Negotiation

Seems like my life is a constant series of negotiating potential catastrophes. From the small (avoiding the cat vomit in a mostly dark house at 4 AM) to the huge (dealing with the major gut issues in my relationship that never seem to resolve themselves).

Some other days, it feels like my life is a series of leaps into pockets of joy, and all the rest of the shit of life is just that. Shit that really doesn't affect the pockets of happiness.

Today, I'm sort of in between. There is some stuff going on with me and Kelly - nothing bad, nothing relationship-altering, but stuff. It used to feel so easy all the time to negotiate our relationship. All we really had to consider is ourselves and ourselves in relationship to each other. If we needed more time together, we bought a bottle of wine, rented a movie and had the time. If we needed space, one of us took off for an afternoon. If we wanted to play, we played. If we wanted to have sex, we had it. The common denominator here is that we were able to negotiate our relationship in an instant-gratification kind of way. See a problem (or potential problem), come up with an idea of how to fix or prevent the problem. take action. It was quite simple in retrospect.

It's all different now. Most of the time potential problems are not even spotted, because we are too busy trying to keep our head above water. The occasional time that we spot a problem before it actually becomes a problem is often met with casual indifference. It's not an immediate concern, you see, and there are always a million other things to do. And when the problems actually creep up, when there becomes something that we need to negotiate, we both go into the conversation already exhausted, already fed-up, and even resentful that there is yet another fucking thing we have to deal with. Even the simple things can produce the most frustrating conversations.

I point no fingers. Kelly and I are equal victims and perpetrators of this. Sometimes the issues are heavier for me, sometimes they are heavier for her. The common truth seems to be that we both loath having to deal with any issues at all. And to expect a relationship to be perfect, when it gets next to no maintenance is just foolish.

Like I said at the beginning, Kelly and I are not having problems and our relationship is no at all in peril. But there are moments when you realize that what you've been pushing off until the next day (in this case, basic relationship maintenance) has now become an urgent issue. Giving it attention fixes the problem, but it doesn't prevent the added exhaustion and the frustration that comes from having one more thing to take care of, to do, to pay attention to, to maintain.

In any event, we'll muddle through. What pulls me along during the most difficult moments is knowing that no matter what else is true, I know that 40 years from now, when all this is over, Kelly and I will still be side by side, holding hands, loving each other and wishing that we could do it one more time. I know that to be true and when the moment becomes to much, I close my eyes and picture that in my head...our two white Adirondack chairs, sitting side by side, overlooking the ocean, with a lifetime of love, of negotiation, of friendship, of shared vision, of history wrapped around two old women.