I woke up this morning on the way wrong side of the bed. No reason - other than the crazy, cold, gray rain that makes me wish I lived up north so that it would be soft white snow. I was just grumpy. Really, really grumpy. Bailey woke up again at 5 AM. She's been doing this for about a week and we are convinced now that it is a trend. We tried to start keeping her up later thinking that she was just not needing as much sleep, but that backfired. She still got up at 5 AM, but was bitchy all day from being tired.
She woke up on the wrong side of the bed too. Or maybe she just woke up in full-on-early-two-year-old mood. Fuck. Everything was "no" and "NO MOMMA" and "Stop Momma" and whining, whining, whining. Getting her dressed, her shoes on and her hair brushed and up took twice as long. We got downstairs and my already very frustrated mood bubbled over when she started rubbing sugar-free syrup all over her clothes. She wouldn't sit down. She wouldn't eat. She wanted "milk...no water...no milk" and didn't want her food. But she did want her vitamin. And then a couple more (which she can't have for obvious reasons). I was tired and grumpy and so fucking sick of her whining.
So, I bubbled over and ended up yelling at her to sit down, eat and behave. She looked at me with those big blue eyes, with tears sparkling in them and back away from her table. In her quiet little voice, she said "no Momma" and started playing with her hands in front of her bib, all the while looking up at me with her wounded eyes. They just screamed "why are you yelling at me...I'm just being a kid."
And I realized in that moment that I FUCKING HATE BEING HUMAN. I hate it that I'm not immune to her whining and that she can get under my skin. I hate that I reach a breaking point. I hate it all. Especially today. Because I'm in a bad mood.
So tonight, when I get home, I'll need to give her extra hugs and kisses. And she won't know why because she won't remember this morning. But I will. And I'll still be feeling bad, even though we made up before we left for school.
Jesus. I hate cold, rainy days.
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2 comments:
Mikki,
Give yourself a break,girlfriend! You are a fabulous mother, a fabulous partner and a fabulous employee. Nobody is 100% everyday because if we were, we wouldn't know what 100% was.
Life is unfair. But you, dear friend, have a lot on your plate. Give yourself a break and love yourself for being a wonderful human being who just hates the rain.
Karen
I hope my little surprise call outside the Augusta Best Buy helped a wee bit :) You should have a piece of mail Friday (if you didn't already on Thurs.....)
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