Bailey's Tantrums and Daycare Delights

I'm super happy to be able to report that we have had a signficant breakthrough with the tantrum situation. Our method of waiting her out and letting her go seems to be working, because in the past week she hasn't thrown one tantrum. We've learned a little bit, as well. We've learned that by distracting her before she is full-blown, we can often prevent the tantrum all together. We've also learned that her tantrums are often started because she is interested in what we are doing (i.e. when I'm cooking). If I pick her up, show her what I'm doing and then offer her a new activity (such as playing in the cupboard that is safe for her to play in, that prevents the tantrum. The best lesson of all, though, is that when Bailey is tired we need to put her to bed. No matter how early it may seem to us. This past week, Bailey has been in bed between 6:30 and 6:45 PM every night. And she sleeps, uninterupted, until we get her up around 6:30 AM. On the weekends, she is sleeping until we get her up at 8:30 or 9 AM. And then she takes a 2-3 hour nap during the day. Maybe a growth spurt? Maybe she just likes to sleep. Who knows. What I do know is that if we try to keep her up, every little disappointment is reason to explode into crazy tantrums that go on and on and on.

Watching her cues and listening to them, is working well.

The sad part about it, though, is that it seem that more often than not, I will not see my daughter on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Those are my late days - meaning I get her up, feed her breakfast and drop her off at daycare, catching the bus around 8 AM...which puts me to work around 9-9:15ish. I leave work between 5 and 5:30...depending on the day. But, that means I'm not home until 6:30 or 7 PM...and Bailey is already in bed. I always go up and snuggle her sleeping body...but that is not interaction. It's comfort for me...very slight comfort...and nothing else.

It's for the best, though, so I just have to learn to accept it. Eventually her schedule will shift again, and she will stay up a bit later.

As for the daycare delights...seems that Bailey has picked up screaming and slapping as means of getting what she wants from the other kids. We have observed her letting out a high pitched yell when she is frustrated. Not a long drawn out yell, but one that (if it could be words) would be a bit like "DAMN IT". You know...that kind of yell. Kelly also watched her slap a doll that another child was playing with yesterday when Bailey wanted it. Of course, she immediately stepped in and firmly told Bailey no. We'll see how long it takes us to break of her those habits.

On a completely different front, it seems that our daughter's personality is changing. Remember how incredibly extroverted she used to be? That's changing. She used to love to come into her room at daycare and be the center of attention. Perhaps that is because it was an infant room and it was mostly quiet and mostly peaceful. Well, now, she enters her classroom and wants to sit quietly at the table. We bring her in a little bit of a waffle or fruit for her to snack on and she sits and observes the other kids before joining the fray. It seems that some of her immediate need to be the center of attention is diminishing. It's interesting to watch.

Coping

I'm absolutely astounded at how much work it is to be the partner of a pregnant woman. This is second only to how incredibly astonished I am at how much work being pregnant is for Kelly.

Kelly pointed out to me this weekend that I slept my way through the first trimester. Being the childless couple that we were at the time, that was possible. I slept and Kelly busied herself with the house chores that she wanted to do (like the easy task of painting the entire downstairs...LOL). I specifically remember reclining on the couch and waking up to eat and putter around for a couple of hours and then going back to sleep. It was so easy in retrospect.

Kelly, on the other hand, is shafted in two ways. First, her pregnancy is about 10 times more difficult than mine was. Seriously. I know that I complained a lot and if you thought I had it rough, you can begin to understand how hard this is on Kelly. Her entire world is timed in 1 hour increments and every decision is made based on getting enough (but not too much) of the right foods (these change every day) and when she can take her medication to prevent even worse sickness.

Let me just spell this out so you have some idea. We'll take a random couple of hours from any given day. So say it's 10 AM and Kelly had just eaten a half cup of bran cereal with some soy milk. The food is probably not sitting great and her belly is aching from cramps (because every time she eats, she gets cramps). She sits down for about 15 minutes, because her head is spinning and she needs to let the food settle so that it will stay down. She sips water or apple juice or gatoraide if any other that happens to sound good at the moment. Her food finally settles and her body decides it will keep it about a half hour after the food is consumed. She has about 15 minutes to be a normal human being, so maybe she plays with Bailey or wanders around the house trying to help with some of the chores. About 15 minutes into that, her head starts spinning again. Time to think about food. She spends the next 15 minutes looking at the contents of the cupboard or the fridge trying to figure out what looks good. Meanwhile, spending all that time looking at food makes her naseous. The other option is that I spend 10 minutes in the kitchen calling out options, most of which are met with groans and thinly-veiled disgust. We finally settle on something and I am usually the person who makes whatever she's decided on because by this time, she's already so naseated from the process of figuring it out that she can't stand to be in the kitchen. I bring her her food and she then must spend the next 10-15 minutes psyching her mind and body out to be able to even touch the food in front of her. 10 minutes later, she may have gotten the food in (we're talking about 1/2 cup of food or less) and then the game begins again.

Without a break.

Ever.

Talk about exhausting. For all of us.

I think, at this point, it's safe to say that we'll never have a third child. It's just not going to happen.

So back to this shafted thing. The second way she is shafted is that we have a child. And we don't have a simple, easy going child. Hell no. We have Bailey. Our bundle of loud, excited, challenging energy who needs almost constant interaction and who wants it from both of us. Even when I push Kelly to take a nap, to watch TV, to stay off her feet, she can't do it. And not because I won't let her...but because she feels bad. I'm carrying nearly everything right now and while I absolutely do not mind, the exhaustion is evident on me. I am an absolute failure at hiding my feelings, so when I'm stressed, tired, grumpy or bored with the same old routine, it shows. And she feels bad. But I can't pretend to feel any other way. So poor Kelly gets to try to be a part of the "normal" routine of our household while feeling like absolute shit because I'm not Donna Reed.

When I was pregnant, my easy-going, laid-back, down-to-eart, NON-drama queen wife took it all in stride. On the flip side, this strung-out, stressed out, drama queen wife of hers is not handling it with nearly as much grace as she did.

So anyway.

It may not seem it, but we are actually doing okay. We're both lost inside of the struggle of a difficult early-pregnancy, but we're coping. We know each other so well, and that helps. I can tell when she is needing me and she can tell when I need to be left alone.

Kelly made the comment that having a pregnant partner is lonely in the beginning of her pregnancy. She said "it's so fucking lonely. All you did was sleep. You'll see." Kelly isn't sleeping constantly, but my wife has been taken over by horrible morning sickness and is consumed with self preservation. It IS lonely.

We would have it no other way. This is the path we are following to complete our dream, and we wouldn't change it for a second.

But I think we'll both be happy when this passes and she can feel a bit more like herself. Herself pregnant, to be sure...but herself.

Moments

Ever have a moment where all frustration, all stress, all anger, all drama just disappears and everything is crystal clear?

I had one of those moments this morning, sitting out on my front porch after Kelly left. I went outside to listen to the birds and take a minute before getting Bailey up. I watched the comings and goings of the court, listened to the birds sing, watched the flowers sway in the breeze and the bees flying around them. I breathed the still-cool air and I realized, with perfect clarity - I am happy.

My Poor Girl

I feel so bad for Kelly!!!!!! The morning sickness seems to ramp up every day. This morning, I came out of the bathroom at around 5 AM, ready to head to work, and found her lying in bed looking like a dump truck had hit her. She told me that she couldn't move - her belly was just waiting for her to stand so that it could throw up. I asked what I could get her - would food help? Toast? Crackers? She asked for cream of wheat and one piece of cinnamon toast. As she was asking for it, I could tell that she felt bad. She caught me checking the clock, trying to gauge my morning and figure out how to make it to work on time. After looking at Kelly again, I decided that I didn't care about work and headed downstairs to make her breakfast.

I brought it up, and then headed back downstairs to stuff the dishes into the dishwasher, prepare Bailey's snacks for daycare, and get her breakfast ready so that all Kelly would have to do is scramble a couple of eggs, get her started eating (she feeds herself mostly) and then head out the door.

Kelly, I know that you are feeling bad these days, about how "needy" (your words...not mine) you are. So hear me when I tell you this - your ONLY job right now is to be pregnant and to drag yourself through your days. Trying to keep yourself fed when food makes you want to puke is exhausting. Playing with Bailey when you have a hurt back is exhausting. Waking up when your entire body is working on something other than you is exhausting. And no matter how stressed I may seem in any given moment, I KNOW how hard it is to grow a baby and I understand where you are. Please, know that I love you and will take care of you through this. You need to let go of your anxiety and lean on me. I can carry the load. I promise you that I won't let you down.

