100% Momma

LBB stands for Life Before Bailey. I realized this morning that I can hardly remember it. I do remember it some days (particularly when I'm sick of wearing "Momma" hat and I dream of what things used to be like). But I also know, quite clearly, that I remember things with a VERY rosy tint.

In reality, LBB was all about preparing for Life After Bailey. She was our first dream.

And lord, did she ever come through.

We're going through an interesting time with Bailey and with each other in general. Bailey is ALL about me right now. She has been for a while, but as she is able to vocalize her needs and wants more and more, it becomes more pronounced. At the same time this is happening, Kelly is getting more and more pregnant and subsequently, more and more in need of gentleness and tenderness. Kelly is certainly not exempt from the hormone overload that comes with pregnancy, and she is feeling the effects.

It's an interesting place for me to be. If I could isolate my relationship with Bailey, I would say that I love what is happening. It is truly remarkable to be her hero. There is nothing more special to me than having my daughter light up when I see her, rush into my arms and smother me with hugs and kisses. When she looks at me adoringly and says I love you, my heart is as full as it has ever been. When she needs me close when she's tired and when she responds so absolutely to my bad moods, I feel so central and validated and needed. These are good, good feelings.

But then, I glance over at Kelly and I feel bad. It hurts me that Bailey is so heavily into me, on behalf of Kelly. I look at my wife, who loves Bailey more than she's ever loved another person (me included) and I feel like she is being cheated. I wonder if she is feeling hurt, left out or lonely and I want to fix it. So I urge Bailey to hug Mommy, to kiss Mommy, to take her book and read with Mommy and when Bailey refuses, I feel even worse. If it were me on the other end of Bailey's indifference, I would feel terrible.

(Sometimes, I wish it WERE me on the other end of Bailey's indifference. The break, occasionally, would be nice.)

I haven't talked to Kelly about this. I am almost afraid of opening Pandora's box. It's almost as if acknowledging our differences would make it worse. I don't know.

I know that children love unconditionally and that right now, Bailey needs me for whatever reason. Bailey and I have bonded the way that two Taurus's with incredibly strong needs bond. She and I mirror each other, and we love in the same ways. Intensely, large and with the strength of steel.

I tell myself that right now, Bailey needs the kind of love that I give. I am demonstrative, loud, exciting. I play with her hard - throwing her around, doing somersaults, chasing, squealing and laughing. We crawl on the floor, we make messes and we clean up. I hold her for hours at a time, cooking and talking about the things in the kitchen. I let her take risks and I'm there when those risks fail.

Later, Kelly will need the kind of love that Kelly gives. The same way that I do. Later, when Bailey is going nuts with trying to live in this world and figure out how to tame all those hormones and restlessness (and she will. She is like me, and I know how hard it is), she will need Kelly's calm. In the same way that Kelly brings peace to my crazy head, she will be a steady guide for Bailey. Kelly is, literally, the calm in the storm of our life. The storm that I often am the creator of. Bailey is so much like me, she really is. Her response to life is so similar to mine. I get her, because I AM her. And at some point, that is going to ROUGH for us. We will butt heads as strongly as we snuggle now. When push comes to shove, in later years it will be me she is fighting with, and Kelly who is keeping us both from flying off into outerspace.

It's possible that this is only a concern of mine and is not echoed by Kelly. She is far more philisophical and much less emotional than I am.

More Voting Thoughts

Thanks for your feedback on my voting crisis. I really do appreciate other people's thoughts when it comes to stuff like this.

I guess, perhaps, I'm just another disenfranchised voter. I truly believed in the system for the vast majority of my life. I realized that it only worked because we bought into it and that in order for a democracy to represent its people, we all actually had to participate.

But then, I started looking around. And honestly, I just don't see where I'm represented. I can't marry the woman that I love and have it be recognized by the government. I can't elect to not pay my taxes when I completely disagree with what the money is being spent on. I'm smack in the middle of the middle-class squeeze and nobody seems to care of that. I'm not too poor and I don't make enough money to enjoy the money I do make.

Honestly, folks, I'm just tired. Maybe it's a blanket statement, but I'm sick of lying politicians. Monica - you made a great comments (which I wholeheartedly agree with) that perhaps the politicians voted for the bailout to secure their own relection. But that's the problem. My litmus test used to be whether someone was a democrat or not. Now, it's the bailout.

