The Whole Lot Of It!

Last night, in the pouring rain, Kelly and I ventured out route 66 during rush hour traffic, onto the Dulles TOLL road (freakin' $4 each way), and into rural Virginia to score ourselves some second-hand baby stuff. We're thrifty people (most of the time) and we were really hoping that we would find some good products for our $350.

And we did.

We pulled out of there with a very nice cherry wood sleigh crib, an infant car seat with two bases, a bouncy chair (we've heard they are a miracle for mothers), a high chair, two playmats, a bunch of clothes, burpie clothes, shoes, baby towels and other fabric goods, bottles, spoons and other "feeding" things, and a stroller. The crib is a convertible model - although, to be honest we don't intend to convert it. We want to fill it with a second baby...and THEN, maybe, we'll convert it.

We're excited. It's going to feel nice to have some baby stuff around to start really feeling like this is happening. I mean - my physical responses to pregnancy remind me that it's happening all the time, but those feel more like a job than the exciting reality of our lives changing. I can't wait to get the nursery started so that we can go in there and see where our little honey will spend some time.

Of course, we've mentioned (I think) that the little honey will sleep in our room for the first 6 months at least. We'll do a side-by-side sleeper for the first three months (while I'm breast feeding exclusively), and then we'll think about what happens next. So, the nursery is more of an idea than an immediate reality.

But you know. It's still important!

Busy Busy

It's only 8:20 in the morning and already I've been up, made lunches, driven into town, hung out with friends for an hour and made it to work. WOW! Busy day!!!

Not much going on with the pregnancy front. The baby is still in there and growing if my hunger and queasiness is any indication. Apparently, once this week (the Wednesday to Wednesday week that we're on for our pregnancy), our baby will be out of the embronic stage and into the fetal stage. Most of the our little honey's major organs are created and she or he has little fingers and toes and is beginning to look like a little baby. By next Wednesday, she or he will be the size of a "small plum". :-) I like a small plum!!!!

Camping this weekend!!!! I'm WAY excited. I love camping, and even more than that, I LOVE camping with the Mamas. It's so fun to spend time with them. We all bring something different and unique to the table. It's nice to be a part of such a diverse group of ladies...

We're praying for a pregnancy for M & S. For all you folks out there who love us, send some good energy, mama-vibes, or prayers their way. We've got all our mama energy focused on them! Good luck, ladies...

Second-Hand

I woke up this morning feeling exhausted and queasy. After not being able to eat breakfast, I fell asleep for a few extra minutes, which put me behind in my morning routine. Not to worry, though - it all came together in the end and we were on the bus on time. Now I'm at work, ready for another day.

These days the pattern of my life is so simple that it's pretty easy to manage the queasiness and constant exhaustion. I get up, do my morning stuff, go to work, come home, eat and go to bed. That pretty much encompasses it all. It's simple and slow and works for right now. It'll get old soon, but my tired self really appreciates the easy predictability of it all.

Tonight, we may get almost all of our baby goods. We were checking out Craig's List and there was an add for just about everything a person could want - a crib, mattress, high chair, stroller, car seat and base, two play mats, a bunch of clothes and other fabric goods (bibs, burp clothes, etc), a snuggly, bottles, boppy pillow and other stuff. And she's practically giving it all away - at $350 for all of it. WOO HOO!!! I love a bargain! We're going to get some pictures this morning and then, provided that it all looks as good as she says, we're going to go on out and pick it up tonight. The clothes are boy-clothes (which is really good, because we're not big fans of girl clothes!).

I love buying second-hand stuff. It seems so communal and responsible. I mean, honestly - if you can get the stuff second-hand and have it be the exact same (or very close) quality as brand new, why not? It's less money that we have to drop on something that we're not going to need once the baby grows, and we don't have to feel bad spending thousands of dollars that we could be investing, saving or putting toward their future education. So, I'm excited.

We're going to do an "under-the-sea" theme for our nursery. We're absolutely delighted with our options and it'll work no matter what gender our child is. Also, it's something that they can stick with for a couple of years. The plan is to move the first out of the crib into a toddler bed about the time that the second is born. So we need a versitile room. And of course - you know what happens to the best-laid plans. BUT...there you have it.

