Kelly was quick to point out that my last posy was wrong...LOL! Connor was only a couple of days away from being 9 months old when his tooth was cut...not 8 1/2 months. AND, we had not moved the crib to the lowest setting...it was moved to the middle setting.
But, since that post, it has gone down to the lowest. And Connor has gone from a tentative crawler to a full blown crawler! On Saturday, he just took off. He's a boy on the move!
His 9 month check up was yesterday. He weighed 21 pounds, 11 ounces. For the life of me, I can't remember his length, but I know he was very close to the 75th percentile. He's a big boy! He was also given the first of two H1N1 shots and a hep B vaccine. Then we had to get his blood drawn. He was cleared for surgery next week.
So, I think the time has come to let you all in on the newest plans. On December 31st, I am submitting my notice and staying home with our kids. I have always said that I never wanted to do this, but once again, fate called my bluff. Turns out that forgiving myself allowed me to see beyond my fear and my own perception of myself as an unfit parent. I want to be with my kids. My life revolves around my family. I am so tired of allowing the insanity of my job come before them. We worked it out financially, and on January 15, I start a new job. Probably the hardest one I've ever had! But I can't wait.
Kelly, with her characteristic risk management, has been hesitant. She agrees with all the "why's" but she worries about me. Which makes her a good wife. She's on board and together we will make this work.
I am excited, and feel like I have found the right solution for right now. No promises for the future - I'm not making plans. For now, I'm going to do this...later? Who knows...and frankly, who cares?
11/24/2009
11/19/2009
He Has a Tooth!
He's leaping through life again, friends...
Connor finally, finally, finally has his first tooth at just about 8 1/2 months.
And he's standing for periods of time on his own. Not long, of course, but getting there. We had to move the crib down to the lowest setting so that he would not fall out when he stands up in it.
God, it's going fast.
Connor finally, finally, finally has his first tooth at just about 8 1/2 months.
And he's standing for periods of time on his own. Not long, of course, but getting there. We had to move the crib down to the lowest setting so that he would not fall out when he stands up in it.
God, it's going fast.
11/16/2009
Grown Up Overnight
It seems that our children grow up in lurches and leaps instead of the slow pace we might wish for.
Over the course of last night Connor crawled for the first time and pulled himself up to standing in his crib for the first time!
The crawling ended a long-running bet between Kelly and I. I arbitrarily picked November 17 out of the air and said he wouldn't crawl until after that date. Little man beat my date by two days!!!
As for the crib standing - it ushers us into what is fast becoming a sleep problem. Connor doesn't like to be left. Ever. The second you lay him down, he screams. Now, he has the ability to stand up and look for us.
His days in our room are numbered...but Kelly is in charge of this decision, so I am backing off and letting her decide. After all, when he is up in the night, it is her (and her breasts) he want. I firmly believe that the partner handling the load gets the lion's share of the decision...
More later!
Over the course of last night Connor crawled for the first time and pulled himself up to standing in his crib for the first time!
The crawling ended a long-running bet between Kelly and I. I arbitrarily picked November 17 out of the air and said he wouldn't crawl until after that date. Little man beat my date by two days!!!
As for the crib standing - it ushers us into what is fast becoming a sleep problem. Connor doesn't like to be left. Ever. The second you lay him down, he screams. Now, he has the ability to stand up and look for us.
His days in our room are numbered...but Kelly is in charge of this decision, so I am backing off and letting her decide. After all, when he is up in the night, it is her (and her breasts) he want. I firmly believe that the partner handling the load gets the lion's share of the decision...
More later!
11/09/2009
Dear Momma, I Forgive You. Love, Momma.
After more than two and a half years, I have finally forgiven myself. For succumbing to an illness I had no control over. For wanting to leave the woman who was strong enough to love me through the hell I dragged her through. For imagining my child dead to get me through the moments I thought I couldn't bear. For planning my own death over and over again. For believing I was worthless and better dead than alive. For believing that I would never love my children the way I wanted to. For hating her for taking away the life I had before her. For hating my wife. For hating myself, the very air I breathed. For hating every movement and for completely trashing on the very essence of me.
I forgive you. Mikki - do you hear me? I forgive you.