Here's the thing, though. I get home so late. In order to vote, I have to either miss my Bailey's bath and bedtime or I have to bring her with me and make her stay up late in a line. Or, I have to leave work early and use my PTO time. All, to do something I don't believe in.

I'd rather just go to bed. It's all exhausting.

In the end, I'll probably end up voting. Maybe in the morning. I'll go and mark my ballot and vote for Nader and that will be that. But I gotta tell you - I think it's a waste of time.

Please, Please, Please!!!

Please, let it snow tomorrow. I want to see some of the white stuff drifting down from a slate gray sky. Even if it is only a couple of flakes. Even though none of it will stick.

Please, please, please. Let it snow tomorrow.

To Vote Or Not

I'm torn. I've never been torn before about voting. Never. I have always known that I would go, that I would vote and that I would vote a straight democratic ticket. I'm a party loyalist.

But this time around, I'm torn.

Not about who I would vote for. I've jumped that hurdle already.

The question is IF I will vote at all.

I completely, 100%, totally, wholeheartedly disagree with the government bailout. I sided fully with the Republicans who initially stood in the way of passage (of course, they rolled over like fucking little pigs when a bunch of pork was added). I think it is irresponsible and won't work as planned in any event. In fact, have you seen the latest. The banks that were supposed to use the money to give out loans, thus putting more money into circulation, boosting the economy and all that...you know, the "plan". Well, that's not happening. Instead, those same banks are using our dollars to aquire smaller banks, strengthening their own bottom line. And the credit markets are still not loosening up the way that they could.

It makes my blood absolutely boil.

What makes my blood boil over is that REALITY that we will pay for this for a long, long, long, long time. Bailey's children will still be paying for it. They talk about it like it is an investment. And maybe in a couple of years, I'll be proved wrong. LOL. Maybe.

But I'm not buying it. Not one bit.

I'm absolutely livid with my government.

I made a promise on the day that the bailout was pushed through that I would never vote for another member of government who voted for the bailout.

That includes both of the presidential candidates.

So, if I go to the polls, I will be writing in Nader as my candidate. I will not vote for Obama, even though he is who I would have supported. I cannot vote for McCain, even if he had not voted for the bailout. There are two ballot initiatives - one dealing with voting early and the other dealing with slots - but I'm not sure that I care about those issues enough to get myself to the polls.

Perhaps, if I lived in a state that was swinging (Virginia for example), I would feel more inclined to change my position. But my state isn't swinging. We're a solid blue state and my vote is going to be "pointless" anyway.

I'm interested in other people's thoughts. I really am. Just know that nothing will convince me to vote for Obama. It's not that I don't want him to be president. I do, actually. But I won't cast my ballot, ever again, for someone who voted for the bailout. But what about Nader? Since it won't matter, does anyone have any opinions? Can anyone come up with one good reason why I should spend my precious time with Bailey standing in a voting line?

Going Home

Day's over. I had a wonderful lunch with my wife and she gave me a small bag of swedish fish. And her presence. I have two whole days to spend with my wife and our daughter. Two days to feel our baby boy wiggle and kick. Brunch on Sunday with the best group of women in DC and a bottle of wine with one glass left in it for tonight.

Bring on the hot bath, the soothing wine, the lull of my wife and the joy of my daughter.

I'm done being bitchy today.

(but...I will still laugh the first time Bailey drops the F-bomb. I wasn't joking about that...LOL!)

Grumpy

I woke up this morning grumpy. Bitchy is probably a more accurate description, but I'm trying to curb my nasty swearing habit.

Actually, I'm not. I'll be honest because today there is no other option. I don't give a shit about swearing. I really don't. Some people think it makes you sound uneducated. Some people think kids should not swear. Some people just think it's bad form.

Whatever.

I don't give a shit about swearing either way.

If you don't swear, good for you. I do. I like to swear. I think a well-placed "fuck" can really punch up a person's sentence. Hell, I think a poorly placed "fuck" is still a good exclamation point.

And I don't care if kids swear. The only reason I care is because other people look at you like you're a bad parent if you kid drops the "shit" or "fuck" bomb in public. Don't kids get frustrated too? And I am of the mind that shouting "shit" or "fuck" when something is shitty or fucked up is appropriate. I don't see why our kids shouldn't be able to express themselves in the same way.

