Well, it's officially. My tummy has officially gotten in the way of our oldest "child" Pitter. When I moved in with Kelly, her oldest cat claimed me as her own. She crawls up on my chest, buries her head in my neck and is perfectly contented to stay right there. And I love her there - I've got no problems.
However, it seems that my ever-expanding tummy has gotten in her way. Last night, she paced all around my lap, trying to climb up to where she wanted to be, doing everything in her power to get me to fix it, and still was unsatified with the result.
Poor, poor Pitter. Just wait until she starts to feel the baby kick her when she's on my tummy. That ought to be quite humerous!
Kelly and I are looking forward to another long weekend. Super-long for her. It seems that the government will close for the funeral of President Ford on Tuesday, leaving her with another four day weekend. Conveniently, the border for the baby's room arrived yesterday. I can already feel a LONG weekend at Lowes (Home Depot, maybe?) picking out paint colors and the lovely, lovely sound of tape being ripped of the roll. LOL - don't get me wrong, I love it that she'll have a project. I'm going to clean while she paints, tapes and becomes a whirling dirvish of baby-room maker. BUT...it never works out very well for me. I lose my honey to her project.
Sigh. It's all for the cause. Maybe I'll join her for a while painting. Except that I hate to paint. I generally hate to do anything that is not domestic. And, while I get that painting to some is domestic, to me it is NOT! LOL!
Ah well. I'm looking forward to stroking her ego for a job very well done, bringing her fresh cold water and preparing her meals. Now THAT I am good at....LOL!
Happy New Year, everyone!
12/29/2006
12/28/2006
IT HAPPENED!
Last night, while laying in bed, Kelly felt the baby kick twice!!! The baby was very, very active immediately after I laid down. I squirmed over to Kelly and she put her hand on my belly and kind of poked me a bit. Then she just left her hand there, and she felt the baby! I felt the kick and then a few seconds later, I said "did you feel that?? The baby is right under your hand!" She was surprised, and said "That was the baby???." LOL! It was very faint to her. Not to me, though...
Then the baby kicked again, just to be sure that Kelly didn't second guess herself.
It was VERY exciting for both of us. I've been feeling her/him move for a while now, but this is the first time for my honey! I was so happy, I nearly cried.
Kelly was just astounded. And moved. And excited. It was amazing...
Now...if only the baby was ready to come out and play with us! LOL!
Then the baby kicked again, just to be sure that Kelly didn't second guess herself.
It was VERY exciting for both of us. I've been feeling her/him move for a while now, but this is the first time for my honey! I was so happy, I nearly cried.
Kelly was just astounded. And moved. And excited. It was amazing...
Now...if only the baby was ready to come out and play with us! LOL!
12/27/2006
And just like that...
...it's over!
Christmas was wonderful. Over the weekend we traveled, saw family, exchanged gifts (I got everything I wanted and a bunch of stuff I wanted, but didn't remember that I wanted...I love my wife!). The actual day of Christmas was exactly as we want it to be - calm, peaceful and fun. Yesterday (the 26th), we took down the tree and put Christmas away.
I must say, no matter how much I LOVE this holiday (and by now, I'm sure you have no doubt how much), I truly love putting it away when it's over. My house feels clean and simple again. The drama of the holiday is over and we are back to normal.
Now it's time to focus on the baby's nursery. With some of our Christmas money, we went out and purchased the border for the nursery. Next weekend, we'll spend a significant amount of time in Lowe's - selecting our chairboard, our paint colors and purchasing all the little "home improvement" things that we'll need to turn the baby's room into a bright, colorful wonderland of sleep and fun! We are considering the possibility of the floor - do we replace the carpet or just have it professionally steam cleaned? We can't decided. Price will be the biggest factor.
It's gonna be a big job, but we want to get started on it so that it's finished before I am too big to really enjoy working in there.
Our Little Honey spent a good part of the weekend making him/herself known to me. I was kicked a good many times, and woken up Christmas morning by some powerful kicks right to my full bladder. As miserable as it is sometimes, I absolutely LOVE being able to feel the baby move. I just can't wait for Kelly to feel him or her as well.
The general thought from family/friends/coworkers is that I'm having a boy. We didn't find out, so we don't know. Both Kelly and I have wavered from our original stance that we thought I was carrying a boy (we've both had dreams recently about a girl baby being born). Only one friend of ours has said that she thinks we are having a girl. LOL - the baby's Nana (Kelly's mom) is so convinced that it's a boy that she addresses my belly as "Connor", our chosen name if a boy is born.
It's fun to listen as people use their old wives tales and previous pregnancy knowledge to predict gender. I find it interesting and sweet. I have very little preference. The next child, I will want to find out, because I'm set on having a girl child at some point. But for this one (because we know another is in the future), it doesn't matter. Kelly honestly doesn't have a preference. I've never known someone who really doesn't care - but she really doesn't. Amazing...
So...we are 16 weeks away from being considered full term (at 38 weeks). I am SOOO excited about how much closer we feel. We have another ultrasound on the 9th of January. I can't wait to see our baby again...
Christmas was wonderful. Over the weekend we traveled, saw family, exchanged gifts (I got everything I wanted and a bunch of stuff I wanted, but didn't remember that I wanted...I love my wife!). The actual day of Christmas was exactly as we want it to be - calm, peaceful and fun. Yesterday (the 26th), we took down the tree and put Christmas away.
I must say, no matter how much I LOVE this holiday (and by now, I'm sure you have no doubt how much), I truly love putting it away when it's over. My house feels clean and simple again. The drama of the holiday is over and we are back to normal.
Now it's time to focus on the baby's nursery. With some of our Christmas money, we went out and purchased the border for the nursery. Next weekend, we'll spend a significant amount of time in Lowe's - selecting our chairboard, our paint colors and purchasing all the little "home improvement" things that we'll need to turn the baby's room into a bright, colorful wonderland of sleep and fun! We are considering the possibility of the floor - do we replace the carpet or just have it professionally steam cleaned? We can't decided. Price will be the biggest factor.
It's gonna be a big job, but we want to get started on it so that it's finished before I am too big to really enjoy working in there.
Our Little Honey spent a good part of the weekend making him/herself known to me. I was kicked a good many times, and woken up Christmas morning by some powerful kicks right to my full bladder. As miserable as it is sometimes, I absolutely LOVE being able to feel the baby move. I just can't wait for Kelly to feel him or her as well.
The general thought from family/friends/coworkers is that I'm having a boy. We didn't find out, so we don't know. Both Kelly and I have wavered from our original stance that we thought I was carrying a boy (we've both had dreams recently about a girl baby being born). Only one friend of ours has said that she thinks we are having a girl. LOL - the baby's Nana (Kelly's mom) is so convinced that it's a boy that she addresses my belly as "Connor", our chosen name if a boy is born.
It's fun to listen as people use their old wives tales and previous pregnancy knowledge to predict gender. I find it interesting and sweet. I have very little preference. The next child, I will want to find out, because I'm set on having a girl child at some point. But for this one (because we know another is in the future), it doesn't matter. Kelly honestly doesn't have a preference. I've never known someone who really doesn't care - but she really doesn't. Amazing...
So...we are 16 weeks away from being considered full term (at 38 weeks). I am SOOO excited about how much closer we feel. We have another ultrasound on the 9th of January. I can't wait to see our baby again...
12/22/2006
Last Day
Today is my last official day of work before the holiday! My workplace is gracious enough to give us Christmas Eve off in addition to Christmas Day. But because Christmas Eve is on a Sunday, we get the Tuesday after Christmas off as well. SOOOO...a nice, long 4-day weekend is in store for my honey and me.
Here's the basic plan: tonight, we pack. And sleep. And enjoy that freedom feeling that you always get when you are right at the start of a long weekend and there is very little left to do. (I made our final trip to Walmart this morning at 6:30 AM in order to save my sanity tonight and avoid the crowd). Tomorrow morning we will rise, eat breakfast and hit the road towards West Virginia. We'll probably stop and try to see some people along the way (Tiffany, Steph - any plans tomorrow around noon or so???). Then off to my sister-in-law's home. We'll spend the afternoon there, and then I'm going to try to talk everyone into heading out to On the Border for some good pretend-mexican food. We might also stop by my mother-in-law's home and help her get ready for the party that she is hosting tomorrow. No need for her to do it all on her own when we can pitch in and help out! Saturday night will be spent in a hotel...
Sunday morning will come and we'll head over to my sister-in-law's early for Christmas Eve morning with Kelly's nephew. I'm a little sad that we won't be there first thing - for the last couple of years, Josh and I have gotten up really early together (my favorite time for any Christmas celebration). But Josh is a teenager now, and I'm not sure that he's still into it. Remember when you grew out of it? (I don't remember, because I never did...LOL!). After that, I hope to spend some quality time with Kelly's grandparents, and again offer our assistant to Kelly's mom getting ready for the party.
After the party (think lots of family and pizza!!!), we'll be headed home. Christmas Eve will find us sitting by our tree (wishing we could drink LOTS of red wine) and trying to wait till Christmas morning to open presents. We'll probably end up in bed early...and up again early on Christmas morning. After the round of phone calls to my family, we'll spend the rest of the day hanging out in our PJ's and enjoying the gifts that Santa brought. Hopefully a couple of our neighboors will stop by. I'm going to make a small dinner of sorts for us.
It will be a quiet, peaceful and relaxing holiday.
Let me be the first to say that I CAN NOT wait until we have little kids running around. The only reason that I would ever brave a third pregnancy would be to have more children running around on Christmas morning (among other things). We are going to create so many traditions and memories around the holidays. There is so much that I am going to do during this time of the year. I can't wait.
So...we'll enjoy this last year as childless people. Next year...let the games begin!
Here's the basic plan: tonight, we pack. And sleep. And enjoy that freedom feeling that you always get when you are right at the start of a long weekend and there is very little left to do. (I made our final trip to Walmart this morning at 6:30 AM in order to save my sanity tonight and avoid the crowd). Tomorrow morning we will rise, eat breakfast and hit the road towards West Virginia. We'll probably stop and try to see some people along the way (Tiffany, Steph - any plans tomorrow around noon or so???). Then off to my sister-in-law's home. We'll spend the afternoon there, and then I'm going to try to talk everyone into heading out to On the Border for some good pretend-mexican food. We might also stop by my mother-in-law's home and help her get ready for the party that she is hosting tomorrow. No need for her to do it all on her own when we can pitch in and help out! Saturday night will be spent in a hotel...
Sunday morning will come and we'll head over to my sister-in-law's early for Christmas Eve morning with Kelly's nephew. I'm a little sad that we won't be there first thing - for the last couple of years, Josh and I have gotten up really early together (my favorite time for any Christmas celebration). But Josh is a teenager now, and I'm not sure that he's still into it. Remember when you grew out of it? (I don't remember, because I never did...LOL!). After that, I hope to spend some quality time with Kelly's grandparents, and again offer our assistant to Kelly's mom getting ready for the party.
After the party (think lots of family and pizza!!!), we'll be headed home. Christmas Eve will find us sitting by our tree (wishing we could drink LOTS of red wine) and trying to wait till Christmas morning to open presents. We'll probably end up in bed early...and up again early on Christmas morning. After the round of phone calls to my family, we'll spend the rest of the day hanging out in our PJ's and enjoying the gifts that Santa brought. Hopefully a couple of our neighboors will stop by. I'm going to make a small dinner of sorts for us.
It will be a quiet, peaceful and relaxing holiday.
Let me be the first to say that I CAN NOT wait until we have little kids running around. The only reason that I would ever brave a third pregnancy would be to have more children running around on Christmas morning (among other things). We are going to create so many traditions and memories around the holidays. There is so much that I am going to do during this time of the year. I can't wait.
So...we'll enjoy this last year as childless people. Next year...let the games begin!
12/21/2006
Christmas Tree!
Here is our lovely Christmas tree, and another shot of us sitting in front of it. (Kelly figured out the timer thing...LOL!)
21 Week Baby Bump
Okay - so this is actually me at 21 weeks and 1 day...but close enough!
It's AMAZING how much I've grown in only two weeks!!!! No wonder I'm so tired all the time...
Positively Chipper
Amazingly, I have come through my round of the "tummy sickness" and feel positively wonderful! I actually feel happy, comfortable and in no way weird. My head doesn't hurt, I'm not too hungry, I don't have to use the rest room, I'm not tired, my belly is not wierd or upset, I have seemingly boundless energy.
It's already 8:15 in the morning and I've been up since 4 AM. I've been at work since 6:45 AM. No one else is here and four of my six co-workers are out until the new year. I've not seen the other two yet, and if this trend holds, I'm going to have a SERIOUSLY productive day today and tomorrow (and for the three days I'm in next week).
THIS is what Mikki feels like. I LOVE it that I have this much energy right now. I love it that I'm not feeling "pregnant". God, I live for these days. It seems like just when I catch my breath, I'm kicked back down. I keep waiting for it to let up (as everyone seems to think it will), but so far, I've not been that lucky. I will do everything I can to harness the good energy that is being created right now and let it carry me forward. Hopefully it will stick. And if it doesn't, hopefully I will remember what it feels like when I'm feeling bad.
I'm so full of love and happiness today. Last night, Kelly read my mind. I was feeling all bluesy and sad. Very self-destructive feelings for me. I was hating myself for being so "weak" and for not being able to handle pregnancy like my mother and my grandmother before me. I was feeling sad about my family being so far away for the holidays when I had pictured a very different event. I was feeling like a slacker for missing another day of work. I was generally feeling shitty.
But, Kelly always knows what I need. She really does. It's not like I tell her, she just figures it out. She cuddled me all night last night. We sat on the couch, our limbs entwined just talking, laughing, kissing and being close. She knows just how to touch my very soul and bring me back to a happy place. The most safe, most comfortable place that I know is in her arms. When I need to be reminded that I'm good enough to be loved, and that I'm making okay choices and that it's okay for me to be less than perfect, she is who reminds me. With her easy love and her seemingly endless stores of comfort, she makes everything okay.
So, I slept well after that. I woke up this morning feeling good. I'm incredibly excited about the holidays approaching. I'm looking forward to spending another holiday with the in-laws. I love the drive (hours spent singing with my Kelly and talking about the random things that pop into our heads).
All is well today.
It's already 8:15 in the morning and I've been up since 4 AM. I've been at work since 6:45 AM. No one else is here and four of my six co-workers are out until the new year. I've not seen the other two yet, and if this trend holds, I'm going to have a SERIOUSLY productive day today and tomorrow (and for the three days I'm in next week).
THIS is what Mikki feels like. I LOVE it that I have this much energy right now. I love it that I'm not feeling "pregnant". God, I live for these days. It seems like just when I catch my breath, I'm kicked back down. I keep waiting for it to let up (as everyone seems to think it will), but so far, I've not been that lucky. I will do everything I can to harness the good energy that is being created right now and let it carry me forward. Hopefully it will stick. And if it doesn't, hopefully I will remember what it feels like when I'm feeling bad.
I'm so full of love and happiness today. Last night, Kelly read my mind. I was feeling all bluesy and sad. Very self-destructive feelings for me. I was hating myself for being so "weak" and for not being able to handle pregnancy like my mother and my grandmother before me. I was feeling sad about my family being so far away for the holidays when I had pictured a very different event. I was feeling like a slacker for missing another day of work. I was generally feeling shitty.
But, Kelly always knows what I need. She really does. It's not like I tell her, she just figures it out. She cuddled me all night last night. We sat on the couch, our limbs entwined just talking, laughing, kissing and being close. She knows just how to touch my very soul and bring me back to a happy place. The most safe, most comfortable place that I know is in her arms. When I need to be reminded that I'm good enough to be loved, and that I'm making okay choices and that it's okay for me to be less than perfect, she is who reminds me. With her easy love and her seemingly endless stores of comfort, she makes everything okay.
So, I slept well after that. I woke up this morning feeling good. I'm incredibly excited about the holidays approaching. I'm looking forward to spending another holiday with the in-laws. I love the drive (hours spent singing with my Kelly and talking about the random things that pop into our heads).
All is well today.
12/20/2006
"Feeling it accutely"
So, this morning I woke up to a very weird belly and a distinct inability to keep anything in my belly. It goes in my mouth and then comes right back out a few minutes later from another place. Not pretty. I'm at home today. The bitch of it all is that I feel okay - I'm not feeling sick, but I can't eat. And when I do it's not good.
And because I'm pregnant, I have to eat. So. There you have it.
I called my doctor just to let them know that I've been sick a lot lately. Nothing major - no major fevers, no major loss of body fluids (until today), nothing really to worry about. Just constantly unwell. The response I got back was a question. They asked how I felt before I was pregnant - how often was I sick, etc? I explained that I was very rarely ill and almost never had problems with feeling tired or worn out. Then, they told me that I was probably just feeling the normal pains and discomforts of pregnancy accutely - because of the contrast to my usual good health. The additional weight isn't helping either. And I'm not really enjoying healthy food lately. I try - but when I have to choke down food to feed my appetite, it's hard for me to pick the "leafy greens".
But, I'm going to try harder. Perhaps I just need to invade my body with nothing but good health and some excersise. While things are so slow at work, I'll use my lunch break and walk for a bit.
What I do know is that once this child is born, I am getting back to my usual healthy self. Honestly, I don't care about my weight so much. I was always able to do whatever I want. I was extremely flexible, had a high endurance for excersise and ate well. Whether I weight 140 or 230 while those things are true is irrelevant...as long as those thing remain true. Right now, they are not. When this is over, I'm getting back to me. I figure, I'll have about two months to really focus on it while I'm home with the baby...and then I'll keep it up with our gym at work.
I'm tired of feeling like I have a parasite eating at me.
And because I'm pregnant, I have to eat. So. There you have it.
