You might be wondering if I'm talking about a date for Kelly and I, but NO! What I'm talking about is a COURT DATE to finalize the adoption proceedings that will ensure that Kelly is never denied her legal rights as Bailey's mother!
On August 24th, Kelly and I will be in court with our daughter and the judge will put her stamp of approval on the papers that ensure that nobody can ever deny Kelly's right to parent our child. She will forever more be legally and financially responsible for Bailey. Should something ever happen to me, there will be no question about who "gets" Bailey.
More importantly, Bailey's birth certificate will be amended to read "Parent: Michelle McFadden. Parent: Kelly McFadden." No mother, no father. Just her two parents. The two people in this world who promise beyond all doubt to love her forever, and to make this gigantic place just a little more sweet.
If you are interested in being present for the proceedings, let us know and we'll give you the details. Anyone who wants to come is welcome to attend. Our attorney assures us that the courtroom on these days are like one big kids birthday party with all kinds of families being created and sealed by the court.
I can't wait!!!!
7/17/2007
Growing Grouch
Goodness. When Bailey grows, so does her grouchiness. Lordy. I could just hide under the bed and rock back and forth.
Okay, so it's not really that bad. I am, afterall, the world's biggest drama queen. But it IS pretty bad. She's eating (or wanting to eat) constantly. We've had to change her formula, because she was spitting up almost as much as she was eating. Not fun, let me tell you. I love her dearly, but I'm not interested in having 5 ounces of vomit on me after each feeding. Yuck.
She's also developed this nice little habit of flailing her arms around while she is eating. I've started holding her arms down and telling her "no flailing, Bailey". In response, she looks at me and begins her extremely loud and high pitched whine while still sucking on the bottle. When I relax my grip on her arms, she continues to flail. So, I get to choose between the high pitched whine that makes me want to scream, or being hit by her little flailing hands...which also makes me want to scream.
And, to make matters worse, she's sleeping like absolute shit. Why is it that when she needs the sleep the most, she sleeps the worst? It takes her 20-30 minutes to fall asleep and then when she finally does get to sleep, the littlest thing wakes her. I'm not willing to let her sleep in our bed, and I'm not sure that she would even if I were to allow it. I'm just too heavy a sleeper. I can't ensure her safety, so it's a no go.
The crib still isn't working out. I keep trying, and she keeps hating it. They are sure going to have fun with her at the daycare. Lucky them.
But, on a more positive note - she's so incredibly engaged these days. Honestly, she just blows my mind with her ability to grasp a concept and then figure out how to recreate. For instance, she can turn the pages on the little book on her exersaucer. And this is not just reaching out and randomly, by mistake turning the pages. Oh no. She actually concentrates and uses her finger tips to grasp the little tab on the side of the page and pulls it. She doesn't get it every time and when she doesn't, she gets frustrated and yells at the book. It's funny and she's so freakin' smart!!!!
I realized this morning while she was playing in her exersaucer that she is beginning to grasp the concept that what she can't see is still there. I think this because she will work her way around in the exersaucer (yes, she can spin herself at 11 weeks), but then look over her shoulder for the toys that she can no longer see. She's making the connection that they are still there, even though they are not in her sight range. To encourage this, whenever I come up the stairs to get her when she wakes from a nap, I talk to her all the way up the stairs. I think that it helps her understand that I'm here, even if she can't see me.
Maybe not, but maybe it actually will help.
Anyway. She's starting to finally drift off and I need to shower. She hasn't slept much this morning and so I haven't had the time to get a shower in. I feel nasty. Time to make it happen while she sleeps...
Okay, so it's not really that bad. I am, afterall, the world's biggest drama queen. But it IS pretty bad. She's eating (or wanting to eat) constantly. We've had to change her formula, because she was spitting up almost as much as she was eating. Not fun, let me tell you. I love her dearly, but I'm not interested in having 5 ounces of vomit on me after each feeding. Yuck.
She's also developed this nice little habit of flailing her arms around while she is eating. I've started holding her arms down and telling her "no flailing, Bailey". In response, she looks at me and begins her extremely loud and high pitched whine while still sucking on the bottle. When I relax my grip on her arms, she continues to flail. So, I get to choose between the high pitched whine that makes me want to scream, or being hit by her little flailing hands...which also makes me want to scream.
And, to make matters worse, she's sleeping like absolute shit. Why is it that when she needs the sleep the most, she sleeps the worst? It takes her 20-30 minutes to fall asleep and then when she finally does get to sleep, the littlest thing wakes her. I'm not willing to let her sleep in our bed, and I'm not sure that she would even if I were to allow it. I'm just too heavy a sleeper. I can't ensure her safety, so it's a no go.
The crib still isn't working out. I keep trying, and she keeps hating it. They are sure going to have fun with her at the daycare. Lucky them.
But, on a more positive note - she's so incredibly engaged these days. Honestly, she just blows my mind with her ability to grasp a concept and then figure out how to recreate. For instance, she can turn the pages on the little book on her exersaucer. And this is not just reaching out and randomly, by mistake turning the pages. Oh no. She actually concentrates and uses her finger tips to grasp the little tab on the side of the page and pulls it. She doesn't get it every time and when she doesn't, she gets frustrated and yells at the book. It's funny and she's so freakin' smart!!!!
I realized this morning while she was playing in her exersaucer that she is beginning to grasp the concept that what she can't see is still there. I think this because she will work her way around in the exersaucer (yes, she can spin herself at 11 weeks), but then look over her shoulder for the toys that she can no longer see. She's making the connection that they are still there, even though they are not in her sight range. To encourage this, whenever I come up the stairs to get her when she wakes from a nap, I talk to her all the way up the stairs. I think that it helps her understand that I'm here, even if she can't see me.
Maybe not, but maybe it actually will help.
Anyway. She's starting to finally drift off and I need to shower. She hasn't slept much this morning and so I haven't had the time to get a shower in. I feel nasty. Time to make it happen while she sleeps...
7/16/2007
The Last Week
The last week begins. I have five more days to be the primary care giver of my daughter.
I have mixed feelings...but not the ones you'd probably expect.
I have no doubt that Bailey is going to be just fine in child care. I went to child care, and I still bonded to my mother. I was fine. I have no physical or mental disorders because of it. Like anything, I have no doubt that it will be an adjustment for all three of us, and her first couple of weeks will probably be very difficult for all of us...but overall, she's going to be just fine.
My mixed feelings are this weird combination of excitement and guilt. I'm actually excited to be going back to work. I'm happy that I won't be her primary caregiver anymore. Not because I don't enjoy it (I do) but because I am so ready for there to be some Mikki that doesn't include Bailey. I am ready to have some of my individuality back. And, man, that makes me feel guilty!!!!
I feel like I'm supposed to be all broken up about taking our child to be cared for by other people...but I'm just not. Kelly is definitely struggling. She worries more than I do about Bailey in general, and she's worried about the transition for her. She will have much more time with Bailey without me around (which is a great thing...but like everything else, it's an adjustment). More than that, we both recognize that with the addition of an entire full time job, our lives are about to shift into super warp drive.
