Dear Momma, I Forgive You. Love, Momma.

After more than two and a half years, I have finally forgiven myself. For succumbing to an illness I had no control over. For wanting to leave the woman who was strong enough to love me through the hell I dragged her through. For imagining my child dead to get me through the moments I thought I couldn't bear. For planning my own death over and over again. For believing I was worthless and better dead than alive. For believing that I would never love my children the way I wanted to. For hating her for taking away the life I had before her. For hating my wife. For hating myself, the very air I breathed. For hating every movement and for completely trashing on the very essence of me.

I forgive you. Mikki - do you hear me? I forgive you.

It's real. For those of you who are not yet parents or who got through it without post partum depression, it's very, very real. It happens without reason or warning. It happens even if you spent years planning for that magical moment you become a mother. It happens when you have a loving, supportive partner. It happens when you have family who loves you. It happens when you are watching for it. It comes from no where and it is so foreign to anything you ever thought you would feel that you have no name for it. And nobody is talking about it. The real, hard shit is glossed over in a series of "yeah, but it's worth it right?" and you lose your fucking mind. What do you say when everyone is telling you what your feeling is normal and when you are too ashamed to reveal what you are really thinking? How do you own that? In between exhaustion, poop, feeding, exhaustion, fear, a complete lack of privacy and the constant, pounding screaming? What do you do when you can't even trust your thoughts to your beloved because you can't bear to see your perceived failing reflected back? Where do you turn?

I don't know why or how I survived. I don't know what stopped me from acting on my plans. Kelly loaded our gun at my urging. I told her I was afraid of not being able to protect our child. I asked her to load our gun. I lied to her. I planned my death, down to the timing. So that Bailey would only be alone for a few minutes before Kelly got home from work. I sat for hours every day staring at that gun. I dreamed about the freedom. I imagined pure darkness where I couldn't feel anything. Where my brain would stop pounding me from all sides.

I didn't do it because every time I brought Bailey upstairs at the end of the day, to put her in her crib and pull that trigger, I imagined Kelly walking in. My plan was based on knowing that Kelly could carry on without me. But I could never get past the thought that I didn't think she could survive finding me like that.

Just about a month ago, I shared this with her. That was my last real part of healing. That bright white light has been cast upon that part of my experience. And I forgive myself.

And now, I have shared it with you. Please, if you take anything from this blog, take this message: care for the women and the partners of those women in your life who have children. Really care for them. Go to their homes and do the dirty work. Do the dishes. Do the laundry. Cook. But mostly, be there to see what those people can't tell you. Exhaustion and shame are powerful covers and you can't ask for help when you are so desperate. Kelly couldn't see what was happening with me through her own process of becoming a mother. This single-family mentality has never been more dangerous for women than in the process of birth. Please, reach out to those you love. Make it a priority. Do the dirty work. And watch. You can see what new, exhausted parents cannot.

Over This

Connor is sick again - and all indications point to him also having another ear infection. He's tugging on his right ear almost constantly. On top of that, he spent yesterday vomiting after every feeding. I'm talking big, huge, mouth-gushing, out-the-nose vomiting that left him panting and clinging and wimpering. He's also got loose poop. He's not running a fever.

On the other hand, he ate well last night and the fell asleep and slept through the night. He was asleep by 7 PM and didn't wake up to eat again until this morning at 5 AM. He ate a little bit and seemed to be struggling with it. He snuggled with Kelly and then I rocked him for a while. He fell asleep and is upstairs now sleeping. Kelly and I are preparing to get him into our pediatrician for a sick-day appointment.

(an hour passes)

Okay - well, as I was writing that, Connor woke up. He seemed like he was doing much better. Mommy, Connor and I all snuggled in bed for a while. Connor ate more and then vomited it all up. But he seems to be in good spirits. We'll call the nurse and see what she thinks. We still think he's nursing along another ear infection, but at this point, I'm not sure he could take another round of antibiotics on his sensitive stomach.

These are the parts of parenting that suck completely.

Oh...and...

Bailey picked out the super-pink, ultra girly, ridiculously gross pink jacket. Kelly honored her wishes and that's what she ended up with. I'll gag every time I see it.

But Bailey is happy.

Our Marriage...

...is defined by the 12 years of history and stories we share.

...is defined by the moments we walk into a room and the other's heart stops beating for just a second.

...is defined by the two children we call ours and by the journey of love we took together to bring them into this world.

...is defined by a night spent in the hot tub, sharing wine and promises that endure today.

...is defined by the forgiveness we afford each other for the petty mistakes and the routine annoyance.