Enough rambling for today! I'll write tomorrow and let you know how the big purchase went...

Not Much To Say

I don't have much to say today. For those of you who are wondering - I'm feeling okay about the job situation. It sucks, but it's real and I can deal with real. Besides, how can I complain? I have a good job, good benefits, security and the comfort of knowing that all I have to do is show up, put in my time and our life will continue forward. I have a lot more than most people, and I need to not forget to be grateful for that.

So, I'm okay.

I've not been horribly sick since Saturday morning. Some twinges here and there, but nothing that is rough. I'm hoping this holds. Even I can deal with this. I'm going to try to get a good walk in this evening. The air felt so good last night and I want to start walking again. I think it'll help.

We're going camping this weekend. I'm REALLY looking forward to it. I love to camp.

F-ing Responsibility

Good news: I GOT THE JOB!!!

Bad news: I can't take it. They are offering it at pay that is not feasible for us right now. I can tak a pay cut - even a large one - but not a devestating one. And they are offering it at a devestating pay cut.

So, for now, I am still with my current job. Seems that right or wrong, love it or hate it, this is the job that is going to work for me right now. There is some comfort in knowing that I can be okay with a crappy decision, as long as it's the one that works for us and our soon-to-be addition. I would love a new job, but only if it actually works with our life.

I'm going to stop looking and interviewing, though. This is too hard while I'm so emotional. I'm here at least through my pregnancy.

Bumpin' Music

Funny thing about our baby - s/he likes bumpin' loud music. I know that this sounds strange, and lots of poeple would have lots of ways to tell me that it's not the baby who likes the music, but all of those people would be wrong.

When I'm sick, feeling like crap, ready to vomit - all I have to do is get in the car and listen to the hip hop music really loudly. Right now, the baby is most fond of SexyBack by Justin Timberlake. I'm serious.

All of my symptoms disappear and it provides some much needed relief for just a few minutes. As soon as the music is turned off, my symptoms come back.

Personally, we think it's pretty cool. Kelly is musical - she picks up rhythm and harmony quickly and she's very good with instruments. She played flute for many years in junior high and high school. A little music-lover would fit in nicely with our family. And I'd love to have a band geek. Of course, I'd also love to have a grundge punk playing extra loud guitar in our garage. LOL - hell, I'll love her or him no matter what.

I think the whole bumpin' music love that our baby has is wonderful. It's the first event that has made our baby less of a concept and more of his or her own person. I can't wait to give birth to this little creature. To hold her or him in my arms and learn about who they are. I'm so excited about all of this.

Who is this person going to be? And how will they relate to us? How will we relate to him or her? How wonderful that these questions have a lifetime of answers and that we are the lucky people who get to love this little miracle.

I couldn't be happier right now...

Food and Interviews

This morning I interviewed for a job at the Charles County Public Schools. I think it went well. I was uncomfortable in my suit - my belly has bloated just enough to make my old clothes start to feel really uncomfortable. My tatas are enormous, making the shirts I usually wear difficult. And I had to wear knee highs and real shoes. Ugg. BUT, I went in there with a smile and determined to make a good impression. And I think I did. I'll know how it pays off by "the middle of next week."

Today, I'm feeling good again. Yesterday was horrible. I actually threw up a couple of times. By the time I finally got home, the only thing my stomach could handle by way of food was a baked potato with lowfat cottage cheese mixed up for protien. Easy. Delicious. Filling. And I didn't puke. That' s good. It's amazing how my relationship with food has changed. Having been an overweight woman a large portion of my life, I've always heard that one way to change my weight is to eat to survive. I never knew what that actually meant...until now. I literally have to eat to survive. And I can't over eat. And I can't under eat. And I can't eat much ice cream. Or anything sweet really. It's tough.

So, anyway - I'm actually feeling much better today. Maybe that won't hold, but I'll take it for now.

Happy

I woke up this morning happy. Not just run-of-the-mill happy, but really happy. The sort of happiness that I haven't felt in almost six months. Some of you may know that I had been battling a bit of a rough case of the very bluesy blues before I got pregnant. Pregnancy has definately helped, and given me something to focus on and look forward to, but it hasn't really brought me back to the place where I was before I got in my mild depression.

