I may have given the wrong impression yesterday - Kelly and I are not struggling. At all. I was only voicing my thought that it's hard sometimes to have to work through relationship bumps when you're so busy doing other stuff. The point, and I made it badly, was that I can understand why and how so many relationship fail after a child is brought in.
In any event, we are not struggling at all. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Having my wife pregnant has reminded me a million times over why I love her so much. Kelly is not often "weak" in a visible sort of way. I know her better than anyone, so I know that she is actually a huge, huge softie under her exterior. But for the most part, what she presents to the world is that of a pretty tough chick, with a rational logical mind driving her decisions. She doesn't often waver in her decisions and rarely second-guesses herself. Or at least, that is what the world sees.
But this pregnancy has reduced Kelly to a much more obvious vaulnerable state. She cannot hide that she feels like shit or that the most basic tasks make her exhausted and naseated. She can't pretend to feel normal. She can't ignore the hormones that race through her. She just can't.
Seeing her in this way makes me love her more than I ever thought possible. I feel very protective of her. If someone were to make her cry, they would not be happy with the outcome. I feel like it is my job, my duty, my responsibility to carry as much of the burden as I can while she works through this.
And while I may sometimes bitch about the strain of that on my shoulders, I wouldn't change it for a second. This is my wife. I love her.
7/30/2008
7/29/2008
Negotiation
Seems like my life is a constant series of negotiating potential catastrophes. From the small (avoiding the cat vomit in a mostly dark house at 4 AM) to the huge (dealing with the major gut issues in my relationship that never seem to resolve themselves).
Some other days, it feels like my life is a series of leaps into pockets of joy, and all the rest of the shit of life is just that. Shit that really doesn't affect the pockets of happiness.
Today, I'm sort of in between. There is some stuff going on with me and Kelly - nothing bad, nothing relationship-altering, but stuff. It used to feel so easy all the time to negotiate our relationship. All we really had to consider is ourselves and ourselves in relationship to each other. If we needed more time together, we bought a bottle of wine, rented a movie and had the time. If we needed space, one of us took off for an afternoon. If we wanted to play, we played. If we wanted to have sex, we had it. The common denominator here is that we were able to negotiate our relationship in an instant-gratification kind of way. See a problem (or potential problem), come up with an idea of how to fix or prevent the problem. take action. It was quite simple in retrospect.
It's all different now. Most of the time potential problems are not even spotted, because we are too busy trying to keep our head above water. The occasional time that we spot a problem before it actually becomes a problem is often met with casual indifference. It's not an immediate concern, you see, and there are always a million other things to do. And when the problems actually creep up, when there becomes something that we need to negotiate, we both go into the conversation already exhausted, already fed-up, and even resentful that there is yet another fucking thing we have to deal with. Even the simple things can produce the most frustrating conversations.
I point no fingers. Kelly and I are equal victims and perpetrators of this. Sometimes the issues are heavier for me, sometimes they are heavier for her. The common truth seems to be that we both loath having to deal with any issues at all. And to expect a relationship to be perfect, when it gets next to no maintenance is just foolish.
Like I said at the beginning, Kelly and I are not having problems and our relationship is no at all in peril. But there are moments when you realize that what you've been pushing off until the next day (in this case, basic relationship maintenance) has now become an urgent issue. Giving it attention fixes the problem, but it doesn't prevent the added exhaustion and the frustration that comes from having one more thing to take care of, to do, to pay attention to, to maintain.
In any event, we'll muddle through. What pulls me along during the most difficult moments is knowing that no matter what else is true, I know that 40 years from now, when all this is over, Kelly and I will still be side by side, holding hands, loving each other and wishing that we could do it one more time. I know that to be true and when the moment becomes to much, I close my eyes and picture that in my head...our two white Adirondack chairs, sitting side by side, overlooking the ocean, with a lifetime of love, of negotiation, of friendship, of shared vision, of history wrapped around two old women.
Some other days, it feels like my life is a series of leaps into pockets of joy, and all the rest of the shit of life is just that. Shit that really doesn't affect the pockets of happiness.
Today, I'm sort of in between. There is some stuff going on with me and Kelly - nothing bad, nothing relationship-altering, but stuff. It used to feel so easy all the time to negotiate our relationship. All we really had to consider is ourselves and ourselves in relationship to each other. If we needed more time together, we bought a bottle of wine, rented a movie and had the time. If we needed space, one of us took off for an afternoon. If we wanted to play, we played. If we wanted to have sex, we had it. The common denominator here is that we were able to negotiate our relationship in an instant-gratification kind of way. See a problem (or potential problem), come up with an idea of how to fix or prevent the problem. take action. It was quite simple in retrospect.
It's all different now. Most of the time potential problems are not even spotted, because we are too busy trying to keep our head above water. The occasional time that we spot a problem before it actually becomes a problem is often met with casual indifference. It's not an immediate concern, you see, and there are always a million other things to do. And when the problems actually creep up, when there becomes something that we need to negotiate, we both go into the conversation already exhausted, already fed-up, and even resentful that there is yet another fucking thing we have to deal with. Even the simple things can produce the most frustrating conversations.
I point no fingers. Kelly and I are equal victims and perpetrators of this. Sometimes the issues are heavier for me, sometimes they are heavier for her. The common truth seems to be that we both loath having to deal with any issues at all. And to expect a relationship to be perfect, when it gets next to no maintenance is just foolish.
Like I said at the beginning, Kelly and I are not having problems and our relationship is no at all in peril. But there are moments when you realize that what you've been pushing off until the next day (in this case, basic relationship maintenance) has now become an urgent issue. Giving it attention fixes the problem, but it doesn't prevent the added exhaustion and the frustration that comes from having one more thing to take care of, to do, to pay attention to, to maintain.
In any event, we'll muddle through. What pulls me along during the most difficult moments is knowing that no matter what else is true, I know that 40 years from now, when all this is over, Kelly and I will still be side by side, holding hands, loving each other and wishing that we could do it one more time. I know that to be true and when the moment becomes to much, I close my eyes and picture that in my head...our two white Adirondack chairs, sitting side by side, overlooking the ocean, with a lifetime of love, of negotiation, of friendship, of shared vision, of history wrapped around two old women.
7/28/2008
Oh...and...
I am buying my ticket to go see the New Kids on the Block reunion tour today.
Yes.
I am one of THOSE girl.
And I must say that I absolutely cannot...and I mean ABSOLUTELY CANNOT...wait!!!!!
Kelly refuses to go. She laughs at me.
Poor girl. She doesn't know what she's missing.
Me, I'm gonna go and scream like a little bitch for my hotties, sing and dance my ass off, and remember the days when I kissed the posters on my walls and couldn't get enough of them!
BRING IT ON!!!!
Yes.
I am one of THOSE girl.
And I must say that I absolutely cannot...and I mean ABSOLUTELY CANNOT...wait!!!!!
Kelly refuses to go. She laughs at me.
Poor girl. She doesn't know what she's missing.
Me, I'm gonna go and scream like a little bitch for my hotties, sing and dance my ass off, and remember the days when I kissed the posters on my walls and couldn't get enough of them!
BRING IT ON!!!!
Lessons in Sharing
All is pretty calm and peaceful in the McFadden home.
Kelly's sickness is leveling out. It's still bad, but it's becoming more managable. I don't know if that is because she's more used to it now or if it's because it's getting better. Whatever it is, we are grateful.
Bailey is fantastic. She has developed a new word..."MINE". This is never spoken softly. It is always yelled, as she's holding whatever it is up and away from whomever she is scolding. She says it with her little eyebrows pursed and her mouth set in a defiant line. Oh yes. We love childcare.
We spent a couple of hours with Danny yesterday while his Moms did some shopping. We had a couple of hours with just Danny while Bailey slept. He is such a sweet little guy. He struggled a bit when his Mommy left him, but quickly calmed down and spent the majority of the time just sweet and playing. Bailey woke up a couple of hours after he arrived. They played together.
It was during this that we finally had to accept that our daughter isn't perfect. She kept trying to take Danny's toys!!! And as she is significantly larger than Danny, she usually suceeded. She would walk right up to him, grab whatever he had and scream "MINE". Well.
I should pause for a second here and say that I don't deal well with kids that do that. It makes me so angry. The hardest part of parenting for me is turning off my instinctual response (which would be grab the toy from her and say...nope...it's MINE...which would only teach her that the biggest person in the room actually can win). Instead, I have to step back for a second, compose myself and deal with the situation in a way that is appropriate, rational and fair. LOL - that's hard for me, actually.
So, my response to her was to walk over, get on her level, put my hands on her hands, and tell her that we don't take toys from other kids. I gently took the toy away from her (not yelling, not tugging) and handed it back to Danny. Bailey immediately went for it again. I intervened again, stopping Bailey from taking the toy and telling her that we must share our toys and that if she did it again, she would have timeout. I backed off. Bailey hesitated, but went for Danny's toy again.
Before I continue, I should point out that Danny had moved on. See, Danny is so calm and indifferent to all that. You could almost hear him thinking "Well, fine...have it. I'm gonna get this one over here." He wasn't upset, didn't seem phased in the slightest. Perhaps a bit disgusted with Bailey's behavior (or is that me projecting my emotions???) but otherwise, perfectly content to just let her have the toy.