...is defined by the comfort of our entwined hands each night as we fall asleep.

...is defined by the shared vision of our future.

...is defined by the most basic truth that there is nobody else who could love us like we love each other.

...is defined by every moment when we choose to stay instead of run.

...is defined by a committement so deep that we would literally move heaven and earth to honor it.

...it is NOT defined by gender.

Fall Blows In

Overnight it seems to have gotten cold in Maryland. Fall is like that here - first, you think it's not going to come and then one day you wake up and the trees are in full color (whatever that means here) and then the next day, it's cold and the leaves are on the ground. The season is wierd. Winter never really comes. It's like this long, dark, cold spell occassionally broken up by an icy "snow" that usually amounts to 3 inches or so. And everyone panics. And annoys the shit out of me.

This year was a bit different. The leaves actually turned colors instead of brown. We have had so much rain that they were able to turn slowly. It was beautiful, but made me ache for Maine and the beauty that is Fall in New England. I don't often miss my home state with such intensity, but this Fall has been hard.

And now it's cold. Kelly, who is home sick today with Bailey...who isn't actually sick, is going to Target to buy her winter jacket. The layered kind. The really warm kind. With a matching hat that fits and some mittens or gloves. She plays outside a lot at school and we need to know she is warm. We're going with purple again this year - it's our pink compromise. She likes girly. We can't do the pepto pink. Purple is often the compromise.

I am dancing around the big pink elephant in the room and that is why I can't say much. You all know by now that when something is going on, the only way to keep it quiet is to not talk at all. I can't, and won't, pretend. But we are not yet ready to release the news about our upcoming plans. We are still planning and things are not completely set yet. But big changes are coming and those changes are all I can think about. So, for now, forgive the surface posts. We should be ready to share the news in a couple of weeks.

He Speaks!!!

Yes, that's right! Our Connor has officially said his first word. He has been making "ma ma ma" sounds for a while, but over the last few days he has started saying "Mumma". He says it in our direction (no differentiation between us). He does not say it during his regular babbling. He very deliberate about it. So...his first word is "Mumma" and it has happened at just over 8 months!! Pretty cool!

He's also creeping. Mind you, he's still not crawling. But he can pull himself up and he is starting to pull himself along the ottamon. He's not doing it regularly - and he can't always pull himself up. He's still in the beginning stages, but it's happening. Bailey was fully walking when she was 10 months old. He's on track for that or sooner.

Connor is also sick. We are on day 4 of this illness. We're not sure what is going on with him, but he keeps getting fevers. He's been out of school for two days and will be home again tomorrow. He'll go back to the doctors. I hope they can figure out what is going on. We are in that stage were he is getting sick constantly. His near-continuous ear infections are not helping. His surgery for tubes and atnoid removal is scheduled for December 2. Hopefully that fixes the ear problems.

Bailey is doing great! We are in such a hot/cold stage with her. She is either an angel or she's a devil. We are working through each moment and things are starting to improve. She is really growing up so quickly...

Kelly and I are doing well. We are in deep discussions...but more on that another day.

Are You Going To Be Happy Today?

That's the question I got from Bailey a few days ago. Like a knife stabbing into my heart, I looked down at the child I adore and then past her to my equally adored son and I realized one thing.

My life isn't working.

I can't do this constantly. I am running ragged trying to balance a demanding job, the pressures of parenting, a ridiculous commute, and a relationship that has so neglected and abused that it is a mere shadow of what it once was. In short, the reality that I am not Super Woman has never been more painfully clear.

Ironically, the decision to make some very real changes has never been so easy.

I am looking for a new job. The only qualities that it must have is a short commute and the ability for us to continue paying the bills. I am purposefully looking for low-level administrative work in the hopes that the meanial tasks will free up some room in my strung out brain. I don't have a set salary in mind, but I am expecting to take a substantial pay cut.

In the end, we will make it work. What doesn't work is what I am doing now. I need to be able to be a parent, with the ability to block some of my stress from my children. Right now, I am so overwhelmed that I am barely able to meet their basic needs. This just is not ever going to be okay with me. Ever. Our children should not have to pay for the life we have chosen, and I will move heaven and earth to make sure that my daughter never wonders if I am going to be happy again.

In happier news, our Connor is working hard at crawling. He rocks on all fours and can pull himself mostly up if given the right platform to grip. We have a standing bet going...Kelly says he will crawl before November 17 and I say after. She's probably going to win this one.

Also, our Connor blows kisses. They are the sweetest kisses I get!

