Christmas Eve Playing

Cute Videos

Playing Piano With Danny



High Chair Talking

Just Some Random Cuteness

Couple of very cute things that I wanted to point out -

1) Bailey mastered crawling this weekend!!!! She has it figured out finally and is not afraid to use her tricks to get where she wants to go and get what she wants. Currently, she's obsessed with the cat food. We're going to try to keep it out and just watch her and keep her from it. After all, the kitties need to eat too! Besides, it won't take too many bites of cat food for her to decide that it's not all that interesting anyway...

2) M&S got us a small tapestry with four kitties on it when they were in Peru. We hung it in our hallway upstairs. Every night, as we are leaving the bathroom with Bailey all swadled up from her bath, we stop and count the kitties and talk about the different colors of the kitties. Immediately after that, we count the three sheep that hang on her bedroom door (compliments of Grammie and Andrea!). Bailey loves this routine so much!!!

3) Finally - Bailey is really becoming extremely vocal these days. She just gabs on and on. She looks right at us sometimes and just talks and talks. She knows exactly what she is saying...we just don't understand it yet! It's amazing...

Christmas

Okay - well, I've tried to upload a bunch of videos and for whatever reason, I've not been able to make it work. I'll keep trying and eventually, I'll get it!

Christmas was wonderful!!! Our trip to West Virginia was nice - it was wonderful to see family and for Bailey to have some time with her Nana. We ended up making the drive there and back in one day, so we were exhausted by the time we actually got home. Bailey, of course, slept the entire way back home. We just didn't want to repeat the hotel nightmare that we had experienced in Hershey.

After that, it was just relaxing all weekend long. Sunday and Christmas Eve were spent just hanging out. We took Bailey out a couple of times and even braved the mall on Christmas Eve! Poor Bailey...she just gets so bored when she is stuck at home alone with us!

Our first Christmas Eve as parents was wonderful! When Santa came, he introduced himself (not that we needed an introduction) and congratulated us on such a beautiful daughter. He then proceeded to fill us in on the secret parent/santa code and how it all works once you have children. It was quite facinating and incredibly exciting!

After that, Kelly and I headed to bed. I was up super early the next morning but waited to get up until Kelly was ready. Actually - I woke her up before she was ready, but whatever. We had about an hour to do our stockings before Bailey woke up. In future years, we'll all do it together (or Bailey will get up before us and do hers), but this year was special.

Kelly has spent the last month hinting that something wonderful is going to happen for Christmas. She's dropped hints and left little clues. I've gotten more and more excited as Christmas has gotten closer.

In the bottom toe of my stocking, after reading an incredible love note (the details of which, I won't share...LOL), I found a beautiful five-stone diamond anniversary band. It is absolutely stunning and I am so happy!!! Kelly couldn't have picked a more perfect ring for me (it's exactly my style) and she couldn't have presented it in a better way. Thank you, honey...I love you!!!

Once Bailey finally woke up, we did our usual tradition of eating cinnomon rolls and orange juice before opening presents. Karen came over to share in the festivities of Bailey's first Christmas. And Bailey was a champ!!! She tore at the paper and kept at it until all the gifts were opened. There were a few times that she got overwhelmed and needed to be comforted...but over all, she did great!!! There was tons of stuff from us and from Santa, so it was a busy morning for her.

After presents were opened, B went down for a nap. She ended up sleeping for 3 1/2 hours!!!!! Talk about exhuasted! This, from a girl who doesn't nap...

The rest of the day we just relaxed and watched a movie and got ready for the week to begin. It was a lovely holiday!

Tormenting Camryn (isn't Camryn sweet???)

With Aunt TT at Nana's house

Bailey really loves her Nana!

After Santa Visited

What is it???

It's a...It's a...hmmmm...what is it???

Hehehe...I am the Christmas DEVIL!

My Perfect Girls

The Ring

Domestic Bliss

This morning, I was up at 4 AM. I made two pans of brownies (they were the ready-made kind, though), one pan of cookies (again...ready made), two pies (fully from scratch), and two loafs of banana bread (from scratch). After cleaning the kitchen for the last time and getting all the dishes washed, I took a look around.

The family room was sparkling...with Bailey's toy's piled neatly. The mantle was shining with Christmas lights and garland. The cards were hung along the columns. The Christmas tree was lit and looking so festive with all the packages surrounding the bottom. There was a the food that I had created for Kelly's party - all festively packaged and ready to go with green tissue paper and festive wrappings. The house was quiet and peaceful with Bailey still sleeping. It was clean and calm. I took a deep breath and realized that I felt a calm feeling that I hadn't felt in a very long time.