Where To Begin

Wow. So much has happened in the last couple of weeks, I don't even know where to begin.

First - thank you to everyone who has sent congratulations and well wishes. We are extremely happy and excited to be pregnant again. Kelly is doing well - although some pretty severe morning sickness has taken hold. Even with the prescription Zofran that she was given, she is still getting sick every couple of hours. So far it is slightly controllable with food, but even that doesn't help sometimes. My driving makes her sick as hell, so I'll be the passenger for the next nine months. The other thing for her is food aversions are high right now. It's funny - the jokes are always made about women craving food...but so far, it's been all about what she can't eat. She's existing right now on different types of soup, toast, fruit and cheese sticks. Not much else is going down. And at any given time, she can only keep about a half cup of food in her body. She's eating just about every hour to try to prevent sickness, but it doesn't always work. So that is rough...but we're still super happy about the pregnancy.

Second - over the weekend, Kelly went five rounds with a tricycle and lost. Big time. In fact, while attempting to yank a wheel off the tricyle, she slipped a disc in her back. Five hours after it happened (this was on Saturday afternoon) she let me take her to the ER. Slipped discs heal on their own and are really not treatable, except with pain management medication. Because she is pregnant, she cannot take most of the available drugs. They prescribed Tylenol 3 with codine, but that really isn't safe either. And it makes her her extremely queasy. With the morning sickness, the Tylenol really wasn't an option. Her doctor told her it was fine to take low doses of Motrin for pain, but she's been a bit worried and so has resisted except when the pain is unbearable. The injury puts Kelly out of commission for the time being. She is back at work today, but I don't think she should be. She's still in a lot of pain. It goes without saying that she can't pick Bailey up right now - her weight is just too much for Kelly's back.

Third - Bailey has decided to use this week as the week to begin throwing some very serious temper tantrums. Think full-on crazy tantrums. On the floor, screaming her lungs out, throwing whatever she comes into contact with, rolling her body all around, kicking, batting at anyone who comes near her. And she will do this for a long, long time. Over the weekend, on tantrum lasted about 45 minutes. Our response to this wretched behavior is to sit on the floor near her and talk quietly to her - letting her know that when she is ready to pick herself up off the floor and come to us, we will comfort her. We don't pick her up. We don't give her whatever it was that caused the tantrum in the first place. We don't walk away and ignore the behavior. We work through it with her. Finally, last night, we had a break through. It took about 25 minutes, but she picked herself up and came to me, putting her head on my shoulder and calming herself down. Then she was able to eat. 30 minutes later, at 6:30 PM she was sound asleep in bed and we didn't hear her again until she woke up this morning at 6:15 AM.

So...with the combination of full-on "morning" sickness, Kelly's back injury and Bailey's temper tantrums, our home is experiencing a bit of stress right now. This is when not having family around is very, very difficult. We could use some help. We have some friends who have pitched in where they could, but in the end, it's just difficult.

There is no doubt that we will get through this rocky time - but man, we're both exhausted, annoyed with Bailey's behavior and irritated with each other.

LOL - how's that for a happy post?

Our Littler Honey

We are very, very happy to announce that our second child, lovingly dubbed "littler honey" is officially on his or her way! Bailey's little brother or sister is due February 27, 2009...or said another way, we are 6 and 1/2 weeks pregnant.

Other than a bit of mild morning sickness, Littler Honey is treating his or her Mommy pretty good. (Yes...for those of you who know that I am Momma and Kelly is Mommy, you have probably figured out that Kelly is pregnant this time around)!

We started the journey of our second child in January of this year. I attempted to get pregnant twice, we took a month off and then Kelly attempted to get pregnant. Her first attempt failed, but her second one took and now we have our second child on the way!

I started a new blog to track the process of getting pregnant with our second child. We had thought that we were going to keep the process private for longer than this, but (because I am so excited), Kelly and I agreed to let everyone in on the secret. I have linked the other blog on the sidebar. I will not be posting there anymore, and will continue our story here. But if you want to know the back story, feel free to click on over and read!

Here are the first pictures of Our Littler Honey!

Our Littler Honey at 6 Weeks, 4 Days Old

Our Littler Honey's Healthy Heartbeat!

Homophobia at Daycare

So last night, while we are talking on the phone to one of Bailey's old childcare providers at the daycare (from the room she moved out of just recently), it was mentioned that the way her new teachers tell us apart is by referring to us a "the mom" and "the dad."

*sigh*

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate homophobia? Or that I REALLY hate it when it is based mostly in pure ignorance?

I don't believe that these women mean any harm. To them, Kelly's short hair probably indicates that she is "the man" in our relationship. My make up, big boobs and longer hair probably means I'm "the woman". I honestly believe that they mean no harm in the reference.

BUT.

No harm meant does not excuse homophobia. At all.

So, here is the conversation that I am going to have with the director of the center, the assistant director of the center and the head teacher in Bailey's classroom:

"I realize that you probably do not mean any harm by referring to Kelly as "the dad", but what I need for you to understand is that referring to Kelly as any kind of male figure is degrading and just plain wrong. Bailey has two mothers. I am Momma and Kelly is Mommy. If you can't remember those labels, our names will do just fine. I'm Mikki and she is Kelly. The bigger issue, other than the degrading reference, is that Bailey should never have to feel like her family is being called into question or is being reshaped by your language. Bailey does not have a "dad" and that is perfectly fine. Instead, she has two mothers. Her challenges at placing her family within the narrowly defined hetersexual "norm" in society will be difficult enough, without her childcare providers adding to that challenge. We expect you to be a partner in raising our child, just as you expect us to aid in your efforts with Bailey. If you cannot accept our family dynamic and celebrate it with Bailey than we will pull her from this care facility and find one that can."

How's that? Does that mask my blood-boiling anger enough that they might actually hear me? Because my next step is to take this up the chain of command and create a big fucking stink all through the Childtime Corporation.

Not An Ear Infection

Well, we are very happy to say that it is not an ear infection. Her throat is very red and swollen, though, so they think it may be hand/food/mouth disease again.

Needless to say, I'm not real happy. This is a very communicable disease that runs it's course pretty quickly. But it is passed in environments that are not kept clean and by kids. It's obviously very contagious in daycare. I'm frustrated by the daycare's in ability to keep their room clean enough and their toys sanitized enough to prevent this disease.

Not sure what we are going to do about this. We'll have to talk. I can't stand our childcare providers since Bailey switched rooms. Between the bully and her constant stream of illness, Kelly and I are less than happy.

Another Trip to the Doctor

Bailey is running a fever again. Coincidently, it is only 2 days after she went off her last round of antibiotics for an ear infections/bacterial infection in the eye. I'm wondering if the antibiotic did not kill the ear infection and that is what is causing the temps. Because she seems to be running around in circles with ear infections, we are going to take her in this morning (even though we may find out that it's nothing). Better safe than sorry, I say.

Her doctors are a bit worried and want to "watch" her ears. I wonder what they will say this time around. I'm sure, if it is an ear infection again, they will want to start testing for larger problems.

Kelly and I are not too keen on Bailey being on so many antibiotics. The problem with ear infections is that they always prescribe antibiotics and we don't think she always needs them. The best medical research says that most ear infections are best treated with pain management rather than antibiotics. And there are all kinds of problems with giving a child antibiotics.

In any event, I will take her in to the doctors. Given that she has had so many, I want for them to take a look. Her fever was up to 102.1 last night, so that definitely indicates that something is wrong.

For You Bailey

This morning, as I was driving the car, with Bailey in the back seat, on our way to daycare, I heard a song. And as I was watching our daughter in the rearview mirror, and listening to the lyrics, I started crying. And couldn't stop until we pulled up in front of the day care and I had to get out. The entire song through, our Bailey waved her hands and crinkled her eyes at me in the mirror, as if she understood what I was feeling.

So...this one is for you, Bailey.

*******************************************

Gretchen Wilson - Holdin' You

I don't need whiskey to drown out the pain
Or some old umbrella to hold off the rain
Don't have to cross over a river of tears
All that I need is right here

Holding you holds me together
When holding on gets just a little too hard
When this tight rope I travel
Begins to unravel and I feel likeI'm falling apart
Holding you holds me together

You know life's a freight liner on
A runaway track
But I'll take the ride knowing
That you'll bring me back
No fate's too uncertain no distance too farA
s long as ou're here in my arms

Whenever I hold you tight
This crazy world of mine falls right in place
Whatever the trouble is
You find a way to give back what it takes

Brief Glimpses into Bailey's World

Then & Now

This was Kelly and Bailey at Kelly's company picnic last year...