Same thing with the word "cunt". I'll not get into this one. But needless to say, it's one of my favorite words and I don't understand why people think it's such a bad word. I really don't.

The point - I'll probably laugh the first time Bailey drops the f-bomb. Honestly. And I'll probably tell her that using those words around other people is not appropriate until she is old enough to tell them to fuck off when they correct her. And inside, I'll still be laughing. Because I think it's funny. I really do.

Anyway. I've probably offended some people with this post. And I don't care today. Cause I'm grumpy. Bitchy, really.

Mirrors

Mom used to say that having children was like having a mirror held up in front of you at all times. You see the best and worst and everything in between...but you sure don't miss any of it.

As I was riding the bus to work this morning, I found myself contemplating Bailey and the human being that she is. She lives so fully in every moment. She doesn't just see something, she examines it. She touches, smells, tastes and absorbs it. Whatever "it" may be at the moment. When she is excited, she points and exclaims loudly. She talks a mile a minute and immerses herself in the exciting moment.

Nothing is halfway with Bailey. She is all or nothing. If she doesn't want something, she says "no" very simply and moves on. Nothing will distract her or convince her that she actually wants whatever she said she didn't want. But when she does want something, watch out. If you are not prepared to provide it, she will make it clear via all available methods that she NEEDS it. NOW. RIGHT NOW, DAMN IT.

But see, if you are stronger than she is, she will back down. When I say no to Bailey, she fights vocally and physically. But most of the time, when I respond strongly, she backs down. It's almost as if she is say, "Okay, Momma, you win." But if she senses weakness in you, she will push and push until you give in.

The child has humor. She doesn't even mean to have humor most of the time, but her approach to life is often comical. Because her actions and responses to the world around her are so big and exaggerated, it's often just funny. I find myself laughing at her all the time and truly enjoying her experience.

She's also brave. She can go into just about any situation and handle it. The other day, at the doctor's office, she didn't flinch when the doctor came in. She let him look in her ears, examine her hands and feet and even opened up and said "ahhhh" when he asked her too. Yes, she needed to be close to me, but she wasn't afraid of him. When he was finished she said "Thank you, Doc" and told him "bye bye".

And she's loving. She's so loving. She loves to be loved and she loves to see love. We have always had a "kissing circle" in our house. One of us starts and then everyone has to kiss everyone. Recently, though, she has been pushing my head to Kelly's during our kissing circles and saying "Momma kiss Mommy" or the other way around. She is learning about love, seeing our closeness and responding to it. She gives love too and finally says "I love you" back to us. She has learned to kiss with her mouth closed...and I must admit that I miss the big, open-mouthed, sloppy kisses of the past.

So back to this morning. As I was riding on the bus, I realized that these qualities of Bailey's that I so love and cherish in her are very similar to the qualities that my Momma always says she loves and cherishes so much in me.

It's the mirror thing. Bailey, by just existing in her own world as her own human being, reflects back the very best of us.

Connor Update

Kelly gave a really good time line last night, and it's worth posting...

0-7 Weeks Pregnant: massive boob growth, exhaustion.

7-17 Weeks Pregnant: everything under the sun and horrible, horrible sickness.

17-21 Weeks Pregnant: not so sick, but tremendous hunger.

That is the latest development. Kelly is so hungry. She rarely feels full, but she eats and then feels too full. It's the classic pregnancy conundrum.

Connor is growing very fast right now. It seems like every time we look at Kelly's belly, it is bigger. There is no hiding her pregnancy and she is wearing the full on maternity clothes. He belly button, while not popping yet, is pretty close.

Kelly's tummy has begun to itch. I catch her scratching it daily, and I can tell that she doesn't really know she is doing it.

Connor moves with a patterned regularity. Or rather, Kelly feels the patterns now. About 20 minutes after eating, Connor gets excited and starts moving. I finally felt him kick over the weekend. We've been trying for a while, and it has been obvious that I would have felt him long before now...but timing never works out. It finally worked this weekend and I felt our son moving. It was super exciting...

Kelly is now sleeping with two pillows - one in front and one in back - to relieve some of the pressure. Getting up off the floor is getting more difficult, but that is mostly because she has a pinched nerve in her back. The pregnancy is making that much more painful than it usually is. Chiropractic visits are in the future...

We have our 22 week appointment next Monday. More stats then!

Some days...