After this week, all the house cleaning, shopping and basic care for our home is going to have to take place on the weekends...which is also the only time that we'll have to spend as a family. I'm going to try to squeeze a lot of it into the mornings when I'm here with Bailey, but who knows if that will actually work out.
Either way, we're about to get super busy. If we though our relationship took a hit when Bailey came along, it's about to take another severe beating. Do you know how hard it is to try to be intimate, have conversation, be adults together when all you really want to do is roll over and fall asleep? We haven't gotten to that horribly snippy point with each other (we've been lucky that way, I think), but we have both noticed that our time together is almost gone. There are a lot more quick kisses, and a lot fewer lingering hugs.
I guess that is to be expected...but like I've said, it's an adjustment.
I'm looking forward to warp speed. It's how I work the best. I perform well under stress. The challenge for me is going to be letting go of my need for everything to be my way and just let our life happen. It's going to be more important to get quality time with my wife and daughter than it is that the house be spotless every day. I'm just going to need to remember that.
I have mixed feelings...but not the ones you'd probably expect.
I have no doubt that Bailey is going to be just fine in child care. I went to child care, and I still bonded to my mother. I was fine. I have no physical or mental disorders because of it. Like anything, I have no doubt that it will be an adjustment for all three of us, and her first couple of weeks will probably be very difficult for all of us...but overall, she's going to be just fine.
My mixed feelings are this weird combination of excitement and guilt. I'm actually excited to be going back to work. I'm happy that I won't be her primary caregiver anymore. Not because I don't enjoy it (I do) but because I am so ready for there to be some Mikki that doesn't include Bailey. I am ready to have some of my individuality back. And, man, that makes me feel guilty!!!!
I feel like I'm supposed to be all broken up about taking our child to be cared for by other people...but I'm just not. Kelly is definitely struggling. She worries more than I do about Bailey in general, and she's worried about the transition for her. She will have much more time with Bailey without me around (which is a great thing...but like everything else, it's an adjustment). More than that, we both recognize that with the addition of an entire full time job, our lives are about to shift into super warp drive.
After this week, all the house cleaning, shopping and basic care for our home is going to have to take place on the weekends...which is also the only time that we'll have to spend as a family. I'm going to try to squeeze a lot of it into the mornings when I'm here with Bailey, but who knows if that will actually work out.
Either way, we're about to get super busy. If we though our relationship took a hit when Bailey came along, it's about to take another severe beating. Do you know how hard it is to try to be intimate, have conversation, be adults together when all you really want to do is roll over and fall asleep? We haven't gotten to that horribly snippy point with each other (we've been lucky that way, I think), but we have both noticed that our time together is almost gone. There are a lot more quick kisses, and a lot fewer lingering hugs.
I guess that is to be expected...but like I've said, it's an adjustment.
I'm looking forward to warp speed. It's how I work the best. I perform well under stress. The challenge for me is going to be letting go of my need for everything to be my way and just let our life happen. It's going to be more important to get quality time with my wife and daughter than it is that the house be spotless every day. I'm just going to need to remember that.
7/15/2007
Have I Ever Mentioned...
...that I ADORE being Bailey's Momma?
I'm not sure that I've said that yet. Amidst all of my struggle and outright bitching about the ways things have changed, I may have forgotten to slip in there that this is such an incredible thing to be doing.
I love the way that she looks at me. I love her little smiles. I love it when we take a bath together and she quiets down and completely relaxes again my body, kicking her little arms and legs. I love the way she smells. I love the way her cheeks gives as I kiss those round little balls. I love the way that snuggles her face into my neck and seems to smell me. I love the little things she does that are so cute my heart nearly breaks. I love it that when I'm feeding her, she grabs my hands and clings to them. I love it when I catch her waking up and she lifts her little arms above her head, thrusts her back and hips up, lifts her chin to the sky and stretches like she's never stretched before.
I love how I feel when other people look at her and just coo and glow with her beautiful she is. I love it that for all my struggles and angst, Bailey is smart and beautiful and seems to be growing just fine. I love it that, in the end, this little doll baby is all ours and that we didn't have to struggle with infertility to make it happen.
I'm just in love with our Bailey. I'm in love with my role as her Momma. I've never loved a person like I love her. It goes without saying that words do not do justice to what my heart feels.
Finally. These seem to be the blissful motherhood feelings that I expected 10 weeks ago!
I'm not sure that I've said that yet. Amidst all of my struggle and outright bitching about the ways things have changed, I may have forgotten to slip in there that this is such an incredible thing to be doing.
I love the way that she looks at me. I love her little smiles. I love it when we take a bath together and she quiets down and completely relaxes again my body, kicking her little arms and legs. I love the way she smells. I love the way her cheeks gives as I kiss those round little balls. I love the way that snuggles her face into my neck and seems to smell me. I love the little things she does that are so cute my heart nearly breaks. I love it that when I'm feeding her, she grabs my hands and clings to them. I love it when I catch her waking up and she lifts her little arms above her head, thrusts her back and hips up, lifts her chin to the sky and stretches like she's never stretched before.
I love how I feel when other people look at her and just coo and glow with her beautiful she is. I love it that for all my struggles and angst, Bailey is smart and beautiful and seems to be growing just fine. I love it that, in the end, this little doll baby is all ours and that we didn't have to struggle with infertility to make it happen.
I'm just in love with our Bailey. I'm in love with my role as her Momma. I've never loved a person like I love her. It goes without saying that words do not do justice to what my heart feels.
Finally. These seem to be the blissful motherhood feelings that I expected 10 weeks ago!
7/13/2007
Growing Girl
We think our Bailey is going through that famed 3-month growth spurt. She's still about two weeks away from being three months, but these things are not an exact science, right?
She's eating like a starving person. 5 ounces every 2 1/2 - 3 hours and then about 8 right before bed. Last night, she had 4 ounces at 5:30 PM, then 8 ounces with one teaspoon of cereal at 7:45 PM. Then, she slept until 4:45 this morning (over 8 hours, if you're counting!). She was back up for another 5 ounces, then back down and she's still sleeping (it's almost 7 AM).
That's what I'm talking about.
Yesterday seemed to be a series of naps followed by eating, about 15 minutes of playtime and then some more napping.
With all the extra eating and sleeping, we can only assume that she's growing. It makes sense.
Yesterday, we went "school shopping". Bailey is heading to daycare after next week and I wanted to pick her up some cheap clothes. My philosophy about infant clothes is that they are in them for such a short period of time, that quality doesn't really matter (unless it effects how they fit). To that end, we went to WalM*rt and purchased five pairs of baby sweats, five white onsies and 10 pairs of socks that will actually stay on her feet. Everything is 6-9 month size and looks a little bit big. I'm hoping that they will last her through August. I didn't buy more because...well...like I said...she's growing! I don't want to send her in anything nice, because it's daycare. I want to make sure that she is comfortable and warm enough. I also want to make sure the providers have as easy a time changing her as possible. So...her first school shopping experience. It was fun!
Today, we grocery shop and get the house cleaned up. I want this weekend to be as simple as possible. We're having some friends down for BBQ this weekend, but other than that, it's going to be just us and I want to spend it relaxing.