Bailey (AKA - The First-Born Experiment)

This morning, when I discovered I could blog from my blackberry on the bus, I was so excited!!! I actually have TIME on the bus, and there is no other time in my days that I can say that. I will save the availabilty of time discussion for the top 20 list for me and Kelly, though. This is about Bailey.

1) Bailey is one month away from being 2 1/2 years old. She is every bit a two year old, down to the classic meltdowns and the moments where we look at her and wonder where she came from.

2) She knows what she wants, what she doesn't want, how she wants things to happen and how to complain (loudly) if things don't happen the way she is anticipating.

3) Her language skills are off the charts. Of all the things Bailey is good at, it is her language that blows people out of the water. She talks like she is 4, with correct grammer. She pronounces everything correctly and she speaks in full, complete thoughts. She has mastered tenses. Honestly, there is nothing that she needs that she cannot articulate.

4) She is smart. I don't mean this in a bragging parent way. My assessment is based on true, constructive feedback from her care providers and those who interact with her. She "gets" things that a two year old should not get. Like, she gets the concept of time, for example. She knows all of the categories of things that you teach kids her age. Wierd things too, like knowing the difference between a square, a rectangle and a diamond. She's smart.

5) She has stopped potty training. She knows how to do it. She knows when she needs to go. But she doesn't want to do it right now. She still uses the potty at school, in the group setting. But not at home. We're sticking with our relaxed policy. We're letting her lead us on this one.

6) She's a good eater. She still loves fruit. She eats most veggies, although not in the same quantity. She isn't picky and she eats a lot at a time.

7) She is starting to get emotions. For instance, when I am upset with her, she gets worried. She asks me if I am happy. I am having to be very, very careful with my reactions and keep them focused. No more blowing off steam in front of her. Because while she gets the emotion, she does NOT get the nuance. She takes it on and worries that she is to blame. That is NOT something that is okay.

8) She says "fuck". My fault. Completly. I've told her that is an adult word and she cannot use it until she is a grown up. I knew it would happen sooner or later. And, yes, it still makes me laugh.

9) She is a good sleeper. She is comfy in her room, goes to bed easily and sleeps through the night fully. Phew!

10) She is in 4T clothes, size 9 shoes and is big for her age. She's just as beautiful as ever.

11) She has cut her top two year old molers, but the bottom two are not in yet.

12) She is a great dancer and singer and does both frequently.

13) Is an AWESOME big sister. Seriously awesome. She adores her "Connor Buddy" and he adores her.

14) She is as intense as ever, but the increased independance makes that a bit easier to take. Except, of course, when we need her to do something.

15) She alternates between Barney and Elmo DVDs. Right now, it's an Elmo phase.

16) She loves to "call" people on her fake cell phone. Most of the time she "calls" Grammie and Andrea. When we actually get them on the phone, she gets shy.

17) She gets frustrated with us and responds like a teenager sometimes. It's hysterical.

18) Bailey's best friend is Maleah. Her favorite book is any one of the $1 Seseme Street books from Target. Her favorite food is mac and cheese.

19) She likes to pick out her own clothes and will study her closet for a long time to get just the right shirt.

20) She is our first born, and our experiment in parenting. She gets the challenge of blazing the parenting trail with us, and we get the joy of doing it for her. Honestly, she is of my soul. So deeply a part of every fiber of my world that I cannot put it to words. She is our Bailey...and she is perfect.

You Know It's Bad When...

...You start blogging from your blackberry on the bus. There is just no time to blog at work. But things are happening that are worthy of writing down!!!

Connor is the most amazing little boy. He's really developing his personality right now - his preferences are shining through, and while he is laid back most of the time, he is able to be heard when he doesn't like what is happening. Here are some of the Connor highlights:

1) He can sit up, roll over and over and over and get where he wants to go by rolling.

2) He is not yet crawling, although he is really working at it. He gets his arms up and one knee, but hasn't yet put it all together. We are not far from having two mobile children.

3) He still has not shown any teeth, but we are still in teething hell. It seems that, like Bailey, his teeth will come in slowly. This is good - it means they will be very strong - and bad - it will be a slow, painful process. Poor guy has been miserable.

4) He is sitting up in his bath and we have abandoned the baby bath. He loves, loves, loves the water.

5) He has outgrown the swing. Which sucks. The swing rocks.

6) He is still mostly breastfed, drinking about 20 ounces of milk while at school and nursing three or four times while at home. He prefers the breast, still, and Kelly has no intentions of stopping anytime soon.

7) He eats two stage one foods a day (generally a fruit and a veggie). He's a huge fan of bananas, carrots, squash, and sweet potatoes. He has tried many other foods, but prefers the basics.