It's real. For those of you who are not yet parents or who got through it without post partum depression, it's very, very real. It happens without reason or warning. It happens even if you spent years planning for that magical moment you become a mother. It happens when you have a loving, supportive partner. It happens when you have family who loves you. It happens when you are watching for it. It comes from no where and it is so foreign to anything you ever thought you would feel that you have no name for it. And nobody is talking about it. The real, hard shit is glossed over in a series of "yeah, but it's worth it right?" and you lose your fucking mind. What do you say when everyone is telling you what your feeling is normal and when you are too ashamed to reveal what you are really thinking? How do you own that? In between exhaustion, poop, feeding, exhaustion, fear, a complete lack of privacy and the constant, pounding screaming? What do you do when you can't even trust your thoughts to your beloved because you can't bear to see your perceived failing reflected back? Where do you turn?
I don't know why or how I survived. I don't know what stopped me from acting on my plans. Kelly loaded our gun at my urging. I told her I was afraid of not being able to protect our child. I asked her to load our gun. I lied to her. I planned my death, down to the timing. So that Bailey would only be alone for a few minutes before Kelly got home from work. I sat for hours every day staring at that gun. I dreamed about the freedom. I imagined pure darkness where I couldn't feel anything. Where my brain would stop pounding me from all sides.
I didn't do it because every time I brought Bailey upstairs at the end of the day, to put her in her crib and pull that trigger, I imagined Kelly walking in. My plan was based on knowing that Kelly could carry on without me. But I could never get past the thought that I didn't think she could survive finding me like that.
Just about a month ago, I shared this with her. That was my last real part of healing. That bright white light has been cast upon that part of my experience. And I forgive myself.
And now, I have shared it with you. Please, if you take anything from this blog, take this message: care for the women and the partners of those women in your life who have children. Really care for them. Go to their homes and do the dirty work. Do the dishes. Do the laundry. Cook. But mostly, be there to see what those people can't tell you. Exhaustion and shame are powerful covers and you can't ask for help when you are so desperate. Kelly couldn't see what was happening with me through her own process of becoming a mother. This single-family mentality has never been more dangerous for women than in the process of birth. Please, reach out to those you love. Make it a priority. Do the dirty work. And watch. You can see what new, exhausted parents cannot.
I forgive you. Mikki - do you hear me? I forgive you.
It's real. For those of you who are not yet parents or who got through it without post partum depression, it's very, very real. It happens without reason or warning. It happens even if you spent years planning for that magical moment you become a mother. It happens when you have a loving, supportive partner. It happens when you have family who loves you. It happens when you are watching for it. It comes from no where and it is so foreign to anything you ever thought you would feel that you have no name for it. And nobody is talking about it. The real, hard shit is glossed over in a series of "yeah, but it's worth it right?" and you lose your fucking mind. What do you say when everyone is telling you what your feeling is normal and when you are too ashamed to reveal what you are really thinking? How do you own that? In between exhaustion, poop, feeding, exhaustion, fear, a complete lack of privacy and the constant, pounding screaming? What do you do when you can't even trust your thoughts to your beloved because you can't bear to see your perceived failing reflected back? Where do you turn?
I don't know why or how I survived. I don't know what stopped me from acting on my plans. Kelly loaded our gun at my urging. I told her I was afraid of not being able to protect our child. I asked her to load our gun. I lied to her. I planned my death, down to the timing. So that Bailey would only be alone for a few minutes before Kelly got home from work. I sat for hours every day staring at that gun. I dreamed about the freedom. I imagined pure darkness where I couldn't feel anything. Where my brain would stop pounding me from all sides.
I didn't do it because every time I brought Bailey upstairs at the end of the day, to put her in her crib and pull that trigger, I imagined Kelly walking in. My plan was based on knowing that Kelly could carry on without me. But I could never get past the thought that I didn't think she could survive finding me like that.
Just about a month ago, I shared this with her. That was my last real part of healing. That bright white light has been cast upon that part of my experience. And I forgive myself.
And now, I have shared it with you. Please, if you take anything from this blog, take this message: care for the women and the partners of those women in your life who have children. Really care for them. Go to their homes and do the dirty work. Do the dishes. Do the laundry. Cook. But mostly, be there to see what those people can't tell you. Exhaustion and shame are powerful covers and you can't ask for help when you are so desperate. Kelly couldn't see what was happening with me through her own process of becoming a mother. This single-family mentality has never been more dangerous for women than in the process of birth. Please, reach out to those you love. Make it a priority. Do the dirty work. And watch. You can see what new, exhausted parents cannot.
