2 Years

Two years ago today, my older brother died. I wish that I were in Maine today, at Lois's Point. I'd like to sit by the water, watch the waves crash and remember the day that we put his ashes into the ocean. I'd like to go out for a nice dinner, sitting outside somewhere, and feel the cool ocean breeze on my face and remember how much he loved dining at nice places and feeling the breeze. I'd like to be with my younger brother, who was the one who knew him best, and listen to the stories of crazy days in Cancun, Mexico.

I'd love to have a few minutes to introduce him to Bailey and to introduce him (properly) to Kelly.

More than anything, I'd love the chance to just sit with him for a few minutes, smoke a cigarette, and talk about growing up.

I love you, Rodney. I remember you every day.

Our Little Reader

She's just like her Momma...really...she is...

Yep..she's actually sleeping in her crib with some regularity...

But sometimes, life is still hard...
This is how I wake up!

Kelly's Two Cents (worth $1)

It’s been a while since I posted on the blog, but the changes that have occurred over the last three months necessitate a posting.

A few weeks ago, while passing time on my commuter bus, I scribbled a few comments on the back of my to-do list. As it ended up, I wrote a Top 10 list of things I have learned since Bailey was born (in no specific order):

<>1) A baby with a mouth full of drool will shoot it across the room when sneezing.
2) “Naked girl” time is grrrrrreat!
3) Saying and doing are two incredibly different things.
4) Embrace change (otherwise it will eat you alive).
5) Always leave ½ hour early to be on time.
6) Invest in baby products and methods that offer back support and comfort (buy a good baby carrier).
7) A 10+ pound baby does not offer a body time to adjust to packing around a baby all day (Maverick, you’ll agree with this one).
8) Constipation takes on a whole new meaning.
9) Never prepay for services you might not use (if you expect a refund).
10) Not all nurses and doctors are evil “anti-experience” creatures.

There are of course the obvious changes: the feeling of selflessness, sleepless nights, and many, many others. But what is most on my mind are the nonconspicuous items. Let’s take a look at number 3.

You know how people always talking about finding support where they least expect it when they need it most. If this like the expression, “The glass is half full,” then what about the half that is empty? Does this mean that no support was offered from those who you most expected it from? Let me just say that we fall into both of those categories. We have received support where we least expected it, but we have also received little or nothing from sources where we expected it.

Is it wrong to say “expect”? That brings me to number 4 above. Again, there are the obvious changes that relate to Bailey, but I’m talking about the adults. Mikki and I have had to put on our big girl panties and accept the reality that people and circumstances change. Whether we like that change or not is not ours for deciding. We simply have to accept. How this ties to Bailey though is that it affects the relationship people have with her. We are working through some very serious emotional shit to try to be okay with this. Ahh…maybe I’m rambling and no one gives a damn.

But at the end of the day, we go to sleep knowing that we are able to kiss and hug our perfectly healthy daughter that we love dearly anytime we want. That is all that matters. ~Kelly

Happy 3 Months, Bailey!

Today is our Bailey's three month birthday!!! I cannot believe that it's already here, and yet it seems like she's been around forever. I think everyone says that, huh? We are going to celebrate on Saturday evening with some homemade cupcakes! If you're in the area and want to drop by, feel free!

In other very exciting news, Bailey rolled over for the first time yesterday! We were at the doctor's office and she was in her diaper. I put her onsie above her head, and she wanted to reach it. She just kept craning her neck around and pulling her hips and legs with her. Over she went! She was as surprised as I was!!!! It was a very excited moment in what was a very difficult day.

According to the doctor, nothing is wrong with Miss. B. Her very low-grade fever is not an issue. She might have some kind of small virus, but nothing to be worried about. She really is okay. She slept much better last night, and Kelly reported that she seemed happy this morning. No more diarrhea and she ate just fine. So...that's good!