Domestic bliss doesn't happen often with a baby...but when it does, it's a wonderful feeling.

Then, I looked at the clock and realized it was only 7 AM. I made some more coffee. PHEW!!!

Sick...Again

I apologize for the delay in posting...Bailey came down with a bronchial infection that hit on Monday evening and I've been racing with time every since. Unfortunately, this was the worst possible week to need to be out of work...and Kelly couldn't help. She absolutely couldn't miss work. So, Bailey and I spent two very miserable days on Tuesday and Wednesday trying to get her better (there isn't much that could be done). Finally, today, I was back at work...but with three days worth of work to do.

I am scheduled off tomorrow...and while I probably shouldn't take the day, I'm going to! I need a day just to enjoy the holiday bustle.

Kelly's office Christmas party is tomorrow. They have a very fun event where everyone brings their children. It's potluck style. There will be almost 30 adults and close to 10 children present this year. We all sit around and eat and hang out and then play games. Of course, a Chinese gift exchange is done. We are giving chocolate covered pretzels. LOL - what else could we do with a $10 limit???

This is the first year that I will be at the party for the entire event. I usually go for lunch and then have to get back to work. Given that I took the day off to bring Bailey in, I'll be there for the entire event! I'm very much looking forward to it!

Tomorrow morning, I'm making a pecan and a pumpkin pie for our family gathering in West Virginia on Saturday. We have gifts for all the kids from Bailey and are very, very much looking forward to seeing little Camryn (Bailey's cousin that was born 3 weeks before her). Of course, we can't wait to see everyone else too...but especially Camryn!

We'll spend Saturday night in Morgantown (keep your fingers crossed that we don't have another hotel nightmare!!!) and then we're back home for a quiet and peaceful Christmas eve and Christmas day. Kelly has been especially mysterious about what Santa is bringing me this year, so I can't wait for Christmas morning!!! I think that it's gonna be good...

She always gives great surprises. I'm not so good at that part...but I try to be festive, so maybe that is my gift.

I promise lots of pictures of our holiday adventures and stories when we return! I expect that tomorrow will be crazy busy, and then we're off! Have a wonderful final weekend before Santa arrives!!!

She Crawls

Yesterday is the official first day of Bailey's crawling career. She's been working so hard to get it figured out and we've been trying to give her lots of floor time (both with and without us). Last night, as I was folding clothes and Kelly was sifting through some work stuff, Bailey was playing on the floor. She really wanted to check out the heater vent (in our home, these don't get hot!). I was sort of watching her, but not really paying attention when I realized that she had actually crawled forward 4-5 paces! She was at the heater vent and quite proud of herself!!!

We've got all the thing we need to baby-proof. We've been working on it slowly, but steadily. Now it's time to finish it up.

B is also teething again. And she has a cold. We think the two go hand in hand. She's been sleeping alright, but it takes her a while to fall asleep. Every time she starts to drift off, she coughs and wakes herself up. Then she whines because she woke herself up. Then she drifts off. It's a wretched cycle.

Of course, because she's more tired and doesn't feel great, she wants me to hold her all night. She'll fall into her near-sleep state and I'll put her in her crib (we try not to hold her until she falls asleep). As soon as her head hits the crib, she's awake and pissed off that I would even think about leaving her. She has to cry herself to sleep.

Man, it sucks walking away from her. I know that it's for the best. She needs to learn to sleep on her own, and most importantly, to fall asleep on her own. But damn. It makes me feel horrible!!!!! Especially because she is so warm and snuggly and droopy...LOL!

On a funnier note - I was wrapping a christmas gift yesterday and Bailey was "helping". She was so excited about the wrapping paper as I was pulling it off the roll that she went all rigid and just shook and screamed.

I haven't laughed that hard in a while!

We spent some time this weekend with our dear friends Monica and Susanne and Danny. I just have to say, once again, that Danny is such a sweet little boy!!!! Oh my lord. Bailey is sweet - sweet when she smiles at you, sweet when she giggles. But when Bailey gets excited, she slams her arms around, screams, tries to yank your glasses off, head bangs. LOL - she's anything but gentle, in other words. Danny, on the the other hand, is just as snuggly as teddy bear and so cute it hurts. He's got the sweetest little smile and his eyes are so expressive!

