Love In The Extreme

Yesterday, as I was driving home from the parking lot where the bus drops me off, I heard a song. It had been a long, long day with a couple of major problems at work. My coworker is leaving and things are crazy. Honestly, work is going to be tough for the next four months.

But as I was driving home, I heard Edwin McCain's "I'll Be." I have posted the lyrics before, and they have always reminded me of Kelly. Her love for me is immense and being loved by her is like stepping out into the warm sun when you're ice cold. She is my heart, my soul...my love.

But as I was singing along to this lyric:

"You're my survival, you're my living proof, that my love is alive...and not dead"

I found myself picturing not Kelly, but our Bailey. Our little love who has taught me the true meaning of love without end, hope without fear, selflessness without selfishness.

She is everything to us. Our whole world is wrapped up in that little girl who made our family complete. Perhaps someday we will bring another child into this world, but for right now, for today, Bailey is the love of our lives.

For anyone who is interested in a written account of post partum depression that very closely mirrors what I went through, read "Down Came The Rain" by Brooke Shields. Kelly got me the book for my birthday, and I cried my way through it as I remembered the experiences of the first six months of Bailey's life. I've shared a lot, but I could never share it all. She does a great job of describing it.

Of course, the written word can never capture the fear, shame, guilt and anger that plagued me. It is, however, a short read that portrays her experience in a way that can be understood by those who haven't gone through post partum depression.

And what a sharp contrast my feelings are now. I'm not sure if the tears I cried when I was reading were because I was remembering or because I was so thankful that I made it through that alive and have come out the other side. I'm not sure it matters.

First Year Photos

Here are the first year photos we got taken of our Bailey on Saturday. Can you believe that she is almost a year old???

Long and Rambling

I've become a bad blogger again. After keeping up with this at least once a day for a while, I got lost in real life again!

I'm back, but I must say that I will probably not be back every day. A big change is happening at work. I am one of two coordinators in an office of four. There is my boss - our manager - me and CJ (the two coordinators) and then Morrice - our assistant.

Well, CJ is scheduled to be induced to have her baby on May 3rd. She is planning to work Monday - Thursday of this week. After Thursday, I'm on my own. Because of the economic slowdown, the firm is not going to replace her in any capacity (unless of course you count my overtime as replacing CJ). I'm going to spend the next 16 weeks working my ass off.

Not that I mind or begrudge her the time with her daughter (of course), but it will effect my reality.

Anyway - the point of that is to say that I'm gonna be busy...super busy.

We had some unexpected downtime this weekend. Bailey hasn't been feeling well and yesterday she took a 3 hour nap. Seriously. Got up at around 7:15 and then went back to bed for 3 hours at 9:30. For the first hour and a half, Kelly and I worked frantically to get stuff done. I was washing our sheets and scrubbing our bathroom (something that SORELY needed to be done). I try to do that while she is sleeping because I use all kinds of chemicals (I know, I know...but they make me feel cleaner, if I'm not!). As I was madly scrubbing away, she never woke up.

Eventually, Kelly finished her banking stuff and moved on to grilling lunch. I finished the bathroom and then we remade the bed. She grilled while I showered. Still, no Bailey. I went downstairs after my shower (which wasn't short), and did the dishes, cleaned up her toys and got her lunch ready. Kelly grilled 3 packages of soy hot dogs and 16 turkey burgers (we all love them, they are healthy, quick and low fat!). Still, no Bailey.

FINALLY, just as I was finishing prepping lunch, Bailey woke up.

It's funny because there was never really a minute where to stopped to relax. It felt like an unexpected gift to get a bunch of shit done...but not really relaxing. And we missed her the entire time. We kept asking each other - "have you heard her yet?" When she finally woke up, we were so happy!!!

She slept all night, straight through and is just now waking up. Literally, 13 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I can't remember what that feels like!

I'm Grateful

It seems like it's time for another list of what I am grateful for:

1) We can afford our mortgage. In a time when many, many people are having to foreclose, we are still doing alright, even with two car payments and a new baby.

2) Our jobs are economy-proof. Again, this means a lot right now.

3) We can still afford to contribute 10% of our income to retirement.

4) Retirement is still an option for us.