She's eating like a starving person. 5 ounces every 2 1/2 - 3 hours and then about 8 right before bed. Last night, she had 4 ounces at 5:30 PM, then 8 ounces with one teaspoon of cereal at 7:45 PM. Then, she slept until 4:45 this morning (over 8 hours, if you're counting!). She was back up for another 5 ounces, then back down and she's still sleeping (it's almost 7 AM).
That's what I'm talking about.
Yesterday seemed to be a series of naps followed by eating, about 15 minutes of playtime and then some more napping.
With all the extra eating and sleeping, we can only assume that she's growing. It makes sense.
Yesterday, we went "school shopping". Bailey is heading to daycare after next week and I wanted to pick her up some cheap clothes. My philosophy about infant clothes is that they are in them for such a short period of time, that quality doesn't really matter (unless it effects how they fit). To that end, we went to WalM*rt and purchased five pairs of baby sweats, five white onsies and 10 pairs of socks that will actually stay on her feet. Everything is 6-9 month size and looks a little bit big. I'm hoping that they will last her through August. I didn't buy more because...well...like I said...she's growing! I don't want to send her in anything nice, because it's daycare. I want to make sure that she is comfortable and warm enough. I also want to make sure the providers have as easy a time changing her as possible. So...her first school shopping experience. It was fun!
Today, we grocery shop and get the house cleaned up. I want this weekend to be as simple as possible. We're having some friends down for BBQ this weekend, but other than that, it's going to be just us and I want to spend it relaxing.
7/12/2007
Momma Love
It's amazing that love can multiply so quickly. I remember her first five weeks like an almost nightmarish haze. They were so difficult for me.
And now, it's like she's a whole new child. Literally. She's sweet, predictable and has a very distinct pattern of behaviors. She only cries when she's tired or hungry, and both are easily soothable. She's friendly, inquisitive, likes new people, enjoys playing, is easily amused and is just plain adorable.
I love her so much. I'm so glad that we got through that first major hurdle. I finally feel like an adequate mother.
Have I mentioned that I adore her??
And now, it's like she's a whole new child. Literally. She's sweet, predictable and has a very distinct pattern of behaviors. She only cries when she's tired or hungry, and both are easily soothable. She's friendly, inquisitive, likes new people, enjoys playing, is easily amused and is just plain adorable.
I love her so much. I'm so glad that we got through that first major hurdle. I finally feel like an adequate mother.
Have I mentioned that I adore her??
7/11/2007
Caught In The Act
I've mentioned before that Bailey hates to sleep when it's not dark outside. She struggles to fall into a deep sleep and is easily woken. Well, I've been noticing over the past couple of days that she has started to pull the blanket up over her face when I put her down. My guess is that she's figured out that it's darker when you do that! I always pull the blanket down off her face, because I'm paranoid...but I took a picture this morning before I did that.
She's so damn cute. And, apparently, smart!
AND...just to prove my post from yesterday about the inter-connectedness of her happiness and her tongue, I've managed to catch a few really cute shots. Notice that, if she's smiling, her tongue is showing...LOL!
Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule...
She's so damn cute. And, apparently, smart!
AND...just to prove my post from yesterday about the inter-connectedness of her happiness and her tongue, I've managed to catch a few really cute shots. Notice that, if she's smiling, her tongue is showing...LOL!
Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule...
7/10/2007
When She's Happy
When Bailey approves of whatever you are doing (cooing, making weird noises, smiling at her...whatever) she sticks out her tongue and kind of wags it around at you. Then she her face breaks into this huge smile.
You always know if you're on the right track with keeping her amuse if the tongue starts to come out.
Very cute...and something I don't ever want to forget!
You always know if you're on the right track with keeping her amuse if the tongue starts to come out.
Very cute...and something I don't ever want to forget!
Bubble Baths and Other Milestones
Just so that I don't forget these things:
At 8 weeks and 1 day old, Bailey weighed 14 Pounds, 9 ounces and was 24 inches long.
At 8 weeks and a couple of days, she sat up by herself for the first time. She had been leaning against some pillows and she pulled herself from a semi-reclined position and then proceeded to sit up unsupported for about 2 minutes. STRONG girl!
At 8 weeks and 5 days, Bailey drank 1 teaspoon of cereal in her bedtime bottle. She slept for 7 hours.
At 8 weeks and 6 days, Bailey drank 1 and 1/2 teaspoon of cereal in her bedtime bottle and slept for 8 hours. This was her first time sleeping through the night (from appoximately 8 PM - 4:15 AM). Since Kelly gets up at 4:35 and I'll be getting up at 4 AM...this is a full night. She got up, ate and then went back down for another three hours.
For the past week or so, Bailey will sit for many books in a row. Her favorites are Rainbow Fish, Baby Animals Counting (a bright pop up book), The Family Book, Barnyard Dance, Pokey Little Puppy and Unstoppable Me. She'll sit for approximately 20 minutes while you read to her.
She's got the nighttime ritual down to a science! Every night we have about 20 minutes of naked girl time, where she gets to be completely naked and we coo and talk to her. Then to the bath. Sometimes, Bailey and I bath together in the big bathtub (usually 2-3 times a week) and sometimes she gets a bath in her little tub. It really depends on how tired she is and how close to 7 PM it is. We try to have her out of the bath, lotioned up and in her sleeper by 7 or 7:15. She eats - this takes about 20 minutes with burping time - and then we cuddle. While she's eating Kelly and I read "I Love You, Goodnight" to her. Sometimes we read "Do You Love Me" as well. Cuddle time is when she falls asleep. She's usually asleep by 7:30. We put her in her swing and she usually wakes up. She'll fidget and whine for a while. Sometimes we play the game where she spits out her pacifier and then cries for it back. I have a limit of 2 times. I'll put it back in her mouth twice. After that, she does without. She's usually sound asleep by 8...but sometimes it is 8:30. She hates to sleep when it's not fully dark...we can't wait for the time change.
At 8 weeks, 5 days, Bailey took her first bubble bath with Momma. She loves the big bath. I hold her arms and she kicks her legs and watches as her toes peek out of the water. She had fun playing with the bubbles last night. I'm working on getting her to really love being in the water and to trust me while she is in the water. I'm going to teach her to swim as soon as possible. So far, it's working well. She LOVES her bath time with me.
At around 7 1/2 - 8 weeks, Bailey started wearing 9 month clothes comfortably. She's already begun to outgrow her size 2 diapers. We've purchased the Swaddlers, size 2-3 to transition her.
Her favorite pastime is still watching our faces as we mimic and make funny faces at her. She likes high pitched sounds. She still loves staring at the "mobile in the sky" (the ceiling fan) and she had yet to take any notice of the cats.
We've noticed that she will actively watch the TV if it's on and she's feeling a bit tired. For that reason, we turn the beast off. Very soon, we will ditch cable again. Now that I'm going back to work, I have very little need for it. We'll be back to our 20 channels for $14 a month. No TV for Bailey.
She's seriously growing up...
At 8 weeks and 1 day old, Bailey weighed 14 Pounds, 9 ounces and was 24 inches long.
At 8 weeks and a couple of days, she sat up by herself for the first time. She had been leaning against some pillows and she pulled herself from a semi-reclined position and then proceeded to sit up unsupported for about 2 minutes. STRONG girl!
