now I'm trying to get her to sleep. And she fell asleep immediately. She's in there now, covered with a blanket, safely enclosed by her positioner so that she doesn't role over, with her binky in her mouth, sound asleep. In her own bed. In her own room.

As happy as I am about this (she needs to be comfortable in a crib, since that is where she'll sleep at daycare), it makes me sad. Already, she starts to need me less as she grows. I know, I know...it will change and she's only 8 and half weeks old. But still. As much as I've needed my space, I feel empty when I get it. It's strange. It's an experience that I've never had before and honestly, I struggle within each moment to know how to cope.

I can almost hear Kelly right now (or Kelly's mom, actually) telling me to just relax and enjoy the moments. Enjoy each one of them. But that isn't me. I take each emotion out and examine it. I roll it around and figure out where it fits and how to describe it. Very, very rarely do I ever just sit and enjoy something. I'm inquisitive and I want to know where the emotions fit in the pattern of my life.

Now, I can see Kelly smiling. She, of everyone else in this world, understands that about me the most.

I can see myself in Bailey more and more. It's profound to see myself reflected back. It's odd to see traits of myself in a person who is not me. It's funny to see how those characteristics play out and combine with those that are uniquely Bailey. What's really incredible for me is that already, I can see Kelly in Bailey. There are moments when Bailey looks at me and it's like Kelly is staring at me. Sometimes when I'm playing with Bailey, she just watches me with this slightly amused expression on her face. It's the same expression that Kelly gets when I'm dancing around the kitchen or doing something crazy to get her attention. I love Bailey the most in those moments...if it's possible to quantify a love that has no end.

I think the thing that is the most different is that I am no longer the biggest person in this house. I'm no longer the most important. For someone like me, that's hard. It was even harder to accept that the source of most of my struggle was jealousy over the kind of attention that Bailey commands from everyone. Human emotion is intense, and the stuff that comes out of me is generally more intense than most. I don't take a backseat very well. It's taken me this long to realize/figure out/remember that for now (forever?) Bailey will be our first priority. And then her sibling. It will be years until it's just me and Kelly again...and even then, every parent I know says that it never ends. It's amazing, really, these changes.

So this is long and rambling. I'm able to do it because she's sleeping in her crib, on her own. I should go...shower, clean up, do laundry, prep dinner while I have my hands free. The endless list of chores still needs to be done.

Have a happy day, everyone!