Rational

Inside, where many people never really god, I'm not very rational. The definition of rational is "having or exercising reason, sound judgment, or good sense." Inside my head, within my truest desires, this is me. I don't want to do what's right, I don't want to put aside my desire for what is responsible. I hate having to make choices and I especially hate it when I have to make a choice that goes against what I would choose if there were never any negative repercussions. I think that makes an irrational person - inside at least.

I think most people would look at the life that Kelly and I've created and see two VERY rational people. We do what we need to do to make the world around us look and feel like what we've always dreamed about. That meant we both made it through school, even though we both hated every second (alright, not EVERY second...but most of them). We plugged away with our noses to the grindstone in order to buy our little house where we could raise our family. We've made many decisions together and seperately that we really wouldn't have made if consequences had no meaning.

Which is why I'm not going to interview for that perfect job that I was talking about earlier this week. The irrational thing to do would be to believe that me - two months pregnant today - could handle a brand new position where I'd be on my feet all day long, working with high energy high school students for 20K a year LESS than what I make now, with less flexibility, fewer (and worse) benefits and only 4 weeks of barely-paid maternity leave. I'd be walking away from my job, that I really don't like, sure. BUT, I'd be leaving behind a desk job that I'm very good at. Money that I really do need to be making. A fantastic benefits package. Flexibility out the wazoo and all kinds of paid maternity leave.

It just doesn't make sense. If the job had a better salary, maybe I'd consider it. But it doesn't, so I can't.

And all this rational decision making is because we're choosing to have a child and I honestly believe my needs no longer come first. So...here is sit. At my desk. Resigned.

And I'm not unhappy. Just resigned to remaining the rational person that I am on the outside.