Bluesy Like The Rain

I woke up this morning on the bluesy side of the bed. I don't think there is any real reason. I just feel like my life, the really important parts, are just slipping by while I am busy trying to do the things I've convinced myself need to be done.

I've been sleeping in the guest room. Before you get all worried, nothing is wrong with Kelly and I. I snore, so when she wakes up (as she does every hour or so) she can't get back to sleep. So she wakes me up to get me to stop snoring. But I'm a heavy sleeper, so I may roll over and stop for 5 minutes, but then I start again. Usually just as she's starting to fall asleep, thus waking her up. We've always been shitty sleeping companions, but pregnancy has made these usually tolerable problems horrible. I slept in the guest room during my pregnancy and I'm doing it now during hers.

The problem, though, that comes from this is that Kelly and I have always used our time in bed right before we fall asleep to connect on a level that we just can't during the day. It's our time to touch - to be as close to each other as we can be. We hold hands, put our heads and feet together. She warms up on me and I let her. We talk, giggle, dream or just lay together and enjoy the calm that comes from connecting with each other on an unspoken level. When all is "normal" we usually get about a half hour of time like this every day, and then we fall asleep holding each other. It's very, very important time.

I didn't notice the lack of this time when I was pregnant. Probably because I was pregnant, up every hour peeing and basically miserable. And I suspect that is where Kelly is now. She's probably not feeling the same loss that I am because she's busy doing some seriously difficult work. I said at the beginning of this pregnancy that I was excited to see the other side - the non-pregnant partner side. And Kelly told me that it was hard. I didn't believe her. Now I do.

I miss my wife. The stuff about us that makes us an us. We have so little of it right now, because by the time the day is done and Bailey is down, she is exhausted. She simply cannot give me what I am seeking, and the tiny little drops that she eeks out for me between her sickness and her exhaustion feel like insignificant drops in the bucket. I try to savor them and make it last until the next drop, but I end up just getting angry and frustrated. Of course, I'm not really angry and frustrated. I am lonely.

And yet, there is nothing to be done about it. This is where we are right now. Kelly is pregnant and has to be able to go through this pregnancy in whatever way gets her through it. I know about that. I know how hard it is. I also know that in a month or so, it will change again and she'll have a bit more energy. I'll look back on this post and feel bad that I ever felt so bad.

What's worse is that, in many ways, I don't feel like I should be having these feelings and that I certainly shouldn't express them. Kelly is taking on everything that I am feeling these days and blaming herself for any negative emotion I have. I've said a million times that the problem is not her. It's not. It's just where we are, but I can only experience what I am feeling. I can't lie to myself and say that I don't miss our intimacy. I would be a hell of a lot more upset if I didn't miss her. THAT would be a problem.

But I don't want for her to carry my shit. I don't want for her to feel bad. She is doing exactly what she needs to be doing. And I am doing what I need to do to get through this. She worries that I'm not excited about the baby, and I think it's because I'm experiencing difficulties right now. I don't know how to express that it has nothing to do with the baby. I AM excited. I can't wait. But our children are not the only things that make us a couple, and right now, the other parts of us are being overshadowed by this pregnancy.

I blame no one and I recognize that the only way through this is to go through it. I would not change anything. Well, maybe I would. I would change my own response to it. I wish that I could be light-hearted, easy going and chill about this. I wish I could see the bigger picture and not get so hung up on the details. I wish I could be a little less selfish and I wish I needed my wife a little less. It would make it all so much easier if I wasn't so...well...so "Mikki" about everything.

But I am who I am. I can't change that, and so I have to work through it in the only ways that I know how.

So, today it's raining outside which only makes my mood worse. I have to sit in an all day staff retreat and attempt to look engaged.

My consolation is that today is my day to pick up Bailey and I get to spend the evening with her. We love to cook dinner together for Mommy. Nothing makes me happier than having dinner ready for my love when she comes home, with a happy baby on my hip. I love the feeling of connectedness that brings, and so I will look forward to it all day. And then tonight, we will read our week-by-week pregnancy book. I will look forward to this private ritual and remember that today is just one day.