That's the question I got from Bailey a few days ago. Like a knife stabbing into my heart, I looked down at the child I adore and then past her to my equally adored son and I realized one thing.
My life isn't working.
I can't do this constantly. I am running ragged trying to balance a demanding job, the pressures of parenting, a ridiculous commute, and a relationship that has so neglected and abused that it is a mere shadow of what it once was. In short, the reality that I am not Super Woman has never been more painfully clear.
Ironically, the decision to make some very real changes has never been so easy.
I am looking for a new job. The only qualities that it must have is a short commute and the ability for us to continue paying the bills. I am purposefully looking for low-level administrative work in the hopes that the meanial tasks will free up some room in my strung out brain. I don't have a set salary in mind, but I am expecting to take a substantial pay cut.
In the end, we will make it work. What doesn't work is what I am doing now. I need to be able to be a parent, with the ability to block some of my stress from my children. Right now, I am so overwhelmed that I am barely able to meet their basic needs. This just is not ever going to be okay with me. Ever. Our children should not have to pay for the life we have chosen, and I will move heaven and earth to make sure that my daughter never wonders if I am going to be happy again.
In happier news, our Connor is working hard at crawling. He rocks on all fours and can pull himself mostly up if given the right platform to grip. We have a standing bet going...Kelly says he will crawl before November 17 and I say after. She's probably going to win this one.
Also, our Connor blows kisses. They are the sweetest kisses I get!
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3 comments:
Mikki,
-It occurs to me that two kids in daycare could negate a low paid admin job. I figured out that to have a job with one child costs me an additional 30K per year in childcare and related job expenses like transportation, prepared foods, and clothing.
-Since you are new to your job I wonder if going to your management to try to adjust things to make things easier....perhaps telework two days a week?
-Random brainstorming thought. You mentioned not being able to sell right now, but I wonder if you could swap in the area? There are people who want to be further out from the city, and there are bunches of houses for sale in my neighborhood.
Best wishes as you work through the best solutions for your family.
I've so enjoyed reading you blog for the past few years. I think I started reading just before Bailey was born. Your blog is one of the most honest accounts of parenting that I have ever stumbled upon. I can't tell you how much that honestly is appreicated. My wife and I are about to begin inseminations at C.F. and it's crazy, but I feel like I've leanred a lot about the journey we are able to take from reading your blog, i.e. pregnancy as an overweight woman, balancing parenting with two demanding jobs, etc....I don't know what my point is here other than to say thank you for sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly. I hope you find a new gig that's close to home and exactly what you are looking for. We're in MoCo and if you'd ever like to get together for coffee, a drink, whatever, I'd love to! I don' want to put my email on here as it's my full name, but just let me know how to get in touch and I will do so. Wow...this has become a novel. Sorry! All the best, Kate
Kate - we would love to get to know you better! My email address is mikkimcfadden@yahoo.com. You can also look me up on Facebook using the same email address. Talk soon!!!
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