Some days I hate that our child is a daycare kid.

What we thought was teething turned out to be a "pretty bad" case of hand/food/mouth. There is a more official name (I even know what it is) but I can't spell it. So, even though it makes her sound like a sick cow or sheep, I say hand/foot/mouth.

She turned a corner overnight, and while she is home with me today (daycare policy), she is feeling much better. The worst of it was this weekend, when we thought she was teething.

We should have known. Teething has never hurt Bailey before.

I'm feeling much better, much less grumpy. I hate missing work - am I the only one who feels like a lazy slacker when I have to call in?

Our 11 year anniversary was this weekend. 11 years. 11 years since my entire life stopped and reformed itself around the most amazing woman I have ever met. 11 years since who I was and who I always wanted to be merged into who I am. 11 years since I found the meaning of happiness and 11 years since I discovered the honesty of loving another human being without pretense or question.

11 years. It feels like such a long time, and yet, I can remember every (nearly) moment.

I gave Kelly my heart again (symbolized with a hand-blown glass heart) and she gave me triple chocolate M&M's. LOL - sounds funny and yet, it was perfect. I've wanted those M&M's ever since I first saw them at Target. And they DID NOT disappoint.

Bailey got us a Wii to celebrate. We spent the rest of the weekend bowling, golfing, playing baseball and I spent quite a bit of time boxing. Good exercize. Super, super fun. We are getting Wii Fit (which is actually the reason that Bailey bought the Wii in the first place). I'm looking forward to it. It really is as fun as they say it is...

Kelly commented last night that Bailey got us the gift of time together. The last few nights, instead of sitting in our respective places and zoning out to TV, we've been on our feet, laughing, talking and playing games together.

I could be a Wii commercial.

It was a fantastic 11 year anniversary...with the promise of many more to come! I love you, honey.

Miserable Weekend

What a miserable weekend.

Bailey is currently teething 4 molars. Her gums are horribly swollen and even an every three hour regimen of Tylenol, Motrin, Tylenol cannot keep the pain away. Last night she was up every 2 hours, sobbing and begging me to help her and clutching her jaw. The days have been miserable with a clingy, miserable child.

It's been a long weekend.

And wouldn't you know...it happened on the weekend of our anniversary. Of course.

More later. It wasn't all bad this weekend. But I'm exhausted, moody and even though we just put Bailey down, she is in her bed screaming for me. I'm miserable too.

Welcome Fall!

She's Brilliant

I think our child is brilliant. I say this knowing that I'm completely biased and that Bailey is probably just a normal kid. But still. I think she's a genius.

Especially because she cares about the same things I do.

For instance - she likes things clean. After eating she holds out her hands and asks for them to be cleaned.

Another example - last night, she proved that she knows how to close the dishwasher, lock it and then turn it on (to the right cycle, I might add). She proved it because she did it.

And she talks. She talks like I have never heard another child her age talk. There is nothing she can't say and she repeats everything. Last night on the way home, she recited all the colors in the rainbow to me (including black, brown and white). She said all her numbers, 1-10. She is beginning to string words together in ways that make sense. For instance, if I say "your dinner" she repeats "my dinner". She knows when things are hers and when they aren't. She talks about her "brother Connor". She asks to color, knows where they are kept and asks appropriately. The other day, she stood in the family room and pointed to the kitchen saying "paint". We didn't understand her (we had never heard her use the word before). After about 5 times, of us looking and point to various other objects, she went to the fridge (her art supplies are on top of the fridge) and said "color".

God, I love her. She makes me laugh, she makes me stare at her and wonder where this incredible creature came from. How could I have grown her? She seems to be the very best of both of us, wrapped up into this walking, talking little girl. She's got attitude that I adore, even when it pisses me off. She's smart, she's funny, she's charming and god, she is so beautiful to me.

On the way out of daycare this morning, she asked for a final kiss goodbye and when I gave it to her, she wiped the tears out of her eyes, smiled at me and said "goodbye Momma". So simple, and yet it's the reason my day will be spectacular.

I'm not sure who to thank. I'm not a God person, but if I were, I'd think him/her. I'm not very spiritual, and yet I know that she is not just a product of our love. She is a creature unto herself, and a gift from this life. She is the best thing that has ever happened to Kelly and I, and there are no words...none...that could ever express the joy she has brought to our lives.