Today, I feel normal. The way that I always feel. I feel hopeful, excited, energized...renewed almost.

There are actually reasons that I can point to. A little aside here - I believe in naming what makes me happy. I guess this goes back to my deep belief that happiness is, in fact, chosen. We choose the life that we live, and then we get to choose whether or not we are going to be happy within that life. For me, it's a way of accepting that sometimes (and even a lot of the time) life is just difficult. So when something comes along that lifts you off the ground with joy, it deserves to be given a name and some air time. Rather than just accept it and let it pass, I choose to celebrate those moments as the diamonds in the rough of my life. And, oddly enough, this philosophy has allowed me to see that my life is more diamond than rough most of the time.

So today, I'm happy for a couple of reasons. First, it's finally Fall. As I was standing outside this morning, waiting for the bus, I was freezing cold. I've never been so happy to get on a warm bus in my life. For me, hot weather is oppressive. It makes me feel lathargic and horrible. I just hate it. When the weather turns, it's like being lifted a hundred feet up in the air for me. I stop feeling so yucky, and start to feel good, energized and excited. There is just something about Fall...

Another reason is that last night I got another interview. This is for a position that is actually an option. It's with the charles county public schools, but it's in the HR department. I would essentially be managing the entire subsitute teacher program - from ensuring that the openings are covered, to data entry, to planning the training and orientation for them. It's a meaty role, with lots for me to learn and care about. Best of all, it's 20 minutes from our house and the hours are 6:30 am - 2:30 pm. Perfect hours for raising babies, as far as I'm concerned. The salary is comprable. I want this job. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm going to go in tomorrow and give it my very best. If it's meant to be, it will be.

Finally - I'm pregnant. For those of you who didn't know. LOL! Honestly, though, so much of pregnancy seems to be focused on getting through the hard stuff. It's easy for me to forget the wonder of it all while I'm fighting constant nausea. Last night, while I was laying there trying to drift off to sleep and rubbing Kelly's head, I thought, "Our dream is coming true." It may not seem quite as profound to you as it did to me, but wow. We've dreamed this dream for years. It's not about the hard work it took to get ready, or the luck of getting pregnant on the first try. It's about the realization that whatever higher power exists out there, believes strongly enough in what Kelly and I share, to gift us with this child. It's our dream. And now it's our reality.

Amazing really.

Rational

Inside, where many people never really god, I'm not very rational. The definition of rational is "having or exercising reason, sound judgment, or good sense." Inside my head, within my truest desires, this is me. I don't want to do what's right, I don't want to put aside my desire for what is responsible. I hate having to make choices and I especially hate it when I have to make a choice that goes against what I would choose if there were never any negative repercussions. I think that makes an irrational person - inside at least.

I think most people would look at the life that Kelly and I've created and see two VERY rational people. We do what we need to do to make the world around us look and feel like what we've always dreamed about. That meant we both made it through school, even though we both hated every second (alright, not EVERY second...but most of them). We plugged away with our noses to the grindstone in order to buy our little house where we could raise our family. We've made many decisions together and seperately that we really wouldn't have made if consequences had no meaning.

Which is why I'm not going to interview for that perfect job that I was talking about earlier this week. The irrational thing to do would be to believe that me - two months pregnant today - could handle a brand new position where I'd be on my feet all day long, working with high energy high school students for 20K a year LESS than what I make now, with less flexibility, fewer (and worse) benefits and only 4 weeks of barely-paid maternity leave. I'd be walking away from my job, that I really don't like, sure. BUT, I'd be leaving behind a desk job that I'm very good at. Money that I really do need to be making. A fantastic benefits package. Flexibility out the wazoo and all kinds of paid maternity leave.

It just doesn't make sense. If the job had a better salary, maybe I'd consider it. But it doesn't, so I can't.

And all this rational decision making is because we're choosing to have a child and I honestly believe my needs no longer come first. So...here is sit. At my desk. Resigned.

And I'm not unhappy. Just resigned to remaining the rational person that I am on the outside.

Things That Make Me Happy

I figured that this was a good day to start this list, because I woke up sick and have been sick every second that I've been awake. Not fun.

