Changing Priorities

My birthday was fantastic! Kelly had the house all cleaned (yes, this is a gift for me) and decorated when I arrived home on Thursday night. There was a delicious red velvet cake, balloons, presents, cards, streamers and a banner! LOL - I know that it is silly, but I love a party. I really do. Especially when I'm the guest of honor. Makes me feel like a princess. And I love my wife for knowing this.

Bailey was excited too.

We did dinner first - steak, mashed potatoes and corn on the cobb. Then cake and ice cream and then my present!!! And boy, this is where my wife really shines. She knows me so well. I needed a black purse (it has been a never-ending drama for a couple of years) and she found the perfect purse for me! But that is not it. She stuffed the purse. When I opened it up, there were a ton of little red bags, each filled with stuff. There were gift cards good for an entire night out (dinner at Outback, dessert at Coldstone, blockbuster movie rentals), there were gift cards for Starbucks and Itunes. There were my favorite pens, lottery cards, purse essential (antibacterial foam and gum), there was kisses, a necklace to replace my broken chain from my necklace. It was so much fun to open!!!! The kids got me my favorite candle and car air freshner from Yankee Candle.

It was fantastic and I had a great time! Kelly's theme for my birthday was "everything I wanted" and it continued through having a clean house and...well...you know.

What a terrific birthday!

And now I'm 30. This seems so significant, but I can't seem to place why. I feel like I need to reorder my priorities, but I'm not sure what reorder needs to happen. Perhaps it's just a need to reaffirm that I'm where I want and need to be and that I'm living a life that I won't regret when I'm done. That is, after all, my ultimate goal in my life. When I'm old and wrinkly (and hopefully that will happen), I don't want to look back and say "I wish". I want to live now and not regret later. I want to be fully present in my world and I want my world to reflect all the parts of me. I want to celebrate who I am and what I'm doing and I want for the life I lead to clearly show that.

I think I am struggling with this right now because we are still in the thick of finding a new normal with a new baby. This morning, I found myself thinking that Bailey is probably struggling a bit because we are fumbling with timing. She's always had a predictable schedule and finds comfort from being able to predict what will be happening next. Of course, she needs that because we need it and we have always given her that since she was born. With a new baby, that is, of course, impossible. It will re-emerge. Of that I am certain. It always does. Connor is growing and changing every day and each day brings us closer to finding our rhythm with a new child.

Kelly and I are going to be fine. I know that those of you who know me were able to read between the lines and realize that I was really struggling last week. That, of course, came out right at the end of what has been a long period of struggling in my marriage. I haven't shared on purpose, through all of it. I can say now that we're going to be fine. When all else fails, it is Kelly who I need to complete my life. There are things that are not good. There are things that both of us would change in a heartbeat if we could. But, when it is all said and the quiet moments take over, I need her. I do not want to leave my marriage and start over. I do not want to ignore the pleading of my heart when it says to stick with it and see this through. I do not want to make a decision that I will regret...and if I were to leave Kelly, I would regret that. I love her. As deeply as I ever have and I simply choose to believe that we will be okay. There is too much there, too much that is important to both of us, for us not to be. For better or worse. Those are the words I said, those are the words she said and they are the words we will honor. In our darkest moments, we always seek each other. That is our salvation and what, in the end, says more to me than anything about where I want to be. She is my wife and I will share my life with this woman.

For now, I just have to accept and work with the reality that nothing is predictable right now. We are still working through infancy and we will make it through this. I don't know who we will be as a family on the other side. I don't know who I will be as a woman. But I do know that we will emerge together, the four of us, and that the life we have will be the life we create together.

That is what I am certain of, and that's not a bad way to start 30.