What a love child she is. And god, what love we feel.

The Inbox

Why is it that my inbox never seems to decrease in size? I come in every single day with the intention of getting to that last email and having very little left. It never happens.

I counted today, and I recieved 124 emails from 7 AM to now (it's about 2:45). I leave in about 5 minutes, which means tomorrow morning I'll have another 40 or 50 unread messages. How can that possibly be??

Anyway. Off to get my beautiful, non-technologically savvy baby girl who makes this all worthwhile.

Thoughtful

Peace is not a word that I would have used to describe myself in the past 17 months. The process of becoming a mother, figure it out and then adjusting accordingly has not been easy for me.

When I was carrying Bailey, I was so excited and happy. I had no idea what was coming, or that I would feel like a freight train had hit my life and taken away everything I held dear when she arrived. Part of that was the severe round of post partum deppression I dealt with, but the majority of it was simply that I had no idea what it meant to be a mother. I was incapable of imagining the incredible need of a child and what that means for the people who meet those needs. I just didn't know.

When she arrived - all 10.9 pounds of her - with her very loud cry and her terrible sleep schedule, I completely lost my mind. It wasn't just the tasks, it was everything. It was the percieved loss of my life, in all aspects. I felt like there was absolutely nothing left once we were done being parents and all we had in the end was a crying, colicky baby who didn't sleep well and who just kep taking, taking, taking. I hated being a mother. I craved the life that I had before I was a mother and when I hit my lowest point, I wanted what I had before I ever met Kelly. I dreamed of moving backward in time, back to college and partying and the release of drinking, dancing, smoking and being young.

I was anything but peaceful. I wasn't even happy.

Of course, none of this had anything to do with Bailey. She was doing exactly what an infant is supposed to do. I never blamed her, but I did want to escape from her. I imagined her the end of my life.

It's hard to say those things, but there you have it. It's my truth and I will never hide from it.

But things have changed. A lot.

Maybe it's just that I am older. Maybe it's because I know that I can be a good mother and that together, Kelly and I have raised a child who is thriving. She's is happy, loved, comfortable and has a life that many would envy. We give her what she needs and she is a wonderful child because of it.

Kelly and I have found each other again. Through it all, we never really lost each other, but we came damn close. We never checked out, but we could have. It got that bad. And we've come through that. We've emerged out the other side stronger, happier and better partners, people and parents because of it.

And now, we have a son on the way. Every dream we've ever had, is coming true.

I feel excited about the arrival of Connor in a way that I didn't feel (and didn't know to feel) with Bailey. I know what is coming. I understand that Kelly and I will be exhausted and that for the first year or so, there will be nothing left over. I also know that as this child grows into a toddler, we will come back to center. Maybe a different center than the one we had before Bailey, or the one we've just recently found again...but we will find center again. I know how hard it is.

But I also know how wonderful it is. Every moment that I spend with Bailey reminds me that no matter who difficult the moment may be, there is such a rich and wonderful reward at the end of it. Seeing her grow, and knowing that Kelly and I are the reason she is thriving, is such an amazing feeling.

Maybe it's just trust. I can't imagine that the process of having an infant could be any more difficult than it was with Bailey. But I trust that if it is, Kelly and I will stay strong through it. And even if we are not strong, we are both there 100%.

I feel peace. I do not want what I used to have. I want what we've created. I see my life and I can't imagine it without Kelly, without Bailey and without Connor. My definition of myself is as a mother and a wife. I am not, and don't want to be, anyone other than who I am.

I am peaceful. And I can't wait for our son to be born. I cannot wait to fold him into our life.

Connor Patrick McFadden

It's a boy! Our ultrasound was perfect - we saw a healthy baby boy, with all the right parts in all the right places. He had a heartbeat of 141. They are estimating his size right now at 13 ounces, and he measured 20 weeks, 6 days. Just a few days over what his actual "age" is. So far, he's looking to be right on track.

All of us are super-happy and could not be more excited for February!!!

Can you see his face??


That is the placenta right above him.


Kissing the placenta...or so it seems!


A beautiful face shot!


The most telling shot of all...there is no mistaking his gender!


Kelly at 20 weeks...Connor is a growing boy!

