Reminded

This morning, while I was waiting for Bailey to get up, I decided to ease my frustrations with the Democratic party by aimlessly looking at pictures on Facebook.

I have this good friend of mine from college, John, who has traveled extensively. He is one of those really cool people who travels without a plan, without an agenda and immerses himself in the life and local culture of the place that he is in. He has done some amazing things. The stories, memories and pictures he carries are fantastic and just talking to him, you know that he has lived in ways that most of us never will. He is truly an amazing person to have in my life and my deepest hope is that Bailey will get to know him. In some ways he reminds me of my brother, Rodney. Like Rodney, John has friends everywhere. He knows people all over the world. He's laid back, fun-loving and smart. He can hold his own in any discussion and he knows when to shut up and drink and dance the night away.

So, I was scrolling through his pictures. Some from the British Virgin Islands, some from Brazil. And each picture was more amazing than the next. There were shots of him and his beautiful boyfriend on a stunning boat, sailing in amazing surroundings. Shots of them sliding down sand dunes into crystal blue water. Shots of stunning little towns in place I could never pronounce. Shots of him getting ready to hike, of beautiful cliffs, sleepy towns and local people. Honestly, he captures with his camera the flair and energy of his travels.

And I was so jealous. I spent a half hour dreaming about what my life could have been like if I were a different person and had made different choices. I was never a free spirit. I craved stability my entire life. One of the least important reasons that I fell in love with Kelly was her stability. But in those moments, I actually think I felt a pang of what might have been regret. Not real regret. But that tiny piece of my heart that carries my brother around, suddenly became a huge piece of my heart and I got that itch to travel and see things and places that I've never seen.

It made me sad. I looked around my stable bedroom, at my (what felt like in that moment) tedious life and imagined for just a minute who I could have been if I hadn't fallen in love with Kelly, gotten married, taken a 9-5 job, bought a house and had a baby.

Then I looked at the clock and felt frustration as I realized that it was 7:10 and Bailey was still asleep and I needed to get moving so that I could get her changed, dressed, fed, out the door to daycare and still catch my bus at 8:04. I closed my eyes for a minute and felt the wind on my face of some unseen country and then opened my eyes and got back to the business of everything that needed to get done.

I walked into Bailey's room, mentally timing out the next half hour, to make sure I could get it all done. Opening the door woke Bailey up, and she sat up, all sleepy eyed. She rubbed her eyes and grabbed her sleep rag, holding her arms out for me to pick her up. I did, reaching down and pulling her baby soft, sleepy warmness to my chest. We sat on the edge of the chair and she laid her head on my chest and snuggled deep into my arms. We sighed with each other, Momma and daughter. We sat like that, with my nose buried into her soft hair, my hand gently rubbing her back, her body pressed as close to me as she could be, her head on my breast, for about 5 minutes.

In those five minutes, I remembered, I felt with all my soul, every reason why I have made the decisions that I've made. My love for that child and for the life that Kelly and I have created, is so much more important than any traveling I may have done. In the end, those wonderful life experiences that I could have had, would have ended up as faded memories and photographs. But holding our daughter in my arms, I realized that she would never fade. She, and my wife, are my reasons for life itself.