8) Food is still very much a supplement to breast milk and Connor gets offended if Kelly tries to feed him anything other than breast milk.

9) He goes to bed around 6:30 PM, sleeps until the wee hours (usually 3-4:30 AM), is up to feed, goes back for a few hours and then gets up around 5:30 or 6 AM. He is taking about 2 hours of naps while at school.

10). He clearly recognizes people and has a decided preference for Bailey if she is anywhere around.

11) Connor is a belly sleeper - arms tucked under him, butt in the air. So freakin' cute!!!

12) He is wearing size 4 diapers, 9-12 month clothes and is a long, long baby. He's chunky - with super juicy thighs and arms.

13) He loves his exersaucer and bouncer. Enjoys anything he can put on his mouth and bright colors.

14) He seems to be right on track with his development, which seems slow to us since Bailey was always running so far ahead of her peers.

15) He is making one-sylable sounds (Da, ma, ba) but hasn't yet put them together. Three times, he has clearly said "mommy" while he was whining...but we don't know if it was intentional or an accident.

16) He loves his childcare providers as much as any child can. He gets excited to see them and we love them for it. They seem to love him.

17) He is working on his 4th ear infection and has an appointment with an Ear, Nose, Throat specialist on Friday. Tubes may be in his future!

18) The appointment with the pediatric cardiologist regarding the random blue incidents was good. He has nothing that they can find - not even a tiny heart murmer. Phew!

19) Connor has discovered his penis. When he is not clothed, he tugs and pulls at it constantly, all the while having a big grin plasteres on his face. It makes us laugh.

20) He is all sweetness and light, this boy of ours. He is easy to love, smiling and charming his way into your heart. Bailey is as in love with his as we are.

This has gotten long...stay tuned for the Bailey, and Mommy & Momma top 20 lists soon!

Travel Work Kids Life

Per my usual opening, things have been crazy. Our week away was wonderful. It's never very relaxing traveling with kids, but it was a week at the beach.

Then, we get home and all hell breaks loose. I worked 65 hours the week after we got home. I was preparing a program for work for about 30 young girls from the DC public High Schools. They came to our firm and had a career day of sorts - with individualized counseling and all that. It was a great program, but the logistics of it all were hell. And because I had been out the week before on vacation, it was double-hell. I worked so much and didn't see the kids.

That backed up to working the even on the Saturday. Then, on Monday morning, I boarded a train to New York City, where I stayed until Wednesday night. I got home Wednesday night before Bailey went to bed (Kelly kept her up). Then last night, I had to work a bit late. Tonight, I will leave early...provided that no work comes in late.

All of this is part of the transition away from my old job (MCLE Coordinator in the Attorney Development Department) to my new job (Business Development Coordinator in the BD Department). This is a completely new area of work for me and the time in NY was spent training. I have more information than I could ever actually process and I am learning as I go. Meanwhile, I am trying to train my replacement.

Oh, and raise my kids and be a wife.

I am really looking forward to this weekend. No work. Just my family. I need the time.

Everyone is doing well. Bailey seems to have migrated away from the terrible two phase for right now. She's being sweet. She's listening. She's just been a perfect angel. Connor is growing in leaps and bounds. He was sick again this week, with another double ear infection. This is prompting a visit to the Ear, Nose & Throat specialists. We're hoping to avoid tubes, but at this point, his ear infections are too frequent. And, because he's such a laid back kid, he doesn't start complaining about them until they are raging ear infections. And that is dangerous. THAT is what causes ear damage.

Kelly and I are hanging in there. Occasionally we yell across the chasm that separates us and we're both clinging to the knowledge that we'll find each other when this part of our lives is finished. Craziness is not great for relationships. But, we are in it together.

That's it for now. Work calls.

Too Much

I think that I haven't been writing lately because I feel like one little tip of the scales could send this whole thing crashing into the sea.

I have always tried to be honest on this blog, but sometimes it's hard to admit the truth of things. Kelly and I are struggling so much in this parenting thing. The combination of ridiculous work commutes, children and absolutely no help has us down. Kelly is still recovering from pregnancy and post partum. She's still breastfeeding and pumping almost 20 ounces a day. She's exhausted and her hormones are not back to normal. I'm just starting a new job, which is good, but ads this whole new level of stress and anxiety.

Bailey and Kelly are struggling in their relationship right now. Bailey requires a very, very strong guide to keep her in line. She doesn't respond to subtly or calm. She responds to loud and demanding. She responds to someone who takes no shit and loves just as hard. In short, she responds to the extremes on either end, and Kelly is not extreme in any way. She runs in the middle. And so Bailey just rolls right over her, ignores her and generally makes her life miserable. I think I make it worse, because I try to make it easier on Kelly and so I take the brunt of caring for Bailey. But that just reinforces Bailey's behavior and undermines Kelly.

