Many Things

Well, I found a minute this morning! The wonderful thing about my job is that people get a hell of a lot more frantic about things than they need to. Honestly, I switched with Kelly (this was supposed to be my morning with Bailey) so that I could come in early and get thing done...but then I got here and it only took my about an hour to make it all happen. *sigh*

I am leading New Associate Orientation this morning - and I'm a little nervous. It's not that I don't know how to do it, but the big dark secret that I carry around with me is that I'm scared to death of being in the spotlight. I hide it well, but really, I'd rather be behind the the scenes. But, part of my new job is going to be doing these orientations, so I need to get used to it. Once I've done it a couple of times and have a system, I'll be fine.

Anyway...

The adoption on Friday was absolutely incredible. My mom talks about family of origin versus family of choice and how when you "grow up" the family that you choose is often not your family of origin. While Kelly and I still happily call our families of origin our family, we realized on Friday that we now have a family of choice, as well. Monica, Susanne and their little boy Danny, and our wonderful, wonderful neighbor (who is so much more than a neighbor now) Karen came with us to the adoption. As I stood there, holding Bailey and listening as the judge pronounced Kelly a legal parent of Bailey, I felt like bursting with love for the people who had chosen to witness such an important day in our lives.

Monica, Susanne, Danny and Karen - thank you. Thank you for recognizing the importance of this event and for taking the time out of your lives to be there with us. I cannot begin to tell you what it means to all three of us to have each one of you in our lives. We love you...

It's funny - I don't think that either one of us anticipated that the adoption would mean so much or be so important. But it was. It felt more special to me than the moment of her birth. Perhaps that is because this was the moment when the three of us are irrevocably bound to one another. Bound without fear of other people trying to separate us. Forever, Bailey is Kelly's daughter. No one can ever take her from Kelly, and it turns out that the moment that happened was really important. I'm not sure how to put it in words. It was a feeling, and one that I'll never forget.

The other really big thing that has happened is that I've now been on Prozac for about a week and a half. I absolutely cannot begin to tell you what an improvement I've seen in myself in just this week. Honestly, I feel like my life has turned 180 degrees. I didn't realize just how horrible I was feeling - how useless, hopeless and disgusting. Honestly, I felt like the worst parent possible and, even worse, I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Not because of Bailey, but because I felt like I was such a failure and I felt guilty that I was subjecting her to my horrible parenting skills. I can't come up with the words to describe how hard the past three and half months have been for me.

Postpartum depression is horrible. Not just because of the way it made me feel, but because it caused me to get mired in those horrible feelings of depression. I felt like it was pointless to try to get help, because I was such a shitty mother/person/partner anyway. I've never felt so bad about myself or my life.

I finally sought pharmaceuticals help because of Kelly. I asked Kelly one night if she thought I needed to take drugs. Kelly, with all her bold honesty, looked me straight in the eyes and told me that she thought I did because for her, it was more difficult dealing with me than with Bailey. I realized that, wrapped up in that comment, was three months of her frustration and worry about my mental state. I also realized that I wasn't just tumbling into my black hole of depression alone...I was dragging the two people I love the most in this world with me. And THAT is something I wasn't willing to do.

So, I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Prozac. It's a low dose, but it's made all the difference in the world. I think that I can speak for both Kelly and I when I say that the differences are like night and day. I found myself dancing in the kitchen the other day. I know that sounds silly, but it's something that I used to do all the time. Recently, I haven't felt like doing much of anything, let alone dancing. But now, I feel lighter. Things just don't feel so fucking heavy all the time. I don't feel like a shitty parent. I don't feel like a shitty partner. I feel like a new mom, a partner with a new baby and like I am part of a pretty good team. I feel like I have something to contribute to our family. I don't feel like a burden to Kelly. I don't feel like the thing that Bailey will have to overcome in her life.

Honestly, I feel like me again. I smile, I laugh. When Bailey is fussy, I can handle it. When Kelly is moody, I can handle it. When I'm moody, it's just moody - not the horrible, bone-crushing sadness that it has been recently. The daily tasks are just that - tasks that need to get done, but nothing to panic about. Everything, everything, everything is 100% better.

And, it shows in all parts of our lives. Kelly and I actually enjoy each other these days. I'm her partner again, her wife, the girl she fell in love with. Bailey is so much more laid back, now that I'm not so strung out. Even the cats are happier. It's as if our entire life has breathed a sigh of relief.

