Things I Think About While Driving Home

This post should probably be name 'Why Mikki Rides the Bus"...but whatever. I've been driving a lot recently (more than I should, given gas prices and a $14 a day price tag to park downtown) and I find myself having very involved, very deep thoughts while I drive. Not always nice. In fact, most of the time, not nice. Here are a couple

A few weeks back, I was thinking about guns and gun ownership. Some people know that Kelly owns a 38 that her grandfather and she bought together when Kelly was 18 (I think that was the age). It's a big, loud, scary gun and with the kick ass bullets her grandfather gave her, it would stop an elephant. Now, I've always came from a home were guns were an evil thought. Okay, maybe not evil, but definately not present or accepted. We had a "no war toys" policy - Mom just didn't like us playing with weapons or toys that faked like weapons. So, when I moved in with Kelly, I had this love/hate facination with the gun. After a while, Kelly took me to her dad's house where I shot a 22 rifle for the first time ever. I was unable to shoot the 38...I was still too scared of the loud bang. In any event, the gun is put away in a hard-to-reach location, there is a locked trigger lock and the bullets are in a completely different location. When the kids are older, they will be educated about weapons and the gun itself will be locked in a safe, away from them.

But we are still gun owners. Which sometimes takes me by surprise.

So as I was driving home the other day, I was thinking about all of this. And I tried to imagine a situation where I would find that gun in my hand and if I would have the balls to shoot someone. I mean, honestly, what a thought. But anyway. I realized, in a split second of seeing red that if someone ever tried to hurt my wife or my children, I would shoot them without a second thought. I see the world in black and white most of the time, and while I pride myself on being a relative liberal with strong belief in the justice system and the ability of people to reform or change, I would still kill a person who tried to hurt them. Without regret.

That's a strange thing to realize about yourself and I hope I never have to test my willingness to kill for my family.

An equally horrifying thought that I had yesterday while driving home was the image of me getting into a high-speed car crash and not surviving.

See, I am an aggressive driver. Not when Bailey is in the car (see above, about protecting my family), but when I am alone and driving home from work, I'm aggressive. I think it comes from two places.

First, I like high intensity, rhythmic motion. It's why I loved clubbin'. It's what I love about groups of people in protest. And if you have ever driven in DC rush hour traffic, you know that it is high intensity emotion, and I am one of them. Kelly hates driving in the shit. She gets angry at the assholes (like me) and equally frustrated with the people who drive to slow and create road blocks. But not me. I feed off the energy (and anger) of the people driving around me. I roll down the windows, crank up the most thuggish music I can find, and drive like a bat out of hell. I do it safely (or at least, in my mind) and I am not stupid. AKA - I don't drive on medians, I don't whip into a stopped lane at 40 mph. But I am aggressive. If you give me an inch, I'm going to take it. If you cut me off, I'm going to respond. If you give me a chance to cut you off, I probably will.

Not pretty, but there you go. There is something about living on the razor-edge of danger that I enjoy. I admit it.

The other reason, I think, is that I see every car, every lane of gridlock, every slow moving vehicle as the obsticle between me and my family. I get out of work around 5 three days a week, and by the time I get the car and get home, it's 6:30 PM. Bailey goes to bed around 7 PM. So if I get caught in traffic, I miss seeing her for an entire day. By my way of thinking, that means that all the fuckers out there on the road, are in my way. They are the people that stand between seeing my child and not seeing her. And, if you remember from above, nothing makes me more angry than that which stands between me and Bailey.

So, the thought that I had while I was driving home last night was that someday, I'm going to make a mistake. And the speed, the aggressivness will not be worth it when the worst occurrs. The thought was enough to slow me down. A lot.

It's also the primary reason that I take the bus whenever possible. On the bus, I sleep or read. I don't do stupid shit like drive aggressively. I may hate the slow ass bus driver. I may get off the bus sick of my commute and miserable. But I get off the bus safely.

Pleasant thoughts, huh?

Tomorrow's the big day. If Littler Honey is willing to share his or her private parts with us, we will announce our chosen name...for those of you who don't already know! After the ultrasound appointment, we are spending the day together - shopping and being together. I CAN'T WAIT!