My Message to Kelly

I know that in the last year or so, things have been more difficult than they have been at other times in our relationship. I know that I've been really antsy lately and that you take the brunt of my frustration. I know that I've been short and snippy and bitchy and sometimes just rude. I know that there are some things I wish I could take back, some words I wish I could unsay and some nights I wish I could just shut myself up.

What I want you to know is that my antsiness, my need to shake the cage of my life is not about you. You are not the problem. You are my love, my heart and my soul. I couldn't be Mikki without you and I wouldn't even want to try.

I'm just finding myself again. I thought that being a mother was going to seal the deal for me. That I would find the truth that I had been seeking for so long and that I would never want for anything again. As with everything with this experience of parenting, I was wrong. I am still seeking. What you never, ever have to worry about is that I'm seeking something other than you. I'm not. I love you. It is as simple and as complex as that.

I will find my connection again. I will keep looking until I've found that loud crazy outlet that allows my voice to be heard again. Perhaps it's that becoming a mother has brought me back to understanding my feminist roots. Maybe it's that I'm finally feeling a passion again that I haven't felt since my early college years when I shaved my head and tried to change the world. The world has changed around me. The dynamic has changed and my options are all different.

Be patient with me. I know that a lot of this is unfair to you. I know that you wish I were a little more calm, a little more settled. Someday, maybe I will be. For now, I'm doing the only thing I know to do. I'm stumbling along this path of our life, loving you and our child and creating myself.