We can see the problem, but don't have the energy to fix it. It's just easier to conquer and divide - and so we end up with hers and hers children - rather than parenting both equally.

We really are struggling. I'd love to post all kinds of fun, cute little stories and pictures. Yes, of course, those wonderful moments exists. But they feel buried under trying to just make it through every day.

Meanwhile, Kelly and I have never been further away from each other. There just isn't time to maintain us. And while we keep trying to tie our boats together, it feels like we're just slipping apart. And again, we're powerless and lack any energy to fix it.

I keep telling myself that we'll get through this and it will get easier. But that feels like empty words to me. I feel like I'm staring down the black hole of another toddler and the three or four years it's going to take for this to be done feels like forever.

We're struggling. Can you tell?

Our Vacation

So sorry I haven't been writing -we spent last week at the Outer Banks. Things have been super crazy, and I don't have much time to write. I will write the details later.

I am starting my new job today - as BD Coordinator for Latham. I'm excited and nervous and have a million irons in the fire. I hope that everyone doesn't stop reading...I promise, as I slow down a bit, I'll write more.

Running Crazy

I'm busy, busy, busy at work. That's the long and short of it all and quite simply, I don't have time to talk.

But.

I did promise to try to be a better blogger.

These days, I'm just feeling overwhelmed. It used to be that once a year, right around the fall, I got this inexplicable urge to rattle the cage. Make changes. It always correlated really nicely with school starting. It was a change, a new challenge. Even if a week into classes, I was tired of them, the change always worked to pull me out of my funk.

After school, it was the holidays. The approaching fall meant time to plan for what is the best time of the year for me.

This year, nothing is working.

I am restless. Not restless in a bad way - not like I have been after the birth of my children. Restless - like I need to find a purpose. A passion. I am loath to admit that this is probably just another side effect of having young children and commuting and working and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I mean, how fucking boring is that? How uninspired and unoriginal.

I want something. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to find it. And I don't have time to search. I don't have money to buy new experiences.

But more than all of those "don'ts", I don't have time to feel restless.

Somethings gotta give.

The Long Weekend

I'm so glad that today is Friday. Although, I have to admit that the weekends are more work these days than the weeks. Bailey requires lots from me right now, so the weekends are filled with her. BUT - it's a weekend, so that can't be too bad.

Tonight is pizza and beer night. I love Fridays.

I've been busy preparing a holiday calendar of events that will keep us occupied through October, November and December. I have attempted to find a series of things that are local to our home that help me feel more like a part of the community I live in. I'm trying.

Not much else going on. Connor is feeling better. Thank god.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Me and Blogging

Okay - I must admit, I've slacked off on blogging a bit since I became a woman of Facebook. The instant gratification, the ability to quick post updates - those things appeal to my senses. This blog has taken a bit of a back burner in the craziness of normal life, because, well...I spend more time writing here than I do there. And that takes more time. Which is something I don't have.

But last night Kelly wondered out loud if we would be able to memorialized Facebook in the same way that we will do this blog (it will eventually become a book for our children). And, of course, the answer is no. So, here I am today. Posting my entry. I'll try to do this every day...or at least every other day. For my kids. And for those of you who come reading every day!

Connor

Connor had a pretty scary incident happen on Tuesday night. He started fussing at around 9:30 at night - right as we were going to bed. I picked him up and snuggled and rocked him. While I was doing this, I noticed that his breathing sounded wierd. I'm not sure how else to describe it. It just sounded a bit off. I blew it off, thinking that he was sleeping or wimpering or whatever. After about 15 minutes of him drifting in and out of sleep and fussing some more, I decided to take his temperature and perhaps give him some Tylenol. He is still working on those teeth and teething pain has been known to keep him awake at night. I sent Kelly downstairs to get the Tylenol and then turned on the light to to the temp and diaper change. I noticed that he looked strange - faintly blue. Again, I kind of blew this off in my head. It was very low lighting, he was lying on a green blanket and wearing a baby blue sleeper. I just sort of assumed that the reflection of the colors around him coupled with him not feeling great was probably the cause. His temp was nothing - 99.5. Kelly came upstairs and the first thing she said was "does he look blueish to you?" Well, now that we had both had independant observations of this strange coloring, we got a little wierd. I decided to try to make him cry, with the thought that the screaming would get the blood flowing and the big gasps of air would fill his lungs with oxegyn. I pinched his upper thighs and rubbed his body vigorously. He responded a little bit, at one point screwing up his face like it was going to be a blood curdling scream. But, oddly, his face didn't get red. Around his eyes got red, but the rest of him stayed thier weird bluish tint. We started to wonder if we should call 911. Or should we go to the ER. Or should we do nothing and are we being paranoid? I called my Mom. Because, when in doubt, isn't that waht you do?? After describing the symptoms to her (and hearing myself say it all out loud) we decided to call the pediatrician's emergency number. I spoke with a nurse for about 30 minutes. She listened to his breathing. By this time, Connor was happily breast feeding and the breathing from his nose seemed fine. He was responding to stimulus normally. Kelly and I had moved away from panic and into just wondering what the hell happened. In the end, he was fine. He ended up sleeping on my chest for most of the night, because we were just weird about leaving him unattended. He woke up the next morning and seemed perfectly normal.

