That's the question I got from Bailey a few days ago. Like a knife stabbing into my heart, I looked down at the child I adore and then past her to my equally adored son and I realized one thing.
My life isn't working.
I can't do this constantly. I am running ragged trying to balance a demanding job, the pressures of parenting, a ridiculous commute, and a relationship that has so neglected and abused that it is a mere shadow of what it once was. In short, the reality that I am not Super Woman has never been more painfully clear.
Ironically, the decision to make some very real changes has never been so easy.
I am looking for a new job. The only qualities that it must have is a short commute and the ability for us to continue paying the bills. I am purposefully looking for low-level administrative work in the hopes that the meanial tasks will free up some room in my strung out brain. I don't have a set salary in mind, but I am expecting to take a substantial pay cut.
In the end, we will make it work. What doesn't work is what I am doing now. I need to be able to be a parent, with the ability to block some of my stress from my children. Right now, I am so overwhelmed that I am barely able to meet their basic needs. This just is not ever going to be okay with me. Ever. Our children should not have to pay for the life we have chosen, and I will move heaven and earth to make sure that my daughter never wonders if I am going to be happy again.
In happier news, our Connor is working hard at crawling. He rocks on all fours and can pull himself mostly up if given the right platform to grip. We have a standing bet going...Kelly says he will crawl before November 17 and I say after. She's probably going to win this one.
Also, our Connor blows kisses. They are the sweetest kisses I get!
10/21/2009
10/07/2009
Bailey (AKA - The First-Born Experiment)
This morning, when I discovered I could blog from my blackberry on the bus, I was so excited!!! I actually have TIME on the bus, and there is no other time in my days that I can say that. I will save the availabilty of time discussion for the top 20 list for me and Kelly, though. This is about Bailey.
1) Bailey is one month away from being 2 1/2 years old. She is every bit a two year old, down to the classic meltdowns and the moments where we look at her and wonder where she came from.
2) She knows what she wants, what she doesn't want, how she wants things to happen and how to complain (loudly) if things don't happen the way she is anticipating.
3) Her language skills are off the charts. Of all the things Bailey is good at, it is her language that blows people out of the water. She talks like she is 4, with correct grammer. She pronounces everything correctly and she speaks in full, complete thoughts. She has mastered tenses. Honestly, there is nothing that she needs that she cannot articulate.
4) She is smart. I don't mean this in a bragging parent way. My assessment is based on true, constructive feedback from her care providers and those who interact with her. She "gets" things that a two year old should not get. Like, she gets the concept of time, for example. She knows all of the categories of things that you teach kids her age. Wierd things too, like knowing the difference between a square, a rectangle and a diamond. She's smart.
5) She has stopped potty training. She knows how to do it. She knows when she needs to go. But she doesn't want to do it right now. She still uses the potty at school, in the group setting. But not at home. We're sticking with our relaxed policy. We're letting her lead us on this one.
6) She's a good eater. She still loves fruit. She eats most veggies, although not in the same quantity. She isn't picky and she eats a lot at a time.
7) She is starting to get emotions. For instance, when I am upset with her, she gets worried. She asks me if I am happy. I am having to be very, very careful with my reactions and keep them focused. No more blowing off steam in front of her. Because while she gets the emotion, she does NOT get the nuance. She takes it on and worries that she is to blame. That is NOT something that is okay.
8) She says "fuck". My fault. Completly. I've told her that is an adult word and she cannot use it until she is a grown up. I knew it would happen sooner or later. And, yes, it still makes me laugh.
9) She is a good sleeper. She is comfy in her room, goes to bed easily and sleeps through the night fully. Phew!
10) She is in 4T clothes, size 9 shoes and is big for her age. She's just as beautiful as ever.
11) She has cut her top two year old molers, but the bottom two are not in yet.
12) She is a great dancer and singer and does both frequently.
13) Is an AWESOME big sister. Seriously awesome. She adores her "Connor Buddy" and he adores her.