And this is them this year!

Breakfast Today

Bailey's breakfast this morning consisted of:

1 scrambled egg
2 pieces of veggie sausage
1/4 cup of fresh black berries
1/2 cup of fresh blueberries
1 4 oz pear yogurt
~1/2 cup of organic 1% milk

I'm sure glad that she likes healthy food, but lordy. She eats a lot! She's growing like a weed, though, so I guess this is normal.

Another Day

All is good in the McFadden house. We have been super-busy as always. There really isn't much going on, which is why I haven't posted in a few days.

Bailey is 100% better. She is still on an aggresive dose of antibiotics, but the eye infection is gone, gone, gone and we are just making sure it is killed at this point. She is back to sleeping well and eating well.

Recently, it seems that she is spending a lot more time crying and being whiny. I have done some reading and it seems that this is a normal stage and indicates good development. PHEW...it's tough, though. It comes and goes, but it seems to peak over the weekends when she is with us contantly. I assume that we are taking the brunt of it - they don't indicate at daycare that she is acting any different than usual. I am sure that she is feeling out her limits and testing our responses to her.

We always respond - sometimes firmly, if she is misbehaving - and we are hoping to get through it soon. She has started grabbing at our glasses. She knows that is a big, huge no no. She does it to get our attention...or maybe just because she wants them and has no impulse control right now. In any event, that lead to some serious scolding and her hurt feelings.

She still laughs when you tell her no. She'll look over her shoulder and give you a sly little smile. When you tell her no the second time, she laughs. At that point, one of us usually goes over to her and walks her away from the offending location, telling her no. Then she cries. Poor baby.

One new addition to our living room is a potty. We have started to take her diaper off about a half hour before we go upstairs. We open up the potty and let her play with it. She has figured out that she can sit on it, and does. We are not doing any kind of directed action with the potty yet...we just want her to know what it is and to be comfortable sitting on it. We let her watch us go to the bathroom and talk to her about what we are doing. In the next 3-6 months we'll start focusing more on the potty and what it actually does. Hopefully, by 2 she'll be potty trained!

Not much else is going on. It's status quo around these parts.

Not Allergies

Our "allergies" turned out to be a bacterial infection in the eyes that had settled into the ears and was mere "moments" away from becoming a full on double ear infection. The yeast infection from a while back never went away. So. We left the doctors not with a simple note to give her some Claratin, but rather with another antibiotic prescription (not amoxicillian this time...another one...that tastes like oranges, incidentally...LOL), a yeast medication cream and prescription eye drops.

Have you ever tried to put eye drops into a fiesty, screaming 13 month old child? Let's just say, it doesn't make me laugh. It's no fun. She cries. Hard. And fights. I am the dropper and Kelly is the head holder. I'm not sure how a single parent would do it - although, like everything I'm sure there is a way. In any event, the worst part isn't fighting her (I'd fight too if I didn't understand why someone was putting something in my eye), it's how distressed she is. I mean, shit. It's a scary thing, I imagine. Poor baby.

Anyway. That was yesterday. Three rounds of eye drops later, two rounds of antibiotics and a great nights sleep, Bailey is a new girl. Her dark, purple-ringed eyes dripping with green sludge are clear again. Her bags are starting to disappear and she is not rubbing at her ears.

They want to do a test at her 15 month check up to make sure that her ears are going to be okay. We have a family history of needing tubes to cure chronic ear infections in my family and she may need them at some point. Right now, it's a watch game - see what happens.

For now, here's hoping her latest crop of illness goes away and stays away!!!

A New Day

I am SOOOOO NOT bitchy today. In fact, I am a full 180 from where I was yesterday. Enough said.

Bailey has allergies. We need to take her in tomorrow and have her checked out. I'm talking full on allergies. Green gunk in the eyes, itchy eyes and ears, big puffy purple bags under her eyes. Benadryl last night cleared her right up, but made her super groggy. She got a great night sleep, but that is not practical for long-term management. We're thinking children's claritin...but need to check with the doctor first.

Oh, and I guess we have to rule out pink eye or a sinus infection as the cause...although I don't think Benadryl would have worked if it were either of those things.

In any event...that is what we'll be doing tomorrow!

Bitchy

Lord, I am bitchy, cranky, crabby, pissy, annoyed...can you come up with any other adjectives, today.

Wow. I'm in such a bad mood I don't even like myself.

And my throat hurts. Any my head is throbbing and has been for 4 days straight. My doctor says it's just an adjustment to a new medication I'm taking, but fuck. Pardon my language...but if you are easily offended, you're probably not reading my blog anyway. So I'll say it again...louder, for effect.

FUCK.

I'm miserable. And I'm worried about Bailey. She's got lots of green gunk in her eyes. I called to check on her and they were outside, but I know she doesn't feel well. And things are so fucking insane here at work that I can't just take the day off and be with her. And Kelly is in meetings until late in the afternoon, so she can't either. If push came to shove, I could leave...but it would be a huge burden.

I hate everything today. Fuck today. It sucks.

Vacation Time?

I'd love to take a vacation. A real one. You know, one of those kinds where you pack your stuff and head out of reality for a week or so.

I'd like that.

We're working hard right now. Work for both of us is a bitch...but that story never changes. Bailey is going through a bunch of transition stuff and is super clingy and in need of lots of reassurance. This isn't a problem at all, but it is exhausting to be a child's jungle gym and to have to hold her while you do the little things like make dinner, do the dishes, serve dinner...well, just about everything. Last night a major meltdown occurred when I had to put her down for 30 seconds while I put the Mexican casserole in the oven. Even I'm not good enough to hold her, lift a heavy casserole into a 400 degree oven and still keep her safe.

Or maybe I am, but I'm sure as shit not going to try.

The transition to a new room at daycare has proven to be the only change in Bailey's life that has thrown her for a loop. Her new care providers are fine and the room is actually a better room for her to be in, with more stimulating toys, a better schedule, meals at tables with silverware and chairs, no binky, no bottles, sleeping on cots. All good things. But Bailey is struggling a bit. I think she feels out of her element and unsure of herself for the first time. When we leave her, she is usually just standing by herself watching the craziness of all the other children around her. When we pick her up in the afternoons, she is often playing outside...except that rather than playing, she is sitting on her teacher's lap, watching the others. For our outgoing, lead-the-pack kind of girl, this is an oddity.

No doubt, this is a big transition for her. Toddler 1 is a very big change from Infant 2. Every face is different and the two women who have been caring for her since she was 11 weeks old are no longer in her room. She doesn't see them.

I'm absolutely convinced that she is just plain nervous. She is old enough to understand the change and to assign a quality to it. Rather than just accept, she is trying to figure out if she is going to be okay.

The good thing, though, is that her teachers adore her. She is sleeping just fine - taking 2-3 hour naps on her cot with the other children. She is eating just fine. The major functions that would stop if she were truly distressed are just fine. All indications point to her simply adjusting to a change.

But, as this long, drawn-out post suggests, her Mommy and I are struggling with it a bit. We know that she is feeling less than sure of herself. It is hard to think that she may feel unsafe or scared at any point. It's even harder to know that we think those feelings are for the best. We have both had the extremely difficult reality of leaving her while she is sobbing for us.

This is a tiny vision into what the future will be like. We cannot protect her from everything, and like it or not, her response to things may not always be positive...even if those things are in her best interest. It's so hard to stand by, for the first time, and watch her navigate her world and realize that we cannot (and will not) prevent every bad thing that might happen from happening.

It has really driven the point home, for me anyway, that we are witnesses and Shepard's to a journey that is not ours to make or define.

No More Bottles

Well, the bottles are officially gone from our home. Bailey is now drinking her formula from a sippy cut in the evening. This is the first step in the campaign to destroy bottle drinking and binky sucking in our house. Just to be clear, this is my campaign and really isn't all that supported by either Bailey or Kelly. The binky will stick around for a while. I am not going to push that issue to quickly. She only has it when she is falling asleep. She never has it during the day, so that is good.

This morning was truly a hard morning for me. Bailey has been all about me lately. I've mentioned that she goes through stages. This week, it's me. She wants to snuggle all the time and she can't seem to get close enough for me. She is obviously needed to be reassured and comforted, and I happily oblige. But I had to leave her at daycare this morning and she was SO not happy about it. She just sobbed. It broke my heart. I cried too. This is the first time that she has actually seemed distressed about my leaving her. It was awful.