As for my appointment last night. It sucked. Quite simply put, everyone (including a therapist who is supposed to specialize in "women's issues") wants to make my issues about the stress I feel over having a difficult baby. I'm not sure how to get across to people that THE PROBLEM IS NOT BAILEY!!!! Yes, she's difficult. Yes, she's fussy. Yes, Kelly and I are stressed and stretched pretty thin right now. All of that is true. But what I'm feeling is beyond all of that. Kelly is in the same situation that I am in, but she doesn't dream about leaving her child. She doesn't have horrible feelings of regret. She doesn't internalize every mistake and blame herself for the things that can't get done. She doesn't lay there at night and cry herself to sleep.

Those things are not within the realm of normal stress. I truly believe that this is a hormonally driven imbalance. In other words, postpartum depression!!!!!

I am not ashamed to admit when I need some help. I'm not ashamed that I might find comfort and relief from this via drugs. I'm not upset that this is my reality. I want to be a better mother and a better partner. I want to feel okay. I'm willing to do what it takes to make that happen. My goal with going to talk therapy was to supplement the drugs that I'm hoping to get on, not find a way to blame the feelings I'm having on something other than a hormonal cause.

So, my appointment sucked. I'm going to make an appointment with my primary doctor for sometime really soon to get put on antidepressants (or whatever they prescribe for postpartum depression). I have faith that will help.

I know that this is not my fault. I know that my feelings of guilt and inadequacy are normal, given my situation. I know that I don't have to feel this way. I know that I will get through this. And I know that the problem is not my daughter and not my wife.

Speaking of my wife - thank you, honey, for being so supportive and helping me through this. I couldn't do this without you. I love you with all my heart...

What I Do Know

What I do know is that when I finally hit a wall and I feel like there is no way through what I'm feeling, I need help.

I've taken today off work to spend a couple of hours in silence. Tonight, I have an appointment with a therapist to talk about postpartum depression.

I know enough to know that Bailey deserves a well mother, that Kelly deserves a present partner and that I deserve some peace from these feelings that I can't control and I can't make go away.

Another First

Yes, the very first dreaded cold of her time at childcare is upon us. Our Bailey is home today, all stuffed up, coughing up phlegm and generally feeling poopy. We've consulted with her doctor, who told us just to love her a little more, keep her on Tylenol for any aches and pains, and to watch for fever. We're keeping her out of childcare for today and maybe tomorrow.

Maybe we're panicking...but this is her FIRST time feeling shitty. Makes us both feel SOOOO bad for her!!!!!

Another Video

Here is another video of Bailey talking to Kelly on that same night. We haven't had much chance to take pictures or videos...but I promise we'll try to do better!

Mundane

I could go on and on about how exhausted Kelly and I are. I could talk for a million years about how difficult it is to parent a child as active and as engaged as Bailey. I could scream, I could cry, I could beg for a break and still nothing will change the reality.

Kelly and I are in this thing and we're both stretched as tight as we can go. The only reason that we haven't broken yet is that we have each other and we have a daughter that needs us. We collapse into bed at night and take a few deep breaths, hold hands and fall asleep. It's not enough to keep our relationship going, but for now it'll have to do. It's all we've got for each other.

I spent a good part of the weekend crying. Kelly would have too, if she were a cryer. It's shitty to feel like the greatest thing we've ever done is the most difficult. It's hard to be this strung out. It's hard to keep doing it, even when the self-protection instinct says to just run away.

And blah, blah, blah. I've said it all before. It's gotten old. I'm sick of saying the same things. I'm sick of feeling the same things. We need a break, but 2 hours isn't enough time to rejuvenate, and we have no family here.

So, for now, I'm going to enjoy watching our beautiful daughter swing beside me and start to wake up. I'm going to savor each peaceful, easy moment in an effort to make the difficult ones a little easier. I'm going to hug Kelly more, and try to forgive myself for what I perceive to be my failings as a mother and partner.

I think that all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep waiting for the day when it gets just a little bit easier.

