So Little Time...So Many Excuses...

Time is so strange on maternity leave. It seems like I have all the time in the world, but then I look around and it's already 3 PM and I have to go get Bailey. Where does the day go? What do I do with the time? It's so strange.

Which is my way of saying sorry for not writing more often. There are actually things going on and things to say, but I just never find the time to sit down and put it into words. So, forgive the broken nature of this post - but there is a lot to write!

We'll start with the newest member of our family - Mr. Connor. He is doing very well, and is the least drama of all of us, ironically. He's growing so quickly - already, we've done away with newborn diapers and packed up the newborn clothing. He started smiling just a couple of days ago - little crinkles that start at the corner of his eyes and end at one side of his mouth hitching up. Usually, you get a big smile when he turns his head and realizes that either me or Kelly is holding him. He loves to "find" us.

His sleeping has become a bit of drama in the last couple of days. Connor has decided that he doesn't want to sleep anywhere except the swing or in my arms. For two nights now, he has slept amost exclusively in my arms, while I sit propped up with pillows trying to sleep myself. This is not safe for him and certainly not conducive to a good night's sleep for me. He sleeps great in the swing - for up to 4 hours at a stretch during the day. We tossed around the idea of letting him sleep in the swing the same way that we did for Bailey, but that caused it's own host of problems. Namely, we couldn't travel, we bought more batteries than any human being should and it was HELL to break her of it when she finally grew out of it. We have come back full circle to just forcing him into the pack n play - accepting that it might mean a few sleepless nights for us while we train him back into it. Tomorrow, the swing will need to go away - because I'm convinced that if we put him in it during the day, it will affect his sleep at night. And THAT is no good.

Breastfeeding still has it's own host of challenges, but we are working on meeting them. Kelly still has very sore nipples most of the time. Connor is only eating for 10-12 minutes at a time on each breast and then stopping (usually with some painful pulling when he stops), but then acting hungry when he is "finished". There could be lots of explanations - he is in a growth spurt, Kelly's supply is lower than it should be, or maybe just that they are both still learning. Whatever the issue, Kelly is really struggling with it all. I think that she wishes this were like the blissful images we see all over the place of the perfectly serene mother feeding her perfectly suckling baby. Lord knows, there is all kinds of pressure to make breastfeeding work - from many sources. Because of my non-experience with breastfeeding, I cannot offer any advice or reassurance. In fact, in some ways, I am a detriment to the process. I definately think that formula is easier, and if Kelly wasn't so adament about doing this and seeing it through, I would push harder for her to quit.

But, because she is committed, I am trying to be supportive and we are have set up a consultation at the Breastfeeding Center downtown. I have nothing to offer, having no experience, and we need for someone to watch the process. Even if Kelly and Connor are doing everything perfectly and this is all just the natural course of it, Kelly needs to hear that from someone who knows what they are talking about. She needs to be able to pepper someone with all her questions and get meaningful, personal feedback. Truth be told, she also needs to be surrounded, even for a short period of time, by people who champion breastfeeding and who treat the other options are secondary. She needs to the "pep" talk that I can't give. Our appointment is on Thurdsay.

It seems that there isn't much else going on with Kelly that is of importance. The breastfeeding stuff is all encompassing right now. It is an every-two-hour thing that takes up her entire brain. She is still going through a lot of the post partum hormone rush, but that seems to have improved in the last week. She definately seems to be on a more even keel right now. A frustrated keel, as breastfeeding has her going crazy, but more even than last week! She is within 10 pounds of her pre-Connor weight and within 30 pounds of her pre-Bailey weight. The nice thing about breastfeeding is that it takes that weight off QUICK! And she's just a naturally thin woman anyway - so it's coming off without much issue. The last 20 will be challenging.

Bailey is hanging in there. She and I have recently had some minor crisis regarding her behavior. I have been letting her get away with murder in the last month or so and she has been committing "murder" on a regular basis. She has turned into a mouthy, stubborn, fit-throwing, screaming monster who sucks the fun out of nearly every moment with her open defiance and ridiculous whining. How's that for a hell of a description?

Honestly, though, it's an accurate one.

And it's made me crazy. I am the person who primarily handles Bailey and I am certainly her primary disciplinarian. And I have been failing. After a couple of crisis moments, I broke down and had long conversations with Kelly, Mom and my brother regarding her behavior. Kelly admitted to having an emotional crisis about her behavior as well - not being sure how she was going to handle her when I went back to work and it fell to her to make sure both kids get to school every day.

So, this weekend, I put the smack down. Timeouts become a truly hideous thing for Bailey when I moved them up to her room, in her crib, with the lights out and the door shut. She HATES to be left out of anything and I think it genuinely hurts her feelings when I walk away from her. I stopped giving warnings - it was just "don't do this" and the second she did, she got a timeout. I stopped negotiating - telling her that I was done discussing it and if she continued to ask for X, she would get a timeout. On and on and on. Every major activity, every transition period, every crucial moment was discussed and timeouts given as needed.

It sucked. I felt shitty the entire time. I hated being her drill sergent, keeping her in line or else! I hated shutting that door and hearing her cry and call for me to "come back, Momma". I hated every second of it.

But it worked. Bailey and I have had a major breakthrough. She isn't acting up at all. That is not to say that she doesn't push some limits at times and she is certainly still earning timeouts, but all the major stuff has stopped and the threat of a timeout stops the ridiculous behavior. For instance - getting her into the bath used to be a 15 minute process while she ran away and refused to brush her teeth. That has completely stopped. Getting her into the car from school was a horrible experience - now it is completely pleasent with her holding my hand and walking with me.

I mean, I'm talking a complete 180 from where we were just four days ago. It's amazing. I have no illusions that it will last this well forever, but this is a good start. I have learned a valuable lesson in all of this - Bailey REALLY responds WELL to structure and to knowing what the limits are. I'm glad to be making these mistakes now, and not when she is 14. It's hard, but when we are working together, it's so wonderful.

And now, I can actually enjoy her. I'm not so angry with her all the time. The shouting has completely disappeared from our house. There is just no need. She is compliant within one warning and when she isn't, she knows that she will have a timeout. It's simple. The timeout system takes away much of the stress for me, because I know that there is a very simple, very concrete solution to her incredibly frustrating behavior. It makes anger unecessary and frees me up to just loving her.

It's amazing. It's like having a different child.

As for me, well, I am okay. I could go on and on, but it's late and I'm tired. Connor is in his crib sleeping for the first time in days and will probably wake up in about 45 minutes for his next feeding. I don't want to spend anymore time awake. So, I'll just say that my entire life is my family right now. Carrying Kelly through her breastfeeding experience, carrying Bailey through terrible two's and caring for Connor nearly every moment of every day means that there isn't much left for me. I'm hanging in, but very much looking forward to the trip I have booked in Maine over Memorial Day. I really want to the downtime, with my Momma taking care of me, to rejuvanate.

That's all for now. Night.