This weekend was lovely and we were so happy to find out that our dear friends I&A are pregnant!!! They have been trying for a while and it's such wonderful news that they have succeeded! Brunch with them and M&S was fantastic. I love seeing them. And honestly, Danny is the sweetest, cutest little boy that I have ever met. Seriously.

Anyway. Back to work.

Pride

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Pride? Not just the fact that I'm surrounded by thousands (35K of them) of my people, but the energy of Pride just excites me. And the boys. And the attitude. And the preening and the sexy androgynous women. I love holding my wife's hand and having it be among the norm. I like walking beside her and having other women check her out (they do) and knowing she's mine. I love the groups of people, the comfort of not being 10% of the crowd, but the ENTIRE crowd.

I love it all.

We didn't go this year. LOL - having a baby who goes to bed at 6:30 - 7:00 PM means that a 6 PM parade downtown in the pouring rain isn't going to happen.

But it was nice knowing that it did happen and that next year, we may make an appearance.

We're off to Pride today. Good fun and lots of gay people!

BTW - Bailey went to bed last night without a bottle or formula. We're starting the weening process. She did great - and didn't cry at all. She's such a super-star!

Stunned

I can't believe that Tim Russert has died. I didn't know him. I actually didn't watch his show all that often (10:30 AM on Sunday mornings are all about Bailey, really). I didn't read his books.

But I always listened when I did catch him on the news. Whenever a major political event happened I didn't feel like I understood it until he explained it.

What a horrible loss.

Yesterday was weird. Both Kelly and I were effected by a 30-block power outage in downtown DC yesterday. Our buildings were shut down. We had no way home, so we rode the metro out as far as we could get and then her boss picked us up. Strange day.

This weekend is pride. We are meeting up with friends tomorrow for brunch in the city. I am very much looking forward to it!

In my "free" time, which isn't much, I'm busy looking for beach homes for our family vacation next year. That's lots of fun.

Time to wake Bailey up...

Could Anything Be Cuter?

Than having your 13 1/2 month old child look at you and say "I Love You"? I'm not sure that it could be. My heart is officially stolen.

I Think I Can...

...I think I can...I think I can...give a shit about work.

I wonder if I keep telling myself that if I actually will give a shit about it today?

I Should Be Working

Really. I have a million and one things to do. It seems that there is a very fine line for me between busy good and busy bad. I do great under stress (normal stress, anyway) and there is a lot of that going on here at my job. But when it gets overwhelming (like it is now), I just shut down. I don't want to work. I want to play online. I want to search for beach houses for next year's family vacation. I want to look at homes on a lake in Vermont for Kelly and I to retire to. I want to plan Disney vacations. What I don't want to do is process data and create webpages and plan giving baskets for the homeless. I don't want to organize the charity run, I don't want to write letters to donors, I don't want to responded to the million questions and emails I get every day.

So, a five minute break to update you all (I wonder how many people are still reading?) and then off to do all the things I don't want to do.

This past weekend was lovely. It was horribly hot, so we didn't spend much time outside (which bums us all out, as it is Bailey's favorite place to be). We did, however, go to the indoor swimming pool for the first time. Bailey hated it. Then she loved it.

I got her in her swimsuit and held her tightly to me as I entered the water. The water was a madhouse, with kids jumping, splashing, yelling and generally having a great time. I was, of course, annoyed at those kids because they were scaring Bailey. But still. They were just being kids. We waded in pretty quickly, and Bailey clung and wimpered. I got her away from the crowd and we just stood along the side and watched the kids. Bailey loved that part. I never relaxed my grip on her, and I let her cling to me. Just as she was starting to relax, a kid jumped in right beside us and covered us with water. Bailey screamed. The poor kid looked liked he was going to cry. I glared at him. I couldn't help it. I mean, really?

Anyway, after about 15 more minutes and lots of soothing, comforting words wispered in her ear, Bailey began to relax. She started to look at the actual water and even let her legs relax from their vice-grip hold on my hips. By the end of our 45 minute stay in the water, she was holding my hands with the rest of her body floating and giggling while I slowly turned her in circles.

I think it was successful. We'll go back this week.

Then, yesterday, was another big day of change for our Bailey. She has been in the process of moving up to Toddler 1 at daycare. She is currently in Infant 2. Yesterday, they began the process in earnest and Bailey rose to the changes like a champion. For starters, they took her over to the new room at 11 AM, where she stayed for the rest of the day. At lunch time, she sat at the table (NOT in a high chair) and ate lunch with the other kids, using an adult-sized spoon. At 12 (which is naptime), they put her sheet on a cot and she layed down just like a big kid and went right to sleep. She woke up an hour and 45 minutes later and just hung out on her cot until it was time to get up. She did it like it was nothing!!!

When I arrived to pick her up, she was happily playing in the sand table with the other kids and very much enjoying herself.

We're excited about the transition. She's been ready for a while, but her Infant 2 teacher loves her so much that they have done the transition slowly. Perhaps to Bailey's detriment. She needs to get up there with the big kids. And now she is. The transition will be complete within 2 weeks.

Kelly weighed Bailey last night and the scale put her at 26.4 pounds. She's a freakin' big girl!!!

It's been more than five minutes. I've got to get going on my stuff here at work. *sigh*

Adventures in the Bathroom

I bet you think that means that my family was sick, don't you? But NO. Nothing that simple.

Wednesday night, Kelly gets on the bus at 3 PM, to get Bailey. She sends me an email, asking when I can get home because there are tornado warnings and watches all over our area. Most of the DC-area was under them. I, of course, having a day from hell couldn't leave immediately. And it really wouldn't have been safe for me to be standing in line in the middle of one of the lines of storms coming through. So I stayed put until about 4:45.

My commute took two hours.

I finally got home, after Bailey had already been put to bed. We made some dinner and sat down to watch the news and get the latest on the storms. As we're watching, they begin to describe a storm that was currently in Virginia, but headed directly our way. This storm had produced a tornado already. We continued to listen with renewed interest as they talked about it moving across the Potomac. We begin to look at each other when they changed our "watch" to a warning. The talk on the news become a bit more frantic as they described the storm. They began saying things like "imminent threat" and "seek shelter immediately". They told drivers in our area to abandon their cars and seek shelter under bridge overpasses or in nearby homes. They told people who have basements to go to them immediately. They told the rest of us (we have no basement) to get to an inside room and bring blankets and to do it now.

Before I continue the story, let me just say that Kelly and I are not paranoid people. We've both been through some nasty weather. But the thing of it is, an F5 tornado ripped through LaPlata (a town 8 miles south of ours) a couple of years ago and killed a lot of people. It's not unheard of in our area. It's not even uncommon. And we didn't have a basement, we don't have any real way to protect ourselves. But we can try.

So we sprung into action. We turned the volume up on the TV so we could continue to listen. We gather the cats and locked them in our internal closet downstairs. Kelly grabbed her backpack and shoved some food (protien bars and bananas for us, non-parishable food for Bailey), water, our keys and our cell phones and blackberries. We brought some blankets, a radio and our camping lantern into our downstairs bathroom. I shut all the heavy wooden blinds in our house. And then we watched. We waited a few minutes.

We laughed nervously, wondering if we were over-reacting. And then we decided we didn't care because the weather started to get more serious. Charles County officials confirmed a tornado down in LaPlata (remember, only 8 miles from us) and moving fast. Waldorf was in the direct line of the same storm system and they began to urge people to take the threat seriously and to take precautions.

We called Jodie in West Virginia. Our thought was that if a tornado did come through and something did happen, none of our family lives around here. Someone needed to know. We agreed to call her in a half hour to let her know we were okay. Poor girl. What a scary call.

That was enough for us. We got Bailey (quickly I might add) and closed ourselves into the bathroom. We spent 45 minutes in our bathroom. The storm came through and from our vantage point (huddled together on the floor of an internal room), it didn't sound too bad. The radio reports continued to urge people to take precautions. We stayed put until the storm cleared our area.

In hindsight, perhaps it was a little extreme. But honestly, we're not going to be those stupid people who don't take it seriously and then end up in the direct path of the storm with their child missing. I'd rather be overly cautious and look like an idiot than be a dumb ass and look dead.

So that was yesterday's festivities. Bailey and Kelly are home today because the daycare lost power and it was out all night. They have to shut down for health reasons (the food is spoiled and they have to be able to feed the kids).

Fun times.

Oh, and the icing on the cake? Bailey decided to poop about 10 minutes into our 45 minute bathroom experience. I can only imagine that the toilet inspired her. That smelled nice.

Reminded

This morning, while I was waiting for Bailey to get up, I decided to ease my frustrations with the Democratic party by aimlessly looking at pictures on Facebook.