I have learned some very valuable lessons about myself. I will NEVER mess with postpartum depression again. In fact, I will probably bottle feed all of our children so that I can get on antidepressants immediately after birth. I've realized how much impact I have on my family. That old say is true - when Momma's not happy, nobody is happy! But now, I'm back to good. We are back to good.

Still Here

Still here...been busy as hell. The adoption went really well - we are a legal family now, with the papers to prove it...

I have lots to share, but I'm constantly busy...maybe tomorrow after I pick Bailey up, I'll be able to write...

More to come...I promise!!!!

YouTube, Pictures & Videos

If you are interested in keeping up with the videos, and you are having trouble seeing them from the blog (some people are), feel free to sign into YouTube using our account! A word of warning, though...the first time a video gets deleted, or changed from private to public, I'm just going to stop posting videos. We want to keep Bailey to only the group of you that we trust...so just go in and watch the videos! Don't change any settings...

With that said, there are videos from her first day of life...so enjoy!

AND...Kelly finally saw Bailey roll over (she's been doing it for a couple of weeks now) and she got it on film! The video of her rolling is in YouTube if you can't see it below!!! Pretty exciting, huh??

And here are some new pictures (including some of my hair)!

Swing & Binky = Evil

Yes, the swing that has saved our lives and our sleep for the past three months is now evil. Evil I say. The reason that this once miraculous invention has fallen out of favor? Well, our Bailey has outgrown it...and she just doesn't sleep so well without the rhythmic back and forth motion.

*sigh*

We're working on breaking her into her crib. She spent all of last night there. She went down at 8, woke up at 9, 10, 11:45 (got fed this time), 12:25, 2, 3:30, and 5:15.

And why, you might ask, did she wake up? Well, the binky fell out of her mouth, that's why! And because she wasn't swinging in a nice gentle motion, it become a reason to wake up and cry until the binky was put back in.

*sigh*

At one point, I rolled over and asked Kelly if she'd like to play "fetch the binky" for a while.

Festive good times.

Hair Details

For Bleu - the haircut is very similar to Victoria Beckham's hair (The Posh, for all those in the know...LOL). The major difference is that I have curly hair, so the style if funky and curly as opposed to straight and sleek. It is very short in the back and the length follows my jaw so that the front is actually pretty long. From the front, it doesn't look like I got much of a cut...

Does that help??? LOL!

I promise pictures soon...

Oh, and Bleu - my toes and fingers are crossed for you...

Busy World

I've been way too busy at work to post, and at home there is never enough time! Things are good...just crazy.



I got my hair cut. Pictures to come...



This weekend we got our new CRV...I'll also post pictures of that!



This Friday is the adoption! WOO HOO!!! I'm really looking forward to it...



I'll post more later...until then...

Long, Short...Medium?

Well, the hair dilemma is no where near resolved. Of the people I've talked to, most like 6 the best - which is great, because that is my favorite and the one that would work best on my hair.

Except Kelly.

Who would rather me not cut my hair at all.

So, it's going to be a game time decision. It'll depend on how I'm feeling when I'm sitting in the chair, watching my wife's eyes through the mirror.

In other news - Bailey makes me laugh continuously. We've continued walking every night. She loves it. She gets excited to sit in the stroller and even more excited to be going outside and seeing the world. Our baby is an adventurer...not very content to sit around and let life pass her by. Last night, we saw a couple of our neighbors outside who have a 3 year old daughter. Bailey just laughed, smiled and waved her arms and legs all around. She LOVES other kids. Loves them. Especially ones that walk. I think she's making plans for when she can coordinate her limbs into motion.

We're hopefully picking up our new car this weekend. We'll see. There is some stuff with the bank that has to work out - timing is everything - and if it doesn't, we won't be able to get the vehicle until next weekend. But, hopefully it will be Saturday.

Finally - one week from today, Kelly and I will be working our way towards Baltimore to finalize her adoption of Bailey!!! What a wonderful day that will be...kind of like another birthday...

Thoughts

We're plugging along. All is good. Bailey is amazing these days. It just seems like the fog is finally clearing. We'll see.

I have a million thoughts running through my head and nothing really to say. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to put into words all that I'm thinking.

Until then, have a good day everyone!