11/07/2009
Over This
Connor is sick again - and all indications point to him also having another ear infection. He's tugging on his right ear almost constantly. On top of that, he spent yesterday vomiting after every feeding. I'm talking big, huge, mouth-gushing, out-the-nose vomiting that left him panting and clinging and wimpering. He's also got loose poop. He's not running a fever.
On the other hand, he ate well last night and the fell asleep and slept through the night. He was asleep by 7 PM and didn't wake up to eat again until this morning at 5 AM. He ate a little bit and seemed to be struggling with it. He snuggled with Kelly and then I rocked him for a while. He fell asleep and is upstairs now sleeping. Kelly and I are preparing to get him into our pediatrician for a sick-day appointment.
(an hour passes)
Okay - well, as I was writing that, Connor woke up. He seemed like he was doing much better. Mommy, Connor and I all snuggled in bed for a while. Connor ate more and then vomited it all up. But he seems to be in good spirits. We'll call the nurse and see what she thinks. We still think he's nursing along another ear infection, but at this point, I'm not sure he could take another round of antibiotics on his sensitive stomach.
These are the parts of parenting that suck completely.
On the other hand, he ate well last night and the fell asleep and slept through the night. He was asleep by 7 PM and didn't wake up to eat again until this morning at 5 AM. He ate a little bit and seemed to be struggling with it. He snuggled with Kelly and then I rocked him for a while. He fell asleep and is upstairs now sleeping. Kelly and I are preparing to get him into our pediatrician for a sick-day appointment.
(an hour passes)
Okay - well, as I was writing that, Connor woke up. He seemed like he was doing much better. Mommy, Connor and I all snuggled in bed for a while. Connor ate more and then vomited it all up. But he seems to be in good spirits. We'll call the nurse and see what she thinks. We still think he's nursing along another ear infection, but at this point, I'm not sure he could take another round of antibiotics on his sensitive stomach.
These are the parts of parenting that suck completely.
11/06/2009
Oh...and...
Bailey picked out the super-pink, ultra girly, ridiculously gross pink jacket. Kelly honored her wishes and that's what she ended up with. I'll gag every time I see it.
But Bailey is happy.
But Bailey is happy.
Our Marriage...
...is defined by the 12 years of history and stories we share.
...is defined by the moments we walk into a room and the other's heart stops beating for just a second.
...is defined by the two children we call ours and by the journey of love we took together to bring them into this world.
...is defined by a night spent in the hot tub, sharing wine and promises that endure today.
...is defined by the forgiveness we afford each other for the petty mistakes and the routine annoyance.
...is defined by the comfort of our entwined hands each night as we fall asleep.
...is defined by the shared vision of our future.
...is defined by the most basic truth that there is nobody else who could love us like we love each other.
...is defined by every moment when we choose to stay instead of run.
...is defined by a committement so deep that we would literally move heaven and earth to honor it.
...it is NOT defined by gender.
...is defined by the moments we walk into a room and the other's heart stops beating for just a second.
...is defined by the two children we call ours and by the journey of love we took together to bring them into this world.
...is defined by a night spent in the hot tub, sharing wine and promises that endure today.
...is defined by the forgiveness we afford each other for the petty mistakes and the routine annoyance.
...is defined by the comfort of our entwined hands each night as we fall asleep.
...is defined by the shared vision of our future.
...is defined by the most basic truth that there is nobody else who could love us like we love each other.
...is defined by every moment when we choose to stay instead of run.
...is defined by a committement so deep that we would literally move heaven and earth to honor it.
...it is NOT defined by gender.
11/05/2009
Fall Blows In
Overnight it seems to have gotten cold in Maryland. Fall is like that here - first, you think it's not going to come and then one day you wake up and the trees are in full color (whatever that means here) and then the next day, it's cold and the leaves are on the ground. The season is wierd. Winter never really comes. It's like this long, dark, cold spell occassionally broken up by an icy "snow" that usually amounts to 3 inches or so. And everyone panics. And annoys the shit out of me.