14) She is as intense as ever, but the increased independance makes that a bit easier to take. Except, of course, when we need her to do something.
15) She alternates between Barney and Elmo DVDs. Right now, it's an Elmo phase.
16) She loves to "call" people on her fake cell phone. Most of the time she "calls" Grammie and Andrea. When we actually get them on the phone, she gets shy.
17) She gets frustrated with us and responds like a teenager sometimes. It's hysterical.
18) Bailey's best friend is Maleah. Her favorite book is any one of the $1 Seseme Street books from Target. Her favorite food is mac and cheese.
19) She likes to pick out her own clothes and will study her closet for a long time to get just the right shirt.
20) She is our first born, and our experiment in parenting. She gets the challenge of blazing the parenting trail with us, and we get the joy of doing it for her. Honestly, she is of my soul. So deeply a part of every fiber of my world that I cannot put it to words. She is our Bailey...and she is perfect.
1) Bailey is one month away from being 2 1/2 years old. She is every bit a two year old, down to the classic meltdowns and the moments where we look at her and wonder where she came from.
2) She knows what she wants, what she doesn't want, how she wants things to happen and how to complain (loudly) if things don't happen the way she is anticipating.
3) Her language skills are off the charts. Of all the things Bailey is good at, it is her language that blows people out of the water. She talks like she is 4, with correct grammer. She pronounces everything correctly and she speaks in full, complete thoughts. She has mastered tenses. Honestly, there is nothing that she needs that she cannot articulate.
4) She is smart. I don't mean this in a bragging parent way. My assessment is based on true, constructive feedback from her care providers and those who interact with her. She "gets" things that a two year old should not get. Like, she gets the concept of time, for example. She knows all of the categories of things that you teach kids her age. Wierd things too, like knowing the difference between a square, a rectangle and a diamond. She's smart.
5) She has stopped potty training. She knows how to do it. She knows when she needs to go. But she doesn't want to do it right now. She still uses the potty at school, in the group setting. But not at home. We're sticking with our relaxed policy. We're letting her lead us on this one.
6) She's a good eater. She still loves fruit. She eats most veggies, although not in the same quantity. She isn't picky and she eats a lot at a time.
7) She is starting to get emotions. For instance, when I am upset with her, she gets worried. She asks me if I am happy. I am having to be very, very careful with my reactions and keep them focused. No more blowing off steam in front of her. Because while she gets the emotion, she does NOT get the nuance. She takes it on and worries that she is to blame. That is NOT something that is okay.
8) She says "fuck". My fault. Completly. I've told her that is an adult word and she cannot use it until she is a grown up. I knew it would happen sooner or later. And, yes, it still makes me laugh.
9) She is a good sleeper. She is comfy in her room, goes to bed easily and sleeps through the night fully. Phew!
10) She is in 4T clothes, size 9 shoes and is big for her age. She's just as beautiful as ever.
11) She has cut her top two year old molers, but the bottom two are not in yet.
12) She is a great dancer and singer and does both frequently.
13) Is an AWESOME big sister. Seriously awesome. She adores her "Connor Buddy" and he adores her.
14) She is as intense as ever, but the increased independance makes that a bit easier to take. Except, of course, when we need her to do something.
15) She alternates between Barney and Elmo DVDs. Right now, it's an Elmo phase.
16) She loves to "call" people on her fake cell phone. Most of the time she "calls" Grammie and Andrea. When we actually get them on the phone, she gets shy.
17) She gets frustrated with us and responds like a teenager sometimes. It's hysterical.
18) Bailey's best friend is Maleah. Her favorite book is any one of the $1 Seseme Street books from Target. Her favorite food is mac and cheese.
19) She likes to pick out her own clothes and will study her closet for a long time to get just the right shirt.
20) She is our first born, and our experiment in parenting. She gets the challenge of blazing the parenting trail with us, and we get the joy of doing it for her. Honestly, she is of my soul. So deeply a part of every fiber of my world that I cannot put it to words. She is our Bailey...and she is perfect.
You Know It's Bad When...