5) Our health insurance, life insurance, vision insurance, dental insurance and all the other perks of working for a major corporation and a government agency are still in tact.

6) We are all healthy.

7) Most of the people that I know are being sheltered from the worst of the financial recession that nobody will call a recession.

8) We can choose to travel if we want too.

9) We can still afford to buy fresh fruit, fresh veggies and organic dairy products.

10) Our families are healthy and happy.

11) We're going to become Aunts again (Congratulations, Jodie and Thomas!!)

12) We have each other - come what may, we have each other.

There are a million other things I'm grateful for, but I see the kind of toll that the economic downturn is having on many people. I watch folks who just can't make the ends meet any more and I am so grateful that we are not in that position. Don't get me wrong - we're not rolling in the dough by any means. But we can afford our choices and that means something. It's something I am proud of (because we've made good choices) and it's something I am grateful for (because even when you make good choices, life is not always that simple).

Ray of Sunshine

Wow...Bailey has just taken a 180 degree turn from the baby she was in her first three months. You remember - the dreaded crying days.

She is now such a little love. She smiles and giggles all the time. She is friendly, excited and happy most of the time. The few times that she isn't are directly related to food or sleep (usually, she needs one or the other). She is incredibly smart. She is funny and inquisitive. She is actually pretty easy going - she doesn't mind running errands all day and she's fine with being at day care. She's good with people. Her development is either on track or beyond.

God, she's just such a perfect child right now. I wouldn't mind freezing time and enjoying this a bit longer. I know she'll change at some point. Next week will bring a whole new version of this child that I love so much. Kelly and I are fine with that...but man, we both just love the little baby that she is now and the little girl that she is becoming.

THIS is the part of parenting that I dreamed about for years.

B's First Birthday Party

That's right. Even though our ticker still hasn't ticked off her first birthday, Bailey's party was this past weekend.

My mom, my best friend and my brother were in town for the festivities and helped me and Kelly throw a rockin' good party.

Good lord. What a bunch of work!!!

BUT, it was exactly what we wanted it to be. There were a few kids, one baby (our favorite little boy, Danny and his two moms) and lots of our neighbors and friends. Bailey was inundated with lots of new toys to play with and Sunday night I made the switch (boxed up too-young toys, moved older toys upstairs for evening play, and set out her new toys downstairs for frequent exploration).

Andrea (my best friend) and I made a wonderful birthday cake that was the highlight of the event. It was a large circle with a star shaped cake on top. We frosted with vanilla and then covered the cake in primary colored fondant stars. I have pictures, of course, and will post them later. I feel like it was the best part of the party...

Bailey did great - she loved the crowds, loved having people around, loved opening presents, loved her first taste of real sugar (she got her own mini star cake) and didn't seem at all upset by the loud singing. I wasn't surprised about that though...she loves the crowds.

By the time the house cleared out, it was too late to put her down for a nap, so we kept her up until 6:30. We brought her upstairs and did her bath and gave her the bottle. She fell asleep in my arms for the first time in many months (she usually puts herself to sleep in her crib after crying for a few minutes). She didn't wake up when I stood up and snuggled close when I hugged her. She slept solid for 13 hours. Poor, tired girl!!!

She was an absolute dream. No tears, no fear...just all smiles and happy baby joy.

All in all, it was very successful. I'm glad it's over for this year, but it was a great first birthday!

Been A While

Phew...so much has happened since I last wrote and I haven't had any time to sit and post.

Briefly (because there are a million things to do today), I'll try to fill you in.

1) I'm on vacation. Last week M-Thur. was complete hell. Work was exhausting and wretchedly busy with my boss and my coworker out two days with a nasty stomach flu and me preparing to be on vacation. Ugg. Makes me shiver just to think about how rough it was.

2) On Thursday night, some of my oldest and dearest friends flew in from Maine with their daughter. We spent Friday playing tourist on the National Mall - did the entire loop and then spent some time at the Natural History Museum. Saturday found us in Baltimore enjoying the Inner Harbor and the Maryland Science Museum and then the Melting Pot for dinner. Sunday was spent at the Zoo. Monday was Spy Museum day. All the time in between was a ton of laughs, many bottles of wine, lots of fantastic conversation and very little sleep. We had a fantastic time. And I think they did too. I think they left exhausted...but with lots of good experiences. I can't wait to see you guys again!!!! I love you!