The Other Half of my Brain

willing to fight - ani difranco

the windows of my soul
are made of one way glass
don't bother looking into my eyes
if there's something you want to know,
just ask
i got a dead bolt stroll
where i'm going is clear
i don't have time for you to wonder
i'll just tell you why i'm here

'cause i know the biggest crime
is just to throw up your hands
say
this has nothing to do with me
i just want to live as comfortably as i can
you got to look outside your eyes
you got to think outside your brain
you got to walk outside you life
to where the neighborhood changes

tell me who's your boogieman?
that's who i will be
you don't have to like me for who i am
but we'll see what you're made of
by what you make of me
i think that it's absurd
that you think i
am the derelict daughter
i fight fire with words
words are hotter than flames
words are wetter than water

i got friends all over this country
i got friends in other countries too
i got friends i haven't met yet
i got friends i never knew
i got lovers whose eyes
i've only seen at a glance
i got strangers for great grandchildren
i got strangers for ancestors

i was a long time coming
i'll be a long time gone
you've got your whole life to do something
and that's not very long
so why don't you give me a call
when you're willing to fight
for what you think is real
for what you think is right

To Tide You Over...

Here's a video of Bailey taken on Tuesday of her talking to Kelly during her naked girl time. She just doesn't talk to me this way...she saves her best conversations for her Mommy!!! I promise, I'll post more pictures and an update on Bailey this weekend!

An Update

I promise that I'll post more when I have longer to write. Both Kelly and I are extremely busy at work and working through the transition of me back to work. We rush to work, rush home and then spend as much time together and with Bailey as we can.

What I can say is that it is working beautifully. Bailey is transitioning easily. Her eating habits are staying the same, she is sleeping just fine and she seems just as happy as she ever has. The only thing that I have noticed is that she requires a lot more snuggling when we get her home from daycare. I suspect that it is a comfort thing and that she is missing all the time she spent in my arms for the first three months of her life. She doesn't seem distraught by the changes, though, much to our relief.

In fact, we don't mind that she wants snugly time, because that's what we want too!

All said, we are both extremely pleased by the center and the care that Bailey is receiving. It's incredible to NOT feel horrible about putting her in childcare...I've heard some pretty awful stories from people who have a different experience than we've had. I feel very fortunate that we are one of the lucky ones.

You know, we didn't get so lucky with Bailey's immediate disposition. She was extremely difficult at first, not laid back and that was tough. But, it seems that those very same qualities that made it so hard in the beginning are making it so much easier now. She's resilient, independent, curious and interested. She fascinated by the other kids, the sounds, the sites and loves new people. She doesn't act like she misses us...she just seems to be okay with it.

Now, it's only been two days. But, the first few days can tell a lot. And so far, we're happy. Very happy.

She did GREAT!

That's the short version of the story. The longer version goes like this:

SHE DID GREAT!!!! LOL!

Seriously, yesterday was a fabulous day all around. I think it was little more stressful for Kelly than it was for Bailey and I, but that stands to reason. The morning went smoothly, except that Bailey wouldn't eat for me. I was up and showered by 5 AM and then got Bailey up at around 6:30 AM. I wanted to leave lots of time at the center in case I had questions or anything. Bailey was still sleeping and needed to be woken, which I did slowly. We played for a few minutes and then I dressed her and got her ready for the day. I tried to feed her a bottle, but she seemed to play with it.

ASIDE: Bailey seems to be going through this weird stage of eating. She plays with her bottle, drinking a couple of ounces and then spitting out the rest until you take the bottle away. Rather than force feed her, we let her spit it out and then come back to it. The problem, though, is that she seems to want to come back to it after 10 or 15 minutes, and at her daycare, they don't seem to do that. Yesterday, they fed her 8 AM and she took 3 ounces (she usually eats 6 in a setting). The didn't feed her again until 11 AM (which is the appropriate three hours), and again she only took 3.5 ounces. They fed her again at 11:30, another 2 ounces. That interval seems appropriate, but I am worried about her only taking 3 ounces in three hours. Seems like she was probably hungry. Then again, Bailey is incredibly efficient about getting her needs met (screaming generally does the trick), so if she was hungry, she would have been screaming. So...hmmm...

