New Blog

I wrote on Christmas morning about a new initiative I have for 2010 to blog every day.  For some time I have also wanted to open my blog up to the public - not be so secretive about it.  We initially "went private" because we were posting a lot of personal information.  We were using our real names, posting picture of our children, details about things like when we'll be on vacation.  You know - stuff you don't want out on in the real world. 

So we went private and my blog got limited to those of you who took the initiative to actually ask or  and then sign up for a password and then to come check it every day.

Well, in the new year, I am going to begin a new blog.  I have linked it to this post and there will be a link to it on the sidebar soon.

I have chosen to call it "Our Little & Littler Honey Lite".   The point of it will be to document the lives of our children.  I have to say that I am going to do less soul searching there and more documentation.  Of course, my personality will come through, but the deep shit won't make it to that blog.  Hence...the "Lite".  In any event, this blog will remain open and I may post here from time to time.  Sometimes there are things I just need to get off my chest.  This site will remain password protected.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas 2010, everyone! What a beautiful thing it is to sit in front of a beautiful Christmas tree, loaded with gifts from Santa. I know that the kids are going to wake up soon and the insanity will ensue. Right now, I am loving the quiet, peaceful moments.

I am missing my family this year in a way that I haven't in years. I am craving the load craziness that we used to have - the joy, the noise, the people. I wish that I were surrounded, and that our children had the same kind of excitment that I had growing up. I can only do so much to create magic - sometimes other people are needed. I spent quite a bit of time yesterday crying - I'm not that there was any reason, except feeling lonely.

A conversation with Andrea helped pull me out my funk. Last night ended well, although early.

After an incredibly festive season, I am ready to put Christmas away this year and excited to think about how I will avoid these blues next year. We'll be with family - or family will be with us - in some way.

I have a new initiative for this coming year. My goal is to blog every morning, before the kids get up. I have missed blogging my life. I haven't made much time for it and I miss it. I like having the record. The other, more important reason, is that I want to keep a record of how our first year goes as a stay-at-home family. The good, the awesome...the difficult. All of it. I want to have a clear record, so that if lose sight, I have something to look back at.

So, that is my New Year's resolution. There is more, but I need to make a pumpkin pie before the family wakes up. I need to get it in the oven so that we are able to put the cinnamon rolls in the oven - as is our tradition - when everyone wakes up.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

For My Children

Bailey and Connor. My loves. You are the joy in my life...really the joy of my life. You are the reason for all I do, and everything happens with you at the front of my heart.

These last few months have been chaotic at best. We have all struggled a bit and the ground has felt shaky.

I have decided to leave my job and be your Momma exclusively. A part of me has struggled with this decision, because I do not want you to think less of me for not being a powerful business woman and your parent. I want you to see me as strong, capable and able. I am afraid, in some ways, of not making my own money and not having all the luxuries of working. I am a bit apprehensive about spending all day, every day defined as your parent and what that means for the woman who is not your parent.

But then, my loves, I look at you. And I realze that every moment I spend away from you is a moment of your life I miss. I look at you and I see the best definition of me that I have ever known. I feel your hugs and the way my body aches after carrying one or both of you for extended periods of time, and I know that there is nothing else I would rather do.

The losses in this decision are few, and carry no weight, when I am with you.

Sometimes I feel like I don't say enough how truly central you are to my life. I cannot imagine a world that did not include the two of you.

Connor, my beautiful son. You are everything I ever dreamed you would be. You love with such openness and the joy you find in the world has opened my heart to it's beauty. I love your nose crinkle when you smile and the way your tongue is always out of your mouth. I love how you crawl - with your head down, barreling forward. And I love how you stop in the middle of it, sit up and look around to make sure you are still on course. I hope that measured trait stays with you. I love how you grab and taste everything and your impish smile when you know you are doing something you shouldn't. Most of all, I love that perfect baby pout of yours and the way your face crumples when you don't get your way. You have moved into our family, with all the grace and beauty that is you. I simply adore you, son of mine.

And Bailey. God, I almost cannot find words. You are the daughter that I dreamed of. I know you from somewhere so deep and primal. You are spirited, joyful and fully engaged in the world. You usher me through every "first" in parenting, and flawed though I may be, your love for me remains pure. You are such a gift to me. You giggles, your pouts, your tears, your wonder - through you, I see the world and your life has defined my place in it. I only hope that I can give you a fraction of what you have already given me.

My loves, your Mommy and I are strong. I know that sometimes we fight and you see it. But trust in this: we are okay and we will be. Our love started long before you were born, and it endures as strongly as it ever was. I hope that you see in us what true love can be. I hope that when it is your turn to find love, that we are a model for you to use. I love your Mommy. Our lives are forever braided together, and no amount of daily stress can change that. We will be your parents, always. We will love you, and each other, without condition or fail.

My sweet babes, I love you. From the very tips of my toes to the depths of my soul. Always.

Your Momma

I Should Be Working

But not for long!!!! It's almost 10 PM at night - and I should be working. But I find myself so frustrated with work right now, and I am short-timing in a major way. The Christmas tree is sparkling at me and I am so distracted.

Life is good right now. I feel like I can breathe. There are still the normal conflicts - the daily shit that just drudges up when you have two people as different as Kelly and I trying to make a life together. But me - the inside me - is finally feeling a sense of calm and purpose.

January 6th is the new date. I am submitting my notice on December 21 - the Monday following the Friday when I get my year-end bonus. I am done January 6th - staying long enough into the new year to collect my 401K partner match for 2009 and to ensure that I have my medical and dental insurance until the end of January. But then, the work part of my life is done for now.

It's amazing - I feel like I've been chasing my tail for years with my career. First - I never really had a career. I had jobs that paid well (for the most part) and that provided me with insurance. In other words - I was a grown up. But my jobs never, ever felt like career paths to me. I mean, I don't want to work in a law firm my entire life. Honestly, I don't like lawyers that much (no offense to any lawyers out there). I've worked for big firms where the lawyers make a shitload of money and the staff make peanuts in comparision. I've shined - I've been a super hard worker and kicked ass. But I've never felt like I was doing something that I just HAD to do for the rest of my life. It was just always what I was doing at the time - nothing more.

And then I had kids and the job was just what I was doing because I needed the income. While I pregnant, my current job provided me with great health insurance and then a fully paid maternity leave. After Connor was born, this same job gave me 8 weeks to be with them. I mean, it's been awesome. And I've worked my ass off for them.

But now, I have a new focus. My entire gaze has turned inward to my family. The second I gave myself permission to let go of the image I held of myself as a big, powerful worker, my entire focus shifted. Which was my first sign that I had been focusing in the wrong place all along.

I know this for sure - for right now, this is the very best and most right choice. I belong with my children. They need me and I need them. My wife needs a wife. My home needs a full time caretaker. Our life as a family needs a shepard - a guide. We need the organization and the attention that comes from having an adult devoted to nothing more than making the 1000 piece puzzle that is raising children come together. And there is no person better suited to this than me.

I am bracing myself for the challenges, and I know there will be many. I have good friends who are around, who are stay at home Moms themselves, who I have been in close contact with. I am asking the tough questions and really listening to what people are telling me. Mostly, I'm listening to my gut. My gut tells me to take this slowly, to expect transitional issues from all four of us, to not create an image of how it's going to be and to be ready to be flexible.

I am as ready as I can be for this new phase in my life. I have no idea what comes next. I am leaving it in the hands of fate. For now, I am going to allow myself to stop worrying about the world at large and just let myself focus here - on my home, my family and myself.

Connor P

Connor had his surgery yesterday for tube insertion and ateniod removal. Mommy and Momma were worried, but all went well. We reported to Children's Hospital at 5:45 AM. Neither of us had slept much, we were short on caffine and hadn't really eaten. We registered quickly - having to do a bit of education about being a two woman family. Kelly was holding Connor and I was handling the paperwork. Well, the woman registering us was weirded out by that and wanted Kelly to sign. Connor was a bit freaked out, though, and prefers Kelly when he is in those moods. I wasn't about to take him and piss him off right before surgery. So I told her that, even though Kelly was the bio mom, I would be signing the paperwork. She then spent 5 minutes examining the adoption decree (which we had brought with us) to make sure that was going to be acceptable. In the end, it was fine and I didn't need to make a scene.

After registration, we waited. But not for long. They brought us back and had us change Connor into a gown. Seriously - they have little hospital gowns for tiny people! Sad and super cute. We got him changed, the nurses checked him out and cleared him for surgery. We waited in this crowded playroom for a while and then finally talked to the anesthesiologist. We asked if we could be in the room when Connor was put to sleep, but after checking they said no. In the end, I think that was for the best. Our nervousness would have made him more nervous. Then we spoke with our doctor's assistants. Then we waited. They finally came back to take Connor to surgery at 7:50 AM. We walked with him and then they took him from us. He didn't cry when he was taken...thank god.

The surgery took just about an hour. They had a monitor that told us when the surgery was complete. While we were waiting to be called back, the doctor's assistant came out and let us know that everything was fine. Connor did great. We were allowed back to recovery about 10 minutes later. Connor was groggy and in pain. They gave him a narcotic and it helped. They also gave him a Tylenol suppository and told us that he would be uncomfortable for the day, but would likely be back to himself by the next day.