Short Hair

Well, I think the time has finally come. For years, my hair has been long or longish. Kelly prefers it this way, and I've seen no reason to rock the boat. I mean, after all, it's her that has to look at me all the time...LOL!

But, I've finally reached a point where I need to make a change. My life is just too crazy and I don't do my long hair in the morning. Rather than blowdry it out, I let it dry naturally and put it in a ponytail. If I do create any kind of style, it's just curly and then pulled back with a barrett. And I'm tired of that. I want something fresh and new and fun and flirty and cute. Something that makes me feel a bit lighter.

So, I need your help! Below are 6 pictures of styles that I'm considering. Take a look and let me know which ones you like, what you don't like and and if you think I'm completely mad for even considering it!

STYLE 1

STYLE 2

STYLE 3

STYLE 4


STYLE 5
STYLE 6

The Secret???

Could it be as simple as walking? That's what I want to know.

Last night, at around 7:30, we put Miss. B in her stroller (a new forward facing one that we got from a friend) and went out and walked 1 1/4 miles on the track. We didn't move fast, spent about a 40 minutes outside. We met a couple of other little kids (Bailey got really excited, smiling and sticking out her tongue), we were able to talk to each other uninterupted, we got some excersize and Bailey went down so easily last night at 8:30...in her crib...and she slept until 4 AM uninterupted. Then she went back down until Kelly had to wake her up this morning.

Could that really be the key? Seriously? Who knew that spending time walking outside could be so good for us, for our daughter, for our relationship...for everything.

We're going to try it again tonight...

Our Anniversary!!!

In my ranting about marriage and waiting for Bailey to wake up on Friday, I forgot to celebrate our one year anniversary!!!

Friday marked one year from the date that Bailey was conceived! We inseminated at 10:08 AM on August 10, 2006...and our little honey was created at some point in the two days following.

I've always said that I knew I got pregant immediately. But...I thought she was a little boy! LOL - I guess I was wrong about that!!!

Kelly laughs and reminds me that I had a 50% chance of getting it right. *sigh*

Either way, that was a very blessed day...

Made Me Think of Grammy

My daily calendar quote today:

"Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty - they merely move it from their faces into their hearts." ~Martin Boxbaum

Makes me think of my grammy...

Great Weekend

We had a wonderful weekend. Busy, yes. But we had some really good time with Bailey and actually managed five minutes of play time without the baby! Kelly and I haven't played with each other in a long time. ***Note: while this could sound sexual, it's definitely not. I'm talking about that really good stuff - you know, the giggling. hugging, kissing, playing-in-the-kitchen kind of thing. It's amazing what five minutes of together-time can do to a woman...

Here's a bunch of videos and some new pictures:

WICKED Bad Hair Day!

Just Waking Up (check out the binky marks)!

God, I love this woman...

Playing with Mommy!

Beautiful Blue Eyes...

I'm so big!!!!

We look alike. I finally see it!

Momma loves you, honey!

Pure love...at it's best!

We disovered this weekend that we LOVE applesauce!


She's been trying for about a month now to make the butterflies move on her own. We caught the moment she figured it out...


She loves her red block...


Tummy Time!!! Before you know it, she's going to actually start moving...


A VERY tired girl!


"Naptime"

Marriage

Kelly forwarded me a link this morning to an article that details a Democratic forum on gay issues that took place last night. It has started me thinking, again, about how I feel about marriage.

I'm not surprised, or even disappointed, that most of the Democratic candidates do not support gay marriage. After all, a majority of the country doesn't either. Whether that is for political, social or religious reasons is irrelevant. The candidates are trying to get elected and an issue as divisive as gay marriage could bring an entire campaign down. So...I don't blame them.

I am interested, though, in the continued opposition. I wish someone could give me a logical explanation to why it would be such a catastrophe if Kelly and I were legally married. All of the arguments hold very little weight. And if nobody can give me a reason, I wish they would just own up to the fact that it comes down to the "ick" factor.

I kind of see it like the opposers to gay marriage are a little like three year olds, throwing a fit on the floor.

Let me explain. Kelly and I are married in every sense of that word. We have created, through other legal means, the exact same protections that legally married couples have. I could detail all the ways, but it's pointless. Suffice to say, we have all the same protections. Whether or not we are emotionally married to one another is another moot point - I mean, really, legal marriage certainly doesn't ensure that people are emotionally committed to one another (hence, the astronomical divorce rate). So, that brings me to religion. In the eyes of many religious communities, we are not married. But, the thing is, religion is only an argument if you believe what they are saying. After all, religion is FAITH...and by its very definition faith is the belief in something that you CANNOT PROVE. So, all the religious arguments are, as far as I'm concerned, completely pointless too. Who knows what the hell happens when we die and who is up there. We can't know, we're not supposed to know and the best we can do as human beings is have FAITH (hence, not provable) that there is a grander plan.