So when it gets really rough, I'm going to read this list and think about what makes me happy and before I know it, I'll be back at home and feeling better...

1) Kelly's face when she first stumbles out of bed in the morning
2) Christmas
3) My mother's voice at 6:00 AM on Sunday mornings
4) Air that is so crispy cold it's ALMOST too cold
5) The smell of a fresh cut Christmas tree
6) A child's laughter
7) The thought of our child's laughter
8) Kelly's shoulder when what I need is a hug
9) Sleeping late on Saturday morning without interuption of having to pee
10) Talking to old friends
11) Deep red wine (on hold for now)
12) Sitting on the couch with Kelly, our feet sharing a blanket, with Tiny curled up in between
13) Flowers
14) Food that doesn't leave me feeling horrid (cucumbers and cantalope lately)
15) The first time I see Christmas lights on someone's house during the season
16) The sound of dead leaves scuttling on the ground
17) Boo Boo crying and Punkin nuzzling my neck when I hold her
18) Watching Kelly feed the babies every night
19) An empty sink in a clean kitchen with the light over the sink turned on
20) A blazing fire, a cup of cocoa and nowhere that I have to be

As Promised...

It's taken me a couple of days (insert lazy excuse...) but here they are! The first picture is of our little honey without the hearbeat. The size line is showing you were the baby is located within the yolk sac. The yolk sac is the dark black area on the picture. The second picture is zoomed out and shows our little honey's hearbeat. Hearing it was far more amazing...but this is pretty cool too!

Maybe a Job??

So this morning, as I was being very frusterated with my current position and feeling very out of sorts with my commute and all the same stuff that I've been dealing with for a while, my cell phone rings. On the other line is a scheduler for the Charles County Public Schools wanting to schedule an interview with me for an Instructional Assistant position. This is a position supporting classroom teachers at a high school that is very close to my home. It's also a 10-month position - meaning that I'd get my summers off with my children.

PERFECTION!!!!!

So...we'll see if I get the job. I interview on Thursday.

I'll keep you all posted...

Seriously Productive

Yesterday, Kelly and I rocked the world! We got nearly everything done on our lists, except cleaning the upstairs bathroom and working in the garden. I'm going to tackle the bathroom later this afternoon while I'm doing the laundry. We will probably work in the garden later this afternoon as well.

It's nice to finally feel like I'm getting something done. Really - I'm actually participating. It was kind of a struggle yesterday for a while - we had to do some shopping and at one point Kelly commented that I was "pale". That's a strange thing for me. Weird to be "pale". But, I hung tight and we got through it. Linens and Things had their Christmas stuff out already. That made me really happy.

Other than constant food maintance and the occasional need to nap, I'm moving into this pregnancy well. I'm happy that I'm finally starting to feel the new rhythms of my body and excited about what comes next. While I've had some nauseau and some weirdness with my belly, it seems that the worst of it has not come my way. I'm thankful for that. I have a sister-in-law and a good friend who got pretty bad cases, so I'm truly grateful that I haven't had to deal with that.

Today we are going to see "Invincible" - a football movie based on a true story about some football hero. Honestly, that's all I really know about it, but it looks good and Kelly really wants to go. Our AMC theater has $4 movies if you go before noon. Even miserly people like Kelly and I can spring for that! The movie is so much better when you haven't had to pay $8 to see it.

Here's to another productive day and the coming of Fall. This REALLY is the best time of year...

Going, going...nearly gone!

The cold that I have been suffering with since Tuesday night is finally beginning to loosen it's grip on me. My nose, while still running like a faucet, has settled down enough to let me sleep for multiple hours at a time. The body aches and chills are gone. The headache is gone. I slept for a full 6 hours and 15 minutes last night uninterupted. Granted, I couldn't get back to sleep once I had woken up at 5:15 on a Saturday morning, but at least I had gotten some uninterupted sleep.

Today, we have big plans. We're going to work in our garden, plan a camping trip for our Mamas, plan a football party for next weekend, order our spring bulbs and get some other assorted maintainence stuff done. I'd like to get some cleaning done. The bathroom in our room desperately needs attention. The floors need to be vacumned and the kitchen floor needs to be mopped.