I have this good friend of mine from college, John, who has traveled extensively. He is one of those really cool people who travels without a plan, without an agenda and immerses himself in the life and local culture of the place that he is in. He has done some amazing things. The stories, memories and pictures he carries are fantastic and just talking to him, you know that he has lived in ways that most of us never will. He is truly an amazing person to have in my life and my deepest hope is that Bailey will get to know him. In some ways he reminds me of my brother, Rodney. Like Rodney, John has friends everywhere. He knows people all over the world. He's laid back, fun-loving and smart. He can hold his own in any discussion and he knows when to shut up and drink and dance the night away.

So, I was scrolling through his pictures. Some from the British Virgin Islands, some from Brazil. And each picture was more amazing than the next. There were shots of him and his beautiful boyfriend on a stunning boat, sailing in amazing surroundings. Shots of them sliding down sand dunes into crystal blue water. Shots of stunning little towns in place I could never pronounce. Shots of him getting ready to hike, of beautiful cliffs, sleepy towns and local people. Honestly, he captures with his camera the flair and energy of his travels.

And I was so jealous. I spent a half hour dreaming about what my life could have been like if I were a different person and had made different choices. I was never a free spirit. I craved stability my entire life. One of the least important reasons that I fell in love with Kelly was her stability. But in those moments, I actually think I felt a pang of what might have been regret. Not real regret. But that tiny piece of my heart that carries my brother around, suddenly became a huge piece of my heart and I got that itch to travel and see things and places that I've never seen.

It made me sad. I looked around my stable bedroom, at my (what felt like in that moment) tedious life and imagined for just a minute who I could have been if I hadn't fallen in love with Kelly, gotten married, taken a 9-5 job, bought a house and had a baby.

Then I looked at the clock and felt frustration as I realized that it was 7:10 and Bailey was still asleep and I needed to get moving so that I could get her changed, dressed, fed, out the door to daycare and still catch my bus at 8:04. I closed my eyes for a minute and felt the wind on my face of some unseen country and then opened my eyes and got back to the business of everything that needed to get done.

I walked into Bailey's room, mentally timing out the next half hour, to make sure I could get it all done. Opening the door woke Bailey up, and she sat up, all sleepy eyed. She rubbed her eyes and grabbed her sleep rag, holding her arms out for me to pick her up. I did, reaching down and pulling her baby soft, sleepy warmness to my chest. We sat on the edge of the chair and she laid her head on my chest and snuggled deep into my arms. We sighed with each other, Momma and daughter. We sat like that, with my nose buried into her soft hair, my hand gently rubbing her back, her body pressed as close to me as she could be, her head on my breast, for about 5 minutes.

In those five minutes, I remembered, I felt with all my soul, every reason why I have made the decisions that I've made. My love for that child and for the life that Kelly and I have created, is so much more important than any traveling I may have done. In the end, those wonderful life experiences that I could have had, would have ended up as faded memories and photographs. But holding our daughter in my arms, I realized that she would never fade. She, and my wife, are my reasons for life itself.

Not Happy

I am so not happy with the Democratic Party right now. I know that there are many Obama supporters who read this blog, and please know that I mean no disrespect. But I don't like the man and I don't believe his rhetoric about change.

I am one of those angry Clinton-supporters. And I'm very angry. My gut says this is wrong, but I also can see that I am having an emotional response to a political situation. I am not on the trail with Clinton or Obama and maybe I'm wrong.

I don't see how he can win. I don't believe that he can. I think we're going to get another four years of a Republican president and I think McCain is awful.

Obama has a lot to do to win my support. I hope he doesn't offer Hillary the VP slot. And if he offers, I hope she doesn't take it. I would hate to see her take number two to a man that I don't believe in.

I see two options. To vote a Democratic ticket to support my party or to not vote. Since I openly mock people who don't vote, it's probably a safe bet that I will vote against what my heart says is right.

For now, I'm checking out of politics. I don't believe in the system anymore and I don't believe that the right person has the nomination. To say that I feel left behind by my party is an understatement. If I could convince myself that McCain wouldn't screw the country, I'd vote Republican. But that will never happen. I am a Democrat, and I believe the party deserves my loyalty, even when I completely disagree with the direction.

Onward to November.

Our Promise To You

Bailey,

We promise to love you, unconditionally, for the rest of the time we are together on this planet.

We promise to set limits and expect you to follow them, and to understand when you are just too tired, hungry or cranky to NOT push those limits.

We promise to expect you to take school seriously, and to dedicate ourselves in whatever ways you need to help you succeed.

We promise not to set standards of success by grade scores, standardized tests or salary, but rather help you find and develop the standards that will make you feel sucessful.

We promise to show you ways that you can be give back to the world, and we promise to be right by your side, giving our share with you.

We promise to teach you about fiscal responsibility early, by making you earn your allowance and by allowing you to spend and save what you earn on the things that are important to you.

We promise to accept the love (or loves) of your life without judgement.

We promise to remain whole individuals, with a life outside of yours, so that you can see two strong women living fully in their worlds.

We promise to love each other, and to express that love in many ways, so that you can learn what real, honest love looks like.

We promise to help you find peace when you need, offer comfort when you can find it, and move through pain and grief when it comes. Because it will.

We promise to not shield you from real life, but rather help you see the world around you with clarity and understanding.

We promise not to expect too much.

We promise to apologize and be honest when we are wrong. And we will be.

We promise to let you take the lead when it is appropriate, even if we are uncomfortable with the choices you make.

We promise to teach you how to drive as soon as you get your permit.

We promise that we will clearly explain our expectations of your behavior and when you do not live up to those expectations, we promise that the punishment will fit the crime.

We promise that we will not be your friend. We will be your parents.

We promise that when you are an adult, if you want two more friends, you'll have them.

We promise that you will always have a place to call home as long as we are alive.

We promise to plan, save and invest so that you will not have to care for us financially when we are old.

More than anything, Bailey, we promise that you are safe with us. That we will never hurt you and that we will provide a place for you to run to when you need it. We love you.

A Day In The Park

We had an absolutely lovely weekend! I mean, honestly, the best weekend we've had since before Bailey was concieved.

It all started on Friday night. Bailey went to bed as usual, but didn't get up in the morning until 9:00 AM. And she didn't wake up on her own. At 9:00 AM Kelly was chomping at the bit and had to go wake her up. She was still sleeping peacefully. We did all of our shopping and she was a perfect angel. She hung out in the cart without too much drama and then, after having been so good, was allowed to walk (holding my hand of course) through PetSmart. She did without having one fit and without trying to make a break and escape. Once we got home, she ate like a champion (think, a full cup of squash, soy hot dogs, no-sugar applesauce and enough watermelon to drown her) and then went down for her nap. Where she slept for 3 hours. She was up again, happy as could be. Had a great dinner and then we played outside for a long time. She went back to bed, super-happy and sleepy.

She slept until 10:00 AM on Sunday morning. And again, she slept that late on her own. When we finally woke her up, she was still sleeping. We woke her up and again, she was just a ball of sunshine. Honestly. The most perfect little angel. She ate a hearty breakfast and then we were off for a day at Watkins Regional Park. I was needing to get out and enjoy the hot weather. We have been searching for a playground close to home and some space for us to enjoy. Well, this place delivered!!! It was absolutely fantastic!!! The playground was huge with an infant section that was fantastic. There was huge open fields, tennis courts, walking and hiking trails. A wonderful nature center designed for children with birds, walk-in cabins and all kinds of really cool interactive stuff. There is a train that takes you on a 10-minute ride through the park. An old fashion merry-go-round. And a working farm. It was absolutely awesome. Best of all, everything is free. The only cost is $1 for the train ride per person and $1 for the merry-go-round. We had an absolutely fantastic time. Bailey loved it all.

The only issue arose when it was time to eat lunch. We grabbed our cooler, threw down our blanket, got out our sandwiches and were promptly swarmed by flies. It was absolutely gross!!! But, all in all, it was a great day.

Bailey fell sound asleep on the way home and stayed that way for another three hours. We had a great night again last night and then she slept like a champion.

Talk about an easy weekend. I realize now how much I need to cherish the down times like this. They are rare, but when the come, they are fantastic. As for me and Kelly...well, let's just say we enjoyed the time alone.

Shit Blogger

I know, I'm a bad blogger (I can almost see Andrea nodding her head in agreement right now). I could offer up the same old reasons, but I'll save you the wasted words.