I'm not arrogant enough to believe that whatever is out there looking at the big picture is interested even the slightest in whether or not one of us has a penis and the other has a vagina. Honestly, I think that if there is a God, that being is much more interested in whether or not we are good to each other.

But, even if I'm dead wrong on that point, IT STILL CAN'T BE PROVEN!!!!!. Kelly and I will figure out what happens when we die...when we die!!!! So, the religious argument is as pointless as an emotional one.

So all that is left is the legal argument. We are not legally recognized by the government. To that, I say SO FUCKING WHAT????? We've created, using heterosexual law, the exact same protections as the so cold "precious" institution of marriage...so why would it matter if the government were to recognize it? I want just one LOGICAL reason. That's all.

Which brings me back to why I think that the opposers are acting like temper tantrum throwing three year olds. The proof is in the pudding. Kelly and I...a consummate LESBIAN couple have thwarted the attempts of those of you would deny us the same legal protections of marriage. We already have those same protections. And yet, you hold the label of marriage so closely to you...as if it means anything. Ladies and gentlemen...it's just a fucking word. A WORD. A word that describes a choice, a commitment and some legal protections. Since we have everything except the word, don't you think it's just a little childish to be so intent on withholding the label?

So, I'm not so upset that the Democrats are running scared from this issue. The reality is that the argument is already won. Kelly and I will get the rights we deserve. It's really hard to go backwards, and let me just point out, that the snowball has begun. Once multiple states start granting rights, it's hard to stop. It's like trying to stop the tide. It's already happening.

My advice? All those marriage opposers should take all their energy that they are using to prevent Kelly and I from getting a label and use it to help the 50% of the already legally married population who is actually desecrating the sanctity of marriage. Fix yourselves, before you try to break us. Okay?

Waiting for Miss. B

It's 6:40 in the morning. Bailey has been sleeping, without waking up, since 7:45 last night. This is now her third night in a row, sleeping like this. I hesitate to say that we're seeing a trend, because I don't want to jinx it...but MAN! This is lovely!!! I haven't had uninterrupted sleep like this since before I was pregnant!!!! Even if it's just a few days worth, it's been wonderful...

I'll have to wake her up in about 20 minutes if she is no up on her own.

Things actually seem to be settling down a little. Maybe the right term is that it seems things are smoothing out. Bailey is acting more and more like other children - a little less loud, a little less demanding, and a little more easy going. I have a theory that it is as much about Bailey's age as it is about my stress level. Honestly, I'm 100% less stressed about parenting now that I'm back to work.

Work provides me with the reminder that I'm pretty good at what I do. Ironically, that spills over into feeling good about being a parent. And a healthy dose of missing Bailey all day goes a long way to actually being able to tolerate the fall outs when they happen in the evening. It's a lot easier to try to comfort a screaming baby when you actually have some energy to devote to her. I'm a better parent now, than I've ever been. That might be difficult for the die-hard, stay at homers to understand...but it is what's real for me.

Anyway - the point is that I think we may have turned a corner. I think that we are finally getting our true groove as a family. The worst of the major adjusting seems to be over for right now. It's time to breathe for a few days and just enjoy each other...and get ready for the next major shift...which I'm sure it just around the corner!!!!

Christmas in August

Yes, my friends...it's CHRISTMAS!

At least, it was Christmas for a few wonderful, blessed minutes in our house last night. On the hottest day of the year (it was 112 degrees here with 75% humidity...I mean, shit.). I walked through the front door, after having been on the bus ride from hell (slow driver, broken AC) to find two HUGE boxes that contained our brand spankin' new artificial christmas tree!!!!!!!!

Now, some of you might be thinking, "WHAT?!???!". But let me explain. Tree suck around here. The lives ones are dead right now - drought and very hot weather does not create pretty christmas trees. In fact, it kills them. And there is no way in hell that I'm putting a dead (read: fire hazard) tree up in my new house for over a month (from Thanksgiving until after Christmas) with my new baby. It's just not worth the risk. Not for a real tree.