3) Today, I'm alone. Tonight, I pick up my Mom and Andrea from the airport. I need to spend the rest of the day cleaning up the house, getting the guest room cleaned and the bed remade. I need to clean the bathrooms. I need to finish the laundry. Lots of "need to".

4) Kelly and I are finally getting prepared for Bailey's birthday party. It will be on Saturday and it's gonna be so much fun! We are having it a bit early so that my Mom and Andrea can be present. We have picked a theme and one night this week we're going out to get all the stuff that we need. I have a vision and it's going to be SOOOO awesome!! Because many of the folks who read this are coming, I can't share too much...

Okay. Well. That doesn't seem like a lot. But I'm exhausted!!!! I can't wait for Mom and Andrea to be here. They will happily occupy our little girl's time and give me some time off my feet, off baby duty and just time to relax. I can't wait...seriously.

Pictures and more news to come!

It All Winds Together

I know that my last post was probably hard for some people to read. It's never easy to talk about sexual assault or any kind of abuse. It's even harder, I think, when the person describing it is willing to put it all out there in a cold, unpadded way.

I shared the story for many of the same reasons that I blog. One - because I think it's nice to have a written record of life. I've kept a journal for years and while this started as a pregnancy blog, it's evolved into many of the stories that define who I am and what my life is.

Second - I think that it is important to talk about this stuff. Many people don't. It sits inside and it eats them up. Or they just don't think it's appropriate to share. But I have always believed, and will continue to believe, that shedding light on any matter makes the matter more clear. I have to talk, to think through, to feel my ways along the twisted paths of emotion. I always, eventually, find the truth. Perhaps not the truth that would work for everyone, but the truth for me, in my life, as a woman.

The story of my father defined many parts of my life and while it makes me angry, I have to accept that it will continue to effect me. I hope that it will not continue to define who I am, but rather will aid in shaping my future. The act will only lose it's power if I talk it through and allow the emotions to have their place.

I'm not afraid of anger. I'm not afraid of sadness or depression. No more than I am afraid of being happy and at peace. I recognize, though years of self exploration, that all emotions have their place and the only emotion that I fear is numbness. I have been numb before. I've have experienced pain so great that I wanted to die. That is what I fear.

Each new event in my life, each new sunrise, each new breath that I take changes me and shifts the subtle patterns of my life. Some things, like the rape I experienced as a child, never shifts comfortably. It will always hurt when it finds a new place in my experience. Other things wrap themselves around me in a way that comforts, protects and brings peace. My love for Kelly is that way. My love for our daughter is that way.

The only thing that I know for certain is that my life will continue to evolve. I'll never be "at peace" in the way that some people are. I allow emotion in and I CHOOSE to feel it to the fullest. I accept that my life will be a series of highs and lows because of that choice. I recognize that some people may find me exhausting or "too much". I will forever be labeled a drama queen because most people cannot find the words to describe me in any other way. And I'll keep talking. I'll keep experiencing my world in a way that is extreme to some.

For me, it is not extreme. It is proof that I am alive. That my father didn't destroy my ability to feel and love and hurt and grow. That my experiences, however traumatic, are NOT the sum total of who I am. Every day that I am able to experience emotion, I am reminded that I am human, that my heart is still functioning and that my soul is able to keep on moving forward.

This is my truth as I know it.

A Bit Of History

This post may disturb some people, so please, read with caution.

When I was 7 years old, my father raped me on Father's Day night. We had spent the day with him at my Mami and Grampa's house (his mother and father). He left us with them while he went to a party in the evening. When he came home, drunk and all fucked up on cocaine, he did shit to me that no father should ever do to their daughter. The next night, after being safely returned home to my mother, I told her what happened. After contacting all the right authorities, I spent a good long time talking to the DA, testifying before a Grand Jury and then eventually being prepped to testify against my father in court. The night before the trial, he plead guilty and was given a year of prison time and was told that he could have no contact with any children (including us) for three years. He served 4 months and was let out. I never heard from him again, although I have seen him a couple of times since then. I was seven years old.

My mom got me in very good therapy, and through the years, I've been back a number of times. I can't remember if it was one of those therapists or if it was my mother...but someone told me once that I would deal with the sexual assult over and over again...because each new phase of my life would bring it back in a different way.

