Nightime Conversation

Last night, while we were laying in bed getting ready to fall asleep, I was telling Kelly a couple of the physical ailments that I've been feeling. During the day yesterday, I told her about a dream that I had directly related to childbirth and breastfeeding. She told me that is the kind of stuff that I should be telling all of you! So here goes:

In the last couple of weeks, I've been having some serious pain in the lower region of my body. Pretty much, from below my belly button down to my knees. My hips have hurt the most. I was reading that this pain is probably from early preparation of my body for childbirth and that my syatic (spelling?) nerve is probably being pinched. When I sit for long periods of time, I have to limp for a bit when I start walking again. And of course, I'm having those uterus stretching pains. They have actually been fairly infrequent, but when they do come, it's shocking. One thing that I realized is that I'm just plain not used to pain in that part of my body. I don't regularly get cramps during my monthly cycle and I've never had any problems that would create large amounts of pain. It's interesting (and a little alarming) when they come.

The dream that I had was actually quite funny, I think. Kelly and I were in the labor room and I had just given birth. The doctors put the baby up on my body and were cleaning him (yes, in my dream it was a boy). After they had swadled the baby, they handed him back to me. I was going to breastfeed immediately (which is recommended, or so I've read). So, I went to pull my gown aside and prepare my breast, but I discovered that my boob was so big that I had to use two hands to pull it out of my shirt. I told Kelly to hold the baby and get him ready, and then I began to haul this mammoth thing (that was apparently my breat) from my gown. Once I had gotten it out, it started spewing forth liquid like a fountain. I was yelling for Kelly to get the baby ready and on the count of three to "smoosh his face into my nipple". Kelly was, understandably, struggling with the concept. And I was just trying to hold up this spewing boob.

It was not a pretty dream. And probably indicates that somewhere in my subconcious I'm worried about breastfeeding and my ability to do it well. And, I would suspect, that there is some truth to the whole humungous boob thing. I mean, honestly, my breast disgust me these days. Kelly assures me that they are not as big as they feel to me, but because I'm carrying around these swollen, tender things that just feel absolutely enormous, I have a hard time keeping it in perspective. I can only imagine how I'll feel once they are full of milk. Goodness.

Another interesting perspective that Kelly and I were talking about yesterday is the way the baby is percieved differently by both of us right now. We were having a conversation about protecting my body, and when she talked about it, she talked about "protecting the baby and protecting yourself." When I talked about it, I talked about "protecting myself". Did you catch the difference there? For Kelly, the child growing inside of my uterus is a seperate entity. I am her honey, her lover, her partner, her wife. And I am housing her child. There is a degree of seperation. For me, that hasn't happened yet. I know at some point, I will begin to see the child as a seperate being from me, but since I've gotten pregnant, the baby growing inside of me is still an extention of my body. It's hard for me to seperate myself from my growing child.

Protecting myself is, essentially, protecting my child because there can be no seperation right now. Without me, this child cannot live. Perhaps, when I start to feel movement seperate from my body and I begin to prepare more deeply for the emotional seperation of birth, I'll start to feel differently. Sometimes, though, I wonder. When my brother died, you could see all over my mother that it felt like she was dying too. I wonder if that ownership over and protectionist bond ever goes away. I mean, letting a child grow and become their own person is one thing - but as parents, do we ever stop feeling like our children are not a part of the physical makeup of our bodies?

Already, I cannot imagine a world without this child growing inside of me. Never again will my life exist without me being a Momma. That seems to me to be a forever linking chain to my child that, while not physical forever, will always feel that way.

One more thing - never in my life have I ever felt more like a woman than I do inside of my pregant body. There is something so remarkable and beautiful about being able to house and protect a new life. I love that my body can do this. I feel sexy in a way that I've never felt before. Not really sexy in a sexual way - but sexy in a way that clearly states that I'm a woman. I'm not sure if this is something other women feel, but it's been a nice feeling for me to have.