The first few hours were a bit rough - he slept off and on, but when he was awake, he wasn't happy. By about 2:30, he seemed to be feeling better, though and was up and crawling and playing.

Kelly, on the other hand, got a massive migraine from the stress, lack of food, lack of caffine and very little sleep. Poor woman. After a short nap and some food, she was feeling a bit better.

We are home with Connor again today, but plan to finish up some Christmas shopping. It's gonna be a festive day!

All told, we are happy with the outcome. We hated our doctor - Dr. Zal Zal. He never did come to see us - before or after the surgery. It wasn't until we made a comment to the recovery nurse (who was amazing) that we hadn't seen the surgeon that he showed up. He walked into the recovery room, stayed for about 2 minutes, spouted off instructions we already had, and then left. If Connor ends up needing tubes again or his tonsils out, we'll go to a different doctor.

Well, we survived our first surgery...LOL!

Ramblings

Kelly was quick to point out that my last posy was wrong...LOL! Connor was only a couple of days away from being 9 months old when his tooth was cut...not 8 1/2 months. AND, we had not moved the crib to the lowest setting...it was moved to the middle setting.

But, since that post, it has gone down to the lowest. And Connor has gone from a tentative crawler to a full blown crawler! On Saturday, he just took off. He's a boy on the move!

His 9 month check up was yesterday. He weighed 21 pounds, 11 ounces. For the life of me, I can't remember his length, but I know he was very close to the 75th percentile. He's a big boy! He was also given the first of two H1N1 shots and a hep B vaccine. Then we had to get his blood drawn. He was cleared for surgery next week.

So, I think the time has come to let you all in on the newest plans. On December 31st, I am submitting my notice and staying home with our kids. I have always said that I never wanted to do this, but once again, fate called my bluff. Turns out that forgiving myself allowed me to see beyond my fear and my own perception of myself as an unfit parent. I want to be with my kids. My life revolves around my family. I am so tired of allowing the insanity of my job come before them. We worked it out financially, and on January 15, I start a new job. Probably the hardest one I've ever had! But I can't wait.

Kelly, with her characteristic risk management, has been hesitant. She agrees with all the "why's" but she worries about me. Which makes her a good wife. She's on board and together we will make this work.

I am excited, and feel like I have found the right solution for right now. No promises for the future - I'm not making plans. For now, I'm going to do this...later? Who knows...and frankly, who cares?

He Has a Tooth!

He's leaping through life again, friends...

Connor finally, finally, finally has his first tooth at just about 8 1/2 months.

And he's standing for periods of time on his own. Not long, of course, but getting there. We had to move the crib down to the lowest setting so that he would not fall out when he stands up in it.

God, it's going fast.

Grown Up Overnight

It seems that our children grow up in lurches and leaps instead of the slow pace we might wish for.

Over the course of last night Connor crawled for the first time and pulled himself up to standing in his crib for the first time!

The crawling ended a long-running bet between Kelly and I. I arbitrarily picked November 17 out of the air and said he wouldn't crawl until after that date. Little man beat my date by two days!!!

As for the crib standing - it ushers us into what is fast becoming a sleep problem. Connor doesn't like to be left. Ever. The second you lay him down, he screams. Now, he has the ability to stand up and look for us.

His days in our room are numbered...but Kelly is in charge of this decision, so I am backing off and letting her decide. After all, when he is up in the night, it is her (and her breasts) he want. I firmly believe that the partner handling the load gets the lion's share of the decision...

More later!

Dear Momma, I Forgive You. Love, Momma.

After more than two and a half years, I have finally forgiven myself. For succumbing to an illness I had no control over. For wanting to leave the woman who was strong enough to love me through the hell I dragged her through. For imagining my child dead to get me through the moments I thought I couldn't bear. For planning my own death over and over again. For believing I was worthless and better dead than alive. For believing that I would never love my children the way I wanted to. For hating her for taking away the life I had before her. For hating my wife. For hating myself, the very air I breathed. For hating every movement and for completely trashing on the very essence of me.

I forgive you. Mikki - do you hear me? I forgive you.

It's real. For those of you who are not yet parents or who got through it without post partum depression, it's very, very real. It happens without reason or warning. It happens even if you spent years planning for that magical moment you become a mother. It happens when you have a loving, supportive partner. It happens when you have family who loves you. It happens when you are watching for it. It comes from no where and it is so foreign to anything you ever thought you would feel that you have no name for it. And nobody is talking about it. The real, hard shit is glossed over in a series of "yeah, but it's worth it right?" and you lose your fucking mind. What do you say when everyone is telling you what your feeling is normal and when you are too ashamed to reveal what you are really thinking? How do you own that? In between exhaustion, poop, feeding, exhaustion, fear, a complete lack of privacy and the constant, pounding screaming? What do you do when you can't even trust your thoughts to your beloved because you can't bear to see your perceived failing reflected back? Where do you turn?

I don't know why or how I survived. I don't know what stopped me from acting on my plans. Kelly loaded our gun at my urging. I told her I was afraid of not being able to protect our child. I asked her to load our gun. I lied to her. I planned my death, down to the timing. So that Bailey would only be alone for a few minutes before Kelly got home from work. I sat for hours every day staring at that gun. I dreamed about the freedom. I imagined pure darkness where I couldn't feel anything. Where my brain would stop pounding me from all sides.

I didn't do it because every time I brought Bailey upstairs at the end of the day, to put her in her crib and pull that trigger, I imagined Kelly walking in. My plan was based on knowing that Kelly could carry on without me. But I could never get past the thought that I didn't think she could survive finding me like that.

Just about a month ago, I shared this with her. That was my last real part of healing. That bright white light has been cast upon that part of my experience. And I forgive myself.

And now, I have shared it with you. Please, if you take anything from this blog, take this message: care for the women and the partners of those women in your life who have children. Really care for them. Go to their homes and do the dirty work. Do the dishes. Do the laundry. Cook. But mostly, be there to see what those people can't tell you. Exhaustion and shame are powerful covers and you can't ask for help when you are so desperate. Kelly couldn't see what was happening with me through her own process of becoming a mother. This single-family mentality has never been more dangerous for women than in the process of birth. Please, reach out to those you love. Make it a priority. Do the dirty work. And watch. You can see what new, exhausted parents cannot.

Over This

Connor is sick again - and all indications point to him also having another ear infection. He's tugging on his right ear almost constantly. On top of that, he spent yesterday vomiting after every feeding. I'm talking big, huge, mouth-gushing, out-the-nose vomiting that left him panting and clinging and wimpering. He's also got loose poop. He's not running a fever.

On the other hand, he ate well last night and the fell asleep and slept through the night. He was asleep by 7 PM and didn't wake up to eat again until this morning at 5 AM. He ate a little bit and seemed to be struggling with it. He snuggled with Kelly and then I rocked him for a while. He fell asleep and is upstairs now sleeping. Kelly and I are preparing to get him into our pediatrician for a sick-day appointment.

(an hour passes)

Okay - well, as I was writing that, Connor woke up. He seemed like he was doing much better. Mommy, Connor and I all snuggled in bed for a while. Connor ate more and then vomited it all up. But he seems to be in good spirits. We'll call the nurse and see what she thinks. We still think he's nursing along another ear infection, but at this point, I'm not sure he could take another round of antibiotics on his sensitive stomach.

These are the parts of parenting that suck completely.

Oh...and...

Bailey picked out the super-pink, ultra girly, ridiculously gross pink jacket. Kelly honored her wishes and that's what she ended up with. I'll gag every time I see it.

But Bailey is happy.

Our Marriage...

...is defined by the 12 years of history and stories we share.

...is defined by the moments we walk into a room and the other's heart stops beating for just a second.

...is defined by the two children we call ours and by the journey of love we took together to bring them into this world.

...is defined by a night spent in the hot tub, sharing wine and promises that endure today.

...is defined by the forgiveness we afford each other for the petty mistakes and the routine annoyance.

...is defined by the comfort of our entwined hands each night as we fall asleep.

...is defined by the shared vision of our future.

...is defined by the most basic truth that there is nobody else who could love us like we love each other.

...is defined by every moment when we choose to stay instead of run.

...is defined by a committement so deep that we would literally move heaven and earth to honor it.

...it is NOT defined by gender.

Fall Blows In

Overnight it seems to have gotten cold in Maryland. Fall is like that here - first, you think it's not going to come and then one day you wake up and the trees are in full color (whatever that means here) and then the next day, it's cold and the leaves are on the ground. The season is wierd. Winter never really comes. It's like this long, dark, cold spell occassionally broken up by an icy "snow" that usually amounts to 3 inches or so. And everyone panics. And annoys the shit out of me.

This year was a bit different. The leaves actually turned colors instead of brown. We have had so much rain that they were able to turn slowly. It was beautiful, but made me ache for Maine and the beauty that is Fall in New England. I don't often miss my home state with such intensity, but this Fall has been hard.

And now it's cold. Kelly, who is home sick today with Bailey...who isn't actually sick, is going to Target to buy her winter jacket. The layered kind. The really warm kind. With a matching hat that fits and some mittens or gloves. She plays outside a lot at school and we need to know she is warm. We're going with purple again this year - it's our pink compromise. She likes girly. We can't do the pepto pink. Purple is often the compromise.

