Our new lawyers successfully started yesterday and all the work, preparation and aggrevation paid off. It was a completely successful day. More orientation over the next couple of days, but the first day is always the most important. I think we did good.
Anyway.
First, our doctors appointment. We went in for our regular 18 week check up on Friday. The lesson of the day is never, ever schedule OB appointments in the afternoon. After waiting an hour (while Kelly got progressively hungrier and crankier), we finally met with our doctor. Actually, we met with the only male doctor in the practice. We are at one of those places where any one of our doctors may be the one on call when we deliver...we've now met them all. I was a bit apprehensive about meeting the male doctor, but he was wonderful and now we really don't care who delivers us.
The appointment was short and sweet. We heard a very healthy heartbeat. I'm guessing the number was in the high 150's. I say guessing, because when I asked him what the heart rate was his response was "It's a great heartbeat, 160 is just about average." I assume that to mean that his or her heartbeat was right up there with average. I also failed to see what the measurement was, although he did take it this time. He didn't tell us, and I didn't ask. Kelly scolded me later for that. Kelly has gained 12 pounds so far. She is right on track with the expected weight gain. She's a bit worried because 7 of those 12 pounds were gained in the past four weeks. But we continue to believe that it's because she is no longer as nauseous all the time and able to eat. And she's been craving sweets. No issues with the weight, but there you have it.
The other information to come from the appointment was a theory that seems to fit about why Kelly was having chest pains. Our doctor told us about this thing that happens when the joint that connects your breast bone and your ribs becomes inflamed. It can cause heart-attack like symptoms, but then generally just goes away. When inflamed, it hurts to breath at all because the expanding lungs push on the joint, causing it to move. It's the movement that causes the pain. It's common in pregnant women who vomit, because the vomitting can cause the inflamation. We were relieved and happy to finally have something that fits both the symptoms and the reason why it just stopped.
In other baby news, Littler Honey has become active. Kelly feels him or her at least once a day and the feelings are becoming more obvious. It's such a joy for me every time she says the baby moved. I like that. It's reassuring. Now...if only I could feel him or her. Kelly is popping quite a bit. I will be posting a "photo" post after this one with some new pictures of Bailey and the 18 weeks belly shot. It's not much different from the 16 week photo, but her belly is definately changing. She's getting fuller at the top of her belly and you can really see the definition between her "normal" tummy and the baby belly. It's really quite beautiful...
Bailey is doing very, very well. She is mimicking every word we say and usually with a high degree of accuracy. She's such a happy baby girl. She is the light of our lives. She's eating well, finally has 8 teeth and is sleeping the "right" number of hours. She's still the charmer she always was. Interestingly, she is going through a clingy phase with us. She's not really into anyone but Kelly and I and with us, she is very into being held, hugged and close. Not that we mind. There really isn't anything better than a super-huge hug from Bailey. She's a big girl...size 3T already.
Kelly and I are gearing up for potty training. Bailey is ready. All that we need to do is get onboard and start the process. She tells us when she has peed and when she has pooped. Sometimes she is wrong, but she does try to tell us. We need to make it happen. For some reason, we haven't jumped on it. Not sure why.
My final piece of update is that I wanted to share my great weekend. I have spent a lot of time recently being frustrated and putting that out there. This weekend was such a departure from that frustration that I have to share it. Everything was basically normal, except that Kelly and I were gentle and kind to one another. We loved each other the way we used to when we have all kinds of free time and no worries other than each other. We spent all of the time that Bailey was sleeping over the couple of days together, rather than working or doing chores. We watched a movie, we snuggled in bed. We talked. We hugged. It was fantastic and much needed for both of us.
And then, on Sunday, Bailey and I had a completely fantastic day together. I'm not really sure why, but we just both really enjoyed each other all day. We played in the kitchen (her in the sink, me cooking and doing food prep for the week). Kelly watched football and did little stuff here and there. And then, at the end of the day, after being cooped up inside because of rain all weekend, Bailey and I went outside to play. I pushed her on her bike and we stomped in puddles in our bare feet. When it started to rain again, we ran inside to the garage. Bailey stood looking at the rain and then took my hand and pulled me out into it. She twirled around, getting soaked, and stamped her little feet in the puddles and giggled the whole time. We played in the rain together for about 15 minutes. At the end, we were both cold and wet and my soul was brimming with joy. That girl gets to the very best places in me. It's funny, ironic, perfect that it took my daughter pulling me out in the rain and twirling around to help me find my center.
9/30/2008
9/29/2008
I'll Write More Later
Today is the big day - 25 new laywers starting today. I've got lots to update you all on - doctor's appointments, Kelly's chest pains, dancing in the rain with our wonderful daughter and an absolutely luxurious, fantastic, no-work, all play, love my wife kind of weekend.
I'll write more later. I promise! For now, I'm off to orient 25 newbies.
I'll write more later. I promise! For now, I'm off to orient 25 newbies.
9/23/2008
Rage On, Dear Friends
Sorry it's been a while since I've written. Seems like time warps sometimes.
Since I've last written, Our Littler Honey has made what seems like tremendous growth. Kelly's tummy has just popped right out there. She is still wearing pretty big and baggy clothes, so when seen by normal people, she looks "slightly" pregnant. She could still pass if you didn't look for a long time. But with her clothes off...dear lord, people! Her little tummy is not little anymore. It pops right out. She is carrying very low, but starting to fill out in the top part of her belly. Her belly button has become hollow - you can see all the way to the bottom and the sides are flat instead of creased. Her belly is smooth and by the evening, the skin is quite tight. She is beautiful naked, and while I wouldn't share that vision with anyone, I kind of wish that people could see her. She has a beautiful pregnant body.
She is still sick and still on Zofran every six hours. We keep waiting for the sickness to stop, but it really hasn't. With that said, it is much, much more manageable than it was in the early stages. The only time that she vomits is in the morning and that is becoming rare. Perhaps once or twice a week. She is nauseated a lot, though. I think she is afraid to come off the Zofran. Eventually our doctors will just pull her off and that will be that. But for now, the Zofran comforts her and prevents serious nausea.
She is emotionally exhuasted from the effort of being pregnant. Being sick for three months straight, every single day, is rough. I think she's reached the when-the-fuck-will-this-be-over stage. And we still have a long way to go.
We have our next doctor's appointment on Friday. Our regular 4-week check up. Hopefully all will be well and we'll hear a healthy heartbeat. There is certainly no reason to suspect otherwise, but that heartbeat is damn comforting.
Kelly hasn't felt the baby kick since the first time. It's still pretty early for that, though, so we are not worried. Besides, it's only exciting the first 100 kicks or so...LOL!
The 20-week ultrasound is in about 2 1/2 weeks. We super-anxious about it. We haven't seen the baby since he or she was a tiny blob with a heartbeat. It will be nice to see a human-esque image. More importantly, if all goes well, we will have a name to put with the baby once it is over. That seems like such an important thing this time around. We both can't wait.
Bailey is now able to say both of the names that we have selected. It's really funny. She rolls them around in her mouth and some version of them comes on out. She's super cute about it. The other day, she came up to me and patted my belly and said "baby". We've been doing that with Kelly's belly for a couple of months now. She's obviously confused about the concept, but it is still cute. It's going to be funny to see how she reacts to the newborn. LOL. Funny or not...
Everything else is status quo. It will be nice when life slows down a bit and the holidays come. We are very much looking forward to the holidays this year...
Since I've last written, Our Littler Honey has made what seems like tremendous growth. Kelly's tummy has just popped right out there. She is still wearing pretty big and baggy clothes, so when seen by normal people, she looks "slightly" pregnant. She could still pass if you didn't look for a long time. But with her clothes off...dear lord, people! Her little tummy is not little anymore. It pops right out. She is carrying very low, but starting to fill out in the top part of her belly. Her belly button has become hollow - you can see all the way to the bottom and the sides are flat instead of creased. Her belly is smooth and by the evening, the skin is quite tight. She is beautiful naked, and while I wouldn't share that vision with anyone, I kind of wish that people could see her. She has a beautiful pregnant body.
She is still sick and still on Zofran every six hours. We keep waiting for the sickness to stop, but it really hasn't. With that said, it is much, much more manageable than it was in the early stages. The only time that she vomits is in the morning and that is becoming rare. Perhaps once or twice a week. She is nauseated a lot, though. I think she is afraid to come off the Zofran. Eventually our doctors will just pull her off and that will be that. But for now, the Zofran comforts her and prevents serious nausea.
She is emotionally exhuasted from the effort of being pregnant. Being sick for three months straight, every single day, is rough. I think she's reached the when-the-fuck-will-this-be-over stage. And we still have a long way to go.
We have our next doctor's appointment on Friday. Our regular 4-week check up. Hopefully all will be well and we'll hear a healthy heartbeat. There is certainly no reason to suspect otherwise, but that heartbeat is damn comforting.
Kelly hasn't felt the baby kick since the first time. It's still pretty early for that, though, so we are not worried. Besides, it's only exciting the first 100 kicks or so...LOL!
The 20-week ultrasound is in about 2 1/2 weeks. We super-anxious about it. We haven't seen the baby since he or she was a tiny blob with a heartbeat. It will be nice to see a human-esque image. More importantly, if all goes well, we will have a name to put with the baby once it is over. That seems like such an important thing this time around. We both can't wait.
Bailey is now able to say both of the names that we have selected. It's really funny. She rolls them around in her mouth and some version of them comes on out. She's super cute about it. The other day, she came up to me and patted my belly and said "baby". We've been doing that with Kelly's belly for a couple of months now. She's obviously confused about the concept, but it is still cute. It's going to be funny to see how she reacts to the newborn. LOL. Funny or not...
Everything else is status quo. It will be nice when life slows down a bit and the holidays come. We are very much looking forward to the holidays this year...
9/18/2008
Perspective
Just a bit of perspective - yesterday was a rough day. Obviously. But I wouldn't want anyone (Kelly included) to think that I'm not happy overall or satisfied with my life. I am, but there are days when I can't see the forest for the trees. I get lost in the every day crap and forget that I'm actually happy where I am.
The problem is that "happy" is an overall term. So I can be both happy with my life and miserable in the moment. Sometimes, I'm both happy in the moment and happy in my life. Overall, things are good.
I have a great friend who emailed yesterday and reminded me not to get stuck in the always/never trap. In other words the "it's always going to be this way, things will never change." I do get stuck there sometimes, although I think that I keep some perspective most of the time.
Things are not really different today. All the same needs are there and the same reality of not getting those needs met is still there. Maybe it's sleep deprevation, but I don't feel nearly as fatal about it today. It's all perspective, I guess.
The problem is that "happy" is an overall term. So I can be both happy with my life and miserable in the moment. Sometimes, I'm both happy in the moment and happy in my life. Overall, things are good.
I have a great friend who emailed yesterday and reminded me not to get stuck in the always/never trap. In other words the "it's always going to be this way, things will never change." I do get stuck there sometimes, although I think that I keep some perspective most of the time.
Things are not really different today. All the same needs are there and the same reality of not getting those needs met is still there. Maybe it's sleep deprevation, but I don't feel nearly as fatal about it today. It's all perspective, I guess.
9/17/2008
It's Midnight
It's midnight and I am blogging because I need to do something before calling it a night.
Turns out I did make it home in time for the bath. Here is how it happened:
Over the past few days, Kelly has been having weird pain in her chest. Not in her lungs. Nothing that could be easily described or explained away. After three days (two of which the pain was pretty severe), she decided to go to the hospital. She went without me this morning, assuring me that she was just being silly and that they would tell her it was gas and send her home. Being as stressed as I was, I accepted that answer.
She called me at 2:30 and told me that I would need to pick Bailey up. They had done an EKG, lots of blood work testing her gall bladder, liver and for clots. Because she is pregnant and cannot do a CAT Scan to check for blood clots in her chest, they had to do an ultrasound on her legs to see if there was any sign there.
I immediately jumped into the car and headed to the hospital. When I arrived, she was sitting and waiting for the results. About 20 minutes after I got there, the doctor came in and told her that everything was clear. It's not a clot, she has no heart issues, there isn't really anything to explain it. So they sent her home with a warning to watch the signs.
We had a lovely evening with Bailey and then I got to work. The clock is about to strike midnight and I am going to bed. In 4 hours my alarm is going to go off to greet me (kick me) into a new day.
Hopefully a better one than today has been.
Turns out I did make it home in time for the bath. Here is how it happened:
Over the past few days, Kelly has been having weird pain in her chest. Not in her lungs. Nothing that could be easily described or explained away. After three days (two of which the pain was pretty severe), she decided to go to the hospital. She went without me this morning, assuring me that she was just being silly and that they would tell her it was gas and send her home. Being as stressed as I was, I accepted that answer.
She called me at 2:30 and told me that I would need to pick Bailey up. They had done an EKG, lots of blood work testing her gall bladder, liver and for clots. Because she is pregnant and cannot do a CAT Scan to check for blood clots in her chest, they had to do an ultrasound on her legs to see if there was any sign there.
I immediately jumped into the car and headed to the hospital. When I arrived, she was sitting and waiting for the results. About 20 minutes after I got there, the doctor came in and told her that everything was clear. It's not a clot, she has no heart issues, there isn't really anything to explain it. So they sent her home with a warning to watch the signs.
We had a lovely evening with Bailey and then I got to work. The clock is about to strike midnight and I am going to bed. In 4 hours my alarm is going to go off to greet me (kick me) into a new day.
Hopefully a better one than today has been.
How I Really Feel
Today, I'm stressed. Very. Stressed. I shouldn't be taking the time out of my day to write this post, and yet I am. I need the breather from what I'm doing. So here I am. Typing and stressing.
So here is the thing. What I want to be doing right now is screaming at the top of my lungs.
This morning, as I was driving to work (yes driving...because once again the fucking bus didn't have enough seats and I couldn't wait any longer for the next bus). So as I was driving, I was listening to Pink. Very, very loudly. And I realized that I was bombing down the road, driving at 80-90 miles per hour, weaving in and out of traffic. I was, in fact, driving like a fucking maniac. All the while I was praying that the cops didn't see me and make me more late. And as I'm doing this, I'm realizing that I will not be able to leave work tonight before 7-8 PM (if I'm lucky) and that means that I won't be able to see my daughter or my wife before they go to bed. And I'll come home to a messy house, with dishes to do. I'll walk in exhausted, wanting nothing more than to sit out on my front porch and smoke a joint (there, I said it) and drink a beer. And I won't do either of those things. Instead, I'll do the dishes, clean up, scoop the poop, prep Bailey and Kelly's meals for tomorrow, and maybe watch 5 minutes of late-night news. Around 11:30 or so, I'll drag myself into bed, exhausted from a day that started at 5:30 this morning and my alarm will go off at 4 AM tomorrow. And I won't have hugged my daughter. I won't have participated in her bath. I won't have loved my wife.