Anyway - I took her to child care, and it was great. They were immediately comforting to me and Bailey didn't react negatively. She seemed fine. In fact, she seemed interested in all the new colors, sounds, and people. When I left, she was on a playmat, laughing and talking to the mirror above her. They were getting ready to feed her. When I called the first time, she was napping (it only lasted 30 minutes, but still...). When I called the second time, she was having her 11 AM feeding and had pooped and everything was fine. When Kelly picked her up, she was sitting in a bouncy chair just hanging out and looking at everything around her.

So, it went well. When she got home, she was exhausted and Kelly put her down for a nap. She slept for 2 1/2 hours!!! She got back up and played for a couple of hours and then went down for the night at 7 PM. She slept until 2:30 this morning, ate and then went back down until 6 AM.

When she is doing full days (Kelly got her early yesterday at 12:45), she is going to be absolutely exhausted by the time we get there to pick her up. It is likely that she will come home and crash out for a while. I wonder if our nighttime will change a bit - if she'll end up napping when we get home at 4 PM and then staying up a bit later. We'll see.

They said that she was fine during the day. They commented many times that she was incredibly advanced for her age. She did her sleeping thing, where she pulls the covers over her face to try and block out the light. She will eventually figure out rolling over and will learn that she can bury her face in her arms when she's on her belly...she'll probably start sleeping better when she figures this out.

I was fine yesterday. I rushed home from work and was able to get there just in time to jump into the bath with her. I was able to take a short bath with her and then do the nighttime bottle feeding (lots of cooing and snuggling). It was nice to have this unexpected time with her. I missed her like crazy yesterday, but wasn't worried about her. I wasn't upset to not be with her, and I knew that she would be alright at childcare. What I did miss was holding her close to me. It felt weird to be seperated from her, and I physically ached for the closeness. Her smells, her ways of moving...that stuff.

Kelly struggled with knowing that she wasn't with me. That part of it is harder for her, because she has been working for a couple of months now and leaving Bailey all day...but with the comfort of knowing that she was with me. Now, it's a different story and that was tough for her.
But, all told, it went well. I am very encouraged. We have had nothing that would indicate that we won't be perfectly happy with this arrangement and Bailey seems like she is going to be just fine. In fact, I suspect with all the other kids around, that Miss. Bailey will talk sooner, walk sooner and generally develop faster than she would if she were at home. After all, there's so much to do and see and be a part of...and right now, she can't get to it on her own. I bet that will change quickly...LOL!

First Day Back

I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to let everyone who is following our saga know that the first day back had gone okay so far. Bailey is going well, she was fine at the drop off and seems to be adjusting well.

I'll post more when I have time...right now, I'm still trying to get my bearings here at work!!!!

Thinking About Rodney

Yesterday, while I was driving home from somewhere, I heard "The Rose" by Bette Midler. I hadn't heard it in years, and I found myself driving along, crying about my brother for the first time in about a year.

Rodney died in August of 2005, but it was around this time in 2005 that he was nearing the end of his life. After a massive drug overdose, and close to 6 weeks of up and down deterioration, we decided that he would be taken off life support. At this time two years ago, we hadn't yet made that decision, but we were close.
Two years ago, Kelly and I were going to move to Maine. As a way to get us all together and to save money on the movers, I had asked my brothers to help us move. The deal was that we would pay for their flights and they would be our heavy lifters. We had it all mapped out. And it was perfect - we would all end up being together for a little bit of a family reunion.

Instead, Kelly got a great job offer and we ended up not moving to Maine. Rather than cancel the trip, we all agreed to still get together in Maine. Matt and Rodney planned this really cool multiple day journey to Boston with their respective girlfriends. It was going to be a great time.

But before that could happen, Rodney had his drug overdose. We all flew to West Palm Beach thinking that he was going to die (that is what the doctors had told us). He didn't die. Not yet. I left after two days, because I was so angry that I couldn't be near him. I was so frustrated that he had done this to himself. But that is another story.

Instead of canceling the trip to Maine, Matt and I still went. Rodney was in a skilled nursing facility at the time, as it looked like he might have some sort of recovery. The brain works in mysterious ways and apparently the cells take a while to die, even after they have been permanently and irreparable damaged. For 6 weeks, we didn't know what would happen. He was on state aide, so the bounced him around to skilled nursing facilities and then back to the hospital when he started to deteriorate more. The bitch of it all is that we are not rich, and couldn't spend the money to be with him. Eventually, we had to go back to our respective lives. He was all alone down there, in a persistive vegetative state.