I am dancing around the big pink elephant in the room and that is why I can't say much. You all know by now that when something is going on, the only way to keep it quiet is to not talk at all. I can't, and won't, pretend. But we are not yet ready to release the news about our upcoming plans. We are still planning and things are not completely set yet. But big changes are coming and those changes are all I can think about. So, for now, forgive the surface posts. We should be ready to share the news in a couple of weeks.

He Speaks!!!

Yes, that's right! Our Connor has officially said his first word. He has been making "ma ma ma" sounds for a while, but over the last few days he has started saying "Mumma". He says it in our direction (no differentiation between us). He does not say it during his regular babbling. He very deliberate about it. So...his first word is "Mumma" and it has happened at just over 8 months!! Pretty cool!

He's also creeping. Mind you, he's still not crawling. But he can pull himself up and he is starting to pull himself along the ottamon. He's not doing it regularly - and he can't always pull himself up. He's still in the beginning stages, but it's happening. Bailey was fully walking when she was 10 months old. He's on track for that or sooner.

Connor is also sick. We are on day 4 of this illness. We're not sure what is going on with him, but he keeps getting fevers. He's been out of school for two days and will be home again tomorrow. He'll go back to the doctors. I hope they can figure out what is going on. We are in that stage were he is getting sick constantly. His near-continuous ear infections are not helping. His surgery for tubes and atnoid removal is scheduled for December 2. Hopefully that fixes the ear problems.

Bailey is doing great! We are in such a hot/cold stage with her. She is either an angel or she's a devil. We are working through each moment and things are starting to improve. She is really growing up so quickly...

Kelly and I are doing well. We are in deep discussions...but more on that another day.

Are You Going To Be Happy Today?

That's the question I got from Bailey a few days ago. Like a knife stabbing into my heart, I looked down at the child I adore and then past her to my equally adored son and I realized one thing.

My life isn't working.

I can't do this constantly. I am running ragged trying to balance a demanding job, the pressures of parenting, a ridiculous commute, and a relationship that has so neglected and abused that it is a mere shadow of what it once was. In short, the reality that I am not Super Woman has never been more painfully clear.

Ironically, the decision to make some very real changes has never been so easy.

I am looking for a new job. The only qualities that it must have is a short commute and the ability for us to continue paying the bills. I am purposefully looking for low-level administrative work in the hopes that the meanial tasks will free up some room in my strung out brain. I don't have a set salary in mind, but I am expecting to take a substantial pay cut.

In the end, we will make it work. What doesn't work is what I am doing now. I need to be able to be a parent, with the ability to block some of my stress from my children. Right now, I am so overwhelmed that I am barely able to meet their basic needs. This just is not ever going to be okay with me. Ever. Our children should not have to pay for the life we have chosen, and I will move heaven and earth to make sure that my daughter never wonders if I am going to be happy again.

In happier news, our Connor is working hard at crawling. He rocks on all fours and can pull himself mostly up if given the right platform to grip. We have a standing bet going...Kelly says he will crawl before November 17 and I say after. She's probably going to win this one.

Also, our Connor blows kisses. They are the sweetest kisses I get!

Bailey (AKA - The First-Born Experiment)

This morning, when I discovered I could blog from my blackberry on the bus, I was so excited!!! I actually have TIME on the bus, and there is no other time in my days that I can say that. I will save the availabilty of time discussion for the top 20 list for me and Kelly, though. This is about Bailey.

1) Bailey is one month away from being 2 1/2 years old. She is every bit a two year old, down to the classic meltdowns and the moments where we look at her and wonder where she came from.

2) She knows what she wants, what she doesn't want, how she wants things to happen and how to complain (loudly) if things don't happen the way she is anticipating.

3) Her language skills are off the charts. Of all the things Bailey is good at, it is her language that blows people out of the water. She talks like she is 4, with correct grammer. She pronounces everything correctly and she speaks in full, complete thoughts. She has mastered tenses. Honestly, there is nothing that she needs that she cannot articulate.

4) She is smart. I don't mean this in a bragging parent way. My assessment is based on true, constructive feedback from her care providers and those who interact with her. She "gets" things that a two year old should not get. Like, she gets the concept of time, for example. She knows all of the categories of things that you teach kids her age. Wierd things too, like knowing the difference between a square, a rectangle and a diamond. She's smart.

5) She has stopped potty training. She knows how to do it. She knows when she needs to go. But she doesn't want to do it right now. She still uses the potty at school, in the group setting. But not at home. We're sticking with our relaxed policy. We're letting her lead us on this one.

6) She's a good eater. She still loves fruit. She eats most veggies, although not in the same quantity. She isn't picky and she eats a lot at a time.

7) She is starting to get emotions. For instance, when I am upset with her, she gets worried. She asks me if I am happy. I am having to be very, very careful with my reactions and keep them focused. No more blowing off steam in front of her. Because while she gets the emotion, she does NOT get the nuance. She takes it on and worries that she is to blame. That is NOT something that is okay.

8) She says "fuck". My fault. Completly. I've told her that is an adult word and she cannot use it until she is a grown up. I knew it would happen sooner or later. And, yes, it still makes me laugh.

9) She is a good sleeper. She is comfy in her room, goes to bed easily and sleeps through the night fully. Phew!

10) She is in 4T clothes, size 9 shoes and is big for her age. She's just as beautiful as ever.

11) She has cut her top two year old molers, but the bottom two are not in yet.

12) She is a great dancer and singer and does both frequently.

13) Is an AWESOME big sister. Seriously awesome. She adores her "Connor Buddy" and he adores her.

14) She is as intense as ever, but the increased independance makes that a bit easier to take. Except, of course, when we need her to do something.

15) She alternates between Barney and Elmo DVDs. Right now, it's an Elmo phase.

16) She loves to "call" people on her fake cell phone. Most of the time she "calls" Grammie and Andrea. When we actually get them on the phone, she gets shy.

17) She gets frustrated with us and responds like a teenager sometimes. It's hysterical.

18) Bailey's best friend is Maleah. Her favorite book is any one of the $1 Seseme Street books from Target. Her favorite food is mac and cheese.

19) She likes to pick out her own clothes and will study her closet for a long time to get just the right shirt.

20) She is our first born, and our experiment in parenting. She gets the challenge of blazing the parenting trail with us, and we get the joy of doing it for her. Honestly, she is of my soul. So deeply a part of every fiber of my world that I cannot put it to words. She is our Bailey...and she is perfect.

You Know It's Bad When...

...You start blogging from your blackberry on the bus. There is just no time to blog at work. But things are happening that are worthy of writing down!!!

Connor is the most amazing little boy. He's really developing his personality right now - his preferences are shining through, and while he is laid back most of the time, he is able to be heard when he doesn't like what is happening. Here are some of the Connor highlights:

1) He can sit up, roll over and over and over and get where he wants to go by rolling.

2) He is not yet crawling, although he is really working at it. He gets his arms up and one knee, but hasn't yet put it all together. We are not far from having two mobile children.

3) He still has not shown any teeth, but we are still in teething hell. It seems that, like Bailey, his teeth will come in slowly. This is good - it means they will be very strong - and bad - it will be a slow, painful process. Poor guy has been miserable.

4) He is sitting up in his bath and we have abandoned the baby bath. He loves, loves, loves the water.

5) He has outgrown the swing. Which sucks. The swing rocks.

6) He is still mostly breastfed, drinking about 20 ounces of milk while at school and nursing three or four times while at home. He prefers the breast, still, and Kelly has no intentions of stopping anytime soon.

7) He eats two stage one foods a day (generally a fruit and a veggie). He's a huge fan of bananas, carrots, squash, and sweet potatoes. He has tried many other foods, but prefers the basics.

8) Food is still very much a supplement to breast milk and Connor gets offended if Kelly tries to feed him anything other than breast milk.

9) He goes to bed around 6:30 PM, sleeps until the wee hours (usually 3-4:30 AM), is up to feed, goes back for a few hours and then gets up around 5:30 or 6 AM. He is taking about 2 hours of naps while at school.

10). He clearly recognizes people and has a decided preference for Bailey if she is anywhere around.

11) Connor is a belly sleeper - arms tucked under him, butt in the air. So freakin' cute!!!

12) He is wearing size 4 diapers, 9-12 month clothes and is a long, long baby. He's chunky - with super juicy thighs and arms.

13) He loves his exersaucer and bouncer. Enjoys anything he can put on his mouth and bright colors.

14) He seems to be right on track with his development, which seems slow to us since Bailey was always running so far ahead of her peers.

15) He is making one-sylable sounds (Da, ma, ba) but hasn't yet put them together. Three times, he has clearly said "mommy" while he was whining...but we don't know if it was intentional or an accident.

16) He loves his childcare providers as much as any child can. He gets excited to see them and we love them for it. They seem to love him.

17) He is working on his 4th ear infection and has an appointment with an Ear, Nose, Throat specialist on Friday. Tubes may be in his future!

18) The appointment with the pediatric cardiologist regarding the random blue incidents was good. He has nothing that they can find - not even a tiny heart murmer. Phew!