So I was thinking about all of this, bombing down the road to a job I don't want to be at right now, and wondering who the fuck I'm supposed to get everything done. I mean, really. How? How am I supposed to be everything to everybody? And who the fuck is anyone to me? I mean, honestly, if I'm not taking care of me and nobody else is taking care of me (this is not to snap at Kelly, she's pregnant. She's off the hook, but it does leave me high and dry), then how I am supposed to get my needs met.
What I need is a break. A real fucking break. No work. No commute. No Bailey. No Kelly. No noise. No thought. No needs that I can or can't meet. No chores. No dishes. No cats. No bills and plans for the future. Nothing. Me. Alone. By the ocean. For at least a day. I need a chance to regroup, recenter, rejuvenate my very, very tired self.
And what I was really thinking as I was crazy-driving this morning is that no matter how much I may need it, I'm not going to get it. Because my needs are not important right now. And even if they are important, they are secondary to everyone else's needs and I just have to fucking deal with it.
So here is the thing. What I want to be doing right now is screaming at the top of my lungs.
This morning, as I was driving to work (yes driving...because once again the fucking bus didn't have enough seats and I couldn't wait any longer for the next bus). So as I was driving, I was listening to Pink. Very, very loudly. And I realized that I was bombing down the road, driving at 80-90 miles per hour, weaving in and out of traffic. I was, in fact, driving like a fucking maniac. All the while I was praying that the cops didn't see me and make me more late. And as I'm doing this, I'm realizing that I will not be able to leave work tonight before 7-8 PM (if I'm lucky) and that means that I won't be able to see my daughter or my wife before they go to bed. And I'll come home to a messy house, with dishes to do. I'll walk in exhausted, wanting nothing more than to sit out on my front porch and smoke a joint (there, I said it) and drink a beer. And I won't do either of those things. Instead, I'll do the dishes, clean up, scoop the poop, prep Bailey and Kelly's meals for tomorrow, and maybe watch 5 minutes of late-night news. Around 11:30 or so, I'll drag myself into bed, exhausted from a day that started at 5:30 this morning and my alarm will go off at 4 AM tomorrow. And I won't have hugged my daughter. I won't have participated in her bath. I won't have loved my wife.
So I was thinking about all of this, bombing down the road to a job I don't want to be at right now, and wondering who the fuck I'm supposed to get everything done. I mean, really. How? How am I supposed to be everything to everybody? And who the fuck is anyone to me? I mean, honestly, if I'm not taking care of me and nobody else is taking care of me (this is not to snap at Kelly, she's pregnant. She's off the hook, but it does leave me high and dry), then how I am supposed to get my needs met.
What I need is a break. A real fucking break. No work. No commute. No Bailey. No Kelly. No noise. No thought. No needs that I can or can't meet. No chores. No dishes. No cats. No bills and plans for the future. Nothing. Me. Alone. By the ocean. For at least a day. I need a chance to regroup, recenter, rejuvenate my very, very tired self.
And what I was really thinking as I was crazy-driving this morning is that no matter how much I may need it, I'm not going to get it. Because my needs are not important right now. And even if they are important, they are secondary to everyone else's needs and I just have to fucking deal with it.
9/14/2008
Littler Honey Update
This morning, at 5:30 AM, Kelly felt Littler Honey move for the first time! Bailey had woken up (incidentally with a fever) and I had gone into her room to tend to her. When I came back in into our bedroom to let Kelly know that Bailey had a fever, she told me that she has just felt the baby for the first time. She was resting herself backwards on a pile of pillow and blankets, so her belly was kind of stretched out at the time. She felt the feeling directly below her belly button. She described it as the same feeling that you have when you get those involuntary eye twitches. Very light, very faint, but very distinct.
AMAZING!!!! Now...I just have to wait until it's my turn to feel our Littler Honey.
Here is a 16 week belly shot. Just for comparison purposes, I've put the 14 weeks pregnancy shot in there. This is why my love has been so exhausted she can't think straight.
This was Kelly on August 29th (at just a few days past 14 weeks).
And this is Kelly today (at just a few days past 16 weeks).
AMAZING!!!! Now...I just have to wait until it's my turn to feel our Littler Honey.
Here is a 16 week belly shot. Just for comparison purposes, I've put the 14 weeks pregnancy shot in there. This is why my love has been so exhausted she can't think straight.
This was Kelly on August 29th (at just a few days past 14 weeks).
And this is Kelly today (at just a few days past 16 weeks).
9/12/2008
16 Weeks!
We've made it 16 weeks!!! We are 24 weeks away from this pregnancy being over (hopefully). 24 weeks away from holding our Littler Honey. 24 weeks away from introducing the person who will have the most significant impact on Bailey's young life yet. 24 weeks from becoming a ratio of 1-1 instead of 2-1. 24 weeks away from mind-blowing exhaustion and soul crushing happiness. 24 weeks from the jumping off point for the rest of our lives. 24 weeks from moving beyond the baby-planning and baby-making phase of our life. 24 weeks until we are a family of 4...just as we've always dreamed.
And only 28 days away from knowing if the little life inside of my beautiful wife's body is a little boy or girl.
Kelly said yesterday that she is just so anxious to know this time around. Last time we were much more calm about it - if we decided to know, fine. If not, fine. This time, we are chomping at the bit to put a name to the child we are growing.
This weekend is the county fair in our area. We are both looking forward to bringing Bailey and enjoying the fall festivities! We are going to do a bit of shopping, see the animals, play some games and eat some yummy fair-food. Kelly has already claimed that she will be eating fair french fries. I'm not sure what my treat will be. The first year we went, I was pregnant and ate a bunch of everything. The second year, Bailey was tiny, tiny, tiny and I carried her around in the sling all day. I think I ate fried dough. Why it matters, I don't know...but I always associate the fair with yummy fried food!
Have a great weekend, everyone!
And only 28 days away from knowing if the little life inside of my beautiful wife's body is a little boy or girl.
Kelly said yesterday that she is just so anxious to know this time around. Last time we were much more calm about it - if we decided to know, fine. If not, fine. This time, we are chomping at the bit to put a name to the child we are growing.
This weekend is the county fair in our area. We are both looking forward to bringing Bailey and enjoying the fall festivities! We are going to do a bit of shopping, see the animals, play some games and eat some yummy fair-food. Kelly has already claimed that she will be eating fair french fries. I'm not sure what my treat will be. The first year we went, I was pregnant and ate a bunch of everything. The second year, Bailey was tiny, tiny, tiny and I carried her around in the sling all day. I think I ate fried dough. Why it matters, I don't know...but I always associate the fair with yummy fried food!
Have a great weekend, everyone!
9/09/2008
Our Littler Honey
In other news...
Our Littler Honey is growing fast and furious if Kelly's belly and her sickness, exhaustion and moodiness are any indication. Her belly is definately showing now. She is still hiding behind clothes for the most part - you can see a bit when she's dressed, but not like when she is naked. When she is naked, she has the quintessential pregnant woman body. Her belly is smooth and round, her back starting to bow and her boobs are HUGE! LOL - my baby was always a small, never have to wear a bra kind of boob girl. Now, she is definately not. Her breasts shock her...and they delight me (even though they are off limits...LOL)! It's wonderful to see her usually skinny body take on the curves of motherhood. I think it's beautiful.
She is perpetually exhausted and can't seem to get enough sleep. This is par for the course, obviously, but it doesn't make it any easier. I got to sleep through my pregnacy. Kelly doesn't have that luxury. She's exhausted and sleeps hard when she finally gets to bed. But it's never early enough and never long enough. I try to let her sleep in on the weekends, but she wakes up and then knows that Bailey is up so she gets up too. Sleeping in is just not an option these days.
Her sickness is still a factor. The vomitting has mostly stopped, except for this morning. She was particularly queasy this morning and actually puked. She spends much of her time nauseated still, but not usually followed by vomitting. She's still on Zofran every 6 hours, but we're starting to think about pushing it back. We'll see how the next four weeks go.
I think that food is the biggest drama right now. She is hungry a lot but nothing ever sounds good. It's hard for her, because in her pre-pregnancy life if she was hungry but couldn't come up with something to eat, she just wouldn't eat. In fact, she kept her weight to a tiny 125 or less all through college using this method. LOL - I make that sound like a weight technique, but it really isn't. She would just not want to deal with food and so she wouldn't.
Well, of course, that isn't an option right now. She has to eat. But food that five minutes ago sounded good now doesn't. It's still very, very touch and go. She'll can force food in, but if it is the wrong food, she'll just get sick.
She's hit the depressed wall about food. The thought of having to deal with it has brought her to tears more than once. I try to take the pain out of it by having multiple options prepared and ready to go, but that is hard all the time. We are trying not to spend a bunch of money eating out, but whatever works. Kelly hates the topic.
As for the emotional side of things...well, Kelly is typical. She's moody and then she's not. She's emotional and then she's not. She clings then she doesn't. She cries at blips of movies that she sees, even when she doesn't know the plot or anything. Country songs make her cry. She is overwhelmed by everything sometimes. She doesn't want to go anywhere, doesn't want to do anything...but she's bored. The things that she used to take in stride annoy the shit out of her. In short - she's pregnant and hard to deal with and wonderful all at the same time.
The only shocking thing about this is the contrast from how she is when she's no pregnant. My honey is not an overtly emotional person. She is extremely emotional in many ways, but she doesn't exactly put that out there. Now, she can't help but put it out there. It's just where she is at. I love it some days and I hate it other days...just like any partner of a pregnant woman.
So...what does all of this mean? I think it means that Littler Honey is doing exactly what she or he needs to be doing right now...sucking all of his/her Mommy's resources, producing hormones that make his/her Mommy kinda crazy and growing like a weed! Grow baby grow!
Our Littler Honey is growing fast and furious if Kelly's belly and her sickness, exhaustion and moodiness are any indication. Her belly is definately showing now. She is still hiding behind clothes for the most part - you can see a bit when she's dressed, but not like when she is naked. When she is naked, she has the quintessential pregnant woman body. Her belly is smooth and round, her back starting to bow and her boobs are HUGE! LOL - my baby was always a small, never have to wear a bra kind of boob girl. Now, she is definately not. Her breasts shock her...and they delight me (even though they are off limits...LOL)! It's wonderful to see her usually skinny body take on the curves of motherhood. I think it's beautiful.
She is perpetually exhausted and can't seem to get enough sleep. This is par for the course, obviously, but it doesn't make it any easier. I got to sleep through my pregnacy. Kelly doesn't have that luxury. She's exhausted and sleeps hard when she finally gets to bed. But it's never early enough and never long enough. I try to let her sleep in on the weekends, but she wakes up and then knows that Bailey is up so she gets up too. Sleeping in is just not an option these days.
Her sickness is still a factor. The vomitting has mostly stopped, except for this morning. She was particularly queasy this morning and actually puked. She spends much of her time nauseated still, but not usually followed by vomitting. She's still on Zofran every 6 hours, but we're starting to think about pushing it back. We'll see how the next four weeks go.
I think that food is the biggest drama right now. She is hungry a lot but nothing ever sounds good. It's hard for her, because in her pre-pregnancy life if she was hungry but couldn't come up with something to eat, she just wouldn't eat. In fact, she kept her weight to a tiny 125 or less all through college using this method. LOL - I make that sound like a weight technique, but it really isn't. She would just not want to deal with food and so she wouldn't.
Well, of course, that isn't an option right now. She has to eat. But food that five minutes ago sounded good now doesn't. It's still very, very touch and go. She'll can force food in, but if it is the wrong food, she'll just get sick.
She's hit the depressed wall about food. The thought of having to deal with it has brought her to tears more than once. I try to take the pain out of it by having multiple options prepared and ready to go, but that is hard all the time. We are trying not to spend a bunch of money eating out, but whatever works. Kelly hates the topic.
As for the emotional side of things...well, Kelly is typical. She's moody and then she's not. She's emotional and then she's not. She clings then she doesn't. She cries at blips of movies that she sees, even when she doesn't know the plot or anything. Country songs make her cry. She is overwhelmed by everything sometimes. She doesn't want to go anywhere, doesn't want to do anything...but she's bored. The things that she used to take in stride annoy the shit out of her. In short - she's pregnant and hard to deal with and wonderful all at the same time.
The only shocking thing about this is the contrast from how she is when she's no pregnant. My honey is not an overtly emotional person. She is extremely emotional in many ways, but she doesn't exactly put that out there. Now, she can't help but put it out there. It's just where she is at. I love it some days and I hate it other days...just like any partner of a pregnant woman.
So...what does all of this mean? I think it means that Littler Honey is doing exactly what she or he needs to be doing right now...sucking all of his/her Mommy's resources, producing hormones that make his/her Mommy kinda crazy and growing like a weed! Grow baby grow!
Diaper Rash
Mommy and Momma are on the war path today.
Last night, when I got home, Bailey pooped and I changed her. Not such big news, huh? Except that as I started to change her, she screamed in pain and began kicking me , thrusting away from me and sobbing hysterically. She was slathered in diaper rash cream and poop, so there was no choice but to push forward and get her cleaned up. I enlisted Kelly's help. She had to pin her shoulders down and hold Bailey's head in between her knees while I pinned her legs back with one hand and proceded to clean her as gently as I could. No amuont of gentleness helps, though, when you are in that much pain.
Bailey had a raging diaper rash, all over her cha cha, in the crack of her bum and along the cheeks of her bum.
The thing is, this happened last Monday too. It took us all week to get the rash gone and then over the weekend, it went away completely. We took strident measures all week (hounding the daycare) and making sure that she stayed dry. So, you can imagine how pissed off we were that she shows up after one day at daycare with a diaper rash so bad that two adults had to restrain her while cleaning her up.
We are pissed.
Bailey has very, very sensitive skin. As such, we have some pretty strict diaper policies. We don't use wipes when she pees. Pee is sterile and until it hits open air, it's perfectly fine. So there is no need to wipe every time she pees. Instead, we fan her dry, to make sure that she is not left wet and put on a new diaper. We've been doing this since the day she was born and it works. When we do use wipes, we use 7th Generation wipes and as few as possible. Then, we fan her dry so that she is not left wet with the stuff on the wipes. We change her a lot, and always immediately after she poops. Of course, we are not perfect and we've screwed up occasionally. But she has never, ever gotten diaper rash this bad on our watch. In fact, she's never gotten a "rash" on our watch at all - maybe a little redness when she poops more than once or twice a day.
At daycare, they have a two-hour policy. They change her every two hours. Period. So, if she poops 15 minutes after she has been changed, we have absolutely NO confidence that they are not just leaving her in that poopy diaper until her diaper-timer has run out. And even if that isn't the case, obviously something isn't right. She gets this rash when she goes to daycare.
So, we're on the war path. We're doing a conference call with the director this morning and we're going to lay in on hot and heavy.
Because if I have to watch my child suffer like that again tonight, I will pull her ass out of that fucking daycare...and they certainly DO NOT want to deal with me that pissed off.
Last night, when I got home, Bailey pooped and I changed her. Not such big news, huh? Except that as I started to change her, she screamed in pain and began kicking me , thrusting away from me and sobbing hysterically. She was slathered in diaper rash cream and poop, so there was no choice but to push forward and get her cleaned up. I enlisted Kelly's help. She had to pin her shoulders down and hold Bailey's head in between her knees while I pinned her legs back with one hand and proceded to clean her as gently as I could. No amuont of gentleness helps, though, when you are in that much pain.