Anyway - I really enjoyed spending some time with them - both to catch up with some adults and to have some time enjoying another infant!!! Thanks, M&S, for hosting!

I think that is it for now. It's going to be a long week. There is lots to do at work, Kelly is absolutely swamped at her job and I'm on Bailey duty for the drop off and pick up all week. But, I am taking Friday off, and we get Monday and Tuesday off...so it'll be a nice long weekend.

I can't wait for Santa!!!

Holiday Happiness

It's been far to long since my last Top 10 List...so here goes:

The Ten Things About Christmas that Make Me the Happiest This Year

10) Watching random people in the city walk by with Santa hats on their heads.

9) Laughing at the people who sing Christmas carols loudly as if nobody can hear them (I'm one of these people).

8) All of the lights, wreaths, strings of garland and holiday music that is just everywhere!

7) Being at the mall to entertain Bailey and laughing at the frantic shopping that is taking place, knowing that I got all of mine done two weeks ago.

6) Finally, finally being done with our Christmas cards and having the satisfaction of knowing that even having a new baby didn't keep us from our annual homemade card tradition.

5) Thinking about Christmas morning with a hot cup of coffee, some fresh baked cinnamon rolls, my stuffed stocking and sitting with Bailey while she plays with the paper and we try to encourage her to play with her gifts.

4) Knowing that I'll be spending at least a few days of this holiday season surrounded by my in-law side of the family and enjoying the craziness that comes with lots of people, a couple of kids and christmas presents.

3) Turning the Christmas tree on at 4:30 every morning and enjoying the way that the lights bounce off our hardwood floors.

2) The super-huge, corporate Christmas bonus that will help drag us out of the debt created by creating Bailey.

And finally...the number one joy for me this Christmas....

1) The traditions that Kelly and I hold so dear that will one day be so important to Bailey one day.

Uncharted Territory

I have never, ever known a love like this. Ever.

I love Kelly from the deepest parts of my heart. I would die for her if that meant that I could save her life. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for her. There is no limit to the love that I have, and it's 10 years strong.

But the love that I feel for Bailey has no equal.

For the the first 6 months of Bailey's life, I didn't feel love like this. I am now educated enough about the effects of post partum to know that my lack of deep connection to Bailey was not my fault. It took me three months to seek help, but when I did, things started to heal. It took three months for the post partum to stop and I have now been without Prozac for 4 weeks.

Clarity has come about quite a bit. The biggest piece of clarity is about my relationship with Kelly. In a word, I was so jealous. Jealous of Bailey and the love that I saw her getting from Kelly.

It sounds horrible, even to me...and I now understand it. It is another part of our story, though, and one that I'm not willing to hide from. I didn't understand what Kelly was feeling when Bailey was born, because I wasn't able to feel much of anything. I was numb. Kelly was feeling what I am now lucky enough to feel.

If you're a parent, you're probably nodding and understanding without my description what I am about to say. I can now understand what people were talking about when they said it was all worth it. I can understand what it feels like to have everything else in my life come after Bailey. I miss her when I'm not with her and the kind of joy that I feel when I am with her is unequaled. Honestly, I've never felt this way. Ever.

Let me paint a picture for you so that maybe you can understand the journey to this point.

When Bailey was born, I was sick. Not just postpartum sick - but actually physically sick. I had lost nearly 2/3 of the blood in my body. My birth experience was NOTHING like I had wanted it to be. I was unable to breast feed. Bailey was huge and holding her for hours hurt so bad. I was weak, I was constantly tired from the lack of blood and the lack of sleep. I was confused because I never felt that rush of love that every mother talks about. I honestly believed that I was a failure - because I couldn't have a vaginal birth, because I couldn't breast feed, because I couldn't stop Bailey from crying...but mostly because I couldn't shake the thought that I had made the worst mistake of my life. We were alone. We had no family around to help us. Kelly was trying to care of me, care of a newborn and prepare herself to go back to work after three weeks. We didn't eat properly, we didn't sleep properly and just when things started to even out a little, Bailey developed colic. When Kelly went back to work, I was alone with Bailey. All day long. I was still weak from my surgery and loss of blood. I was loopy from the pain killers that I was still on. I was constipated from the massive doses of iron that they kept me on to help replenish my blood loss. Bailey was miserable and in pain and nothing that I did could help. When Kelly got home, she was immediately thrown into dealing with me and caring for Bailey. We had no time to just be in peace. We had nobody to come over and take Bailey for a few hours to let us reconnect. We were getting very little feedback from anyone about how we were doing, because we didn't have anyone around. Our relationship suffered from lack of care, from the frustration we were both feeling with our inability to cope and from my inability to adjust to our new world. I constantly felt trapped, scared, alone and more often than not, I hated that I had become a parent.