19) Connor has discovered his penis. When he is not clothed, he tugs and pulls at it constantly, all the while having a big grin plasteres on his face. It makes us laugh.

20) He is all sweetness and light, this boy of ours. He is easy to love, smiling and charming his way into your heart. Bailey is as in love with his as we are.

This has gotten long...stay tuned for the Bailey, and Mommy & Momma top 20 lists soon!

Travel Work Kids Life

Per my usual opening, things have been crazy. Our week away was wonderful. It's never very relaxing traveling with kids, but it was a week at the beach.

Then, we get home and all hell breaks loose. I worked 65 hours the week after we got home. I was preparing a program for work for about 30 young girls from the DC public High Schools. They came to our firm and had a career day of sorts - with individualized counseling and all that. It was a great program, but the logistics of it all were hell. And because I had been out the week before on vacation, it was double-hell. I worked so much and didn't see the kids.

That backed up to working the even on the Saturday. Then, on Monday morning, I boarded a train to New York City, where I stayed until Wednesday night. I got home Wednesday night before Bailey went to bed (Kelly kept her up). Then last night, I had to work a bit late. Tonight, I will leave early...provided that no work comes in late.

All of this is part of the transition away from my old job (MCLE Coordinator in the Attorney Development Department) to my new job (Business Development Coordinator in the BD Department). This is a completely new area of work for me and the time in NY was spent training. I have more information than I could ever actually process and I am learning as I go. Meanwhile, I am trying to train my replacement.

Oh, and raise my kids and be a wife.

I am really looking forward to this weekend. No work. Just my family. I need the time.

Everyone is doing well. Bailey seems to have migrated away from the terrible two phase for right now. She's being sweet. She's listening. She's just been a perfect angel. Connor is growing in leaps and bounds. He was sick again this week, with another double ear infection. This is prompting a visit to the Ear, Nose & Throat specialists. We're hoping to avoid tubes, but at this point, his ear infections are too frequent. And, because he's such a laid back kid, he doesn't start complaining about them until they are raging ear infections. And that is dangerous. THAT is what causes ear damage.

Kelly and I are hanging in there. Occasionally we yell across the chasm that separates us and we're both clinging to the knowledge that we'll find each other when this part of our lives is finished. Craziness is not great for relationships. But, we are in it together.

That's it for now. Work calls.

Too Much

I think that I haven't been writing lately because I feel like one little tip of the scales could send this whole thing crashing into the sea.

I have always tried to be honest on this blog, but sometimes it's hard to admit the truth of things. Kelly and I are struggling so much in this parenting thing. The combination of ridiculous work commutes, children and absolutely no help has us down. Kelly is still recovering from pregnancy and post partum. She's still breastfeeding and pumping almost 20 ounces a day. She's exhausted and her hormones are not back to normal. I'm just starting a new job, which is good, but ads this whole new level of stress and anxiety.

Bailey and Kelly are struggling in their relationship right now. Bailey requires a very, very strong guide to keep her in line. She doesn't respond to subtly or calm. She responds to loud and demanding. She responds to someone who takes no shit and loves just as hard. In short, she responds to the extremes on either end, and Kelly is not extreme in any way. She runs in the middle. And so Bailey just rolls right over her, ignores her and generally makes her life miserable. I think I make it worse, because I try to make it easier on Kelly and so I take the brunt of caring for Bailey. But that just reinforces Bailey's behavior and undermines Kelly.

We can see the problem, but don't have the energy to fix it. It's just easier to conquer and divide - and so we end up with hers and hers children - rather than parenting both equally.

We really are struggling. I'd love to post all kinds of fun, cute little stories and pictures. Yes, of course, those wonderful moments exists. But they feel buried under trying to just make it through every day.

Meanwhile, Kelly and I have never been further away from each other. There just isn't time to maintain us. And while we keep trying to tie our boats together, it feels like we're just slipping apart. And again, we're powerless and lack any energy to fix it.

I keep telling myself that we'll get through this and it will get easier. But that feels like empty words to me. I feel like I'm staring down the black hole of another toddler and the three or four years it's going to take for this to be done feels like forever.

We're struggling. Can you tell?

Our Vacation

So sorry I haven't been writing -we spent last week at the Outer Banks. Things have been super crazy, and I don't have much time to write. I will write the details later.

I am starting my new job today - as BD Coordinator for Latham. I'm excited and nervous and have a million irons in the fire. I hope that everyone doesn't stop reading...I promise, as I slow down a bit, I'll write more.

Running Crazy

I'm busy, busy, busy at work. That's the long and short of it all and quite simply, I don't have time to talk.

But.

I did promise to try to be a better blogger.

These days, I'm just feeling overwhelmed. It used to be that once a year, right around the fall, I got this inexplicable urge to rattle the cage. Make changes. It always correlated really nicely with school starting. It was a change, a new challenge. Even if a week into classes, I was tired of them, the change always worked to pull me out of my funk.

After school, it was the holidays. The approaching fall meant time to plan for what is the best time of the year for me.

This year, nothing is working.

I am restless. Not restless in a bad way - not like I have been after the birth of my children. Restless - like I need to find a purpose. A passion. I am loath to admit that this is probably just another side effect of having young children and commuting and working and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I mean, how fucking boring is that? How uninspired and unoriginal.

I want something. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to find it. And I don't have time to search. I don't have money to buy new experiences.

But more than all of those "don'ts", I don't have time to feel restless.

Somethings gotta give.

The Long Weekend

I'm so glad that today is Friday. Although, I have to admit that the weekends are more work these days than the weeks. Bailey requires lots from me right now, so the weekends are filled with her. BUT - it's a weekend, so that can't be too bad.

Tonight is pizza and beer night. I love Fridays.

I've been busy preparing a holiday calendar of events that will keep us occupied through October, November and December. I have attempted to find a series of things that are local to our home that help me feel more like a part of the community I live in. I'm trying.

Not much else going on. Connor is feeling better. Thank god.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Me and Blogging

Okay - I must admit, I've slacked off on blogging a bit since I became a woman of Facebook. The instant gratification, the ability to quick post updates - those things appeal to my senses. This blog has taken a bit of a back burner in the craziness of normal life, because, well...I spend more time writing here than I do there. And that takes more time. Which is something I don't have.

But last night Kelly wondered out loud if we would be able to memorialized Facebook in the same way that we will do this blog (it will eventually become a book for our children). And, of course, the answer is no. So, here I am today. Posting my entry. I'll try to do this every day...or at least every other day. For my kids. And for those of you who come reading every day!

Connor

Connor had a pretty scary incident happen on Tuesday night. He started fussing at around 9:30 at night - right as we were going to bed. I picked him up and snuggled and rocked him. While I was doing this, I noticed that his breathing sounded wierd. I'm not sure how else to describe it. It just sounded a bit off. I blew it off, thinking that he was sleeping or wimpering or whatever. After about 15 minutes of him drifting in and out of sleep and fussing some more, I decided to take his temperature and perhaps give him some Tylenol. He is still working on those teeth and teething pain has been known to keep him awake at night. I sent Kelly downstairs to get the Tylenol and then turned on the light to to the temp and diaper change. I noticed that he looked strange - faintly blue. Again, I kind of blew this off in my head. It was very low lighting, he was lying on a green blanket and wearing a baby blue sleeper. I just sort of assumed that the reflection of the colors around him coupled with him not feeling great was probably the cause. His temp was nothing - 99.5. Kelly came upstairs and the first thing she said was "does he look blueish to you?" Well, now that we had both had independant observations of this strange coloring, we got a little wierd. I decided to try to make him cry, with the thought that the screaming would get the blood flowing and the big gasps of air would fill his lungs with oxegyn. I pinched his upper thighs and rubbed his body vigorously. He responded a little bit, at one point screwing up his face like it was going to be a blood curdling scream. But, oddly, his face didn't get red. Around his eyes got red, but the rest of him stayed thier weird bluish tint. We started to wonder if we should call 911. Or should we go to the ER. Or should we do nothing and are we being paranoid? I called my Mom. Because, when in doubt, isn't that waht you do?? After describing the symptoms to her (and hearing myself say it all out loud) we decided to call the pediatrician's emergency number. I spoke with a nurse for about 30 minutes. She listened to his breathing. By this time, Connor was happily breast feeding and the breathing from his nose seemed fine. He was responding to stimulus normally. Kelly and I had moved away from panic and into just wondering what the hell happened. In the end, he was fine. He ended up sleeping on my chest for most of the night, because we were just weird about leaving him unattended. He woke up the next morning and seemed perfectly normal.

Of course, a couple of hours after being at daycare, Kelly got a call. Connor has pink eye in both eyes and the start of ear infections in both ears. Apparently, he's had this cold that was happening internally for the most part. He hasn't had a hugely runny nose or anything. But it's caused this pink eye and would have been the cause of two ear infections if we hadn't taken him in. Was this the cause of the weird blue incident? We don't know. But after a round of eye medicine and a dose of antibiotics for all the above, he seems to be feeling much better this morning.

Turns out that Connor's an illness-creeper. He doesn't just display the signs of not feeling well until he REALLY does not feel well. Bailey is the exact opposite. The littlest bit of discomfort is cause for meltdown city and a flat refusal to sleep. Connor can be sick and we don't even know it, and therefore we don't treat it, until it's gotten to the point of no return. He's subtle. It creeps up on us and then WHAM! We have a very sick boy.