At 8 weeks and 5 days, Bailey drank 1 teaspoon of cereal in her bedtime bottle. She slept for 7 hours.
At 8 weeks and 6 days, Bailey drank 1 and 1/2 teaspoon of cereal in her bedtime bottle and slept for 8 hours. This was her first time sleeping through the night (from appoximately 8 PM - 4:15 AM). Since Kelly gets up at 4:35 and I'll be getting up at 4 AM...this is a full night. She got up, ate and then went back down for another three hours.
For the past week or so, Bailey will sit for many books in a row. Her favorites are Rainbow Fish, Baby Animals Counting (a bright pop up book), The Family Book, Barnyard Dance, Pokey Little Puppy and Unstoppable Me. She'll sit for approximately 20 minutes while you read to her.
She's got the nighttime ritual down to a science! Every night we have about 20 minutes of naked girl time, where she gets to be completely naked and we coo and talk to her. Then to the bath. Sometimes, Bailey and I bath together in the big bathtub (usually 2-3 times a week) and sometimes she gets a bath in her little tub. It really depends on how tired she is and how close to 7 PM it is. We try to have her out of the bath, lotioned up and in her sleeper by 7 or 7:15. She eats - this takes about 20 minutes with burping time - and then we cuddle. While she's eating Kelly and I read "I Love You, Goodnight" to her. Sometimes we read "Do You Love Me" as well. Cuddle time is when she falls asleep. She's usually asleep by 7:30. We put her in her swing and she usually wakes up. She'll fidget and whine for a while. Sometimes we play the game where she spits out her pacifier and then cries for it back. I have a limit of 2 times. I'll put it back in her mouth twice. After that, she does without. She's usually sound asleep by 8...but sometimes it is 8:30. She hates to sleep when it's not fully dark...we can't wait for the time change.
At 8 weeks, 5 days, Bailey took her first bubble bath with Momma. She loves the big bath. I hold her arms and she kicks her legs and watches as her toes peek out of the water. She had fun playing with the bubbles last night. I'm working on getting her to really love being in the water and to trust me while she is in the water. I'm going to teach her to swim as soon as possible. So far, it's working well. She LOVES her bath time with me.
At around 7 1/2 - 8 weeks, Bailey started wearing 9 month clothes comfortably. She's already begun to outgrow her size 2 diapers. We've purchased the Swaddlers, size 2-3 to transition her.
Her favorite pastime is still watching our faces as we mimic and make funny faces at her. She likes high pitched sounds. She still loves staring at the "mobile in the sky" (the ceiling fan) and she had yet to take any notice of the cats.
We've noticed that she will actively watch the TV if it's on and she's feeling a bit tired. For that reason, we turn the beast off. Very soon, we will ditch cable again. Now that I'm going back to work, I have very little need for it. We'll be back to our 20 channels for $14 a month. No TV for Bailey.
She's seriously growing up...
7/09/2007
Love Is...
...watching your child wake up, stretch her little arms above her head, scrunch her face up and grunt and groan as she works out the kinks from a good night sleep.
...changing her diaper while she stares at you with her piercing blue eyes, smiling and cooing the entire time.
...laughing as she gets distracted by the mobile and arranges her beautiful features into an expression that says, "OH...that's still here!"
...holding your child as close as possible, while she grips your hands and stares into your eyes and eats.
...playing with her, watching explore the world around her and laughing as she discovers new sounds, textures, and colors.
...knowing just when she is ready to stop and have some quiet time.
...reading three stories together, while she melts into your arms and stares at the pages of the book.
...carrying her upstairs to her swing, putting her and covering her up. Watching her snuggle down as the swing begins to move.
...staring at her as her eyes get heavy and begin to close.
...smiling gently at her when she peaks her eyes open to make sure that you are still close.
Love is knowing that no matter how difficult, how trying, or how frustrating this may be, I will ALWAYS be my Bailey's Momma. Where she leads, I will follow. And hopefully, through all of this, I will be able to help clear the path of her life of some obstacles.
Love is knowing that I will always put her first, even when I don't want to.
Love is knowing that even on the worst of all possible days, in the midst of what might feel like hell, I would still choose to have her again.
When you read this, Bailey, years from now...know that I love you with all my heart. My struggles are not about you. They are mine, and your life is a blessing to me.
...changing her diaper while she stares at you with her piercing blue eyes, smiling and cooing the entire time.
...laughing as she gets distracted by the mobile and arranges her beautiful features into an expression that says, "OH...that's still here!"
...holding your child as close as possible, while she grips your hands and stares into your eyes and eats.
...playing with her, watching explore the world around her and laughing as she discovers new sounds, textures, and colors.
...knowing just when she is ready to stop and have some quiet time.
...reading three stories together, while she melts into your arms and stares at the pages of the book.
...carrying her upstairs to her swing, putting her and covering her up. Watching her snuggle down as the swing begins to move.
...staring at her as her eyes get heavy and begin to close.
...smiling gently at her when she peaks her eyes open to make sure that you are still close.
Love is knowing that no matter how difficult, how trying, or how frustrating this may be, I will ALWAYS be my Bailey's Momma. Where she leads, I will follow. And hopefully, through all of this, I will be able to help clear the path of her life of some obstacles.
Love is knowing that I will always put her first, even when I don't want to.
Love is knowing that even on the worst of all possible days, in the midst of what might feel like hell, I would still choose to have her again.
When you read this, Bailey, years from now...know that I love you with all my heart. My struggles are not about you. They are mine, and your life is a blessing to me.
Oh...
The "Honesty" post is not directed at anyone, and it is not my intention to make anyone feel guilty. I'm just blogging about the world as I see it, my experience with mothering and everything that goes along with it. These are my emotions, my feelings, and it's my reality.
If you felt guilty or got defensive, you might want to think about why...
If you felt guilty or got defensive, you might want to think about why...
Pictures and Videos!
Oh, Happy Day!!!
I'm a SUPER STAR!
Wow...this new toy is pretty cool!
We now know what she'll look like when she's seriously concentrating on something...LOL!
Bemused Kelly-like expression...
Getting her morning work out...this is a NINE MONTH sleeper, by the way...
Practicing to give Lil' Kim a run for her money...
Don't let her fool you...she HATES her crib...
This is Bailey in her new exersaucer! This is footage for her very first time in it!
The next two videos are more exersaucer playtime, but the next morning. Notice her intensity...
Here's Some Honesty
I've been reading blogs and thinking about parenting for a long time. I've been preparing for parenting for years. I've actively wanted a child since I was 18 years old (I'm28 now), but knew that I wanted to be a parent long before then. Kelly and I spent years, literally, preparing for our child. During pregnancy, I read books and literature and talked to parents and tried to get as much information as I could. I read about postpartum depression and could list the symptoms for you if you wanted. I paid attention, I had the right attitudes. I did everything that any expecting mother could possibly do to ensure that the experience of motherhood was as simple as possible.