Bailey had a raging diaper rash, all over her cha cha, in the crack of her bum and along the cheeks of her bum.
The thing is, this happened last Monday too. It took us all week to get the rash gone and then over the weekend, it went away completely. We took strident measures all week (hounding the daycare) and making sure that she stayed dry. So, you can imagine how pissed off we were that she shows up after one day at daycare with a diaper rash so bad that two adults had to restrain her while cleaning her up.
We are pissed.
Bailey has very, very sensitive skin. As such, we have some pretty strict diaper policies. We don't use wipes when she pees. Pee is sterile and until it hits open air, it's perfectly fine. So there is no need to wipe every time she pees. Instead, we fan her dry, to make sure that she is not left wet and put on a new diaper. We've been doing this since the day she was born and it works. When we do use wipes, we use 7th Generation wipes and as few as possible. Then, we fan her dry so that she is not left wet with the stuff on the wipes. We change her a lot, and always immediately after she poops. Of course, we are not perfect and we've screwed up occasionally. But she has never, ever gotten diaper rash this bad on our watch. In fact, she's never gotten a "rash" on our watch at all - maybe a little redness when she poops more than once or twice a day.
At daycare, they have a two-hour policy. They change her every two hours. Period. So, if she poops 15 minutes after she has been changed, we have absolutely NO confidence that they are not just leaving her in that poopy diaper until her diaper-timer has run out. And even if that isn't the case, obviously something isn't right. She gets this rash when she goes to daycare.
So, we're on the war path. We're doing a conference call with the director this morning and we're going to lay in on hot and heavy.
Because if I have to watch my child suffer like that again tonight, I will pull her ass out of that fucking daycare...and they certainly DO NOT want to deal with me that pissed off.
9/05/2008
14 Week Baby Bump
Our Littler Honey at 14 Weeks. Not much difference from the last picture! My "pop" happened between 19 and 21 weeks last time. We'll see when Kelly's "pop" happens.
TGIF
This has been a long, hard week. Work is picking up like crazy as both Kelly and I are headed into our busy seasons. I had a cold all weekend, that was at its worst yesterday. It seems to have broken up some overnight. There has been lots of head-down, nose-to-the-grindstone work this week and not much else.
With that said, Bailey is doing magnificent. Her latest roster of words includes slide, water, book, outside, bike, rock, birdy, blue, doggie, cat, and a bunch of others that escape me at 5:59 AM. Her vocabulary really is huge and there is never any trouble communicating with her. She even tells us when she has gone poop or pee. We're thinking that means that we need to start working the potty. *sigh* Why do I have a block about the potty??? I guess that is another blog.
Kelly and Littler Honey are doing alright. The sickness has become sporadic, rather than constant. It is still intense when it comes, but Kelly is finally feeling good enough to not say that she feels horrible all the time. Littler Honey is 15 weeks today! We are 3/4 of the way through the first half. Or, as Kelly just said, we are five weeks away from being halfway there.
We have our 20-week ultrasound scheduled for October 10th at 8:30 in the morning. We will know if our Littler Honey is a boy or a girl at that time...if we are lucky. LOL - watch, just because we want to know this time, our baby will be shy and we won't find out!
I shouldn't jinx us that way.
No big plans for the weekend. With the rain, I suspect we'll spend quite a bit of time at the indoor pool. It's a great way to get some of the energy out...and it's beneficial all around! But first, we have to get through this crazy Friday.
With that said, Bailey is doing magnificent. Her latest roster of words includes slide, water, book, outside, bike, rock, birdy, blue, doggie, cat, and a bunch of others that escape me at 5:59 AM. Her vocabulary really is huge and there is never any trouble communicating with her. She even tells us when she has gone poop or pee. We're thinking that means that we need to start working the potty. *sigh* Why do I have a block about the potty??? I guess that is another blog.
Kelly and Littler Honey are doing alright. The sickness has become sporadic, rather than constant. It is still intense when it comes, but Kelly is finally feeling good enough to not say that she feels horrible all the time. Littler Honey is 15 weeks today! We are 3/4 of the way through the first half. Or, as Kelly just said, we are five weeks away from being halfway there.
We have our 20-week ultrasound scheduled for October 10th at 8:30 in the morning. We will know if our Littler Honey is a boy or a girl at that time...if we are lucky. LOL - watch, just because we want to know this time, our baby will be shy and we won't find out!
I shouldn't jinx us that way.
No big plans for the weekend. With the rain, I suspect we'll spend quite a bit of time at the indoor pool. It's a great way to get some of the energy out...and it's beneficial all around! But first, we have to get through this crazy Friday.
9/02/2008
Middle Class Squeeze
Kelly and I realized last night that we fall right in the middle of the middle-class vice that is squeezing everyone. And it pisses us off.
We make good money, all told. We both have good jobs and our combined income is certainly not too shabby. Especially for two girls who are 29 and 33. With that said, we can't seem to put it all together in a way that makes sense. I don't want to bitch about our finances - because that would make Kelly uncomfortable - but we are both frustrated.
So, we're making some cuts. We have this triple play internet, phone and digital cable package that is a hold over from when I was on maternity leave. We're getting rid of it. We're getting rid of our at-home internet connection and phone entirely. We don't need a home phone - we both have cell phones and everyone knows those numbers. Call us on them. We're getting rid of the internet, because there isn't anything we can't do at work. We spend most of our time at work anyway. And we don't need the expense of at home internet service right now when we barely use it. Kelly is never online at home, and I don't need to be.
As for cable, we're stepping back down to our $16 a month plan. It'll give us the basics and that is all we need.
We're getting rid of other stuff too. Time to trim back down and make it all work.
Anyway - that has been on my mind.
This weekend was lovely. We had a fantastic time at the Renaissance Festival and Watkins Park. Bailey and I went swimming twice. We hung out with M&S and their sweet, sweet Danny. We spent time reconnecting and I cooked. I made a fantastic pork loin and turkey breast. Yummy!
We make good money, all told. We both have good jobs and our combined income is certainly not too shabby. Especially for two girls who are 29 and 33. With that said, we can't seem to put it all together in a way that makes sense. I don't want to bitch about our finances - because that would make Kelly uncomfortable - but we are both frustrated.
So, we're making some cuts. We have this triple play internet, phone and digital cable package that is a hold over from when I was on maternity leave. We're getting rid of it. We're getting rid of our at-home internet connection and phone entirely. We don't need a home phone - we both have cell phones and everyone knows those numbers. Call us on them. We're getting rid of the internet, because there isn't anything we can't do at work. We spend most of our time at work anyway. And we don't need the expense of at home internet service right now when we barely use it. Kelly is never online at home, and I don't need to be.
As for cable, we're stepping back down to our $16 a month plan. It'll give us the basics and that is all we need.
We're getting rid of other stuff too. Time to trim back down and make it all work.
Anyway - that has been on my mind.
This weekend was lovely. We had a fantastic time at the Renaissance Festival and Watkins Park. Bailey and I went swimming twice. We hung out with M&S and their sweet, sweet Danny. We spent time reconnecting and I cooked. I made a fantastic pork loin and turkey breast. Yummy!
8/29/2008
It's Raining Harder Than Ever...
But, I'm doing just fine today! We had our second doctor's appointment today and got to hear our littler honey's heartbeat. It was in the 150's, trending higher (towards the 160's). I'm not saying anything, but I'm going with the old wives tale...a heartbeat above 140 is a girl and below 140 is a boy. LOL - I truly don't care, though.
We got our 20-week ultrasound order, with a strict warning not to go in before we hit 20 weeks. We'll hit 20 weeks based on our calculated due date on October 10th, so that is the day that I'm setting it up for. They say that we are due one day later than we say we are due. Since their day falls on a Saturday, we're going with our day!!!!
This time, no secrets. We're finding out the gender and we'll share.
A word about gender this time - neither of us cares, and I'm the only one with a preference. If you were to tell me to pick, I'd pick a girl. Honestly, though, I don't care. There are some really cool things that would come with raising a son, and there are some really cool things that would come with raising another girl. We'll know in 6 weeks. Hopefully. I guess Littler Honey could be shy and not flash us. We'll see...
We got our questions answered and enjoyed a quick breakfast after the appointment. How wonderful it was to sit across a table for two with my beautiful wife and enjoy breakfast. How perfect to rectify my bluesy mood. I love her. God, I love her.
We fell asleep together last night and I ended up not waking her with my snoring. We slept the night through in the same bed. Therapy for the soul, I say...
We've got a lovely weekend planned - just chillin' with friends and hanging out. Hope you all enjoy yours!
We got our 20-week ultrasound order, with a strict warning not to go in before we hit 20 weeks. We'll hit 20 weeks based on our calculated due date on October 10th, so that is the day that I'm setting it up for. They say that we are due one day later than we say we are due. Since their day falls on a Saturday, we're going with our day!!!!
This time, no secrets. We're finding out the gender and we'll share.
A word about gender this time - neither of us cares, and I'm the only one with a preference. If you were to tell me to pick, I'd pick a girl. Honestly, though, I don't care. There are some really cool things that would come with raising a son, and there are some really cool things that would come with raising another girl. We'll know in 6 weeks. Hopefully. I guess Littler Honey could be shy and not flash us. We'll see...
We got our questions answered and enjoyed a quick breakfast after the appointment. How wonderful it was to sit across a table for two with my beautiful wife and enjoy breakfast. How perfect to rectify my bluesy mood. I love her. God, I love her.
We fell asleep together last night and I ended up not waking her with my snoring. We slept the night through in the same bed. Therapy for the soul, I say...
We've got a lovely weekend planned - just chillin' with friends and hanging out. Hope you all enjoy yours!
8/28/2008
Bluesy Like The Rain
I woke up this morning on the bluesy side of the bed. I don't think there is any real reason. I just feel like my life, the really important parts, are just slipping by while I am busy trying to do the things I've convinced myself need to be done.
I've been sleeping in the guest room. Before you get all worried, nothing is wrong with Kelly and I. I snore, so when she wakes up (as she does every hour or so) she can't get back to sleep. So she wakes me up to get me to stop snoring. But I'm a heavy sleeper, so I may roll over and stop for 5 minutes, but then I start again. Usually just as she's starting to fall asleep, thus waking her up. We've always been shitty sleeping companions, but pregnancy has made these usually tolerable problems horrible. I slept in the guest room during my pregnancy and I'm doing it now during hers.
The problem, though, that comes from this is that Kelly and I have always used our time in bed right before we fall asleep to connect on a level that we just can't during the day. It's our time to touch - to be as close to each other as we can be. We hold hands, put our heads and feet together. She warms up on me and I let her. We talk, giggle, dream or just lay together and enjoy the calm that comes from connecting with each other on an unspoken level. When all is "normal" we usually get about a half hour of time like this every day, and then we fall asleep holding each other. It's very, very important time.
I didn't notice the lack of this time when I was pregnant. Probably because I was pregnant, up every hour peeing and basically miserable. And I suspect that is where Kelly is now. She's probably not feeling the same loss that I am because she's busy doing some seriously difficult work. I said at the beginning of this pregnancy that I was excited to see the other side - the non-pregnant partner side. And Kelly told me that it was hard. I didn't believe her. Now I do.
I miss my wife. The stuff about us that makes us an us. We have so little of it right now, because by the time the day is done and Bailey is down, she is exhausted. She simply cannot give me what I am seeking, and the tiny little drops that she eeks out for me between her sickness and her exhaustion feel like insignificant drops in the bucket. I try to savor them and make it last until the next drop, but I end up just getting angry and frustrated. Of course, I'm not really angry and frustrated. I am lonely.
And yet, there is nothing to be done about it. This is where we are right now. Kelly is pregnant and has to be able to go through this pregnancy in whatever way gets her through it. I know about that. I know how hard it is. I also know that in a month or so, it will change again and she'll have a bit more energy. I'll look back on this post and feel bad that I ever felt so bad.
What's worse is that, in many ways, I don't feel like I should be having these feelings and that I certainly shouldn't express them. Kelly is taking on everything that I am feeling these days and blaming herself for any negative emotion I have. I've said a million times that the problem is not her. It's not. It's just where we are, but I can only experience what I am feeling. I can't lie to myself and say that I don't miss our intimacy. I would be a hell of a lot more upset if I didn't miss her. THAT would be a problem.
But I don't want for her to carry my shit. I don't want for her to feel bad. She is doing exactly what she needs to be doing. And I am doing what I need to do to get through this. She worries that I'm not excited about the baby, and I think it's because I'm experiencing difficulties right now. I don't know how to express that it has nothing to do with the baby. I AM excited. I can't wait. But our children are not the only things that make us a couple, and right now, the other parts of us are being overshadowed by this pregnancy.
I blame no one and I recognize that the only way through this is to go through it. I would not change anything. Well, maybe I would. I would change my own response to it. I wish that I could be light-hearted, easy going and chill about this. I wish I could see the bigger picture and not get so hung up on the details. I wish I could be a little less selfish and I wish I needed my wife a little less. It would make it all so much easier if I wasn't so...well...so "Mikki" about everything.
But I am who I am. I can't change that, and so I have to work through it in the only ways that I know how.
So, today it's raining outside which only makes my mood worse. I have to sit in an all day staff retreat and attempt to look engaged.
My consolation is that today is my day to pick up Bailey and I get to spend the evening with her. We love to cook dinner together for Mommy. Nothing makes me happier than having dinner ready for my love when she comes home, with a happy baby on my hip. I love the feeling of connectedness that brings, and so I will look forward to it all day. And then tonight, we will read our week-by-week pregnancy book. I will look forward to this private ritual and remember that today is just one day.
I've been sleeping in the guest room. Before you get all worried, nothing is wrong with Kelly and I. I snore, so when she wakes up (as she does every hour or so) she can't get back to sleep. So she wakes me up to get me to stop snoring. But I'm a heavy sleeper, so I may roll over and stop for 5 minutes, but then I start again. Usually just as she's starting to fall asleep, thus waking her up. We've always been shitty sleeping companions, but pregnancy has made these usually tolerable problems horrible. I slept in the guest room during my pregnancy and I'm doing it now during hers.
The problem, though, that comes from this is that Kelly and I have always used our time in bed right before we fall asleep to connect on a level that we just can't during the day. It's our time to touch - to be as close to each other as we can be. We hold hands, put our heads and feet together. She warms up on me and I let her. We talk, giggle, dream or just lay together and enjoy the calm that comes from connecting with each other on an unspoken level. When all is "normal" we usually get about a half hour of time like this every day, and then we fall asleep holding each other. It's very, very important time.
I didn't notice the lack of this time when I was pregnant. Probably because I was pregnant, up every hour peeing and basically miserable. And I suspect that is where Kelly is now. She's probably not feeling the same loss that I am because she's busy doing some seriously difficult work. I said at the beginning of this pregnancy that I was excited to see the other side - the non-pregnant partner side. And Kelly told me that it was hard. I didn't believe her. Now I do.