Other than this illness, Connor is doing well. He's fully sitting up on his own and is using his ability to roll to get to places. He is working on the mechanics of crawling, but isn't there yet. His teeth have not popped through. It seems that, as with Bailey, his gums are very strong and it takes a lot of work (and time) for them to come through the gums. This is GREAT for his dental health in later years. And horrible for teething, because it's a long and painful process for all of us.

Bailey

There isn't much to report about Bailey. She is status quo right now. Well, I guess I could report that her not listening has taken an uptick in the last couple of days. She is pushing every single boundry that exists and is pushing back when we push her to behave. She is fully two, in every sense of that word. It's exhausting and facinating to watch all at the same time. I love her independance as much as I despise having to be the person who keeps her in line. I like watching her grow and I enjoy the good parts richly. It's the rough stuff that get me down. LOL - that must make me human. All told, she is perfection and horridness all wrapped up into one little-girl package. I am thankful that she is able to be herself and ho through her normal development stages without fear or hesitation. I take that to mean that we are doing something right.

Mikki, Kelly, Momma, Mommy, Us

I put us all together on purpose. We are fine - all sides of us are focused on this crazy thing called parenting and we are eeking out whatever little time for us that we can find. We are perpetually exhausted, but that makes us no different than any other parents of little kids. Vacation in about a week. We need it. We can't wait.

It's All About Poop

It seems that much of what I post about these days is poop. Or extriment in some form or another. But what can I say? We're knee deep in shit and it just keeps piling.

We attempted panties for a full day on Saturday. Or rather, I attempted. Kelly looked at me like I was a fool when I put them on her. And she looked at me in pity when Bailey pooped in her panties. Then again when she pooped in them a second time 15 minutes later. And then again when she peed a river of urine that splashed off the chair, filled her shoes and covered the carpet. I know it takes time, but I was seriously grossed out. We went back to pull ups on Sunday and Bailey didn't use the potty once. *sigh* We'll try again soon. Maybe next weekend?

Connor is officially sleeping through the night. I can say this because he has gone to bed around 7:30 PM and not woken up until around 5 AM for 9 nights in a row. I think this makes it official. The next step is to move him out of our room. Up until a few weeks ago, we had assumed we would move him into Bailey's room and they would share a room. But given that he goes to bed before she does and that she is NOT quiet (and should not be expected to be), he is getting his own room. Which means that the holding pen for all things baby that are not longer needed that we call the guest room needs to be cleaned out. Which means I need to find new owners for all the things we no longer need and don't have room to store. Seems like I'll be pimping Craig's list for a while. Anyone having babies that needs STUFF? We have stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. And more coming.

Since this is the last baby, we are offloading all the stuff we stored when Bailey grew out of it.

We're okay. Kelly is struggling right now. It seems that one of us struggles at any given moment. We both need a break and our week-long, beach vacation in 2 weeks can't come soon enough. The time is needed. The break is needed. The change of scenery is needed. Seriously. I don't want to talk to much on this subject because 1) there are no solutions and 2) it just makes me feel sad, exhausted and strung out.

That's all for now.

Long Time Coming

I am such a bad, bad blogger these days. My only excuse is...well...there are many of them. Suffice to say that life is a tad busier these days than it has been in recent years. I apologize to the faithful readers out there who have gotten used to my long-winded journeys through my mind and details about our life. It's just been so busy. In any event, hopefully this blog won't disappoint!

We'll start with the youngest...

Connor

Our Connor has taken a turn for all grown up overnight. He went from this little cooing, perfect little baby to a full-on REAL baby overnight it seems! To start, he's sitting up fully. On his own. He sits and plays with his toys all by himself. Every now and then he leans too much to one side to get something and can't right himself. Then he tumbles over face first. Or sometimes he gets so excited he can't help himself and throws his little body backwards. We have pillows propped behind him for just these times. It breaks the fall.

Speaking of all grown up - our baby boy celebrated his 6 month birthday yesterday. I can barely believe it has been 6 months, and yet, as with Bailey, I can't remember a world without Connor. He is so deeply ingrained in the fabric of our lives that it's like he was always there. He had is 6 month check up on Friday. Kelly was heartily congratulated for making it through the first 6 months of breast feeding. She got an "A" from the doctor. He congratulated her in a way that made it seems like he would inevitably stop breastfeeding very soon...which isn't going to happen. Both Connor and Kelly are still very committed, and so it continues. He did advise us strongly that Connor needed a multi-vitamin because he's not getting formula. We just blew it off. Sometimes doctors are stupid. He's eating food regularly, but not a lot - he has a container of fruit in the morning and veggies at night. He loves his food. His 6 month stats - he's 18 pounds, 12 ounces and 27 inches long. He's in the 75th percentile for both. He's a chunky, healthy baby boy!

The final proof that our Connor is growing up? He's slept through the night for the past three nights. He is waking up once, but not until around 3 or 3:30 AM and then back to sleep for a few more hours. Good boy!!!! I like children who sleep...LOL!

Bailey

Bailey B also seems to have taken another leap forward. The kids don't seem to progress in small chunks; rather they burst forward into a new development seemingly overnight. She is talking, talking, talking...and getting all her pronouns right. She gets her tenses right 95% of the time. She fully communicates with her words and it's amazing. She's always been a great talker, but these days, it seems like she is talking so far beyond her age. She uses new words every day - big ones or complex ones...and she uses them correctly. You only have to read or say a word one time and she incorporates it into her vocabulary and uses it correctly moving forward. The only thing that she still does wrong is when I ask her "do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you". Her reponse is "carry you". No matter how many times I correct it, she still says it that way.

Today is big day for her - she starts in pre-preschool in her new room at school! This is a program approved by the Maryland Dept. of Education and had a pretty rigorous schedule and activities. Of course, it's pre-preschool. So it's not like real school. But it's a big deal for her and she is in a new room with new teachers. She was very, very excited to arrive this morning.

Another change in Bailey is her eating habits. She's finally eating sandwhiches and things that are multi-layered. I know that sounds strange, but she would never eat foods that were complicated. She liked bland pastas, or one-flavored items. This weekend she plowed through a grilled cheese and the other day, she ate a PB&J. Her first two-year molar is fully through with the other three coming quickly behind.

Potty training has stalled at home. If we take off her clothes, she will go on the potty when she needs to...but she is expressing a preference for wearing a diaper right now. On Thursday, she only went through one pullup at school, though. She went on the potty every time!!!! She's close. We're still not pushing it. It'll happen when it's time.

The Kids

I have to put this category in now, because this weekend the kids developed a relationship. Up until now, they have been aware of each other and Bailey has commented on Connor. She certainly loves him and knows he is there, but he was never really her focus. Same with Connor. But this weekend, that changed. They actively played together. Bailey cooked and fed him from her very own kitchen. Connor played along - reaching out for her and hanging in while she tormented him. It was super-cute and certainly a glimpse into the future.

Mikki/Momma

I am coming off a four-day sickness that kicked my ass. Seriously. The flu-like symptoms started on Wednesday night. Thursday and Friday were horrid. I started feeling better Friday night and was excited, thinking that I was going to have the weekend. But then, Saturday morning, my head cold kicked in. My nose was plugged solid for two days, finally starting to break up last night. I'm still not feeling great - maybe 60% today. Being a sick mother sucks. SUCKS. Other than that, things are okay. Normal. I'm busy with the above with relatively little time for other things and that's okay for now.

Kelly/Mommy

Kelly is hanging in there too. She is struggling a bit with Connor's weird breast-feeding schedule and trying to keep it all in order. She has also had to carry a lot of the weight the last few days because of my illness. She is gearing up for busy season at work. Other than that, not much is going on in her life that is any thing other than the above!

Us

We're okay. We dropped the kids off to a babysitter on Saturday afternoon. We went out to a Japanese steak house and had a great time. We spent some time wondering around Baby's R Us after. It was a very, very nice break. It's amazing to me how quickly we drift right back into "us" when the kids are not around. We're different people with our children and around our children. When we are alone, there is a power shift, a balance shift that happens. I think, for both of us, it's the most comfortable place for US. It's not how we parent, though, so it's important for us to get back there every now and then. We're keeping up our committement to regular dates and things are okay.

That's all for now!

Really...Not Much

Not much is happening. I'm not feeling well. The kids are fine. All is quite normal.

I promise I'll post more later.

Potty Training

Has moved into "Potty Reality". Bailey is very, very close to all the way there. In fact, if we took the intiative and took her diaper off and put on the panties that she chose this weekend, she would be there. In school, she wears pull ups, but they do the bathroom time every 45 minutes. She always pees on the potty and 99.5% of the time, her pull up is not wet. At home, she takes off her pants and pull up most nights and runs naked. When it's time to pee, she sits on the potty and makes it happen. Sometimes we reward, other times not. Last night, right after dinner, she ran to the potty and pooped. Like a big, adult-sized poop.

Funny the amount of congratulations you give for poop well done. LOL

In any event, we still cling a bit to diapers for ease, but we are there. The real question is when we will suck it up and make the final transition.