Well, it didn't turn out that way for me. Here's an analogy. You know when you are watching the high dive on the Olympics and the announcers make a really big deal about the next diver? You watch as they are climbing the stairs and all their past dives are being displayed. They are at the top of their game, the best of the best. And you anticipate this incredible dive - lots of loops and twists, perfectly aligned body that slips effortlessly into the water with no splash, an eruption of applause, game over for everyone else. Instead, the diver takes that first leap and everything goes wrong from there. The turns are sloppy, the legs come apart, the entrance into the water is crooked and a huge splash bombs out of the pool. The diver comes up, swims to the edge of the pool, climbs out and stands under the shower water pretending it never happened, barely blinking when the losing scores are flashed for the world to see. And everyone talks, and replays all the failures and slows it down and points out the flaws with their little white TV marker. And by the time the event is over, all you can remember is how badly that one diver fucked up.
That has been my experience with mothering. There was no smooth and graceful entry into this for me. I've have stumbled and bumbled and trodded my way through. I'm not great at this. Sure, I've got the tasks mastered. I mean, you change enough diapers and you get good at it. I mean, I'm not good at mothering. Not instinctual, at least.
And the worst part about it all is that NOBODY IS FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THIS PART. I KNOW I'm not the only woman to have struggled with this. I KNOW that I'm not the only mother who is so bored she could just scream. I KNOW that I'm not the only person to have wondered more than once if they made the right decision. I KNOW that I'm not the only person who is relieved to have the option of putting my child in childcare so that I can go back to work and have some space from this. I KNOW that I'm not, and yet, nobody else seems to want to talk about it.
I am so tired of having to remind myself that I'm NOT a bad mother because I don't fit that horrible fucking image we have of mothers out there. We (and I include myself in this, because I was just another judgmental fuck like everyone else before I lived through this experience) set mothers up. We tell them that this will be the most joyful experience and that all of a sudden they will develop this incredible ability to just let go of all of their own needs in order to be their child's mother. Not only will they be able to do it, but they will be happy about it! We expect human beings to simply shift their entire focus, and when they don't (or can't) we call them selfish and question their ability to be a good parent because of it.
Well, here's what I have to say to that: FUCK YOU and FUCK OFF. Because I AM a good mother, even though hanging out with Bailey isn't the best thing I've ever done. I DO love my child, even though I don't always like the constant tasks that go along with being her mother. I AM doing a good job at this, even though I haven't sunk into that blissful state that everyone seems to think mothers should live in.
It's not about being selfish or being a bad parent. And I refuse to remain silent anymore. I refuse to allow other people to define how parenting should be for me. Spend a couple of days walking in my shoes before you start telling me how to raise my child. If you think for one second that I don't wish this were easier for me, then you have the right to get right the hell out of my life. If I could fit your image of what you think a parent should be, I would. It would be so much easier if this truly were easy. I'd love that.
Because this is HARD WORK. This isn't a cake walk. It isn't simple. It isn't even very fun a lot of the time.
And we wonder why women get postpartum depression. We paint one very narrow little image of how a mother should be and SHAME her if she isn't that way. Well, I'm not that way. And my child is still beautiful. She is still the love of my life. She is still the best thing that ever happened to Kelly and I. I am still her Momma. And I'm still going to be the best parent I possibly can be.
But I'm not going to be silent and allow anyone to tell me that I'm supposed to feel differently. And when I talk about this being the hardest thing I've ever done, with the least amount of payback, feel free to leave if you don't like what you hear. Because I'm not going to stop talking. Someone has to be honest and willing to speak the truth for all those women out there who don't fit the June Cleaver mold.
Well, it didn't turn out that way for me. Here's an analogy. You know when you are watching the high dive on the Olympics and the announcers make a really big deal about the next diver? You watch as they are climbing the stairs and all their past dives are being displayed. They are at the top of their game, the best of the best. And you anticipate this incredible dive - lots of loops and twists, perfectly aligned body that slips effortlessly into the water with no splash, an eruption of applause, game over for everyone else. Instead, the diver takes that first leap and everything goes wrong from there. The turns are sloppy, the legs come apart, the entrance into the water is crooked and a huge splash bombs out of the pool. The diver comes up, swims to the edge of the pool, climbs out and stands under the shower water pretending it never happened, barely blinking when the losing scores are flashed for the world to see. And everyone talks, and replays all the failures and slows it down and points out the flaws with their little white TV marker. And by the time the event is over, all you can remember is how badly that one diver fucked up.
That has been my experience with mothering. There was no smooth and graceful entry into this for me. I've have stumbled and bumbled and trodded my way through. I'm not great at this. Sure, I've got the tasks mastered. I mean, you change enough diapers and you get good at it. I mean, I'm not good at mothering. Not instinctual, at least.
And the worst part about it all is that NOBODY IS FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THIS PART. I KNOW I'm not the only woman to have struggled with this. I KNOW that I'm not the only mother who is so bored she could just scream. I KNOW that I'm not the only person to have wondered more than once if they made the right decision. I KNOW that I'm not the only person who is relieved to have the option of putting my child in childcare so that I can go back to work and have some space from this. I KNOW that I'm not, and yet, nobody else seems to want to talk about it.
I am so tired of having to remind myself that I'm NOT a bad mother because I don't fit that horrible fucking image we have of mothers out there. We (and I include myself in this, because I was just another judgmental fuck like everyone else before I lived through this experience) set mothers up. We tell them that this will be the most joyful experience and that all of a sudden they will develop this incredible ability to just let go of all of their own needs in order to be their child's mother. Not only will they be able to do it, but they will be happy about it! We expect human beings to simply shift their entire focus, and when they don't (or can't) we call them selfish and question their ability to be a good parent because of it.
Well, here's what I have to say to that: FUCK YOU and FUCK OFF. Because I AM a good mother, even though hanging out with Bailey isn't the best thing I've ever done. I DO love my child, even though I don't always like the constant tasks that go along with being her mother. I AM doing a good job at this, even though I haven't sunk into that blissful state that everyone seems to think mothers should live in.
It's not about being selfish or being a bad parent. And I refuse to remain silent anymore. I refuse to allow other people to define how parenting should be for me. Spend a couple of days walking in my shoes before you start telling me how to raise my child. If you think for one second that I don't wish this were easier for me, then you have the right to get right the hell out of my life. If I could fit your image of what you think a parent should be, I would. It would be so much easier if this truly were easy. I'd love that.
Because this is HARD WORK. This isn't a cake walk. It isn't simple. It isn't even very fun a lot of the time.
And we wonder why women get postpartum depression. We paint one very narrow little image of how a mother should be and SHAME her if she isn't that way. Well, I'm not that way. And my child is still beautiful. She is still the love of my life. She is still the best thing that ever happened to Kelly and I. I am still her Momma. And I'm still going to be the best parent I possibly can be.
But I'm not going to be silent and allow anyone to tell me that I'm supposed to feel differently. And when I talk about this being the hardest thing I've ever done, with the least amount of payback, feel free to leave if you don't like what you hear. Because I'm not going to stop talking. Someone has to be honest and willing to speak the truth for all those women out there who don't fit the June Cleaver mold.
