The First 11 Months

This email is personal. Very, very personal.

I spent about an hour on the bus this morning reflecting on the first 11 months of Bailey's life and our new life as parents. It started out with thinking about getting Bailey dressed this morning and how easy it is for me now. I know just how to make her giggle, how to turn putting socks on into a "get your tootsies" game, how she likes to play peek-a-boo with the neck of her shirt and that by the time it get to her pants, we better hurry up because she's all done with getting ready. That led to thinking about holding her in my arms while she is having her first bottle and the amazing way her warm, soft body feels snuggled into the crook of my arms, her head on my shoulder.

And thinking about that reminded me of the hours of regret and fear that I felt when she was first born.

It's amazing how much has changed.

When she was first born, I would have said that all the changes we were going through SUCKED. I would have said that the differences in our relationship, the changes in me as woman and the changes demanded by an infant all sucked. And when I held that up against how much work it felt like at the time, I would have told you that I wasn't sure if it was worth it.

I'm not sure when that changed. I'm not sure when her cries stopped grating on my nerves and just become her voice. I'm not sure at what point I looked at Kelly and saw her as my wife AND Bailey's mother and didn't feel jealousy. I'm not sure when I first held her hand in bed at night, when we were both too exhausted to have sex (even though we wanted to) and didn't feel some level of anger at the way our life has changed. I can't pinpoint the moment that what used to be stopped being something that I actively missed.

But it happened.

I think that when I gave birth to Bailey, I gave birth to myself as well. I gave birth to me as a mother. And I don't go gently into anything. I'm not sure why I held the unrealistic expecation that would go gently into motherhood.

What I do know is that I can't imagine a world without my little ray of sunshine in it. I remember what our life was like before, and there are passing moments when that life seems a lot easier. But it never feels better than the life I'm living now. Not anymore. I watch Bailey go through her world, leaning on us and learning from us, and I feel like I have found my purpose. At least, my purpose for right now.

It's taken me almost a year. But finally, finally I feel normal again. I have good days, great days, bad days, okay days...but never days when I wish I could undo what I've done. Never days when I wonder what it would be like if I had made a different decision.

I wish mothering and being a wife were simple. I wish that it was predictable and that love didn't change, go through troubled times or require committement and then recommitment. I wish that I wasn't so fucking complicated all the time.

One thing is for sure, though. My girls are my world. They define the very best of who I am and what my love is capable of creating. I'm proud of myself for coming through this, even if nobody else can understand what I mean when I say "coming through it".

I love you, Kelly. And Bailey, someday when you read this, know that I love you too. With all of my heart and more.