I called my doctor just to let them know that I've been sick a lot lately. Nothing major - no major fevers, no major loss of body fluids (until today), nothing really to worry about. Just constantly unwell. The response I got back was a question. They asked how I felt before I was pregnant - how often was I sick, etc? I explained that I was very rarely ill and almost never had problems with feeling tired or worn out. Then, they told me that I was probably just feeling the normal pains and discomforts of pregnancy accutely - because of the contrast to my usual good health. The additional weight isn't helping either. And I'm not really enjoying healthy food lately. I try - but when I have to choke down food to feed my appetite, it's hard for me to pick the "leafy greens".
But, I'm going to try harder. Perhaps I just need to invade my body with nothing but good health and some excersise. While things are so slow at work, I'll use my lunch break and walk for a bit.
What I do know is that once this child is born, I am getting back to my usual healthy self. Honestly, I don't care about my weight so much. I was always able to do whatever I want. I was extremely flexible, had a high endurance for excersise and ate well. Whether I weight 140 or 230 while those things are true is irrelevant...as long as those thing remain true. Right now, they are not. When this is over, I'm getting back to me. I figure, I'll have about two months to really focus on it while I'm home with the baby...and then I'll keep it up with our gym at work.
I'm tired of feeling like I have a parasite eating at me.
12/19/2006
Sickness Has Struck
Amazingly enough, this time it's NOT me. My honey is at home right now, hopefully still sleeping, with a very, very sore throat. She's been fighting illness for a couple of days now, and it appears that she has lost the battle. I wish that I could skip work and just take care of her. I hate it when she's sick and I'm not at home. BUT, she's a big girl and will be just fine. Besides, BooBoo will be very happy to sit on her lap and keep her warm.
All else is going as usual. The baby is fine - nothing new. I'm feeling the movement more and more, though, and that's cool. I can't wait for Kelly to feel the baby. That's the next "big" milestone for me...
Christmas is coming...soon. I can't wait! There are lots of little surprises under our tree and more to come. Santa always comes to our house, and he brings lots and lots of goodies!
Okay - off to the races for another day!
All else is going as usual. The baby is fine - nothing new. I'm feeling the movement more and more, though, and that's cool. I can't wait for Kelly to feel the baby. That's the next "big" milestone for me...
Christmas is coming...soon. I can't wait! There are lots of little surprises under our tree and more to come. Santa always comes to our house, and he brings lots and lots of goodies!
Okay - off to the races for another day!
12/18/2006
I love this...
...or not. Sigh. It was another longish weekend. We had a wonderful time on Saturday evening and Sunday morning with Kelly's mom and stepdad. It was nice to have company, and they brought us something. I can't say anything more because we promised...but I will elaborate as soon as I can.
After they left, I realized that I was feeling like hell. I spent two hours on the couch watching old episodes of Queer as Folk and then went upstairs to shower. After showering, I fell asleep for a little bit. Then, back downstairs. I finally found some energy around 5:30 last night...but was still in bed by 8 PM.
I wonder if I will ever feel like myself again.
By all accounts, the baby is growing as s/he should. My belly gets more and more swollen by the day. I swear that I grow overnight. It's amazing. When I sit down, my belly button doesn't hide anymore. This probably is a new concept for those of you who are thin, but if you're a larger person, you know what I mean. My belly button has taken on a whole new look, too. It's interesting. Overall, I'm round and obviously pregnant. My belly doesn't ever fade into the background anymore, and I only have five work shirts that still fit. After the holiday, Kelly and I are going to hit some sales and get some new shirts for me. Ugg. I hate shopping. Actually, I loathe it. I'd rather be beaten with a spiked belt (yes, I really hate it that bad).
I find that I can't keep my hands off my belly these days. Ever since the 20 week ultrasound, I find that I'm drawn to the baby. I want to touch him or her all the time. It's funny because I almost feel as though the baby needs the comfort...when I understand that it's really me who needs it. I also want Kelly to touch the baby more and more. She's spent more time with her hands on my belly, talking to our child and enjoying the roundness of my tummy. It's new...and it's really cool. It's almost like active parenting - we are engaged with the little life inside of me. We need to start expanding our children's book collection - so that we can read to the little honey. And I should probably start listening to "lighter" music. I"m still prone to crank up the hip hop station and dance while I drive. LOL - our little honey is going to come out rocking...
Not much more to report. I'll write again tomorrow...
After they left, I realized that I was feeling like hell. I spent two hours on the couch watching old episodes of Queer as Folk and then went upstairs to shower. After showering, I fell asleep for a little bit. Then, back downstairs. I finally found some energy around 5:30 last night...but was still in bed by 8 PM.
I wonder if I will ever feel like myself again.
By all accounts, the baby is growing as s/he should. My belly gets more and more swollen by the day. I swear that I grow overnight. It's amazing. When I sit down, my belly button doesn't hide anymore. This probably is a new concept for those of you who are thin, but if you're a larger person, you know what I mean. My belly button has taken on a whole new look, too. It's interesting. Overall, I'm round and obviously pregnant. My belly doesn't ever fade into the background anymore, and I only have five work shirts that still fit. After the holiday, Kelly and I are going to hit some sales and get some new shirts for me. Ugg. I hate shopping. Actually, I loathe it. I'd rather be beaten with a spiked belt (yes, I really hate it that bad).
I find that I can't keep my hands off my belly these days. Ever since the 20 week ultrasound, I find that I'm drawn to the baby. I want to touch him or her all the time. It's funny because I almost feel as though the baby needs the comfort...when I understand that it's really me who needs it. I also want Kelly to touch the baby more and more. She's spent more time with her hands on my belly, talking to our child and enjoying the roundness of my tummy. It's new...and it's really cool. It's almost like active parenting - we are engaged with the little life inside of me. We need to start expanding our children's book collection - so that we can read to the little honey. And I should probably start listening to "lighter" music. I"m still prone to crank up the hip hop station and dance while I drive. LOL - our little honey is going to come out rocking...
Not much more to report. I'll write again tomorrow...
12/15/2006
One more thing...
There are no pictures to post today because our scanner at home is being a bitch. I have to figure it out. Rather than deal with that last night (and end up throwing it out the window), I thought I would wait until this weekend...
And...I gained 4 pounds in this last month. So far, total weight gain = 4 pounds!
And...I gained 4 pounds in this last month. So far, total weight gain = 4 pounds!
It all cycles back
Kelly and I were talking last night about how it seems like everything has kind of cycled back to a good spot for us.
At the beginning of this year, I was really struggling. I had had this horrible experience with a co-worker at my previous job that ended in me leaving an organization that I truly loved. I had spent the holidays trying not to worry about not being employed (nobody hires during the holidays). After the New Year, I really got down to business interviewing and eventually took the job that I currently hold. Needless to say, the transition back into the world of a big, corporate law firm after having been at a small, intense non-profit was painful and very, very hard for me. I think that is when I started to really get depressed. It was right around the middle of January when we started taking our Maybe Baby class. The world of children was all around us, but still right out of our reach. We didn't own a home yet. So we got busy, and bought a house in April. We increased our commute by about double, but we loved our house.
The problem was that even though we made all the "right" choices, nothing was working for me. I hated my job. I hated the commute. I resented Kelly for really loving her work while I was barely keeping my head above water. I had some pretty intense (and un-dealt with) anger toward the person who had caused me to have to leave my previous job. I felt locked into a world that I had helped create (we purchased our house on the assumption of my income NOT changing). I couldn't get out of it. I was trapped in this job, in a long-ass commute and I was completely devestated by all of this.
It really wasn't until later that I realized just how depressed I was during that period. I think that my Mom knew, and perhaps my bestest friend A knew. Kelly definately knew. But I didn't. I was superwoman, remember?
Then one day, Kelly suggested that we stop waiting for that elusive "perfect" time to start our family. She took an emotional plunge into some pretty deep water to come find her lost honey who was sinking into a very, very dark place. She gave me the one thing that could have brought me out of my depression. She gave me the answer to my unanswerable question of "why?" Why had we bought a house? Why was I dealing with a 2 1/2 to 3 hour commute every day? Why did I feel so trapped? What was the point of it all?
We started the process right away. And it seemed to fall into place right away. It was almost as if the universe (some may call it God) stepped in and took care of things. We found the perfect donor quickly. We figured out our cycle the first time (thank you, O). We inseminated at the right time, and we got pregnant on our first try. Our little honey came through and we have made it to 20 weeks - where the chances are much, much lower of us having problems. All signs point to a healthy child in approximately 18-22 weeks.
Additionally, my job has come a full 180 degrees. I started out miserable here, but I've found my niche. I'm good at what I am doing, and I have been ripely rewarded. My boss adores me. I've really become her shining star. And it's not so much that I'm rocking my job, as it is that my job is rocking me. I got promoted and my new position is a brand new position in a brand new department. There is endless room to grow and develop professionally. And it is a professional position. I'm not an assistant. I'm going to get to establish much needed procedures and organizational techniques that will make the department run smoother. It's challenging for me, and I love it. I love to feel like I'm doing well, and I love to feel like my work has some meaning.
What an amazing year this has been. Together, my wife and I have built a life that we are in love with. We sat on the couch last night and thought about how far we had come. I realized as I was sitting there last night that there are so many factors I cannot control. I'll never know if the next decision I make will be a good one, or a horrible one. I'll never know how my spirit will react, or how I'll adjust.
But what I do know is that no matter how dark my world gets, Kelly will always be there to pull me back into the light. I know that for the rest of my life, I am going to be someone's Mamma. I know that I am strong enough to get through anything. And I know that when I put that all together, I'm going to be okay.
It's been a long year. I'm sure you'll all get it when I say that I hope next year is a little less eventful...LOL!
At the beginning of this year, I was really struggling. I had had this horrible experience with a co-worker at my previous job that ended in me leaving an organization that I truly loved. I had spent the holidays trying not to worry about not being employed (nobody hires during the holidays). After the New Year, I really got down to business interviewing and eventually took the job that I currently hold. Needless to say, the transition back into the world of a big, corporate law firm after having been at a small, intense non-profit was painful and very, very hard for me. I think that is when I started to really get depressed. It was right around the middle of January when we started taking our Maybe Baby class. The world of children was all around us, but still right out of our reach. We didn't own a home yet. So we got busy, and bought a house in April. We increased our commute by about double, but we loved our house.
The problem was that even though we made all the "right" choices, nothing was working for me. I hated my job. I hated the commute. I resented Kelly for really loving her work while I was barely keeping my head above water. I had some pretty intense (and un-dealt with) anger toward the person who had caused me to have to leave my previous job. I felt locked into a world that I had helped create (we purchased our house on the assumption of my income NOT changing). I couldn't get out of it. I was trapped in this job, in a long-ass commute and I was completely devestated by all of this.
It really wasn't until later that I realized just how depressed I was during that period. I think that my Mom knew, and perhaps my bestest friend A knew. Kelly definately knew. But I didn't. I was superwoman, remember?
Then one day, Kelly suggested that we stop waiting for that elusive "perfect" time to start our family. She took an emotional plunge into some pretty deep water to come find her lost honey who was sinking into a very, very dark place. She gave me the one thing that could have brought me out of my depression. She gave me the answer to my unanswerable question of "why?" Why had we bought a house? Why was I dealing with a 2 1/2 to 3 hour commute every day? Why did I feel so trapped? What was the point of it all?
We started the process right away. And it seemed to fall into place right away. It was almost as if the universe (some may call it God) stepped in and took care of things. We found the perfect donor quickly. We figured out our cycle the first time (thank you, O). We inseminated at the right time, and we got pregnant on our first try. Our little honey came through and we have made it to 20 weeks - where the chances are much, much lower of us having problems. All signs point to a healthy child in approximately 18-22 weeks.
Additionally, my job has come a full 180 degrees. I started out miserable here, but I've found my niche. I'm good at what I am doing, and I have been ripely rewarded. My boss adores me. I've really become her shining star. And it's not so much that I'm rocking my job, as it is that my job is rocking me. I got promoted and my new position is a brand new position in a brand new department. There is endless room to grow and develop professionally. And it is a professional position. I'm not an assistant. I'm going to get to establish much needed procedures and organizational techniques that will make the department run smoother. It's challenging for me, and I love it. I love to feel like I'm doing well, and I love to feel like my work has some meaning.
What an amazing year this has been. Together, my wife and I have built a life that we are in love with. We sat on the couch last night and thought about how far we had come. I realized as I was sitting there last night that there are so many factors I cannot control. I'll never know if the next decision I make will be a good one, or a horrible one. I'll never know how my spirit will react, or how I'll adjust.
But what I do know is that no matter how dark my world gets, Kelly will always be there to pull me back into the light. I know that for the rest of my life, I am going to be someone's Mamma. I know that I am strong enough to get through anything. And I know that when I put that all together, I'm going to be okay.
It's been a long year. I'm sure you'll all get it when I say that I hope next year is a little less eventful...LOL!
12/14/2006
Little Miracles
Yesterday was incredible. There are very few other words that describe it, and that doesn't even really come close.
Our first doctors appointment went quickly and smoothly. We listened to the baby's heartbeat (it was loud and strong at 150 beats per minute). We found out that my arm numbness is pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel syndrome (Jill...you were right!). And we were told that no matter how much I, or my job, would like for me to attend a convention in St. Louis during my 7th month of pregnancy, my doctors wouldn't allow it!
After that, it was off to the ultrasound. The big one! There is a little story in there about me and how much fluid I had to drink...but I'm going to let my loving partner embarrass the hell out of me. I'm going to save some of my own pride...LOL!
We got there, though, and waited for about 10 minutes. We finally went in to the room, and our wonderful, wonderful ultrasound technition proceded to spent about an hour showing us our baby and all of our baby's parts. We saw his/her kidneys, bladder, brain, all the bones, the heart - everything. All organs are properly developed for a 20-week old fetus.
The better information, though, is that s/he was moving everywhere! S/he would flip around, kick his/her legs and arms and pretty much make the ultrasound technition's job as difficult as possible. It was so incredibly sweet and endearing. I cried. I couldn't help myself. Kelly just watched in awe, with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen on her face. At one point, at the tech was trying to get a profile shot for us, the baby covered his/her face with both hands. I will post the pictures tomorrow - but it was just as cute as could be. His/her little legs were drawn up (classic fetal position) and s/he covered his/her face with one hand and the side of his/her face with the other. We both laughed out loud.
We either have a shy little honey, or we have a little honey with a big personality!
The entire experience was amazing. The report that was run after all the pictures were taken showed that our little honey weighs about 14 ounces (only two ounces shy of a pound!), and that s/he is about 18 cm longs. They "aged" the fetus at 20 weeks, 6 days, so a little bit older than s/he actually is. The best part is that for all of the baby's moving around, the tech was unable to get one very important shot of the spine and we get to go back for another one...and this time they are going to do a 3-D!!!!!
After that experience, we went to lunch. Kelly really named it best when she said that she felt emotionally drained. That was exactly the feeling. It was so incredible, it was exhausting. We both just sat there at lunch staring at each other, lost in our own thoughts and feelings. I cried a lot. It was an intensely emotional experience for me, and being the hormonal pregnany lady that I am, it caused tears. Kelly tried not to giggle at me, as I stuffed pancakes in my mouth and cried. LOL!
I keep thinking - how amazing it is to love someone so intensely when you've never met them. Other parents tell you about this kind of love, but it's not something you understand until it's your child. And the descriptions from other people are meaningless when you compare them to the actually feelings. What an amazing thing it is.
Pictures will be posted tomorrow...
Our first doctors appointment went quickly and smoothly. We listened to the baby's heartbeat (it was loud and strong at 150 beats per minute). We found out that my arm numbness is pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel syndrome (Jill...you were right!). And we were told that no matter how much I, or my job, would like for me to attend a convention in St. Louis during my 7th month of pregnancy, my doctors wouldn't allow it!
After that, it was off to the ultrasound. The big one! There is a little story in there about me and how much fluid I had to drink...but I'm going to let my loving partner embarrass the hell out of me. I'm going to save some of my own pride...LOL!
We got there, though, and waited for about 10 minutes. We finally went in to the room, and our wonderful, wonderful ultrasound technition proceded to spent about an hour showing us our baby and all of our baby's parts. We saw his/her kidneys, bladder, brain, all the bones, the heart - everything. All organs are properly developed for a 20-week old fetus.
The better information, though, is that s/he was moving everywhere! S/he would flip around, kick his/her legs and arms and pretty much make the ultrasound technition's job as difficult as possible. It was so incredibly sweet and endearing. I cried. I couldn't help myself. Kelly just watched in awe, with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen on her face. At one point, at the tech was trying to get a profile shot for us, the baby covered his/her face with both hands. I will post the pictures tomorrow - but it was just as cute as could be. His/her little legs were drawn up (classic fetal position) and s/he covered his/her face with one hand and the side of his/her face with the other. We both laughed out loud.
We either have a shy little honey, or we have a little honey with a big personality!
The entire experience was amazing. The report that was run after all the pictures were taken showed that our little honey weighs about 14 ounces (only two ounces shy of a pound!), and that s/he is about 18 cm longs. They "aged" the fetus at 20 weeks, 6 days, so a little bit older than s/he actually is. The best part is that for all of the baby's moving around, the tech was unable to get one very important shot of the spine and we get to go back for another one...and this time they are going to do a 3-D!!!!!
After that experience, we went to lunch. Kelly really named it best when she said that she felt emotionally drained. That was exactly the feeling. It was so incredible, it was exhausting. We both just sat there at lunch staring at each other, lost in our own thoughts and feelings. I cried a lot. It was an intensely emotional experience for me, and being the hormonal pregnany lady that I am, it caused tears. Kelly tried not to giggle at me, as I stuffed pancakes in my mouth and cried. LOL!
I keep thinking - how amazing it is to love someone so intensely when you've never met them. Other parents tell you about this kind of love, but it's not something you understand until it's your child. And the descriptions from other people are meaningless when you compare them to the actually feelings. What an amazing thing it is.