7/06/2007
Random Thoughts
Here is my radical idea for the day - let's outlaw all divorce, except where a person can prove just cause. By "just cause" I mean abuse in some form or another. In order to start to eradicate adultery, I think that we should charge a fine. If you are caught cheating on your spouse, you owe $2000. And that $2000 has to be earned outside of your normal source of income (so that the spouse who was cheated on isn't also having to pay). We'll have "work centers" where adulterers can go to earn the money that they have to pay in fines. Eventually, we'll weed out all the assholes who think that they should get married after knowing someone for 2 months and then act surprised when the person they married turns out to be different than they expected. I am so tired of all the holier-than-thou straight people of this world acting like they have a lock on marriage, just because they've been legally granted the rights to the title. OBVIOUSLY, with a 50% divorce rate, they've not got it all that right.
So, let's fix it. Let's take away the stupid requirement of heterosexuality and instead impose some REAL requirements on those couples who choose to make a LIFE LONG commitment to one another. In exchange for federal benefits, insurance benefits, pension and social security benefits, we should require that people actually stick together. The deal is this: if you marry your spouse before you are 100% certain that you want to go through all of life's shit with them and then change your mind later - TOO BAD. If you had wanted an "out" than don't take the freakin' vow.
I mean, honestly. Marriage isn't just a term. It's not just a legal structure. Isn't that what all this "sanctity of marriage" crap is all about? It's a vow to each other, to your children, to society. It's a way of saying, out loud, that no matter what happens, I'm in. I'm sticking with this person. Because I love them more than I love my ability to have sex with someone else, or to change my mind. More than I love my freedom to be independent. More than anything else, I love this person enough to commit my life, my heart, and my future to this person.
At least, this is my understanding of marriage. It doesn't matter how it's said. Kelly and I said our vows out loud to each other (at least the first set...) in a hot tub. But the commitment was already there. Before we got to that point, we had already decided that we were in. For better AND for worse. For the long term. No matter what. And we were able to make that decision because we knew who the other person was. All that glorious "new" had worn off. Our relationship was old and worn in by the time we made our vows to each other. I knew what I was getting...and any surprises that I've had have all been good. The person that I committed myself to was not a surprise to me. Because I took the time to get to know her before I gave her my future. And she did the same.
If more people took time, actually spent time falling in love and then falling out of love and then recommitting to the REAL person, we wouldn't have so many failed marriages.
And if you don't want to have no option, the solution is simple. DON'T GET MARRIED. But stop desecrating the vows that I take VERY, VERY seriously with your on again/off again bullshit crap that you call marriage. Just keep dating the person. Do what you want when you date someone. Wait to get married until you are sure.
How hard is that?
So, let's fix it. Let's take away the stupid requirement of heterosexuality and instead impose some REAL requirements on those couples who choose to make a LIFE LONG commitment to one another. In exchange for federal benefits, insurance benefits, pension and social security benefits, we should require that people actually stick together. The deal is this: if you marry your spouse before you are 100% certain that you want to go through all of life's shit with them and then change your mind later - TOO BAD. If you had wanted an "out" than don't take the freakin' vow.
I mean, honestly. Marriage isn't just a term. It's not just a legal structure. Isn't that what all this "sanctity of marriage" crap is all about? It's a vow to each other, to your children, to society. It's a way of saying, out loud, that no matter what happens, I'm in. I'm sticking with this person. Because I love them more than I love my ability to have sex with someone else, or to change my mind. More than I love my freedom to be independent. More than anything else, I love this person enough to commit my life, my heart, and my future to this person.
At least, this is my understanding of marriage. It doesn't matter how it's said. Kelly and I said our vows out loud to each other (at least the first set...) in a hot tub. But the commitment was already there. Before we got to that point, we had already decided that we were in. For better AND for worse. For the long term. No matter what. And we were able to make that decision because we knew who the other person was. All that glorious "new" had worn off. Our relationship was old and worn in by the time we made our vows to each other. I knew what I was getting...and any surprises that I've had have all been good. The person that I committed myself to was not a surprise to me. Because I took the time to get to know her before I gave her my future. And she did the same.
If more people took time, actually spent time falling in love and then falling out of love and then recommitting to the REAL person, we wouldn't have so many failed marriages.
And if you don't want to have no option, the solution is simple. DON'T GET MARRIED. But stop desecrating the vows that I take VERY, VERY seriously with your on again/off again bullshit crap that you call marriage. Just keep dating the person. Do what you want when you date someone. Wait to get married until you are sure.
How hard is that?
7/05/2007
So Far...So Good
Well, we survived our first round of major shots. She had four - two in each leg, one right after the other. She cried until I picked her up, then she clung to me for a few minute. I gave her about an ounce of formula, then put her in her carseat with her binky. She fell sound asleep and is still sleeping now (three hours later). She's about to wake up and want her bottle. We'll keep her on Tylenol every four hours and hope that it doesn't get any more difficult!
Her other stats - she's grown to 24 inches (last time, she was 22 3/4 inches) and she weights 14 pounds, 9 ounces. Her head circumference is in the 50th percentile, her length is in the 95th percentile and her weight is off the charts. But, her growth curve is exactly as it should be, so there are no concerns. She's just a big girl. She's also extraordinarily healthy. The doctors are very, very pleased with her skin tone, her breathing, her development, her muscle development and her social development.
So...it looks like we have a very healthy, happy baby girl.
We're so proud of her. She's such an awesome child.
Her other stats - she's grown to 24 inches (last time, she was 22 3/4 inches) and she weights 14 pounds, 9 ounces. Her head circumference is in the 50th percentile, her length is in the 95th percentile and her weight is off the charts. But, her growth curve is exactly as it should be, so there are no concerns. She's just a big girl. She's also extraordinarily healthy. The doctors are very, very pleased with her skin tone, her breathing, her development, her muscle development and her social development.
So...it looks like we have a very healthy, happy baby girl.
We're so proud of her. She's such an awesome child.
Pictures!
Two Moms, one a radical liberal feminist, the other a vegetarian, driving non-gas guzzling vehicles and living in a small house. It doesn't get more American than that.
No, seriously. We're as Apple Pie as it gets. 
Would you take a look at my gut? Goodness. I must be hungry.
Okay - STOP looking at my gut. I'm just FLUFFY, darn it!!!!
When in doubt...sleep. And where else more appropriate than on Momma's boobs??? Ahhh...this is lovely...
Wow...what in the world is this??? (This is her first time the her high chair!)
Shots Today
Today is the dreaded shots. She gets four shots and one ingestible. Our poor baby girl. This is gonna suck.
We have cute pictures from yesterday. When I get home, if I have time, I'll upload some. She was our Star Spangled Baby yesterday!
Also, remind me...I have a rant about marriage. Or rather divorce. It's been brewing in my head for a couple of days. I've gotta get it out. But time flies...
Anyway - I'll be back with an update if I can get Bailey down after we get home. I'm hoping Tylenol and a little bit of Momma cuddling with make it all okay.
And I'm hoping that I don't cry harder than she does. Uggg...
We have cute pictures from yesterday. When I get home, if I have time, I'll upload some. She was our Star Spangled Baby yesterday!
Also, remind me...I have a rant about marriage. Or rather divorce. It's been brewing in my head for a couple of days. I've gotta get it out. But time flies...
Anyway - I'll be back with an update if I can get Bailey down after we get home. I'm hoping Tylenol and a little bit of Momma cuddling with make it all okay.