Anyway, so Matt and I ended up in Maine for what was supposed to be a family reunion. It didn't feel like much of a reunion. A day into the trip, Mom got a call from a hospice nurse who happened to be working a shift at the hospital Rodney was staying at. After a long conversation with her, and then long conversations with Matt and I, we all decided that Rodney would not want to be kept alive by artificial means. He was too vibrant in life to "live" that way.

So we went back to West Palm Beach. The three of us spent 10 days with him in hospice while he wasted away. We watched him die and then we watched him rot. I say it that way because in the beginning, you could still tell there was life in his body. His spirit hadn't left yet. I swear, there were moments when I was sitting by his bed and holding his hand and talking to him that I would look into his eyes and he was there. I remember thinking, "Dear God, his spirit is trapped in this dying body. He needs to be free." I remember grieving, knowing that I would never hear his voice again.

I can't remember at what point I realized that Rodney was gone. What I remember is that the room stopped feeling like a peaceful place of dying and started feeling like a tomb. The smells changed from our normal smells to that of death and decay. It started to feel creepy, where before it had felt peaceful. I would leave and go out and smoke more often. Sitting outside in that horrible, hot and humid air, I would stare into the sky and try to soak up as much heat and life as I could. Walking back into that dark, cold room was so hard. They kept it very cold in there. To keep the smell of death to a minimum, I suspect. I would look at my brother, with his head cocked back at an unnatural angle, the skin on his lips peeling away from lack of water, his skin turning pasty and gray and sinking into his face, and wonder how I would ever recover from seeing that.

Eventually, I had to leave. Leave the hospice. Leave the state. I had to come back home, to my wife's arms. To the only place that felt warm to me. I needed to be reheated from the inside. I needed for her to reach through the pain of that experience and remind me that death was not coming and that I was still alive.

I left before Rodney's body died. I left on a Wednesday. I returned to work on Thursday. On Friday, at about 3:30 in the afternoon, I got a call from my mother that Rodney's body had finally given up and he was gone. It was August 5th. I walked from work to meet Kelly. We went out to dinner - PF Changs and I drank a mixed berry martini. I remember every minute of that walk, of the dinner, of the martini. I remember that I felt numb, and how blissful it felt to feel that way. I had been so consumed and every emotion had felt like it was on overdrive for so many days. With his death, I was finally able to let go and begin to accept that he was gone.

This picture was taken at my graduation in May of 2002. It was the last time we were all together. Rodney came to visit me in DC early in 2003. In June of 2004, he overdosed on drugs and we all flew to West Palm Beach. He made a full recovery that time. In June of 2005, he overdosed on drugs again, and I never heard his voice again.

I miss him everyday. I wish that he hadn't lived so hard. I wish that he could meet Bailey. I wish that he had a chance to find real, lasting love. I wish that we had spent more time together and that our relationship hadn't been so rocky. I wish I hadn't felt so angry when he died. I wish that his death hadn't been so incredibly visual. I wish that I could remember him, without remembering the way that he died.

Most of all, I wish him peace. Where ever you are, whatever happens in the end, I hope that you have found peace, big brother.

The Rose - Bette Midler

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

Harry, Harry, Harry

There are very few things in this world that are more important to me than spending time with Kelly and my daughter. I love our weekends together. I get everything done on Friday so that I can spend as much time with them, uninterrupted by the mundane tasks of living, as possible. Most of the time, there is nothing that matters more to me.

But not this weekend. This weekend, a man is taking over my life. That's right, folks...a man by the name of Harry Potter is taking over!

My book, according to UPS, is in Waldorf. It will be delivered sometime tomorrow...hopefully early. And the second that 800 page book gets into my hands, I'm reading.

Now...I know that I will have to take a couple of breaks. I'm fully aware that at some point, I'll need to give Kelly a break from baby duty. And I might have to pee and eat as well. Maybe. But, for the most part, I'm doing nothin' but reading.