But...we invested in a very, very nice tree. See, we found out that you can save almost 40% by buying off season...which we did. It will still take us about 5 years to recover the cost (we normally spend between $80-$100 a year on a tree...you do the math), but it is well, well worth it!

We purchased from Balsam Hill and we selected the Norway Spruce from the Vermont Signature line. We got ours unlit (because some years we'll want white...other years color) and because the longevity of the tree is better. We got a 7 1/2 foot tree. Here's a picture:

We are very, very happy with our selection!

Politics, Politics, Politics

Well, I've decided to cast aside any doubts that I may have and am throwing my support to Hillary Clinton for President in 2008. I must say that I've waffled back and forth a lot on this issue, but in the end, it has come down to two things:

1) She's got the most (and the best) experience for the job. I'm sure some would debate this point, but let's face it - she spent 8 years work side-by-side husband while he was in office. And they were a 8 FABULOUS years.

2) She's a woman. Pure and simple. We need to smash the glass ceiling and get a woman into office. This isn't the only reason - I wouldn't vote for someone that I don't believe in - but it matters. A lot.

Many have said that Hillary will divide the country (I was one of them), but I think that anyone will divide the country. Electoral politics are devisive no matter who we're talking about. I think looking for someone who is going to placate the country is the wrong approach...and I was misguided in thinking that would be good. We need to be fired up. We need to care. And if it takes a little controversy to do that, so be it.

So...I'll be voting for Hillary in the primary. I'll hopefully be voting for her in the general election. And on election night, I hope that I will be holding my daughter, sitting next to my partner and celebrating a victory for Democrats and women everywhere!

Bouncing Along

All is good. Bailey slept great last night, Kelly and I slept great last night, and this morning was alright. According to the daycare, Bailey is having a great day. So...not much to report...

I promise pictures at some point...

Pretty Good

Miss. B is doing really well, which means that we are doing pretty well right now. Last night she slept, uninterupted from 11 PM - 6:45 AM. The night before, she slept uninterupted from 9:45 PM - 7 AM. That part is definately easier. It's nice to get some uninterupted sleep.

Kelly and I are hanging in there. It's all about adapting, and we're doing our best. We'll be okay. Lord knows, Kelly and I have been through enough in our love that this little hiccup of change is nothing. Honestly, we've survived the worst; adapting to parenting isn't even really a challenge for us as a couple. Sure, we miss each other, but we both know that this part is temporary. LOL - besides, it'll be really nice when we do finally get some "us" time...LOL!

Now...adapting to parenting as parents...that's a whole different story. But we're getting there. We really are. No matter how it sounds, life isn't horrible. It's just different, and the demands are different. That's all.

So, right now, we're good. The McFadden's are doing alright...

I Finally Understand

I finally understand how people's lives can get out from under them. I finally understand how you can move so fast that you miss the little things. I finally get people who never stop to smell the roses. I finally can appreciate why people seem surprised to wake up one day and discover themselves old, their children grown and their relationship all but dead from lack of attention.

Okay, so that is a bit dramatic, but what the hell did you expect?

Honestly, though, it's amazing how quickly life seems to be moving these days. It seems I just woke up. Didn't I just drop Bailey off 20 minutes ago? How can it possibly be 5:15 already? I just started drinking my morning cup of coffee. Dear God, by the time I get home, it'll be 7 PM and I haven't even eaten lunch yet.

See, the pace of my life is insane. Truly insane. It takes an enormous act of will and sheer determination to make it work. Not to mention truly miraculous adaptability and supreme organization skills. I've never in my life been so incredible "on" all the time.

I miss Kelly a lot these days. I thought I missed her while I was on maternity leave and it seemed that our entire relationship was changing (it was) as we adapted to life with Bailey. But I had no idea. None. We barely talk. And it's not for lack of wanting or even trying. We just don't have time. We spend all day, every day, getting shit ready for the next thing - nighttimes are spent getting ready for the next day/next morning and the weekend are spent getting ready for the next week. I can't remember the last time we had a conversation that didn't include some kind of planning for the chess game of our life. Hell, we don't even do the weekend chores together anymore. It's easier to concur and divide.

So anyway. I don't mean to bitch (well, I do...just a little), but I do want to point out that I finally understand. I get how people are slaves to thier schedules instead of participants in their lives. I understand now.