Me, on the other hand, will not let Bailey think that is an acceptable form of interaction. So, as promised, I took the toy away from her and set her down on the "timeout" bench. This bench sits in our living room and is quite remote from the house, without being isolated. We think it will be ideal as a timeout spot. I sat with her, of course, and I explained (as she was screaming) that we cannot take toys from other people. 30 seconds later, I let her down. Of course, a 15 month old doesn't understand much, so the timeouts must be kept very short. She calmed immediately and went back to playing nicely.
We did this 3 more times (for a total of 4 30-second timeouts in about an hour). She would play really well after the timeout for about 10-15 minutes and then she seemed to forget herself. Each time, I would intervene and go through the process again.
BUT, after the 4th timeout, Bailey seemed to get it. Danny was playing with the ball (there are three of them in our house), but Bailey wanted it. She started to take it from Danny but stopped when I spoke to her. She backed off. Danny pushed the ball towards Bailey. Bailey picked it up and brought it back to Danny...SHARING!!!! She did fantastic for the rest of the day - sharing, or playing with her own toys while Danny played with other. Of course, we rewarded this great behavior with lots of clapping, "good jobs" and hugs.
Let's just say she had much more interest in whatever Danny happened to be playing with, but she was not aggressive about it. At one point, I had to use a bit of a "tone" with her and indicated that if she didn't stop what she was doing she would get a timeout. She dropped her little head and walked over to the timeout bench! Poor girl.
Later that night, as we were putting on lotion, we told her how good she had done and how proud of her we were. We know that she doesn't really get it all right now, but the point is not the specific words. It's the patterns of behavior. We will have expectations of her behavior...but they are not that she will be perfect. The expectation is that she will learn and correct her actions when needed. And, I think, it's fair for her to expect that we will admit when we are wrong and (in my case) to find ways of dealing with my own frustration at her behavior that are fair to her.
She may be only 15 months old, but she's not too young to understand human emotion. She got it when I was upset with her behavior. She got it when were cheering for to do something right. And she showed a definate improvement in behavior when she understood the consequenses of a timeout. What more can you ask of the child??
More importantly, I don't expect this to stick. At this age, I suspect we will do this same cycle over and over again. It takes a long time to develop self-control. LOL - I'm still working on it...hehehe!
Kelly's sickness is leveling out. It's still bad, but it's becoming more managable. I don't know if that is because she's more used to it now or if it's because it's getting better. Whatever it is, we are grateful.
Bailey is fantastic. She has developed a new word..."MINE". This is never spoken softly. It is always yelled, as she's holding whatever it is up and away from whomever she is scolding. She says it with her little eyebrows pursed and her mouth set in a defiant line. Oh yes. We love childcare.
We spent a couple of hours with Danny yesterday while his Moms did some shopping. We had a couple of hours with just Danny while Bailey slept. He is such a sweet little guy. He struggled a bit when his Mommy left him, but quickly calmed down and spent the majority of the time just sweet and playing. Bailey woke up a couple of hours after he arrived. They played together.
It was during this that we finally had to accept that our daughter isn't perfect. She kept trying to take Danny's toys!!! And as she is significantly larger than Danny, she usually suceeded. She would walk right up to him, grab whatever he had and scream "MINE". Well.
I should pause for a second here and say that I don't deal well with kids that do that. It makes me so angry. The hardest part of parenting for me is turning off my instinctual response (which would be grab the toy from her and say...nope...it's MINE...which would only teach her that the biggest person in the room actually can win). Instead, I have to step back for a second, compose myself and deal with the situation in a way that is appropriate, rational and fair. LOL - that's hard for me, actually.
So, my response to her was to walk over, get on her level, put my hands on her hands, and tell her that we don't take toys from other kids. I gently took the toy away from her (not yelling, not tugging) and handed it back to Danny. Bailey immediately went for it again. I intervened again, stopping Bailey from taking the toy and telling her that we must share our toys and that if she did it again, she would have timeout. I backed off. Bailey hesitated, but went for Danny's toy again.
Before I continue, I should point out that Danny had moved on. See, Danny is so calm and indifferent to all that. You could almost hear him thinking "Well, fine...have it. I'm gonna get this one over here." He wasn't upset, didn't seem phased in the slightest. Perhaps a bit disgusted with Bailey's behavior (or is that me projecting my emotions???) but otherwise, perfectly content to just let her have the toy.
Me, on the other hand, will not let Bailey think that is an acceptable form of interaction. So, as promised, I took the toy away from her and set her down on the "timeout" bench. This bench sits in our living room and is quite remote from the house, without being isolated. We think it will be ideal as a timeout spot. I sat with her, of course, and I explained (as she was screaming) that we cannot take toys from other people. 30 seconds later, I let her down. Of course, a 15 month old doesn't understand much, so the timeouts must be kept very short. She calmed immediately and went back to playing nicely.
We did this 3 more times (for a total of 4 30-second timeouts in about an hour). She would play really well after the timeout for about 10-15 minutes and then she seemed to forget herself. Each time, I would intervene and go through the process again.
BUT, after the 4th timeout, Bailey seemed to get it. Danny was playing with the ball (there are three of them in our house), but Bailey wanted it. She started to take it from Danny but stopped when I spoke to her. She backed off. Danny pushed the ball towards Bailey. Bailey picked it up and brought it back to Danny...SHARING!!!! She did fantastic for the rest of the day - sharing, or playing with her own toys while Danny played with other. Of course, we rewarded this great behavior with lots of clapping, "good jobs" and hugs.
Let's just say she had much more interest in whatever Danny happened to be playing with, but she was not aggressive about it. At one point, I had to use a bit of a "tone" with her and indicated that if she didn't stop what she was doing she would get a timeout. She dropped her little head and walked over to the timeout bench! Poor girl.
Later that night, as we were putting on lotion, we told her how good she had done and how proud of her we were. We know that she doesn't really get it all right now, but the point is not the specific words. It's the patterns of behavior. We will have expectations of her behavior...but they are not that she will be perfect. The expectation is that she will learn and correct her actions when needed. And, I think, it's fair for her to expect that we will admit when we are wrong and (in my case) to find ways of dealing with my own frustration at her behavior that are fair to her.
She may be only 15 months old, but she's not too young to understand human emotion. She got it when I was upset with her behavior. She got it when were cheering for to do something right. And she showed a definate improvement in behavior when she understood the consequenses of a timeout. What more can you ask of the child??
More importantly, I don't expect this to stick. At this age, I suspect we will do this same cycle over and over again. It takes a long time to develop self-control. LOL - I'm still working on it...hehehe!
7/24/2008
Back in the Clear
Wow - yesterday sucked. Enough said about that.
The doctor's appointment was a joke. The receptionist scheduled us for a pregnancy confirmation. Of course, we didn't need to confirm pregnancy having had three betas and an ultrasound at the fertility clinic. They figured this all out at 9:30 when our appointment was supposed to have started at 9:10. It just so happened that our wonderful doctor was on the premises and was able to meet with us. She wasn't supposed to...after all according to their records, we were there for a simple blood draw.
We were told that they would do the "pap" and then do the "OB intake" at our next visit.
We finally get back to the exam room and wait another 10 minutes. Dr. Jones (who really is wonderful) came in and sat down. We told her about how badly Kelly's been feeling. Basically, she said that other than Zofran, which Kelly is already on, the only cure is time. She offered suggested, she was appropriately sympathetic. She offered Kelly the proverbial carrot by telling her that the "peak" for HcG (the hormone causing all the problems) is 10 weeks and after that it starts to decline. We're 9 weeks tomorrow. We have some hope.
So then, we asked her why a pap was necessary? We reminded her that were just there in January for our annual exams. She realized that it wasn't necessary. So then she said that she would swap for cultures - to test for basic STD's. We told her that all that was done by the clinic before insemination - it's a requirement. Of course, they didn't have our records from Columbia (although they did have a letter from Dr. Sachs).
Basically, there was nothing to be done. We left after getting Kelly's weight (so far, it looks like only a pound has been gained from her starting weight). We go back on the 4th, were we will do the OB Intake. Not sure what that is, but there you have it. By then, they will have all of our medical records and we hope that Kelly won't be so sick.
I have nothing more to say on yesterday...best just to keep it all in the past and try to forget it happened.
The doctor's appointment was a joke. The receptionist scheduled us for a pregnancy confirmation. Of course, we didn't need to confirm pregnancy having had three betas and an ultrasound at the fertility clinic. They figured this all out at 9:30 when our appointment was supposed to have started at 9:10. It just so happened that our wonderful doctor was on the premises and was able to meet with us. She wasn't supposed to...after all according to their records, we were there for a simple blood draw.
We were told that they would do the "pap" and then do the "OB intake" at our next visit.
We finally get back to the exam room and wait another 10 minutes. Dr. Jones (who really is wonderful) came in and sat down. We told her about how badly Kelly's been feeling. Basically, she said that other than Zofran, which Kelly is already on, the only cure is time. She offered suggested, she was appropriately sympathetic. She offered Kelly the proverbial carrot by telling her that the "peak" for HcG (the hormone causing all the problems) is 10 weeks and after that it starts to decline. We're 9 weeks tomorrow. We have some hope.