Pictures will be posted tomorrow...
12/12/2006
Exhuaustion
What is it, really, that causes me to be so tired? Is it REALLY just that I'm growing a baby? I mean, honestly, I feel like I could fall right over and curl up on the sidewalk and sleep. I'm so tired all the time.
Tomorrow is a BIG HUGE day for us. It all begins in the morning, when I will stalk the line at DMV for my new drivers licence in my new name. After that we are off to our regular doctors appointment (wonder how much weight I've gained...). Then, we will be standing in line at the post office trying to get our holiday packages shipped out. Then, it's off to THE ultrasound. The 20 week! We absolutely cannot wait to see the baby again. Then lunch. Then we will spend the afternoon checking out childcare centers and (hopefully) find a couple we like enough to put ourselves on the waiting list. After that, we travel into the city for dinner with my mom and her co-worker.
It's going to be a long...but very, very exciting...day!
Today, the goal is to stay away long enough to do everything that needs to be done here. Uggg.
Tomorrow is a BIG HUGE day for us. It all begins in the morning, when I will stalk the line at DMV for my new drivers licence in my new name. After that we are off to our regular doctors appointment (wonder how much weight I've gained...). Then, we will be standing in line at the post office trying to get our holiday packages shipped out. Then, it's off to THE ultrasound. The 20 week! We absolutely cannot wait to see the baby again. Then lunch. Then we will spend the afternoon checking out childcare centers and (hopefully) find a couple we like enough to put ourselves on the waiting list. After that, we travel into the city for dinner with my mom and her co-worker.
It's going to be a long...but very, very exciting...day!
Today, the goal is to stay away long enough to do everything that needs to be done here. Uggg.
12/11/2006
Momma Time!
I'm one happy girl today. Tonight, I'm picking my Momma up at the hotel that she will be staying at for the next couple of days (for a convention) and bringing her home with with me! Kelly and I will take her out to dinner (Olive Garden) so that we'll have more time to talk and less time making dinner and cleaning up after.
She's gonna get to see and feel my ever-growing baby bump, our Christmas tree and ME! And I"ll get to give her a big huge hug and smell her (smell is very important, and NOBODY smells like my Momma!).
I can't wait. Now...the only question is how do I get through today????
She's gonna get to see and feel my ever-growing baby bump, our Christmas tree and ME! And I"ll get to give her a big huge hug and smell her (smell is very important, and NOBODY smells like my Momma!).
I can't wait. Now...the only question is how do I get through today????
12/08/2006
Splat
There isn't much to say. I woke up in a great mood this morning after having spent a wonderful night sleeping. I didn't wake up until 3:53 AM (only 7 short minutes before my alarm). Which meant that from 8 PM until that time, I slept deeply and soundly without waking up from numb arms or a full bladder.
Blissful.
Perhaps my body heard my desperate need for some normalcy and granted me one night of good rest.
I'll take it.
I'm really excited about next week. On Wednesday, we have our 20 week ultra sound (we really will be 20 weeks that day!). I'm so excited to see the baby again. I've been feeling him/her more and more. It is still mainly vibration-like feelings in my lower tummy. Strange feelings - kind of like the washing machine is on spin cycle in another part of the house, causing me to vibrate slightly. (I know...I said it was strange). Every now and then I feel something more like a "flutter", although that has been extremely rare. Just last night, though, I felt two pronouced baby kicks. I say baby kicks, because they were small. If I hadn't been nearly asleep, I would have missed them. I was laying on my side, rubbing Kelly's back. I had sort of fallen into her and was laying more on my tummy than my side. The baby tolerated that pretty well for a while, but apparently got tired of his/her space being encroached on because s/he gave a kick right at the part of my belly that was laying against the bed. I immediately rolled off my tummy and giggled. Then, the baby kicked me again - as if to say "Mine, Mamma...mine!". I woke Kelly up! It was very exciting.
Those are the little moments that I'm living for right now. In the sea of a difficult pregnancy, they are the life rafts that pull me from week to week. And, of course, the loving devotion of my Kelly. It amazes me that one person can be so strong for both of us. If I ever hear anyone say that Kelly has never been through pregnancy, I'll knock 'em out. Kelly's been there. She's been through the worst of this shit with me and she's the reason that I can still smile and enjoy some of it. I think that some partners just let their pregnant partner go through it. They are not there every day asking questions, being involved. They don't wake up in the middle of the night just to ask how I'm feeling because I moved around. They don't eat random food (think soy hotdogs and yogurt for dinner) because their partner can't stand the smell of anything. They don't encourage their partners to sleep, "Woman, nap...you need it", in the middle of a Saturday. They don't do all of the little things that have made this tolerable.
I'm very, very lucky. I'm loved by a woman who trusts me with the most important thing we will ever do. I get to carry our child, and I get to bring him or her into this world. And I get to do this with the love of my life, and the Mommy of my children by my side.
Wow.
Blissful.
Perhaps my body heard my desperate need for some normalcy and granted me one night of good rest.
I'll take it.
I'm really excited about next week. On Wednesday, we have our 20 week ultra sound (we really will be 20 weeks that day!). I'm so excited to see the baby again. I've been feeling him/her more and more. It is still mainly vibration-like feelings in my lower tummy. Strange feelings - kind of like the washing machine is on spin cycle in another part of the house, causing me to vibrate slightly. (I know...I said it was strange). Every now and then I feel something more like a "flutter", although that has been extremely rare. Just last night, though, I felt two pronouced baby kicks. I say baby kicks, because they were small. If I hadn't been nearly asleep, I would have missed them. I was laying on my side, rubbing Kelly's back. I had sort of fallen into her and was laying more on my tummy than my side. The baby tolerated that pretty well for a while, but apparently got tired of his/her space being encroached on because s/he gave a kick right at the part of my belly that was laying against the bed. I immediately rolled off my tummy and giggled. Then, the baby kicked me again - as if to say "Mine, Mamma...mine!". I woke Kelly up! It was very exciting.
Those are the little moments that I'm living for right now. In the sea of a difficult pregnancy, they are the life rafts that pull me from week to week. And, of course, the loving devotion of my Kelly. It amazes me that one person can be so strong for both of us. If I ever hear anyone say that Kelly has never been through pregnancy, I'll knock 'em out. Kelly's been there. She's been through the worst of this shit with me and she's the reason that I can still smile and enjoy some of it. I think that some partners just let their pregnant partner go through it. They are not there every day asking questions, being involved. They don't wake up in the middle of the night just to ask how I'm feeling because I moved around. They don't eat random food (think soy hotdogs and yogurt for dinner) because their partner can't stand the smell of anything. They don't encourage their partners to sleep, "Woman, nap...you need it", in the middle of a Saturday. They don't do all of the little things that have made this tolerable.
I'm very, very lucky. I'm loved by a woman who trusts me with the most important thing we will ever do. I get to carry our child, and I get to bring him or her into this world. And I get to do this with the love of my life, and the Mommy of my children by my side.
Wow.
12/07/2006
Sleepin' In
This morning, I slept late! Or sort of late. I slept until 5:30 in the morning and then wasted a bunch of time until around 7 when I finally got into the shower. I made it work around 9 and was STILL the first one to arrive.
I love that.
All is good. I'm tired of making a baby most days, but as I've said before I wouldn't change it. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with the realities of this - the constant sicknes (that is still pervasive), the tummy pains, the numb arms, the back aches, my inability to sleep in any position that is comfortable. It feels like my entire life is all about working, commuting and being pregnant. And I don't get to forget pregnancy while I'm at work or commuting. As Kelly pointed out in a much earlier post - spending 2+ hours a day on a commuter bus that smells like a porta potty, crammed into a seat with another person while I get nauseus is not exactly fun for me.
Day to day, I'm good. It's the fact that I've been living day to day like this for slightly over four months now that is exhausting. I'd love to just escape into a glass (bottle...hell...bottle or two) of deep red wine. I'd like to put on some Nora Jones and wrap myself in a wine fog with nobody but me, Kelly and Nora. I'd love, for just one day, to feel "normal" whatever that means.
I know that this is all part of it, and I accept it. In fact, I even love it. I'm just tired, emotional and wanting some time off from this. At least, as a parent to a child outside of my womb, I will able to walk away for moments. This is one hundred percent me, all the time, with no breaks at all.
But, I will make it through - just as millions of mothers before me have. Sooner rather than later, I will be holding our little honey and will forget this part. Hell, I may find myself wondering where the time went. I know that I will come through this.
I love that.
All is good. I'm tired of making a baby most days, but as I've said before I wouldn't change it. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with the realities of this - the constant sicknes (that is still pervasive), the tummy pains, the numb arms, the back aches, my inability to sleep in any position that is comfortable. It feels like my entire life is all about working, commuting and being pregnant. And I don't get to forget pregnancy while I'm at work or commuting. As Kelly pointed out in a much earlier post - spending 2+ hours a day on a commuter bus that smells like a porta potty, crammed into a seat with another person while I get nauseus is not exactly fun for me.
Day to day, I'm good. It's the fact that I've been living day to day like this for slightly over four months now that is exhausting. I'd love to just escape into a glass (bottle...hell...bottle or two) of deep red wine. I'd like to put on some Nora Jones and wrap myself in a wine fog with nobody but me, Kelly and Nora. I'd love, for just one day, to feel "normal" whatever that means.
I know that this is all part of it, and I accept it. In fact, I even love it. I'm just tired, emotional and wanting some time off from this. At least, as a parent to a child outside of my womb, I will able to walk away for moments. This is one hundred percent me, all the time, with no breaks at all.
But, I will make it through - just as millions of mothers before me have. Sooner rather than later, I will be holding our little honey and will forget this part. Hell, I may find myself wondering where the time went. I know that I will come through this.
12/06/2006
19 Week Baby Bump
Well, here I am. For the first time in my life, my boobs actually look small. LOL! Somewhere in there Our Little Honey is growing like a weed. I hope, anyway!
Early Christmas Present
Good news! I have officially been promoted! I am now the MCLE and Professional Development Coordinator at my law firm! The job comes with a good salary increase and a major decrease in the amount of work I'll be doing. Additionally, it's more flexible and much more of a career path.
I'm way excited!
For all those moms out there who read this - I have been getting some serious numbness in my arms. I'm going to talk to our doctor about this (next Wednesday is our next appointment), but I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this? It's weird.
I'm way excited!
For all those moms out there who read this - I have been getting some serious numbness in my arms. I'm going to talk to our doctor about this (next Wednesday is our next appointment), but I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this? It's weird.
12/05/2006
Excited about Labor
The last couple of days, I've found myself really excited to start the process of actively preparing for labor. Kelly and I will be signing up for a labor and delivery class shortly (to be taken in February when I'm about 7 months pregnant), but I'm already excited!
This has certainly been an interesting process for me. I suspect that my next pregnancy won't be quite so eventful - at least, I'll have been through it once. My expectations have completely changed, and so has my laundry list of needs. I'm feeling much more fluid and relaxed about it all.
My only "fear" is that my Mom won't make it in time for the delivery. She's gonna try like hell, and the only thing that will prevent her from being here is fate itself. But it will suck if she's not there. I can't imagine approaching something so intense without knowing that my partner and my mother will be by my side.
So, I'm sending out "long labor" vibes. LOL - based on all previous expectations of pregnancy, this should mean that I'll have a 45 minute labor and delivery. But, I'm hoping. I'll be the one saying "fly little plane, fly...and bring me my Momma so that I can become a Mamma."
A - pictures are on the way. I'll post them tomorrow!
This has certainly been an interesting process for me. I suspect that my next pregnancy won't be quite so eventful - at least, I'll have been through it once. My expectations have completely changed, and so has my laundry list of needs. I'm feeling much more fluid and relaxed about it all.
My only "fear" is that my Mom won't make it in time for the delivery. She's gonna try like hell, and the only thing that will prevent her from being here is fate itself. But it will suck if she's not there. I can't imagine approaching something so intense without knowing that my partner and my mother will be by my side.
So, I'm sending out "long labor" vibes. LOL - based on all previous expectations of pregnancy, this should mean that I'll have a 45 minute labor and delivery. But, I'm hoping. I'll be the one saying "fly little plane, fly...and bring me my Momma so that I can become a Mamma."
A - pictures are on the way. I'll post them tomorrow!
12/04/2006
Monday Again
Here we are! It's Monday. This morning, I woke up at 3:00 AM. Yep, 3 AM. And what's worse is that I was wide awake. Definately not going back to sleep. Ugg. So, I was up at 3. Which means that I'll be in bed tonight by 8. Early to rise, early to bed. What a wonderfully boring life I lead.
We spent the weekend finalizing our Christmas to-do list. We made our cards, then addressed and signed them all - they are out the door. We are finished Christmas shopping for the most part; there are only a couple of gift cards left to purchase. We've done our wrapping. Our holiday shipping will take place on the 13th - we'll be the ones standing in line at the post office trying to get our gifts out to our loved ones on time!
But...for the most part - we are done. It's like this every year. We really enjoy this holiday, so it doesn't feel like work for us. Both of us really get into it. But it's funny - we go out and we see a completely different response to it. Our friendly little town (it really is) has turned into a seething mass of unhappy, hurried shoppers. They drive fast, blow by you in the store without a care and take no time to smile or enjoy the simple little moments of the season. It's amazing to me. I can't help it - I'm happy during this time of year. I just feel full. Full of love and joy and hope. This really is a time of renewal and starting over for me. It's the best time of the year.
So, I smile (and laugh sometimes) as the antics of those around me who just find stress in this holiday. I wish that I could pass on some of my love of it. I wish that it was as magical for everyone as it is for me and Kelly. At least, I'll keep smiling.
So, if you pass a glowing pregnant woman in a bright red sweater with Christmas snowmen all over it, humming carols and smiling at everyone, you might have passed me! I'll be out there trying to spread some Christmas cheer, and finding the joy in the little parts of this wonderful, wonderful time of year!
We spent the weekend finalizing our Christmas to-do list. We made our cards, then addressed and signed them all - they are out the door. We are finished Christmas shopping for the most part; there are only a couple of gift cards left to purchase. We've done our wrapping. Our holiday shipping will take place on the 13th - we'll be the ones standing in line at the post office trying to get our gifts out to our loved ones on time!
But...for the most part - we are done. It's like this every year. We really enjoy this holiday, so it doesn't feel like work for us. Both of us really get into it. But it's funny - we go out and we see a completely different response to it. Our friendly little town (it really is) has turned into a seething mass of unhappy, hurried shoppers. They drive fast, blow by you in the store without a care and take no time to smile or enjoy the simple little moments of the season. It's amazing to me. I can't help it - I'm happy during this time of year. I just feel full. Full of love and joy and hope. This really is a time of renewal and starting over for me. It's the best time of the year.
So, I smile (and laugh sometimes) as the antics of those around me who just find stress in this holiday. I wish that I could pass on some of my love of it. I wish that it was as magical for everyone as it is for me and Kelly. At least, I'll keep smiling.
So, if you pass a glowing pregnant woman in a bright red sweater with Christmas snowmen all over it, humming carols and smiling at everyone, you might have passed me! I'll be out there trying to spread some Christmas cheer, and finding the joy in the little parts of this wonderful, wonderful time of year!
12/01/2006
Back to the Land of the Living
Ah yes, I love pregnancy. It seems that all I need to do is breath one spore of "bad" air that is contaminated with a virus, and I get sick. That's me. Sick girl. It sucks. Really.
I am back to work today, and back to feeling useful. I hate not working. I hate being sick. I hate sitting around and feeling lazy, even though it hurts to move. I hate sleeping so much. I just plain hate it. I have high expectations of myself and I can't stand it when my body doesn't cooperate. And it hasn't been recently.
But, enough of the bitching. I took care of myself and I am apparently better. Lots to do and not much time to do it in, but what's new?
We broke through 18 weeks. We're working on 19. I'm loving it. I want this baby here sooner rather than later. May still seems awfully far away, but maybe we'll give birth in April. That doesn't seem so far away.
Enough rambling. Time to work.
I am back to work today, and back to feeling useful. I hate not working. I hate being sick. I hate sitting around and feeling lazy, even though it hurts to move. I hate sleeping so much. I just plain hate it. I have high expectations of myself and I can't stand it when my body doesn't cooperate. And it hasn't been recently.
But, enough of the bitching. I took care of myself and I am apparently better. Lots to do and not much time to do it in, but what's new?
We broke through 18 weeks. We're working on 19. I'm loving it. I want this baby here sooner rather than later. May still seems awfully far away, but maybe we'll give birth in April. That doesn't seem so far away.
Enough rambling. Time to work.
11/29/2006
What's In A Name?
Shakespeare writes: "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet." He wrote this about Romeo and Juliet. At the beginning of the play, Romeo (who is a Capulet) and Juliet (who is a Montague) are forbidden to one another because of their names - and the families that those names represented. At the beginning of the story, Romeo recites this famous line.
What, indeed, is in a name? For a lot of people, it's a heritage thing. You know, carrying on the family name. For other people, it's just the name they were given as infants. For other's is the connection to their spouse through legal marriage.
In my world, the last name that I have is the last name that my children will have. Because those children will be born of my body, they will be considered "mine", and therefore given my last name. In our society, that fact unfortunately discredits the very real presence of the other woman in their life who will be their primary parent. Kelly. In the same way that they belong to me, they belong to her. Not, perhaps, through blood, but they are bound to her by a much stronger thread. That of desire, hope and love. Kelly wants this child, and that love, devotion and committment to parenting make this baby hers as much as it is mine.
But society doesn't work that way. Those children will always be assumed to be "mine" because of my last name. Because I am the one who birthed them.
And that is just crap.