Of course, a couple of hours after being at daycare, Kelly got a call. Connor has pink eye in both eyes and the start of ear infections in both ears. Apparently, he's had this cold that was happening internally for the most part. He hasn't had a hugely runny nose or anything. But it's caused this pink eye and would have been the cause of two ear infections if we hadn't taken him in. Was this the cause of the weird blue incident? We don't know. But after a round of eye medicine and a dose of antibiotics for all the above, he seems to be feeling much better this morning.

Turns out that Connor's an illness-creeper. He doesn't just display the signs of not feeling well until he REALLY does not feel well. Bailey is the exact opposite. The littlest bit of discomfort is cause for meltdown city and a flat refusal to sleep. Connor can be sick and we don't even know it, and therefore we don't treat it, until it's gotten to the point of no return. He's subtle. It creeps up on us and then WHAM! We have a very sick boy.

Other than this illness, Connor is doing well. He's fully sitting up on his own and is using his ability to roll to get to places. He is working on the mechanics of crawling, but isn't there yet. His teeth have not popped through. It seems that, as with Bailey, his gums are very strong and it takes a lot of work (and time) for them to come through the gums. This is GREAT for his dental health in later years. And horrible for teething, because it's a long and painful process for all of us.

Bailey

There isn't much to report about Bailey. She is status quo right now. Well, I guess I could report that her not listening has taken an uptick in the last couple of days. She is pushing every single boundry that exists and is pushing back when we push her to behave. She is fully two, in every sense of that word. It's exhausting and facinating to watch all at the same time. I love her independance as much as I despise having to be the person who keeps her in line. I like watching her grow and I enjoy the good parts richly. It's the rough stuff that get me down. LOL - that must make me human. All told, she is perfection and horridness all wrapped up into one little-girl package. I am thankful that she is able to be herself and ho through her normal development stages without fear or hesitation. I take that to mean that we are doing something right.

Mikki, Kelly, Momma, Mommy, Us

I put us all together on purpose. We are fine - all sides of us are focused on this crazy thing called parenting and we are eeking out whatever little time for us that we can find. We are perpetually exhausted, but that makes us no different than any other parents of little kids. Vacation in about a week. We need it. We can't wait.

It's All About Poop

It seems that much of what I post about these days is poop. Or extriment in some form or another. But what can I say? We're knee deep in shit and it just keeps piling.

We attempted panties for a full day on Saturday. Or rather, I attempted. Kelly looked at me like I was a fool when I put them on her. And she looked at me in pity when Bailey pooped in her panties. Then again when she pooped in them a second time 15 minutes later. And then again when she peed a river of urine that splashed off the chair, filled her shoes and covered the carpet. I know it takes time, but I was seriously grossed out. We went back to pull ups on Sunday and Bailey didn't use the potty once. *sigh* We'll try again soon. Maybe next weekend?

Connor is officially sleeping through the night. I can say this because he has gone to bed around 7:30 PM and not woken up until around 5 AM for 9 nights in a row. I think this makes it official. The next step is to move him out of our room. Up until a few weeks ago, we had assumed we would move him into Bailey's room and they would share a room. But given that he goes to bed before she does and that she is NOT quiet (and should not be expected to be), he is getting his own room. Which means that the holding pen for all things baby that are not longer needed that we call the guest room needs to be cleaned out. Which means I need to find new owners for all the things we no longer need and don't have room to store. Seems like I'll be pimping Craig's list for a while. Anyone having babies that needs STUFF? We have stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. And more coming.

Since this is the last baby, we are offloading all the stuff we stored when Bailey grew out of it.

