Clothes and Mommy's Birthday

Once again, I'm having a clothes crisis. Not because I've grown out of or into a bunch of clothes, but just because I absolutely hate everything I own.

Anyone who knows me know that I hate shopping and I think spending money on clothes is stupid. I don't hold anything against anyone who feels different (in fact, I'm married to a woman who values nice clothes ALOT). I just don't want to put the time or the energy into finding nice clothes. And I don't want to pay for them. I'm a klutz and a mess and I'll just ruin them with stains or something.

This probably all goes back to having been a fat kid when there were very few fat-kid clothing options. And I'm not exactly stylish. Never have been. I can't match clothes at all - so I rely on all of my shirts matching all of my pants so that no matter what I select, it works. Perhaps not perfect, but passably. I own two pairs of work shoes - one brown and one black. On the weekend, I wear the one pair of jeans I own over and over again and then wash them through the week for the next weekend. During my pregnancy, I owned three pairs of maternity pants - one black and one tan for work and one pair of jeans for the weekend.

I buy Walmart/Target or clearance rack shirts. Why spend money on something that I'll stain anyway? Honestly? Also, I hate shopping. I hate it that fat-girl clothes are always stretchy (because that is what fat girls want...something that clings to their fat). I hate it that fat girl shirts are always too long - I'm not ashamed of my ass...If I wanted to cover it, I would.

Occasionally, however, I have a fit like I did this morning. I pulled all the clothes out of my closet that I don't wear (most of them) and that don't fit (some of them) or that are older than three years (quite a few of them) and threw them all on the bed. What I can donate, I will. Everything else (most of my clothes have rips or stains or something that will make them undesirable) will get thrown away. Hanging in my closet right now are 5 work shirts, 3 pairs of work pants, 5-6 beater tee shirts that I'll wear on the weekend, and one shirt that I bought for Valentine's day a couple of years ago. That's it.

Kelly and I have a date to (soon, I hope) take the day off work, bring Bailey to daycare and go outlet shopping.

Here's the best part of my wife - she can shop like a demon. She is a CRAZY shopper. She will pour through racks and racks of clothing and pull out the three things that I might actually wear. I will also pick clothes that are too big or too small (thus becoming extremely discouraged, extremely quickly)...but not Kelly. She can pick out a shirt that will fit me, that will look good and that is cheap every single time. The woman has talent.

I abhor shopping. I hate it. But Kelly makes it tolerable and the outlet malls make me feel less guilty about spending a couple hundred dollars on clothes. Because, after all, I do have a professional job and I do actually have to wear clothes that are somewhat nice to work.

Enough of that.

Kelly's birthday is just around the corner. My baby is going to be 33. Once again, I'm confronted with the maddening dilemma of what to get her. I always pick out shitty gifts for her. She's the shopper (as I've already established). To make it worse, I also have to take Bailey shopping for Kelly. Uggg. Any suggestions for gifts for the woman who needs nothing, wants very few things that are within my price range and what she does want, she wants to pick out herself? Something other than a gift card and a smack on the ass?

Lordy. I hate shopping.