So then, we asked her why a pap was necessary? We reminded her that were just there in January for our annual exams. She realized that it wasn't necessary. So then she said that she would swap for cultures - to test for basic STD's. We told her that all that was done by the clinic before insemination - it's a requirement. Of course, they didn't have our records from Columbia (although they did have a letter from Dr. Sachs).
Basically, there was nothing to be done. We left after getting Kelly's weight (so far, it looks like only a pound has been gained from her starting weight). We go back on the 4th, were we will do the OB Intake. Not sure what that is, but there you have it. By then, they will have all of our medical records and we hope that Kelly won't be so sick.
I have nothing more to say on yesterday...best just to keep it all in the past and try to forget it happened.
7/23/2008
But Everything Is Okay
Just realized that some of you might be worried about the health of our child - everything is fine. We are all fine and dandy. Just a shitty, shitty, shitty day.
Today's Doctor's Appointment
Everything sucked today. I'm in such a shitty mood that I can't talk about it. Maybe tomorrow.
7/22/2008
This May Sound Awful...But...
If I had known how sick Kelly was going to be carrying this child, I would have suggested stopping at one and letting Bailey be an only child.
My heart has never broken so much as it did last night, laying with my wife in our bed while she cried and asked me what she was going to do, how she was going to get through it and when it would stop. I've never seen such a defeated look in her eyes, or seen her look so scared of something.
This has kicked her ass and is now continuing to kick her while she's down and it's breaking my heart.
Below the surface, I know that it's worth it. All those little platitudes don't really mean shit right now, though, and it's so hard not to say them. I want to wrap her up and fix it...make it go away...like I have every other awful thing that has infected my wife's life. But I can't. I have to stand back and witness her journey through this incredibly difficult process. I can't fall back on the simple words like "it'll be okay" and "this will end". While those things may be true, they are meaningless right now while she is in the thick of it and they sound like diminishing comments when I say them. I don't want to disregard the power of how badly she is feeling.
The depression is kicking in. Because she feels so badly, she has a hard time spending time with Bailey. Bailey is responding in kind, by being a bit standoffish to Kelly. Last night, Bailey tried to hit Kelly when Kelly came to me for a hug - a sure sign that Bailey is getting possesive of me. It's hard for me to not lash out at Bailey when she does that, because I know it hurts my wife. Yet, I know that Bailey doesn't understand the complexities of human emotion. She is acting on instinct alone. Hard to juggle that one. I've managed so far - but the whole fucking thing sucks.
Here's another platitude: we'll get through this. All three of us, and Littler Honey too. We have a doctors appointment in the morning tomorrow (our first with our OB after being released from the fertility clinic)...maybe Dr. Jones will be able to come up with some drug cocktail that will help Kelly get through the physical part of this. I will carry our life, and as much of her heart as can be carried.
We're tired. Very, very tired.
On a very different note, Bailey has learned a new word. "Shit". At least, we think it is shit. I was trying to teach her "sit" at the playground on Sunday. I'd point to her chair and say "would you like to "sit". She would shake her head no. Yesterday, I was sitting on the floor with her and she was playing with my cell phone. I flipped it open for her (because she can't do it on her own) and she was enjoying playing with the buttons and making the phone light up. She accidentally flipped the phone shut. She turned around and looked at the phone and said "shit". Kelly looked up from the couch and looked at me and said "that sounded an awful lot like the s-word". I laughed. I know that is the wrong response, but honestly, I couldn't help it. There is no way I could keep it in. It exploded out of me.
So then, I looked at Bailey and I said "Did you say sit?" She looked at me, smiled and sat down on her butt. Then she stood up. I said "sit" and she sat down. We played that game three or four more times. On the last "sit" she shook her head no. So...we know that she knows the word sit and what it means. Why would she say "sit" to a phone that had closed and she couldn't get open?
It's possible, though, that she was saying sit. But if she was, her "sit" sounds so much like "shit" that nobody will ever believe that she isn't swearing.
That was a brief moment of hilarity in an otherwise tough night.
My heart has never broken so much as it did last night, laying with my wife in our bed while she cried and asked me what she was going to do, how she was going to get through it and when it would stop. I've never seen such a defeated look in her eyes, or seen her look so scared of something.
This has kicked her ass and is now continuing to kick her while she's down and it's breaking my heart.
Below the surface, I know that it's worth it. All those little platitudes don't really mean shit right now, though, and it's so hard not to say them. I want to wrap her up and fix it...make it go away...like I have every other awful thing that has infected my wife's life. But I can't. I have to stand back and witness her journey through this incredibly difficult process. I can't fall back on the simple words like "it'll be okay" and "this will end". While those things may be true, they are meaningless right now while she is in the thick of it and they sound like diminishing comments when I say them. I don't want to disregard the power of how badly she is feeling.
The depression is kicking in. Because she feels so badly, she has a hard time spending time with Bailey. Bailey is responding in kind, by being a bit standoffish to Kelly. Last night, Bailey tried to hit Kelly when Kelly came to me for a hug - a sure sign that Bailey is getting possesive of me. It's hard for me to not lash out at Bailey when she does that, because I know it hurts my wife. Yet, I know that Bailey doesn't understand the complexities of human emotion. She is acting on instinct alone. Hard to juggle that one. I've managed so far - but the whole fucking thing sucks.
Here's another platitude: we'll get through this. All three of us, and Littler Honey too. We have a doctors appointment in the morning tomorrow (our first with our OB after being released from the fertility clinic)...maybe Dr. Jones will be able to come up with some drug cocktail that will help Kelly get through the physical part of this. I will carry our life, and as much of her heart as can be carried.
We're tired. Very, very tired.
On a very different note, Bailey has learned a new word. "Shit". At least, we think it is shit. I was trying to teach her "sit" at the playground on Sunday. I'd point to her chair and say "would you like to "sit". She would shake her head no. Yesterday, I was sitting on the floor with her and she was playing with my cell phone. I flipped it open for her (because she can't do it on her own) and she was enjoying playing with the buttons and making the phone light up. She accidentally flipped the phone shut. She turned around and looked at the phone and said "shit". Kelly looked up from the couch and looked at me and said "that sounded an awful lot like the s-word". I laughed. I know that is the wrong response, but honestly, I couldn't help it. There is no way I could keep it in. It exploded out of me.
So then, I looked at Bailey and I said "Did you say sit?" She looked at me, smiled and sat down on her butt. Then she stood up. I said "sit" and she sat down. We played that game three or four more times. On the last "sit" she shook her head no. So...we know that she knows the word sit and what it means. Why would she say "sit" to a phone that had closed and she couldn't get open?
It's possible, though, that she was saying sit. But if she was, her "sit" sounds so much like "shit" that nobody will ever believe that she isn't swearing.
That was a brief moment of hilarity in an otherwise tough night.
7/21/2008
Momma Time
A lovely weekend was had by all (except Kelly...more on that later). My mom flew in for a conference on Saturday morning. Kelly, Bailey and I all drove to the airport to fetch her. What a wonderful thing it is to see my mother. It always makes me feel like a bit of my heart has been rejoined with the rest. Bailey had just woken up from her nap (she almost always sleeps in the car) and regarded her Grammie with a great deal of suspiciousness. Nothing I did from the passenger's seat could make her crack a smile. Her pursed little eyes never wavered from Grammie...but not a smile to be seen.
She warmed up over time, of course. Our daughter spends a good bit of time taking the measure of a person before she will spend any time charming you. But once you're in...watch out!
Saturday was spent just hanging out. Bailey is always a bunch of work, but it was a lovely chore with my mom around to see her interacting with her world. She napped a bit, we all hung out. It was nice. After putting Bailey to bed, and getting Kelly some oatmeal, my mom and I set out to satisfy my craving for steak and a martini. We spent a couple of hours dining and talking (I had the most wonderful "Appleicious Martini" and a delightful ribeye). We topped it off with a piece of shared cheesecake. It was extremely relaxing and reminded me of the parts of my mother I miss the most, and of what we gave up when we decided not to move to Maine. It would be nice to be able to have dinner with my Mom a couple times a month.
Sunday was a mamouth day of getting shit done, taking care of my wife and entertaining Bailey. After getting up at 5 AM to spend a few minutes with Mom, I left for the city to drop her off at her conference hotel. When I left, both of my girls were still in bed (and I expected them to stay that way until I got back...it was only 6 AM!!!). But the best laid plans...Bailey woke up shortly after we left. Kelly tried to ignore her to get her to fall back asleep (usually works), but this time, I didn't. She really believed she was ready to get up (she wasn't). Kelly popped out of bed (bad, bad idea) and managed to get her dressed and downstairs in her high chair eating. Kelly started to eat herself (a very small bowl of cereal), when she vomited for the first time during this pregnancy. The problem is that Kelly NEVER gets out of bed without eating first. And it's a substantial breakfast usually - I bring her oatmeal or cream of wheat. And the eating/waking process takes her about a half hour...and that is just so that she feels good enough to stand and make it to the shower.
