Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only parent (besides Kelly, of course) who feels relief when the weekend is over and I can go back to work. I wonder if this makes me a bad mother. I wonder if, even if it doesn't make me a bad mother, if maybe I should have thought a little bit harder about becoming a mother. I wonder if other people struggle with their children as much as I do. I wonder if the problem is me, or Bailey, or a combination of both. I wonder if there isn't a problem at all. I wonder if what I'm feeling is normal and if other mothers are just not willing to be honest. I wonder if I'll always feel just that twinge (or rush) of relief forever. I wonder if parenting is hard for everyone or if I just make it hard. I wonder if Bailey can sense that I struggle a good portion of the time. I wonder if she knows that I hate being touched all day long, without break. I wonder if hating to be touched all day long without a break is normal.

I wonder if I will ever stop feeling guilty for having these feelings. I wonder if the moments of sheer joy at seeing my daughter outweighs the moments when I would hit the rewind button. I wonder, if given the opportunity, if I really would hit the rewind button. I wonder if there will come a day when I look back and wish for these days to come back. I wonder if I will be one of those people who, in 20 years, forgets that I ever felt this way.

I wonder if, when Bailey reads this years and years from now, if she will know that this is my shit and has nothing to do with her. I wonder if I tell her that I love her enough and if she knows, without fail, that I would never leave her and that even when I would classify her behavior as horrific...I still love her. I wonder if the disgust I feel when she behaves like a hoodlum is normal. I wonder if being disgusted with your child is even okay. I wonder why love is not always the first emotion I feel when I see her. I wonder if people think I'm a bad mother because I'm willing to say these things.

I wonder why I spend my time wondering about these things. I wonder if I will ever just be the goddamn susy-homemaker that I have pictured in my head. I wonder if I would hate myself if I ever let myself become that person.

I wonder why it feels like I am the only person in the entire world who admits that I miss life before Bailey and I wonder if I am the only person who will ever say out loud that it was easier, and in moments, it was better when we didn't have a toddler. I wonder if people realize that even though I feel this way, I would never subtract her from my life. I wonder if it is clear to people that she is, in fact, my entire world and that because she is the most important part of me, sometimes I just need a break from it.

Sometimes I wonder why being a mother is so tiring and why the rewards are so few. I wonder if maybe I'm doing this wrong, or maybe I'm just not a good parent. Or maybe I am. But I wonder. I wonder if there is any truth to the fears I have that someday she will read this and think that I didn't love her enough. I wonder if she will create a perfect image of me that I cannot live up to and I wonder if she will think I've failed her when I can't. I wonder if she will blame me for the shit that comes her way in life. I wonder if I will blame myself.

Mostly, I just wonder if when this is all said and done, if she will know that she is at the center of all of me - all my joy, all my love, all my struggle, all my heartbreak, all my fear, all my hope. I wonder if she will know that there will never again be any part of me that is untouched by her presence and I wonder if she will know that is both a blessing and a struggle.

I wonder why I'm the only person who talks about this stuff. I wonder if it is just me who feels it. And then I wonder if other people are talking about it, but I am not hearing it.