So, with our love in hand and our best intentions set forth, we changed my name legally to McFadden. Our children will be born McFadden's, and our family will consist of only McFadden's. When someone asks who the parent is, we will both answer. When the school calls, or god forbid something should happen and our child ends up in the hospital, there is one more safegaurd.
I belong with Kelly. Our children belong with Kelly. They belong with us. And Kelly belongs with me. We are a family.
Today, what we have known for years, became official. With a court document in hand, I have become Michelle McFadden.
What, indeed, is in a name? For a lot of people, it's a heritage thing. You know, carrying on the family name. For other people, it's just the name they were given as infants. For other's is the connection to their spouse through legal marriage.
In my world, the last name that I have is the last name that my children will have. Because those children will be born of my body, they will be considered "mine", and therefore given my last name. In our society, that fact unfortunately discredits the very real presence of the other woman in their life who will be their primary parent. Kelly. In the same way that they belong to me, they belong to her. Not, perhaps, through blood, but they are bound to her by a much stronger thread. That of desire, hope and love. Kelly wants this child, and that love, devotion and committment to parenting make this baby hers as much as it is mine.
But society doesn't work that way. Those children will always be assumed to be "mine" because of my last name. Because I am the one who birthed them.
And that is just crap.
So, with our love in hand and our best intentions set forth, we changed my name legally to McFadden. Our children will be born McFadden's, and our family will consist of only McFadden's. When someone asks who the parent is, we will both answer. When the school calls, or god forbid something should happen and our child ends up in the hospital, there is one more safegaurd.
I belong with Kelly. Our children belong with Kelly. They belong with us. And Kelly belongs with me. We are a family.
Today, what we have known for years, became official. With a court document in hand, I have become Michelle McFadden.
Sick Day
Ugg. I hate sick days. I felt mildly yucky yesterday, but put it out of my mind and went on with life. Last night, I woke up (wide awake, mind you) at 12:45. After laying in bed for a half hour, trying not to wake Kelly up and thinking about how hungry I was, I finally got up. I ate, read a little and went back to bed. Where I proceeded to lay in bed and wonder when I would fall asleep. At around 3:45, Kelly woke me up to tell me to roll over (apparently my snoring had woken her). I got up, feeling the rush of dizzyness and the pounding head, went to the bathroom and stumbled back to bed all the while trying to convince myself that another hour and 15 minutes of sleep would help. At 5 AM, Kelly's alarm went off (I didn't even hear it). I told her to wake me up when she got out of the shower. A few minutes later I realized the buzzing in my head, the aching in my body, the pounding in the back of my skull right at the base of my neck and the body shaking shivers were a sure sign that this Mamma is sick.
So, I stumbled to the bathroom, told Kelly I was calling in, called my boss's voicemail and laid back down.
The baby took that moment to decide that despite our late-night snack, food was a priority. Uggg. My aching body got back up and I sat in the bathroom to wait for Kelly. I didn't want to fall going down our stairs as sick as I was feeling. One bagel, a pear and a glass of milk later, Kelly left for work and I went back to bed. I woke up about an hour ago, called work and got a couple of things squared away and tried to lay back down.
No sir. The baby is tired of laying. There will be no more sleep right now, no matter how much my body needs it.
So here I am. I'm gonna finish this, check my email and then stumble into some clothes. I'm going to drag myself to WalMart and score some pregnancy-approved flu drugs, some juice and a body pillow for my aching body (and my enlarged tummy). Hopefully the journey will exhaust me and I'll be able to sleep through the day.
Hopefully.
So, I stumbled to the bathroom, told Kelly I was calling in, called my boss's voicemail and laid back down.
The baby took that moment to decide that despite our late-night snack, food was a priority. Uggg. My aching body got back up and I sat in the bathroom to wait for Kelly. I didn't want to fall going down our stairs as sick as I was feeling. One bagel, a pear and a glass of milk later, Kelly left for work and I went back to bed. I woke up about an hour ago, called work and got a couple of things squared away and tried to lay back down.
No sir. The baby is tired of laying. There will be no more sleep right now, no matter how much my body needs it.
So here I am. I'm gonna finish this, check my email and then stumble into some clothes. I'm going to drag myself to WalMart and score some pregnancy-approved flu drugs, some juice and a body pillow for my aching body (and my enlarged tummy). Hopefully the journey will exhaust me and I'll be able to sleep through the day.
Hopefully.
11/28/2006
Not Much News
Yesterday was relatively normal. Early to rise, lots of work, early to bed.
The highlight of the day is when one of Kelly's christmas presents arrived. I gave it to her early! Very early. LOL.
I couldn't help myself.
When we bought a king bed about a year ago, we moved from a very heavy Tommy Hilfiger comforter to a light and fluffy down comforter. I was delighted. Kelly was not. She's spent the last year flopping, adding blankets and shivering the night away. Poor girl. She just gets cold - no matter how much heat I put out.
Well, I found a great deal on the exact same comforter that we had on our queen bed...in a king size! I got it because I know that she likes it - she loved the other. The last couple of days she has been freezing. We keep our house pretty cool during the night and she hasn't been sleeping. On Friday we bought a set of flannel sheets, and I was so excited to combine that with the new comforter!
Kelly was very happy. Me too.
Tonight we will make the journey to the laundry mat to wash the comforter. And tonight, we will snuggle down into our very heavy, very warm bed.
At least, she will. I'll be on the other side of the bed, with the covers kicked off and the sweat pooled under me. BUT...I'll sleep better knowing that my love is warm and cozy.
The highlight of the day is when one of Kelly's christmas presents arrived. I gave it to her early! Very early. LOL.
I couldn't help myself.
When we bought a king bed about a year ago, we moved from a very heavy Tommy Hilfiger comforter to a light and fluffy down comforter. I was delighted. Kelly was not. She's spent the last year flopping, adding blankets and shivering the night away. Poor girl. She just gets cold - no matter how much heat I put out.
Well, I found a great deal on the exact same comforter that we had on our queen bed...in a king size! I got it because I know that she likes it - she loved the other. The last couple of days she has been freezing. We keep our house pretty cool during the night and she hasn't been sleeping. On Friday we bought a set of flannel sheets, and I was so excited to combine that with the new comforter!
Kelly was very happy. Me too.
Tonight we will make the journey to the laundry mat to wash the comforter. And tonight, we will snuggle down into our very heavy, very warm bed.
At least, she will. I'll be on the other side of the bed, with the covers kicked off and the sweat pooled under me. BUT...I'll sleep better knowing that my love is warm and cozy.
11/27/2006
Change of Plans
Next weekend was supposed to be the Christmas Tree weekend. This weekend was supposed to be cards.
BUT, on Saturday morning, I woke up feeling crappy. I was moody. I was sad. I felt horribly fat. I found two new stretch marks on my tummy - proof that I'm expanding. I needed a pick me up.
So, Kelly agreed with me that we would use this weekend to decorate our house! Such a wonderful partner, she is. I know she didn't want to. She likes to stick to our plan. But, she took one look at me and just let it go. I love her. Dearly.
Off we went. We searched high and low. The tree farm trees were too small and looked dead. The lot trees (we searched three lots) were definately dead...and expensive ($150 for an 8 foot tree - OUCH). We went to Lowes and Home Depot. JOKE. Don't bother. They all died four weeks ago when they were cut.
By now, we're three hours into the adventure, and still no tree. My back was killing me and I was feeling absolutely devestated about this entire experience. What the hell is Christmas without the perfect tree??? You know, the one that has a beam of light shining on it from the sky when you first see it?
I was even ready to consider purchasing a fake tree. You know it's bad when that happens. Really, really bad.
Then we decided to take a drive down Route 5 to a little nursery that is out there. Actually it's a big nursery. It was a last ditch effort. By this time in the day, it was getting colder (it was around 4 PM) and starting to get dark. I was exhausted, but figured before I lept off the great divided and purchased the dreaded fake tree, that we should give it shot.
We arrived and honest to god, before I even got out of the car, the light shown down on the tree of my dreams. It was stunning. A perfect 8.5 foot Fraser Fir, with wild and crazy branches that looked just beautiful. The shape was perfect - you know, not magazine quality, but perfect the way that a tree should be. It was thick, lush and smelled like heaven. I pointed it out to Kelly from the car and made a beeline for it as soon as I opened my door. It was amazing.
AND...the nursery really knew how to take care of the trees. See, we're having a little problem here in Maryland. It's been in the 60's the last three days and is supposed to remain in the 60's for the next couple. That is absolute devestation for Christmas Trees. They die quickly in this kind of weather. Just take a look at some of lots around here- you'll see what I mean. You shake the trees and the needles just fall off by the thousands. That just screams house fire. And the term "house fire" has taken on a whole new meaning to me since purchasing a house.
But this green house had some absorbant cloth material over the entire ground, and it as soaking wet. They had been watering the ground (thus providing water) constantly. In addition, the trees had been hosed down every couple of hours.
In other words - it was in the best shape it could have been in, given the weather.
We looked at others. We contemplated. We giggled. I squealed a couple of times.
Then we bought that tree with the lights shining down on it. We brought it home, stood it up and it was perfect. We let it dry overnight and then spent last night decorating our tree. It's as beautiful as anything I could have dreamed up. I'll post a picture soon...
BUT, on Saturday morning, I woke up feeling crappy. I was moody. I was sad. I felt horribly fat. I found two new stretch marks on my tummy - proof that I'm expanding. I needed a pick me up.
So, Kelly agreed with me that we would use this weekend to decorate our house! Such a wonderful partner, she is. I know she didn't want to. She likes to stick to our plan. But, she took one look at me and just let it go. I love her. Dearly.
Off we went. We searched high and low. The tree farm trees were too small and looked dead. The lot trees (we searched three lots) were definately dead...and expensive ($150 for an 8 foot tree - OUCH). We went to Lowes and Home Depot. JOKE. Don't bother. They all died four weeks ago when they were cut.
By now, we're three hours into the adventure, and still no tree. My back was killing me and I was feeling absolutely devestated about this entire experience. What the hell is Christmas without the perfect tree??? You know, the one that has a beam of light shining on it from the sky when you first see it?
I was even ready to consider purchasing a fake tree. You know it's bad when that happens. Really, really bad.
Then we decided to take a drive down Route 5 to a little nursery that is out there. Actually it's a big nursery. It was a last ditch effort. By this time in the day, it was getting colder (it was around 4 PM) and starting to get dark. I was exhausted, but figured before I lept off the great divided and purchased the dreaded fake tree, that we should give it shot.
We arrived and honest to god, before I even got out of the car, the light shown down on the tree of my dreams. It was stunning. A perfect 8.5 foot Fraser Fir, with wild and crazy branches that looked just beautiful. The shape was perfect - you know, not magazine quality, but perfect the way that a tree should be. It was thick, lush and smelled like heaven. I pointed it out to Kelly from the car and made a beeline for it as soon as I opened my door. It was amazing.
AND...the nursery really knew how to take care of the trees. See, we're having a little problem here in Maryland. It's been in the 60's the last three days and is supposed to remain in the 60's for the next couple. That is absolute devestation for Christmas Trees. They die quickly in this kind of weather. Just take a look at some of lots around here- you'll see what I mean. You shake the trees and the needles just fall off by the thousands. That just screams house fire. And the term "house fire" has taken on a whole new meaning to me since purchasing a house.
But this green house had some absorbant cloth material over the entire ground, and it as soaking wet. They had been watering the ground (thus providing water) constantly. In addition, the trees had been hosed down every couple of hours.
In other words - it was in the best shape it could have been in, given the weather.
We looked at others. We contemplated. We giggled. I squealed a couple of times.
Then we bought that tree with the lights shining down on it. We brought it home, stood it up and it was perfect. We let it dry overnight and then spent last night decorating our tree. It's as beautiful as anything I could have dreamed up. I'll post a picture soon...
Lesson # 7354
Okay - so, I'm not sure if I've REALLY learned that many lessons since becoming pregnant, but sometimes it feels like it.
If my body and I were playing a game of chess yesterday, my body won checkmate. I slept hard for 10 hours on Saturday night. Kelly and I both slept well (there is a definate correlation between how well she sleeps and how well I sleep). I was up around 6:45 in the morning- not super early, definately not too late. I got up, made us breakfast (pancakes, sausage and an orange), and then promptly went back to sleep for an hour. Huh??? Yep, that's right, folks - apparently the fine art of making breakfast exhausted my body.
After my hour, I showered and we headed to Target and the grocery store. At Target, we scored a candy bar and a cup of coffee (coffee for me only...my love hates it). We shared the candy bar and I drank the coffee. (Just so that everyone can see where I'm going with this - so far in the day, I've eaten pancakes with lots of butter and syrup, sausage, half an orange, a coke, a cup of coffee and a candy bar). After grocery shopping and Target shopping, we finally made it back home around 11:45.
Now, I was feeling crappy. Really, really crappy. I was lethargic, my back hurt, my belly felt like our little honey was trying to push out through my belly button, my head hurt. Ugg. I just wanted to curl up and sleep. But first I needed to eat.
I thought about it and decided that I wanted to have a bacon sandwich. I piled it high with soy bacon, lowfat cheese, tomato and lettuce. On the side, I had the rest of the tomato (four slices), three pickles and half an avocado. I drowned that down with about 24 ounces of water with a lemon.
And wouldn't you know it...my energy came back, my various aches and pains went away, I felt rejuvinated and ready to go.
Hot damn - I've found the secret to feeling good in pregnancy...EAT WELL!
In all seriousness, in the last couple of weeks, I've gotten away from eating well. In my first four months, I listened very carefully to the needs of my body. I craved cucumbers, so I ate them. Lots of them. I cringed at the thought of candy and sugar, so I avoided it at all costs. I drank enough water and really listened when my body was needing something. I was rewarded with no weight gain, and no horrid responses like I had on Saturday morning.
After my last doctors appointment, I walked away feeling like I had this whole pregnancy thing in the bag! I still hadn't gained weight, my sickness was going and my energy was back. PHEW...out of the woods.
Once again, my body has taught me a good lesson. Yep, this part is easier than the first four months. I'm definately feeling better. But only if I listen to what my body needs and not use my pregnancy as an exuse to eat whatever I want.
Just another of life's little lesson.
If my body and I were playing a game of chess yesterday, my body won checkmate. I slept hard for 10 hours on Saturday night. Kelly and I both slept well (there is a definate correlation between how well she sleeps and how well I sleep). I was up around 6:45 in the morning- not super early, definately not too late. I got up, made us breakfast (pancakes, sausage and an orange), and then promptly went back to sleep for an hour. Huh??? Yep, that's right, folks - apparently the fine art of making breakfast exhausted my body.
After my hour, I showered and we headed to Target and the grocery store. At Target, we scored a candy bar and a cup of coffee (coffee for me only...my love hates it). We shared the candy bar and I drank the coffee. (Just so that everyone can see where I'm going with this - so far in the day, I've eaten pancakes with lots of butter and syrup, sausage, half an orange, a coke, a cup of coffee and a candy bar). After grocery shopping and Target shopping, we finally made it back home around 11:45.
Now, I was feeling crappy. Really, really crappy. I was lethargic, my back hurt, my belly felt like our little honey was trying to push out through my belly button, my head hurt. Ugg. I just wanted to curl up and sleep. But first I needed to eat.
I thought about it and decided that I wanted to have a bacon sandwich. I piled it high with soy bacon, lowfat cheese, tomato and lettuce. On the side, I had the rest of the tomato (four slices), three pickles and half an avocado. I drowned that down with about 24 ounces of water with a lemon.
And wouldn't you know it...my energy came back, my various aches and pains went away, I felt rejuvinated and ready to go.
Hot damn - I've found the secret to feeling good in pregnancy...EAT WELL!
In all seriousness, in the last couple of weeks, I've gotten away from eating well. In my first four months, I listened very carefully to the needs of my body. I craved cucumbers, so I ate them. Lots of them. I cringed at the thought of candy and sugar, so I avoided it at all costs. I drank enough water and really listened when my body was needing something. I was rewarded with no weight gain, and no horrid responses like I had on Saturday morning.
After my last doctors appointment, I walked away feeling like I had this whole pregnancy thing in the bag! I still hadn't gained weight, my sickness was going and my energy was back. PHEW...out of the woods.
Once again, my body has taught me a good lesson. Yep, this part is easier than the first four months. I'm definately feeling better. But only if I listen to what my body needs and not use my pregnancy as an exuse to eat whatever I want.
Just another of life's little lesson.
11/24/2006
Wonderful Holiday!
It was a wonderful, festive start to the holiday season!
Kelly and I spent Thanksgiving in West Virginia with her family. It was warm, welcoming and very festive. Her entire family gathered in one location and we ate good food, laughed, talked and enjoyed ourselves. I made pies, and they were a hit! It meant the world to me that another family appreciated them.
After a long day of being with family, Kelly and I went to our hotel and enjoyed some much needed quiet time (think lots of snoring...LOL!).
This morning (Friday), we met with Kelly's mom and sister for breakfast. Kelly and I had done a bit of Black Friday shopping prior to breakfast. Then we rushed home to make it Kohl's before 1 PM! We purchased a set of flannel sheets for our king sized bed for $20 and another cotton set for $15. I LOVE DEALS!
After arriving home, we got online and completed our christmas shopping. Other than a couple of assorted gift cards, we are done! Again...lovely...
I'm about to go out and bring home some Stone Cold Creamery. For just one more day, we're going to pretend like calories don't matter and enjoy the start of this wonderful, wonderful season.
Tomorrow is Christmas Card day. This is likely to overlap into Sunday as well. Next weekend is the tree.
I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR!
In other news, it seems that our little honey has realized that s/he have an entire uterus to occupy. I have seemingly exploded overnight. My belly is bigger, rounder, harder and achier than it's been this entire pregnancy. I've gone from looking puffy to pregnant overnight (and I don't think it was Thanksgiving dinner). It's a strange thing, and come with various aches and pains that I don't really enjoy. BUT...it's all for a good cause.