She called me after vomiting, wondering where I was. I was just dropping Mom off, so still in the city and at least 45 minutes away. She muddled through and I flew home. Bailey, who had insisted so stridently that she wanted to be awake, was simply exhausted when I got home and Kelly, who shouldn't have been up in the first place, was sicker than she's been yet. I took over, sending Kelly to the bathroom to shower and think about her next meal. After about a half hour it became obvious that Bailey needed to go back to bed. She went down without a fuss. I went to pick up a quiche for Kelly and then mowed the lawn while Bailey napped. I showered. I got the house picked up. Kelly hung out, trying to will herself into feeling better. When Bailey woke up, we ate and then Bailey and I headed out. We shopped, we played, we had a good time. While we were gone, Kelly was able to get the laundry mostly done and the upstairs vacuumed. Sweet wife that she is.
So it goes. Today, I am playing hooky. It's Momma-day. I took myself out for breakfast, bought shoes for the dress that I'm wearing to my brother's wedding next month, have read for hours and am about to take a nap. When I wake, I'm going to take a bath. Oh yes. I do love a Momma-day.
To sum up a very long story...we're good. Kelly is sick as hell and we're getting through it. She's emotionally exhausted from feeling like shit and from having her entire world simply stop and focus on being sick. She's physically exhausted from being pregnant, from not being able to sleep at night, and from trying to pretend she feels normal on some level. Without a doubt, this pregnancy is kicking her ass. I comfort where I can, make food and try to carry her load...but this is, in many ways, a solitary journey. I can only offer my understanding and try to help her through it. We both know it is time limited. For her sake, I hope that time is sooner rather than later.
Bailey is good. She's normal. She's doing her thing. She's funny, charming, sweet, challenging and exactly what I would expect a toddler to be.
And I'm hanging in there. As I told my mom on Saturday night, the best part about this entire difficult pregnancy while Bailey is in a challenging age is that for the first time in nearly 3 years...I feel strong again. I feel in control, happy, capable and like I am finally being the woman I've always known myself to be. That's a good feeling.
She warmed up over time, of course. Our daughter spends a good bit of time taking the measure of a person before she will spend any time charming you. But once you're in...watch out!
Saturday was spent just hanging out. Bailey is always a bunch of work, but it was a lovely chore with my mom around to see her interacting with her world. She napped a bit, we all hung out. It was nice. After putting Bailey to bed, and getting Kelly some oatmeal, my mom and I set out to satisfy my craving for steak and a martini. We spent a couple of hours dining and talking (I had the most wonderful "Appleicious Martini" and a delightful ribeye). We topped it off with a piece of shared cheesecake. It was extremely relaxing and reminded me of the parts of my mother I miss the most, and of what we gave up when we decided not to move to Maine. It would be nice to be able to have dinner with my Mom a couple times a month.
Sunday was a mamouth day of getting shit done, taking care of my wife and entertaining Bailey. After getting up at 5 AM to spend a few minutes with Mom, I left for the city to drop her off at her conference hotel. When I left, both of my girls were still in bed (and I expected them to stay that way until I got back...it was only 6 AM!!!). But the best laid plans...Bailey woke up shortly after we left. Kelly tried to ignore her to get her to fall back asleep (usually works), but this time, I didn't. She really believed she was ready to get up (she wasn't). Kelly popped out of bed (bad, bad idea) and managed to get her dressed and downstairs in her high chair eating. Kelly started to eat herself (a very small bowl of cereal), when she vomited for the first time during this pregnancy. The problem is that Kelly NEVER gets out of bed without eating first. And it's a substantial breakfast usually - I bring her oatmeal or cream of wheat. And the eating/waking process takes her about a half hour...and that is just so that she feels good enough to stand and make it to the shower.
She called me after vomiting, wondering where I was. I was just dropping Mom off, so still in the city and at least 45 minutes away. She muddled through and I flew home. Bailey, who had insisted so stridently that she wanted to be awake, was simply exhausted when I got home and Kelly, who shouldn't have been up in the first place, was sicker than she's been yet. I took over, sending Kelly to the bathroom to shower and think about her next meal. After about a half hour it became obvious that Bailey needed to go back to bed. She went down without a fuss. I went to pick up a quiche for Kelly and then mowed the lawn while Bailey napped. I showered. I got the house picked up. Kelly hung out, trying to will herself into feeling better. When Bailey woke up, we ate and then Bailey and I headed out. We shopped, we played, we had a good time. While we were gone, Kelly was able to get the laundry mostly done and the upstairs vacuumed. Sweet wife that she is.
So it goes. Today, I am playing hooky. It's Momma-day. I took myself out for breakfast, bought shoes for the dress that I'm wearing to my brother's wedding next month, have read for hours and am about to take a nap. When I wake, I'm going to take a bath. Oh yes. I do love a Momma-day.
To sum up a very long story...we're good. Kelly is sick as hell and we're getting through it. She's emotionally exhausted from feeling like shit and from having her entire world simply stop and focus on being sick. She's physically exhausted from being pregnant, from not being able to sleep at night, and from trying to pretend she feels normal on some level. Without a doubt, this pregnancy is kicking her ass. I comfort where I can, make food and try to carry her load...but this is, in many ways, a solitary journey. I can only offer my understanding and try to help her through it. We both know it is time limited. For her sake, I hope that time is sooner rather than later.
Bailey is good. She's normal. She's doing her thing. She's funny, charming, sweet, challenging and exactly what I would expect a toddler to be.
And I'm hanging in there. As I told my mom on Saturday night, the best part about this entire difficult pregnancy while Bailey is in a challenging age is that for the first time in nearly 3 years...I feel strong again. I feel in control, happy, capable and like I am finally being the woman I've always known myself to be. That's a good feeling.
7/18/2008
I'm Amused...I Can't Help It
So this morning, I was talking to one of the moms at our current daycare who is pulling her child out and moving her to a new center. Out of curiousity, I asked which one. She said it was Lakeside - a church run, brand new, MUCH cheaper childcare facility in Waldorf.
I checked it out.
Their website clearly states that they have a Christian-teaching method. They call their facility "your child's Christian home away from home." They use teaching books and methods developed by leading Christian scholars. Their books unabashadly state that they teach God as the created and final law on all things (science, math, english...every thing).
Let me stop for just a minute here, lest you all get the wrong idea about me. I am, obviously, not Christian. I'm not sure what my label would be, but certainly not Christian. That doesn't mean that I have any issues with the faith or the people who choose to believe. I certainly have issues with Christianity in the aggregate, but when we're talking about people who believe and the teaching of Jesus Christ...I think this is all fine and dandy. Not for me. But fine.
So I figured - what the hell? I gave them a call. I spoke with the Assistant Director. I told her that we had heard great things and were interested in exploring their facility as an option for our 14 month old daughter. On the heels of that statement I explained that we were an open lesbian family, that I was not a believer in Christianity and that my wife was a non-practicing Christian. I asked how that would fit, if at all, within the context of their childcare facility. I further explained that I am not worried at all about the Christian aspect, but that I needed to be clear that they would not have a problem with our family, with the fact that Bailey does not have a father, and with the fact that neither of us will ever tell her that Christianity is the only belief their is to choose from.
LOL -the woman was taken aback, I think. Her first response back to me was "You're not a Christian? Do you believe the word of God?" To which I promptly answerd, "No, but I think my wife does."
The conversation just went from there. She didn't really understand why it was important that we were a lesbian family. She made the comment that all the kids say "Mommy"...I'm not exactly sure how that fits, but there it is. I told her that it was important because ignoring Bailey's family is the same thing as acknowledging it in a negative way. It becomes most important on days like Mother's Day (when Bailey has two women to celebrate) and Father's Day (when Bailey has none). It is also important in normal conversation, for instance, when teacher's talk about "Mommy" and "Daddy" and ask Bailey to respond. The woman didn't understand why it needed to be an issue at all.
I explained, as patiently as I could, that the "issue" is that it cannot be ignored or "not mentioned". It's a level of respect and education that has to be done, and Kelly and I are willing to take that one...but only with their cooperation.
After 15 minutes, I gave up. I checked them off our list of centers to consider and realized (one more time) that I'll never fit into a Christian community. It's just not my thing.
I checked it out.
Their website clearly states that they have a Christian-teaching method. They call their facility "your child's Christian home away from home." They use teaching books and methods developed by leading Christian scholars. Their books unabashadly state that they teach God as the created and final law on all things (science, math, english...every thing).
Let me stop for just a minute here, lest you all get the wrong idea about me. I am, obviously, not Christian. I'm not sure what my label would be, but certainly not Christian. That doesn't mean that I have any issues with the faith or the people who choose to believe. I certainly have issues with Christianity in the aggregate, but when we're talking about people who believe and the teaching of Jesus Christ...I think this is all fine and dandy. Not for me. But fine.
So I figured - what the hell? I gave them a call. I spoke with the Assistant Director. I told her that we had heard great things and were interested in exploring their facility as an option for our 14 month old daughter. On the heels of that statement I explained that we were an open lesbian family, that I was not a believer in Christianity and that my wife was a non-practicing Christian. I asked how that would fit, if at all, within the context of their childcare facility. I further explained that I am not worried at all about the Christian aspect, but that I needed to be clear that they would not have a problem with our family, with the fact that Bailey does not have a father, and with the fact that neither of us will ever tell her that Christianity is the only belief their is to choose from.