I miss my wife. The stuff about us that makes us an us. We have so little of it right now, because by the time the day is done and Bailey is down, she is exhausted. She simply cannot give me what I am seeking, and the tiny little drops that she eeks out for me between her sickness and her exhaustion feel like insignificant drops in the bucket. I try to savor them and make it last until the next drop, but I end up just getting angry and frustrated. Of course, I'm not really angry and frustrated. I am lonely.
And yet, there is nothing to be done about it. This is where we are right now. Kelly is pregnant and has to be able to go through this pregnancy in whatever way gets her through it. I know about that. I know how hard it is. I also know that in a month or so, it will change again and she'll have a bit more energy. I'll look back on this post and feel bad that I ever felt so bad.
What's worse is that, in many ways, I don't feel like I should be having these feelings and that I certainly shouldn't express them. Kelly is taking on everything that I am feeling these days and blaming herself for any negative emotion I have. I've said a million times that the problem is not her. It's not. It's just where we are, but I can only experience what I am feeling. I can't lie to myself and say that I don't miss our intimacy. I would be a hell of a lot more upset if I didn't miss her. THAT would be a problem.
But I don't want for her to carry my shit. I don't want for her to feel bad. She is doing exactly what she needs to be doing. And I am doing what I need to do to get through this. She worries that I'm not excited about the baby, and I think it's because I'm experiencing difficulties right now. I don't know how to express that it has nothing to do with the baby. I AM excited. I can't wait. But our children are not the only things that make us a couple, and right now, the other parts of us are being overshadowed by this pregnancy.
I blame no one and I recognize that the only way through this is to go through it. I would not change anything. Well, maybe I would. I would change my own response to it. I wish that I could be light-hearted, easy going and chill about this. I wish I could see the bigger picture and not get so hung up on the details. I wish I could be a little less selfish and I wish I needed my wife a little less. It would make it all so much easier if I wasn't so...well...so "Mikki" about everything.
But I am who I am. I can't change that, and so I have to work through it in the only ways that I know how.
So, today it's raining outside which only makes my mood worse. I have to sit in an all day staff retreat and attempt to look engaged.
My consolation is that today is my day to pick up Bailey and I get to spend the evening with her. We love to cook dinner together for Mommy. Nothing makes me happier than having dinner ready for my love when she comes home, with a happy baby on my hip. I love the feeling of connectedness that brings, and so I will look forward to it all day. And then tonight, we will read our week-by-week pregnancy book. I will look forward to this private ritual and remember that today is just one day.
8/27/2008
Another Political Rant
After listening to Hillary (this morning) and reading and listening to commentary on the speech, I can say that I will cast my ballot and I will cast it for Obama.
I have to say, though, that I am not happy. I am just not a fan. Perhaps I am cynical beyond repair. Perhaps I am not ballsy enough to have bought the "audacity of hope" bullshit. But folks, I do believe that everything out of that man's mouth is bullshit.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Change cannot, does not, and SHOULD NOT happen at the hands of one person. It should not happen quickly and it should not be undertaken because we are a nation that is in a frenzy of anger about the current environment. I get that everyone wants to believe that we've found our new Messiah. That we've found the guy who will take politics to a new level of respect and that we will all be able to focus on the objective and get the job done. I get that EVERYONE wants to believe that.
Here's the problem, though, folks.
#1 - not everyone has the same objective. There are many, many people out there who don't believe this war was a mistake. They don't think we should get out of it. They disagree with raising taxes to provide better health care, better schools, better highways. They are against civil liberties that I am for. They are against a women's right to choose. They believe that guns, in all forms, should be available. These people, and there are lots of them, are out there and they believe JUST AS STRONGLY in their positions as we believe in ours.
And, here's a thought...they are not wrong. They have the right and, in fact, the responsibility to believe what they feel is right and to fight for that. AND...they stand in the way of all this bullshit "change" theory that Obama is floating around. He can't just walk into office and disregard this HUGE group of voters and politicians. Even if he really believes he can. He will NOT succeed.
What's worse - he shouldn't succeed. How awful would this country be if we let one man (or even one party) decide what is best for all of us. Isn't that what we've all been bitching about for the last 8 years???
So, I'm not buying the "Yes we can" change shit. It's just that. It's shit. And if it actually does happen, I am going to be more pissed off than I will be when it doesn't happen.
#2 Problem - whether we like it or not, our system is bigger than a dream. Experience counts. If you don't believe that experience counts, just take a look at the last 8 years. We've had an inexperienced President before and look what has happened. I find it ironic, funny even, that so many Obama supports just gloss over the fact that he has very, very little national political experience and even less international political experience. Would you hire someone to run a college who had only spent 1 semester teaching freshman English? NO. Why not? Because they don't know to run a fucking college.
Same situation. It takes political savvy, support and EXPERIENCE to do a good job. Everyone seems to be bitching about entrenchment in the government...nothing like the "same old, same old" to piss everyone off. But come on, folks. Do you really want a novice running our country at such a crucial time? I don't.
With all this said, I'm voting for the man. Because I don't see any other option. I cannot, in good conscience, vote for McCain. While I think he is the more experienced candidate, and I believe he is more prepared to run the country, I can't vote Republican. On behalf of my wife, my daughter, our unborn child and myself, I will cast my vote for Obama.
But I don't think he can win. I think we're going to lose the White House. And my only hope in all of this is that when Hillary runs in 2012, we'll have snapped out of this stupid fucking rut that we've gotten ourselves into.
Audacity of hope you say? I've got none. The political system has failed me.
I have to say, though, that I am not happy. I am just not a fan. Perhaps I am cynical beyond repair. Perhaps I am not ballsy enough to have bought the "audacity of hope" bullshit. But folks, I do believe that everything out of that man's mouth is bullshit.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Change cannot, does not, and SHOULD NOT happen at the hands of one person. It should not happen quickly and it should not be undertaken because we are a nation that is in a frenzy of anger about the current environment. I get that everyone wants to believe that we've found our new Messiah. That we've found the guy who will take politics to a new level of respect and that we will all be able to focus on the objective and get the job done. I get that EVERYONE wants to believe that.
Here's the problem, though, folks.
#1 - not everyone has the same objective. There are many, many people out there who don't believe this war was a mistake. They don't think we should get out of it. They disagree with raising taxes to provide better health care, better schools, better highways. They are against civil liberties that I am for. They are against a women's right to choose. They believe that guns, in all forms, should be available. These people, and there are lots of them, are out there and they believe JUST AS STRONGLY in their positions as we believe in ours.
And, here's a thought...they are not wrong. They have the right and, in fact, the responsibility to believe what they feel is right and to fight for that. AND...they stand in the way of all this bullshit "change" theory that Obama is floating around. He can't just walk into office and disregard this HUGE group of voters and politicians. Even if he really believes he can. He will NOT succeed.
What's worse - he shouldn't succeed. How awful would this country be if we let one man (or even one party) decide what is best for all of us. Isn't that what we've all been bitching about for the last 8 years???
So, I'm not buying the "Yes we can" change shit. It's just that. It's shit. And if it actually does happen, I am going to be more pissed off than I will be when it doesn't happen.
#2 Problem - whether we like it or not, our system is bigger than a dream. Experience counts. If you don't believe that experience counts, just take a look at the last 8 years. We've had an inexperienced President before and look what has happened. I find it ironic, funny even, that so many Obama supports just gloss over the fact that he has very, very little national political experience and even less international political experience. Would you hire someone to run a college who had only spent 1 semester teaching freshman English? NO. Why not? Because they don't know to run a fucking college.
Same situation. It takes political savvy, support and EXPERIENCE to do a good job. Everyone seems to be bitching about entrenchment in the government...nothing like the "same old, same old" to piss everyone off. But come on, folks. Do you really want a novice running our country at such a crucial time? I don't.
With all this said, I'm voting for the man. Because I don't see any other option. I cannot, in good conscience, vote for McCain. While I think he is the more experienced candidate, and I believe he is more prepared to run the country, I can't vote Republican. On behalf of my wife, my daughter, our unborn child and myself, I will cast my vote for Obama.
But I don't think he can win. I think we're going to lose the White House. And my only hope in all of this is that when Hillary runs in 2012, we'll have snapped out of this stupid fucking rut that we've gotten ourselves into.
Audacity of hope you say? I've got none. The political system has failed me.
8/26/2008
Ellen Says it Best
Here is my quote for the day, from the calendar my lovely wife gets me every year at Christmas!
"'Normal' is getting dressed in clothes tha you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you ar still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."
Amen, sister.
"'Normal' is getting dressed in clothes tha you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you ar still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."
Amen, sister.
No Sleep and Progress
Things seem to be par for the course around here. Kelly is starting to move back up the hill of feeling better. She vomits only in the mornings, right after getting out of bed. The rest of the day she is okay. She still feels extremely nauseated if she forgets to take her Zofran, though, so we know that she is not in the clear yet. Her appetite is finally picking up, also. She can eat more and figuring out what to eat isn't such a chore. I wouldn't want to give the impression that we are completely through it, but we are definitely headed in that direction.
Her sweet, sweet little baby bump is becoming less of a "bump" and more of an obvious pregnant belly. This past weekend, Kelly finally gave in and we did the necessary shopping for some maternity shirts. Can I just say that I am extremely disappointed in maternity clothes. As a large woman, I had a hard time and shopping for Kelly was equally as difficult. See, they don't make gender-neutral maternity clothes. It's all girly, frilly, lacy and CRAPPY. All the shirts are low cut to show off cleavage. The sleeves are puffy. Yuck. Even I couldn't stand the options. We found some maternity button down oxfords on JCPenny.com....I'm hoping those will work. We did leave the store with one black suit, five shirts and a pair of gray pants. That's a good start.
We have a doctors appointment on Friday. We will get our slip for our 20 week ultrasound at this appointment. We will try to hold off and not go in until the end of September or first week of October. We are pretty anxious to get a view of this littler honey...we haven't had any pictures at all since the heartbeat confirmation at 7 weeks!!! Feels like we got more ultrasounds in the first pregnancy...
I got no sleep last night. Bailey has this thing where she will go a couple of nights without sleeping. Seriously, she woke up every 45 minutes last night, just wanting to be held and comforted. Of course, I did...her cry is so pitiful and despondent in the middle of the night. But lord, I'm tired today. Between 11 PM and 4 AM, I was up with her 7 times. *sigh*
Her sweet, sweet little baby bump is becoming less of a "bump" and more of an obvious pregnant belly. This past weekend, Kelly finally gave in and we did the necessary shopping for some maternity shirts. Can I just say that I am extremely disappointed in maternity clothes. As a large woman, I had a hard time and shopping for Kelly was equally as difficult. See, they don't make gender-neutral maternity clothes. It's all girly, frilly, lacy and CRAPPY. All the shirts are low cut to show off cleavage. The sleeves are puffy. Yuck. Even I couldn't stand the options. We found some maternity button down oxfords on JCPenny.com....I'm hoping those will work. We did leave the store with one black suit, five shirts and a pair of gray pants. That's a good start.
We have a doctors appointment on Friday. We will get our slip for our 20 week ultrasound at this appointment. We will try to hold off and not go in until the end of September or first week of October. We are pretty anxious to get a view of this littler honey...we haven't had any pictures at all since the heartbeat confirmation at 7 weeks!!! Feels like we got more ultrasounds in the first pregnancy...
I got no sleep last night. Bailey has this thing where she will go a couple of nights without sleeping. Seriously, she woke up every 45 minutes last night, just wanting to be held and comforted. Of course, I did...her cry is so pitiful and despondent in the middle of the night. But lord, I'm tired today. Between 11 PM and 4 AM, I was up with her 7 times. *sigh*
8/24/2008
8/22/2008
First Timester - DONE!
That's right. Now that we are fully 13 weeks pregnant, we are finished with our first trimester. We are looking forward to this next trimester tremendously! Kelly will hopefully start feeling better and start getting bigger. Also, this will be the trimester of the holidays! LOL - can you tell I'm excited??
In any event, rather than do a weekly post about development, I'm going to post the full events of the second trimester. This is pretty cool...
Fetal development: What happens during the second trimester?
Fetal development takes on new meaning in the second trimester. Your baby will begin to look like a newborn — and may even be able to hear you! As your pregnancy progresses, your baby may begin to seem more real. You may hear the heartbeat at your prenatal appointments, and your enlarging abdomen may force your favorite jeans to the back of the closet.
Fetal development takes on new meaning in the second trimester. Your baby will begin to look like a newborn — and may even be able to hear you! As your pregnancy progresses, your baby may begin to seem more real. You may hear the heartbeat at your prenatal appointments, and your enlarging abdomen may force your favorite jeans to the back of the closet.
While you're adjusting to the changes in your body, fetal development takes on new meaning. Two months ago, your baby was simply a cluster of cells. Now he or she has functioning organs, nerves and muscles. You may be amazed by how much your baby changes from week to week.
Week 13: Baby flexes and kicks (incidently, we're already finished with this...according to the Mayo Clinic, your 13th week is the first week of your second trimester. We actually feel like the 13th week is the last week of the 1st trimester...but what do we know??)
You can't feel it yet, but your baby can move in a jerky fashion — flexing the arms and kicking the legs. This week, your baby might even be able to put a thumb in his or her mouth.
Your baby's eyelids are fused together to protect his or her developing eyes. Tissue that will become bone is developing around your baby's head and within the arms and legs. Tiny ribs may soon appear.
You can't feel it yet, but your baby can move in a jerky fashion — flexing the arms and kicking the legs. This week, your baby might even be able to put a thumb in his or her mouth.
Your baby's eyelids are fused together to protect his or her developing eyes. Tissue that will become bone is developing around your baby's head and within the arms and legs. Tiny ribs may soon appear.
Week 14: Hormones gear up
The effect of hormones becomes apparent this week. For boys, the prostate gland is developing. For girls, the ovaries move from the abdomen into the pelvis.
Meconium — which will become your baby's first bowel movement after birth — is made in your baby's intestinal tract. By the end of the week, the roof of your baby's mouth will be completely formed.
The effect of hormones becomes apparent this week. For boys, the prostate gland is developing. For girls, the ovaries move from the abdomen into the pelvis.
Meconium — which will become your baby's first bowel movement after birth — is made in your baby's intestinal tract. By the end of the week, the roof of your baby's mouth will be completely formed.
Week 15: Skin begins to formYour baby's skin starts out nearly transparent. Eyebrows and scalp hair may make an appearance. For babies destined to have dark hair, the hair follicles will begin producing pigment. The bone and marrow that make up your baby's skeletal system are continuing to develop this week. Your baby's eyes and ears now have a baby-like appearance, and the ears have almost reached their final position.
Week 16: Facial expressions are possibleSixteen weeks into your pregnancy, your baby is between 4 and 5 inches long and weighs a bit less than 3 ounces. He or she can now make a fist. Your baby's eyes are becoming sensitive to light. More developed facial muscles may lead to various expressions, such as squinting and frowning. Your baby may have frequent bouts of hiccups as well. For girls, millions of eggs are forming in the ovaries.