Things I Think About While Driving Home

This post should probably be name 'Why Mikki Rides the Bus"...but whatever. I've been driving a lot recently (more than I should, given gas prices and a $14 a day price tag to park downtown) and I find myself having very involved, very deep thoughts while I drive. Not always nice. In fact, most of the time, not nice. Here are a couple

A few weeks back, I was thinking about guns and gun ownership. Some people know that Kelly owns a 38 that her grandfather and she bought together when Kelly was 18 (I think that was the age). It's a big, loud, scary gun and with the kick ass bullets her grandfather gave her, it would stop an elephant. Now, I've always came from a home were guns were an evil thought. Okay, maybe not evil, but definately not present or accepted. We had a "no war toys" policy - Mom just didn't like us playing with weapons or toys that faked like weapons. So, when I moved in with Kelly, I had this love/hate facination with the gun. After a while, Kelly took me to her dad's house where I shot a 22 rifle for the first time ever. I was unable to shoot the 38...I was still too scared of the loud bang. In any event, the gun is put away in a hard-to-reach location, there is a locked trigger lock and the bullets are in a completely different location. When the kids are older, they will be educated about weapons and the gun itself will be locked in a safe, away from them.

But we are still gun owners. Which sometimes takes me by surprise.

So as I was driving home the other day, I was thinking about all of this. And I tried to imagine a situation where I would find that gun in my hand and if I would have the balls to shoot someone. I mean, honestly, what a thought. But anyway. I realized, in a split second of seeing red that if someone ever tried to hurt my wife or my children, I would shoot them without a second thought. I see the world in black and white most of the time, and while I pride myself on being a relative liberal with strong belief in the justice system and the ability of people to reform or change, I would still kill a person who tried to hurt them. Without regret.

That's a strange thing to realize about yourself and I hope I never have to test my willingness to kill for my family.

An equally horrifying thought that I had yesterday while driving home was the image of me getting into a high-speed car crash and not surviving.

See, I am an aggressive driver. Not when Bailey is in the car (see above, about protecting my family), but when I am alone and driving home from work, I'm aggressive. I think it comes from two places.

First, I like high intensity, rhythmic motion. It's why I loved clubbin'. It's what I love about groups of people in protest. And if you have ever driven in DC rush hour traffic, you know that it is high intensity emotion, and I am one of them. Kelly hates driving in the shit. She gets angry at the assholes (like me) and equally frustrated with the people who drive to slow and create road blocks. But not me. I feed off the energy (and anger) of the people driving around me. I roll down the windows, crank up the most thuggish music I can find, and drive like a bat out of hell. I do it safely (or at least, in my mind) and I am not stupid. AKA - I don't drive on medians, I don't whip into a stopped lane at 40 mph. But I am aggressive. If you give me an inch, I'm going to take it. If you cut me off, I'm going to respond. If you give me a chance to cut you off, I probably will.

Not pretty, but there you go. There is something about living on the razor-edge of danger that I enjoy. I admit it.

The other reason, I think, is that I see every car, every lane of gridlock, every slow moving vehicle as the obsticle between me and my family. I get out of work around 5 three days a week, and by the time I get the car and get home, it's 6:30 PM. Bailey goes to bed around 7 PM. So if I get caught in traffic, I miss seeing her for an entire day. By my way of thinking, that means that all the fuckers out there on the road, are in my way. They are the people that stand between seeing my child and not seeing her. And, if you remember from above, nothing makes me more angry than that which stands between me and Bailey.

So, the thought that I had while I was driving home last night was that someday, I'm going to make a mistake. And the speed, the aggressivness will not be worth it when the worst occurrs. The thought was enough to slow me down. A lot.

It's also the primary reason that I take the bus whenever possible. On the bus, I sleep or read. I don't do stupid shit like drive aggressively. I may hate the slow ass bus driver. I may get off the bus sick of my commute and miserable. But I get off the bus safely.

Pleasant thoughts, huh?

Tomorrow's the big day. If Littler Honey is willing to share his or her private parts with us, we will announce our chosen name...for those of you who don't already know! After the ultrasound appointment, we are spending the day together - shopping and being together. I CAN'T WAIT!

143

143 is our number. Simple and stupid, I know, but it is ours. For those of you who don't know, it stands for I love you. It is the number of letters in each word of the phrase.

We have been using it since the moment we met. Okay, well maybe not the moment, but since we said I love you to each other 10 days after we met, I think that counts as the "moment". Now, it's used in many ways - scribbled on notes in the morning, held up to the review mirror when one is driving behind the other, texted to each other at random points in our lives, written on cards.