LOL -the woman was taken aback, I think. Her first response back to me was "You're not a Christian? Do you believe the word of God?" To which I promptly answerd, "No, but I think my wife does."
The conversation just went from there. She didn't really understand why it was important that we were a lesbian family. She made the comment that all the kids say "Mommy"...I'm not exactly sure how that fits, but there it is. I told her that it was important because ignoring Bailey's family is the same thing as acknowledging it in a negative way. It becomes most important on days like Mother's Day (when Bailey has two women to celebrate) and Father's Day (when Bailey has none). It is also important in normal conversation, for instance, when teacher's talk about "Mommy" and "Daddy" and ask Bailey to respond. The woman didn't understand why it needed to be an issue at all.
I explained, as patiently as I could, that the "issue" is that it cannot be ignored or "not mentioned". It's a level of respect and education that has to be done, and Kelly and I are willing to take that one...but only with their cooperation.
After 15 minutes, I gave up. I checked them off our list of centers to consider and realized (one more time) that I'll never fit into a Christian community. It's just not my thing.
7/17/2008
Sexpert
I'm still contemplating how I become the latest and gratest sexpert. I've always been able to picture my goal, imagine my way there and then make it happen. It's how I got the girl, it's how I made it through college, it's how I've succeed at my jobs.
But, I have no idea how to attack this one.
I see many problems.
1) Sexology or some variation is not a mainstream field of study. The majority of the studies are coming out of San Francisco and I live on the other side of the country. It's not like Pheonix online offers distance learning classes on human sex.
2) I have no time or money to pursue this dream. That's a big one. We can't afford for me to go back to school. If we could, I'd head to one of the local college, and study psychology and biology with a focus on human sexuality. But we have no money and my $60K in loans that I already have means I'm not digging myself deeper. As for the time, I am willing to figure it out, even though it would mean not sleeping.
3) Once I've figured out the education side of it...cause let's face it, all I have on my side is a deep interested and bit of dabbling in the dark side on a personal level...how do I avoid becoming a boring sex therapist talking to people who can't seem to make their marriage spark? I want to dabble deeper into the sexual practices of the human being. Even though it may seem seedy to some, I'm interested in sexual perversion...or at least, what society deems as sexual perversion.
All these thoughts. I think, right now, the dream is unattainable. The best I can do is spend time at the library, check out books on the topic and read. Self-education is free and I can read on the bus as I commute.
*sigh* Why did I ever think I wanted a degree in busines???
But, I have no idea how to attack this one.
I see many problems.
1) Sexology or some variation is not a mainstream field of study. The majority of the studies are coming out of San Francisco and I live on the other side of the country. It's not like Pheonix online offers distance learning classes on human sex.
2) I have no time or money to pursue this dream. That's a big one. We can't afford for me to go back to school. If we could, I'd head to one of the local college, and study psychology and biology with a focus on human sexuality. But we have no money and my $60K in loans that I already have means I'm not digging myself deeper. As for the time, I am willing to figure it out, even though it would mean not sleeping.
3) Once I've figured out the education side of it...cause let's face it, all I have on my side is a deep interested and bit of dabbling in the dark side on a personal level...how do I avoid becoming a boring sex therapist talking to people who can't seem to make their marriage spark? I want to dabble deeper into the sexual practices of the human being. Even though it may seem seedy to some, I'm interested in sexual perversion...or at least, what society deems as sexual perversion.
All these thoughts. I think, right now, the dream is unattainable. The best I can do is spend time at the library, check out books on the topic and read. Self-education is free and I can read on the bus as I commute.
*sigh* Why did I ever think I wanted a degree in busines???
7/16/2008
Living Outside My Brain
My mother in law once accused me of thinking too much. She's also accused Kelly of that same thing. I say "accused" because it really did have a negative twist to it.
I've never been offended by the comment. I do think a lot. I don't see the news and let it wash over me; I process the information, make judgement, form opinions and blend it all with any previous knowledge I may have on the subject. I then file all that information away for a day when I may need it. And often, I vocalize that process.
For those of you who have read this blog since the beginning, you're probaby well aware of the processes that I go through in any situation. My brain and my mouth seem to be connected in a way that sometimes isn't great...but more often is just the way that I move through any situation. I feel, I process, I vocalize, I complete. That seems to be my cycle.
Lately, though, I feel like I've not been able to think very much. It seems that the endless string of chores and processes of carrying for our daughter has led me to a place where my brain feels a bit like it's on auto pilot. I often don't watch the news right now. While I felt passionately about the Democratic primary season, I have lapsed into boredom with the campaign. When I read, it's crap - brain-candy books or dumb-ass celebrity magazines. I don't check CNN.com anymore - I check People.com. Hell, I don't even listen to good radio - I listen to Hot 99.5 and thump my way through every drive.
I wonder what that is about? Am I bored? I know that I am happy in my life and in my choices...but perhaps my brain is bored? I'd accept that.
The problem that I have is that I feel very little passion about the things I used to feel passion for. I used to get all excited about politics. Now, I don't give a shit. I'm disillusioned and, honestly, don't believe that huge change will occur (except in slow, gradual shifts). I don't really feel passionately about world affairs, although I feel guilty when I'm uninformed. I don't really care about the environment, except to work on making the changes that I need in order to not feel like the world's worst person (moving to cloth bags, recycling, etc.). I'm not even all that interested anymore in the whole feminist thing. I mean, I feel a pang of excitment when I see a group of radical women gathered together focused on a mission...but not enough that I want to be one of those women.
You know what I am passionate about?
Sex.
And not having it. I like that as much as the next person, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm interested in the world of perversion and sexual desire that people keep hidden. I'm interested in who is having sex, how good that sex is, why it's good, why it's not and how it effect lives. And not in the micro sense. I don't care if my neighbor is getting laid or my buddies are rocking both ends of the candle. I care about it in the aggregate. What drives us sexually as human beings? We know that sex is as essential to people as food, water, and air. How we operate within that dynamic is what interests me.
I'd love to study it. I'd love to teach it. I've thought about becoming a sex-toy dealer. You know, have sex toy parties like they have tupperware parties. But that is far more campy than I'm interested in. I don't really care to spend a bunch of time with 20-something straight girls who giggle at the sight of a dildo. I'm beyond all of that.
What I would like to do is interview people. I'd like to sit down with 1000 people and talk to them about sex - their thoughts, their feelings, their desires, their disappointments and satifactions. And then, I'd like to write about what I heard. Not in the Kinsey model of information - but in a casual, non-medical kind of way. Kind of like, did you know that of the 1000 people I talked to, 850 of them use sex toys on a regular basis?
And once I've done that, I'd love to delve deeper - into the really seedy, underground sexually deviante practices of the people around us. The stuff that many people think about, but are too scared to explore. I'd love to just blow the roof off all this convention around sex and open people up to a discussion about sex and why really matters.
The problem is that I'm not sure how to go from an MCLE & Professional Development Coordinator at a major law firm with a degree in Business and Accounting to the latest and greatest sex-expert. Anyone have any ideas?
I've never been offended by the comment. I do think a lot. I don't see the news and let it wash over me; I process the information, make judgement, form opinions and blend it all with any previous knowledge I may have on the subject. I then file all that information away for a day when I may need it. And often, I vocalize that process.
For those of you who have read this blog since the beginning, you're probaby well aware of the processes that I go through in any situation. My brain and my mouth seem to be connected in a way that sometimes isn't great...but more often is just the way that I move through any situation. I feel, I process, I vocalize, I complete. That seems to be my cycle.
Lately, though, I feel like I've not been able to think very much. It seems that the endless string of chores and processes of carrying for our daughter has led me to a place where my brain feels a bit like it's on auto pilot. I often don't watch the news right now. While I felt passionately about the Democratic primary season, I have lapsed into boredom with the campaign. When I read, it's crap - brain-candy books or dumb-ass celebrity magazines. I don't check CNN.com anymore - I check People.com. Hell, I don't even listen to good radio - I listen to Hot 99.5 and thump my way through every drive.
I wonder what that is about? Am I bored? I know that I am happy in my life and in my choices...but perhaps my brain is bored? I'd accept that.
The problem that I have is that I feel very little passion about the things I used to feel passion for. I used to get all excited about politics. Now, I don't give a shit. I'm disillusioned and, honestly, don't believe that huge change will occur (except in slow, gradual shifts). I don't really feel passionately about world affairs, although I feel guilty when I'm uninformed. I don't really care about the environment, except to work on making the changes that I need in order to not feel like the world's worst person (moving to cloth bags, recycling, etc.). I'm not even all that interested anymore in the whole feminist thing. I mean, I feel a pang of excitment when I see a group of radical women gathered together focused on a mission...but not enough that I want to be one of those women.
You know what I am passionate about?
Sex.
And not having it. I like that as much as the next person, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm interested in the world of perversion and sexual desire that people keep hidden. I'm interested in who is having sex, how good that sex is, why it's good, why it's not and how it effect lives. And not in the micro sense. I don't care if my neighbor is getting laid or my buddies are rocking both ends of the candle. I care about it in the aggregate. What drives us sexually as human beings? We know that sex is as essential to people as food, water, and air. How we operate within that dynamic is what interests me.