And this went on for three months without reprieve. Without a break. Without stopping. Without even the slightest indication from internal or external sources that it would somehow, some day, feel different.

Worse yet, we were one of a set of three in our area that had children within the same time period. Our friend, Olivia, had given birth 10 weeks prior. And her birth experience was anything but easy. And yet, she seemed to love her child, love parenting and be acclimating like a champion. 6 weeks afer Bailey was born, our dear friends Monica and Susanne welcomed their child into the world. And again, we watched as they breastfed without problem and turned their lives into a wonderful place for their son.

Even worse still, my brother and his wife had a child. My sister-in-law and her husband welcomed their daughter. Both families seemed relatively unscathed by the adjustments, even when it was difficult.

Now, I am not stupid enough to believe that it was easy for anyone. It is always a huge transition to bring a child into a family. But none of them seemed to hate their child. They would all talk about how it was tough...but worth it. I saw the couples pulling together to make it work, rather than pulling away from each other. I listened as each told me about the family they had coming over or flying in to help out.

And I compared myself and just sunk deeper. Daily, I had to watch my wife fall in love with our child and I had to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. Why did I want to cry with relief when she was taken from my arms? Why did I sob at night while I was holding her and trying to sing her to sleep? Why did the touch of her hands or the sound of her cries make me cringe? Why did every dream I had of my birth experience and her infancy prove to be false? Why did my wife never look at me? Why was I all alone?

And the biggest question of all...the unanswerable question that left me contemplating suicide one morning...how could I make this stop?

Turns out human beings can only take so much before they crack under it all, and I cracked. I broke apart into tiny shards of the person that I was and lost my fucking mind for a while.

Meanwhile, it still never stopped. I have never felt so hopeless in my entire life.

I can understand a lot now. Kelly never stopped seeing me...but she could only carry so much. She was working full time, learning how to be a mother for the first time, carrying the entire load of my emotional baggage. She was tired. Like I just said, one person can only carry so much. She rightly chose to carry Bailey. And all that failure I was feeling was a chemical imbalance created by pregnancy hormones. I can see that now. I can understand now. But, boy, I didn't understand then.

It's taken about 4 months - but I am well on my way to healed. Kelly and I are doing okay. We've survived a lot in our love and we survived this too. And as for Bailey, well...it seems that while I might have thought I was fucking her up...I was wrong. She's a wonderful, smart, affectionate child. I wish that everyone could know her as we do. And as for me...well, things are better. Not perfect...but then, they never were. I can thrive with a little too much stress and a bit to little sleep.

I can finally say that as difficult as some days are, I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I can finally say that with my heart...not just my mouth.

Food Vidoes

Moments Like This

I have these moments when I rush into the childcare center and race down the hall and scramble to put my shoe booties on and dart into Bailey's classroom just so that I scoop her up and smell her. I bury my nose in her neck and smell her sweet baby girl smell and everything is perfect.

This afternoon when I got her she smiled the sweetest, most gentle smile and put her hands on each of my cheeks and pulled my face to hers. She put her lips on mine and then pulled back and smiled. She did that four times. On the fourth baby kiss, I couldn't help the tears that welled up in my eyes.

I am so blessed.

Miss. Babbling Independence

It's official. Bailey is going through her first "independence" stage. She pushes you away when you hold her too close for too long. She wants to be carried face out so that she can see her world. She hates it when things are done for her. She doesn't want to be fed, she want to pick up her food on her own and eat it. She's not mastered the forward crawl yet, but she can get anywhere she wants to go using other methods. She can take herself from a laying position to a sitting position to on her hands and knees and then back again all by herself.

She is Miss. Independence. She's got this covered, thank you very much.

