Thoughtful

Peace is not a word that I would have used to describe myself in the past 17 months. The process of becoming a mother, figure it out and then adjusting accordingly has not been easy for me.

When I was carrying Bailey, I was so excited and happy. I had no idea what was coming, or that I would feel like a freight train had hit my life and taken away everything I held dear when she arrived. Part of that was the severe round of post partum deppression I dealt with, but the majority of it was simply that I had no idea what it meant to be a mother. I was incapable of imagining the incredible need of a child and what that means for the people who meet those needs. I just didn't know.

When she arrived - all 10.9 pounds of her - with her very loud cry and her terrible sleep schedule, I completely lost my mind. It wasn't just the tasks, it was everything. It was the percieved loss of my life, in all aspects. I felt like there was absolutely nothing left once we were done being parents and all we had in the end was a crying, colicky baby who didn't sleep well and who just kep taking, taking, taking. I hated being a mother. I craved the life that I had before I was a mother and when I hit my lowest point, I wanted what I had before I ever met Kelly. I dreamed of moving backward in time, back to college and partying and the release of drinking, dancing, smoking and being young.

I was anything but peaceful. I wasn't even happy.

Of course, none of this had anything to do with Bailey. She was doing exactly what an infant is supposed to do. I never blamed her, but I did want to escape from her. I imagined her the end of my life.

It's hard to say those things, but there you have it. It's my truth and I will never hide from it.

But things have changed. A lot.

Maybe it's just that I am older. Maybe it's because I know that I can be a good mother and that together, Kelly and I have raised a child who is thriving. She's is happy, loved, comfortable and has a life that many would envy. We give her what she needs and she is a wonderful child because of it.

Kelly and I have found each other again. Through it all, we never really lost each other, but we came damn close. We never checked out, but we could have. It got that bad. And we've come through that. We've emerged out the other side stronger, happier and better partners, people and parents because of it.

And now, we have a son on the way. Every dream we've ever had, is coming true.

I feel excited about the arrival of Connor in a way that I didn't feel (and didn't know to feel) with Bailey. I know what is coming. I understand that Kelly and I will be exhausted and that for the first year or so, there will be nothing left over. I also know that as this child grows into a toddler, we will come back to center. Maybe a different center than the one we had before Bailey, or the one we've just recently found again...but we will find center again. I know how hard it is.

But I also know how wonderful it is. Every moment that I spend with Bailey reminds me that no matter who difficult the moment may be, there is such a rich and wonderful reward at the end of it. Seeing her grow, and knowing that Kelly and I are the reason she is thriving, is such an amazing feeling.

Maybe it's just trust. I can't imagine that the process of having an infant could be any more difficult than it was with Bailey. But I trust that if it is, Kelly and I will stay strong through it. And even if we are not strong, we are both there 100%.

I feel peace. I do not want what I used to have. I want what we've created. I see my life and I can't imagine it without Kelly, without Bailey and without Connor. My definition of myself is as a mother and a wife. I am not, and don't want to be, anyone other than who I am.

I am peaceful. And I can't wait for our son to be born. I cannot wait to fold him into our life.