And I'm hoping that I don't cry harder than she does. Uggg...
7/04/2007
Happy Fourth!
I love holidays that require no work. When Bailey is older and has been joined by a sibling or two, this holiday will become about BBQ's and swimming. We'll find a beach that we want to go to (with a fresh water lake) and make it a thing. For now, though, it's just a relaxing day where Kelly doesn't have to work. She's got a long list of little projects, and I'll care for Bailey so that she can do them.
Speaking of Bailey, her hearing tests were fine. It took a little while because they needed her to be completely quiet, completely still and NOT sucking anything. LOL. It was funny trying to make that happen. We eventually got it though, and without any doubts, her hearing is fine. Phew. One bullet dodged!
The movie last night was absolutely hysterical. I'm not sure that it was worth prime time movie theater prices, but I did laugh so hard that I cried at many scenes. I really enjoyed it and am VERY glad that we went. Bailey had an excellent time with Barb and Mark. It's so nice to leave her with a sitter and pick her up happy and content. She slept great last night, too. A good six hour stretch, then another three. She's napping now in in her crib. Or trying to anyway...
So, I'm off to shower while she sleeps. Happy Fourth everyone...
Speaking of Bailey, her hearing tests were fine. It took a little while because they needed her to be completely quiet, completely still and NOT sucking anything. LOL. It was funny trying to make that happen. We eventually got it though, and without any doubts, her hearing is fine. Phew. One bullet dodged!
The movie last night was absolutely hysterical. I'm not sure that it was worth prime time movie theater prices, but I did laugh so hard that I cried at many scenes. I really enjoyed it and am VERY glad that we went. Bailey had an excellent time with Barb and Mark. It's so nice to leave her with a sitter and pick her up happy and content. She slept great last night, too. A good six hour stretch, then another three. She's napping now in in her crib. Or trying to anyway...
So, I'm off to shower while she sleeps. Happy Fourth everyone...
7/03/2007
Midnight Adventures
Our sweet, adorable, perfect little Bailey baby turns into a wretched monster at night.
Okay. I'm overstating a bit.
What she does is wake up, want to eat and then REFUSES to go back to sleep without crying for 20 minutes. And we have to just put her down and let her cry herself to sleep or she won't go back down at all. See the problem is not that she's not tired. While she's eating, she falls asleep with her mouth wrapped around the bottle. I'll start to take it out of her mouth, and she frantically sucks. When there is about an ounce left, I take the bottle away and burp her. I do this, because burping her almost always promotes a crying fit. So, when we've gotten all the burps out, I give her the last ounce. She almost always falls asleep during this process. Then, I slowly, slowly, slowly and gentle maneuver myself from the bed and her into her swing. I get her covered up and the swing started. Somewhere in this, she will ALWAYS wake up and start crying.
And she doesn't stop until she falls asleep.
We try bringing her into bed with us to comfort her and let her relax there. Hell, I'd let her sleep with us if she fell asleep. All it does, though, is make her cry harder. AND she grabs at me, pulling on my hair and my skin...which just makes me mad in my sleepy state. She would eat more formula, but we would then pay for that with long vomit sessions and her upset tummy. We've got to monitor how much she eats...cause she'll eat until she vomits and then want more to fill up the space she just emptied.
So, we put her down and she cries (not the loud, panicky cry...just enough to make it impossible to sleep through her). Eventually she falls asleep.
My issue with this is that I worry about her feeling abandoned. I hate the thought that she might feel like we won't respond to her cries. The problem is that when we do respond, we make the situation worse. I'm torn.
I'm wondering if she's outgrowing the swing. I am going to spend this week putting her down for her daytime naps in her crib. This weekend, Kelly is going to move the crib into our room (where it will be until she's a year old) and we'll start putting her down in her crib exclusively. Perhaps the problem is that now her body is too cramped to be in the swing for long periods of time. I don't know...it's a theory. And even if that isn't the problem, she still needs to transition to her crib for sleeping.
We're back to getting way to little sleep as we deal with this new transition. Poor Kelly...the girl looks like a mac truck has hit her...and while she is coping really well, I feel badly. I do so much better than she does with little sleep. Hopefully this will pass soon...for all of our sakes.
Today, Bailey has a doctor's appointment to get her hearing tested. She failed three times in one ear (you know, the standard hearing test) so we have to take her to a specialist. Apparently, there is no indication that she has a hearing problem, just that she wouldn't be quiet for long enough for them to accurately perform it. LOL - our loud mouth girl. The specialist has better equipment and it won't take as long or need complete silence. If she does have a hearing problem, we'll deal with it. Better to know now.
Tonight, we're leaving Bailey with a sitter for a couple of hours and going to see License to Wed with Robin Williams. Every time I see the commercials I laugh so hard I cry, so off we go. Momma needs a good laugh and Kelly is so good at indulging me when I need a short break. I'm looking forward to it...
Ahhh...sleeping beauty awakes. We have to leave the house at 8:30, so I should run and get her dressed and fed. She'll probably still scream in the car, but that's to be expected. I'll wear her when we get there and that will fix it all...
Okay. I'm overstating a bit.
What she does is wake up, want to eat and then REFUSES to go back to sleep without crying for 20 minutes. And we have to just put her down and let her cry herself to sleep or she won't go back down at all. See the problem is not that she's not tired. While she's eating, she falls asleep with her mouth wrapped around the bottle. I'll start to take it out of her mouth, and she frantically sucks. When there is about an ounce left, I take the bottle away and burp her. I do this, because burping her almost always promotes a crying fit. So, when we've gotten all the burps out, I give her the last ounce. She almost always falls asleep during this process. Then, I slowly, slowly, slowly and gentle maneuver myself from the bed and her into her swing. I get her covered up and the swing started. Somewhere in this, she will ALWAYS wake up and start crying.
And she doesn't stop until she falls asleep.
We try bringing her into bed with us to comfort her and let her relax there. Hell, I'd let her sleep with us if she fell asleep. All it does, though, is make her cry harder. AND she grabs at me, pulling on my hair and my skin...which just makes me mad in my sleepy state. She would eat more formula, but we would then pay for that with long vomit sessions and her upset tummy. We've got to monitor how much she eats...cause she'll eat until she vomits and then want more to fill up the space she just emptied.
So, we put her down and she cries (not the loud, panicky cry...just enough to make it impossible to sleep through her). Eventually she falls asleep.
My issue with this is that I worry about her feeling abandoned. I hate the thought that she might feel like we won't respond to her cries. The problem is that when we do respond, we make the situation worse. I'm torn.
I'm wondering if she's outgrowing the swing. I am going to spend this week putting her down for her daytime naps in her crib. This weekend, Kelly is going to move the crib into our room (where it will be until she's a year old) and we'll start putting her down in her crib exclusively. Perhaps the problem is that now her body is too cramped to be in the swing for long periods of time. I don't know...it's a theory. And even if that isn't the problem, she still needs to transition to her crib for sleeping.
We're back to getting way to little sleep as we deal with this new transition. Poor Kelly...the girl looks like a mac truck has hit her...and while she is coping really well, I feel badly. I do so much better than she does with little sleep. Hopefully this will pass soon...for all of our sakes.