Random Friday Thoughts

Before I had children, I thought motherhood would come naturally to me. I envisioned these beautiful transitions into selflessness where the only thing that matter was my children. I imagined my marriage taking a natural back burner and that feeling okay, because it would be punctuated by wild sex and sweet, tender moments. I imagined giggles and hugs and moments of sheer beauty, without any of the other moments. Mostly, I imagined that I would continue to live up to my own impossibly high standards and I imagined that I would have the good grace to forgive myself when I didn't.

Silly me.

Motherhood has not come naturally for me. Mothering has come naturally. Being a mother to my children in their moments of greatest need is easy. Being the boo boo kisser and the crying comforter. Keeping track of their progress and their benchmarks and adjusting around it has come naturally. Being prepared with size 3 diapers when the size two ones don't fit - things like that. That is all natural, and easy. Allowing my children to fold into my heart is easy. Knowing that I would still choose this path is easy.

What isn't easy is the selflessness part. Or the part where I give up my relationship most of the time to be a parent. Sometimes I get so frustrated and I have nobody to vent it out on. Just talking about it isn't always enough - I want to throw a fit and be frustrated loudly. And I have to keep my shit in check, because it's not my kids' fault and it's not my wife's fault. It not anyone's fault...it just is.

We juggle a million things at all times. We really never get a break. I'm not sure that any parent every truly lets go of being a parent, but it sure would be nice to be able to just shut it down for a few. I find msyelf missing the freedom of non-parenting and single life. Even in the same breath, I know that I would never go back. I'm tired. I'm stressed out. I need some time to reconnect with my wife - god, I need her again. It's been over two years since we've really connected on the level that we used to. Sometimes I feel like we're lost completely. Other times, I catch a glimpse of us in passing as we each rush off in different directions. Those rare moments, when that look passes between us and the fire burns bright for a few seconds reminds me that we still have the love that created the life we live.

In my logical brain, I know this is temporary. I know, sooner than we would like to imagine, the kids will be out of these early years and will be more autonomous. I know they won't always keep us up every night. I know that there will come a day when they will play with each other and we'll wonder if we even exist in their worlds. I know this. I do. But it doesn't help right now, because right now is when I need some of the pressure lifted. I feel like a steam cooker, and the steam is just building and building.

We're going to the Outer Banks in September. My brother, his two kids, my mother and my best friend will be joining us. I can't wait. My mother is a goddess and she gets where I'm at. She knows how much we need some down time and our children love and trust her. She has cared for them exclusively (when we were in the hospital and for a week or so after we got home). We can leave them in her hands and walk away. Maybe for only a few hours, but a few hours is enough to reconnect. To find ourselves on the beach, alone, with a setting sun.

Parenting for me is hard work. I envy those who can just enter it without the drama. I wish I were one of those people.

What Can I Say?

I wish I had something positive to say. I don't. Connor has been sick for what feels like forever. We are both having to take way too much time off work to deal with our fucking crazy ass life and it's showing in the way our coworkers are responding to us. Even the most understanding of workplace environments have limits. Connor's not sleeping. Bailey is still in terrible two (although, it's been getting better, actually). And now, I'm sick (or getting there) with whatever nasty cold Connor has had. And, of course, I can't take any time off to get well because I have no time and I've depleted my repository of goodwill.

Life sucks right now. Seriously.

Such a BAD Blogger

These days it seems that I'm busier living my life than recording it. Which, in some ways, is good.

Everything in our house is status quo. Updates below...

Bailey

Bailey is a straight up typical two year old right now. A typical two year old with the vocabulary of a 3 year old and the attitude of...well...me! She's a hot shit and she's hard to take, usually in the same moment. She's developing in leaps and bounds right now. One day she will learn something and the next day it is mastered. It's the little things that get me - like the fact that she is swinging on the big kid swings at the playground instead of the little things. And how every night she picks out her own clothes for the next day and tells us what she wants for breakfast. Potty training is right on track - she uses the potty regularly at home and pretty much exclusively at school. She is still in pullups all the time - we haven't gotten that far, but more often than not, they are dry. She still requests diapers on the weekend, and we still let her have that, but she uses the potty most of the time. She has moved from having to be told to telling us when she needs to go pee. She knows that she will get chocolate (sugar-free most of the time) when she goes and she likes that motivation. The day when diapers for two are the thing are getting closer and closer to being gone. In the next month or so, we will introduce panties and I think that will jump it up. We are not pushing this one - she is doing this all on her own. I've found, that with Bailey, this is the way to go with the potty...and she's doing it. Our "goal" of having her potty trained when she is 2 1/2 seems to be right on track...but again, I don't really care. She is still throwing fits a lot. She is so fucking intense. Sometimes I just want to bang my head against the wall and throw a fit myself. Sometimes I do. She and I fight like...well...two year olds. Kelly reminds me in these moments that I am, in fact, not two. Even though I wish I could be. It seems to be a hallmark of the relationship that Bailey and I have that we will fight like hell and love just as hard. Hot and cold. It's appropriate. Kelly is either the queen shit to Bailey right now or she is just shit. Bailey seems to go back and forth and often, her desire to have Kelly be her primary in any given moment is based on whether or not she is pissed off at me. This is hard for both Kelly and I, but we both realize that it's developmental. It's still hard. I get frustrated on Kelly's behalf and have to remember that Bailey doesn't understand complex emotions yet. She is so advanced and I want to advance her even further. Kelly takes it better than I do, of course. She's better at these things. All in all, Bailey is who she is right now and that is both a fantastic thing and a trying, challenging thing. She seems to be right on track where she needs to be, and that means we're doing something right.

Connor

Connor continues his reign of super-happy, super-easy baby boy. He's still a doll and he's still as laid back as he ever has been. Often, I think Kelly and I both feel that he gets shunted to the side as we negotiate his high-spirited sister. We both make an effort in this area, and I feel like we've done a good job. In some ways, he will just get some of that. After all, he's not the first and our attention is divided. That's just a reality. He's a big boy - wearing 9-12 month clothes and he's only 5 months old. He's beginning the transition into solid foods. Right now, he eats a jar of fruit in the morning and veggies mixed with rice in the evening. Some days he eats better than others. Sometimes nothing will make him happy except Kelly's breast - other times he turns away from her breast for food. We've so far given him bananas, apples, carrots and sweet potatoes. No allergies yet and no upset tummy. He's also on rice cereal. This weekend we will transition him into oatmeal and start mixing the oatmeal with the fruit in the morning. Every 3-4 days we add something new. This is my area - Kelly has left the decision and the timings up to me. I love figuring out what comes next. I think I might try peas or green beans next. A green veggie. The next fruit will be prunes. He's still in stage 1 food and will be for another 2-3 weeks, I suspect. The benchmark is sitting unsupported by himself. Speaking of those benchmarks - he's right on track. He sits for a few seconds unsupported, but no longer falls completely over. He sort of leans and needs to be righted. He's getting there. He is trying very, very hard to crawl - he's got all the right motions. In another month or so, he'll have it figured out. Connor doesn't get as much tummy time as Bailey did. For starters, it's hard to leave your infant on the floor with a two year old running around and three cats. And then, couple that with the fact that we just simply don't have the time to sit on the floor for a long period of time and supervise the situation. There is always shit to do. But he gets some time each night. I wear him when we get home - he makes dinner with me. It's the one thing that we do each night and I think he enjoys the time. I did the same thing with Bailey. It's my time to whisper in his ear and tell him all about what we are doing. He likes washing dishes with me and gets very excited when I open the fridge. In general, his personality is just laid back. If we allowed it, he would like nothing more than to be propped up and watching Barney or Elmo with Bailey. He LOVES the TV in a way that is almost obscene. He could spend hours there, happily zoning out to the bright colors and music. We don't allow it - he spends his time with us or in his excersaucer or jumper. Sometimes he'll spin the seat and watch TV...but TV is never his primary form of entertainment. Much like is Mommy, Connor is nosy. He struggles to breastfeed when we are all around - the noises and the action from Bailey are very distracting for him. He wants to see what is going on. He doesn't necessarily want to be a part of it, but he wants to be able to observe. He's very much like Kelly.

Momma & Mommy

I think, all told, we're doing well in this parenting thing. Every day we figure it out a little more and the gunk that is a new baby junking up the routine is beginning to fade into an ordered method of parenting. We're so much better at multi-tasking now that we have two. We've also gotten much better at the conquer and divide thing. We alway did things together when it was just Bailey. With two, that just doesn't make sense. We divide it up and get it done more quickly, leaving more time for us. We are also getting better at just relaxing and letting things happen as they will. While we always work within a schedule, we are better at being free-flowing. Things seems to have gotten more normal. We are also making more of an effort to be a couple and not just a parenting team. We are spending more time together, snuggling more in the evening, and making plans for dates. It's slow - any new thing added to our life takes a bit of time to work it's way in. But we are doing it and we are better for it. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that "we" have gotten so much better. And it is reflected in everything.

Mikki & Kelly

There isn't much going on in the side of our lives that are not connected to parenting. I got some pretty exciting news yesterday that hasn't panned out yet. I am super excited, but can't share or talk about it until it's firm. So, that'll keep you coming back. We are both ready for our vacation in early September. We need the time off, the easy time with the kids and the connection to my family. It'll be good.