I've also realized that the weird fluttery, vibrating-like sensations in my lower belly, are in fact the baby moving. They seem to happen when I'm laying down, and I notice when I'm waking up or just about to fall asleep - in other words, when I'm not moving much. They are not powerful and if I wasn't paying attention, I would miss them.
It's interesting to have a butterfly in my belly that will one day be our baby. I wish Kelly could feel it too.
Kelly and I spent Thanksgiving in West Virginia with her family. It was warm, welcoming and very festive. Her entire family gathered in one location and we ate good food, laughed, talked and enjoyed ourselves. I made pies, and they were a hit! It meant the world to me that another family appreciated them.
After a long day of being with family, Kelly and I went to our hotel and enjoyed some much needed quiet time (think lots of snoring...LOL!).
This morning (Friday), we met with Kelly's mom and sister for breakfast. Kelly and I had done a bit of Black Friday shopping prior to breakfast. Then we rushed home to make it Kohl's before 1 PM! We purchased a set of flannel sheets for our king sized bed for $20 and another cotton set for $15. I LOVE DEALS!
After arriving home, we got online and completed our christmas shopping. Other than a couple of assorted gift cards, we are done! Again...lovely...
I'm about to go out and bring home some Stone Cold Creamery. For just one more day, we're going to pretend like calories don't matter and enjoy the start of this wonderful, wonderful season.
Tomorrow is Christmas Card day. This is likely to overlap into Sunday as well. Next weekend is the tree.
I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR!
In other news, it seems that our little honey has realized that s/he have an entire uterus to occupy. I have seemingly exploded overnight. My belly is bigger, rounder, harder and achier than it's been this entire pregnancy. I've gone from looking puffy to pregnant overnight (and I don't think it was Thanksgiving dinner). It's a strange thing, and come with various aches and pains that I don't really enjoy. BUT...it's all for a good cause.
I've also realized that the weird fluttery, vibrating-like sensations in my lower belly, are in fact the baby moving. They seem to happen when I'm laying down, and I notice when I'm waking up or just about to fall asleep - in other words, when I'm not moving much. They are not powerful and if I wasn't paying attention, I would miss them.
It's interesting to have a butterfly in my belly that will one day be our baby. I wish Kelly could feel it too.
11/22/2006
Remember to Taste the Apples
You've all heard me mention that this time of year is a very special one for me. You may even know the story. But because it's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I need to share it again.
Every year, starting from when I was very young until I moved away from home, I would spend this day at my Grammy's house. Most years, I wouldn't be in school and she wouldn't work. We would have gone to the grocery store on Tuesday and purchased all the supplies we needed. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, we would wake up super early (not an abnormality if you knew my Grammy) and we would sit and stratagize. Every year, Grammy would walk me through figuring out which pies we would make first, and why. I didn't realize until I started making the pies without her that she was teaching me about how the oven temperatures effect the outcome of a good pie, and how, if you plan it just right, you can have one pie ready and waiting to go in as soon as one comes out. A bit more complicated than it seems, because pies that sit out waiting for the oven are not as good either.
After feeding Felix his lunch, we would get busy. Most years we made 6 or more pies. Of course, the traditional pies were there - Apple, Pumkin and Pecan. Other years, we would make Sour Cream and Raisin, Coconut Cream, Blueberry and later (with the addition of Miss. Andrea to the family) a French Silk. We also often made a Heavenly Cheesecake for those among us (me) who doesn't really prefer pie.
The creation of so many pies is a massive undertaking. Not only is it just time consuming, but for all of those years, I was learning Grammy's secrets. She didn't share them with me all at once. When I was really little, I didn't do more than just watch and hand her the spices. As I started growing up, I would start helping with the fillings. I always watched Grammy make the pie crust. Every year, she would talk me through it - but she would do it.
Until the year that I turned 12. That year, she had me make the pie crust for one pie. She stood right behind me, and with her hands over mine, she taught me how to make her pie crust. She literally guided my hands through the motions.
The next year, she stood back while I made one of the pie crusts myself. She let me make mistakes, and then she showed me how to fix them, all the while reminding me that even the best pie-makers would mess it up sometimes.
After that year, we would work together to make the pies. I was never without the watchful eye of my Grammy, but she would let me make some of the pies completely independent of her. Often, the family couldn't tell the difference between my pie and hers. She would always wink at me when the family would rave about one of the pies. It was our effort that brought them together, and it was our love that made that tradition endure.
After I left home, there was some Thanksgivings when I wasn't at home to join Grammy in the pie making. We always talked though. And then the year came when it was time for me to make the pies for the first time without Grammy. Mom, Andrea and I had flown to Texas to be with Matt, his wife and their new baby. Uncle Scott and his partner were also there. I was tasked with making 5 pies and a cheesecake. I got all ready, and started. And then failed. Honestly, I've never been so frusterated in my entire life. My crusts were thin, they were not coming together. Nothing I did was working.
I called my Grammy. She talked to me and got me laughing and then sent me on my way. It still didn't work. My brother is the one who saved the day. Matt came into the kitchen, with his characteristic charm, and gently picked up a pie crust that was stuck to the counter and made it work. Watching him reminded me that I had forgetten the key ingredient - to enjoy it all. The process is just as important as the result.
A couple of years ago, my grammy passed away. One of the last things that she said to me the last time that I saw her was to remember to taste the apples. She was referencing the year that I mistakenly used salt to coat the apples for the apple pie, as opposed to sugar. Thank goodness we tasted the apple mixture before we put it in the pie! We laughed about that every year, and for both of us, it's one of those memories and stories that will endure forever.
I promised my Grammy that she would live on forever through her pies. Some people will not understand the depth of that promise, or why it means so much to me. But then, nobody else was there. Nobody else lived through those years. Nobody else learned over years how to make a pie. Nobody else knows the secrets.
So tonight, on this Wednesday before Thanksgiving, when I'm making pies for the in-law part of my family, the history of that moment will be all around me. As I do most years, I'll probably cry a little and laugh when I taste the apples. I'll set the pies out to cool, and look around my darkened kitchen with the clean dishes and the warm smells and I'll know that my Grammy is right beside me. And when I watch people eat my pies, I'll smile, knowing that no matter the year or the place or the people, the tradition lives on.
And someday, I will pass the secrets on to my grandchild.
Every year, starting from when I was very young until I moved away from home, I would spend this day at my Grammy's house. Most years, I wouldn't be in school and she wouldn't work. We would have gone to the grocery store on Tuesday and purchased all the supplies we needed. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, we would wake up super early (not an abnormality if you knew my Grammy) and we would sit and stratagize. Every year, Grammy would walk me through figuring out which pies we would make first, and why. I didn't realize until I started making the pies without her that she was teaching me about how the oven temperatures effect the outcome of a good pie, and how, if you plan it just right, you can have one pie ready and waiting to go in as soon as one comes out. A bit more complicated than it seems, because pies that sit out waiting for the oven are not as good either.
After feeding Felix his lunch, we would get busy. Most years we made 6 or more pies. Of course, the traditional pies were there - Apple, Pumkin and Pecan. Other years, we would make Sour Cream and Raisin, Coconut Cream, Blueberry and later (with the addition of Miss. Andrea to the family) a French Silk. We also often made a Heavenly Cheesecake for those among us (me) who doesn't really prefer pie.
The creation of so many pies is a massive undertaking. Not only is it just time consuming, but for all of those years, I was learning Grammy's secrets. She didn't share them with me all at once. When I was really little, I didn't do more than just watch and hand her the spices. As I started growing up, I would start helping with the fillings. I always watched Grammy make the pie crust. Every year, she would talk me through it - but she would do it.
Until the year that I turned 12. That year, she had me make the pie crust for one pie. She stood right behind me, and with her hands over mine, she taught me how to make her pie crust. She literally guided my hands through the motions.
The next year, she stood back while I made one of the pie crusts myself. She let me make mistakes, and then she showed me how to fix them, all the while reminding me that even the best pie-makers would mess it up sometimes.
After that year, we would work together to make the pies. I was never without the watchful eye of my Grammy, but she would let me make some of the pies completely independent of her. Often, the family couldn't tell the difference between my pie and hers. She would always wink at me when the family would rave about one of the pies. It was our effort that brought them together, and it was our love that made that tradition endure.
After I left home, there was some Thanksgivings when I wasn't at home to join Grammy in the pie making. We always talked though. And then the year came when it was time for me to make the pies for the first time without Grammy. Mom, Andrea and I had flown to Texas to be with Matt, his wife and their new baby. Uncle Scott and his partner were also there. I was tasked with making 5 pies and a cheesecake. I got all ready, and started. And then failed. Honestly, I've never been so frusterated in my entire life. My crusts were thin, they were not coming together. Nothing I did was working.
I called my Grammy. She talked to me and got me laughing and then sent me on my way. It still didn't work. My brother is the one who saved the day. Matt came into the kitchen, with his characteristic charm, and gently picked up a pie crust that was stuck to the counter and made it work. Watching him reminded me that I had forgetten the key ingredient - to enjoy it all. The process is just as important as the result.
A couple of years ago, my grammy passed away. One of the last things that she said to me the last time that I saw her was to remember to taste the apples. She was referencing the year that I mistakenly used salt to coat the apples for the apple pie, as opposed to sugar. Thank goodness we tasted the apple mixture before we put it in the pie! We laughed about that every year, and for both of us, it's one of those memories and stories that will endure forever.
I promised my Grammy that she would live on forever through her pies. Some people will not understand the depth of that promise, or why it means so much to me. But then, nobody else was there. Nobody else lived through those years. Nobody else learned over years how to make a pie. Nobody else knows the secrets.
So tonight, on this Wednesday before Thanksgiving, when I'm making pies for the in-law part of my family, the history of that moment will be all around me. As I do most years, I'll probably cry a little and laugh when I taste the apples. I'll set the pies out to cool, and look around my darkened kitchen with the clean dishes and the warm smells and I'll know that my Grammy is right beside me. And when I watch people eat my pies, I'll smile, knowing that no matter the year or the place or the people, the tradition lives on.
And someday, I will pass the secrets on to my grandchild.
11/21/2006
Waiting...
I hate the last couple of days before a long weekend, or a vacation or whatever. It seems like they simply drag on and on and on. It's exhausting.
All is good. I'm feeling great these days. Any discomfort is minimal, I'm sleeping well, I'm not having weird food things happen, I'm not sick. I feel like I have lots of energy. I'm starting to feel like myself again. Myself pregnant...but definately getting back to me.
It's nice. I am actually looking forward to the holidays, instead of just wondering how I'm going to get through them.
Yesterday, I planned out what I'm getting my love for Christmas. It makes me happy to be organized. By next week, I'll be 90% completed with my shopping and then I'll just get to enjoy wrapping in the wee hours of the morning while my sweetie is still sleeping.
The tree goes up in a week and a half! WOO HOO!!!!! I LOVE the tree.
All is good. I'm feeling great these days. Any discomfort is minimal, I'm sleeping well, I'm not having weird food things happen, I'm not sick. I feel like I have lots of energy. I'm starting to feel like myself again. Myself pregnant...but definately getting back to me.
It's nice. I am actually looking forward to the holidays, instead of just wondering how I'm going to get through them.
Yesterday, I planned out what I'm getting my love for Christmas. It makes me happy to be organized. By next week, I'll be 90% completed with my shopping and then I'll just get to enjoy wrapping in the wee hours of the morning while my sweetie is still sleeping.
The tree goes up in a week and a half! WOO HOO!!!!! I LOVE the tree.
11/20/2006
Traditions
I think that of all the thing that I fear about being a mother (and so far, there are not many, although, I do think that will change). But for now, of the the things I fear, the one that I fear the most is that I will not be able to provide for our children the kind of love and comfort and acceptance that I remember growing up.
Kelly and I decided to live away from our families. Not because of our families, but because our lives work best in the city that we are in. We have definate goals and here, we can accomplish them. In our birthplaces, life is different. We both grew up in "small town" America. In different areas of the country, to be sure, but nevertheless, we both experienced what small-town living feels like.
More importantly, we grew up around our families. Mine was smaller than Kelly's, but not less full. My best memories of growing up surround all the traditions of the times when our family gathered. Mostly, that means the holidays, but not always. We also gathered for the smaller ones - Mother's Day, Memorial Day, random days in the summer when it was cooler at Grammy's house by the coast.
Maybe because I spent so much time with my grandmother (who was THE tradition queen), or maybe because it's just who I am, but I am finding this year that I am afraid of losing those tradtions because we are not close to our families. And for me, this has proven to be devastating. I spent a good part of yesterday crying, and struggling through some weird stuff that happened because my mom wanted a pumpkin pie that I couldn't provide because I'm 750 miles away. It really makes no sense, other than to say that it makes perfect sense to my heart.
The times that I cherish the most are the very things that my children are not going to get. Or at least, that is what I fear. Kelly and I can provide all the love and adoration that we want - but if our children don't have access to their Grammy and their Nana, what have they lost? For me, this is the greatest struggle of being an adult and becoming a parent. How do I hold onto those things, those core values and traditions, and still accept that the reason our children won't have those same types of cherished memories is because we chose to live 750 (or 200 as the case may be) miles away.
Maybe it's just pregnancy hormones. Maybe I don't need to worry so much. Maybe it's just that it's Thanksgiving and of all the times in the year, this is when I miss my Grammy the most. Maybe it's just a different kind of growing pain.
But sometimes I wish that I lived 4 houses down from my Mommy. And sometimes I wish that my Mommy could still fix everything.
Kelly and I decided to live away from our families. Not because of our families, but because our lives work best in the city that we are in. We have definate goals and here, we can accomplish them. In our birthplaces, life is different. We both grew up in "small town" America. In different areas of the country, to be sure, but nevertheless, we both experienced what small-town living feels like.
More importantly, we grew up around our families. Mine was smaller than Kelly's, but not less full. My best memories of growing up surround all the traditions of the times when our family gathered. Mostly, that means the holidays, but not always. We also gathered for the smaller ones - Mother's Day, Memorial Day, random days in the summer when it was cooler at Grammy's house by the coast.
Maybe because I spent so much time with my grandmother (who was THE tradition queen), or maybe because it's just who I am, but I am finding this year that I am afraid of losing those tradtions because we are not close to our families. And for me, this has proven to be devastating. I spent a good part of yesterday crying, and struggling through some weird stuff that happened because my mom wanted a pumpkin pie that I couldn't provide because I'm 750 miles away. It really makes no sense, other than to say that it makes perfect sense to my heart.
The times that I cherish the most are the very things that my children are not going to get. Or at least, that is what I fear. Kelly and I can provide all the love and adoration that we want - but if our children don't have access to their Grammy and their Nana, what have they lost? For me, this is the greatest struggle of being an adult and becoming a parent. How do I hold onto those things, those core values and traditions, and still accept that the reason our children won't have those same types of cherished memories is because we chose to live 750 (or 200 as the case may be) miles away.
Maybe it's just pregnancy hormones. Maybe I don't need to worry so much. Maybe it's just that it's Thanksgiving and of all the times in the year, this is when I miss my Grammy the most. Maybe it's just a different kind of growing pain.
But sometimes I wish that I lived 4 houses down from my Mommy. And sometimes I wish that my Mommy could still fix everything.
11/19/2006
Thumpity, Thumpity...Maybe
I may have felt the baby move for the first time this morning. I'm not sure, which is consistant with what people say when they first feel movement. Many first time moms don't recognize it. I felt what felt like belly twitches - very, very faint belly twitches - about 2 inches below my belly button. I sat really still to see if maybe it was just my heartbeat that I was feeling, but it wasn't.
Interesting.
I'll keep you all posted as to when I can identify with certainty the movement...
Interesting.
I'll keep you all posted as to when I can identify with certainty the movement...
11/17/2006
Way Early
I got up this morning at 3:45. I was on the bus by 4:50 and at work by 5:30. Phew. I'm tired.
There is lots and lots to do. Yesterday was crazy here at work - and yet no work was done. It was the annual Thanksgiving Feast. 10 AM: watch 15 attorneys, secretary and office services folks shove their faces into plates of pie. Absolutely hilarious. 11:30: Snag a table for a two hour, sit down, gab fest while we eat a HUGE feast of tons and tons of food. 1:30: Back to the cafeteria for the raffle and the announcement of the winners of the pie bakeoff. (I didn't win, by the way. The winner was someone who made a "Yam Loaf". What the hell is a Yam Loaf????)
Long story short - I didn't get anything done yesterday.
So here I am. Early. Working (sort of...does blogging count???).
Thank goodness the baby took this week off from making my body crazy!
There is lots and lots to do. Yesterday was crazy here at work - and yet no work was done. It was the annual Thanksgiving Feast. 10 AM: watch 15 attorneys, secretary and office services folks shove their faces into plates of pie. Absolutely hilarious. 11:30: Snag a table for a two hour, sit down, gab fest while we eat a HUGE feast of tons and tons of food. 1:30: Back to the cafeteria for the raffle and the announcement of the winners of the pie bakeoff. (I didn't win, by the way. The winner was someone who made a "Yam Loaf". What the hell is a Yam Loaf????)
Long story short - I didn't get anything done yesterday.
So here I am. Early. Working (sort of...does blogging count???).
Thank goodness the baby took this week off from making my body crazy!
11/16/2006
Ode to Kelly
I'm not even sure how to begin this, or why I'm wanting to write it. We're sitting in our bedroom, just hanging out. Waiting for Earl and the Office to come on. It's the only television that we look forward to all week. We LOVE those shows.
Well, I'm exhausted tonight and don't feel like doing the dishes. In order to relax, I have to not see them. So, we're upstairs. I was going to go to sleep until 8 pm, but now I'm not tired anymore. Kelly is sitting on the floor going through this massive pile of filing that we haven't done in forever. There is a pile of shredding that I should be doing.