The funniest thing is that she asserts her rights to be her own person in the funniest ways. If she doesn't like something that is happening to her, she doesn't outright try to stop you. She is subversive. For instance - she hates it when I put lotion on her face after her bath. Well, rather than just try to bat my hands away (which would be the obvious thing to do), she pulls her feet to her mouth and chews on her toes, creating a nearly impossible obstacle to get around. And amazingly, as soon as I'm done trying to lotion her face, her feet hold no more interest for her. Subversive. And smart. She's definitely smart.

She's also become an excessive babbler. She makes all kinds of sounds and they are flowing out of her mouth in a near constant stream. She makes sounds that sound sound like "okay", "mama", "no", and "all done". And of course, there are lots of sounds that just sound like sounds. It's funny because she's learning about how to use tone and emphasis in her use of language. When she's looking at something new, the sounds that come out of her mouth sound questioning and full of confusion. When she doesn't want something anymore, she sounds determined (or frustrated...LOL). When she's happy, she blends her sounds with squeals and hand clapping. A couple of times now, Kelly and I have just stared in wonder as she has an entire conversation with herself or her toys. We don't understand her, but it's clear that she is "talking" rather than just making noise.

It's incredible to watch her grow like this. Absolutely incredible.

My Message to Kelly

I know that in the last year or so, things have been more difficult than they have been at other times in our relationship. I know that I've been really antsy lately and that you take the brunt of my frustration. I know that I've been short and snippy and bitchy and sometimes just rude. I know that there are some things I wish I could take back, some words I wish I could unsay and some nights I wish I could just shut myself up.

What I want you to know is that my antsiness, my need to shake the cage of my life is not about you. You are not the problem. You are my love, my heart and my soul. I couldn't be Mikki without you and I wouldn't even want to try.

I'm just finding myself again. I thought that being a mother was going to seal the deal for me. That I would find the truth that I had been seeking for so long and that I would never want for anything again. As with everything with this experience of parenting, I was wrong. I am still seeking. What you never, ever have to worry about is that I'm seeking something other than you. I'm not. I love you. It is as simple and as complex as that.

I will find my connection again. I will keep looking until I've found that loud crazy outlet that allows my voice to be heard again. Perhaps it's that becoming a mother has brought me back to understanding my feminist roots. Maybe it's that I'm finally feeling a passion again that I haven't felt since my early college years when I shaved my head and tried to change the world. The world has changed around me. The dynamic has changed and my options are all different.

Be patient with me. I know that a lot of this is unfair to you. I know that you wish I were a little more calm, a little more settled. Someday, maybe I will be. For now, I'm doing the only thing I know to do. I'm stumbling along this path of our life, loving you and our child and creating myself.

Snowin' in Maine

My mom tells me that it is snowing in Maine right now. I purposely have kept the news off, not wanting to hear about the winter weather that is sweeping across the nation, but just missing DC. We are getting rain. Cold December rain.

If you've never lived in a place where it snows regularly, you have no idea what I'm missing. I miss the silence of newly fallen snow. I miss the crisp whiteness that makes your eyes water. I miss the smell. The smell of the air before it snows and the smell of the snow on the ground. I miss the way that a vast expanse of unbroken snow looks. I miss driving down the road after a fresh snow and seeing snow mobile tracks in the fields beside the road. I miss the way that the birds fling the snow around, and their little tracks that they make on the railings.

I miss bundling up too much and then unwinding my scarf and feeling the cold on my cheeks. I miss the way that hot chocolate or hot coffee tastes when it is being sipped in truly cold air. I miss the silly snowmen that little kids build. I miss trying to make snowballs when the snow is really just powder. I miss shoveling the snow and how it never fails to amaze me just how much work shoveling really is. I miss driving in the snowstorms with Andrea. That wonderful sense of danger (are we going to slide off the road???) blended perfectly with the comfort that if anyone can drive well in snow, it's Andrea.

I miss how perfectly cozy snow days feel. I miss the little gift that mother nature gives you when a foot and a half of snow falls on a Sunday night through mid-day on Monday. I miss the way that cars start to venture out in the afternoon and the water browness of the roads. I miss navigating the sidewalks before everyone has gotten out to shovel and the icy little trails that are made in the snow by many feet traversing the same place.

I miss red cardinals and the incredibly festive feeling of looking at Christmas lights through fresh snow. I miss my mom and my brothers and the way that we used to play in the snow when we were kids. I miss making snow angels and I so sad that Bailey will have such a different perspective of snow.

It is not often that I miss my birth home. Not often that I wish I were still in Maine. But today, I do. Today, it is snowing there and raining here...and I'd rather be there.