Just to give you an idea...at the last release, I attended that midnight party (something I haven't ruled out this year. If I find that I can't sleep tonight, I just may sneak out and get a copy from my local bookstore...). I picked up my book at around 2:00 AM. I read until 6:30 in the morning, slept for a couple of hours, than read for another eight hours. Oh yes, friends, I'm serious about this.

I LOVE THESE BOOKS!!! And given that I have spent the last three months devoting myself entirely to parenting (and bitching about parenting), I think that I deserve a couple of hours to read. Don't you?

This muggle is addicted.

I'm So Lucky

Look at my beautiful family. Aren't they absolutely perfect?? I truly am a very lucky woman...

Rollercoaster

It's up and then it's down...and then it's back up.

After sleeping 9 hours last night (from 7 PM - 4 AM), she crashed out again this morning from 4:30 - 8:15 AM. She never did wake up when I was writing that last post. She did, however, manage to poop again at some point during that morning sleeping session and it looked MUCH better. (It feels strange to say poop looked good...but there you have it.) She got up and ate (she only wanted 4 ounces). She didn't vomit much. We played on the bed. We played in the exersaucer. I wore her and we explored the house and stared at each other in the mirror. We giggled. We laughed. We smiled and stuck our tongues out at each other. At around 10:15, Bailey let me know she was hungry again by starting her fussing and putting her hands in her mouth so far that she gagged herself. (She likes to make her point). I mixed up a bottled with six ounces and brought her upstairs. She ate, stopping midway to burp and puke (not so bad this time) and then she finished. After she finished she giggled for a few minutes and then fussed a little, and then went to sleep. She was sleeping at around 10:45. She's still sleeping. It's 12:51.

I've been trying to figure out what the difference is. It's not me. The formula is different. But, what I think is the true winner is...TYLENOL!!!!

Bailey is teething. I don't care what people say about age. She drools constantly, she brings everything to her mouth and she chews on anything that can get to it. And her little gums have this little hard spots on them and she gets really excited when we press on those spots. You can almost see the relief on her face. Last night, with her evening bottle, we gave her Tylenol. She slept 9 hours. This morning, with her bottle at 10:30, I gave her another dose because she was doing the mouth thing that I think is indicating that her teeth hurt her. She's still sleeping.

I'm convinced. Certainly yesterday couldn't have been comfortable for her with the constipation, but I also think that her mouth was hurting her. A terrible combination.

Man. This mothering is a learning curve from hell. But, now we've got another tool in our arsenal to help her feel a little better. I'm not a big fan of medicating, but hell. If she's in that much pain and a little Tylenol can help her feel this much better, I'm all about it.

Today is a good day.

Random Mumbling

It's 6:27 AM and Bailey is barely asleep. This is okay, given that she slept for 9 hours last night, uninterrupted. Another good thing, because yesterday was tough.

We had switched Bailey's formula to AR Lipil because she has been spitting up. A lot. Like she'll drink 6 ounces and then spit up 3 of them. All over me. Which I find highly disgusting. And because I can't shower and change my clothes after each gurgly vomit session, I sought out a solution.

And it worked. The AR Lipil is made of an easy to digest rice starch that slightly expands in her belly, preventing it from coming up every time she hiccups, burps or gets upset. Groovy.

The problem is that after two days, the poor girl still hadn't pooped. She's a regular girl. Usually regular to the hour (every day at around 3 PM, right after her bottle). She produced one little hard pebble yesterday morning, after lots of straining. Then all day yesterday, in between long bouts of crying, she would strain and get the poop look, but nothing would happen. *sigh*

I played the press the legs back game and encouraged her while she was pushing. I even took her diaper off at one point to allow for a more natural exit if she could make it happen. No dice.

So, instead of a happy baby who didn't spit up on herself, I had a constipated baby who was (pardon the language) fucking miserable all day long and who wouldn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. She only got about 2 hours of broken sleep the entire day (from 8 AM until she went to bed at 7 PM). Any mother in the world will tell you that is NOT ENOUGH for an infant.