Bailey is finally recovering from her latest round of illness. After a trip to the ER on Memorial Day night and then a follow up trip to her pediatrician on Tuesday, it was determined that Bailey had double ear infections, hand/food/mouth disease, a yeast infection and very swollen gums from teething. Poor girl! She was in lots of pain and was a complete mess. We never realized about the various ailments because she never had a fever and all her other symptoms were classic teething.

She is now recovering with the help of antibiotics and is finally herself again.

Everything else is status quo. I think that is why I don't write as often as I should. Not much changes when you have a baby. I mean, we do the same things each day. Her schedule is our schedule. We're up at 4 AM every morning and in bed by 8:30. We don't really watch TV, so I can't even talk about that.

Work is going fine for both of us. We are perpetually busy. I'm finally getting used to having my coworker out and have picked up her slack without too much trouble. I'm busier. And honestly, I've made some stupid mistakes. But my boss is incredibly understanding and hasn't had any problems. Reviews are next week and she's hinted that I'll get a great raise (in a down economy, I'm happy about that). So all is good. We're doing our thing.

The highlight of June for me is Pride. I'm super excited. I'm going to try to figure out a way to get out dancing at the girl parties. It may happen. It may not. Kelly probably won't join me. It's just not her thing and I don't want to force her to do what she isn't interested in doing. Then there is the issue of how to get back home. I guess I'll have to party without drinking. Which is fine. Or maybe not go. We'll see.

Anyway - some picture are below. Most of you have probably already seen them from the email, but maybe not! Enjoy in any event!

Mothering

I had a friend on MySpace write a blog about her mother and it got me thinking about my own. As with any mother-daughter relationship, Mom and I have struggled more with our relationship since I've gotten older.

At first, I wanted to blame her. She didn't give me enough, she wasn't present enough. She didn't call often enough. She wasn't interested in the person I've become. She hated me for leaving Maine and for settling away from her.

Once I worked through the initial stages of anger (which took a long time), I got to place of pure hurt. I still believed all of the above, but I wan't angry about it. I blamed myself. I found ways that didn't exist that I must be at fault. I manufactured my own human failings to explain what I thought must have caused her dislike of me.

And now, I'm in a different place. Over the past year, I've come to realize one very important fact. My mother never failed me and she never failed as a person. She simply, like every other parent in this world, couldn't live up to the idealized standard that I had set for her. As it turns out, my mother is human. She is not a super human. She doesn't have mystical powers to fix what is broken with me, she can't read my mind, she can't be everything to me that I might need in any given moment. More than that, she has human feelings. Perhaps she did feel hurt and a bit betrayed when I moved to DC and made my life here. Afterall, I am her daughter and my life happens for the most part outside of her daily life. That would make me sad. And maybe even angry. But because she is my mother, I didn't allow her to have those feelings and I certainly didn't validate them.

It's funny, this relationship thing. I think, in all ways, I expected that my mother would never be any different than the person that I thought she was. The thing is, though, is that we are often not fully ourselves with our children. I know that I am not my entire person with Bailey. She sees the parts of me that she needs to see and the parts of me that I can allow myself to be when I am parenting her. For instance - Bailey is not a part of my love affair with Kelly and she never will be. And yet, that is a huge, huge part of what defines me as a person. And when Bailey is older, I may make decisions that come from that part of me. And Bailey will probably not understand those decisions. Why would she? It's a part of me she doesn't know.

I think I'm rambling, and making my point badly.

I guess, what it all comes down to is that growing up for me, in the context of my relationship with my mother, has been hard. It is difficult, no matter how much understanding I try to inject in my thinking, to accept that I am not the center of my mother. Perhaps that is selfish, but it is also honest. And, I think, natural. I think it's a good thing that I was so attached to the woman who birthed and raised me. I think these are good struggles, and if I could remove myself emotionally from them, I would probably be quite pleased with what I'm seeing.

But I can't remove myself. There is still the part of me that wants to be the first factor in my mother's life. Even though I would be very, very angry if I actually was. Does that make sense?

I see now that mothering an adult is a nearly impossible task. I understand, in some ways, why so many mothers and daughters who had great relationships grow apart. The women that I know who have untouched relationships with their mothers are women who really didn't ever change the dynamic. Their mothers still live for them.

And while that sounds nice, it wouldn't be what I wanted for myself or my mother. I get so jealous sometimes when I'm talking to my coworker. Her mom lives five minutes away from her and is their childcare provider. She is there at every major event, for every major milestone and the two are, essentially, best friends. That sounds nice. Except then, I think about myself when I am mothering an adult. When Bailey is all grown up and living her life, I am not going to live my life for her. That is going to be my time to re-fire my love affair with Kelly, to travel, to be the Mikki that exists outside of Bailey.

And when I am honest with myself, that is all my own mother has done. She morphed into a person. A full person with a life, with dreams, with hopes, with love and with daily functions that are completely outside of her children. As a woman, I am proud of her. As her daughter, I am lost without her.

I'm not sure where it goes from here or even that there is a destination to be found. My mother and I will forever be entwined in each other's lives in whatever ways we choose to put each other there. We have history and a story and what the future brings, I cannot say.

What I do know, and can say for perhaps the first time in my adult life, is that at it's very core my relationship with my mother cannot be defined as a friendship. Our relationship cannot be changed in a way that makes it easier for us, because to do that would mean that I would lose the most essential part of how I define myself. When it comes to my mother, I am a daughter. I choose that relationship and that definition because to do any less would be dishonorable and dishonest to the woman I call my mother. And to the love that I have for her.

What's New?

In a word, nothing. Honestly, things are perpetually crazy in our life and chaotically wonderful.

We are looking forward to our long weekend. Not much doing except a birthday party for dear Danny on Monday. Maybe we'll BBQ. Maybe we'll have a picnic. Maybe we'll sit on the floor with our Bailey and let the house go to shit and the laundry remain undone. Not likely. But maybe.

I'm excited about Pride this year. My plan is to get us to march with the family contingent. I say "my plan" because I have not yet secured a "yes" from Kelly. I am unlikely to secure one until a couple of days before the event...LOL! But, we'll at least go to the parade.

I love being around all those gay people. I love the gay boys. I love all the butch dykes. I love being surrounded by people who love like me and who have families like mine. It makes me feel comfortable and at peace. Perhaps, it's because I know that I am always surrounded by people who are different than me. I don't know.

In someone else's life, Kelly and I would go out on Pride night to the dyke parties happening all over town. I'd get drunk, dance till I wanted to fall over and be surrounded by beautiful women. Then, I'd sleep late the next day and have a late brunch with my wife after a night of partying.

That's someone else's life, though. In reality, we'll take our very tired child home after the parade. She'll fall asleep in the car and that will be that!

Transition

Our baby is no longer a baby. It's official.

She is being transitioned into "Toddler 1" at daycare. This means that she will have a set napping schedule, she will nap on a cot rather than in a crib, she will have scheduled "outside time" on the playground, she will eat at a table, in a little chair with a fork and spoon. It also means that she'll have new teachers, a new room full of bunches of new toys and activities and her friends. Recently, all the kids her age are being moved - it'll be nice for her to be in a room of kids 12-24 months.

To that end, Kelly and I have begun talks of transitioning her at home into a toddler bed. And killing her use of the binky. As it is now, she only uses it when she is going to bed. She only has formula right before bed.

Within the next two months, she will be broken completely from the binky, will no longer drink formula and will have learned how to use a cup (no more sippy cups), and will either have been moved or will be close to moving into a toddler bed at home.

Dear god. That's a toddler.

Nana & Pappy!

This weekend, Nana and Pappy are coming from West Virginia to see Bailey (and us...LOL). It's going to be a fun weekend - and relaxing for us. It's always nice when there are extra hands in the house to entertain Bailey. Not that she is much work these days, but still...

And it'll be good for them to see each other!!!

Crazy How Big She's Getting!!!

It looks bad, but damn, the girl loves it!!!



Her latest trick...feeding herself. She just recently figured out the spoon.



The Doll House her Nana and Pappy got for her first birthday!

It's The Litte Things

My love is about the little things. If I had to, I couldn't pick the one quality that made me fall in love with Kelly. In all honesty, when I fell in love with her, I didn't know her. I believe that I have loved Kelly since the second I started breathing on this planet, and my only task was to wait the 18 years it took me to find her. But the things now that I love about her seem so small. And yet, when I add them up, they are the total of my heart.

