Random Thoughts

I had a lot of expecations when I was on my way to becoming a Momma. I had all kinds of standards and all kinds of "rules" that would be followed. Oh yes, I was a judgemental bitch when people did things that I thought were not good for their kids.

So, first, let me just apologize to anyone who may have been subjected to one of my rants about "how it is" and "how it's going to be." All I can say is that I had no clue then. And I have a big fucking clue now.

See, what happened is that nothing happened the way I anticipated. Nothing. From the second that I got pregnant, Bailey began to dismantle my expectations and replace them with my reality. First being sick, then being sicker, than being miserable, then...on and on and on. Nothing - not one thing - has been as I expected it to be.

And I was THAT girl. You know. The one who demanded that things were going to be just as I wanted them and that I would make it fit. And further more, if you did something different or insisted that it wasn't always so easy, I was certain you were a shitty parent and that I could do it better. I admit it. I sucked.

Well...okay, maybe not. But I was mis-informed.

Now, I look at the love of our lives and I realize that, while I still may be judgemental, I've come a long, long way. I don't think feeding your kids Pop Tarts is the right thing to do. And I'm willing to say that I won't let Bailey have them. But, I can at least recognize that some parents have different battles to fight. Some parents don't care about the issue of food. Food happens to be something that I care deeply about. One lesson I've learned is that what is important to me as a parent isn't always important to the people around me. Nor should it be.

Another lesson I've learned - I'm not always right. That was a hard one for me to learn. Really hard. Still is hard to admit. But I do accept that my method of parenting isn't the best. I would argue that it is the best method for Bailey - because it has been tested, adapted, tested and readapted to fit her personality...but it's not the method of parenting that everyone should use. A coworker recently told me that I should write a book about parenting and I laughed. I realized in that moment that he couldn't tell the difference between honest knowledge and just someone willing to talk about what I know. I reminded him that I have no "insider" knowledge. That I'm just some girl with lots of opinions trying to raise our daughter. That's it. Nothing really to write about there. That I'm willing to talk about my opinions may set me out from the rest, but it doesn't validate everything that comes out of my mouth.

I've definately been wrong. I've made all kinds of mistakes in this. Kelly and I have had to have some very frank conversations when one of us acts in a way that the other isn't comfortable with. We've adjusted. We've worked together. We've fought and we've figured out what works for Bailey.

We still do. Every day we change our methods. Every day we take it one step at a time.

The biggest lesson I've learned in all of this is that nothing is ever going to be the way that I expect it to be. Most of the time, our life is going to twist and turn in the breezes of the choices that we make, the people that we are and the child that Bailey is becoming.

My goal now is simply to be flexible. To go with it. To try to understand when people make choices that I disagree with and to spend a few minutes actually thinking about their choice in their life, rather than try to rationalize their choice through my own.

Funny how parenting has changed me in some very important ways. In ways that I never expected but am truly thankful for. I think I'm a better person now...and only getting better!