All was good in the morning. It wasn't until the afternoon, and the building exhaustion took over, that things really fell apart. We walked. We bounced. We sang. We played. We had alone time. We rode in the carrier. We went outside. We looked at the pictures on the wall. We did everything. Tried everything. As it turns out, Bailey was just tired and was in too much pain to sleep. She did end up crashing out for about a half hour when Kelly got home. But it was a tentative sleep at best and she ended up falling apart just as I served dinner (a delicious meal of BBQ'd corn, garlic potatos, asparagus and tofu). I tried the usual tricks that generally allow me to eat dinner - 10 minutes is all I need to get it all down. Didn't work.

I ended up having to set my food aside three bites into it and bring Bailey upstairs to do her nighttime routine. As I showed you yesterday, this usually calms her right down. Not yesterday. She cried the entire way through naked girl time - breaking for one split second to smile at me while I took her diaper off. She sobbed through bath time. She screamed while I put lotion on her and while Kelly got her into her pajamas.

Finally, the bottle hit her lips and we calmed down. We switched her back to her Gentleese formula in hopes of producing a poop. We figured that if one of us has to suffer (me withe the vomit or her with constipation) that the suffering should be mine. Seems like that is what parents do. She sucked down 8 ounces while we read to her and then she cried when I took the bottle away and burped her. She cried while I laid her down and spit out the binky when I gave it to her. She cried herself to sleep, which mercifully only took about 10 minutes. She didn't wake up again for 9 hours, and when she did, we discovered that at some point in the night, the formula had done the trick and she had pooped. It was hard and pebbly, but at least it was out. I suspect that her poop today will be better.

Meanwhile, I sat outside on the front porch and cried about what a horrible mother I was for feeling like this was a horrible job and for secretly wishing I could give her back...or at least trade her in for a less broken model.

Lordy. This is the hardest job I've ever done.

Pictures and Videos

Here are some recent (like a couple days ago) pictures and videos!

Look at me! Only 10 1/2 weeks old, and already, I can hold my head up and sit in my bumbo alone!!! My toes are pretty cool, too!

I wake up slowly and like to have the time to wake up on my own.

But I'm always happy to see Mommy or Momma coming to "rescue" me from my swinging bed!
But, I'm still tired. I think I'll just sit her and space out while Momma snaps pictures.
My, aren't you amusing. Hurry it up, Momma. I'm getting hungry.
Okay, ENOUGH! I've been patient long enough! Where is my bottle??? Can't you see I'm a starving girl??? (Notice here that she's NOT crying. She's yelling. LOL!)
Well, I wouldn't have to yell if you'd stop taking pictures and feed me. I mean, honestly, how many more ways can I say it?

Just to illustrate the hot/cold nature of our little doll, here is a video of her "fussy girl" time right before we bring her upstairs to begin her nightly bedtime rituals:



And here she is, just a mere five minutes later, enjoying herself immensely!!! This is "naked girl" time, which will be followed by a bath and then her bedtime bottle. She knows this and is very happy!

More Good News

Today is, apparently, just a good day! I got some really good news from my boss this afternoon. She and HR have approved an alternative work schedule for me!!!

Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I will be working from 9:30 AM to 5:30 PM. I'll spend the morning with Bailey and drop her off at daycare at around 7:45 AM. I'll catch the last bus into the city. I'll be home by 7 or 7:30 PM depending on the traffic and if I get caught up at work.

BUT...on Tuesday and Thursday, I'll leave the house at 5 AM and catch the 5:24 bus into the city. I'll be at work by 6:30 AM and will leave the office to catch the first bus home at 3 PM. I will pick Bailey up from childcare at around 4:15 or 4:30 and will get to spend the evening with her!!!

Kelly will work the opposite shifts from me.

What this means is that 1) Bailey will only be in child care for approximately 8 hours a day, 2) both Kelly and I will get some of the prime evening hours with her during the week, and 3) we will have an hour or two in the evenings after Bailey is in bed to spend together!!!!!!

For two people who commute about three hours a day, this is an absolutely IDEAL situation!!!!!

I am so freakin' happy. Have I mentioned how much I love my job?????