Instead, I'm sitting here, occasionally glancing at her and wondering how the hell I got so lucky.
See, loving someone is a pretty wonderful thing. Being loved back, though...now that's the truest of all magic. I love our relationship. I love the easy, casual way that we know each other so completely. I love that I don't have to tell her how I feel - she already knows. I love that she loves me even in my most disgusting moments...those moments when I am just HORRID to be around. I love the way she looks at me and the simple little touches and kisses that seem to never stop.
I could go on and on - really, there is no point, though. I've said it a million times. But tonight, for whatever reason, I feel it distinctly.
I'm a lucky woman.
Well, I'm exhausted tonight and don't feel like doing the dishes. In order to relax, I have to not see them. So, we're upstairs. I was going to go to sleep until 8 pm, but now I'm not tired anymore. Kelly is sitting on the floor going through this massive pile of filing that we haven't done in forever. There is a pile of shredding that I should be doing.
Instead, I'm sitting here, occasionally glancing at her and wondering how the hell I got so lucky.
See, loving someone is a pretty wonderful thing. Being loved back, though...now that's the truest of all magic. I love our relationship. I love the easy, casual way that we know each other so completely. I love that I don't have to tell her how I feel - she already knows. I love that she loves me even in my most disgusting moments...those moments when I am just HORRID to be around. I love the way she looks at me and the simple little touches and kisses that seem to never stop.
I could go on and on - really, there is no point, though. I've said it a million times. But tonight, for whatever reason, I feel it distinctly.
I'm a lucky woman.
Confident
Today, I'm feeling confident. Yesterday, I successfully managed to get up a 4 AM, get myself to work by 7 AM, work really hard in the morning, then spend an hour and a half at lunch walking 25 blocks (to get fake turkey, veggie stuffing and veggie gravy for Thanksgiving with the in-laws), then come back and work my ass off some more, then meet with our financial planner (to realize that we REALLY are on top of things) and then go home and make a pie. And be in bed by 10. And back up again today at 4 AM.
I figure, if I can do all of that in one day, and still feel good, happy and productive, then I can handle this parenting thing!
In all honesty, I'm so excited. Every day that brings us closer to delivery day make me more and more excited. I'm so ready for this. I've been ready to be a mother since I was 18. My life wasn't ready, but I was. Kelly and I were ready as a couple two years ago. Our life together wasn't, but we were. And then it happened. And now, we just can't wait.
Last night, Kelly came downstairs and I had put on my apron to make pie (props, A - the apron you made me rocks!). She looked at me with sparkles falling out of her eyes and said, "I love seeing you in your apron." Later she told me that she loves that I'm the type of person would would make a pie to join a pie bakeoff.
I love it when my normally reserved wife shares with me why she loves me. It makes me feel like I'm on top of the world.
I also talked to an old friend for a few minutes yesterday afternoon. She was a friend who didn't know yet that I was pregnant. Her first response was, "Pardon me? Come again? Doesn't that take a man??" I just laughed and said, "Apparently not."
Straight people are funny sometimes. I get it - when you exist within the majority, you don't spend much time thinking about life for those in the minority. I think this holds true for nearly any situation where one group of people outnumber another group. Heterosexuality is what most people presume to be normal - and so to concieve of an event that "usually" happens through heterosexual sex happening for two women is hard for some of them. I get it. I really do. I don't like it, but I get it. And it doesn't make it okay, but I still understand.
So, I laughed at her. And I told her our story. And she was delighted. She's a good person. Just wrapped up in being a 20-something heterosexual girl. I love her anyway.
I figure, if I can do all of that in one day, and still feel good, happy and productive, then I can handle this parenting thing!
In all honesty, I'm so excited. Every day that brings us closer to delivery day make me more and more excited. I'm so ready for this. I've been ready to be a mother since I was 18. My life wasn't ready, but I was. Kelly and I were ready as a couple two years ago. Our life together wasn't, but we were. And then it happened. And now, we just can't wait.
Last night, Kelly came downstairs and I had put on my apron to make pie (props, A - the apron you made me rocks!). She looked at me with sparkles falling out of her eyes and said, "I love seeing you in your apron." Later she told me that she loves that I'm the type of person would would make a pie to join a pie bakeoff.
I love it when my normally reserved wife shares with me why she loves me. It makes me feel like I'm on top of the world.
I also talked to an old friend for a few minutes yesterday afternoon. She was a friend who didn't know yet that I was pregnant. Her first response was, "Pardon me? Come again? Doesn't that take a man??" I just laughed and said, "Apparently not."
Straight people are funny sometimes. I get it - when you exist within the majority, you don't spend much time thinking about life for those in the minority. I think this holds true for nearly any situation where one group of people outnumber another group. Heterosexuality is what most people presume to be normal - and so to concieve of an event that "usually" happens through heterosexual sex happening for two women is hard for some of them. I get it. I really do. I don't like it, but I get it. And it doesn't make it okay, but I still understand.
So, I laughed at her. And I told her our story. And she was delighted. She's a good person. Just wrapped up in being a 20-something heterosexual girl. I love her anyway.
11/15/2006
The Nursery
Gottcha! It's actually not finished yet. Really, we haven't begun it yet. BUT, we are getting a bit closer. Here are two pictures of the contents on the nursery so far...
11/14/2006
All Good
According to our doctor, everything is all good with the baby!
A couple of cool things to point out:
1) I still have not gained any weight. This is not a problem - in fact, it's a good thing.
2) We have to schedule our 20 week ultrasound in the next few weeks. Exciting. We hope that we don't accidently see (or not see, as the case my be) a peebug (Kelly's word, not mine). And if we do, you'll never know...hehehe
3) I have negative blood and our donor has positive blood. No worries, but I will have to recieve a shot in my 24th week to prevent my body from creating an antibody to the postive blood. There is a pretty cool scientific explanation to all of this, but too long for right now. In summary, it's all about the RH Factor (Andrea, feel free to go searching on the internet...LOL).
4) They stuck me. The drew mine blood. They are testing for toxo-something or other. We have cats. Three of them. They need to make sure I've not been exposed to the yuckiness in their poop. It could hurt the little honey. Hence, the blood.
5) We met the male half of the two doctors in our practice. For those of you in my family - his characteristics reminded me of the best parts of Scott. He was funny and warm. Charismatic and gave off a confident, but not cocky, energy. We are VERY happy with our choice of practices. We can honestly say that we don't care who is on call the night (or day?) we deliver.
6) We heard a healthy heartbeat (mine and our little honey's!) . The doc estimated it at 150 beats per minute. While the doctor was poking around, little honey gave a nice big kick that we loudly heard on the doppler (but I didn't feel it...not yet). This made me crack up...and I proceeded to laugh for an embarrasingly long amount of time. You know how I get. The doc had a good sense of humor and found it mildly amusing.
That's the update! In summary, the baby is healthy and I'm doing well and both are healthy.
A couple of cool things to point out:
1) I still have not gained any weight. This is not a problem - in fact, it's a good thing.
2) We have to schedule our 20 week ultrasound in the next few weeks. Exciting. We hope that we don't accidently see (or not see, as the case my be) a peebug (Kelly's word, not mine). And if we do, you'll never know...hehehe
3) I have negative blood and our donor has positive blood. No worries, but I will have to recieve a shot in my 24th week to prevent my body from creating an antibody to the postive blood. There is a pretty cool scientific explanation to all of this, but too long for right now. In summary, it's all about the RH Factor (Andrea, feel free to go searching on the internet...LOL).
4) They stuck me. The drew mine blood. They are testing for toxo-something or other. We have cats. Three of them. They need to make sure I've not been exposed to the yuckiness in their poop. It could hurt the little honey. Hence, the blood.
5) We met the male half of the two doctors in our practice. For those of you in my family - his characteristics reminded me of the best parts of Scott. He was funny and warm. Charismatic and gave off a confident, but not cocky, energy. We are VERY happy with our choice of practices. We can honestly say that we don't care who is on call the night (or day?) we deliver.
6) We heard a healthy heartbeat (mine and our little honey's!) . The doc estimated it at 150 beats per minute. While the doctor was poking around, little honey gave a nice big kick that we loudly heard on the doppler (but I didn't feel it...not yet). This made me crack up...and I proceeded to laugh for an embarrasingly long amount of time. You know how I get. The doc had a good sense of humor and found it mildly amusing.
That's the update! In summary, the baby is healthy and I'm doing well and both are healthy.
Things that Make Me Happy
Time for another version of things that make me happy:
1) Today is our "16" week check up (while we are actually 16 weeks tomorrow, it still counts)!
2) 101.9 is officially playing "all holiday tunes, all the time". Bless them.
3) I'm leaving work today at 12:20 for the above mentioned appointment.
4) The promotion is a sure thing...mostly
5) Thanksgiving is next week and I get to spend it with my in-laws.
6) I figured out how to deal with the "I want to eat meat" need while still avoiding eating meat. (In case anyone is wondering, Kelly and I will be bringing a vegetarian turkey, stuffing and gravy for our culinary pleasure!).
7) This is the third day in a row that I've woken up feeling good.
8) Have I mentioned that Christmas is coming???
9) My job has somewhat slowed down. At least enough to enjoy the season.
10) I'm a superhero to my boss right now for continuing to do my job, plus taking on the duties of the job I'm about to get. And it's "bonus" time.
11) My brother is doing well in his new job, they have a new apartment and his beautiful partner is having a little girl.
12) I'm entering the pie bakeoff on Thursday (results to be posted) here at work. If I win, I'll get a "Williams and Sonoma Gift Basket." Bring it on.
13) We are only 2 and a half weeks away from putting up our Christmas Tree (the highlight of the year for me).
14) This weekend, the cold weather is coming back. Hopefully to stay.
15) I'm still in my pre-pregnancy clothes.
16) All signs point to a really healthy pregnancy, at least so far.
17) We got our baby bedding and my love was sweet enough to get it all set up for us. It's really, really cute...
18) Kelly is my angel, speaking of my love. She makes every night good and every day worth waking up for.
19) My mom is coming down in December...I'll get to see her AND she'll get to see our tree!
20) Last, but certainly not least, it's the middle of November...who can be miserable during this time of the year????
1) Today is our "16" week check up (while we are actually 16 weeks tomorrow, it still counts)!
2) 101.9 is officially playing "all holiday tunes, all the time". Bless them.
3) I'm leaving work today at 12:20 for the above mentioned appointment.
4) The promotion is a sure thing...mostly
5) Thanksgiving is next week and I get to spend it with my in-laws.
6) I figured out how to deal with the "I want to eat meat" need while still avoiding eating meat. (In case anyone is wondering, Kelly and I will be bringing a vegetarian turkey, stuffing and gravy for our culinary pleasure!).
7) This is the third day in a row that I've woken up feeling good.
8) Have I mentioned that Christmas is coming???
9) My job has somewhat slowed down. At least enough to enjoy the season.
10) I'm a superhero to my boss right now for continuing to do my job, plus taking on the duties of the job I'm about to get. And it's "bonus" time.
11) My brother is doing well in his new job, they have a new apartment and his beautiful partner is having a little girl.
12) I'm entering the pie bakeoff on Thursday (results to be posted) here at work. If I win, I'll get a "Williams and Sonoma Gift Basket." Bring it on.
13) We are only 2 and a half weeks away from putting up our Christmas Tree (the highlight of the year for me).
14) This weekend, the cold weather is coming back. Hopefully to stay.
15) I'm still in my pre-pregnancy clothes.
16) All signs point to a really healthy pregnancy, at least so far.
17) We got our baby bedding and my love was sweet enough to get it all set up for us. It's really, really cute...
18) Kelly is my angel, speaking of my love. She makes every night good and every day worth waking up for.
19) My mom is coming down in December...I'll get to see her AND she'll get to see our tree!
20) Last, but certainly not least, it's the middle of November...who can be miserable during this time of the year????
11/13/2006
Death Planning
Morbid, huh?
Well, Kelly and I have spent the last couple of weeks (and some more time prior to that) planning for what happens if one of us dies. This latest round was the financial side of death planning (life insurance, disability insurance, etc.) Prior to this round of planning, it was the legal side of it (making sure she gets my stuff and can make all decisions and vice versa).
Do you have any idea how hard it is to death plan when you're pregnant???
I find myself driving down the road and I'll start crying thinking about the fact that Kelly is mortal. What the hell would I do without her in my life?
I know, I know - it's not about planning for the emotional crash. It's about making sure that if she's gone, me and our little honey will be alright financially while I get back on my feet.
But try to tell my heart that. Just the thought makes me short of breath and feel like running and screaming to scare off death.
Lots of people don't do this planning because of that fear, and I won't let myself become one of them. But I understand. It's kind of like the old logic of planning for your divorce when you're still in love. (Yet another thing that Kelly and I have talked about).
So...I'll wade through it all and remind myself when the sappy Celine songs come on the radio that Kelly is not dying, she's not dead and that the simple act of planning for what happens if something happens to one of us will not cause either of those thing to happen.
God love these hormones...
Well, Kelly and I have spent the last couple of weeks (and some more time prior to that) planning for what happens if one of us dies. This latest round was the financial side of death planning (life insurance, disability insurance, etc.) Prior to this round of planning, it was the legal side of it (making sure she gets my stuff and can make all decisions and vice versa).
Do you have any idea how hard it is to death plan when you're pregnant???
I find myself driving down the road and I'll start crying thinking about the fact that Kelly is mortal. What the hell would I do without her in my life?
I know, I know - it's not about planning for the emotional crash. It's about making sure that if she's gone, me and our little honey will be alright financially while I get back on my feet.
But try to tell my heart that. Just the thought makes me short of breath and feel like running and screaming to scare off death.
Lots of people don't do this planning because of that fear, and I won't let myself become one of them. But I understand. It's kind of like the old logic of planning for your divorce when you're still in love. (Yet another thing that Kelly and I have talked about).
So...I'll wade through it all and remind myself when the sappy Celine songs come on the radio that Kelly is not dying, she's not dead and that the simple act of planning for what happens if something happens to one of us will not cause either of those thing to happen.
God love these hormones...
Where's My Breakfast?!?!
I had my first anxiety dream about our little honey last night. We were at home and Mikki left the house for the first time. It was very significant because it was the first time she had left the baby behind. Now, I was staying home with the baby so it wasn't too tragic, but still a signifinact milestone. The baby was asleep when she left. After an hour or so, little honey woke and wanted some breakfast. I was like a deer caught in headlights. We had no breast milk in the freezer, and Mikki and I both forgot to pump some before she left. OH MY GOODNESS!! What am I going to feed this hungry baby!! We had no formula in the house, and nothing else made sense to me as a viable option. What can a 3 day old eat besides it's momma's milk?! You better believe we won't let this dream become a reality. -Kelly
Much Needed
Last Valentine's Day, Kelly made me a "love box" - a heartshaped, leather box filled with little slips of paper with love notes on each one. One of them says, "Right in the middle of an ordinary life, you realize that you're living a fairy tale."
This weekend, I realized that I felt like I was living a fairy tale. Friday night was spent with our good friends, M & S. We had a great time just hanging out, talking about being pregnant and all that it has meant for our lives. I love hanging out with them. There is an insignificant difference in how pregnant we are, so we can share the ups and downs of it all. It's wonderful, and comforting to know that we have people close by who care about us and who we care about. It's like having family again...
On Saturday, Kelly and I drove a couple of hours to a shopping mall that was two hours away. First, I love driving with Kelly. There is something about the casual way she rests her hand on my thigh, while we are singing Dar and Dido and Hank Williams. It's normal, comfortable and very, very precious to me. I'm not a big shopping fan, but we spent almost five hours shopping and came away with desperately needed new clothes for Kelly. She was happy and that made me really happy. We picked up movies on the way home and then made tacos when we got there. I love taco night! The evening was spent snuggling and watching Adam Sandler in Click.
Sunday morning we both slept late, and woke up to an all-day cold, driving rain. No good for working out in the garden, but wonderful for hanging out together. We left the house early to grocery shop, but other than that, we just hung out together. Watched another movie, watched the Redskins get stomped by the Eagles. Laughed. Talked. Took a bath. It was lovely.
The entire weekend, there was one constant - I didn't feel bad. I didn't feel sick, not too tired, barely a head ache, I had energy and I was enjoying the days as opposed to just getting through them.
Like the quote says, sometimes you realize that you're living a fairytale.
I needed this weekend. I needed to reconnect with the happy, easy me that exists outside of what has been a challenging pregnancy. I needed to be able to pursue my own needs for just a minute, without worrying about getting sick or causing a headache. In short, I needed a break. Just a couple of easy days.
And I got them! Thank goodness for these moments of perfection within this pregnancy.
This weekend, I realized that I felt like I was living a fairy tale. Friday night was spent with our good friends, M & S. We had a great time just hanging out, talking about being pregnant and all that it has meant for our lives. I love hanging out with them. There is an insignificant difference in how pregnant we are, so we can share the ups and downs of it all. It's wonderful, and comforting to know that we have people close by who care about us and who we care about. It's like having family again...
On Saturday, Kelly and I drove a couple of hours to a shopping mall that was two hours away. First, I love driving with Kelly. There is something about the casual way she rests her hand on my thigh, while we are singing Dar and Dido and Hank Williams. It's normal, comfortable and very, very precious to me. I'm not a big shopping fan, but we spent almost five hours shopping and came away with desperately needed new clothes for Kelly. She was happy and that made me really happy. We picked up movies on the way home and then made tacos when we got there. I love taco night! The evening was spent snuggling and watching Adam Sandler in Click.
Sunday morning we both slept late, and woke up to an all-day cold, driving rain. No good for working out in the garden, but wonderful for hanging out together. We left the house early to grocery shop, but other than that, we just hung out together. Watched another movie, watched the Redskins get stomped by the Eagles. Laughed. Talked. Took a bath. It was lovely.