...You start blogging from your blackberry on the bus. There is just no time to blog at work. But things are happening that are worthy of writing down!!!
Connor is the most amazing little boy. He's really developing his personality right now - his preferences are shining through, and while he is laid back most of the time, he is able to be heard when he doesn't like what is happening. Here are some of the Connor highlights:
1) He can sit up, roll over and over and over and get where he wants to go by rolling.
2) He is not yet crawling, although he is really working at it. He gets his arms up and one knee, but hasn't yet put it all together. We are not far from having two mobile children.
3) He still has not shown any teeth, but we are still in teething hell. It seems that, like Bailey, his teeth will come in slowly. This is good - it means they will be very strong - and bad - it will be a slow, painful process. Poor guy has been miserable.
4) He is sitting up in his bath and we have abandoned the baby bath. He loves, loves, loves the water.
5) He has outgrown the swing. Which sucks. The swing rocks.
6) He is still mostly breastfed, drinking about 20 ounces of milk while at school and nursing three or four times while at home. He prefers the breast, still, and Kelly has no intentions of stopping anytime soon.
7) He eats two stage one foods a day (generally a fruit and a veggie). He's a huge fan of bananas, carrots, squash, and sweet potatoes. He has tried many other foods, but prefers the basics.
8) Food is still very much a supplement to breast milk and Connor gets offended if Kelly tries to feed him anything other than breast milk.
9) He goes to bed around 6:30 PM, sleeps until the wee hours (usually 3-4:30 AM), is up to feed, goes back for a few hours and then gets up around 5:30 or 6 AM. He is taking about 2 hours of naps while at school.
10). He clearly recognizes people and has a decided preference for Bailey if she is anywhere around.
11) Connor is a belly sleeper - arms tucked under him, butt in the air. So freakin' cute!!!
12) He is wearing size 4 diapers, 9-12 month clothes and is a long, long baby. He's chunky - with super juicy thighs and arms.
13) He loves his exersaucer and bouncer. Enjoys anything he can put on his mouth and bright colors.
14) He seems to be right on track with his development, which seems slow to us since Bailey was always running so far ahead of her peers.
15) He is making one-sylable sounds (Da, ma, ba) but hasn't yet put them together. Three times, he has clearly said "mommy" while he was whining...but we don't know if it was intentional or an accident.
16) He loves his childcare providers as much as any child can. He gets excited to see them and we love them for it. They seem to love him.
17) He is working on his 4th ear infection and has an appointment with an Ear, Nose, Throat specialist on Friday. Tubes may be in his future!
18) The appointment with the pediatric cardiologist regarding the random blue incidents was good. He has nothing that they can find - not even a tiny heart murmer. Phew!
19) Connor has discovered his penis. When he is not clothed, he tugs and pulls at it constantly, all the while having a big grin plasteres on his face. It makes us laugh.
20) He is all sweetness and light, this boy of ours. He is easy to love, smiling and charming his way into your heart. Bailey is as in love with his as we are.
This has gotten long...stay tuned for the Bailey, and Mommy & Momma top 20 lists soon!
Connor is the most amazing little boy. He's really developing his personality right now - his preferences are shining through, and while he is laid back most of the time, he is able to be heard when he doesn't like what is happening. Here are some of the Connor highlights:
1) He can sit up, roll over and over and over and get where he wants to go by rolling.
2) He is not yet crawling, although he is really working at it. He gets his arms up and one knee, but hasn't yet put it all together. We are not far from having two mobile children.
3) He still has not shown any teeth, but we are still in teething hell. It seems that, like Bailey, his teeth will come in slowly. This is good - it means they will be very strong - and bad - it will be a slow, painful process. Poor guy has been miserable.
4) He is sitting up in his bath and we have abandoned the baby bath. He loves, loves, loves the water.
5) He has outgrown the swing. Which sucks. The swing rocks.
6) He is still mostly breastfed, drinking about 20 ounces of milk while at school and nursing three or four times while at home. He prefers the breast, still, and Kelly has no intentions of stopping anytime soon.