That's all for now!

Fast and Slow

It's funny how sometimes I feel like there is so much happening, and yet time is moving quite slowly. This is one of those times.

There isn't much new to report. Connor had his first meal of carrots and rice on Monday night. He had a meal of carrots last night. We will start him on bananas this weekend and begin to establish a morning/night feeding ritual. I'm sure it will quickly snowball into full on feeding all the time. He loved it both times, eating all that we offered. We're taking it slow in order to minimize any transition issues that he may have moving from breast milk to food. We tried just cereal, mixed with breast milk and he didn't like that. Kelly's sister suggested using formula to mix the cereal. We may try that. Simply put, Connor loves eating. He thinks it funny, giggling and enjoying himself immensely every time we put food near him. It's such a joy to finally be able to take an active part in the ritual of feeding my son. It's something I have missed hugely and I am happy that he is now ready to eat in a way that facilitates my participation.

With that said, he's still getting up once a night to eat - the last couple of days it has been in the wee morning hours (2 on Monday night, 3 last night). The food just isn't sticking long enough and he obviously wakes up hungry. We decided last night that for now, we will have a four-hour rule. What that means is that if he wakes up fussing within 4 hours of his last feeding, we will let him cry for 7 minutes before we respond. If he wakes up fussing and it's been longer than 4 hours, we will respond immediately. This is our first attempts at letting the little man of the house figure out how to put himself back to sleep. Of course, as time goes on (and time in baby terms is really usually only weeks and sometimes days) we'll reevaluate and change it up as needed.

Can you tell that Kelly and I are driven by schedules, goals and structure? In order to have a manageable night time response, we have to figure out a way to handle it that has measurable goals and certain outcomes. We can lay there and listen to him cry if we have set a goal and have a limit (in this case, four hours and 7 minutes of crying). But if we don't have limites like that, we end up laying there listening to him cry and getting more and more irriated. Then we fight. We have learned a lot since Bailey was this age.

For the record - we used the cry it out method with Bailey to great success and will use it again with Connor. We have been really good about not setting Connor's limits around what they were with Bailey. The two children are completely different and respond differently. Where Bailey was driven to always reach the next milestone, Connor seems much happier just drifting along. He seems to reach each new place as if by accident and is then delighted when he discovers he can do something new. He takes such joy in the world. So, for him, this schedule will be our guide for now and we'll change it up when he's ready.

Bailey seems to be pushing every limit there is. She has begun the process of doing something that she knows she cannot do and then looking at us to see if she got caught. Last night, she hit Pitter with a pillow. This has been a reccuring theme. Partly, it is because Pitter is the only one of our three cats who comes around her. The other two flee. But Pitter puts herself, literally, under your feet and demands attention. This annoys us all. But it seems to really grate on Bailey. So she has started to get a bit aggressive with her, and we have responded by becoming increasingly insistent that she not be aggressive. So on Monday night, she clocked Pitter with a puzzle piece. The resulting time out caused a massive meltdown that led to her eventually being taken upstairs, given her bath and put to bed without any further playing. So then last night, she pulls a pillow off the couch and clocks Pitter with it, and then looks up at me smiling. Of course, I responded by immediately putting her in timeout. She started the process of falling out and I went back on my general approach and reminded her that if she melted down, she would go to bed without any further playing. This seemed to help remind her of the consequences and after 4 false starts, she finally served her timeout appropriately.

This all just serves to remind Kelly and I that we have a hell of a little girl. She is intense and determined. I can think of many times in her life when these qualities will be huge assets and I am so glad they are present. It also means that we have to be just as strong. Unfortunately, the boundries that we must set up for her have to be rigid. She doesn't understand fluidity and flexibility only gives her enough rope to hang herself. She operates best in a structured environment that forces her to focus and stay focused. Of course, she gets tons of free time and free play - that's not what I'm talking about. It's about the rules and requirements for her behavior. If there is ever a crack in the rules, she exploits it immediately. And then she gets very upset about being punished. In fairness to her, we must keep the rules 100% consistent and the punishment swift and fair and expected. She knows she will get a timeout if she hits. Period. And even when it's inconvenient (like when I have dinner cooking), we have to make it work.

That's all for now. Not much else going on....

Sickness

Well, all of Connor's issues can be explained by the fact that he was developing a double ear infection and two teeth were popping through. He did not sleep at all on Tuesday night. He was up every 20-40 minutes and what rest he did get was in our arms. We were exhausted and I took Wednesday off to be with him. I got him into the doctors and it was a double ear infection. Added on top of that are the two teeth that are trying really hard to break through and he has a cold. No wonder the poor guy couldn't sleep!!!

He's been in quite a bit of pain and we are not shy about using Tylenol. It helps. He makes it very clear when he's hurting and about 40 minutes after giving him Tylenol, he feels better. We rub his gums as well, but he's not a huge fan. Being a breast fed baby, he wants to suckle everything.

We decided to go with a round of anitbiotics for his ears, because honestly, we didn't have the few days to wait it out and see if it would clear up on his own. We can't go without sleep.

Two days later, he's like a new boy. Our smiler is back. He's still not sleeping great, but that is becasue the Tylenol wears off. He doesn't seem to deal very well with pain...but then, what baby does?

Bailey finally went pee on the potty at home!!!!! We've been working on it for a couple of months now, and she finally did it! She's asked a number of times to sit and we, of course, allow it. She hasn't made any progress up until last night. Now the real potty training begins. We'll have to start being diligent about it. I'm thinking of pulling out the stop watch and taking her to the potty every 45 minutes or so. M&M's for every time she goes. I'm hoping to have her potty trained by the end of the summer...

That's all for now. I'm hoping that Kelly and I will make it out to see Harry Potter this weekend. We were going to wait until next weekend, and we still may, but I'm super anxious to see the movie. So I'm hoping to convince her to do it this weekend...we got another babysitter from Bailey's school. It makes me feel SOOOO comfortable knowing she's with her teachers when we leave her.

That's all for now!

She and He

She is going through a terrible, terrible phase. Everything is said in a whine. Everything that is not said in a whine is said in a demand, usually accompanied by the thrusting of her hand (as if she is hitting us). She is hard to keep happy. She isn't eating very well and would rather have popcycles and pieces of cheese than just about anything. She refuses to move foward with potty training. She is obsessed with "creams" of all kinds for any kind of wound, bug bite or diaper rash. She is all about me and is downright mean to Kelly. She loves and hates Connor in equal proportions. She is ridiculously obsessed with Barney in a way that makes me want to cry.

He is either in a growth spurt or is changing his eating habits, because one day he is fine and the next day he eats like a demon. We don't know if we should start cereal or not and the one time we tried, he vomited it all up. Speaking of vomit - he does it often, and generally on me. It's gross and even more disgusting that I walk around all night with vomit on my clothes. He rolls over, but then forgets that he can roll back, so he fusses until someone comes to pick him up. Speaking of picking him up - he generally won't be left alone right now. 100% interaction is what he wants. He's sleeping like shit - either because of the growth spurt or because of the rolling issue, we're not sure. He's up a lot at night and then gets up super early in the morning. This morning it was 3 AM. He seems to sleep alright in his swing. Downstairs. Leaving one of us (generally me) sleeping on the couch. When he is in a good mood, he's all about grabbing, drooling and thrusting about, making it hard and drippy to hold him. And he's big, so wearing him in the front carrier, while always a good option, hurts like a bitch.

We are tired, grumpy, sick of children and both of us are slammed at work. It's summer and everyone else is moving slower or on vacation. We're working harder and exhausted. We want a break and can't have one. We'd love to just ditch the kids with someone for a day, but working parent guilt prevents us from doing that and feeling okay about it. We are finally rediscovering each other after a long, long pregnancy and Connor's first months, but we're too tired to really do it. Kelly is struggling with worry over her milk supply and we want to keep Connor breast fed only until he's 6 months. We don't know if it'll happen.

And there is always fucking dishes, cat litter to be scooped, laundry to be done, toys to be picked up, breakfast and dinner to be made, diapers to be changed, endless spills to be wiped up and never, ever enough fucking time.

Crib Time!

Connor was moved out of his pack n' play last night and into his big-boy crib that he will be in until he's in a toddler bed!!!! The crib is still in our room for another few months. He did AWESOME - slept great and even rolled over onto his tummy at some point.

Our baby boy blue is growing up so fast!!!!!

Some Funny Tidbits

Because I can't seem to put two coherent thoughts together these days, I provide you with just a few simple tidbits of information to keep you coming back!

1) Bailey is brilliant. This was confirmed on the 4th of July when she took her M&M cookies and dipped them in the pool. One of the party goers finally figured out what she was doing. She was dissolving the cookie to get to the M&Ms - the wet cookie broke away from the candy clean and she was left with a nugget of chocolate. Brilliant!

2) We call Connor "babababa boy"...because he's blowing bubbles and saying "babababa" a lot.

3) Bailey calls her fingers by the names designated in the song about fingers. Thumbkin is my favorite. Particularly when she comes over to me and tells me that she has "hurt my thumbkin".