And the best part of all, is that I DON'T feel sick. I'm not overtired and I'm ready to tackle the day.

Good golly - If this holds, I'll end the war and solve world hunger tomorrow!

Little Ticker

I don't know if those two little ticker countdowns that I have on the front page of the blog are helpful or not. They still say 200 and some days left to go. Good God.

I truly do love this, but already, I'm feeling antsy and ready to be through the transitioning part of being pregnant. It's fall (or getting very close). This is the most active time of year for Kelly and I. We walk alot, enjoying the smells of the air and the crispness of the cool. We spend lots of time scuffing our feet through the leaves. This year we have the added benefit of being able to create some flower beds for spring and then bed them down for winter.

In October, we'll be picking pumpkins and apples and beginning the Christmas preparations in earnest. We're hosting this year, so you can bet that there will be lots of crafts and fun thing to prepare. In November, the Christmas shopping will truly start (we've already done some, but you know...) and there is Thanksgiving to plan for. Then December - and all the wonderful festivities of cutting down our tree, hosting our tree decorating party, spending time with our Mamas during the best season of the year and preparing for our down-home Christmas.

I mean, honestly, does it sound like I have the time to be exhausted all the time???

I'm going to start walking at night with Kelly. Not just to keep my weight in check, but also because I'm hoping that it will bring back some of my energy. And if not, at least I'll sleep better. And it's good time for us to talk and plan and dream.

OH...yes...of course. During all this craziness, we also have a house to paint and a nursey to decorate.

Goodness. I'm tired already...

:-) M

Heart Stopping and Life Altering

Those are the only two phrases that I can think of to express how wonderful yesterday was. We had our final appointment with the fertility clinic yesterday. We had an ultrasound and this time, we saw our little honey's heart beating wildly. We were also lucky enough to be able to hear it for the first time. Amazing. Truly amazing.

I guess we're just star-struck, first-time parents, but it blew our minds. I've never felt so elated and so damn lucky. That was our child's heart pounding away wildly on that monitor. All I could do was stare. And count my blessings. I am loved by an amazing woman and we have been given this incredible little life to protect and nurture and share this amazing world with. What a gift. What a truly amazing gift...

We've got pictures and I promise that as soon as I get home I'll scan and upload them. Our little honey is teeny tiny, but still absolutely adorable! LOL!

Sick and...Elated

Today, I'm sick. Not morning sickness sick, but really sick. I have nasty post-nasal drip and my head feels stuffed with cotton. My eyes hurt and burn and every part of me aches. It's horrible. The worst of it all is that I can't go home and I can't take tomorrow off. There is just too much going on here at work. If I were to miss a day, I'd be buried for weeks and it's just not worth it.

On a much, much happier note, though, Kelly and I found our hospital and our doctor. Those of you who talk to us regularly know that we were struggling to find a place to give birth. We have two incredibly different needs in a place of birth. I am (surprise, surprise) much more natural and holistic than Kelly in this arena. I don't want to be hooked up to medical equipment and given drugs and forced to stay in one position. If I want to jump up and down and scream to relieve the pain, that's what I want to be able to do. I'm not going to have an epidural and I'm not one bit interested in scheduling my labor. In short, birth does not feel like a medical situation to me. It feels like the most natural thing in the world - something that my body was born to do. I don't need a bunch of doctors and nurses telling me how to sucessfully complete what is ingrained in every cell of my body.

Kelly, on the other hand, is much more cautious. She almost always lives her life by the "what-ifs." I pass no judgement on this. Advanced planning has saved our asses more times than I would like to admit. The thought for her of my giving birth in a cruncy birthing center was not a good one. There are no monitors, no medications and most importantly, no life-saving steps can be taken if the worst possible thing were to occur for me or the baby.

Well, being the loving partners that we are, we agreed to look at all of our options before we made a decision. We visited one birthing center (I loved it, Kelly was wary), one hospital in DC (we both hated it and vetoed it immediately) and one hospital near where we live in Southern Maryland. This one blew our mind.

