All is normal in the McFadden household. So normal that I find it tedious to write about it. You all know the drill - up early, run the marathon, drop in bed. It doesn't change for us right now.
This past weekend Bailey was sick with strep. I was sick on Friday, but since Bailey's sickness trumped mine, I didn't really get to be sick. Connor's cold from earlier in the week settled into his lungs and nebulizer treatments were called for. Kelly healed like a normal person, although now she thinks she's getting a sinus infection. But since we've finally beat the yeast, she's terrified of the antibiotic cure.
Good fucking times.
See, this is why I haven't been writing. I am just in a mostly terrible mood these days. Honestly, I am just not a fan of my entire world being about the daily grind. I had a great trip to Maine with Bailey over Memorial Day. It was delightful. It was one of those perfect moments in time where you would like to stop time and just enjoy every moment. I hung with old buddies, I went out and got completely obliterated on Saturday night, my baby girl slept like the living dead and woke up refreshed every day, she played with her Grammie and Andrea, planted a garden. Really - it was a perfect trip.
And then I come home and realize that perfection exists only in moments and I can't help but feel bitter. I'm super frustrated with the fact that, even though I have everything I've ever said I wanted, I still feel like I need to reach for more. I don't know. I just find myself asking "really...is this as good as it gets?" And part of me knows that this IS as good as it gets with a 2-3 hour a day commute, a 3 month old and a 2 year old. I do know that things right now are crazy, and that isn't just my imagination. They really are.
I remember that it took about a year for Kelly and I to find one another after Bailey was born. The difference is that in my pregnancy, I didn't withdraw as much as Kelly did in hers. In her defense, her pregnancy was completely awful. But we're now 13 months into this (from the point that she got pregnant) and we've been lost for at least that long. And we had barely started to recover. I mean, Bailey was only 15 months old when we got pregnant.
So I don't know. Logically, it all makes sense that I'm struggling. But fuck! I am so tired of it. I jsut want to be happy.
1 comment:
Oh Mikki, poor baby. You really are having the blues today. I know it's my mantra, but you are in the always and never part of parenting--will it always be like this? Will I never get back to normal?
It won't always and you will get back to something much more satisfying. For one thing, you are exhausted, girlfriend. Our attitudes are never as good when we are barely able to put one foot ahead of the other.
Hang on to those crystal clear moments of Maine with Bailey, be really good to Kelly, love those two babies every chance you get, and pet the kitties. There is something so calming and clearing about petting a kitty.
And, you might try being thankful for all the good things in your life by listing them to yourself on a daily basis. Sometimes the awful parts overwhelm us and we can't see how many things there are to really rejoice in.
We all love you and support you, Mikki. This will pass into brighter days ahead.
Karen
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