I am fat because of what happened to me when I was kid. While my father was fucking me, he was calling me his sweet "little" girl. To this day, when I lose weight, I feel powerless and weak. I have tried and tried and tried - and will continue to try - to work through this and find the key that will empower me to overcome this.

Through my teenage years, I had sex with everyone who would have sex with me. I couldn't seperate true affection from sexual gratification. I never really even knew what sexual gratification was. I thought that sex was supposed to feel bad. I thought crying after sex was just what people did. Worse, I had no understanding of what my body was worth or why it shouldn't just be somebody else's fuck toy.

It wasn't until I met Kelly that I learned what it feels like to be touched by someone who loves me. And being loved by this incredible woman, both physically and emotionally, has healed many scars. Kelly is at the root of much of what has healed since that time.

But now I have a child. More to the point, I have a daughter. And for the first time I am experiencing the one emotion that has alluded me until now.

Anger.

And not just any anger. But ferocious, burning hot fury that bubbles up from inside of me and makes me want to kill the man that is half of my DNA.

If I could be detached and clinical I would. I am grateful now that I will never see him, because I am not sure that I could contain this anger.

I look at my daughter - at her beautiful body and her innocence. I watch her at night as I bath her, as I put lotion on her. I touch her skin and I smell her hair and I am as intimate with her as I have ever been with another human being.

I think about the blind faith that she has in me and in Kelly. The complete trust that goes beyond the word.

And then I remember that when I was begging to be the one that got to share Daddy's bed, that is the kind of trust that I had. When he first wanted to "snuggle" I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. When he suggested that I was hot and that I should take off my clothes, I never once thought that I should be afraid. And in the few minutes that it took for him to commit the most violent act you can commit against a child, my whole fucking world was shattered.

I grew up in a second. I lost what innocence I had left. I learned many, many lessons that night - and I will spend the rest of my life combatting the effects of what my father did to me.

I spent years worried about having a child. I would tell my therapists that I was afraid that I would be a perpatrator. What if I did what my father did to me? I carried that fear about with me until the day that my daughter was born from my body. Holding her, in that crazy, drugged-out state that I was in, my first thought was "I could never hurt you." In a second, years of worry were erased and I knew that I would fucking kill anyone that ever did what was done to me.

I wonder how long this will last. Will it fade? I used to think that I had forgiven my father. That the miserable, drug-eroded life that he lives was punishment enough for what he did to me. And then, I look at my daughter and I see myself. And I fucking hate him. I hate him more than I have ever hated another human being.

New Videos and Photos

Playtime with Mommy



Bath Time Fun



Peekaboo Baby



Mommy & Bailey at the Kite Festival

At the Kite Festival




Sunburned Baby


Brushing Her Teeth


Brushing Momma's Teeth


Momma & Bailey


COOKIE!!!


Love the Giraffe!


She Got My Curls


Walking


Helping Mommy


WAHOO! TAPE!

Finally!

Finally, our baby girl is getting some more teeth. Her top two teeth are pushing through. We can only assume that explains her unusual fussiness and inability to sleep comfortably. Poor baby. She's also snotty and coughing a lot right now...so maybe another cold.

10:30 last night found us waiting for the Tylenol to kick in so that we could all get some much needed sleep.

Here's to more teeth!

Orange is Her Color

Orange is emerging as Bailey's favorite color. Here are the clues:

1) Her first orange onsie the she ever owned was met with extreme excitment when she first saw it. Ooohhh and ahhhh and lots of clapping.

2) She always picks orange when presented with many colors. It is the one that she points to.

3) She says orange...or at least, the baby version of it. It's at least recognizable as an "orange" attempt.

Yellow is a strong second. She could care less about the other colors.

New Kids On The Block

My whole freakin' month has been made by the simple little statement that the New Kids on the Block are reuniting!!!!!

HOLY SHIT! Do you know how happy this makes me???

I am a total junkie. I will go to their concert, even it if sucks. I am going to get the CD's and start listening again. I lived in a room with wallpapered walls - all New Kids for year.

I'm so happy. Happy, happy, happy, happy!!!!

BRING ON MY BOYS!!!!