It has it all. And it's where we are going to give birth. We see no need to continue our search (which takes the precious few hours at night that we get). Civista (the hospital) has it all. First, it's a hospital. Should anything happen, there are all the right people and units to make sure that we are as medically taken care of as we can be. Second, while they are not exactly encouraging about not using the monitors, they won't force you to use them. We've agreed that I will wear the monitors the minimum amount of time to ensure that both me and the baby are okay (like 10 minutes an hour). Third, they never take our baby unless there is a medical emergency and they have to. This is extremely important to both of us, and was a deal breaker at the first hospital we looked at.

The only concession that I'm making is that I will have to give birth on my back with my legs in stirrups (medically, the absolute WORST position to give birth), and I'll be monitored the entire time I'm pushing. But so what. Everything else is perfect, and isn't that what compromise is all about?

The most important thing of all is that we both felt comfortable there. Kelly said it reminded her of Mon General (for all you WV folks who understand the reference) and it reminds me of Mid-Maine Medical Center (there you go, Maine peeps). Basically, it's casual and comfortable. They ALWAYS used the words "significant other" and we felt perfectly comfortable acting like the couple that we are. We realized that we really do highly value the "home-town" feel of the hospital. The nurses were joking, laughing and enjoying each other and the patients. We don't want to feel like a number. We hate stuffy.

AND finally - all the post partum rooms are private and include a bed for Kelly (no chair sleeping for her...)!

Gender

Just because we've now been asked this question a lot (by many people), I wanted to put out there our "official" stance on why we are not going to find out the gender of the baby.

First - we really just don't want to know. There are very few true surprises left in this world, and the gender of our child is one of them. We want it to be a surprise.

Second - Kelly and I are not into gender stereotyping. Yes, we know - pink is for girls and blue is for boys and quite frankly, we think that's bullshit. We've got no issues with other people wanting that for their children, but we don't want a primarily pink wardrobe for a our daughter or a blue one for our son. The same applys for toys and other gifts. We just don't want the stereotype.

This has caused confusion for some people. How do you know what to buy if you don't know the gender? There are two answers to that question. First - buy a gift that could go for either gender. We're not picky. Stuffed animals are genderless. Books, blocks, loud toys that ensure constant headaches, cute little baby bath stuff - you get the picture. There are LOTS of options that don't have a gender assigned to them. Second - if you are not feeling adventurous - just buy from our registries. We'll have them posted in the next couple of months and that will take all the guess work out of it. All you've got to do is point and click.

So, at the risk of sounding rude - it's not that complicated. A baby is a baby is a child. Whether they are male or female (or god forbid, somewhere in between) is completely contrary to the point , and we don't need clothes or toys to define that for us (or for our child for that matter).

Anyway - I hope this clears the matter up.

Redundant

It seems quite redundant to say that really what I'm feeling these days is just tired, but there it is. I'm tired. Exhausted really. If I could spend 15 hours every day sleeping, I still think that I'd be tired.

Of course, that'll never happen. Instead, I'll celebrate our success as they come.

This weekend, Kelly managed to pretty much do the work of a superhero. She mowed, trimmed the yard, cleaned the garage, painted the dining room (two coats), weeded some pretty weedy areas in our yard, painted the door frame that was showing some signs of peeling paint, and other things that I have forgotten. I managed to haul myself to the grocery store, keep us fed, make dinners for the week, and get the laundry done. And I gave one hell of a massage on Saturday night.

Not too bad for an exhausted pregnant lady.

35 MPH

You know when you're driving down some country road and you find yourself stuck behind some huge vehicle driving about 35 miles per hour? All you can see inside the car is a small poof of white hair, and you just know that you'll be stuck going 35 miles per hour for the rest of your journey?

Well, that's about how frusterating my constant need for sleep is for me. Yesterday, I napped for a total of 4 hours, spread over three different naps. AND, I slept a full night on either end. It's only 11:30 and already today, I've had one one-hour nap. Insanity. I'm the person with endless energy. You know - the one who can go and go and go and go and...well you get the point.

Suddenly, I find myself forced to slow down, to sleep, to rest.