We're okay. Kelly is struggling right now. It seems that one of us struggles at any given moment. We both need a break and our week-long, beach vacation in 2 weeks can't come soon enough. The time is needed. The break is needed. The change of scenery is needed. Seriously. I don't want to talk to much on this subject because 1) there are no solutions and 2) it just makes me feel sad, exhausted and strung out.

That's all for now.

Long Time Coming

I am such a bad, bad blogger these days. My only excuse is...well...there are many of them. Suffice to say that life is a tad busier these days than it has been in recent years. I apologize to the faithful readers out there who have gotten used to my long-winded journeys through my mind and details about our life. It's just been so busy. In any event, hopefully this blog won't disappoint!

We'll start with the youngest...

Connor

Our Connor has taken a turn for all grown up overnight. He went from this little cooing, perfect little baby to a full-on REAL baby overnight it seems! To start, he's sitting up fully. On his own. He sits and plays with his toys all by himself. Every now and then he leans too much to one side to get something and can't right himself. Then he tumbles over face first. Or sometimes he gets so excited he can't help himself and throws his little body backwards. We have pillows propped behind him for just these times. It breaks the fall.

Speaking of all grown up - our baby boy celebrated his 6 month birthday yesterday. I can barely believe it has been 6 months, and yet, as with Bailey, I can't remember a world without Connor. He is so deeply ingrained in the fabric of our lives that it's like he was always there. He had is 6 month check up on Friday. Kelly was heartily congratulated for making it through the first 6 months of breast feeding. She got an "A" from the doctor. He congratulated her in a way that made it seems like he would inevitably stop breastfeeding very soon...which isn't going to happen. Both Connor and Kelly are still very committed, and so it continues. He did advise us strongly that Connor needed a multi-vitamin because he's not getting formula. We just blew it off. Sometimes doctors are stupid. He's eating food regularly, but not a lot - he has a container of fruit in the morning and veggies at night. He loves his food. His 6 month stats - he's 18 pounds, 12 ounces and 27 inches long. He's in the 75th percentile for both. He's a chunky, healthy baby boy!

The final proof that our Connor is growing up? He's slept through the night for the past three nights. He is waking up once, but not until around 3 or 3:30 AM and then back to sleep for a few more hours. Good boy!!!! I like children who sleep...LOL!

Bailey

Bailey B also seems to have taken another leap forward. The kids don't seem to progress in small chunks; rather they burst forward into a new development seemingly overnight. She is talking, talking, talking...and getting all her pronouns right. She gets her tenses right 95% of the time. She fully communicates with her words and it's amazing. She's always been a great talker, but these days, it seems like she is talking so far beyond her age. She uses new words every day - big ones or complex ones...and she uses them correctly. You only have to read or say a word one time and she incorporates it into her vocabulary and uses it correctly moving forward. The only thing that she still does wrong is when I ask her "do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you". Her reponse is "carry you". No matter how many times I correct it, she still says it that way.

Today is big day for her - she starts in pre-preschool in her new room at school! This is a program approved by the Maryland Dept. of Education and had a pretty rigorous schedule and activities. Of course, it's pre-preschool. So it's not like real school. But it's a big deal for her and she is in a new room with new teachers. She was very, very excited to arrive this morning.

Another change in Bailey is her eating habits. She's finally eating sandwhiches and things that are multi-layered. I know that sounds strange, but she would never eat foods that were complicated. She liked bland pastas, or one-flavored items. This weekend she plowed through a grilled cheese and the other day, she ate a PB&J. Her first two-year molar is fully through with the other three coming quickly behind.

Potty training has stalled at home. If we take off her clothes, she will go on the potty when she needs to...but she is expressing a preference for wearing a diaper right now. On Thursday, she only went through one pullup at school, though. She went on the potty every time!!!! She's close. We're still not pushing it. It'll happen when it's time.

The Kids

I have to put this category in now, because this weekend the kids developed a relationship. Up until now, they have been aware of each other and Bailey has commented on Connor. She certainly loves him and knows he is there, but he was never really her focus. Same with Connor. But this weekend, that changed. They actively played together. Bailey cooked and fed him from her very own kitchen. Connor played along - reaching out for her and hanging in while she tormented him. It was super-cute and certainly a glimpse into the future.

Mikki/Momma

I am coming off a four-day sickness that kicked my ass. Seriously. The flu-like symptoms started on Wednesday night. Thursday and Friday were horrid. I started feeling better Friday night and was excited, thinking that I was going to have the weekend. But then, Saturday morning, my head cold kicked in. My nose was plugged solid for two days, finally starting to break up last night. I'm still not feeling great - maybe 60% today. Being a sick mother sucks. SUCKS. Other than that, things are okay. Normal. I'm busy with the above with relatively little time for other things and that's okay for now.