4) Connor has mastered rolling over and cannot be more proud of himself. The second he is on the floor, he rolls over...and over...and over. Only a matter of time before he's crawling. God help us.

5) Bailey loves to dance. She gets it all moving and makes me want to dance too. So I do. It's so much fun to "shake my sillys out" with Bailey. It's even more fun when Mommy joins in.

6) Connor and Bailey are the light of our lives right now. There are no other words that can describe it.

The Time They Are A Changin'

The FSAO Picnic in 2007, 2008 and 2009...

Some Quick Updates

I was out of work yesterday and while I checked email all day, I still have lots of catching up to do...so this will be brief.

Connor's 4 month check up was yesteday. He is super healthy - 16.6 pounds, 26 inches long and and a head circumfrence of 45. He's in the 75th percentile for weight (same as last time), 75th percentile for height (up from 50th last time) and 90th percentile for head. He's gonna be smart!

He got two shots and an oral vaccination yesterday. A part of me hates vaccinations, but then I remember that we live in a place where if a major disease hit, our kids would be likely to be exposed. Then I don't mind the vaccinations to much.

We had Kelly's company picnic yesterday. It was fun in a work kind of way. The weekend was lovely. This weekend will be better. We're hosting a party for the 4th of July. Lots of good BBQ, beer, friends and fireworks. Good times!

Bailey's favorite saying right now is "Oh, My Man!". Where did she come up with this, I don't know. LOL - it's not a phrase heard often in our house...

All is well. More later.

Catch Up Time

I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging. It seems that the harder things get, the more I withdraw. Things these days are not so hard emotionally, but more the grind is exhausting. And so I don't write. Sorry about that.

I have been super-busy at work. We had a major meeting taking place this week (and through the weekend) that I was solely responsible for coordinating. There were a million moving parts and it threw me back into my JSA days of event organizing. I don't do much of that anymore - I'm more of a report/data/website girl. This is good experience for me and it gave me a ton of face time in front of some very important people in the firm. Good for career development. Good for professional development. Not so good for my personal sanity. I'm not a huge fan of event management. I mean, I do it...and I do it very well. The key to event management is organization, calm and resourcefullness. I have all of those things when I choose to. But it's not what I enjoy. I just hate the constant changing up, adapting, recreating and the hurry up and wait. It's been stressful for me.

And then, to top it all off, I had to attend a dinner on Wednesday night at 7:30 PM. In the city. Now. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy a good dinner in a nice restaraunt as much as the next person. Especially when I don't have to pay for it. But on a Wednesday night? While my wife is home alone with the babies, trying to hold it all together? Not so much. It sucked. I hated being away from my kids. I hated feeling like I off-loaded my responsibility onto Kelly. I hated feeling like I was required to attend this networking celebration event, when honestly, I just wanted to be at home. This is not my thing. I did it. And again, I did all the right things. But it sucked. It was hard on all four of us. And once again proved to me that our routine is actually a good thing. It's something we all rely on to keep the insanity of our life in check.

The other major event that happened this week was that I witness Bailey being man handled by her daycare provider. I showed up early on Monday and watched her teacher grab her by the arm and pull her very hard. It left a thumb print on her upper arm and she stumbled to the floor. This was unprovoked - in that Bailey was just standing there when she did it. I went into the bathroom when I saw this (the teacher didn't know I was there, as her back was to me) and I said "Don't ever touch my child that way again." I did not say anything after that, as I was in the bathroom with other children. I enforced the timeout that the teacher had given Bailey prior to the yanking incident and then I marched into the director's office. I cried, which sucked...but I couldn't help it. I reported the incident and it was handled properly. After gauging Bailey's reaction, the director's reaction and subsequent follow up and recieving a very heart felt apology (and ownership) from the teacher, we have moved on. I do think this was a one-off event and not a continueing problem. Bailey likes the teacher - she says so. She is not scared of her. She doesn't have a negative response to her. And she has before, to other teachers. If she was having a major issue with the teacher, we would be able to tell. I have put this in the category of things that I wish I hadn't seen, but am glad I was able to deal with appropriately. It seems that when it comes to our children, I am able to keep my cool and do what's right. That makes me glad.

With all that said, if anything like this ever happens again, I will hunt the bitch down and destroy her. Happily.

Other than this, Bailey is doing extremely well. She is in love with her new school, finally. The transition is complete and has been for a couple of weeks. She is back to good and that makes us so happy!!! We both feel like the shaky ground that she was standing on has solidified. She's fully adjusted to Connor and she's no longer having weirdness. Thank god. It's a sign of some normalcy.

Connor is amazing. He's growing so quickly. We have to get some video of his huge belly laughs. He's showing some signs of being a drama queen, similar to his sister. He gets very angry when he is left alone...unless of course, he's watching TV. The kid LOVES the television. Of course, we do everything in our power to prevent him from watching it when Bailey does. He makes dinner with me rather than watching Barney with Bailey. But if he catches sight of it, hs'e hooked. If he's hungry, his world falls apart. And if he's tired, watch out! He decides at some point between 7 and 7;30 at night that he is ready for his bedtime routine (naked time, bath time, breastfeeding time, then bed). It all takes about 45 minutes, with the majority of that time being breastfeeding time. And if it doesn't happen as soon as he decides he's ready, there are big huge problems. This is really the only time that Connor cries like he is being tortured. It unravels Kelly and is very loud...so we often comply immediately.

He's waking up once a night. Depending on how he ate during the day, that one time can be around midnight or around 4 AM. It just depends. Sometimes he'll sleep straight through. Other times he wakes up. He's 4 months, so we don't worry yet. We suspect that when he starts eating solids, he'll start sleeping longer.

He too is being inocculated into the McFadden need for schedule. It seems that we are going to infect our children with our same need for order and routine. Of course, it could be no other way, but it's funny to watch it happen this time around.

Me and Kelly are both hanging in there. We're tired, strung out, overwhelmed and bored. But we're doing okay. We both have all our hopes hung on the concept that this will change as they get a bit older. That we're in the weeds right now, but eventually it will be different. It took a year for things to get back to a "normal" place with Bailey. We've still got a long way to go.

No Time No Energy

The mantra of my life. I'm swamped and too tired to write about everything that is going on. I promise updates soon.

Everyone is well.

CONGATS!!!!

A huge, huge, huge shout of congratulations to our dearest friends Monica and Susanne over at Susanica. They are expecting their second child right around the Christmas holiday!

Congratulations from the bottom of our hearts, ladies!!!! We love you so much!

This One Might Be Tough

For some of you. Not for me.

So, I mentioned in previous blogs when I was pregnant with Bailey that I have always harbored a fear that I would molest my children. This perfectly normal fear is based on having been molested many times in my childhood. The fact that I can name it, own the fear and move on is a testament to the years of therapy that I went through.

Of course, my fears have proven to be unfounded. There is this moment that has happened with both of my children where I realized in a split second that I would kill myself before I would ever hurt them. I would leave them if I couldn't be safe around them. I would remove myself from them. And I trust that. I have put aside my fears because my gut, my instincts, my heart tells me that I would never perpetrate them the way that I was. I just wouldn't.

So why bring this up now?

Because last night I had a new series of thoughts about it. Most nights, I am the person who baths our children. I'm good at it, I enjoy the intimacy and they seem to like it as well. We used to always bath Bailey together, but the addition of Connor just naturally changed the routine. I found myself staring at Connor while I was bathing him, drinking in his beautiful little body. I was watching his arms shake, the way his knees bend, the crinkles in his neck. I love touching their bodies when they are all soapy and wet and warm and silky smooth. I love running my hands along them and feeling their crevices. I love the way they giggle when I find the perfect ticklish spot and the way that their eyes sparkle as they feel my love flow through my hands. I love the sheer intimacy that caring for them in such a profound way brings.

And because of my history, I have to examine it. I find myself having to step back from those moments and sort out in my head the seperaration between sexual intimacy and loving intimacy. And I have realized, in a way that a therapist telling me never could make me realize, the very profound difference between the two.

See, it's not something I ever learned from my partner. Not that Kelly and I don't have moments of intimacy that are not sexual...we do...but in all honesty, they are rare for me. In many ways, I have always equated the intimacy of touch with sex. It's one of the effects of having touch be sexualized in such a negative way. It's something that I have always carried with me.

But with my children, there is a clear line and that line has taught me so much. I have never felt even a wisp of my worst fear with them. I can touch them in the most intimate ways and it has never felt sexual. I am so thankful for that. In a way that a person who has not been sexually violated may not understand. You have no idea the depth fo the fear that I carried and that I still carry to this day. That I can put my mouth on my sons lips and kiss him over and over again while he giggles and slobbers and licks my lips and NOT feel like I am violating him is such an amazing thing.

I am so thankful for all those years of therapy. My mother did such an amazing job in pulling me through that and not letting that crap fester. I can talk about this stuff. I can shine the bright white light on the fear and name it. I can own my shit, walk through it and come out the other side. Without the support and the tools that therapy has given me, I wouldnt' be able to that. And maybe, I wouldnt' be able to seperate the two. And maybe I would have missed so much of this intimacy with my children that makes the love I have for them so deep.

Thank god I am not missing this. Because those moments with my children are so precious to me. More precious than just about any other moment.