I'd love to study it. I'd love to teach it. I've thought about becoming a sex-toy dealer. You know, have sex toy parties like they have tupperware parties. But that is far more campy than I'm interested in. I don't really care to spend a bunch of time with 20-something straight girls who giggle at the sight of a dildo. I'm beyond all of that.
What I would like to do is interview people. I'd like to sit down with 1000 people and talk to them about sex - their thoughts, their feelings, their desires, their disappointments and satifactions. And then, I'd like to write about what I heard. Not in the Kinsey model of information - but in a casual, non-medical kind of way. Kind of like, did you know that of the 1000 people I talked to, 850 of them use sex toys on a regular basis?
And once I've done that, I'd love to delve deeper - into the really seedy, underground sexually deviante practices of the people around us. The stuff that many people think about, but are too scared to explore. I'd love to just blow the roof off all this convention around sex and open people up to a discussion about sex and why really matters.
The problem is that I'm not sure how to go from an MCLE & Professional Development Coordinator at a major law firm with a degree in Business and Accounting to the latest and greatest sex-expert. Anyone have any ideas?
7/15/2008
Bailey's Tantrums and Daycare Delights
I'm super happy to be able to report that we have had a signficant breakthrough with the tantrum situation. Our method of waiting her out and letting her go seems to be working, because in the past week she hasn't thrown one tantrum. We've learned a little bit, as well. We've learned that by distracting her before she is full-blown, we can often prevent the tantrum all together. We've also learned that her tantrums are often started because she is interested in what we are doing (i.e. when I'm cooking). If I pick her up, show her what I'm doing and then offer her a new activity (such as playing in the cupboard that is safe for her to play in, that prevents the tantrum. The best lesson of all, though, is that when Bailey is tired we need to put her to bed. No matter how early it may seem to us. This past week, Bailey has been in bed between 6:30 and 6:45 PM every night. And she sleeps, uninterupted, until we get her up around 6:30 AM. On the weekends, she is sleeping until we get her up at 8:30 or 9 AM. And then she takes a 2-3 hour nap during the day. Maybe a growth spurt? Maybe she just likes to sleep. Who knows. What I do know is that if we try to keep her up, every little disappointment is reason to explode into crazy tantrums that go on and on and on.
Watching her cues and listening to them, is working well.
The sad part about it, though, is that it seem that more often than not, I will not see my daughter on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Those are my late days - meaning I get her up, feed her breakfast and drop her off at daycare, catching the bus around 8 AM...which puts me to work around 9-9:15ish. I leave work between 5 and 5:30...depending on the day. But, that means I'm not home until 6:30 or 7 PM...and Bailey is already in bed. I always go up and snuggle her sleeping body...but that is not interaction. It's comfort for me...very slight comfort...and nothing else.
It's for the best, though, so I just have to learn to accept it. Eventually her schedule will shift again, and she will stay up a bit later.
As for the daycare delights...seems that Bailey has picked up screaming and slapping as means of getting what she wants from the other kids. We have observed her letting out a high pitched yell when she is frustrated. Not a long drawn out yell, but one that (if it could be words) would be a bit like "DAMN IT". You know...that kind of yell. Kelly also watched her slap a doll that another child was playing with yesterday when Bailey wanted it. Of course, she immediately stepped in and firmly told Bailey no. We'll see how long it takes us to break of her those habits.
On a completely different front, it seems that our daughter's personality is changing. Remember how incredibly extroverted she used to be? That's changing. She used to love to come into her room at daycare and be the center of attention. Perhaps that is because it was an infant room and it was mostly quiet and mostly peaceful. Well, now, she enters her classroom and wants to sit quietly at the table. We bring her in a little bit of a waffle or fruit for her to snack on and she sits and observes the other kids before joining the fray. It seems that some of her immediate need to be the center of attention is diminishing. It's interesting to watch.
Watching her cues and listening to them, is working well.
The sad part about it, though, is that it seem that more often than not, I will not see my daughter on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Those are my late days - meaning I get her up, feed her breakfast and drop her off at daycare, catching the bus around 8 AM...which puts me to work around 9-9:15ish. I leave work between 5 and 5:30...depending on the day. But, that means I'm not home until 6:30 or 7 PM...and Bailey is already in bed. I always go up and snuggle her sleeping body...but that is not interaction. It's comfort for me...very slight comfort...and nothing else.
It's for the best, though, so I just have to learn to accept it. Eventually her schedule will shift again, and she will stay up a bit later.
As for the daycare delights...seems that Bailey has picked up screaming and slapping as means of getting what she wants from the other kids. We have observed her letting out a high pitched yell when she is frustrated. Not a long drawn out yell, but one that (if it could be words) would be a bit like "DAMN IT". You know...that kind of yell. Kelly also watched her slap a doll that another child was playing with yesterday when Bailey wanted it. Of course, she immediately stepped in and firmly told Bailey no. We'll see how long it takes us to break of her those habits.
On a completely different front, it seems that our daughter's personality is changing. Remember how incredibly extroverted she used to be? That's changing. She used to love to come into her room at daycare and be the center of attention. Perhaps that is because it was an infant room and it was mostly quiet and mostly peaceful. Well, now, she enters her classroom and wants to sit quietly at the table. We bring her in a little bit of a waffle or fruit for her to snack on and she sits and observes the other kids before joining the fray. It seems that some of her immediate need to be the center of attention is diminishing. It's interesting to watch.
7/14/2008
Coping
I'm absolutely astounded at how much work it is to be the partner of a pregnant woman. This is second only to how incredibly astonished I am at how much work being pregnant is for Kelly.
Kelly pointed out to me this weekend that I slept my way through the first trimester. Being the childless couple that we were at the time, that was possible. I slept and Kelly busied herself with the house chores that she wanted to do (like the easy task of painting the entire downstairs...LOL). I specifically remember reclining on the couch and waking up to eat and putter around for a couple of hours and then going back to sleep. It was so easy in retrospect.
Kelly, on the other hand, is shafted in two ways. First, her pregnancy is about 10 times more difficult than mine was. Seriously. I know that I complained a lot and if you thought I had it rough, you can begin to understand how hard this is on Kelly. Her entire world is timed in 1 hour increments and every decision is made based on getting enough (but not too much) of the right foods (these change every day) and when she can take her medication to prevent even worse sickness.
Let me just spell this out so you have some idea. We'll take a random couple of hours from any given day. So say it's 10 AM and Kelly had just eaten a half cup of bran cereal with some soy milk. The food is probably not sitting great and her belly is aching from cramps (because every time she eats, she gets cramps). She sits down for about 15 minutes, because her head is spinning and she needs to let the food settle so that it will stay down. She sips water or apple juice or gatoraide if any other that happens to sound good at the moment. Her food finally settles and her body decides it will keep it about a half hour after the food is consumed. She has about 15 minutes to be a normal human being, so maybe she plays with Bailey or wanders around the house trying to help with some of the chores. About 15 minutes into that, her head starts spinning again. Time to think about food. She spends the next 15 minutes looking at the contents of the cupboard or the fridge trying to figure out what looks good. Meanwhile, spending all that time looking at food makes her naseous. The other option is that I spend 10 minutes in the kitchen calling out options, most of which are met with groans and thinly-veiled disgust. We finally settle on something and I am usually the person who makes whatever she's decided on because by this time, she's already so naseated from the process of figuring it out that she can't stand to be in the kitchen. I bring her her food and she then must spend the next 10-15 minutes psyching her mind and body out to be able to even touch the food in front of her. 10 minutes later, she may have gotten the food in (we're talking about 1/2 cup of food or less) and then the game begins again.
Without a break.
Ever.
Talk about exhausting. For all of us.
I think, at this point, it's safe to say that we'll never have a third child. It's just not going to happen.
So back to this shafted thing. The second way she is shafted is that we have a child. And we don't have a simple, easy going child. Hell no. We have Bailey. Our bundle of loud, excited, challenging energy who needs almost constant interaction and who wants it from both of us. Even when I push Kelly to take a nap, to watch TV, to stay off her feet, she can't do it. And not because I won't let her...but because she feels bad. I'm carrying nearly everything right now and while I absolutely do not mind, the exhaustion is evident on me. I am an absolute failure at hiding my feelings, so when I'm stressed, tired, grumpy or bored with the same old routine, it shows. And she feels bad. But I can't pretend to feel any other way. So poor Kelly gets to try to be a part of the "normal" routine of our household while feeling like absolute shit because I'm not Donna Reed.
When I was pregnant, my easy-going, laid-back, down-to-eart, NON-drama queen wife took it all in stride. On the flip side, this strung-out, stressed out, drama queen wife of hers is not handling it with nearly as much grace as she did.
So anyway.
It may not seem it, but we are actually doing okay. We're both lost inside of the struggle of a difficult early-pregnancy, but we're coping. We know each other so well, and that helps. I can tell when she is needing me and she can tell when I need to be left alone.
Kelly made the comment that having a pregnant partner is lonely in the beginning of her pregnancy. She said "it's so fucking lonely. All you did was sleep. You'll see." Kelly isn't sleeping constantly, but my wife has been taken over by horrible morning sickness and is consumed with self preservation. It IS lonely.