Week 17: Fat accumulates
Fat stores begin to develop under your baby's skin this week. The fat will provide energy and help keep your baby warm after birth.
Fat stores begin to develop under your baby's skin this week. The fat will provide energy and help keep your baby warm after birth.
Week 18: Baby begins to hear
As the nerve endings from your baby's brain "hook up" to the ears, your baby may hear your heart beating, your stomach rumbling or blood moving through the umbilical cord. He or she may even be startled by loud noises. Your baby can swallow this week, too.
As the nerve endings from your baby's brain "hook up" to the ears, your baby may hear your heart beating, your stomach rumbling or blood moving through the umbilical cord. He or she may even be startled by loud noises. Your baby can swallow this week, too.
Week 19: Lanugo covers baby's skin
Your baby's delicate skin is now protected with a pasty white coating called vernix. Under the vernix, a fine, down-like hair called lanugo covers your baby's body.
Your baby's kidneys are already producing urine. The urine is excreted into the amniotic sac, which surrounds and protects your baby. As your baby's hearing continues to improve, he or she may pick up your voice in conversations — although it's probably hard to hear clearly through the amniotic fluid and protective paste covering your baby's ears. Thanks to the millions of motor neurons developing in the brain, your baby can make reflexive muscle movements. If you haven't felt movement yet, you will soon.
Your baby's delicate skin is now protected with a pasty white coating called vernix. Under the vernix, a fine, down-like hair called lanugo covers your baby's body.
Your baby's kidneys are already producing urine. The urine is excreted into the amniotic sac, which surrounds and protects your baby. As your baby's hearing continues to improve, he or she may pick up your voice in conversations — although it's probably hard to hear clearly through the amniotic fluid and protective paste covering your baby's ears. Thanks to the millions of motor neurons developing in the brain, your baby can make reflexive muscle movements. If you haven't felt movement yet, you will soon.
Week 20: The halfway point
Halfway into your pregnancy, your baby is about 6 inches long and weighs about 9 ounces — a little over half a pound. You've probably begun to feel your baby's movements.
Under the protection of the vernix, your baby's skin is thickening and developing layers. Your baby now has thin eyebrows, hair on the scalp and well-developed limbs.
Halfway into your pregnancy, your baby is about 6 inches long and weighs about 9 ounces — a little over half a pound. You've probably begun to feel your baby's movements.
Under the protection of the vernix, your baby's skin is thickening and developing layers. Your baby now has thin eyebrows, hair on the scalp and well-developed limbs.
Week 21: Nourishment evolves
Although the placenta provides nearly all of your baby's nourishment, your baby will begin to absorb small amounts of sugar from swallowed amniotic fluid. This week, your baby's bone marrow starts making blood cells — a job done by the liver and spleen until this point.
Although the placenta provides nearly all of your baby's nourishment, your baby will begin to absorb small amounts of sugar from swallowed amniotic fluid. This week, your baby's bone marrow starts making blood cells — a job done by the liver and spleen until this point.
Week 22: Taste buds develop
This week, your baby weighs in at about 1 pound.
Taste buds are starting to form on your baby's tongue, and your baby's brain and nerve endings can process the sensation of touch. Your baby may experiment by feeling his or her face or anything else within reach. For boys, the testes begin to descend from the abdomen this week. For girls, the uterus and ovaries are in place — complete with a lifetime supply of eggs.
This week, your baby weighs in at about 1 pound.
Taste buds are starting to form on your baby's tongue, and your baby's brain and nerve endings can process the sensation of touch. Your baby may experiment by feeling his or her face or anything else within reach. For boys, the testes begin to descend from the abdomen this week. For girls, the uterus and ovaries are in place — complete with a lifetime supply of eggs.
Week 23: Lungs prepare for life outside the wombYour baby's lungs are beginning to produce surfactant, the substance that allows the air sacs in the lungs to inflate — and keeps them from collapsing and sticking together when they deflate. "Practice" breathing moves amniotic fluid in and out of your baby's lungs.
Your baby will begin to look more like a newborn as the skin becomes less transparent and fat production kicks into high gear.
Week 24: Sense of balance develops
By now, your baby weighs about 1 1/2 pounds. Footprints and fingerprints are forming.
Thanks to a fully developed inner ear, which controls balance, your baby may have a sense of whether he or she is upside-down or right side up in the womb. You may notice a regular sleeping and waking cycle. With intensive medical care, babies born at 24 weeks have more than a 50 percent chance of survival. Complications are frequent and serious, however, such as bleeding in the brain and impaired vision.
By now, your baby weighs about 1 1/2 pounds. Footprints and fingerprints are forming.
Thanks to a fully developed inner ear, which controls balance, your baby may have a sense of whether he or she is upside-down or right side up in the womb. You may notice a regular sleeping and waking cycle. With intensive medical care, babies born at 24 weeks have more than a 50 percent chance of survival. Complications are frequent and serious, however, such as bleeding in the brain and impaired vision.
Week 25: Exploration continues
Your baby's hands are now fully developed, although the nerve connections to the hands have a long way to go. Exploring the structures inside your uterus may become baby's prime entertainment.
Your baby's hands are now fully developed, although the nerve connections to the hands have a long way to go. Exploring the structures inside your uterus may become baby's prime entertainment.
Week 26: Eyes remain closed
Your baby weighs between 1 1/2 and 2 pounds. The eyebrows and eyelashes are well formed, and the hair on your baby's head is longer and more plentiful. Although your baby's eyes are fully developed, they may not open for another two weeks.
Your baby weighs between 1 1/2 and 2 pounds. The eyebrows and eyelashes are well formed, and the hair on your baby's head is longer and more plentiful. Although your baby's eyes are fully developed, they may not open for another two weeks.
Week 27: Second trimester ends
This week marks the end of the second trimester. Your baby's lungs, liver and immune system are continuing to mature — and he or she has been growing like a weed. At 27 weeks, your baby's length will have tripled or even quadrupled from the 12-week mark.
If your baby is born this week, the chance of survival is at least 85 percent. However, serious complications are still possible.
This week marks the end of the second trimester. Your baby's lungs, liver and immune system are continuing to mature — and he or she has been growing like a weed. At 27 weeks, your baby's length will have tripled or even quadrupled from the 12-week mark.
If your baby is born this week, the chance of survival is at least 85 percent. However, serious complications are still possible.
Flowing Happiness
This morning virtually flowed with happiness for me. Bailey was a in a great mood, Kelly (although more sick than she has been in a while) was in a good mood and I was in a fabulous mood. Lots of giggles happened at breakfast, lots of kissing happened before breakfast and a general good mood followed us until we parted ways at work.
Ahhhh, how I love mornings like this.
The weather has me feeling like a million bucks. It's been relatively cool (80-85) with little humidity. In the morning the air is crisp and as soon as the sun goes down, the crispness comes back. It makes me think of crisp apples, orange pumkins, the smell of fall and the onslaught of Christmas stuff in the store.
God, I come alive when it starts to trend towards fall. This is, hands down, my favorite time of the year. I get, literally, breathless with excitement when I think about a few short years from now when Bailey will be getting ready for school. I found myself daydreaming this morning about having to hold myself back in Staples while Bailey reads through her supplies list and makes her selections. This was my absolute favorite thing about the end of summer when I was in school. After our massive clothes/supplies trip that we would make every year, I would come home and organize all my clothes and supplies. Happily creating piles and ordering by subject. I would repack my bookbag a million times before the start of school. God, I loved it. And I am going to get to go through it all over again over and over as our children get ready for school. No doubt, Bailey will love it as much as I did. She's like that. She has already picked up on so many of the things that we like - order, tidiness. Perhaps she won't have the same level of compulsion that I did...but I bet she will. LOL!
Anyway. Today is a good day. A really good day and my mind is thinking about fall and Christmas and cool weather and trips to see family for the holidays. Happiness.
Ahhhh, how I love mornings like this.
The weather has me feeling like a million bucks. It's been relatively cool (80-85) with little humidity. In the morning the air is crisp and as soon as the sun goes down, the crispness comes back. It makes me think of crisp apples, orange pumkins, the smell of fall and the onslaught of Christmas stuff in the store.
God, I come alive when it starts to trend towards fall. This is, hands down, my favorite time of the year. I get, literally, breathless with excitement when I think about a few short years from now when Bailey will be getting ready for school. I found myself daydreaming this morning about having to hold myself back in Staples while Bailey reads through her supplies list and makes her selections. This was my absolute favorite thing about the end of summer when I was in school. After our massive clothes/supplies trip that we would make every year, I would come home and organize all my clothes and supplies. Happily creating piles and ordering by subject. I would repack my bookbag a million times before the start of school. God, I loved it. And I am going to get to go through it all over again over and over as our children get ready for school. No doubt, Bailey will love it as much as I did. She's like that. She has already picked up on so many of the things that we like - order, tidiness. Perhaps she won't have the same level of compulsion that I did...but I bet she will. LOL!
Anyway. Today is a good day. A really good day and my mind is thinking about fall and Christmas and cool weather and trips to see family for the holidays. Happiness.
8/21/2008
Love for Littler Honey
Kelly and I had a conversation last night about lonliness and what it means to be lonely when you're in a relationship as close as ours. She shared with me that she's been feeling a bit lonely lately because I've been so remote. I pretty much said the exact same words.
It was strange hearing that from my partner. Not because I deny it, but because in my remoteness, I hadn't stopped to consider that she was probably feeling the same way that I have been lately.
One of the thing that that she said was that she feels like everything is so disconnected from this baby. This was another revelation to me, because in my heart everything that we are doing right now is for this baby. Every bit of work, every ounce of struggle is to bring this life into the world and make him or her part of our family. In the aggregate, it's all for the baby.
But I realized as I listened to her that the aggregate is not what counts most of the time. Ever notice that? Your heart, your soul, your life can be exactly where you want it to be and yet you still feel unhappy, because in the moment, it's the little things that we look for to find our comfort and stability. There can be no doubt that I love this growing child - Kelly would never deny that - or that we will bond when he or she is born as much as I have bonded with Bailey. These things are known and are not questioned.
But in the moment, I am often doing something other than rubbing Kelly's belly, talking to or about the new baby, focusing in the moment. There seems to be very little outward excitement about having a second child. I cannot deny that I have found it very difficult to verbalize my joy and anticipation. I have felt overwhelmed in ways that I have never felt overwhelmed before, these last couple of months. Kelly blames herself for this, but it's not Kelly. It's not the work that has come out of Kelly being so sick. It's me. It's how I cope, how I get through.
I could list the reasons - I know them all by heart. But that ignores, again, the moment and focuses on the aggregate. The mood that has been hanging over the McFadden house the last few months has been one of frantic energy, trying to keep the details from falling out from under us, leaving little time for joy or reflection on this new addition we are bringing to our family.
I am writing this down because for me, the first step in recognizing what has become a near-toxic mix is to shine a bright light on it. I can see now, after listening to my beautiful wife, that I need to slow down. Not so much for me, but for her and for our Littler Honey and for Bailey. My energy needs to focus inward, into our family and the details be damned.
For those of you know me, you know how hard this is. I take great comfort in a clean house, an orderly schedule and predictability. The task, to let go of some of that to make room for my family, is a large one for me. But I love my wife, my daughter and our growing baby more than I love order, cleanliness or predictability. Kelly and I make a fantastic team, but only when we are working together. And we stop working together as soon as we begin to get lost in the details. Our relationship demands attention, and after a period of time where we do not give each other the attention we need, we begin to fail from the inside out.
I will not let that happen. Not now. Not when she needs me to be an emotional part of this pregnancy and not just the glue that holds our life together. I have to trust that the world will not crumble if the dishes are not done every day. I have to trust that I will not crumble if my perfectly ordered life takes on a bit of disorder. These are things I will discover.
What I know is that my wife needs me. And I will not fail her. It's time to show outwardly, all the joy and love that I have been experiencing internally.
It was strange hearing that from my partner. Not because I deny it, but because in my remoteness, I hadn't stopped to consider that she was probably feeling the same way that I have been lately.
One of the thing that that she said was that she feels like everything is so disconnected from this baby. This was another revelation to me, because in my heart everything that we are doing right now is for this baby. Every bit of work, every ounce of struggle is to bring this life into the world and make him or her part of our family. In the aggregate, it's all for the baby.
But I realized as I listened to her that the aggregate is not what counts most of the time. Ever notice that? Your heart, your soul, your life can be exactly where you want it to be and yet you still feel unhappy, because in the moment, it's the little things that we look for to find our comfort and stability. There can be no doubt that I love this growing child - Kelly would never deny that - or that we will bond when he or she is born as much as I have bonded with Bailey. These things are known and are not questioned.
But in the moment, I am often doing something other than rubbing Kelly's belly, talking to or about the new baby, focusing in the moment. There seems to be very little outward excitement about having a second child. I cannot deny that I have found it very difficult to verbalize my joy and anticipation. I have felt overwhelmed in ways that I have never felt overwhelmed before, these last couple of months. Kelly blames herself for this, but it's not Kelly. It's not the work that has come out of Kelly being so sick. It's me. It's how I cope, how I get through.
I could list the reasons - I know them all by heart. But that ignores, again, the moment and focuses on the aggregate. The mood that has been hanging over the McFadden house the last few months has been one of frantic energy, trying to keep the details from falling out from under us, leaving little time for joy or reflection on this new addition we are bringing to our family.
I am writing this down because for me, the first step in recognizing what has become a near-toxic mix is to shine a bright light on it. I can see now, after listening to my beautiful wife, that I need to slow down. Not so much for me, but for her and for our Littler Honey and for Bailey. My energy needs to focus inward, into our family and the details be damned.
For those of you know me, you know how hard this is. I take great comfort in a clean house, an orderly schedule and predictability. The task, to let go of some of that to make room for my family, is a large one for me. But I love my wife, my daughter and our growing baby more than I love order, cleanliness or predictability. Kelly and I make a fantastic team, but only when we are working together. And we stop working together as soon as we begin to get lost in the details. Our relationship demands attention, and after a period of time where we do not give each other the attention we need, we begin to fail from the inside out.
I will not let that happen. Not now. Not when she needs me to be an emotional part of this pregnancy and not just the glue that holds our life together. I have to trust that the world will not crumble if the dishes are not done every day. I have to trust that I will not crumble if my perfectly ordered life takes on a bit of disorder. These are things I will discover.
What I know is that my wife needs me. And I will not fail her. It's time to show outwardly, all the joy and love that I have been experiencing internally.
8/20/2008
Random Tidbits
There is this guy in my office who is a complete asshole. You know the type...I'm sure everyone (even those without offices) have them around at some point in their day. He's a short, little man...even shorter than me. He struts around, with his chest all puffed out, looking all important. He never smiles. Never returns my cheerful good mornings. Never even looks at me really. I'm staff and he's AN ATTORNEY. I imagine he thinks of his title a bit like that. I usually chuckle silently to myself after he passes, thinking that he probably suffers from short dick syndrome. LOL.
