It all cycles back

Kelly and I were talking last night about how it seems like everything has kind of cycled back to a good spot for us.

At the beginning of this year, I was really struggling. I had had this horrible experience with a co-worker at my previous job that ended in me leaving an organization that I truly loved. I had spent the holidays trying not to worry about not being employed (nobody hires during the holidays). After the New Year, I really got down to business interviewing and eventually took the job that I currently hold. Needless to say, the transition back into the world of a big, corporate law firm after having been at a small, intense non-profit was painful and very, very hard for me. I think that is when I started to really get depressed. It was right around the middle of January when we started taking our Maybe Baby class. The world of children was all around us, but still right out of our reach. We didn't own a home yet. So we got busy, and bought a house in April. We increased our commute by about double, but we loved our house.

The problem was that even though we made all the "right" choices, nothing was working for me. I hated my job. I hated the commute. I resented Kelly for really loving her work while I was barely keeping my head above water. I had some pretty intense (and un-dealt with) anger toward the person who had caused me to have to leave my previous job. I felt locked into a world that I had helped create (we purchased our house on the assumption of my income NOT changing). I couldn't get out of it. I was trapped in this job, in a long-ass commute and I was completely devestated by all of this.

It really wasn't until later that I realized just how depressed I was during that period. I think that my Mom knew, and perhaps my bestest friend A knew. Kelly definately knew. But I didn't. I was superwoman, remember?

Then one day, Kelly suggested that we stop waiting for that elusive "perfect" time to start our family. She took an emotional plunge into some pretty deep water to come find her lost honey who was sinking into a very, very dark place. She gave me the one thing that could have brought me out of my depression. She gave me the answer to my unanswerable question of "why?" Why had we bought a house? Why was I dealing with a 2 1/2 to 3 hour commute every day? Why did I feel so trapped? What was the point of it all?

We started the process right away. And it seemed to fall into place right away. It was almost as if the universe (some may call it God) stepped in and took care of things. We found the perfect donor quickly. We figured out our cycle the first time (thank you, O). We inseminated at the right time, and we got pregnant on our first try. Our little honey came through and we have made it to 20 weeks - where the chances are much, much lower of us having problems. All signs point to a healthy child in approximately 18-22 weeks.

Additionally, my job has come a full 180 degrees. I started out miserable here, but I've found my niche. I'm good at what I am doing, and I have been ripely rewarded. My boss adores me. I've really become her shining star. And it's not so much that I'm rocking my job, as it is that my job is rocking me. I got promoted and my new position is a brand new position in a brand new department. There is endless room to grow and develop professionally. And it is a professional position. I'm not an assistant. I'm going to get to establish much needed procedures and organizational techniques that will make the department run smoother. It's challenging for me, and I love it. I love to feel like I'm doing well, and I love to feel like my work has some meaning.

What an amazing year this has been. Together, my wife and I have built a life that we are in love with. We sat on the couch last night and thought about how far we had come. I realized as I was sitting there last night that there are so many factors I cannot control. I'll never know if the next decision I make will be a good one, or a horrible one. I'll never know how my spirit will react, or how I'll adjust.

But what I do know is that no matter how dark my world gets, Kelly will always be there to pull me back into the light. I know that for the rest of my life, I am going to be someone's Mamma. I know that I am strong enough to get through anything. And I know that when I put that all together, I'm going to be okay.

It's been a long year. I'm sure you'll all get it when I say that I hope next year is a little less eventful...LOL!