And today marks 143 days left of this pregnancy.

So, my love, 143. In every possible way.

Momma's Little Shadow

We had another fantastic weekend. Is it the weather?? Maybe...a lovely 70 degrees and bright sunshine both days. I adore weather like this...

So, Sunday we took Bailey to the Zoo. She's been a number of times, but of course, remembers none of them. She's been super interested in animals recently, so we thought we would see what she did with real animals.

We had a fabulous time! Bailey loved it all, and spent most of the time walking (running) from exhibit to exhibit. She was cute as we walked by the pandas - every time she would get to a new opening in the fence, she would crouch down low and "look" for the animals. She spotted many of them and seemed entirely confused about it all. She enjoyed the small mammal house most of all - she loved the little monkeys that darted all over the place and the small, rodent-like animals best of all.

Kelly and I were pretty sad though it...it's hard for both of us to see animals trapped in cages. I hate it. But, there you go. After an incredibly over-priced lunch that Bailey wouldn't touch, we brought her home where she took a 4 hour nap!

So...she shadow part? Well, as I was attempting to herd Bailey, I kept getting ahead of her. I would turn around and walking backwards, looking at Kelly. Every single time that I turned around, Bailey did too and walked backwards! The first time, I thought she was about to make a break in the opposite direction. But she didn't. She started walking backwards. Just like me. Then, when I would turn around and face front, she would too. SERIOUSLY cute.

Another of Bailey's traits is that she loves to clean with us. Any time of cleaning or yard work will do. She had the time of her life last night - Kelly was cutting down the dead flowers and Bailey was picking them up and putting them in the garbage. A minor incident with a HUGE spider put the damper on yard work for me, but Bailey loved it. And isn't afraid of spiders at all. But, speaking of the mimicking...Kelly killed the huge spider. It jumped out of the garbage bag and when it hit the sidewalk, Kelly stamped on it. I know, I know...but that spider was huge. Second later, along comes Bailey, stamping madly in the same spot as Kelly.

She's so freakin' awesome. God, we love being her Moms.

About Littler Honey - Kelly is feeling him or her every day, about four times a day she reports. He or she is very active after Kelly eats or when she squishes her belly. She is looking very pregnant now - there is no hiding it. Her belly is completely transformed from the flat tummy she's lived with her entire life into a smooth, round, baby ball. She's absolutely beautiful.

We are waiting with anticipation for Friday's ultrasound. I've said it before, but I can't wait until we know if we are having a little boy or a little girl. Bailey thinks it is going to be a "sister". We taught her "brother" and "sister". Every time we ask her now if she wants a brother or a sister, she answers sister.

I'm sick today, so headed home soon. I'm wanting to curl up on the couch and bury my head. Nothing major...just a cold. But yucky!

An Unlikely Place

Kelly and I find ourselves in the completely unfamiliar territory of agreeing 100% with the conservative republicans that are voting down the bailout. Strange. Really, really strange.

I may get a bunch of hate mail for this, but here's the thing. If you made SMART decisions, decisions not driven by the mortgage lender, by your own desire to own the biggest home on the block and your need to define your place in society by what you own, you wouldn't be in the position of losing your home. Period. Everyone has a choice in this. Everyone. I am so tired of the talk of bailing out the people and companies that were not honest with themselves and their finances back when they had that chance.

Now, this bailout certainly isn't bailing out any of the little people, so I'll get off that topic. But the financial systems are in the same position. Because of over-valued property (in a completely ridiculous way, I might add) and corporate greed, we find ourselves in the position of having to face the music.

Perhaps I'm being shortsighted, but I'm not so sure that long-term recession would be so bad for this country. A little poverty, failed businesses all over the place and one BIG FUCKING REMINDER to live within your means.

As for those companies that everyone seems to find so crucial that our children will be paying for this pork-filled bill, well they can fuck off. Let 'em die. That's what I say. They deserve it.

I have enough trust in the capitalist system (which I hate, by the way) to know that it will bounce back. If we all lose a tanker load of value in our stocks, they will eventually come back. Our market will self-correct. No amount of government-injected, tax-payer funded dollars will prevent the system from doing what it will.

So, rock on conservative republicans. This may be the only time I ever agree with you...but I'm sure backing you now.