The entire weekend, there was one constant - I didn't feel bad. I didn't feel sick, not too tired, barely a head ache, I had energy and I was enjoying the days as opposed to just getting through them.
Like the quote says, sometimes you realize that you're living a fairytale.
I needed this weekend. I needed to reconnect with the happy, easy me that exists outside of what has been a challenging pregnancy. I needed to be able to pursue my own needs for just a minute, without worrying about getting sick or causing a headache. In short, I needed a break. Just a couple of easy days.
And I got them! Thank goodness for these moments of perfection within this pregnancy.
11/10/2006
TGIF
I'd like to say more, but work has got me completely out straight. I have no time to write, no time to think, no time to even pretend like I'm not 100% stessed out.
Oh well.
Such is life.
Hopefully this will all net me a promotion that will take away this constant "Mikki can you..."
Oh well.
Such is life.
Hopefully this will all net me a promotion that will take away this constant "Mikki can you..."
11/09/2006
Our Registry
For all of you would like to purchase gifts for our Little Honey and for all of you who would like to purchase gifts for us (thinking Christmas here), please feel free to check out our registry!
We are registered at Amazon.com. To get there, go to Amazon.com and search for Michelle Fitch or Kelly McFadden under the baby registry. We are both listed.
For those of you who haven't ever checked out a registry at Amazon, we chose it because it's convenient - they have all the products we wanted from many different stores (Target, Babies R Us, and others). Also, we assumed that most people wouldn't mind the whole "shipping" thing because most of it qualifies for free "super saver" shipping.
So anyway. Gift cards are fine too.
A little note about preference. Kelly and I put together a registry to take the "guess work" out of what we want for our baby. With that said, we ARE open to people purchasing things that are not on the registry. If you would rather go out and buy a bunch of stuff that you want to buy, that is fine. The point of the registry is this: If we were to do all of our shopping alone, the stuff on the registry is what we would buy.
AND...it's not yet complete. But, there is a good start on there. Enjoy!
We are registered at Amazon.com. To get there, go to Amazon.com and search for Michelle Fitch or Kelly McFadden under the baby registry. We are both listed.
For those of you who haven't ever checked out a registry at Amazon, we chose it because it's convenient - they have all the products we wanted from many different stores (Target, Babies R Us, and others). Also, we assumed that most people wouldn't mind the whole "shipping" thing because most of it qualifies for free "super saver" shipping.
So anyway. Gift cards are fine too.
A little note about preference. Kelly and I put together a registry to take the "guess work" out of what we want for our baby. With that said, we ARE open to people purchasing things that are not on the registry. If you would rather go out and buy a bunch of stuff that you want to buy, that is fine. The point of the registry is this: If we were to do all of our shopping alone, the stuff on the registry is what we would buy.
AND...it's not yet complete. But, there is a good start on there. Enjoy!
Sputtering
Good lord - I am having a hell of a time getting started this morning. It's now 6:15 in the AM and I'm still not showered. Usually, I'm almost to work by this point!
Kelly left a while ago and I've just been sitting around - watching the news and then catching up on the blogs. I'm going to get in the shower and make my day happen...soon...
Nesting is what they call this - but it seems like I've been doing it since Kelly and I moved in together. Other than a couple of close friends, there isn't anyone that I really want to see, nothing that I really want to do and nowhere (except here) that I really want to go. Perhaps its just that I'm lethargic as my body does this incredible work. Maybe I'm just tired of the endless monotony of commuting, working, commuting, making dinner, and then sleeping. Seems like that is the rhythm of my day.
No worries, though. Life is good. I'm just feeling lazy. I wish I could call in for a week. Or two. Or a lifetime.
Kelly left a while ago and I've just been sitting around - watching the news and then catching up on the blogs. I'm going to get in the shower and make my day happen...soon...
Nesting is what they call this - but it seems like I've been doing it since Kelly and I moved in together. Other than a couple of close friends, there isn't anyone that I really want to see, nothing that I really want to do and nowhere (except here) that I really want to go. Perhaps its just that I'm lethargic as my body does this incredible work. Maybe I'm just tired of the endless monotony of commuting, working, commuting, making dinner, and then sleeping. Seems like that is the rhythm of my day.
No worries, though. Life is good. I'm just feeling lazy. I wish I could call in for a week. Or two. Or a lifetime.
11/08/2006
15 Weeks
Well, here we are. 15 weeks. Today begins the journey to complete the 16th week and at the end of this one, I will officially be four months pregnant. My my.
It's going so fast, and yet, it seems to move at the rate of a slow turtle.
Anyone ever had a Shirley Temple? Well, it seems that these days I'm quite obsessed with them. The sweetness, the cherries, the fizziness. It's all perfect for me. Funny.
I'm swamped at work, and working on getting a promotion. It'll be good. No more super assistant for me. It's a career path and I'll let you all know more about it as it comes to fruition.
For now, I'm focusing on getting my job done and looking forward to Thanksgiving with the in-law side our family. I'm gonna make pies! The grand tradition continues, only this time, I get to share it with a group that hasn't had my pies before. I hope they are a hit...
It's going so fast, and yet, it seems to move at the rate of a slow turtle.
Anyone ever had a Shirley Temple? Well, it seems that these days I'm quite obsessed with them. The sweetness, the cherries, the fizziness. It's all perfect for me. Funny.
I'm swamped at work, and working on getting a promotion. It'll be good. No more super assistant for me. It's a career path and I'll let you all know more about it as it comes to fruition.
For now, I'm focusing on getting my job done and looking forward to Thanksgiving with the in-law side our family. I'm gonna make pies! The grand tradition continues, only this time, I get to share it with a group that hasn't had my pies before. I hope they are a hit...
11/07/2006
Political Me
Okay - here is my pitch. I'm dedicating this one to the little non-profit that still feels like "mine" even though I don't work there anymore.
VOTE.
I don't care if you are Republican or Democrat (well, I do, but whatever). No matter which way you swing, today is the day. One thing that I learned while working with high school students is that it doesn't matter what your philosphy is, what matters is that you care enough to get out there and be heard.
We all stand on our soap boxes about the issues. We all care "passionately" when it's gay rights being given or taken away, or the war being fought or lost, or abortions being provided or not. What that never seems to translate into is taking the time out of our days to get out there and VOTE when it's time.
So, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me. It is too important that we be heard - no matter what our voices are saying.
Tonight you'll find a pregnant me - tired, cranky and ready to just sit down - standing in line (probably under an umbrella) to vote a straight D ticket. I care enough. I hope that you do too.
VOTE.
I don't care if you are Republican or Democrat (well, I do, but whatever). No matter which way you swing, today is the day. One thing that I learned while working with high school students is that it doesn't matter what your philosphy is, what matters is that you care enough to get out there and be heard.
We all stand on our soap boxes about the issues. We all care "passionately" when it's gay rights being given or taken away, or the war being fought or lost, or abortions being provided or not. What that never seems to translate into is taking the time out of our days to get out there and VOTE when it's time.
So, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me. It is too important that we be heard - no matter what our voices are saying.
Tonight you'll find a pregnant me - tired, cranky and ready to just sit down - standing in line (probably under an umbrella) to vote a straight D ticket. I care enough. I hope that you do too.
11/06/2006
Sigh
LOL - my mother in law accuses me of thinking too much. And I must admit that she is 100% correct about this...
I think that it comes as no surpise to those of you know and love me that I am very much in need of having control over the major events in my life. And this is, perhaps, the first time that I am not in control of anything. It's scary for me. Scary, overwhelming and just a little unnerving.
But, I'm working through it. As Kelly so aptly put it - "Honey, there is nothing you can do." And indeed, there is nothing I can do but wait and trust that this is the right process for right now.
I'm glad that I've got her. I'm glad that I've got this blog to pour my frustration into. I'm glad that I have wonderful coworkers who don't expect me to be 100% all the time. They are also proving me wrong and are rising to the occasion of helping me through this.
There are so many blessings in my life. And while my head is pounding today and my belly feels nauseous and I'm still feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, I'm going to try to remember what those blessings are.
I think that it comes as no surpise to those of you know and love me that I am very much in need of having control over the major events in my life. And this is, perhaps, the first time that I am not in control of anything. It's scary for me. Scary, overwhelming and just a little unnerving.
But, I'm working through it. As Kelly so aptly put it - "Honey, there is nothing you can do." And indeed, there is nothing I can do but wait and trust that this is the right process for right now.
I'm glad that I've got her. I'm glad that I've got this blog to pour my frustration into. I'm glad that I have wonderful coworkers who don't expect me to be 100% all the time. They are also proving me wrong and are rising to the occasion of helping me through this.
There are so many blessings in my life. And while my head is pounding today and my belly feels nauseous and I'm still feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, I'm going to try to remember what those blessings are.
11/03/2006
Wonder Woman...or not
The back story to my entire life has been hearing about how wonderful pregnancy is. Seriously. I grew up around women who loved being pregnant. My Momma talked constantly about how she felt her most healthy, most connected, and her most strong while she was carrying her children. She would scoff (in a loving way) about the horror stories of birth (not invalidating them, but argueing that not all people have that experience).
I walked away from those stories, and into my own pregnancy, believing that I would harness the power of all the divine feminine while pregnant. I trusted that my body would rise to the occasion and be a champion. In fact, I believed it so strongly, that I scoffed at all the people who told me otherwise. In fact, in my own arrogant way, I laughed at them. Thinking "hrmph...pregnancy is what you make it."
HA. THE JOKE IS ON ME.
NEVER, in my entire life, have I felt so weak and so discouraged about anything. My body has taken over my world. I can't sleep on my back because it makes me sick. I can't walk as fast or with my full body the way that I do because every muscle and organ from my belly button to the top of my knees feels like it's being pulled, stretched, and reorganized. I cry too often, I'm a bitch too much. I want to clean, but need to sleep. I dream of holding my baby and in the very next breath, I'm asking myself why the hell I ever believed I wanted a child in the first place. I feel like I'm disorganized, I can't think straight and all I want to do is crawl into Kelly's arms and cry like a baby.
I swing on this incredibly drawbridge of emotions that range from intensely wonderful to horrendously horrible.
And everyone looks at me with pity. Or sympathy. Or with that smug, fucking arrogant look that says, "I told you so." Honestly, the next time someone says to me "just wait - it gets worse. Wait till you're in labor", I'm gonna knock them out. I want to - HAVE TO - believe that at some point this will stop feeling like so much work. That at some point, my life - the life that still demands my time and attention - will take some level of priority in my life. Because right now, I could give a shit less about working or cleaning or being polite or gracious. Or anything that requires me to exert energy or give attention to anything except this child growing inside of me.
Mom never said anything about this. Perhaps, because this is truly the loniest journey I've ever traveled. Nobody else can understand how it feels from MY perspective, because I'm the only one who lives my life.
See, everyone - I used to be Wonder Woman. I used to get 5 hours of sleep at night and clean and cook and be super-assistant to five people at work. I used to be able to do all of that and still have time to do things like read magazines, read books, work on the stocking that I started for Kelly two years ago, call my family and think about things in a future further out than five minutes from now.
Now, I'm a bit like Garfield. Grumpy, moody, washed up, tired and just in need of a long, long nap.
I walked away from those stories, and into my own pregnancy, believing that I would harness the power of all the divine feminine while pregnant. I trusted that my body would rise to the occasion and be a champion. In fact, I believed it so strongly, that I scoffed at all the people who told me otherwise. In fact, in my own arrogant way, I laughed at them. Thinking "hrmph...pregnancy is what you make it."
HA. THE JOKE IS ON ME.
NEVER, in my entire life, have I felt so weak and so discouraged about anything. My body has taken over my world. I can't sleep on my back because it makes me sick. I can't walk as fast or with my full body the way that I do because every muscle and organ from my belly button to the top of my knees feels like it's being pulled, stretched, and reorganized. I cry too often, I'm a bitch too much. I want to clean, but need to sleep. I dream of holding my baby and in the very next breath, I'm asking myself why the hell I ever believed I wanted a child in the first place. I feel like I'm disorganized, I can't think straight and all I want to do is crawl into Kelly's arms and cry like a baby.
I swing on this incredibly drawbridge of emotions that range from intensely wonderful to horrendously horrible.
And everyone looks at me with pity. Or sympathy. Or with that smug, fucking arrogant look that says, "I told you so." Honestly, the next time someone says to me "just wait - it gets worse. Wait till you're in labor", I'm gonna knock them out. I want to - HAVE TO - believe that at some point this will stop feeling like so much work. That at some point, my life - the life that still demands my time and attention - will take some level of priority in my life. Because right now, I could give a shit less about working or cleaning or being polite or gracious. Or anything that requires me to exert energy or give attention to anything except this child growing inside of me.
Mom never said anything about this. Perhaps, because this is truly the loniest journey I've ever traveled. Nobody else can understand how it feels from MY perspective, because I'm the only one who lives my life.
See, everyone - I used to be Wonder Woman. I used to get 5 hours of sleep at night and clean and cook and be super-assistant to five people at work. I used to be able to do all of that and still have time to do things like read magazines, read books, work on the stocking that I started for Kelly two years ago, call my family and think about things in a future further out than five minutes from now.
Now, I'm a bit like Garfield. Grumpy, moody, washed up, tired and just in need of a long, long nap.
11/02/2006
Lucky
Last night, when I was at my most tired an irritable, I got online to check the blogs that we read regularly. I checked ours for comments and found that our neighboor had left a couple! I laughed out loud for a long time after reading them and realized how truly lucky we are.
Our neighboorhood is full of parents. Most are parents of teenagers, but there are a couple of young children. We are surrounded by people who want to be a part of our child's life, and who want to share in the joy of it all. They come over, touch my belly and share their stories and advice. I truly value the fact that if we need to, we can run across the circle and get some help from someone who is experienced at this. Our families live far away from us, so the sense of community is so important.
This is why we live in the suburbs. This is why we moved. We have found in our neighboorhood the right blend of privacy and respect, coupled with truly caring people. People who care about thier neighboorhood and the other people in it. People who want to be a part of each other's lives, but more importantly, who want to maintain the collective space that we all share - both visually and in the not-so-visual ways.
There is discussion about getting together to start a neighboorhood crime watch. As a community, we have all been talking about wanting to start monthly dinners at each others homes - just to get to know one another and to be more comfortable within our community. Perhaps Kelly and I will start next month and invite everyone over for a holiday event of some kind.
Thank you, neighboor, for reminding me how much I love our neighboorhood and for being a part of our lives! Our children will be better off for the richness that our community can provide.
Our neighboorhood is full of parents. Most are parents of teenagers, but there are a couple of young children. We are surrounded by people who want to be a part of our child's life, and who want to share in the joy of it all. They come over, touch my belly and share their stories and advice. I truly value the fact that if we need to, we can run across the circle and get some help from someone who is experienced at this. Our families live far away from us, so the sense of community is so important.
This is why we live in the suburbs. This is why we moved. We have found in our neighboorhood the right blend of privacy and respect, coupled with truly caring people. People who care about thier neighboorhood and the other people in it. People who want to be a part of each other's lives, but more importantly, who want to maintain the collective space that we all share - both visually and in the not-so-visual ways.
There is discussion about getting together to start a neighboorhood crime watch. As a community, we have all been talking about wanting to start monthly dinners at each others homes - just to get to know one another and to be more comfortable within our community. Perhaps Kelly and I will start next month and invite everyone over for a holiday event of some kind.
Thank you, neighboor, for reminding me how much I love our neighboorhood and for being a part of our lives! Our children will be better off for the richness that our community can provide.
11/01/2006
WARNING - TMI!
Don't say you haven't been warned. This blog is all about my breasts, so if you don't want to read or know about them, just click away now!
So, you've heard me complain nearly constantly about how large it feels like my breast have gotten and how sore they are and how much I'm not liking this part of the process. Well, over the weekend I noticed that my nipples seem to be moist a lot of the time. Not like seriously noticable, just slightly. Kind of sticky feeling.
Well last night, as I was examining them (something I do regularly to check for lumps and anything irregular), I noticed that tiny bits of clear liquid were coming from my nipples! OH MY GOD!!!!! How freakin' exciting is that?????
I am so incredibly happy about this new development. I really want to breast feed. For a long time. When I come back to work, I'm going to take advantage of the mothers room and I'm going to pump regularly. I want to feed my children with my body for a long as my body allows. So, to see this beginning to happen is beyond exciting for me!!!
Up until last night, my breasts were a bother. Something that seemed to just get in my way and hurt me through the day. Last night they became what they have always been meant to be...CAFETERIAS!!!!
I can't wait for more of these really cool changes.
Gosh, this process is just facinating and awe inspiring. I love it. Even the crappy stuff. Don't let my thunder-cloud moods make you think differently. This is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me (well...actually, meeting Kelly is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me, but I suspect that the birth of our child will nudge right up there for a tied first-place!).
Cherrio for today! I'm gonna take my leaking breasts and my aching uterus and my slight head ache and spend today smiling. I get to be a woman, who gets to carry a wonderful child into this world. How lucky am I???
So, you've heard me complain nearly constantly about how large it feels like my breast have gotten and how sore they are and how much I'm not liking this part of the process. Well, over the weekend I noticed that my nipples seem to be moist a lot of the time. Not like seriously noticable, just slightly. Kind of sticky feeling.
Well last night, as I was examining them (something I do regularly to check for lumps and anything irregular), I noticed that tiny bits of clear liquid were coming from my nipples! OH MY GOD!!!!! How freakin' exciting is that?????
I am so incredibly happy about this new development. I really want to breast feed. For a long time. When I come back to work, I'm going to take advantage of the mothers room and I'm going to pump regularly. I want to feed my children with my body for a long as my body allows. So, to see this beginning to happen is beyond exciting for me!!!