In any event, I've written this guy off as bad job a long time ago. And then, this morning as I was standing in line at Starbucks, I watched him come in with his wife. And I saw a man transformed. His eyes crinkled. He couldn't keep the smile from blossoming on his face every time he looked at the woman he loved. She was the same way. She was focused completely on him and he on her. They kissed a couple of times and it was with such obvious passion that it almost felt obscene. Almost...except that it was loving and not sexual. I happen to know that they have young twins (I saw them once in the elevator with their girls...and he was just as pompous then). I know how much work it is to raise children, and so I was as impressed by their ability to hang on to that kind of love for each other amist the craziness of baby-raising.
In that one moment, this pompous asshole became a human being and I realized yet again how many layers there truly are to every one of us. It was a good reminder.
As for vacation planning, Miss. Andrea, it's what I do. I enjoy discovering places that I'll be going at some point! We'll decide as a family where we truly want to go, but I like to have references all over the country (and the world) of what is possible. That's all. And it kills the bored hours at work when I am refusing to work.
Bailey has discoved bubbles. We've played with them before, and she enjoys herself, but she's never sought them out. Until last night. She ran over to the place where the bubbles are kept and stood under them pointing and calling out "Momma" "Bubbles" over and over again. I have no idea where she learned that they were called bubbles. We haven't played with them frequently. It was cute. Both the asking and then watching her chase bubbles, get over-excited and then squeal. Cute, cute, cute.
Speaking of cute - when you ask Bailey if she is sleepy, she squints her eyes up, then takes her finger and pokes it near her eyes, usually pulling down her eyelid. If she is not sleepy, she just shakes her head no. We find it incredibly convenient that she tells us when she is sleepy. Not that we don't already know from her behavior, but it is easier knowing that she knows she's tired. And it's super cute watching her tell on herself. LOL!
We're in language development stage right now. I have no idea where she learns the words that she learns. I have even less idea how she understands everything. There is a lot that she doesn't say, but when you talk about it she obviously knows what it is. For instance, she won't (can't?) say open or closed yet, but she sure does know what open and closed means. Yesterday, she was helping me make dinner and I asked her to get me two pots. She opened the drawer where the pots were and picked up two pots and handed them to me. She seemed undecided and then grabbed the third small pot. I told her that I only needed two, so she put the small pot back in. As she was stepping back, she reached back in. I thought that she was going to take another pot out, so I started to correct her. Instead, she adjusted the pot so that it was back in its proper location within the drawer, perfectly straightened out and even. Then she closed the drawer. How funny it is to see Bailey imitate me. I'm compulsive about my kitchen. She's obviously witnessed that. So the next chore was to get the ravioli out of the fridge. She was able to follow those instructions, but didn't know what the ravioli was until I pointed it out to her. Apparently ravioli isn't in her vocabulary yet. We opened it and I asked her to throw away the plastic cover. I asked her to "put it in the garbage". She seemed confused. Didn't know what "garbage" meant. So then I asked her to "throw it away". She knew exactly what that meant and did it.
Watching this process was enlightening. Obviously, we say "throw it away" more than we refer to the garbage. Which makes sense. We usually talk about taking the garbage out when she is in bed. She doesn't hear that very often.
It also drove home a very important point. None of these things have been directly taught to her. She's learning through observation and her own listening skills.
The point. Time to stop swearing. Like now. Right now. Right this second. Another "fuck" should never cross my lips when she is around. Obviously, I'll fail at that...but seriously, this is the time when she could open up her cute little mouth and reveal the true nature of MY potty mouth.
As for Littler Honey, all is well. I will not say out loud that Kelly is feeling better because that my jinx the very minor trend we are seeing. She is still vomitting every morning and she is still quite nauseated most of the time. But her energy is picking back up. Actually, it's not. Her energy is declining (in direct proportion to the growth spurt the baby is going through). But she seems more alive - more together. Less consumed by trying to make it through each minute.
But I'm not saying that out loud.
A couple of days ago, we recieved the gift that I had purchased for Kelly. I got her a pair of Uggs slippers. LOL - these things cost $100 bucks. I was thinking they better have built in hands to massage her feet. But I had a gift card from my boss, so I got them. With the other $100 I bought some baby clothes. Some very cute, very expensive baby clothes that we never would have gotten if we hadn't had a gift card. And lord, they are CUTE! They are gender neutral, of course. Three onsies, a little pant outfit and hat, bib and booties. They all match each other. The are my favorite sage, olive and unbleached cotton colors. While I stood there looking at them, I got excited again. I keep having these moments. It so different for me, this time, not being the birth mother. I don't have that child in my uterus, reminding me every day of what is happening and what is coming. I also don't have the kind of time I had before Bailey was born. In some ways I feel like a bad mother and partner because I'm not falling all over myself with anticipatory excitement. But the thing is, I am excited. I find myself rolling the world "children" around in my mouth and mind four or five times a day. I've had a couple of dreams that include a black-haired boy with curly hair. My whole heart is focused on this child and bringing this child to us. But the reality is that our new baby will share the spotlight with Bailey in a way that Bailey never had to. My heart is shared now, not captivated by one soul. So it's different. In no way less meaningful. But different.
I guess this has gotten long enough. The term "tidbits" doesn't apply anymore. Perhaps I should rename this post "Random Novel". Back to non-work.
In any event, I've written this guy off as bad job a long time ago. And then, this morning as I was standing in line at Starbucks, I watched him come in with his wife. And I saw a man transformed. His eyes crinkled. He couldn't keep the smile from blossoming on his face every time he looked at the woman he loved. She was the same way. She was focused completely on him and he on her. They kissed a couple of times and it was with such obvious passion that it almost felt obscene. Almost...except that it was loving and not sexual. I happen to know that they have young twins (I saw them once in the elevator with their girls...and he was just as pompous then). I know how much work it is to raise children, and so I was as impressed by their ability to hang on to that kind of love for each other amist the craziness of baby-raising.
In that one moment, this pompous asshole became a human being and I realized yet again how many layers there truly are to every one of us. It was a good reminder.
As for vacation planning, Miss. Andrea, it's what I do. I enjoy discovering places that I'll be going at some point! We'll decide as a family where we truly want to go, but I like to have references all over the country (and the world) of what is possible. That's all. And it kills the bored hours at work when I am refusing to work.
Bailey has discoved bubbles. We've played with them before, and she enjoys herself, but she's never sought them out. Until last night. She ran over to the place where the bubbles are kept and stood under them pointing and calling out "Momma" "Bubbles" over and over again. I have no idea where she learned that they were called bubbles. We haven't played with them frequently. It was cute. Both the asking and then watching her chase bubbles, get over-excited and then squeal. Cute, cute, cute.
Speaking of cute - when you ask Bailey if she is sleepy, she squints her eyes up, then takes her finger and pokes it near her eyes, usually pulling down her eyelid. If she is not sleepy, she just shakes her head no. We find it incredibly convenient that she tells us when she is sleepy. Not that we don't already know from her behavior, but it is easier knowing that she knows she's tired. And it's super cute watching her tell on herself. LOL!
We're in language development stage right now. I have no idea where she learns the words that she learns. I have even less idea how she understands everything. There is a lot that she doesn't say, but when you talk about it she obviously knows what it is. For instance, she won't (can't?) say open or closed yet, but she sure does know what open and closed means. Yesterday, she was helping me make dinner and I asked her to get me two pots. She opened the drawer where the pots were and picked up two pots and handed them to me. She seemed undecided and then grabbed the third small pot. I told her that I only needed two, so she put the small pot back in. As she was stepping back, she reached back in. I thought that she was going to take another pot out, so I started to correct her. Instead, she adjusted the pot so that it was back in its proper location within the drawer, perfectly straightened out and even. Then she closed the drawer. How funny it is to see Bailey imitate me. I'm compulsive about my kitchen. She's obviously witnessed that. So the next chore was to get the ravioli out of the fridge. She was able to follow those instructions, but didn't know what the ravioli was until I pointed it out to her. Apparently ravioli isn't in her vocabulary yet. We opened it and I asked her to throw away the plastic cover. I asked her to "put it in the garbage". She seemed confused. Didn't know what "garbage" meant. So then I asked her to "throw it away". She knew exactly what that meant and did it.
Watching this process was enlightening. Obviously, we say "throw it away" more than we refer to the garbage. Which makes sense. We usually talk about taking the garbage out when she is in bed. She doesn't hear that very often.
It also drove home a very important point. None of these things have been directly taught to her. She's learning through observation and her own listening skills.
The point. Time to stop swearing. Like now. Right now. Right this second. Another "fuck" should never cross my lips when she is around. Obviously, I'll fail at that...but seriously, this is the time when she could open up her cute little mouth and reveal the true nature of MY potty mouth.
As for Littler Honey, all is well. I will not say out loud that Kelly is feeling better because that my jinx the very minor trend we are seeing. She is still vomitting every morning and she is still quite nauseated most of the time. But her energy is picking back up. Actually, it's not. Her energy is declining (in direct proportion to the growth spurt the baby is going through). But she seems more alive - more together. Less consumed by trying to make it through each minute.
But I'm not saying that out loud.
A couple of days ago, we recieved the gift that I had purchased for Kelly. I got her a pair of Uggs slippers. LOL - these things cost $100 bucks. I was thinking they better have built in hands to massage her feet. But I had a gift card from my boss, so I got them. With the other $100 I bought some baby clothes. Some very cute, very expensive baby clothes that we never would have gotten if we hadn't had a gift card. And lord, they are CUTE! They are gender neutral, of course. Three onsies, a little pant outfit and hat, bib and booties. They all match each other. The are my favorite sage, olive and unbleached cotton colors. While I stood there looking at them, I got excited again. I keep having these moments. It so different for me, this time, not being the birth mother. I don't have that child in my uterus, reminding me every day of what is happening and what is coming. I also don't have the kind of time I had before Bailey was born. In some ways I feel like a bad mother and partner because I'm not falling all over myself with anticipatory excitement. But the thing is, I am excited. I find myself rolling the world "children" around in my mouth and mind four or five times a day. I've had a couple of dreams that include a black-haired boy with curly hair. My whole heart is focused on this child and bringing this child to us. But the reality is that our new baby will share the spotlight with Bailey in a way that Bailey never had to. My heart is shared now, not captivated by one soul. So it's different. In no way less meaningful. But different.
I guess this has gotten long enough. The term "tidbits" doesn't apply anymore. Perhaps I should rename this post "Random Novel". Back to non-work.
8/19/2008
Work
I'm going through a complete disconnect from work right now. I'm not sure why it's happening this time around, but it's happened before.
I'm not unhappy or anything with my job. But the priority that I place on my job always comes behind Bailey, Kelly, Home, Me (in that order). Right now so much of what me and Kelly do is about one of the first four things...and that leaves work shit out of luck.
Lucky for me, my coworker on maternity leave returned and my work load has been cut in half. It still hasn't picked back up, but it will. As soon as we shake out the who-does-what stuff again, my projects will get more intense.
But for this week, I'm kind of on a vacation-while-at-work. I'm doing what I have to and trying to appear busy. After all, who will REALLY know if what I'm doing is planning our 2010 family vacation or finding preschools for my daughter?
I don't even feel guilty.
I'm not unhappy or anything with my job. But the priority that I place on my job always comes behind Bailey, Kelly, Home, Me (in that order). Right now so much of what me and Kelly do is about one of the first four things...and that leaves work shit out of luck.
Lucky for me, my coworker on maternity leave returned and my work load has been cut in half. It still hasn't picked back up, but it will. As soon as we shake out the who-does-what stuff again, my projects will get more intense.
But for this week, I'm kind of on a vacation-while-at-work. I'm doing what I have to and trying to appear busy. After all, who will REALLY know if what I'm doing is planning our 2010 family vacation or finding preschools for my daughter?
I don't even feel guilty.
Too Soon?
I've always been an advance planner. Nobody who knows me would deny that...and I would even admit that at time, I am an advanced planner to a fault.
With that said, I have begun the process of finding a suitable preschool for Bailey when she turns two. I have no issues with the facility that Bailey is in right now. She loves it and they love her. But, it is not a preschool. It is glorified babysitting. Which is fine right now. She doesn't need structured learning...any schedule at all pretty much counts at this stage. But when she turns two, and is moved into a bigger room with a higher child/teacher ratio, it is much more important that the activities be structured and focused on learning. What we do not want is for her to be one of a pack of kids that are just running crazy without an appropriate learning environment.
This morning, I think I found what I am looking for. It's a child care facility - ages 8 weeks-12 years that has a pre-preschool program in their two-year old rooms. 3-4 year olds have a MD state certified preschool program and the five year olds have a certified kindergarten program. What is most important is that the teachers are actually teachers - they all have certifications in early-childhood education. Of course, not every staff member that interacts with the children are certified, but the classroom teacher is. And she is the one who sets the curriculum.
We have to factor in Bailey's birthday when thinking about this stuff. Bailey will turn five on May 2nd, 2012. This means that she will be pretty young when she starts kindergarten in August of that year. We want for her to be prepared and ready to go into a classroom and we think the best way to do that is by having her in a preschool (rather than childcare) environment.
The facility is only 9 miles from our house, so it won't present a huge logistical nightmare. The "problem" though is going to be having two children in two different centers. We would really like for our new child to be with Ms. Delta and Ms. Susan at our current facility. With that said, I am open to exploring thier infant options, as it would be much, much easier to have them both in one facility.
The biggest seller of this program for me is that in their parent handbook, they showed a picture of a lesbian couple with a child. Perhaps it is just for show, but it's important to me.
We'll tour the facility and if we like it, get on the waiting list. I'm not opposed to transferring Bailey whenever a spot opens. Assuming, of course, that we like the facility and what we see when we take our tour.
With that said, I have begun the process of finding a suitable preschool for Bailey when she turns two. I have no issues with the facility that Bailey is in right now. She loves it and they love her. But, it is not a preschool. It is glorified babysitting. Which is fine right now. She doesn't need structured learning...any schedule at all pretty much counts at this stage. But when she turns two, and is moved into a bigger room with a higher child/teacher ratio, it is much more important that the activities be structured and focused on learning. What we do not want is for her to be one of a pack of kids that are just running crazy without an appropriate learning environment.
This morning, I think I found what I am looking for. It's a child care facility - ages 8 weeks-12 years that has a pre-preschool program in their two-year old rooms. 3-4 year olds have a MD state certified preschool program and the five year olds have a certified kindergarten program. What is most important is that the teachers are actually teachers - they all have certifications in early-childhood education. Of course, not every staff member that interacts with the children are certified, but the classroom teacher is. And she is the one who sets the curriculum.
We have to factor in Bailey's birthday when thinking about this stuff. Bailey will turn five on May 2nd, 2012. This means that she will be pretty young when she starts kindergarten in August of that year. We want for her to be prepared and ready to go into a classroom and we think the best way to do that is by having her in a preschool (rather than childcare) environment.
The facility is only 9 miles from our house, so it won't present a huge logistical nightmare. The "problem" though is going to be having two children in two different centers. We would really like for our new child to be with Ms. Delta and Ms. Susan at our current facility. With that said, I am open to exploring thier infant options, as it would be much, much easier to have them both in one facility.