It's the little things. It's the way that she smiles at me when I'm getting out of the car after work. It's the cold, clamminess of her hands at night as we're laying in bed and she's just put a ton of lotion on them. It's the way that no matter how many times she shaves her legs, they are never quite smooth. It's how when she's sick, the only thing that can comfort her is putting her head on my shoulder. It's how she sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night, frantic, thinking that we're going to roll over on Bailey even though she never shared our bed with us. It's the way that she looks fresh from the shower, with water on her eyelashes. It's watching her eyes go from sky blue to stormy gray and then back again. It's in the simple way that she touches me without thinking about it. The satisfied look in her eyes when we're all sitting at the table sharing dinner. It's the way that she checks her blackberry and always apologizes because she knows how much it annoys me. It's because of our last kiss of the day when we are both sleepy and the way her breath smells in the morning.

It's because I know all of these things about her and she knows them about me. It's in every good, bad, fantastic, horrible moment we've ever had.

I look at her every day and every day I fall in love again. Not because of any one thing, but because of all of them.

No, Not Me

I found myself thinking today about newly single people. I'm not sure why - for sure, my relationship is rock solid. But I was thinking about it.

It must be so strange. I mean, you've planned your life with someone. The road, for as long as you can see it, has this other person in it. You share responsibilities, obligations, history, stories. There is one person in the world that knows you as they know themselves - completely, deeply and without blinders. It's the person that you've whispered in the night with, shared dreams and fights and made love to. It's the person with whom you've laid your plans and whose hand you hold as you chase your dreams.

And then, they are not.

What a strange concept.

I guess, because I've never been in a situation where I fell out of love, I don't get it. I've never understood divorce for that reason. How do you just leave someone? I suppose that a divorced person would say that life becomes better when the inevitable finally happens. But that is hard for me to understand.

Anyway. Random thoughts from the one square inch of my brain that is not dedicated to being a mother.

Nuttin' Much

I would blog more if I had more to write about. I fear that I get tedious with my stories of commuting, cleaning, sleeping, grocery shopping, caring for our child, loving my wife, working and then getting up to do it all again. The details are boring. And not much changes, really.

But, we did have a wonderful Mother's Day. Bailey and I got Kelly a picture frame. One of those really dorky kinds that has sculpty clay. I rolled it out while she was eating and then cleaned her hands. The next few minutes of trying to get her to press her hand into the clay in any meaningful way were challenging. I ended up with a passable hand print, not quite centered on the clay, with some grime and cat hair thrown in for good luck. At this point, I began to work on the detailing- putting her name and date and some cutsey little message about how much Mommy is loved. Bailey picked that time to be "ALLLLLL DONE" with being in her high chair. When I didn't immediately react to pick her up and remove her from the high chair of hell, she began to scream. Loudly. Then she would pause. A few seconds later, more loud screaming. It took me a few minutes to get the messages written into the clay. They were sloppy and too thin to be seen from a distance. But, damn it, that picture frame went into the oven.

Can't say I didn't try! And Mommy seemed quite happy with it.

I got brunch at Mimi's - which is exactly what I was wanting. There is nothing like a warm coffee cake muffin and a monterey omlet with fresh avacado to make me a happy woman!

Karen spent some time with Bailey later in the day and Kelly and I actually got to spend a couple of hours alone. We went shopping. For Bailey. And then rushed back home to be with her, because honestly, we just plain missed her. She is our joy, our light, our center. And even much needed time alone seems to pale when she's not with us.

Guess that is how you know you've really transitioned into being a parent.

Happy Mother's Day everyone! Hope yours was a wonderful as ours!

1 Year Check Up

Her stats:

Her weight is 25.8 pounds (97th Percentile)
Her height is 33 inches (or 2 feet, 9 inches) (97th Percentile)
Her head is normal - exactly in the 50th percentile

She has 5 teeth that have popped through and one more that is so close they counted it as pooped through. She has two more on the bottom and then she'll start working on getting her molars.

She is a big child. Everything is proportionate, but she is the sized of an average 17 month old.

They did a development check, of course, and Bailey generally has advanced skills. Most of her development is on track for a child who is 24 months. That she feeds herself with a fork and is saying more than 10 words seemed especially surprising to them.

Of course, as proud as I am, we can't take much of the credit. Bailey is an adventurer and she's been learning a lot while exploring her world. Because of her size, she is often put with older children at daycare and that helps the development. She's also super curious and very busy. If she sees us doing something, she wants to do it.

She watched me very intently the other day as I was going to the bathroom. She watched me pull the toilet paper off the roll and wipe with it. A few minutes later, I found her pulling the toilet paper off the roll and trying to wipe with it. LOL - good baby steps towards potty training.

Another funny story. Last night, we had curry turkey. It's a good, rich, spicy curry and I absolutely love it. I gave Bailey a couple of bites. She freaked out!!! She couldn't get the spicyness off her tongue. She kept sticking it out and wiping at it, but it the spicy stayed. She hated it. I couldn't help but laugh at her. It was funny. What can I say? Kelly, of course, felt terrible and took care of the cuddling and cooling of the mouth with bits of watermelon and water. (Really, though, it was hysterical).

Back to the appointment.

She had three shots. One in her leg, and one in each arm. Man - the girl can cry when she is really upset. Honestly, it was very difficult. I hate to see her hurting, even if it is only for a second and for a very good cause. I've got a pretty high threshhold when it comes to dealing with Bailey's distress, but it got to me. I have to admit it. I struggled not to cry as I was pinning my freaking out child to my chest.

She curled up on my chest, all drawn up like she did when she was tiny, and let out big heaves and sighs when it was finished. On the way to daycare, she fell asleep.

All in all, the appointment was fine. I'm glad to know that she is healthy. They seemed pleased that she is weaned down to only 6 ounces of formula at night. They raved about her diet. They raved about her development and skills. It was a very parenting-affirming visit.

And I'm glad she's healthy. Did I mention that?

Blah

All is well. We're all doing fine. Busy as hell. Kelly in a conference all week and I'm doing both ends of the day care pick up. That's hard. I don't seem to have any time at work. And yet, here I am at work and I'm not working. Go figure.

Work is crazy. My coworker had her beautiful baby girl and for about 10 seconds I was jealous of her maternity leave. Then I remembered and now I'm not so jealous. Anyway.

Summer is coming. We spend most nights outside. Bailey loves the flowers that are growing. She points and touches and gets all excited. She tries to say flower, but it comes out all wrong. She's getting there. She sings now. "eieio". Very funny. And cute.

She's still an eating champion - her favorite is fruits and veggies. Right now, "white trees" are what she's loving (cauliflower) and carrots. And blackberries. She's also digging grapes, strawberries, brocolli and endamame. I love that she is a good eater. She refuses to eat spinach or kale. LOL.

She's in a love-bug stage. She likes to hug and snuggle a lot. This is her first real stage like this. She's far to "busy" all the time to spend much time loving. Lately she's wanted us much more than usual. It's sweet.

Not much else to tell. K and I are doing fine - being good wives to each other while we juggle everything else. We've got a rhythm and it's working.

One Year

It's amazing to think that it has been a year. A whole year that Bailey has been in our lives.

I wish I had words that could describe how wonderful this child is. I assume that every parent feels this way, and even sill, I can't begin to imagine anyone loving Bailey any more than we do. Bailey was born years and years ago, on the phone when we were first dating. We talked about having babies one day. We knew we would do it, the "when" was the only question. She was born when we first walked through the door of our home and decided to buy because we could see children running around the open floor plan. She was born over and over again as we laid beside each other in bed, talking, dreaming and hoping for the future. She has existed in our hearts, as a dream that we nurtured along and shaped our lives for.

And on that day that we found out we were pregnant, she was born into our lives and we are forever changed.

Bailey, someday you will read this and I hope you know how much you are loved. There are two people in this world would stop at nothing to see your happiness and your life become what you will someday dream it to be. We are your biggest champions and we will stand by you, no matter what, forever. You are our dream. Our love come true. You are the greatest gift I could ever give your Mommy and the greatest gift she has ever given me.

Happy Birthday to you, our love.

Love In The Extreme

Yesterday, as I was driving home from the parking lot where the bus drops me off, I heard a song. It had been a long, long day with a couple of major problems at work. My coworker is leaving and things are crazy. Honestly, work is going to be tough for the next four months.

But as I was driving home, I heard Edwin McCain's "I'll Be." I have posted the lyrics before, and they have always reminded me of Kelly. Her love for me is immense and being loved by her is like stepping out into the warm sun when you're ice cold. She is my heart, my soul...my love.

But as I was singing along to this lyric:

"You're my survival, you're my living proof, that my love is alive...and not dead"

I found myself picturing not Kelly, but our Bailey. Our little love who has taught me the true meaning of love without end, hope without fear, selflessness without selfishness.

