I'm trying so hard to stay positive. Kelly is starting to worry in increasing amounts about my moods, my blood pressure, my energy level. We're at the end game, and every fiber of my body and my spirit can feel it.
This is, ideally, when I would stop working. If I knew that I could just spend tomorrow resting, and the day after and the day after...well you get it - I would be able to relax a little. But I feel like I can't afford to relax. I have to get stuff ready for the week - because it makes life so much easier. Problem is that if I don't relax, the week is so much harder.
I know that I keep saying this over and over again and I keep wanting to change my attitude. Part of me feels like a miserable failure because I can't seem to keep everything together 100% of the time. I know that this is 50% (at least) pregnancy hormones. I know it is. Logically, I know that. But in the part of my brain that is working on pure hormonal energy, I don't care.
What would be nice is if tomorrow I could go get a pedicure and see a matinée. I'd love to sleep until 7 or 8 in the morning and wake up when my body is ready to get up. I'd love to be able to make dinner in a way that didn't feel rushed. I'd love to not ride the bus, not get motion sick, not have to deal with work and my coworkers. I'd love to not have to fake smile and answer a million times a day "I'm hanging in there" when people look at my tummy and then ask how I'm feeling.
And I worry. Am I pushing myself to hard? Should I take a week or so off before Bailey is born just to get myself ready for the marathon of childbirth and the early weeks? I mean, I really want to spend as much time with her after her birth before I go back to work, but am I doing us both a disservice by trying to work too hard before she gets here and not allowing myself to rest up now, when I don't have a baby to tend to?
I just don't know, and I'm afraid that with my exhaustion and my emotional energy so low that I can't think about the situation clearly.
I also feel guilty because Kelly doesn't get time off. I mean, it's not like she is going to be able to just take time off to rest. I know that she isn't the one carrying Bailey, but honestly, she's carrying me. I mean, she's going to be just as exhausted.
I don't know. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I need for my life to be working at about 30 miles per hour right now, and in my current situation, it can't. I'm living in 60 miles per hour, and I'm feeling it.
Anybody got any advice?
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2 comments:
Having time off from work was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can recommend living a few weeks in luxurious leisure. I really think that having the break put my mind in gear for the next phase of my life. Um advise: Look pitiful when the doc takes your blood pressure at the next appointment....complain loudly about swelling....ask if bed rest would be a good preventative.
oh and my short term disability covered 60% of my weekly income for the weeks I was on bedrest, so that time did not count against my maternity leave.
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