We would have it no other way. This is the path we are following to complete our dream, and we wouldn't change it for a second.
But I think we'll both be happy when this passes and she can feel a bit more like herself. Herself pregnant, to be sure...but herself.
Kelly pointed out to me this weekend that I slept my way through the first trimester. Being the childless couple that we were at the time, that was possible. I slept and Kelly busied herself with the house chores that she wanted to do (like the easy task of painting the entire downstairs...LOL). I specifically remember reclining on the couch and waking up to eat and putter around for a couple of hours and then going back to sleep. It was so easy in retrospect.
Kelly, on the other hand, is shafted in two ways. First, her pregnancy is about 10 times more difficult than mine was. Seriously. I know that I complained a lot and if you thought I had it rough, you can begin to understand how hard this is on Kelly. Her entire world is timed in 1 hour increments and every decision is made based on getting enough (but not too much) of the right foods (these change every day) and when she can take her medication to prevent even worse sickness.
Let me just spell this out so you have some idea. We'll take a random couple of hours from any given day. So say it's 10 AM and Kelly had just eaten a half cup of bran cereal with some soy milk. The food is probably not sitting great and her belly is aching from cramps (because every time she eats, she gets cramps). She sits down for about 15 minutes, because her head is spinning and she needs to let the food settle so that it will stay down. She sips water or apple juice or gatoraide if any other that happens to sound good at the moment. Her food finally settles and her body decides it will keep it about a half hour after the food is consumed. She has about 15 minutes to be a normal human being, so maybe she plays with Bailey or wanders around the house trying to help with some of the chores. About 15 minutes into that, her head starts spinning again. Time to think about food. She spends the next 15 minutes looking at the contents of the cupboard or the fridge trying to figure out what looks good. Meanwhile, spending all that time looking at food makes her naseous. The other option is that I spend 10 minutes in the kitchen calling out options, most of which are met with groans and thinly-veiled disgust. We finally settle on something and I am usually the person who makes whatever she's decided on because by this time, she's already so naseated from the process of figuring it out that she can't stand to be in the kitchen. I bring her her food and she then must spend the next 10-15 minutes psyching her mind and body out to be able to even touch the food in front of her. 10 minutes later, she may have gotten the food in (we're talking about 1/2 cup of food or less) and then the game begins again.
Without a break.
Ever.
Talk about exhausting. For all of us.
I think, at this point, it's safe to say that we'll never have a third child. It's just not going to happen.
So back to this shafted thing. The second way she is shafted is that we have a child. And we don't have a simple, easy going child. Hell no. We have Bailey. Our bundle of loud, excited, challenging energy who needs almost constant interaction and who wants it from both of us. Even when I push Kelly to take a nap, to watch TV, to stay off her feet, she can't do it. And not because I won't let her...but because she feels bad. I'm carrying nearly everything right now and while I absolutely do not mind, the exhaustion is evident on me. I am an absolute failure at hiding my feelings, so when I'm stressed, tired, grumpy or bored with the same old routine, it shows. And she feels bad. But I can't pretend to feel any other way. So poor Kelly gets to try to be a part of the "normal" routine of our household while feeling like absolute shit because I'm not Donna Reed.
When I was pregnant, my easy-going, laid-back, down-to-eart, NON-drama queen wife took it all in stride. On the flip side, this strung-out, stressed out, drama queen wife of hers is not handling it with nearly as much grace as she did.
So anyway.
It may not seem it, but we are actually doing okay. We're both lost inside of the struggle of a difficult early-pregnancy, but we're coping. We know each other so well, and that helps. I can tell when she is needing me and she can tell when I need to be left alone.
Kelly made the comment that having a pregnant partner is lonely in the beginning of her pregnancy. She said "it's so fucking lonely. All you did was sleep. You'll see." Kelly isn't sleeping constantly, but my wife has been taken over by horrible morning sickness and is consumed with self preservation. It IS lonely.
We would have it no other way. This is the path we are following to complete our dream, and we wouldn't change it for a second.
But I think we'll both be happy when this passes and she can feel a bit more like herself. Herself pregnant, to be sure...but herself.
7/11/2008
Moments
Ever have a moment where all frustration, all stress, all anger, all drama just disappears and everything is crystal clear?
I had one of those moments this morning, sitting out on my front porch after Kelly left. I went outside to listen to the birds and take a minute before getting Bailey up. I watched the comings and goings of the court, listened to the birds sing, watched the flowers sway in the breeze and the bees flying around them. I breathed the still-cool air and I realized, with perfect clarity - I am happy.
I had one of those moments this morning, sitting out on my front porch after Kelly left. I went outside to listen to the birds and take a minute before getting Bailey up. I watched the comings and goings of the court, listened to the birds sing, watched the flowers sway in the breeze and the bees flying around them. I breathed the still-cool air and I realized, with perfect clarity - I am happy.
7/10/2008
My Poor Girl
I feel so bad for Kelly!!!!!! The morning sickness seems to ramp up every day. This morning, I came out of the bathroom at around 5 AM, ready to head to work, and found her lying in bed looking like a dump truck had hit her. She told me that she couldn't move - her belly was just waiting for her to stand so that it could throw up. I asked what I could get her - would food help? Toast? Crackers? She asked for cream of wheat and one piece of cinnamon toast. As she was asking for it, I could tell that she felt bad. She caught me checking the clock, trying to gauge my morning and figure out how to make it to work on time. After looking at Kelly again, I decided that I didn't care about work and headed downstairs to make her breakfast.
I brought it up, and then headed back downstairs to stuff the dishes into the dishwasher, prepare Bailey's snacks for daycare, and get her breakfast ready so that all Kelly would have to do is scramble a couple of eggs, get her started eating (she feeds herself mostly) and then head out the door.
Kelly, I know that you are feeling bad these days, about how "needy" (your words...not mine) you are. So hear me when I tell you this - your ONLY job right now is to be pregnant and to drag yourself through your days. Trying to keep yourself fed when food makes you want to puke is exhausting. Playing with Bailey when you have a hurt back is exhausting. Waking up when your entire body is working on something other than you is exhausting. And no matter how stressed I may seem in any given moment, I KNOW how hard it is to grow a baby and I understand where you are. Please, know that I love you and will take care of you through this. You need to let go of your anxiety and lean on me. I can carry the load. I promise you that I won't let you down.
I brought it up, and then headed back downstairs to stuff the dishes into the dishwasher, prepare Bailey's snacks for daycare, and get her breakfast ready so that all Kelly would have to do is scramble a couple of eggs, get her started eating (she feeds herself mostly) and then head out the door.
Kelly, I know that you are feeling bad these days, about how "needy" (your words...not mine) you are. So hear me when I tell you this - your ONLY job right now is to be pregnant and to drag yourself through your days. Trying to keep yourself fed when food makes you want to puke is exhausting. Playing with Bailey when you have a hurt back is exhausting. Waking up when your entire body is working on something other than you is exhausting. And no matter how stressed I may seem in any given moment, I KNOW how hard it is to grow a baby and I understand where you are. Please, know that I love you and will take care of you through this. You need to let go of your anxiety and lean on me. I can carry the load. I promise you that I won't let you down.
7/09/2008
Where To Begin
Wow. So much has happened in the last couple of weeks, I don't even know where to begin.
First - thank you to everyone who has sent congratulations and well wishes. We are extremely happy and excited to be pregnant again. Kelly is doing well - although some pretty severe morning sickness has taken hold. Even with the prescription Zofran that she was given, she is still getting sick every couple of hours. So far it is slightly controllable with food, but even that doesn't help sometimes. My driving makes her sick as hell, so I'll be the passenger for the next nine months. The other thing for her is food aversions are high right now. It's funny - the jokes are always made about women craving food...but so far, it's been all about what she can't eat. She's existing right now on different types of soup, toast, fruit and cheese sticks. Not much else is going down. And at any given time, she can only keep about a half cup of food in her body. She's eating just about every hour to try to prevent sickness, but it doesn't always work. So that is rough...but we're still super happy about the pregnancy.
Second - over the weekend, Kelly went five rounds with a tricycle and lost. Big time. In fact, while attempting to yank a wheel off the tricyle, she slipped a disc in her back. Five hours after it happened (this was on Saturday afternoon) she let me take her to the ER. Slipped discs heal on their own and are really not treatable, except with pain management medication. Because she is pregnant, she cannot take most of the available drugs. They prescribed Tylenol 3 with codine, but that really isn't safe either. And it makes her her extremely queasy. With the morning sickness, the Tylenol really wasn't an option. Her doctor told her it was fine to take low doses of Motrin for pain, but she's been a bit worried and so has resisted except when the pain is unbearable. The injury puts Kelly out of commission for the time being. She is back at work today, but I don't think she should be. She's still in a lot of pain. It goes without saying that she can't pick Bailey up right now - her weight is just too much for Kelly's back.