I'm blessed, and so thankful to have, a wonderful partner who encourages me. Rather than be frusterated with me, she reminds me that my body is working really hard right now and keeps things quiet while I crash out. I can't imagine not having her there to back me up and make sure that our lives continue to move forward - even as my energy level slows to a cold-molasses like crawl.

The funny thing is that I've now been up for about and hour and a half since my last nap, and once again, I'm hungry and tired.

It's almost like comedy. Almost.

Community

What an amazing, wonderful gift it is to be part of a community of woman who are walking the same super-highway of life that Kelly and I find ourselves on. When I lived in Maine, I had community without realizing that I had it. My Mom, my best friend, my dearest friend from college (that's you, Joce...), and all of the other people who made up the background color of my life. There were lots of people.

Then, I moved here. Pretty much, the only community that I had for a very long time was Kelly. We were together, happy, in love and didn't need anyone. As we headed into the process of becoming parents, though, we realized that we needed community and friends. We just didn't realize that what we would find would be this incredible, strong, diverse group of women who bring such warmth and caring into our lives.

Ladies - just so you know, we really do appreciate that you are a part of this journey with us. Having you all as part of my circle has made this place home, and has made this part of my life rich and much more meaningful. I think that I can speak for both of us when I say that we wouldn't be doing as well as we are without you all to share this with. I can only hope that for years to come we will all be blessed to raise our children together and support one another through parenting!

To Be Needed

The funny part about my job is that I'm needed. A lot. All the time. By a lot of people. Usually, I come in 2-3 hours before my start time, just to have a couple of hours to catch up and organize my day and be ready for the contant onslaught of needs and requests for the five people that I support. It's not a problem for me - I'm a very good administrative assistant and I'm paid well to do my job. I even enjoy it most of the time.

But this morning, I was sick and so tired that I had to go back to bed. I got up 4 AM (per my usual routine) and by 4:45 had climbed back in bed with the alarm reset for 7 AM. There was just no way that I could keep my eyes open. By the time I got to work (only 15 minutes later than my scheduled time in the office), the folks I support were certain something horrible had happened and that I wasn't coming in.

When I got here, I fielded a bunch of questions. "How are you feeling?" "Where were you?" "Are you doing okay?" I assured everyone that I was fine, and was just about to answer their questions when I realized that they didn't really care about how I was feeling. What they cared about was that I wasn't here exactly when they needed me.

More importantly, I get this feeling that everyone is watching me with slight suspicion. They are all wondering if my energy level, my willingness and ability to work at 150 miles per hour for 10 hours a day, and my constant smile will falter now that I'm carrying a child.

I have managed to keep up the illusion thus far. The work load isn't so terrible, and as I've mentioned, I'm good at my job. I'm blessed with an amazing partner who has picked up the household duties and is carrying them like a champion. I come home to cooked meals and a lap to rest my head on and fall sound asleep. So right now, work can get what little energy I have left after making a baby.

But I laugh to myself while I rub my tummy in my down time. This won't always be the case. As our baby gets bigger, and my energy level decreases more, work will get less of me. I chuckle at their pointed questions, because at some point, they will realize that I'm human, as opposed to a bionic super-assistant.

And in the end, nothing is more important to me than the little life inside of me. Nothing.

Sleep

It's truly amazing how much sleep my body is demanding these days. I go to bed around 8:30, am up again at 4 AM, but I sleep the entire bus ride into work. Then, I sleep the entire bus ride home from work. Then I get home, eat dinner and want to go right back to sleep again. Amazing.

I'm one of those people who before pregnancy could sleep 5-6 hours a night and be perfectly fine. Not so anymore...

The morning sickness seems to be stablizing a bit. It's very managable with the proper food, so as long as I pay attention to my body and don't let work keep me from eating, I do alright.

I'm starting to get the hang of this pregnancy thing...

A Yolk Sac

This morning, we saw our yolk sac. After all that has happened, we (and Dr. Sacks) were very happy to see a perfect yolk sac in my uterus, exactly as it should be. It seems that whatever weirdness there was in the beginning, it's gone now.

It was really exciting to see it on the monitor. What a strange, and wonderful, thing to be carrying around a little itty bitty life inside of me.

Next week, we'll see and hear the heartbeat for the first time. I'm very much looking forward to it!

