Daily Joy

Life is so simple right now, in all of its complexity. I was thinking on the bus this morning that my life is very predictable. And full of all kinds of joy.

It's not very often that I recognize joy. I spent a lot of time agonizing over how things could be different (and by different, I always mean better). I find the one spot or couple of spots in my life that could be erased or changed and believe that if only those things were different, I would be a happier. It's not always the easiest way to live (for me or Kelly), but it's who I am and we work with it.

But on the bus this morning, I had an epiphany of sorts. I wasn't going to share it with anyone (including Kelly) but then I realized that this is the kind of stuff I need to write down. On those days when "everything sucks" I can look back and read this and remember...

I realize that spending time agonizing about my life is a luxury. It's reserved for those of us who get to make choices on a daily basis and who have the financial and emotional freedom to want for more. So many people just live the lives that they have to live in order to make ends meet or get through. I did that for a lot of years - I had to push myself through college on sheer will. But now, I have my degree, a good job, a stable relationship and a very healthy daughter. That alone would be enough, but I also have a beautiful home, great neighbors, two vehicles that run without problems, and the ability to give our daughter nice "things" that enhance her life and her development.

All of that would be perfect for many.

But I also have a relationship that has survived the test of time and so many things that could have torn us apart. I have the ability to be as healthy as I chose to be. I have a daughter who is as wonderfully smart and funny and beautiful as she is healthy. I have friends that would do anything for me. I have the freedom at work to develop and grow and push my professional development wherever I want to take it. I have a boss who is supportive of my life outside of work and a company that provides benefits that makes it easy to enjoy that life. I have a family who loves me unconditionally and beautiful places that we can take our daughter.

Most importantly, and truly at the core of all of this, I have myself and my ability to be me in this world. I am not inhibited by anything. I have a life partner, who is not just my wife in name, but in all aspects.

I am a lucky woman. I need to remember this. I don't know why I spend so much energy being a drama queen. I guess that is part of me and I will accept it. But I will also force myself to look away from my internal drama sometimes and just appreciate all that I have and all that I am grateful for.