This year was a bit different. The leaves actually turned colors instead of brown. We have had so much rain that they were able to turn slowly. It was beautiful, but made me ache for Maine and the beauty that is Fall in New England. I don't often miss my home state with such intensity, but this Fall has been hard.
And now it's cold. Kelly, who is home sick today with Bailey...who isn't actually sick, is going to Target to buy her winter jacket. The layered kind. The really warm kind. With a matching hat that fits and some mittens or gloves. She plays outside a lot at school and we need to know she is warm. We're going with purple again this year - it's our pink compromise. She likes girly. We can't do the pepto pink. Purple is often the compromise.
I am dancing around the big pink elephant in the room and that is why I can't say much. You all know by now that when something is going on, the only way to keep it quiet is to not talk at all. I can't, and won't, pretend. But we are not yet ready to release the news about our upcoming plans. We are still planning and things are not completely set yet. But big changes are coming and those changes are all I can think about. So, for now, forgive the surface posts. We should be ready to share the news in a couple of weeks.
This year was a bit different. The leaves actually turned colors instead of brown. We have had so much rain that they were able to turn slowly. It was beautiful, but made me ache for Maine and the beauty that is Fall in New England. I don't often miss my home state with such intensity, but this Fall has been hard.
And now it's cold. Kelly, who is home sick today with Bailey...who isn't actually sick, is going to Target to buy her winter jacket. The layered kind. The really warm kind. With a matching hat that fits and some mittens or gloves. She plays outside a lot at school and we need to know she is warm. We're going with purple again this year - it's our pink compromise. She likes girly. We can't do the pepto pink. Purple is often the compromise.
I am dancing around the big pink elephant in the room and that is why I can't say much. You all know by now that when something is going on, the only way to keep it quiet is to not talk at all. I can't, and won't, pretend. But we are not yet ready to release the news about our upcoming plans. We are still planning and things are not completely set yet. But big changes are coming and those changes are all I can think about. So, for now, forgive the surface posts. We should be ready to share the news in a couple of weeks.
11/01/2009
He Speaks!!!
Yes, that's right! Our Connor has officially said his first word. He has been making "ma ma ma" sounds for a while, but over the last few days he has started saying "Mumma". He says it in our direction (no differentiation between us). He does not say it during his regular babbling. He very deliberate about it. So...his first word is "Mumma" and it has happened at just over 8 months!! Pretty cool!
He's also creeping. Mind you, he's still not crawling. But he can pull himself up and he is starting to pull himself along the ottamon. He's not doing it regularly - and he can't always pull himself up. He's still in the beginning stages, but it's happening. Bailey was fully walking when she was 10 months old. He's on track for that or sooner.
Connor is also sick. We are on day 4 of this illness. We're not sure what is going on with him, but he keeps getting fevers. He's been out of school for two days and will be home again tomorrow. He'll go back to the doctors. I hope they can figure out what is going on. We are in that stage were he is getting sick constantly. His near-continuous ear infections are not helping. His surgery for tubes and atnoid removal is scheduled for December 2. Hopefully that fixes the ear problems.
Bailey is doing great! We are in such a hot/cold stage with her. She is either an angel or she's a devil. We are working through each moment and things are starting to improve. She is really growing up so quickly...
Kelly and I are doing well. We are in deep discussions...but more on that another day.
He's also creeping. Mind you, he's still not crawling. But he can pull himself up and he is starting to pull himself along the ottamon. He's not doing it regularly - and he can't always pull himself up. He's still in the beginning stages, but it's happening. Bailey was fully walking when she was 10 months old. He's on track for that or sooner.
Connor is also sick. We are on day 4 of this illness. We're not sure what is going on with him, but he keeps getting fevers. He's been out of school for two days and will be home again tomorrow. He'll go back to the doctors. I hope they can figure out what is going on. We are in that stage were he is getting sick constantly. His near-continuous ear infections are not helping. His surgery for tubes and atnoid removal is scheduled for December 2. Hopefully that fixes the ear problems.
Bailey is doing great! We are in such a hot/cold stage with her. She is either an angel or she's a devil. We are working through each moment and things are starting to improve. She is really growing up so quickly...
Kelly and I are doing well. We are in deep discussions...but more on that another day.
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