Up until last night, my breasts were a bother. Something that seemed to just get in my way and hurt me through the day. Last night they became what they have always been meant to be...CAFETERIAS!!!!
I can't wait for more of these really cool changes.
Gosh, this process is just facinating and awe inspiring. I love it. Even the crappy stuff. Don't let my thunder-cloud moods make you think differently. This is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me (well...actually, meeting Kelly is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me, but I suspect that the birth of our child will nudge right up there for a tied first-place!).
Cherrio for today! I'm gonna take my leaking breasts and my aching uterus and my slight head ache and spend today smiling. I get to be a woman, who gets to carry a wonderful child into this world. How lucky am I???
10/31/2006
Bump? What Bump?
This morning, I put on a pair of my pre-pregnancy pants. I'm not sure why I'm calling them that because I haven't grown out of them at all since I've gotten pregnant. Well this morning, both Kelly and I realized that they look like they are much less snug on me than before. In fact, they look suspiciously like I'm losing weight as opposed to gaining it.
Now, don't get me wrong - after battling my entire life to lose weight, I don't mind that it's happening now. Except for the tiny little fact that I'M PREGNANT!!!! Where is my baby bump?? In fact, all indications still point to a non-pregnant Mikki. I don't really look pregnant (if you ignore my boobs...but most people aren't staring at them).
So, I did a small bit of reading this morning and discovered that being a larger woman it's quite possible that I will not gain ANY WEIGHT at all during my pregnancy. The reasons are quite simple and, in the end, simply mathematic. First, my eating habits and patterns have completely changed. Here is a example. Prior to pregnancy, Kelly and I would to out to Baja Fresh and get bean and cheese burritos. These are served with approximately 25 chips on the side. I would eat my entire burrito (think about a cup of beans and 3/4 of a cup of cheese) plus all of my chips. And usually a soda to top it off. On Saturday, we went to Baja Fresh and ordered our usual. I was only able to eat about 1/3 of the burrito and maybe half of my chips. And I topped it off with lemonaide.
Lately, I can only eat small portions of food and that fills me up for a couple of hours. Then I get hungry again, and I can only eat a small portion of food. In short, I'm eating the way that I'm SUPPOSED to. Small, frequent meals about 6-7 times a day. And the choices I'm making with food are good because what I'm craving is the good stuff - veggies, beans, cheese (and we ALWAYS eat lowfat cheese). I've been craving pasta, but we always eat whole grain pasta.
So, if I were not pregnant, it would stand to reason that I would be losing weight. It seems that the little that I've actually gained in my pregnancy (in the first 4 months, your actually BABY and baby stuff gain is only about 4 pounds) is being netted out by what I'm losing in body fat.
An interesting correlation. And one that, could possibly continue through out my pregnancy.
NOW...just to ease anyone's fears - I'm NOT going to strive for this. I'm pregnant and when the serious hunger does kick in, I'm going to eat. But just like I've been doing since I found out I was pregnant, I'm going to keep making good choices. Everytime I put something in my mouth, I think to myself "Would I give this to my infant?" If the answer is no, then I don't eat it. Because what I eat, my infant eats. I want to put good, heathy, lowfat things into my body so that the little honey growing inside of me gets good healthy food to grow with.
And it seems that my body appreciates this.
Now, don't get me wrong - after battling my entire life to lose weight, I don't mind that it's happening now. Except for the tiny little fact that I'M PREGNANT!!!! Where is my baby bump?? In fact, all indications still point to a non-pregnant Mikki. I don't really look pregnant (if you ignore my boobs...but most people aren't staring at them).
So, I did a small bit of reading this morning and discovered that being a larger woman it's quite possible that I will not gain ANY WEIGHT at all during my pregnancy. The reasons are quite simple and, in the end, simply mathematic. First, my eating habits and patterns have completely changed. Here is a example. Prior to pregnancy, Kelly and I would to out to Baja Fresh and get bean and cheese burritos. These are served with approximately 25 chips on the side. I would eat my entire burrito (think about a cup of beans and 3/4 of a cup of cheese) plus all of my chips. And usually a soda to top it off. On Saturday, we went to Baja Fresh and ordered our usual. I was only able to eat about 1/3 of the burrito and maybe half of my chips. And I topped it off with lemonaide.
Lately, I can only eat small portions of food and that fills me up for a couple of hours. Then I get hungry again, and I can only eat a small portion of food. In short, I'm eating the way that I'm SUPPOSED to. Small, frequent meals about 6-7 times a day. And the choices I'm making with food are good because what I'm craving is the good stuff - veggies, beans, cheese (and we ALWAYS eat lowfat cheese). I've been craving pasta, but we always eat whole grain pasta.
So, if I were not pregnant, it would stand to reason that I would be losing weight. It seems that the little that I've actually gained in my pregnancy (in the first 4 months, your actually BABY and baby stuff gain is only about 4 pounds) is being netted out by what I'm losing in body fat.
An interesting correlation. And one that, could possibly continue through out my pregnancy.
NOW...just to ease anyone's fears - I'm NOT going to strive for this. I'm pregnant and when the serious hunger does kick in, I'm going to eat. But just like I've been doing since I found out I was pregnant, I'm going to keep making good choices. Everytime I put something in my mouth, I think to myself "Would I give this to my infant?" If the answer is no, then I don't eat it. Because what I eat, my infant eats. I want to put good, heathy, lowfat things into my body so that the little honey growing inside of me gets good healthy food to grow with.
And it seems that my body appreciates this.
10/30/2006
New Symptom...
How interesting...it seems that while the nausea and the general discomfort has mostly gone away, a lovely migrane has taken it's place. Saturday was shot due to spending it in agony while I waited out a blinding head ache that didn't go away. Sunday was okay. Now I'm back in agony with a splitting headache.
Tylenol is a joke. It doesn't work for shit. Sorry about the foul language. I'm kind of feeling quite foul.
I hope this is one of those fast moving symptoms that disappears in a couple of days. Or minutes.
Tylenol is a joke. It doesn't work for shit. Sorry about the foul language. I'm kind of feeling quite foul.
I hope this is one of those fast moving symptoms that disappears in a couple of days. Or minutes.
10/27/2006
...and some more symptoms
Everyone says that the expectant mothers' partner often feels morning sickness or similar symptoms. Yesterday was not the first time I have had nausea, but it was the first time I've experienced it without having an excuse to the contrary. After every meal I had yesterday, I had to stop eating because I felt sick. It felt like I had guzzled a large glass of tap water infested with too many minerals. Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe not. As a numbers kind of girl, I tend to believe that statistics do not lie and I may have just joined the percentage of partners that have experienced sympathy sickness. - Kelly
Nightime Conversation
Last night, while we were laying in bed getting ready to fall asleep, I was telling Kelly a couple of the physical ailments that I've been feeling. During the day yesterday, I told her about a dream that I had directly related to childbirth and breastfeeding. She told me that is the kind of stuff that I should be telling all of you! So here goes:
In the last couple of weeks, I've been having some serious pain in the lower region of my body. Pretty much, from below my belly button down to my knees. My hips have hurt the most. I was reading that this pain is probably from early preparation of my body for childbirth and that my syatic (spelling?) nerve is probably being pinched. When I sit for long periods of time, I have to limp for a bit when I start walking again. And of course, I'm having those uterus stretching pains. They have actually been fairly infrequent, but when they do come, it's shocking. One thing that I realized is that I'm just plain not used to pain in that part of my body. I don't regularly get cramps during my monthly cycle and I've never had any problems that would create large amounts of pain. It's interesting (and a little alarming) when they come.
The dream that I had was actually quite funny, I think. Kelly and I were in the labor room and I had just given birth. The doctors put the baby up on my body and were cleaning him (yes, in my dream it was a boy). After they had swadled the baby, they handed him back to me. I was going to breastfeed immediately (which is recommended, or so I've read). So, I went to pull my gown aside and prepare my breast, but I discovered that my boob was so big that I had to use two hands to pull it out of my shirt. I told Kelly to hold the baby and get him ready, and then I began to haul this mammoth thing (that was apparently my breat) from my gown. Once I had gotten it out, it started spewing forth liquid like a fountain. I was yelling for Kelly to get the baby ready and on the count of three to "smoosh his face into my nipple". Kelly was, understandably, struggling with the concept. And I was just trying to hold up this spewing boob.
It was not a pretty dream. And probably indicates that somewhere in my subconcious I'm worried about breastfeeding and my ability to do it well. And, I would suspect, that there is some truth to the whole humungous boob thing. I mean, honestly, my breast disgust me these days. Kelly assures me that they are not as big as they feel to me, but because I'm carrying around these swollen, tender things that just feel absolutely enormous, I have a hard time keeping it in perspective. I can only imagine how I'll feel once they are full of milk. Goodness.
Another interesting perspective that Kelly and I were talking about yesterday is the way the baby is percieved differently by both of us right now. We were having a conversation about protecting my body, and when she talked about it, she talked about "protecting the baby and protecting yourself." When I talked about it, I talked about "protecting myself". Did you catch the difference there? For Kelly, the child growing inside of my uterus is a seperate entity. I am her honey, her lover, her partner, her wife. And I am housing her child. There is a degree of seperation. For me, that hasn't happened yet. I know at some point, I will begin to see the child as a seperate being from me, but since I've gotten pregnant, the baby growing inside of me is still an extention of my body. It's hard for me to seperate myself from my growing child.
Protecting myself is, essentially, protecting my child because there can be no seperation right now. Without me, this child cannot live. Perhaps, when I start to feel movement seperate from my body and I begin to prepare more deeply for the emotional seperation of birth, I'll start to feel differently. Sometimes, though, I wonder. When my brother died, you could see all over my mother that it felt like she was dying too. I wonder if that ownership over and protectionist bond ever goes away. I mean, letting a child grow and become their own person is one thing - but as parents, do we ever stop feeling like our children are not a part of the physical makeup of our bodies?
Already, I cannot imagine a world without this child growing inside of me. Never again will my life exist without me being a Momma. That seems to me to be a forever linking chain to my child that, while not physical forever, will always feel that way.
One more thing - never in my life have I ever felt more like a woman than I do inside of my pregant body. There is something so remarkable and beautiful about being able to house and protect a new life. I love that my body can do this. I feel sexy in a way that I've never felt before. Not really sexy in a sexual way - but sexy in a way that clearly states that I'm a woman. I'm not sure if this is something other women feel, but it's been a nice feeling for me to have.
In the last couple of weeks, I've been having some serious pain in the lower region of my body. Pretty much, from below my belly button down to my knees. My hips have hurt the most. I was reading that this pain is probably from early preparation of my body for childbirth and that my syatic (spelling?) nerve is probably being pinched. When I sit for long periods of time, I have to limp for a bit when I start walking again. And of course, I'm having those uterus stretching pains. They have actually been fairly infrequent, but when they do come, it's shocking. One thing that I realized is that I'm just plain not used to pain in that part of my body. I don't regularly get cramps during my monthly cycle and I've never had any problems that would create large amounts of pain. It's interesting (and a little alarming) when they come.
The dream that I had was actually quite funny, I think. Kelly and I were in the labor room and I had just given birth. The doctors put the baby up on my body and were cleaning him (yes, in my dream it was a boy). After they had swadled the baby, they handed him back to me. I was going to breastfeed immediately (which is recommended, or so I've read). So, I went to pull my gown aside and prepare my breast, but I discovered that my boob was so big that I had to use two hands to pull it out of my shirt. I told Kelly to hold the baby and get him ready, and then I began to haul this mammoth thing (that was apparently my breat) from my gown. Once I had gotten it out, it started spewing forth liquid like a fountain. I was yelling for Kelly to get the baby ready and on the count of three to "smoosh his face into my nipple". Kelly was, understandably, struggling with the concept. And I was just trying to hold up this spewing boob.
It was not a pretty dream. And probably indicates that somewhere in my subconcious I'm worried about breastfeeding and my ability to do it well. And, I would suspect, that there is some truth to the whole humungous boob thing. I mean, honestly, my breast disgust me these days. Kelly assures me that they are not as big as they feel to me, but because I'm carrying around these swollen, tender things that just feel absolutely enormous, I have a hard time keeping it in perspective. I can only imagine how I'll feel once they are full of milk. Goodness.
Another interesting perspective that Kelly and I were talking about yesterday is the way the baby is percieved differently by both of us right now. We were having a conversation about protecting my body, and when she talked about it, she talked about "protecting the baby and protecting yourself." When I talked about it, I talked about "protecting myself". Did you catch the difference there? For Kelly, the child growing inside of my uterus is a seperate entity. I am her honey, her lover, her partner, her wife. And I am housing her child. There is a degree of seperation. For me, that hasn't happened yet. I know at some point, I will begin to see the child as a seperate being from me, but since I've gotten pregnant, the baby growing inside of me is still an extention of my body. It's hard for me to seperate myself from my growing child.
Protecting myself is, essentially, protecting my child because there can be no seperation right now. Without me, this child cannot live. Perhaps, when I start to feel movement seperate from my body and I begin to prepare more deeply for the emotional seperation of birth, I'll start to feel differently. Sometimes, though, I wonder. When my brother died, you could see all over my mother that it felt like she was dying too. I wonder if that ownership over and protectionist bond ever goes away. I mean, letting a child grow and become their own person is one thing - but as parents, do we ever stop feeling like our children are not a part of the physical makeup of our bodies?
Already, I cannot imagine a world without this child growing inside of me. Never again will my life exist without me being a Momma. That seems to me to be a forever linking chain to my child that, while not physical forever, will always feel that way.
One more thing - never in my life have I ever felt more like a woman than I do inside of my pregant body. There is something so remarkable and beautiful about being able to house and protect a new life. I love that my body can do this. I feel sexy in a way that I've never felt before. Not really sexy in a sexual way - but sexy in a way that clearly states that I'm a woman. I'm not sure if this is something other women feel, but it's been a nice feeling for me to have.
10/26/2006
I Believe
Have I mentioned that I love Christmas? We're starting to get Christmas catalouges and in some of the larger stores there are christmas displays. Hell, even Target has their Christmas stuff out. Sometimes, early in the morning, when I'm standing and waiting for the bus, I can smell Christmas on the air. If you've never smelled Christmas, I don't know how to explain it. It's a feeling. A magical feeling that produces a smell.
So, what does all this have to do with my pregnancy?
Well, this year I find myself thinking more and more about tradition and the history of Christmas in my life and in the lives of those around me. I am so excited that I get to be a Momma with the love of my life and that we get to share with our child (children, someday) the magic that is Christmas.
For some this holiday is sad, or lonely or just plain meaningless. Most people have memories of gifts and a tree and some tradition, but not many have the type of memories that I have. My mother made Christmas magical beyond all belief when we were kids. Part of that is simply that I choose to believe in Santa Clause. Yes, that was meant to be present-tense. I buy it all. The flying reindeer, the bowl full of jelly belly, the long white beard, the sneaking down the chimney (or using magic to create a chimney/fireplace). Yep, I buy it all. I WANT to believe it and I always have. And my mom let me. She stoked the fires of my imagination and she made Christmas Eve and Christmas morning the most amazing times in my life.
There are some traditions that I'll carry forward - there will always be a bowl of peanut M&M's put out on Christmas Eve morning and our children will not be limited in how many they eat. The "one gift" on Christmas Eve will always be footy pajamas - even if our kids hate them. Cookies will be left out and carrots for the riendeer.
Some traditions will be new. Kelly and I will always make homemade cards with the kids. We like the idea of selecting one wrapping paper for each person and wrapping all the gifts in that. We'll leave our tree up for a little longer than my family did.
But the magic will stay the same. I want our kids to feel the same wonder that I did. I want them to love, anticipate and wait for the holiday. I want them to start coloring pictures of Christmas trees in September, and to start their holiday letters to Santa in October.
And I, as the believer in our family and as my Momma's Christmas Angel, will do all I can to stoke the flames of their imagination and to keep the fires of belief burning as long as I can. Because what is childhood if you can't believe in something as pure and as wonderful as the magic of Christmas?
Let the holidays begin!
So, what does all this have to do with my pregnancy?
Well, this year I find myself thinking more and more about tradition and the history of Christmas in my life and in the lives of those around me. I am so excited that I get to be a Momma with the love of my life and that we get to share with our child (children, someday) the magic that is Christmas.
For some this holiday is sad, or lonely or just plain meaningless. Most people have memories of gifts and a tree and some tradition, but not many have the type of memories that I have. My mother made Christmas magical beyond all belief when we were kids. Part of that is simply that I choose to believe in Santa Clause. Yes, that was meant to be present-tense. I buy it all. The flying reindeer, the bowl full of jelly belly, the long white beard, the sneaking down the chimney (or using magic to create a chimney/fireplace). Yep, I buy it all. I WANT to believe it and I always have. And my mom let me. She stoked the fires of my imagination and she made Christmas Eve and Christmas morning the most amazing times in my life.
There are some traditions that I'll carry forward - there will always be a bowl of peanut M&M's put out on Christmas Eve morning and our children will not be limited in how many they eat. The "one gift" on Christmas Eve will always be footy pajamas - even if our kids hate them. Cookies will be left out and carrots for the riendeer.
Some traditions will be new. Kelly and I will always make homemade cards with the kids. We like the idea of selecting one wrapping paper for each person and wrapping all the gifts in that. We'll leave our tree up for a little longer than my family did.
But the magic will stay the same. I want our kids to feel the same wonder that I did. I want them to love, anticipate and wait for the holiday. I want them to start coloring pictures of Christmas trees in September, and to start their holiday letters to Santa in October.
And I, as the believer in our family and as my Momma's Christmas Angel, will do all I can to stoke the flames of their imagination and to keep the fires of belief burning as long as I can. Because what is childhood if you can't believe in something as pure and as wonderful as the magic of Christmas?
Let the holidays begin!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
