Traditions

I think that of all the thing that I fear about being a mother (and so far, there are not many, although, I do think that will change). But for now, of the the things I fear, the one that I fear the most is that I will not be able to provide for our children the kind of love and comfort and acceptance that I remember growing up.

Kelly and I decided to live away from our families. Not because of our families, but because our lives work best in the city that we are in. We have definate goals and here, we can accomplish them. In our birthplaces, life is different. We both grew up in "small town" America. In different areas of the country, to be sure, but nevertheless, we both experienced what small-town living feels like.

More importantly, we grew up around our families. Mine was smaller than Kelly's, but not less full. My best memories of growing up surround all the traditions of the times when our family gathered. Mostly, that means the holidays, but not always. We also gathered for the smaller ones - Mother's Day, Memorial Day, random days in the summer when it was cooler at Grammy's house by the coast.

Maybe because I spent so much time with my grandmother (who was THE tradition queen), or maybe because it's just who I am, but I am finding this year that I am afraid of losing those tradtions because we are not close to our families. And for me, this has proven to be devastating. I spent a good part of yesterday crying, and struggling through some weird stuff that happened because my mom wanted a pumpkin pie that I couldn't provide because I'm 750 miles away. It really makes no sense, other than to say that it makes perfect sense to my heart.

The times that I cherish the most are the very things that my children are not going to get. Or at least, that is what I fear. Kelly and I can provide all the love and adoration that we want - but if our children don't have access to their Grammy and their Nana, what have they lost? For me, this is the greatest struggle of being an adult and becoming a parent. How do I hold onto those things, those core values and traditions, and still accept that the reason our children won't have those same types of cherished memories is because we chose to live 750 (or 200 as the case may be) miles away.

Maybe it's just pregnancy hormones. Maybe I don't need to worry so much. Maybe it's just that it's Thanksgiving and of all the times in the year, this is when I miss my Grammy the most. Maybe it's just a different kind of growing pain.

But sometimes I wish that I lived 4 houses down from my Mommy. And sometimes I wish that my Mommy could still fix everything.