The biggest seller of this program for me is that in their parent handbook, they showed a picture of a lesbian couple with a child. Perhaps it is just for show, but it's important to me.
We'll tour the facility and if we like it, get on the waiting list. I'm not opposed to transferring Bailey whenever a spot opens. Assuming, of course, that we like the facility and what we see when we take our tour.
8/18/2008
Have You Ever
Have you ever just stood still in the middle of your swarming life, listened to the sounds, allowed the emotions of your thoughts and feeling to crash over you and felt every one of them in excrutiating detail?
I just had one of those moments. I was sitting in the cafe here at work, eating my Lean Cuisine and reading my book. For no reason at all, I set my book down and staring at the mac and cheese in my meal, had one of those moments.
In the 30 seconds that it lasted, I felt more joy, love, calm and ecstacy than I have ever felt.
This is my life. This is my wife. This is my daughter. That child growing in my wife's uterus is mine. Those are my cats. That is my house, with my sunny yellow kitchen that my wife painted just for me. This is my ring, laced with the promise of forever. This is the soul of my life, the meaning, the purpose. This is my calling. I am right where I am supposed to be. This is my definition of love.
I just had one of those moments. I was sitting in the cafe here at work, eating my Lean Cuisine and reading my book. For no reason at all, I set my book down and staring at the mac and cheese in my meal, had one of those moments.
In the 30 seconds that it lasted, I felt more joy, love, calm and ecstacy than I have ever felt.
This is my life. This is my wife. This is my daughter. That child growing in my wife's uterus is mine. Those are my cats. That is my house, with my sunny yellow kitchen that my wife painted just for me. This is my ring, laced with the promise of forever. This is the soul of my life, the meaning, the purpose. This is my calling. I am right where I am supposed to be. This is my definition of love.
They Survived
It turns out that my wife and my daughter can, in fact, survive without me for two days.
I am back from Austin, no worse for the wear. The wedding was beautiful, the reception was a rockin' good time with lots of drinking and dancing. Matt's wife is a wonderful, wonderful woman and her family is fantastic. Matt and Aarica are happily celebrating their honeymoon in Mexico right now. My dress was fine, the dress I had to buy quickly for a surprise dinner the night before the wedding was fine. My heels created the expected monster-sized blisters on my baby toes. I saw a "killer wasp" killing and then eating a tarantula. I drank a lot.
It was a good weekend. And Kelly and Bailey survived just fine without me (although, I can say that I think they were both delighted to find me home again!). I never realized that leaving would be so hard when there is a little girl (and a big girl) waiting for me and wanting me back with them. Leaving sucked. Being gone sucked. But it worked out, and in the end, I'm glad I went.
We are 12 1/2 weeks pregnant. Kelly may or may not be starting to feel better. I refuse to say anything right now, because the relief this weekend may have been a fluke. We'll see.
I was thinking that I can't believe we are few short days away from our second trimester. WHAT??? Where did the time go??? With Bailey, it felt like every single day dripped by and each new week couldn't move quickly enough. Now, we're nearly done the first 1/3 of this pregnancy, we find out our baby's gender in 6 weeks or so and it seems like it all just started. It's amazing.
I saw a tiny baby in Austin this weekend and I experienced a surge of joy that soon, we will have another one of those little loves in our arms. I absolutely cannot wait! I am so happy that we'll be able to have a tiny infant one more time. Having seen how quickly they grow up, I am grateful that we get one more shot at the tiny-baby phase. Seeing the tiny, scrunchy little bundle this weekend brought it all home.
In other news...last night I was smothering Bailey (go figure). I was saying, "Honey, can I have a kiss?" She pushed me away, backed up, pointed to her book and said "wanna read a book". It was clear as day. Seriously, this girl is talking up a storm and putting words together in ways that blow my mind. And what she understands is beyond my comprehension. When did she learn all of this? She answers questions appropriately. For instance, if I ask her if she wants another bite, she'll say no. If I ask her if she wants water, she'll either nod and reach for the water or point to the fridge and say "milk". Sometimes she says no. She tells us she wants to "eat eat" when she's hungry. Every morning while she is getting dressed she says "where is pitter". She loves the cats. When she loses something she holds up her hands and says "where is it?" She'll cry and ask for her "bobo" when she wants her binky.
It gives me incredible joy and pride to know that she is learning to communicate. Honestly, it makes life so much easier. Rather than trying a million things until the one is finally found, we just let her tell us what she wants. It's so much easier.
The other thing is that Bailey has officially outgrown many of her clothes. She has moved out of 2T and is into 3T. We need to go shopping for her soon, because she's got very little to wear. We just went out and bought her a new pair of shoes...size 6 Nikes. Size 6?!? When did she get so big???
They grow up so fast. So fast it's almost blurry.
I am back from Austin, no worse for the wear. The wedding was beautiful, the reception was a rockin' good time with lots of drinking and dancing. Matt's wife is a wonderful, wonderful woman and her family is fantastic. Matt and Aarica are happily celebrating their honeymoon in Mexico right now. My dress was fine, the dress I had to buy quickly for a surprise dinner the night before the wedding was fine. My heels created the expected monster-sized blisters on my baby toes. I saw a "killer wasp" killing and then eating a tarantula. I drank a lot.
It was a good weekend. And Kelly and Bailey survived just fine without me (although, I can say that I think they were both delighted to find me home again!). I never realized that leaving would be so hard when there is a little girl (and a big girl) waiting for me and wanting me back with them. Leaving sucked. Being gone sucked. But it worked out, and in the end, I'm glad I went.
We are 12 1/2 weeks pregnant. Kelly may or may not be starting to feel better. I refuse to say anything right now, because the relief this weekend may have been a fluke. We'll see.
I was thinking that I can't believe we are few short days away from our second trimester. WHAT??? Where did the time go??? With Bailey, it felt like every single day dripped by and each new week couldn't move quickly enough. Now, we're nearly done the first 1/3 of this pregnancy, we find out our baby's gender in 6 weeks or so and it seems like it all just started. It's amazing.
I saw a tiny baby in Austin this weekend and I experienced a surge of joy that soon, we will have another one of those little loves in our arms. I absolutely cannot wait! I am so happy that we'll be able to have a tiny infant one more time. Having seen how quickly they grow up, I am grateful that we get one more shot at the tiny-baby phase. Seeing the tiny, scrunchy little bundle this weekend brought it all home.
In other news...last night I was smothering Bailey (go figure). I was saying, "Honey, can I have a kiss?" She pushed me away, backed up, pointed to her book and said "wanna read a book". It was clear as day. Seriously, this girl is talking up a storm and putting words together in ways that blow my mind. And what she understands is beyond my comprehension. When did she learn all of this? She answers questions appropriately. For instance, if I ask her if she wants another bite, she'll say no. If I ask her if she wants water, she'll either nod and reach for the water or point to the fridge and say "milk". Sometimes she says no. She tells us she wants to "eat eat" when she's hungry. Every morning while she is getting dressed she says "where is pitter". She loves the cats. When she loses something she holds up her hands and says "where is it?" She'll cry and ask for her "bobo" when she wants her binky.
It gives me incredible joy and pride to know that she is learning to communicate. Honestly, it makes life so much easier. Rather than trying a million things until the one is finally found, we just let her tell us what she wants. It's so much easier.
The other thing is that Bailey has officially outgrown many of her clothes. She has moved out of 2T and is into 3T. We need to go shopping for her soon, because she's got very little to wear. We just went out and bought her a new pair of shoes...size 6 Nikes. Size 6?!? When did she get so big???
They grow up so fast. So fast it's almost blurry.
8/14/2008
Water & Guilt
Kelly isn't drinking enough fluid. She has not reached the official dehydration state, but she is getting there. There are two distinct problems. The first is that during the day, she is bloated as all hell. Drinking anything makes her belly feel heavy and puts a lot of pressure on it. Which in turns makes her feel very, very sick. At night, she is afraid to drink a bunch of water because the couple of times that she has done it, she's been up all night peeing. And getting up rapidly in the middle of the night makes her sick. And not getting enough sleep makes her sick.
She's up shit creek without a paddle. And without any shit, either...but that is an entire other story and Kelly has not approved me discussing her bowels and the lack of movement coming from them. Oopps...did I just talk about it???
Water needs to happen, though. She knows it. I know it. If not, she'll be taking water intravenously from a drip in the hospital. I can't imagine that will make her feel any better.
Kelly mentioned last night that she feels badly for all the things that I'm doing for her, for Bailey and for the rest of our life right now. She feels badly, but at the same time she doesn't have the energy to give a shit. She admitted to being self-centered right now.
Not that she needed to admit that. I didn't need an explanation.
Here is the thing. I have a whole new understanding for non-birth partners. Be them male or female, the job of taking care of a pregnant woman and all the rest of life that continues is difficult at best. It's impossible at its worst. I also have developed the utmost contempt for non-birth partners who don't care for their pregnant woman the way that I am caring for Kelly. The idea that a woman would have to suffer through what Kelly is suffering through with the full back up support of another person discusts me. You can bet that I'll have some heated conversation with useless partners that cross my path for the rest of my life.
But that wasn't the point. The point is that I don't need for Kelly to apologize or even acknowledge what I am coping with. The thing is, we are both pregnant. Kelly's entire job right now is to care for, carrying and grow our child. Because of the intensity of this process for her, it's all she can manage to do...and it's the only thing that can be expected of her. You can't just walk away from being pregnant. Kelly never gets a break. Never. She's pregnant every minute, of every day without fail.
And I am too. I am carrying a different load, but it is one that is no less important or meaningful. Without me, Kelly would not be able to do what she is doing with any level of comfort or joy. Her life would be impossible. My contribution right now is not to our child, but to our child's birth mother. And it is a contribution that allows her to continue in this pregnacy. I know that. I don't need her to apologize for what she sees as extra work on my part.
We chose to be pregnant together. While I didn't know what that meant from this perspective, I would certainly never shirk my duties to my wife and our child now. And that is that.
So, Kelly. Stop apologizing. Your job right now is Our Littler Honey. What you have left, give to Bailey. You do not owe me any apology and you certainly should not be feeling badly because I can physically do what you cannot right now. You take care of our child and I'll take care of you. Deal?
And just for the record - I don't feel guilty that you are going through this and I am not. I didn't want to carry another child, and we knew full well that you could have this happen (given your family history). I don't feel guilty that it did. But I do have the expectation of myself that I will work just as hard as you are right now and make things just as easy as I can for you right now. What I am doing is done out of love for you, nothing more and nothing less.
She's up shit creek without a paddle. And without any shit, either...but that is an entire other story and Kelly has not approved me discussing her bowels and the lack of movement coming from them. Oopps...did I just talk about it???
Water needs to happen, though. She knows it. I know it. If not, she'll be taking water intravenously from a drip in the hospital. I can't imagine that will make her feel any better.
Kelly mentioned last night that she feels badly for all the things that I'm doing for her, for Bailey and for the rest of our life right now. She feels badly, but at the same time she doesn't have the energy to give a shit. She admitted to being self-centered right now.
Not that she needed to admit that. I didn't need an explanation.
Here is the thing. I have a whole new understanding for non-birth partners. Be them male or female, the job of taking care of a pregnant woman and all the rest of life that continues is difficult at best. It's impossible at its worst. I also have developed the utmost contempt for non-birth partners who don't care for their pregnant woman the way that I am caring for Kelly. The idea that a woman would have to suffer through what Kelly is suffering through with the full back up support of another person discusts me. You can bet that I'll have some heated conversation with useless partners that cross my path for the rest of my life.
But that wasn't the point. The point is that I don't need for Kelly to apologize or even acknowledge what I am coping with. The thing is, we are both pregnant. Kelly's entire job right now is to care for, carrying and grow our child. Because of the intensity of this process for her, it's all she can manage to do...and it's the only thing that can be expected of her. You can't just walk away from being pregnant. Kelly never gets a break. Never. She's pregnant every minute, of every day without fail.
And I am too. I am carrying a different load, but it is one that is no less important or meaningful. Without me, Kelly would not be able to do what she is doing with any level of comfort or joy. Her life would be impossible. My contribution right now is not to our child, but to our child's birth mother. And it is a contribution that allows her to continue in this pregnacy. I know that. I don't need her to apologize for what she sees as extra work on my part.
We chose to be pregnant together. While I didn't know what that meant from this perspective, I would certainly never shirk my duties to my wife and our child now. And that is that.
So, Kelly. Stop apologizing. Your job right now is Our Littler Honey. What you have left, give to Bailey. You do not owe me any apology and you certainly should not be feeling badly because I can physically do what you cannot right now. You take care of our child and I'll take care of you. Deal?
And just for the record - I don't feel guilty that you are going through this and I am not. I didn't want to carry another child, and we knew full well that you could have this happen (given your family history). I don't feel guilty that it did. But I do have the expectation of myself that I will work just as hard as you are right now and make things just as easy as I can for you right now. What I am doing is done out of love for you, nothing more and nothing less.
8/13/2008
Holding Pattern
We are still here, still existing. Kelly is still sick and we're working through it (mostly minute by minute). We're praying for the moment that this part is finished.
I'm leaving for Austin in two days. Kelly is worried sick about me being gone and having Bailey. Her Mom and Dale will be coming down to help, but Kelly is still worried. I'm the rock right now...and even though she knows that things will be fine, she worries about having me so far away.
I must say that it makes me feel vital and needed to have her worried about me being gone for two days. Every day seems like a bit of a struggle, but under all of this is the reality that Kelly and I do actually still need one another. Marriage, in so many ways, becomes a choice that we make every day after a while. I like that I can look into her beautiful blue eyes and know that I am still essential to her. It's an unspoken "I love you".
In any event, I don't want to leave, but I do want to go to my brother's wedding. I'm torn between excitement and sadness about leaving my girls. I'm ready for the break, and yet, I'd give it up if I thought that would be the right decision.
So I'll go. I'll get on that plane, fly away and maybe relax a bit. I'll wear a pretty dress and drink with grown ups and maybe do a bit of dancing. I'll spend time with my mother and my brother and my sister-in-law and my neices and nephew.
And then I'll fly back home, where my heart will be waiting for me and where I know I'll always belong.
I'm leaving for Austin in two days. Kelly is worried sick about me being gone and having Bailey. Her Mom and Dale will be coming down to help, but Kelly is still worried. I'm the rock right now...and even though she knows that things will be fine, she worries about having me so far away.
I must say that it makes me feel vital and needed to have her worried about me being gone for two days. Every day seems like a bit of a struggle, but under all of this is the reality that Kelly and I do actually still need one another. Marriage, in so many ways, becomes a choice that we make every day after a while. I like that I can look into her beautiful blue eyes and know that I am still essential to her. It's an unspoken "I love you".
In any event, I don't want to leave, but I do want to go to my brother's wedding. I'm torn between excitement and sadness about leaving my girls. I'm ready for the break, and yet, I'd give it up if I thought that would be the right decision.