She is everything to us. Our whole world is wrapped up in that little girl who made our family complete. Perhaps someday we will bring another child into this world, but for right now, for today, Bailey is the love of our lives.

For anyone who is interested in a written account of post partum depression that very closely mirrors what I went through, read "Down Came The Rain" by Brooke Shields. Kelly got me the book for my birthday, and I cried my way through it as I remembered the experiences of the first six months of Bailey's life. I've shared a lot, but I could never share it all. She does a great job of describing it.

Of course, the written word can never capture the fear, shame, guilt and anger that plagued me. It is, however, a short read that portrays her experience in a way that can be understood by those who haven't gone through post partum depression.

And what a sharp contrast my feelings are now. I'm not sure if the tears I cried when I was reading were because I was remembering or because I was so thankful that I made it through that alive and have come out the other side. I'm not sure it matters.

First Year Photos

Here are the first year photos we got taken of our Bailey on Saturday. Can you believe that she is almost a year old???

Long and Rambling

I've become a bad blogger again. After keeping up with this at least once a day for a while, I got lost in real life again!

I'm back, but I must say that I will probably not be back every day. A big change is happening at work. I am one of two coordinators in an office of four. There is my boss - our manager - me and CJ (the two coordinators) and then Morrice - our assistant.

Well, CJ is scheduled to be induced to have her baby on May 3rd. She is planning to work Monday - Thursday of this week. After Thursday, I'm on my own. Because of the economic slowdown, the firm is not going to replace her in any capacity (unless of course you count my overtime as replacing CJ). I'm going to spend the next 16 weeks working my ass off.

Not that I mind or begrudge her the time with her daughter (of course), but it will effect my reality.

Anyway - the point of that is to say that I'm gonna be busy...super busy.

We had some unexpected downtime this weekend. Bailey hasn't been feeling well and yesterday she took a 3 hour nap. Seriously. Got up at around 7:15 and then went back to bed for 3 hours at 9:30. For the first hour and a half, Kelly and I worked frantically to get stuff done. I was washing our sheets and scrubbing our bathroom (something that SORELY needed to be done). I try to do that while she is sleeping because I use all kinds of chemicals (I know, I know...but they make me feel cleaner, if I'm not!). As I was madly scrubbing away, she never woke up.

Eventually, Kelly finished her banking stuff and moved on to grilling lunch. I finished the bathroom and then we remade the bed. She grilled while I showered. Still, no Bailey. I went downstairs after my shower (which wasn't short), and did the dishes, cleaned up her toys and got her lunch ready. Kelly grilled 3 packages of soy hot dogs and 16 turkey burgers (we all love them, they are healthy, quick and low fat!). Still, no Bailey.

FINALLY, just as I was finishing prepping lunch, Bailey woke up.

It's funny because there was never really a minute where to stopped to relax. It felt like an unexpected gift to get a bunch of shit done...but not really relaxing. And we missed her the entire time. We kept asking each other - "have you heard her yet?" When she finally woke up, we were so happy!!!

She slept all night, straight through and is just now waking up. Literally, 13 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I can't remember what that feels like!

I'm Grateful

It seems like it's time for another list of what I am grateful for:

1) We can afford our mortgage. In a time when many, many people are having to foreclose, we are still doing alright, even with two car payments and a new baby.

2) Our jobs are economy-proof. Again, this means a lot right now.

3) We can still afford to contribute 10% of our income to retirement.

4) Retirement is still an option for us.

5) Our health insurance, life insurance, vision insurance, dental insurance and all the other perks of working for a major corporation and a government agency are still in tact.

6) We are all healthy.

7) Most of the people that I know are being sheltered from the worst of the financial recession that nobody will call a recession.

8) We can choose to travel if we want too.

9) We can still afford to buy fresh fruit, fresh veggies and organic dairy products.

10) Our families are healthy and happy.

11) We're going to become Aunts again (Congratulations, Jodie and Thomas!!)

12) We have each other - come what may, we have each other.

There are a million other things I'm grateful for, but I see the kind of toll that the economic downturn is having on many people. I watch folks who just can't make the ends meet any more and I am so grateful that we are not in that position. Don't get me wrong - we're not rolling in the dough by any means. But we can afford our choices and that means something. It's something I am proud of (because we've made good choices) and it's something I am grateful for (because even when you make good choices, life is not always that simple).

Ray of Sunshine

Wow...Bailey has just taken a 180 degree turn from the baby she was in her first three months. You remember - the dreaded crying days.

She is now such a little love. She smiles and giggles all the time. She is friendly, excited and happy most of the time. The few times that she isn't are directly related to food or sleep (usually, she needs one or the other). She is incredibly smart. She is funny and inquisitive. She is actually pretty easy going - she doesn't mind running errands all day and she's fine with being at day care. She's good with people. Her development is either on track or beyond.

God, she's just such a perfect child right now. I wouldn't mind freezing time and enjoying this a bit longer. I know she'll change at some point. Next week will bring a whole new version of this child that I love so much. Kelly and I are fine with that...but man, we both just love the little baby that she is now and the little girl that she is becoming.

THIS is the part of parenting that I dreamed about for years.

B's First Birthday Party

That's right. Even though our ticker still hasn't ticked off her first birthday, Bailey's party was this past weekend.

My mom, my best friend and my brother were in town for the festivities and helped me and Kelly throw a rockin' good party.

Good lord. What a bunch of work!!!

BUT, it was exactly what we wanted it to be. There were a few kids, one baby (our favorite little boy, Danny and his two moms) and lots of our neighbors and friends. Bailey was inundated with lots of new toys to play with and Sunday night I made the switch (boxed up too-young toys, moved older toys upstairs for evening play, and set out her new toys downstairs for frequent exploration).

Andrea (my best friend) and I made a wonderful birthday cake that was the highlight of the event. It was a large circle with a star shaped cake on top. We frosted with vanilla and then covered the cake in primary colored fondant stars. I have pictures, of course, and will post them later. I feel like it was the best part of the party...

Bailey did great - she loved the crowds, loved having people around, loved opening presents, loved her first taste of real sugar (she got her own mini star cake) and didn't seem at all upset by the loud singing. I wasn't surprised about that though...she loves the crowds.

By the time the house cleared out, it was too late to put her down for a nap, so we kept her up until 6:30. We brought her upstairs and did her bath and gave her the bottle. She fell asleep in my arms for the first time in many months (she usually puts herself to sleep in her crib after crying for a few minutes). She didn't wake up when I stood up and snuggled close when I hugged her. She slept solid for 13 hours. Poor, tired girl!!!

She was an absolute dream. No tears, no fear...just all smiles and happy baby joy.

All in all, it was very successful. I'm glad it's over for this year, but it was a great first birthday!

Been A While

Phew...so much has happened since I last wrote and I haven't had any time to sit and post.

Briefly (because there are a million things to do today), I'll try to fill you in.

1) I'm on vacation. Last week M-Thur. was complete hell. Work was exhausting and wretchedly busy with my boss and my coworker out two days with a nasty stomach flu and me preparing to be on vacation. Ugg. Makes me shiver just to think about how rough it was.

2) On Thursday night, some of my oldest and dearest friends flew in from Maine with their daughter. We spent Friday playing tourist on the National Mall - did the entire loop and then spent some time at the Natural History Museum. Saturday found us in Baltimore enjoying the Inner Harbor and the Maryland Science Museum and then the Melting Pot for dinner. Sunday was spent at the Zoo. Monday was Spy Museum day. All the time in between was a ton of laughs, many bottles of wine, lots of fantastic conversation and very little sleep. We had a fantastic time. And I think they did too. I think they left exhausted...but with lots of good experiences. I can't wait to see you guys again!!!! I love you!

3) Today, I'm alone. Tonight, I pick up my Mom and Andrea from the airport. I need to spend the rest of the day cleaning up the house, getting the guest room cleaned and the bed remade. I need to clean the bathrooms. I need to finish the laundry. Lots of "need to".

4) Kelly and I are finally getting prepared for Bailey's birthday party. It will be on Saturday and it's gonna be so much fun! We are having it a bit early so that my Mom and Andrea can be present. We have picked a theme and one night this week we're going out to get all the stuff that we need. I have a vision and it's going to be SOOOO awesome!! Because many of the folks who read this are coming, I can't share too much...

Okay. Well. That doesn't seem like a lot. But I'm exhausted!!!! I can't wait for Mom and Andrea to be here. They will happily occupy our little girl's time and give me some time off my feet, off baby duty and just time to relax. I can't wait...seriously.

Pictures and more news to come!