It All Winds Together

I know that my last post was probably hard for some people to read. It's never easy to talk about sexual assault or any kind of abuse. It's even harder, I think, when the person describing it is willing to put it all out there in a cold, unpadded way.

I shared the story for many of the same reasons that I blog. One - because I think it's nice to have a written record of life. I've kept a journal for years and while this started as a pregnancy blog, it's evolved into many of the stories that define who I am and what my life is.

Second - I think that it is important to talk about this stuff. Many people don't. It sits inside and it eats them up. Or they just don't think it's appropriate to share. But I have always believed, and will continue to believe, that shedding light on any matter makes the matter more clear. I have to talk, to think through, to feel my ways along the twisted paths of emotion. I always, eventually, find the truth. Perhaps not the truth that would work for everyone, but the truth for me, in my life, as a woman.

The story of my father defined many parts of my life and while it makes me angry, I have to accept that it will continue to effect me. I hope that it will not continue to define who I am, but rather will aid in shaping my future. The act will only lose it's power if I talk it through and allow the emotions to have their place.

I'm not afraid of anger. I'm not afraid of sadness or depression. No more than I am afraid of being happy and at peace. I recognize, though years of self exploration, that all emotions have their place and the only emotion that I fear is numbness. I have been numb before. I've have experienced pain so great that I wanted to die. That is what I fear.

Each new event in my life, each new sunrise, each new breath that I take changes me and shifts the subtle patterns of my life. Some things, like the rape I experienced as a child, never shifts comfortably. It will always hurt when it finds a new place in my experience. Other things wrap themselves around me in a way that comforts, protects and brings peace. My love for Kelly is that way. My love for our daughter is that way.

The only thing that I know for certain is that my life will continue to evolve. I'll never be "at peace" in the way that some people are. I allow emotion in and I CHOOSE to feel it to the fullest. I accept that my life will be a series of highs and lows because of that choice. I recognize that some people may find me exhausting or "too much". I will forever be labeled a drama queen because most people cannot find the words to describe me in any other way. And I'll keep talking. I'll keep experiencing my world in a way that is extreme to some.

For me, it is not extreme. It is proof that I am alive. That my father didn't destroy my ability to feel and love and hurt and grow. That my experiences, however traumatic, are NOT the sum total of who I am. Every day that I am able to experience emotion, I am reminded that I am human, that my heart is still functioning and that my soul is able to keep on moving forward.

This is my truth as I know it.