So I'll go. I'll get on that plane, fly away and maybe relax a bit. I'll wear a pretty dress and drink with grown ups and maybe do a bit of dancing. I'll spend time with my mother and my brother and my sister-in-law and my neices and nephew.
And then I'll fly back home, where my heart will be waiting for me and where I know I'll always belong.
8/12/2008
NOT 200
If you'll glance above, you'll see that our lovely ticker for Our Littler Honey has changed from a number in the 200's to a number in the 100's! Now...I know this means very little...but it's a step closer!!!! It makes me happy, in any event.
This morning, I got on the bus and sat down. A kind woman tapped me on the shoulder and informed me that my shirt was on inside out. I told her thank you, thinking to myself "Silly Momma, sleep is for wimps."
I've gotten to the point where I cannot successfully dress myself. Lord.
This morning, I got on the bus and sat down. A kind woman tapped me on the shoulder and informed me that my shirt was on inside out. I told her thank you, thinking to myself "Silly Momma, sleep is for wimps."
I've gotten to the point where I cannot successfully dress myself. Lord.
8/11/2008
Bad Olympian
Okay, so we all know I'm not an Olympian...but I do seem to be the only person on the face of the planet who isn't watching the Olympics and who really doesn't care about what is happening. I certainly don't begrudge anyone their enthusiasm, and I feel bad that I don't have more of it myself.
Perhaps it's because we're so damn tired? Being pregnant, the parents of Bailey and trying to maintain our own relationship has left us burning the candle at both ends with a lot of exhaustion to show for it.
Kelly is still sick. She's now progressed to vomitting multiple times a day. We're going to try a new drug - something other than the Reglan that she was given at her last appointment. Maybe that will help. We've both set our sights on Week 15, when we hope that this will have mostly gone away. Time is the best healer in this situation, but boy, we wish it would happen more quickly.
In any event, we're hanging in there. I enjoy listening to people talk about the Olympics and the few minutes I catch here and there make me pretty happy too. For this year, that is enough.
Perhaps it's because we're so damn tired? Being pregnant, the parents of Bailey and trying to maintain our own relationship has left us burning the candle at both ends with a lot of exhaustion to show for it.
Kelly is still sick. She's now progressed to vomitting multiple times a day. We're going to try a new drug - something other than the Reglan that she was given at her last appointment. Maybe that will help. We've both set our sights on Week 15, when we hope that this will have mostly gone away. Time is the best healer in this situation, but boy, we wish it would happen more quickly.
In any event, we're hanging in there. I enjoy listening to people talk about the Olympics and the few minutes I catch here and there make me pretty happy too. For this year, that is enough.
The First Belly Shot
Finally! Hopefully these will be posted on Fridays from now on...Here is our baby bump at 11 weeks, 2 days pregnant!
Isn't she cute???
8/08/2008
11 Weeks Pregnant
Well, we are officially 11 weeks pregnant...only 29 more weeks to go. There isn't much to say except that being 11 weeks pregnant sucks for every single member of the McFadden family (with Kelly in the lead for dealing with suckiness). In any event, we've made it this far. Here's what's going to happen in week 12.
Kelly's still not prepared to begin sharing her belly, although it's super cute! For now, you'll just have to take my word for it...she's definately showing!
Week 12:
By now, nearly all of your baby's organs, structures and systems are fully formed. Your baby's heart begins pumping several quarts of blood through your baby's body every day. While your baby's brain is not the same size it will be at birth, it does have the same structure. Your baby's fingers and toes have separated and his hair and nails continue to grow. Your baby is approximately 2.5 - 3.5 inches and weighs about 12 - 14 grams.
Also, the external genitals can now show definite signs of male and female sex, however it will probably still be impossible to tell by ultrasound whether you are having a boy or a girl. Where there was only reflex movement before, your baby now moves spontaneously and at random, but he is still too small for you to feel him. With the use of a doppler, you might be able to hear your baby's heart beat at your next doctor's office visit. It will sound very fast and will sound similar to that of running horse. Once you hear this sound, you can rest assured that your risk of miscarrage is greatly reduced.
I'm A Shit
Kelly's puking in the shower, Bailey in bed with a 102.9 temp and I have to leave them to go to work. I feel like the worst mother and wife in the world right now, and no amount of logic is going to help that. God, I wish we were closer to Maine or West Virginia.
8/07/2008
I HATE Not Having Family
Bailey's being sent home from daycare with a temp of 102. We can't bring her in tomorrow. We both have to work tommorrow. God, I hate these fucking days when we REALLY need help and don't have anyone around that we can just dump her on.
Bailey's 15 Month Checkup
Bailey had her 15 month checkup this morning. All is well - she's finally going through that weight loss thing that everyone said would happen when she started walking. Well, she started walking 5 months ago and never lost any weight. But now...she's 27.1 pounds and 31.5 inches long. Everything is good - she's at or above (mostly above) all her developmental milestones. She got two shots...she didn't like that...but quickly recovered to her usual sunny self. She has one shot at her 18 month check up and then NO MORE until she's 4 years old. Perfect! Just in time for us to have another baby...LOL!
Kelly vomitted again this morning. We'll be fully 11 weeks pregnant tomorrow, so we're hoping (praying??) that things will begin to start to even out. We hold out very little hope...right now, we just trod through the days and wait for this part to end. Kelly's feeling shitty. She's emotionally overwhelmed by the sickness, and while she is holding herself together, it's wearing on both of us. We are a bit snippy with each other and we're both feeling a bit like we've got the worse end of the deal. It's funny how couples often turn inward with thier shit and start slinging it at each other when the chips are down. We try not to - we actively try to avoid it - but we're human. We both get up each day and start a new day and let the old day go. It's the best we can do right now.
Bailey's got a cold with a slight fever. Nothing more than that, but it's made her pretty clingy and needy. She's super-sweet, but even super-sweet gets old when what she's wanting is to never be out of someone's arms. And that someone is usually me. But okay. It's all good.
This crazyness is our life and we wouldn't change it. We might change the sickness if we could, though...LOL!
Kelly vomitted again this morning. We'll be fully 11 weeks pregnant tomorrow, so we're hoping (praying??) that things will begin to start to even out. We hold out very little hope...right now, we just trod through the days and wait for this part to end. Kelly's feeling shitty. She's emotionally overwhelmed by the sickness, and while she is holding herself together, it's wearing on both of us. We are a bit snippy with each other and we're both feeling a bit like we've got the worse end of the deal. It's funny how couples often turn inward with thier shit and start slinging it at each other when the chips are down. We try not to - we actively try to avoid it - but we're human. We both get up each day and start a new day and let the old day go. It's the best we can do right now.
Bailey's got a cold with a slight fever. Nothing more than that, but it's made her pretty clingy and needy. She's super-sweet, but even super-sweet gets old when what she's wanting is to never be out of someone's arms. And that someone is usually me. But okay. It's all good.
This crazyness is our life and we wouldn't change it. We might change the sickness if we could, though...LOL!
8/06/2008
Could It Get Any Worse?
So, we thought that we might hit a break through in Kelly's sickness around 10 weeks, but we were wrong. It has gotten worse. In the last 6 days, Kelly has thrown up in the morning twice. Both times, she was spewing oatmeal in the shower right after waking up. Mind you, this is on two different kinds of anti-spew drugs.
The timing is right - HCG peaks in your system at around 10 weeks, holds steady for 2-3 weeks and then begins to decline around 13 weeks. It's the decline in HCG that will make this horrible sickness go away.
The science of it doesn't help. Kelly feels awful and is emotionally and physically exhausted from dealing with it day in and day out. She wants it over with, needs a break and can't wait to start feeling better. I'm with her. But it's easier for me. Honestly. No matter how hard it may be for me, it's harder for her. I know that.
Bailey slept like shit last night, which means I did too. She's got a cold and some minor allergies. The three nights before last night, she was taking Tylenol Cold before bed to help clear the congestion so that she could sleep. We didn't give her any last night, because her nose has cleared up mostly. But without the included antihistamine, she didn't sleep well. From 10:30 - 2:30, she was up 5 times. At 2:30, I finally held her for long enough that she fell into a deep sleep in my arms (I fell asleep in her room, holding her) and when I put her down she stayed asleep until 6:15. Of course, I got up at 4:45. I'm exhausted.
National Night Out was last night and we hosted. It was a wonderful experience. I am reminded every time we hang out with our neighbors how much I love our community. They are good people. They are planning an end-of-summer BBQ (not AT ALL planned by me)...and then Kelly and I are going to host a holiday party the first week of December. We had a great time.
The timing is right - HCG peaks in your system at around 10 weeks, holds steady for 2-3 weeks and then begins to decline around 13 weeks. It's the decline in HCG that will make this horrible sickness go away.
The science of it doesn't help. Kelly feels awful and is emotionally and physically exhausted from dealing with it day in and day out. She wants it over with, needs a break and can't wait to start feeling better. I'm with her. But it's easier for me. Honestly. No matter how hard it may be for me, it's harder for her. I know that.
Bailey slept like shit last night, which means I did too. She's got a cold and some minor allergies. The three nights before last night, she was taking Tylenol Cold before bed to help clear the congestion so that she could sleep. We didn't give her any last night, because her nose has cleared up mostly. But without the included antihistamine, she didn't sleep well. From 10:30 - 2:30, she was up 5 times. At 2:30, I finally held her for long enough that she fell into a deep sleep in my arms (I fell asleep in her room, holding her) and when I put her down she stayed asleep until 6:15. Of course, I got up at 4:45. I'm exhausted.
National Night Out was last night and we hosted. It was a wonderful experience. I am reminded every time we hang out with our neighbors how much I love our community. They are good people. They are planning an end-of-summer BBQ (not AT ALL planned by me)...and then Kelly and I are going to host a holiday party the first week of December. We had a great time.
8/05/2008
Time
Not surprising, time has slowed way down for Kelly but seems to be moving at light speed for me. I can't believe we're already 10 1/2 weeks pregnant...and Kelly can't believe we are only 10 1/2 weeks pregnant. Funny how time does that.
Kelly's belly is a constant source of interest for both of us...again, probably not surprising. I love the little pop. I love how you can feel her uterus more in the morning - I'm assuming the baby shifts to the front as she sleeps mostly on her belly, with a slight lift to keep the pressure off. She is spending more time touching her tummy where the baby is - I remember doing that too. Even though we can't feel him or her yet, this child is very present for Kelly. For me too...but differently.
My brother is getting married for the second time in two weeks. I'll be flying to Austin for a whirlwind couple of days. It's got me thinking about love. I'll have more to post on this topic...but right now I've got to run to a conference call. Duty calls.
Kelly's belly is a constant source of interest for both of us...again, probably not surprising. I love the little pop. I love how you can feel her uterus more in the morning - I'm assuming the baby shifts to the front as she sleeps mostly on her belly, with a slight lift to keep the pressure off. She is spending more time touching her tummy where the baby is - I remember doing that too. Even though we can't feel him or her yet, this child is very present for Kelly. For me too...but differently.
My brother is getting married for the second time in two weeks. I'll be flying to Austin for a whirlwind couple of days. It's got me thinking about love. I'll have more to post on this topic...but right now I've got to run to a conference call. Duty calls.
8/04/2008
Pictures and Bobo
I know I promised a picture of Kelly belly...but she is being shy. Actually, the problem is that her normally flat tummy is not so flat right now...and yet it's not baby. It's bloat. Her uterus can be felt about an inch above her pubic hair line, but that doesn't account for her tummy. It pops right out - sometimes further than other times...but it's not baby. And she's shy about that, I think. She hasn't said "I'm shy"...but she did say that she didn't want to take a picture of bloat.
So for now, dear friends, the bloat is all mine to stare at, rub, talk to, kiss and generally make an ass of myself over. I love her bloat. I also love the little bit of her uterus that we can feel. I love that she is growing our child and I love that I am able to watch this happen. Her body is so different already...and it will only change more. I love every second of it.
We'll start posting pictures when Kelly's ready to share.
Bailey has changed the name of her Binky. This is the first time that she has taken something we've created (in this case a name) and changed it to fit her own thoughts. She calls her "binky" her "bobo". And, as we have always said we would, we have changed our name for it as well. After all - it is hers to change if she wants to.
She also uses Mommy and Momma interchangably. We are both Mommy and Momma depending on what name she is currently using. Doesn't matter who she's looking at and there is very little distinction between us.
Kelly and I still call each other Mommy and Momma, until such time as Bailey picks names for us and sticks to them. Then, we'll follow suit.
Bailey and I had another lovely adventure in the pool this weekend. She's really starting to love the water. Which is great...cause I love it too and when the kids are old enough, we'll be spending much of our summer the local pools. Slathered head to toe in SPF 50...but at the pool...
So for now, dear friends, the bloat is all mine to stare at, rub, talk to, kiss and generally make an ass of myself over. I love her bloat. I also love the little bit of her uterus that we can feel. I love that she is growing our child and I love that I am able to watch this happen. Her body is so different already...and it will only change more. I love every second of it.
We'll start posting pictures when Kelly's ready to share.
Bailey has changed the name of her Binky. This is the first time that she has taken something we've created (in this case a name) and changed it to fit her own thoughts. She calls her "binky" her "bobo". And, as we have always said we would, we have changed our name for it as well. After all - it is hers to change if she wants to.
She also uses Mommy and Momma interchangably. We are both Mommy and Momma depending on what name she is currently using. Doesn't matter who she's looking at and there is very little distinction between us.
Kelly and I still call each other Mommy and Momma, until such time as Bailey picks names for us and sticks to them. Then, we'll follow suit.
Bailey and I had another lovely adventure in the pool this weekend. She's really starting to love the water. Which is great...cause I love it too and when the kids are old enough, we'll be spending much of our summer the local pools. Slathered head to toe in SPF 50...but at the pool...
8/01/2008
10 Weeks Pregnant
And so it begins. Kelly and I will begin to document the stages of our pregnancy for you. I will start taking pictures at the end of the day on Thursday nights of Kelly's little belly. We switch weeks on Friday morning. As of this morning, we are fully 10 weeks pregnant, beginning our 11th week. The weeks displayed will be for the coming week - meaning the week below is Week 11. We do this so that we have some idea of what is happening during that particular week of development.
There is no belly shot today...but I will add one to this post this evening (after I've gotten a belly shot), so check back!
WEEK 11
Your babies organ systems are now all fully functioning and he has a skeleton, nerves and blood circulation. Your baby has tiny feet that are fully formed and shaped and could stand on an adult's fingernail. Because the most critical part of baby's development is now over, most birth defects will have already set in you baby's body. The remainder of the pregnancy for your baby will be about rapid growth, organ maturation and getting ready for delivery. Your baby is actually growing so quickly now that he will start out this week being approximately 21 - 25 mm or 0.85 - 1.0 inches and by the end of the week will have doubled that and be approximately 44 - 51 mm or 1.75 - 2.0 inches and weight approximately 7 grams! Your baby's head is still about 1/2 of his body length, and will remain this way for a while. The baby's eyelids are fused now and the irises are developing. Your baby will also begin to get baby teeth, fingernails, toenails and hair follicles this week.
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