Vacation Time?

I'd love to take a vacation. A real one. You know, one of those kinds where you pack your stuff and head out of reality for a week or so.

I'd like that.

We're working hard right now. Work for both of us is a bitch...but that story never changes. Bailey is going through a bunch of transition stuff and is super clingy and in need of lots of reassurance. This isn't a problem at all, but it is exhausting to be a child's jungle gym and to have to hold her while you do the little things like make dinner, do the dishes, serve dinner...well, just about everything. Last night a major meltdown occurred when I had to put her down for 30 seconds while I put the Mexican casserole in the oven. Even I'm not good enough to hold her, lift a heavy casserole into a 400 degree oven and still keep her safe.

Or maybe I am, but I'm sure as shit not going to try.

The transition to a new room at daycare has proven to be the only change in Bailey's life that has thrown her for a loop. Her new care providers are fine and the room is actually a better room for her to be in, with more stimulating toys, a better schedule, meals at tables with silverware and chairs, no binky, no bottles, sleeping on cots. All good things. But Bailey is struggling a bit. I think she feels out of her element and unsure of herself for the first time. When we leave her, she is usually just standing by herself watching the craziness of all the other children around her. When we pick her up in the afternoons, she is often playing outside...except that rather than playing, she is sitting on her teacher's lap, watching the others. For our outgoing, lead-the-pack kind of girl, this is an oddity.

No doubt, this is a big transition for her. Toddler 1 is a very big change from Infant 2. Every face is different and the two women who have been caring for her since she was 11 weeks old are no longer in her room. She doesn't see them.

I'm absolutely convinced that she is just plain nervous. She is old enough to understand the change and to assign a quality to it. Rather than just accept, she is trying to figure out if she is going to be okay.

The good thing, though, is that her teachers adore her. She is sleeping just fine - taking 2-3 hour naps on her cot with the other children. She is eating just fine. The major functions that would stop if she were truly distressed are just fine. All indications point to her simply adjusting to a change.

But, as this long, drawn-out post suggests, her Mommy and I are struggling with it a bit. We know that she is feeling less than sure of herself. It is hard to think that she may feel unsafe or scared at any point. It's even harder to know that we think those feelings are for the best. We have both had the extremely difficult reality of leaving her while she is sobbing for us.

This is a tiny vision into what the future will be like. We cannot protect her from everything, and like it or not, her response to things may not always be positive...even if those things are in her best interest. It's so hard to stand by, for the first time, and watch her navigate her world and realize that we cannot (and will not) prevent every bad thing that might happen from happening.

It has really driven the point home, for me anyway, that we are witnesses and Shepard's to a journey that is not ours to make or define.