Kelly/Mommy

Kelly is hanging in there too. She is struggling a bit with Connor's weird breast-feeding schedule and trying to keep it all in order. She has also had to carry a lot of the weight the last few days because of my illness. She is gearing up for busy season at work. Other than that, not much is going on in her life that is any thing other than the above!

Us

We're okay. We dropped the kids off to a babysitter on Saturday afternoon. We went out to a Japanese steak house and had a great time. We spent some time wondering around Baby's R Us after. It was a very, very nice break. It's amazing to me how quickly we drift right back into "us" when the kids are not around. We're different people with our children and around our children. When we are alone, there is a power shift, a balance shift that happens. I think, for both of us, it's the most comfortable place for US. It's not how we parent, though, so it's important for us to get back there every now and then. We're keeping up our committement to regular dates and things are okay.

That's all for now!

Really...Not Much

Not much is happening. I'm not feeling well. The kids are fine. All is quite normal.

I promise I'll post more later.

Potty Training

Has moved into "Potty Reality". Bailey is very, very close to all the way there. In fact, if we took the intiative and took her diaper off and put on the panties that she chose this weekend, she would be there. In school, she wears pull ups, but they do the bathroom time every 45 minutes. She always pees on the potty and 99.5% of the time, her pull up is not wet. At home, she takes off her pants and pull up most nights and runs naked. When it's time to pee, she sits on the potty and makes it happen. Sometimes we reward, other times not. Last night, right after dinner, she ran to the potty and pooped. Like a big, adult-sized poop.

Funny the amount of congratulations you give for poop well done. LOL

In any event, we still cling a bit to diapers for ease, but we are there. The real question is when we will suck it up and make the final transition.

Random Friday Thoughts

Before I had children, I thought motherhood would come naturally to me. I envisioned these beautiful transitions into selflessness where the only thing that matter was my children. I imagined my marriage taking a natural back burner and that feeling okay, because it would be punctuated by wild sex and sweet, tender moments. I imagined giggles and hugs and moments of sheer beauty, without any of the other moments. Mostly, I imagined that I would continue to live up to my own impossibly high standards and I imagined that I would have the good grace to forgive myself when I didn't.

Silly me.

Motherhood has not come naturally for me. Mothering has come naturally. Being a mother to my children in their moments of greatest need is easy. Being the boo boo kisser and the crying comforter. Keeping track of their progress and their benchmarks and adjusting around it has come naturally. Being prepared with size 3 diapers when the size two ones don't fit - things like that. That is all natural, and easy. Allowing my children to fold into my heart is easy. Knowing that I would still choose this path is easy.

What isn't easy is the selflessness part. Or the part where I give up my relationship most of the time to be a parent. Sometimes I get so frustrated and I have nobody to vent it out on. Just talking about it isn't always enough - I want to throw a fit and be frustrated loudly. And I have to keep my shit in check, because it's not my kids' fault and it's not my wife's fault. It not anyone's fault...it just is.

We juggle a million things at all times. We really never get a break. I'm not sure that any parent every truly lets go of being a parent, but it sure would be nice to be able to just shut it down for a few. I find msyelf missing the freedom of non-parenting and single life. Even in the same breath, I know that I would never go back. I'm tired. I'm stressed out. I need some time to reconnect with my wife - god, I need her again. It's been over two years since we've really connected on the level that we used to. Sometimes I feel like we're lost completely. Other times, I catch a glimpse of us in passing as we each rush off in different directions. Those rare moments, when that look passes between us and the fire burns bright for a few seconds reminds me that we still have the love that created the life we live.

In my logical brain, I know this is temporary. I know, sooner than we would like to imagine, the kids will be out of these early years and will be more autonomous. I know they won't always keep us up every night. I know that there will come a day when they will play with each other and we'll wonder if we even exist in their worlds. I know this. I do. But it doesn't help right now, because right now is when I need some of the pressure lifted. I feel like a steam cooker, and the steam is just building and building.

We're going to the Outer Banks in September. My brother, his two kids, my mother and my best friend will be joining us. I can't wait. My mother is a goddess and she gets where I'm at. She knows how much we need some down time and our children love and trust her. She has cared for them exclusively (when we were in the hospital and for a week or so after we got home). We can leave them in her hands and walk away. Maybe for only a few hours, but a few hours is enough to reconnect. To find ourselves on the beach, alone, with a setting sun.

Parenting for me is hard work. I envy those who can just enter it without the drama. I wish I were one of those people.