Third - Bailey has decided to use this week as the week to begin throwing some very serious temper tantrums. Think full-on crazy tantrums. On the floor, screaming her lungs out, throwing whatever she comes into contact with, rolling her body all around, kicking, batting at anyone who comes near her. And she will do this for a long, long time. Over the weekend, on tantrum lasted about 45 minutes. Our response to this wretched behavior is to sit on the floor near her and talk quietly to her - letting her know that when she is ready to pick herself up off the floor and come to us, we will comfort her. We don't pick her up. We don't give her whatever it was that caused the tantrum in the first place. We don't walk away and ignore the behavior. We work through it with her. Finally, last night, we had a break through. It took about 25 minutes, but she picked herself up and came to me, putting her head on my shoulder and calming herself down. Then she was able to eat. 30 minutes later, at 6:30 PM she was sound asleep in bed and we didn't hear her again until she woke up this morning at 6:15 AM.
So...with the combination of full-on "morning" sickness, Kelly's back injury and Bailey's temper tantrums, our home is experiencing a bit of stress right now. This is when not having family around is very, very difficult. We could use some help. We have some friends who have pitched in where they could, but in the end, it's just difficult.
There is no doubt that we will get through this rocky time - but man, we're both exhausted, annoyed with Bailey's behavior and irritated with each other.
LOL - how's that for a happy post?
First - thank you to everyone who has sent congratulations and well wishes. We are extremely happy and excited to be pregnant again. Kelly is doing well - although some pretty severe morning sickness has taken hold. Even with the prescription Zofran that she was given, she is still getting sick every couple of hours. So far it is slightly controllable with food, but even that doesn't help sometimes. My driving makes her sick as hell, so I'll be the passenger for the next nine months. The other thing for her is food aversions are high right now. It's funny - the jokes are always made about women craving food...but so far, it's been all about what she can't eat. She's existing right now on different types of soup, toast, fruit and cheese sticks. Not much else is going down. And at any given time, she can only keep about a half cup of food in her body. She's eating just about every hour to try to prevent sickness, but it doesn't always work. So that is rough...but we're still super happy about the pregnancy.
Second - over the weekend, Kelly went five rounds with a tricycle and lost. Big time. In fact, while attempting to yank a wheel off the tricyle, she slipped a disc in her back. Five hours after it happened (this was on Saturday afternoon) she let me take her to the ER. Slipped discs heal on their own and are really not treatable, except with pain management medication. Because she is pregnant, she cannot take most of the available drugs. They prescribed Tylenol 3 with codine, but that really isn't safe either. And it makes her her extremely queasy. With the morning sickness, the Tylenol really wasn't an option. Her doctor told her it was fine to take low doses of Motrin for pain, but she's been a bit worried and so has resisted except when the pain is unbearable. The injury puts Kelly out of commission for the time being. She is back at work today, but I don't think she should be. She's still in a lot of pain. It goes without saying that she can't pick Bailey up right now - her weight is just too much for Kelly's back.
Third - Bailey has decided to use this week as the week to begin throwing some very serious temper tantrums. Think full-on crazy tantrums. On the floor, screaming her lungs out, throwing whatever she comes into contact with, rolling her body all around, kicking, batting at anyone who comes near her. And she will do this for a long, long time. Over the weekend, on tantrum lasted about 45 minutes. Our response to this wretched behavior is to sit on the floor near her and talk quietly to her - letting her know that when she is ready to pick herself up off the floor and come to us, we will comfort her. We don't pick her up. We don't give her whatever it was that caused the tantrum in the first place. We don't walk away and ignore the behavior. We work through it with her. Finally, last night, we had a break through. It took about 25 minutes, but she picked herself up and came to me, putting her head on my shoulder and calming herself down. Then she was able to eat. 30 minutes later, at 6:30 PM she was sound asleep in bed and we didn't hear her again until she woke up this morning at 6:15 AM.
So...with the combination of full-on "morning" sickness, Kelly's back injury and Bailey's temper tantrums, our home is experiencing a bit of stress right now. This is when not having family around is very, very difficult. We could use some help. We have some friends who have pitched in where they could, but in the end, it's just difficult.
There is no doubt that we will get through this rocky time - but man, we're both exhausted, annoyed with Bailey's behavior and irritated with each other.
LOL - how's that for a happy post?
7/07/2008
Our Littler Honey
We are very, very happy to announce that our second child, lovingly dubbed "littler honey" is officially on his or her way! Bailey's little brother or sister is due February 27, 2009...or said another way, we are 6 and 1/2 weeks pregnant.
Other than a bit of mild morning sickness, Littler Honey is treating his or her Mommy pretty good. (Yes...for those of you who know that I am Momma and Kelly is Mommy, you have probably figured out that Kelly is pregnant this time around)!
We started the journey of our second child in January of this year. I attempted to get pregnant twice, we took a month off and then Kelly attempted to get pregnant. Her first attempt failed, but her second one took and now we have our second child on the way!
I started a new blog to track the process of getting pregnant with our second child. We had thought that we were going to keep the process private for longer than this, but (because I am so excited), Kelly and I agreed to let everyone in on the secret. I have linked the other blog on the sidebar. I will not be posting there anymore, and will continue our story here. But if you want to know the back story, feel free to click on over and read!
Here are the first pictures of Our Littler Honey!
Our Littler Honey at 6 Weeks, 4 Days Old
Our Littler Honey's Healthy Heartbeat!
Other than a bit of mild morning sickness, Littler Honey is treating his or her Mommy pretty good. (Yes...for those of you who know that I am Momma and Kelly is Mommy, you have probably figured out that Kelly is pregnant this time around)!
We started the journey of our second child in January of this year. I attempted to get pregnant twice, we took a month off and then Kelly attempted to get pregnant. Her first attempt failed, but her second one took and now we have our second child on the way!
I started a new blog to track the process of getting pregnant with our second child. We had thought that we were going to keep the process private for longer than this, but (because I am so excited), Kelly and I agreed to let everyone in on the secret. I have linked the other blog on the sidebar. I will not be posting there anymore, and will continue our story here. But if you want to know the back story, feel free to click on over and read!
Here are the first pictures of Our Littler Honey!
Our Littler Honey at 6 Weeks, 4 Days Old
Our Littler Honey's Healthy Heartbeat!
7/02/2008
Homophobia at Daycare
So last night, while we are talking on the phone to one of Bailey's old childcare providers at the daycare (from the room she moved out of just recently), it was mentioned that the way her new teachers tell us apart is by referring to us a "the mom" and "the dad."
*sigh*
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate homophobia? Or that I REALLY hate it when it is based mostly in pure ignorance?
I don't believe that these women mean any harm. To them, Kelly's short hair probably indicates that she is "the man" in our relationship. My make up, big boobs and longer hair probably means I'm "the woman". I honestly believe that they mean no harm in the reference.
BUT.
No harm meant does not excuse homophobia. At all.
So, here is the conversation that I am going to have with the director of the center, the assistant director of the center and the head teacher in Bailey's classroom:
"I realize that you probably do not mean any harm by referring to Kelly as "the dad", but what I need for you to understand is that referring to Kelly as any kind of male figure is degrading and just plain wrong. Bailey has two mothers. I am Momma and Kelly is Mommy. If you can't remember those labels, our names will do just fine. I'm Mikki and she is Kelly. The bigger issue, other than the degrading reference, is that Bailey should never have to feel like her family is being called into question or is being reshaped by your language. Bailey does not have a "dad" and that is perfectly fine. Instead, she has two mothers. Her challenges at placing her family within the narrowly defined hetersexual "norm" in society will be difficult enough, without her childcare providers adding to that challenge. We expect you to be a partner in raising our child, just as you expect us to aid in your efforts with Bailey. If you cannot accept our family dynamic and celebrate it with Bailey than we will pull her from this care facility and find one that can."
How's that? Does that mask my blood-boiling anger enough that they might actually hear me? Because my next step is to take this up the chain of command and create a big fucking stink all through the Childtime Corporation.
*sigh*
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate homophobia? Or that I REALLY hate it when it is based mostly in pure ignorance?
I don't believe that these women mean any harm. To them, Kelly's short hair probably indicates that she is "the man" in our relationship. My make up, big boobs and longer hair probably means I'm "the woman". I honestly believe that they mean no harm in the reference.
BUT.
No harm meant does not excuse homophobia. At all.
So, here is the conversation that I am going to have with the director of the center, the assistant director of the center and the head teacher in Bailey's classroom:
"I realize that you probably do not mean any harm by referring to Kelly as "the dad", but what I need for you to understand is that referring to Kelly as any kind of male figure is degrading and just plain wrong. Bailey has two mothers. I am Momma and Kelly is Mommy. If you can't remember those labels, our names will do just fine. I'm Mikki and she is Kelly. The bigger issue, other than the degrading reference, is that Bailey should never have to feel like her family is being called into question or is being reshaped by your language. Bailey does not have a "dad" and that is perfectly fine. Instead, she has two mothers. Her challenges at placing her family within the narrowly defined hetersexual "norm" in society will be difficult enough, without her childcare providers adding to that challenge. We expect you to be a partner in raising our child, just as you expect us to aid in your efforts with Bailey. If you cannot accept our family dynamic and celebrate it with Bailey than we will pull her from this care facility and find one that can."
How's that? Does that mask my blood-boiling anger enough that they might actually hear me? Because my next step is to take this up the chain of command and create a big fucking stink all through the Childtime Corporation.
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