Morning sickness has taken hold. I can control most of it with proper eating at the right times, but the general, overall queasiness just doesn't go away. However, in comparison to how bad it could be, I'm counting my blessings.

Large...and In Love

I love being pregnant. Let me just start out by saying that. I'm glad that we're doing this, and all the drama and pain and frusteration that goes along with it are worth every second. So, I love being pregnant.

What I don't love is being a plus-sized pregnant woman. Do you know that that Target, Walmart, Kohls, Sears, Lane Bryant, and Old Navy only have maternity closes for women who start out below a size 16? Apparently, if you're a larger woman you're not supposed to be pregnant. Or maybe the assumption is that if you're a larger woman, all you're going to do is sit around and eat and watch TV and get even larger.

Well, this plus-sized pregnant lady has a lot to do, and TV isn't one of them. I have to work and continue my life, even as my belly (and boobs, and probably hips and butt) expand. It's not pretty, but it's reality.

So...thank goodness for Motherhood Maternity. Not only do they have a super-large collection of plus-sized maternity clothes online, but they also have a relatively nice selection in their brick and mortar stores. I was able to go to their store and walk away with two pairs of work pants, a pair of jeans, some pregnancy panties and a couple of bras. There were plenty of shirts (although we didn't buy any yet) and even plus-sized pajamas. Ahhh...finally - a place that recognizes that larger women do get pregnant and that even we need some clothes to bring us through those larger months.

Let me just pause for a minue and give some props to my partner. Never in my life have I been so taken care of, so loved and felt so protected. Kelly is attentive, interested in all not-so-pretty parts of what is happening to me, willing to love me through the crabby moments and in general has just stepped up to make this transition into pregnancy easy for me. There are people in this world who truly rise to the challenge when it's presented to them, and my partner is one of them. So - three cheers for my Kelly. And thank you, honey, for being my very best friend and strongest support through this. I love you.

Greetings from Maine

If you ever wonder what it is that I'm thinking about when I'm staring off into space, the answer is this wonderful, wonderful place called Maine. I love this state. I love the people, the air, the energy, the flowers, the ocean, the temperature, the easy going nature of it all, the good fish that I can eat here, my historical connection to this place.

Most of all, though, I love that as soon as I cross that big green bridge my shoulders relax and it seems that my 150 mile per hour life just gets to slow right down to about 45 miles per hour. It seems that when I'm here, I can breathe. I can stop for just a little bit and actually take some time to put the things around me into perspective.

Of course, that is because my real life doesn't happen here. If it did, Maine would just be the state where I lived. But because I don't live here anymore, Maine has become my mystical get-away-from-it-all place. This is where I decompress.

I love this state.

Working on No Sleep

Last night was officially the worst night of "rest" I've ever had. After successfully falling asleep early (think 8:30), I woke up at 1:30 in the morning ready to start my day. Honestly, I was wide awake. I did everything I could to get comfortable and go back to sleep, but nothing worked. After about a half hour of rolling around and being generally annoyed, I realized that I was starving. I just gave up and hauled my sorry self out of bed. I went downstairs (to the delight of the cats, I might add) and had some of dinner's leftovers. Then I watched a really cool show about Africa on PBS. At about 3 AM, I finally crawled back upstairs and into bed. I laid for a while, finally falling asleep around 4 AM.

At 4:30 AM my alarm went off. Not pretty for a girl who can't drink coffee by the bucketfuls anymore.

See the problem is that my body is just generally uncomfortable. I'm not sick. I'm not nauseated. I'm not even really all that moody (or at least, not as bad as I could be). You know when you have to stretch how your muscles feel? And then you stretch and it feels all better? Well my legs and hips feel like they need to be stretched all the time. And after I stretch them, they still feel like the need to be stretched. So, I'll lay down and get comfortable and then my body starts to ache. So, I'll stretch out and move around and just start to drift off, and then my body gets uncomfortable. So, then I'll roll over and stretch out, get comfy and start to drift off and my body gets uncomfortable. And then...well you get the point. Not pretty.

I guess this is all a part of it. The good news is that I can function pretty well on minimal sleep. Which I think will help me in the coming years...

:-) Mikki