7) He eats two stage one foods a day (generally a fruit and a veggie). He's a huge fan of bananas, carrots, squash, and sweet potatoes. He has tried many other foods, but prefers the basics.
8) Food is still very much a supplement to breast milk and Connor gets offended if Kelly tries to feed him anything other than breast milk.
9) He goes to bed around 6:30 PM, sleeps until the wee hours (usually 3-4:30 AM), is up to feed, goes back for a few hours and then gets up around 5:30 or 6 AM. He is taking about 2 hours of naps while at school.
10). He clearly recognizes people and has a decided preference for Bailey if she is anywhere around.
11) Connor is a belly sleeper - arms tucked under him, butt in the air. So freakin' cute!!!
12) He is wearing size 4 diapers, 9-12 month clothes and is a long, long baby. He's chunky - with super juicy thighs and arms.
13) He loves his exersaucer and bouncer. Enjoys anything he can put on his mouth and bright colors.
14) He seems to be right on track with his development, which seems slow to us since Bailey was always running so far ahead of her peers.
15) He is making one-sylable sounds (Da, ma, ba) but hasn't yet put them together. Three times, he has clearly said "mommy" while he was whining...but we don't know if it was intentional or an accident.
16) He loves his childcare providers as much as any child can. He gets excited to see them and we love them for it. They seem to love him.
17) He is working on his 4th ear infection and has an appointment with an Ear, Nose, Throat specialist on Friday. Tubes may be in his future!
18) The appointment with the pediatric cardiologist regarding the random blue incidents was good. He has nothing that they can find - not even a tiny heart murmer. Phew!
19) Connor has discovered his penis. When he is not clothed, he tugs and pulls at it constantly, all the while having a big grin plasteres on his face. It makes us laugh.
20) He is all sweetness and light, this boy of ours. He is easy to love, smiling and charming his way into your heart. Bailey is as in love with his as we are.
This has gotten long...stay tuned for the Bailey, and Mommy & Momma top 20 lists soon!
10/02/2009
Travel Work Kids Life
Per my usual opening, things have been crazy. Our week away was wonderful. It's never very relaxing traveling with kids, but it was a week at the beach.
Then, we get home and all hell breaks loose. I worked 65 hours the week after we got home. I was preparing a program for work for about 30 young girls from the DC public High Schools. They came to our firm and had a career day of sorts - with individualized counseling and all that. It was a great program, but the logistics of it all were hell. And because I had been out the week before on vacation, it was double-hell. I worked so much and didn't see the kids.
That backed up to working the even on the Saturday. Then, on Monday morning, I boarded a train to New York City, where I stayed until Wednesday night. I got home Wednesday night before Bailey went to bed (Kelly kept her up). Then last night, I had to work a bit late. Tonight, I will leave early...provided that no work comes in late.
All of this is part of the transition away from my old job (MCLE Coordinator in the Attorney Development Department) to my new job (Business Development Coordinator in the BD Department). This is a completely new area of work for me and the time in NY was spent training. I have more information than I could ever actually process and I am learning as I go. Meanwhile, I am trying to train my replacement.
Oh, and raise my kids and be a wife.
I am really looking forward to this weekend. No work. Just my family. I need the time.
Everyone is doing well. Bailey seems to have migrated away from the terrible two phase for right now. She's being sweet. She's listening. She's just been a perfect angel. Connor is growing in leaps and bounds. He was sick again this week, with another double ear infection. This is prompting a visit to the Ear, Nose & Throat specialists. We're hoping to avoid tubes, but at this point, his ear infections are too frequent. And, because he's such a laid back kid, he doesn't start complaining about them until they are raging ear infections. And that is dangerous. THAT is what causes ear damage.
Kelly and I are hanging in there. Occasionally we yell across the chasm that separates us and we're both clinging to the knowledge that we'll find each other when this part of our lives is finished. Craziness is not great for relationships. But, we are in it together.
That's it for now. Work calls.
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