Today, Bailey has a doctor's appointment to get her hearing tested. She failed three times in one ear (you know, the standard hearing test) so we have to take her to a specialist. Apparently, there is no indication that she has a hearing problem, just that she wouldn't be quiet for long enough for them to accurately perform it. LOL - our loud mouth girl. The specialist has better equipment and it won't take as long or need complete silence. If she does have a hearing problem, we'll deal with it. Better to know now.
Tonight, we're leaving Bailey with a sitter for a couple of hours and going to see License to Wed with Robin Williams. Every time I see the commercials I laugh so hard I cry, so off we go. Momma needs a good laugh and Kelly is so good at indulging me when I need a short break. I'm looking forward to it...
Ahhh...sleeping beauty awakes. We have to leave the house at 8:30, so I should run and get her dressed and fed. She'll probably still scream in the car, but that's to be expected. I'll wear her when we get there and that will fix it all...
7/02/2007
Unbelievable...
Well, today marks two months since our Bailey made her appearance into this world and our lives. I am absolutely astounded by the changes that have occurred - in me, in us, in her. It seems like every surface, every texture, every sight, every sound has changed...even those that were seemingly untouched by her presence. My vision has changed. The world is no longer in shades of pink and purple, but rather a blend. There is threat out there that I never conceived of before I was tasked with keeping our child safe. There is beauty that I couldn't have ever wondered at if I had not been blessed with the kind of pure love that Bailey has brought us. My everything is different. There is no longer a "me" without Bailey and there never will be again. There is no longer an "us" without our child. There is no longer a world where the very core of it isn't this child and this life that we are providing for her.
The enormity of it all leaves me breathless. Scared almost, but then I remember that I'm someone's rock. Kelly and I are the sum total of what makes Bailey's life safe and secure. We cannot fail...and we won't. Never have I felt so weak or so strong. Parenting is the ultimate paradox.
It's the little things. Today, for Bailey's morning nap, I have laid her down in her crib. This is the first time that I've done that. She's only been in her crib one other time while I was working in her room, and she was awake. I was trying to entertain her then, and now I'm trying to get her to sleep. And she fell asleep immediately. She's in there now, covered with a blanket, safely enclosed by her positioner so that she doesn't role over, with her binky in her mouth, sound asleep. In her own bed. In her own room.
As happy as I am about this (she needs to be comfortable in a crib, since that is where she'll sleep at daycare), it makes me sad. Already, she starts to need me less as she grows. I know, I know...it will change and she's only 8 and half weeks old. But still. As much as I've needed my space, I feel empty when I get it. It's strange. It's an experience that I've never had before and honestly, I struggle within each moment to know how to cope.
I can almost hear Kelly right now (or Kelly's mom, actually) telling me to just relax and enjoy the moments. Enjoy each one of them. But that isn't me. I take each emotion out and examine it. I roll it around and figure out where it fits and how to describe it. Very, very rarely do I ever just sit and enjoy something. I'm inquisitive and I want to know where the emotions fit in the pattern of my life.
Now, I can see Kelly smiling. She, of everyone else in this world, understands that about me the most.
I can see myself in Bailey more and more. It's profound to see myself reflected back. It's odd to see traits of myself in a person who is not me. It's funny to see how those characteristics play out and combine with those that are uniquely Bailey. What's really incredible for me is that already, I can see Kelly in Bailey. There are moments when Bailey looks at me and it's like Kelly is staring at me. Sometimes when I'm playing with Bailey, she just watches me with this slightly amused expression on her face. It's the same expression that Kelly gets when I'm dancing around the kitchen or doing something crazy to get her attention. I love Bailey the most in those moments...if it's possible to quantify a love that has no end.
I think the thing that is the most different is that I am no longer the biggest person in this house. I'm no longer the most important. For someone like me, that's hard. It was even harder to accept that the source of most of my struggle was jealousy over the kind of attention that Bailey commands from everyone. Human emotion is intense, and the stuff that comes out of me is generally more intense than most. I don't take a backseat very well. It's taken me this long to realize/figure out/remember that for now (forever?) Bailey will be our first priority. And then her sibling. It will be years until it's just me and Kelly again...and even then, every parent I know says that it never ends. It's amazing, really, these changes.
So this is long and rambling. I'm able to do it because she's sleeping in her crib, on her own. I should go...shower, clean up, do laundry, prep dinner while I have my hands free. The endless list of chores still needs to be done.
Have a happy day, everyone!
The enormity of it all leaves me breathless. Scared almost, but then I remember that I'm someone's rock. Kelly and I are the sum total of what makes Bailey's life safe and secure. We cannot fail...and we won't. Never have I felt so weak or so strong. Parenting is the ultimate paradox.
It's the little things. Today, for Bailey's morning nap, I have laid her down in her crib. This is the first time that I've done that. She's only been in her crib one other time while I was working in her room, and she was awake. I was trying to entertain her then, and now I'm trying to get her to sleep. And she fell asleep immediately. She's in there now, covered with a blanket, safely enclosed by her positioner so that she doesn't role over, with her binky in her mouth, sound asleep. In her own bed. In her own room.
As happy as I am about this (she needs to be comfortable in a crib, since that is where she'll sleep at daycare), it makes me sad. Already, she starts to need me less as she grows. I know, I know...it will change and she's only 8 and half weeks old. But still. As much as I've needed my space, I feel empty when I get it. It's strange. It's an experience that I've never had before and honestly, I struggle within each moment to know how to cope.
I can almost hear Kelly right now (or Kelly's mom, actually) telling me to just relax and enjoy the moments. Enjoy each one of them. But that isn't me. I take each emotion out and examine it. I roll it around and figure out where it fits and how to describe it. Very, very rarely do I ever just sit and enjoy something. I'm inquisitive and I want to know where the emotions fit in the pattern of my life.
Now, I can see Kelly smiling. She, of everyone else in this world, understands that about me the most.
I can see myself in Bailey more and more. It's profound to see myself reflected back. It's odd to see traits of myself in a person who is not me. It's funny to see how those characteristics play out and combine with those that are uniquely Bailey. What's really incredible for me is that already, I can see Kelly in Bailey. There are moments when Bailey looks at me and it's like Kelly is staring at me. Sometimes when I'm playing with Bailey, she just watches me with this slightly amused expression on her face. It's the same expression that Kelly gets when I'm dancing around the kitchen or doing something crazy to get her attention. I love Bailey the most in those moments...if it's possible to quantify a love that has no end.
I think the thing that is the most different is that I am no longer the biggest person in this house. I'm no longer the most important. For someone like me, that's hard. It was even harder to accept that the source of most of my struggle was jealousy over the kind of attention that Bailey commands from everyone. Human emotion is intense, and the stuff that comes out of me is generally more intense than most. I don't take a backseat very well. It's taken me this long to realize/figure out/remember that for now (forever?) Bailey will be our first priority. And then her sibling. It will be years until it's just me and Kelly again...and even then, every parent I know says that it never ends. It's amazing, really, these changes.
So this is long and rambling. I'm able to do it because she's sleeping in her crib, on her own. I should go...shower, clean up, do laundry, prep dinner while I have my hands free. The endless list of chores still needs to be done.
Have a happy day, everyone!
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